Source: RollingOut.com

I’ve been sitting back looking at this whole Chriannarueche love triangle come together and fall apart, and what I see are a bunch of immature adults playing kid games. They follow and unfollow each other on Twitter, Matt Kemp and Drake get pulled into the mix via Instagram likes whenever it seems Rihanna has something to prove to the torn Brown, and in the process reputations are built and hearts (and egos) get broken.  The problem with playing head games is that they can escalate into situations that can do a lot of damage over what is usually in the end something very trivial. For example, I’m sure during that whole bar brawl that involved Chris Brown and Drake that Riri’s name was thrown around as ammo to hit some nerves.  It happens everyday; if this were an episode of “The First 48,” Matt Kemp could easily be a gunshot victim, Chris Brown would be in a jail cell with nothing but his defeated ego to keep him company and Rihanna would be crying in an interrogation room with in front of some overweight detective about how “it wasn’t supposed to go this far.”

Maybe I’m being extreme, but women don’t realize how these shallow moments of insecurity and need for validation quickly grow into intense altercations. Although all the parties involved are technically adults, I’m reminded of my late teens when I’d call up my ex every time my boyfriend and I argued, knowing damn well I wasn’t interested, but just wanted to feel well…wanted.  I get it.  It’s harder to be the bigger person when you feel betrayed, belittled and embarrassed.  It’s hard to not let your emotions dictate your actions and think logically when so many of your feelings are invested.

But think about it:  What you are really accomplishing in the long run?  When you make it difficult for the father of his kids to see his children and run back and forth to court knowing damn well he is doing the best he can financially and emotionally, but you feel some of way because he is dating someone new, who are you really hurting?  When you try to make a violently dramatic relationship work and keep the cops on speed dial for “domestic” disputes knowing full well you will drop the charges, how seriously do you expect the law to take women whose lives are really at risk from abusive spouses? When you have no respect for a man’s feelings and simply call him up to keep you company whenever the man you really want leaves you high and dry after he uses you, how can you expect anyone to truly love and respect you?

It’s all about learning to live with and love yourself.  When I see women play games like the ones it seems Rihanna plays with men, all I see is a woman who constantly needs company and validation.  We have to find the courage and the honesty to say, “I’m hurt. I feel like an idiot,”  instead of trying to cover the pain with subliminal Facebook status updates and profound Instagram quotes like, “Examine what you tolerate.”  In the process of loving hard, but putting up a front of keeping your cool when it all falls apart the only one who ends up looking silly is you, because through all of those subliminal tweets and pictures of you partying and supposedly loving your life we all can see someone desperately trying to cover pain and rejection.  There’s a certain class and sophistication that comes with being real or just not responding to drama at all.  When rumors fly about Jay cheating, do you see Beyonce sub-tweeting other women?  No, because she refuses to make her relationship entertainment for the viewing public trying to get through the boring hours of the workday.  In return, hate her and her relationship all you want, but you any rumors about her relationship end up falling apart because she’s not giving you anything to speculate about.   In fact, the times I respect Rihanna the most is when she’s vulnerable and honest, like during her Oprah interview.  Because the truth is love and relationships are all about breaking down your ego, being hurt and played like a fool.  You have to be vulnerable in order to ever feel joy, and that means feeling some pain.  People can relate to that and understand that, but when you’re so busy trying to be the baddest b**ch that can easily move on and save face, you only end up looking like a loser at your own game.

So the next time you feel compelled to start an unnecessary argument with your man just to see how far he’ll go to prove his love, or Facebook beef with the new girlfriend who’s pretty talented and only guilty of loving the same deadbeat who is leading the both of you on, take a minute to think about what you’re really feeling.  Is that anger really jealousy?  Is that confidence as fleeting as the man who gives it you?   Only then, when you’re able to identify and express what you’re truly going through, will you realize that there are no winners when it comes to playing love games.  And that the only way to get what you want is to grow up, be honest and play fair.

Have you ever played “head games” to save face in a relationship?

Toya Sharee is a community health   educator   and   parenting education coordinator whelping  young women build  their self-esteem and make  well-informed choices about their sexual  health.  She also advocates for women’s  reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships.  Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .

Essence

Do you make an effort to make your man feel necessary? Does he feel needed in your relationship?

Some women balk at the idea of “needing” a man to do anything or the idea that they should “help a man feel like a man.” However, there are other women who feel loved and appreciated and want to reciprocate that feeling. These women know a good, spontaneous, well-timed ego stroke goes a long way to mutual happiness in a relationship. Of course, that doesn’t mean a self-sufficient woman should morph into a helpless toddler. That would be disingenuous, but there are times when a woman should consider taking a break from running the relationship and allow her man to handle business.

Ask Men

Let him change your tire/Jump A Dead Battery/Check and refill the oil

When I was 16, my dad taught me how to change a tire. “I will never have to do this,” I told him. “I will always have my phone and therefore, always be able to call someone.” He customarily responded, “You can’t rely on people.” So there, in the middle of a parking lot on a bitterly cold, snowy winter evening, at the direction of my dad, I changed a tire. My dad also taught me how to use jumper cables to jump a dead car battery and how to check/fill my oil if the light came on.

Many women are capable of taking care of their own car troubles, but it doesn’t hurt to let your man feel like the hero while you chill in the car. Especially when it’s cold outside!

VH1 Divas returned to the air on Monday, December 19 at 9 pm/8c. This year’s edition of the franchise payed tribute to the great cities of soul music including Chicago, Detroit, London, Memphis and Philadelphia, and the powerhouse performers inspired by each. The impressive roster of performers included Chaka Khan, Erykah Badu, Mary J. Blige, Jill Scott, Anita Baker, Mavis Staples, Martha Reeves, and Ledisi with accompaniment by The Roots.

The success of the Divas franchise reflects a change in the way we view the moniker. Once considered a negative connotation, it now has an aspirational, even reverential quality to it. Many women have adopted the term as a form of empowerment. But, as Roots drummer Questlove’s hilarious Twitter commentary on the divas’ rehearsal antics shows, there is a downside to the title. When declaring yourself the diva of your industry, don’t forget to keep the moniker’s Achilles’ heel – the ego – in check.

It is important for women to be vocal in business. The opinions of a timid woman can fall on deaf ears in the “boys’ clubs” that still exist at the executive level. But, there is an important distinction to make: a diva is a strong woman but a strong woman is not always diva.

Great leaders are confident but they are also humble. Humility is what keeps you from letting your ego cloud your better judgment. In an article for the Harvard Business Review, leadership development consultant John Baldoni writes, “Keeping your ego in check is an exercise in humility, with the emphasis on the word exercise.” This is something you work at. Baldoni offers a few tips divas may find helpful, paraphrased below:

• Don’t believe the hype – Accept the praise, but don’t let it go to your head. Success isn’t something you have a right to, it requires work.
• Listen to your friends, not followers – Always have someone in your corner who isn’t afraid to be honest with you.
• Reflect on your shortcomings – Be honest with yourself about the mistakes you have made. Too much dwelling on the negative is not good, but honest reflection will keep your head on straight.

There are many diva attributes worthy of being imitated. By all means, take notes when you’re watching the performances. You should expect the best from yourself and others. You should be confident in yourself – if not who will? But a woman truly on the top of her game is secure enough in her own confidence, to put the ego aside and work well with others.

Remember that iconic Oprah episode in 1988 when she had all that meat in a wagon and came out wearing a pair of size 10 jeans? Well in “Lifeclass” Oprah talks about where she was at that time in her life and how she let her ego make that decision for her.

Check out video clips of the episode over at Black Voices.

How do you label someone a confident or cocky person? Common sense should tell you. Other times, situations may reveal the difference between a narcissist and someone who knows who they are.  For instance, your friend may be trying to engage you in conversation and share their opinions; that’s self-assureness, another may go the extra mile to prove that they’re smarter than you! This is a prime example of an arrogant person. Going forward, here are some signals to differentiate between the two:

Take a look:

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