All Articles Tagged "double standards"
If you’ve been on Twitter today, you might have noticed that 20-year-old R&B artist Kehlani has been trending. Now, I know that many of you may not be familiar with Kehlani. And that’s fine. What we’re discussing today is more about relationships, double standard, and how to handle said drama when you’re in the public eye.
So what exactly happened with Kehlani?
Well, if you were at all familiar with her, you might have known that she was in a relatively new relationship with Cleveland Cavaliers player, 24-year-old Kyrie Irving. The two seemed to be going quite strong after celebrating their first Valentine’s Day together.
But things took a left turn when Kehlani’s ex, a producer named PartyNextDoor, posted a very incriminating picture of the two in bed together.
As you can tell, there are no faces, no body parts. But Kehlani has some very distinct tattoos. With that caption, the couple’s history, and the tussled sheets, it wasn’t hard for folks to surmise that they had slept together; which, if true, would mean that she cheated on Kyrie Irving.
In response, likely to the public backlash and her overflowing Instagram notifications, Kehlani, a new artist deleted her entire Instagram page, losing all of those followers. While she never addressed the picture directly, deleting an entire Instagram page, particularly as a new artist, is very close to an admission of guilt.
What happened afterward has been quite annoying. Men from all corners of the earth (read: young, Black men in America) have been blasting Kehlani and the rest of “these hoes” who don’t know how to handle or appreciate “a nice guy.” Not having the full story about the current status of the couple’s relationship, not knowing if Irving is indeed a “nice guy.” And what I find particularly irritating is that when male artists, entertainers and athletes cheat on their wives and girlfriends, there is no trending topic. Men don’t call these other men hoes. They don’t express their allegiance to the “good girl” who was hurt privately and publicly humiliated. Instead, men shrug their shoulders and offer explanations about biology, monogamy and access when you have money like these public figures. Hell, some of them might even celebrate the man for being “out here.”
The discussion about PartyNextDoor and his foul ways have yet to cross my path.
In this whole discussion of Kehlani, Ayesha Curry’s name was also trending. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but ever since homegirl talked about her preference for covering up, men have placed her on a pedestal, pointing to her as a beacon for Black womanhood. I happen to like Ayesha Curry but I really resent the fact that much of the discussion surrounding her in our community is about berating and belittling other women in comparison to her. Men have been tweeting all day that they’re looking for an “Ayesha Curry in a world full of Kehlanis.” As my coworker brought to my attention, someone literally tweeted that Ayesha Curry was the last good, light-skinned girl out here. As if any of these men, spending their waking hours on social media, could be Steph on their best day, or would even know what to do with an Ayesha type.
This is all just a little background.
At the very end of the day, I feel sorry for Kehlani. Not because I’m excusing her infidelity; if that’s really what happened, but more so because I’m thinking about her career and her mental health. Having scads of angry, disconnected people from all over the internet trying to speak on your morals and character is enough to drive any sane person mad. Working on the internet, I know that feeling well. So even if she did make a mistake, I hope she has some positive and uplifting people in her corner who are keeping her off of social media and reminding her of all the good qualities she possesses. And I hope she’s truly internalizing that message.
But then there’s the career piece as well. No one, who is serious about their craft as an artist, wants scandal to be associated with their name before they’ve had a chance to prove themselves and blow up in the industry. But today, sadly, that’s the position in which Kehlani finds herself. Sadly, there will be tons of people who will hear about her for the very first time today, in relation to these allegations of cheating.
In an ideal world, this is what would have happened after PartyNextDoor posted that picture.
1. Kehlani called him and cussed him out for being messy and violating her privacy on the internet.
2. She did NOT, I repeat DID NOT delete her Instagram page.
3. She called Kyrie to explain what happened… if she’s still interesting in saving the relationship.
4. She offered NO explanation to the people of cyberspace. Deleting the page read guilty, while silence leaves room for question, doubt and, most advantageously, intrigue. People would have flocked to her social media channels looking for an explanation. And while there, they might have become more acquainted with her skills.
5. She would have either owned up to the infidelity, preferably with a new song. Or deny, deny, deny. She could have said this was an old picture. Could have said that her ex was messing with a copycat or hell, that they simply fell asleep after working on a song together. At the end of the day, the only person she needed to explain herself to, was Kyrie. Not us.
Hopefully, she can bounce back from all of this. Use this laser focus on her life either to her career advancement or to reconnect with the people who will continue to ride for her and her artistry. But in the meantime, the fellas out there, looking to throw the first stone, should back back.
I’ve seen girls stumbling through the street in the early morning, tugging on dresses that are best suited for the evening. I’ve even taken a perceived walk of shame myself. The reactions and my own feelings were interesting to say the least.
Still, at the end of the day, it’s quite sad that women feel shame or guilt simply trying to get home in the morning after a night of fun, inebriation, boning or a combination of the three.
Amber Rose, in her crusade to tackle the double standards and the ways in which women are shamed for sexual behavior, participated in a “Funny or Die” skit where she takes a “Walk of No Shame” through a Pleasantville type of atmosphere.
It’s something like a utopia, where instead of being judged, she is encouraged and even congratulated for getting some last night.
And the man who broke her off? Wait ’til the end to see him. You won’t be disappointed.
“Would You Let Your Son Leave The House Like This?” Woman Exposes Misogynistic Double Standards On Twitter
Perhaps you’ve been sleep. But most of us woke sisters out here have noticed that men love to police women and their bodies. Men and society, which is largely controlled by men, have all these rules and regulations for women. And the minute you step out of the box and violate one of those rules, you immediately open yourself up for all types of scrutiny. See: David Banner telling women that in order to get respect she should show more mind than ass… As if dressing in a particular fashion prevents women from being assaulted daily. Still, there were scads of people, men and women alike, who just didn’t seem to get it. So in order to make the message a bit more clear, Twitter user, @THEDONLADY, flipped the script and showed misogynists, misogynist sympathizers and all other oppressors of women what it looks like when we apply the same rigid and problematic standards to men.
Take a look.
Ladies, would you let your man/son leave the house like this? pic.twitter.com/ViSokwOerW
— BLACK GOD (@THEDONLADY) May 12, 2015
I never would’ve thought I would get into couponing until I started paying attention to how much my grocery trips cost each month. Trying to feed your family can take a small fortune.
Now I knew my husband — like many men — can eat the entire refrigerator by himself, but I had no clue our 13 month old would follow in his daddy’s footsteps. Our bi-weekly trips to the store are now weekly adventures where we pray the things we need are on sale. You hear about all of these couponing apps and folks who are saving hundreds on their grocery bills, which really puts things in perspective. When you think about it, why should any of us pay full price for items when there are tons of resources at our fingertips to help bring down the cost?
Since the start of the new year I have been trying to get better and better about couponing. Sometimes I take an hour to 90 minutes going through emails of coupons, all the savings apps on my phone and comparing them to our grocery store’s weekly sales flyer. Yeah, it definitely is a part-time job, but if it means lowering your bill, why not try? Call me a coupon geek but I love printing out a stack of coupons to take to the register, which is just like carrying money. In efforts to spread the good message, I shot updates to my gal pals so they can begin their savings journey. What’s interesting is the opposition I received from some that got me thinking.
Is there a racial double standard when it comes to clipping coupons?
Now this is something I never thought about as a coupon is a coupon. Sure my mother didn’t clip the papers all the time, but there was no shame in her game when it came to trying to save a buck. Yet some folks associate the art of couponing as a “White thing,” which I don’t really understand. Is it because many of the popular coupon websites are managed by White women? Does society really think a White mother with a handful of coupons at checkout is being financially savvy while a Black mom is too broke to afford her groceries?
Just because my husband and I can afford paying a high amount for groceries does not mean we want to do so. And I’m not about to sit up here and pay full retail to prove otherwise.
Thankfully I have never experienced a side-eye by a cashier when I roll up to checkout with my coupons… and I live in Oklahoma. There are tons of Frugal Frannies in my town who are all about affordability to single out someone because of their race. I just hate the idea of some unspoken racial divide (if there is one) that turns a money-saving resource into a social class discussion. Coupons might not be in glossy magazines but typically are accessible to everyone. If you want to really talk about injustice, let’s discuss those websites that have the nerve to charge money (yes, American dollars) to print out a coupon! Ten cents to purchase a forty cent coupon? Now that’s crazy!
Have you noticed a couponing double standard when it comes to race?
I’m convinced that we are obsessed with policing ourselves and each other too much, and this happens a lot when it comes to what we say is okay to do and wear in public. I’ve realized, as I’m sure that you have as well, that there is a double standard when it comes to the pedestal we expect each other as African American women to stand on. This is especially true for black women in the limelight, and made clear when compared to what we cheer on white women for wearing and doing. This became evident to me after watching the red carpet for the 57th annual Grammy Awards last week.
In case you missed it, Madonna mooned photographers while walking down the carpet in fishnets and what looked like a contraption made to lift her butt. And while I saw many women telling the 56-year-old singer to put some clothes on (mostly because of her age), I also saw others cheering her on. This is not the first time that Madge has worn little to nothing on the red carpet and been given a high five. But, I thought to myself, if Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj or any other prominent black woman in the public eye dared to try something like this, we would probably read her for filth.
Even in a previous post I wrote, I, along with a few others, criticized Amber Rose, Beyoncé and others for showing too much (after much more thought, my views about their attire, or a lack thereof, are less harsh). These are mothers, who by default, are placed in a category far removed from the word sexy. And yet, these beautiful women continue to show off their assets and encourage other women to embrace their own.
As for Madonna, the proud mother of four, who is known to push the limits, was allowed the opportunity to moon a crowd and receive “good press.” Certain sites described the superstar’s moment as “wacky” and “fun,” and applauded her for her “toned butt.” Essentially, the conversation was framed as something light-hearted that “only Madonna” could do. Bravo’s Andy Cohen even celebrated Madge and spoke up in her defense:
“Why should you deny Madonna the right to be Madonna? This is who she is. This is what she does. I was tweeting about her, and I got a lot of tweets from women who were saying, ‘She’s too old, she can’t do this, she looks ridiculous.’ I tweeted a couple back and I said, ‘Look, I’m looking at your avatar, and with all due respect, honey, you have a situation happening yourself.’ I don’t know why I’m on such a soap box about it, but I think it’s interesting. She’s Madonna. Let her keep being Madonna. Don’t take that away.”
I can’t help but wonder if this had been a notable black woman, who would have come to her defense? How come we laugh or cheer on other women for being bold and proud of showing off their bodies, but virtually rush to cover our own stars with a James Brown cape when they show the same confidence?
If something is deemed crass or tasteless, then let it be so across all platforms. If Madonna is getting a pass to show that ass, then so must Kim Kardashian’s LOVE magazine spread, Beyoncé’s pride in her post-baby body and booty, and Amber Rose’s barely there monokini photo shoots.
The responsibility placed on our women to operate within the constraints of having some sort of good behavior in order to represent well for us all on the main stage is both unfair and unrealistic. This is not a cover-it-all type of generation, nor should we force black women to live within a higher morality code if no one else has to. While I plan to keep my clothes on, I will no longer fault anyone else if they choose not to.
Television has been pretty “ratchet” for years, it’s just that some of the supposed ratchetness gets called out and others get Emmy nominations…
What I’m talking about is the fact that recently I lifted my ban on HBO’s “Girls,” which was instituted because of Lena Dunham. (I detailed my concerns a while ago here.) During season three, I watched somebody ejaculate on somebody else. On television. More specifically Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend Adam made his new girlfriend Natalia, crawl to his bedroom on all fours before aggressively having sex with her and relieving himself on her chest. While we didn’t see any peen, we definitely saw its handiwork. The entire scene was awkward and, considering that the girlfriend didn’t seem to enjoy it, slightly degrading.
With that said it wasn’t pointless. Any former and current sexually active woman probably can tell you that it ain’t all great sex. Once in a while, particularly when you are younger and exploring boundaries, there are some really awkward and flat-out sexually humiliating moments, which makes us feel bad afterwards. Therefore being honest about what women experience during sex in itself is not inherently bad and can present itself as a learning (or unpacking) opportunity. My question though that knowing how prudish we sometimes tend to be about these sorts of discussions, how did it even make it on television?
According to this Slate piece from last year entitled, A Seminal Moment, Aisha Harris writes that it almost didn’t make it. In fact:
“The biggest fight we’ve ever gotten in with HBO was about a cum shot, a money shot. They thought it was really gratuitous,”Jenni Konner tells The Hollywood Reporter. “They begged us not to do it. We said, ‘OK, fine.’ Then the next year, we had a story-motivated, emotional money shot, and they let us keep it. It really felt like we all grew together.”
In the same piece, Harris also writes about how the “money shot” has been performed on television before, albeit it’s still quite rare. The short list includes: a late 90s, BBC documentary; HBO’s other hit show about sexually active women in New York City called “Sex and the City”; and on the Showtime series “Californication.” So in retrospect, the “Girls'” sex scene is not the groundbreaking television we might have thought it to be. At least not for white women.
Black women have yet to experience a true sexual awakening in film and in television. There I said it.
And it’s not like there hasn’t been a black woman in the history of black people, who hasn’t tasted semen? I mean, sex (if done right) is pretty out there. But in film and television, our sex lives are pretty conservative, if they exist at all. Sure, we may allude to it; and we may even have a scene or two where we see our ebony lovers intertwined and rolling around together in the sheets. But there are always sheets – you know, to hide all the secret parts. And the closest the viewers actually get to their actual love making is the follow-up scene where they awakened the next morning with hair tussled.
On television and in film, we are only supposed to be respectable people. At all times. Even in those instances when the show itself is produced by a black person, we are only supposed to show black relationships, which resemble Claire and Bill Huxtable, who never had sex even though they had a gang of children. Even with the majority of real life dark skinned consenting adults engaging in sexual relationships outside of the confines of marriage and/or procreation, on television the most we allow is a kiss with mouths closed and the family lip syncing about taboo topics around the Thanksgiving table. That’s what “Reed Between the Lines” was. That what “For Better or Worse” was supposed to be too. And then there was “The First Family.” You get no more Cosby-esque than that. And for the most part, those shows are boring, and they don’t last long. Mainly because the real The Cosby show is on Netflix…
And while the vast majority of television is swimming in large vats of debauchery and mayhem (also known as shows with plots and drama, which is normal of television), black folks’ scripted cinematically are still trying to maintain a morally righteous image of ourselves. Of course the exception are reality shows. But we shun those for the very reasons that many of us tune in to watch shows like HBO’s “Girls.”
And at whose expense does this happen? And how do we limit ourselves creatively if we shy away from images of ourselves, which are slightly perverse and subversive?
Often times it means that black centered film and television lacks the same level of openness and diversity meanwhile our mainstream counterparts’ with their vast expression of real life experiences become television shows, which everybody enjoys including black folks. Then we lament how black centered film and television lacks the same level of openness about human behavior. And realness. As such black folks can’t be “Breaking Bad” because that is just promoting crack. We couldn’t be “The Sopranos.” Nope that’s like promoting gang culture and y’all know we have that bad incarceration rate. We can’t do “Game of Thrones” either because…well don’t be disrespecting the ancestors like that. Even our beloved “The Wire” was created and scripted from outside of the community. It’s no wonder those shows, written and produced for mainly non-black audiences, become the stand-in for all, meanwhile our stuff becomes more niched to the after-church service crowds.
And it is not necessarily the fault our black filmmakers and writers, although folks could be a little braver in their own storytelling. But in spite of our political and social advancements including the election of the first black president, and proclamations by this younger generation of colorblindness, culturally “we” still care very much about how white folks see us – even when the odds are they can’t tell most of us apart. Even with the odds that since slavery, black women had to endure contradictory stereotypes like Mammy and Jezebel and no matter what we do, they still persist. To me that sucks and it is not how we should be forced to live.
Not just for film but because why are white girls the only ones who can f**k and suck on television while also maintaining legitimacy as feminine, good mothers and virtuous women? Why did we cheer for Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big in ways that we can’t for Mary Jane or Olivia Pope? Why must normal and healthy sex on black skin be seen as depraved?
And this is not a matter of doing something because white people do it. This is acknowledging that there is a remote possibility that someone black might do those things too. And white folks don’t have the monopoly on freaky sex. And this is also about the resentment, even envy, which comes from other women being able to publicly talk about all the joy and confusing proclivities around sex without having to worry about how such representation would affect her credibility, professional or romantic prospects. At some point we have to realize how much we (yes, including other black women) have become the guardians and gatekeepers of some of our own oppression.
‘Men Are Free And Women Are Not:’ Beyoncé Talks Sexual Liberation & Gender Equality With Out Magazine
When Beyoncé released her fifth studio album this past summer, fans were exposed to a more sensual side of the singer. On one hand, some people like Grammy Award-winning producer Pharrell praised the singer for setting mother and wives free with her sexual lyrics.
“Only a momma can talk like that. Only a wife can talk like that. That is your strength,” he told her. “You just ran through jail and let all the women out cuz. You set women free!”
On the other hand, the married mother has also been criticized for her risqué lyrics. She recently covered the Power issue of Out magazine. During her interview she addressed the double standard when it comes to genders and sexuality and why she was so determined that make her latest album her most honest one. Check out some of her interview highlights below.
On double standards in regard to sexuality:
“There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality,” she explains. “There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persists. Men are free and women are not. That is crazy. The old lessons of submissiveness and fragility made us victims. Women are so much more than that. You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist, and a feminist—whatever you want to be—and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive.”
On wanting her fifth studio album to be honest:
“While I am definitely conscious of all the different types of people who listen to my music, I really set out to make the most personal, honest, and best album I could make. I needed to free myself from the pressures and expectations of what I thought I should say or be, and just speak from the heart.”
On advocating for human rights and equality:
“Being that I am a woman in a male-dominated society, the feminist mentality rang true to me and became a way to personalize that struggle…But what I’m really referring to, and hoping for, is human rights and equality, not just that between a woman and a man. So I’m very happy if my words can ever inspire or empower someone who considers themselves an oppressed minority…We are all the same and we all want the same things: the right to be happy, to be just who we want to be and to love who we want to love.”
On being extremely ambitious about putting out the new album:
“I was recording, shooting videos, and performing on the tour every night, all at the same time. At some point I felt like, ‘What am I doing? Is this too ambitious?’ Even the day the record was to be released I was scared to death. But I also knew if I was that scared, something big was about to happen.”
“When I recorded ‘XO’ I was sick with a bad sinus infection. I recorded it in a few minutes just as a demo and decided to keep the vocals. I lived with most of the songs for a year and never re-recorded the demo vocals. I really loved the imperfections, so I kept the original demos. I spent the time I’d normally spend on backgrounds and vocal production on getting the music perfect. There were days I spend solely on getting the perfect mix of sounds for the snare alone. Discipline, patience, control, truth, risk, and effortlessness were all things I thought about while I was putting this album together.”
After our recent post on things that women can get away with in public, we didn’t want the men to feel left out. Expected to be a little gruffer and louder, men can usually pull off these acts without being judged.
People may call us quirky, or a little eccentric, but doing these things will never jeopardize a woman’s reputation as a woman. Men, however, would be ridiculed to no end for trying to pull any of these acts off.
Drake, king of the wheelchair-rolling, light skinned rapping Emos, has finally opened up about the traumatic experience of being threatened with Amanda Bynes’ nether regions.
In an blurb from the 16thanniversary issue of XXL Magazine, which goes on sale August 20, Drake finally broke his silence about being uncomfortable when the former Disney starlet began tweeting to him disparaging remarks about his looks, including a request that he “murder her v*gina:”
“I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.”
There is no doubt that Bynes, who was recently (and finally) hospitalized after months of crazy talk about a whole host of folks, is suffering from some sort of mental issue. And in all seriousness (because mental illness is real out here, folks) I hope she gets the help she needs. But much to my chagrin, is the irony of Drake, a rapper, labeling Bynes vulgar objectification of him as “weird” and “disturbing” and completely dismissing it as an obvious “behavioral pattern that is way bigger” than him.
I know he isn’t talking. Are we, or are we not talking about smooth crooning Drake, whose “I’m-not-afraid-to-be-in-touch-with-my-emotions” style of lyricism largely exists out of aggression and hyper masculinity of what we normally associate with hip-hop? But even through his Mr. Sensitivity, lady-swooning rap, Drake still manages to treat women like objects as opposed to actual human beings. Like in the song, “Lord Knows,” when he said:
“I know that they tryin’ to push me/I know that showin’ emotion don’t ever mean I’m a p*ssy/Know that I don’t make music for niggas that don’t get p*ssy/So those are the ones I count on to dis me or overlook me.”
Because while he is rubbing your back and dabbing your tears away, he is still trading your v*gina as a commodity for street cred and “real” manhood. And that is pretty much the theme in most of Drake’s music. While he is telling you how you make him proud, he is saying it to you while you are giving him a lap dance. And while he is telling you to not get confused, that you are the best he ever had, he’s also saying it with a basketball team of big-breasted women bouncing around him. Basically, Drake is just the verbal manifestation of the one patronizing guy, who has basically mastered the art of treating you like a “b***h” without actually calling you one (even though occasionally he’ll do just that, especially if you fail to show up in the gym for practice).
That’s why I always find it amusing when the fellas find themselves on the other end of the objectification lens. Far too often, it is women, who have been reduced and compartmentalized down to a few body parts to be bragged about or disparaged. And far too often, we are told to take it as flattery. But here we have Drake, a person who makes a pretty good living off of fun and lyrically good songs about objectifying women, being reduced by Bynes down to his single organ. And guess what? He doesn’t like it very much. Talk about a double standard.