All Articles Tagged "divorce"
Speaking of divorce, a new study says that women are much better at bouncing back after ending a marriage than their male counterparts.
According to a national survey conducted by Avvo, 73 percent of divorced women say that they ended their marriages with no regrets, while only 61 percent of divorced men could say the same. This same study revealed that most women prefer to be happy, alone, and successful as opposed to being miserable in a failing marriage.
Sociologist and sexologist Dr. Pepper Schwartz reasons that men are often fearful of being on their own after living as a married person for so long.
“Men are more fearful of being on their own once they’ve been domesticated by their marriage, and even though men are more likely to think that marriage is an outdated institution on principle – they’re more likely to want to stay put even if things aren’t so great,” observed Schwartz. “Women, on the other hand, prize happiness over marriage, and are less fearful of independence generally. Whatever the underlying reasons, both partners have a role in a relationship not working, women included – even if that means as a partner, making more mistakes that you care to admit, or even choosing the wrong partner.”
Interestingly, the study also found that women are less likely to own up to their mistakes when the marriage is over. When asked who was to blame for the marriage ending, 64 percent of women blamed their spouses while only 44 percent of men said the same. When asked if both parties should share the blame, 42 percent of men and 29 percent of women said yes.
“As the saying goes, it takes two to tango and two to ruin a relationship, but women are less likely to take their share of the blame,” Schwartz said. “Gender roles and traditional stereotypes of domestic partnerships absolutely play a role here. It might be that women believe that self-blame is not empowering, and men may feel as though it’s not masculine to blame their wives.”
Deciding that you want out of a marriage is the first step of many on the road to divorce. Divorce is a delicate dance, so before you pull the trigger and actually file, there are measures you should take to stack the odds in your favor and to help ensure the best possible outcome for you and your family.
First and foremost, be certain that this is actually what you want. Divorce can be a long and grueling process. The last thing that you want to do is dive into the deep only to realize that you’ve made a mistake.
Hire a trusted attorney
If you’re certain that you desire to end things, the next step is to hire a trusted attorney. It might be tempting to jumping at the first lawyer you meet with because you just want to get the process rolling, but hiring the wrong representation will leave you with more than a few regrets. Do your research and ask the right questions.
“Divorce is difficult enough. Working with a lawyer you don’t trust will only make it worse. You know, hindsight is always 20/20 and one of the worst things you can do is go through it with regret because you chose the wrong representation,” says attorney Michelle C. Thomas of M.C. Thomas and Associates. “Do your research, ask for referrals, visit the attorneys’ website and read testimonials before the consultation so you know the right questions to ask to determine if the attorney is a good fit for you.”
According to Thomas, one good sign that an attorney is a good fit is that they’ve answered all of your questions completely and thoughtfully.
“The attorney is a good fit if you leave feeling like all of your questions have been answered. It’s important to be fully informed about the legal process so that you can make educated decisions during your case. Nothing matters more than your family. No lawyer should make a prospective client feel uncomfortable asking questions,” she explains.
Also, you should make sure that the attorney is experienced in divorce and family court proceedings.
“Practically speaking, you should make sure that the attorney’s primary practice area is in the area that you need. Consider asking, ‘How much of your practice is devoted to divorce, or child custody, or complex litigation?’ Because my firm focuses on divorce and family law everyday, we are more likely to be conversant in the nuances and frequent changes within the law.”
And finally, trust your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, continue to shop around.
Collect important paperwork
Preparation will take you a long way, so it’s recommended that you do the necessary footwork to gather required paperwork that will help your divorce proceeding move along a little more smoothly.
“At my divorce law firm, we send prospective clients a Divorce Checklist or Custody Checklist immediately following the scheduling of a consultation so that the client comes to the meeting prepared. Financial records, tax returns, deeds and mortgage statements are a few examples of paperwork that should be gathered in advance of the first meeting.”
If you’re ending your marriage because of infidelity on your partner’s behalf, this may also mean gathering evidence.
“Now, this is a big one; infidelity can play out in so many different ways during divorce. In fault based jurisdictions such as Virginia or Maryland, proving infidelity can affect whether a spouse is barred from receiving spousal support, and can affect the distribution of property. The type of evidence needed to prove infidelity varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction,” explains Thomas.
“Sadly, society has progressed to a place where infidelity no longer shocks the conscience. However, if significant marital assets have been wasted on an extramarital affair, then the wronged spouse may be entitled to get some of that money back.”
Establish living arrangements
Where will you live while going through the divorce? Will you and your soon-to-be-ex live under the same roof until things are final? Do you have a backup plan in place if he or she refuses to leave? While you may not be able to predict how your spouse will react after being served with divorce papers, you can help yourself by having an exit strategy in place should things get ugly.
Figure out your ideal custodial situation
There’s no guarantee that things will turn out exactly how you want them to; however, it helps to go into this knowing what you want in terms of custody.
“It’s almost always helpful if a temporary agreement can be reached regarding timesharing arrangements for the children prior to initiating the divorce process,” says Thomas.
You should also make provisions for where your children will be at the time your spouse is served.
“Of course, make sure the children will be safe when your spouse is served. If it is likely that the spouse will become enraged upon being served, then make sure the children are not present at that time.”
Choosing to end a marriage is a huge and likely scary decision, but the right attorney should make the process as painless as possible.
“No matter what the issues, what’s most important is that you seek competent legal counsel as early in the process as possible to avoid regretting major decisions down the road,” says Thomas.
To me, the seven-year itch has always been a silly concept used to discourage people from getting married; however, new research suggests that this is actually a thing. In case you’re in the dark, the seven-year itch is a psychological term used to describe a decline in marital satisfaction around the seven-year mark.
According to the Daily Mail, a recent study out of Cambridge University suggests that couples are actually more likely to divorce after year seven. Cambridge University statistics professor Sir David Spiegelhalter also notes that if a couple survives the seventh year of marriage, the likelihood of divorce declines each year after that.
“Seven years is the peak risk time for divorce during a marriage,” said Sir David.
He went on to say that while some may expect the likelihood of divorce to increase again later in the relationship, there’s no evidence to support this theory.
“[The risk of divorce] just steadily declines as we get used to each other. It’s a four-star statistic, the seven-year itch.”
Of course, you know your marriage better than anyone, so there’s nothing that a study can really tell you about your relationship that you probably don’t already know. However, the results of this study raise an interesting question: What is it about year seven that makes staying together so difficult?
Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa have finally reached a divorce settlement nearly two years after the model and socialite filed to end their marriage.
According to TMZ, under their prenup, Amber will walk away from the marriage with $1 million. Wiz has already paid $356, 000, so he currently owes her an additonal $644,00. As for child support for their 3-year-old son, Sebastian, Wiz has agreed to pay Amber $14, 800 per month. The two will share legal and physical custody of the tot.
What’s even better is that although the two separated under rocky terms —Amber reportedly caught Wiz cheating — it appears that they have made peace with one another. Monday night, the exes were spotted celebrating the settlement together at a strip club — and they both appeared very happy.
While it’s unfortunate that their marriage has come to an end, it’s refreshing to see that these two are still able to maintain a friendship, which will likely translate into an awesome co-parenting relationship.
Check out our newest series Curls Run The World featuring YouTuber Yolanda Renee:
If you want out of your marriage but can’t quite afford to do so, you just might be able to get some help with that.
Sara and Josh Margulis, the creators of Honeyfund — a crowdsourcing platform, which allows couples to raise money for their upcoming honeymoons — recently introduced a “Divorce Registry” section to their parent site, Plumfund. In many cases, divorce means moving out and splitting up belongings, but not to worry, the Margulises have got you covered there too. In addition to raising money for things like legal fees, the Divorce Registry also allows soon-to-be-divorcés to solicit gifts from loved ones as well.
“Plumfund allows loved ones to support a friend going through a divorce—one of life’s biggest changes. Divorces can involve costly legal fees, setting up new households, even unexpected costs when the divorce is contested,” the website explains. “It’s simple: Create a gift registry or divorce fund, spread the word, and your friend will soon have badly needed support in the form of divorce gifts. Register for specific items with a Plumfund wish list, or simply pool cash donations. Gifts are free of charge with offline payments, or online at a very low cost.”
Apparently, the couple recently received advice from HuffPost founder Arianna Huffington to add a divorce registry to website’s list of offerings and decided to act on it.
“Because of my own experience, I loved the idea,” Sara told HuffPost. “I had a friend going through a long, drawn-out divorce and I had set up a Plumfund for her where friends and family could offer financial support. The friend was very grateful for the support.”
Considering how pricey ending a marriage can be, this really isn’t a bad idea; however, it’s likely that many won’t feel comfortable using crowdsourcing for a process as personal as divorce.
What are your thoughts on utilizing a platform like Plumfund to finance a divorce?
In the morning, I’ll fumble out of the bedroom and try to catch a glimpse of her putting on her makeup in the bathroom, the crackle and hiss of the baby monitor the only real sound in her whole damn house. I try to be sly about it but I know my slyness has worn away over time. Plus, f*ck it. What do I have to lose now?
I met Monica one sweaty August night more than a decade ago and married her like a freight train six weeks later. She was a western girl, born into the madness of a land called Utah.
We were like a magnificent cowboy movie from the start.
There wasn’t all that much thought involved the wedding. We didn’t sit around her mama’s kitchen table looking at catalogs of wedding gowns or catering menus or any of that sh*t. We spotted each other as the sun went down on a crazy desert town and we started firing at each other right away.
Close to the bone, that’s how I like my love affairs.
I know that now, because I was lucky enough to live through, to survive, our marriage — and divorce 10 years later — to come riding back up over the mesa of our years together with one badass sunset sinking down behind me. Most people spend their lifetimes in the back lots of their imagination wishing away what they have for something bigger to come along and sweep them away.
Most people simply dream of falling in love hard and fast and for real. But most people never even get a taste of it.
I’m not saying they don’t fall in love for real, that would be a stupid thing to say. I’d say I’m way more of a dreamer than a thinker, but even so: I never ever dreamed I could fall in love quite the way that Monica and I did. We found each other in a hail of bullets and arrows and we never once thought twice about jumping off that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid cliff together.
Fact is, we were probably always the kind of people just looking for the damn cliff; we just needed a partner to take the leap alongside us.
Now, three kids and a divorce later — and with so much anger/laughter/sadness/joy/trash talk/dirty talk/Friday night couch pizza/HBO binge-watching/dog love/dog loss/money trouble/personality-crushing/soul-sucking/daily heart reincarnating/Sunday sunshine/bring me a beer-ness — behind us, I find myself watching her getting ready for work in the morning and I whisper to myself, “Dude. That’s your girlfriend. She’s a f*ckin’ hoot, too. Lucky bastard you are, bro.”
And it means more to me than anything I can tell you.
For me it’s purely gravitational, this natural pull to be with my ex-wife. I believe it took us killing something ‘legal and official’ in order to be able to stumble upon this reincarnated version of ourselves, of our thing together.
Love — or even the possibility of love — is fickle. And even when we were divorcing, I never wanted to be apart from her. She means too much to me. We click. And we’ve learned a lot about the art of staying clicked when the sh*t hits the fans.
These days, we keep two separate homes, two different economies, and we specialize in our three kids.
We’ve carved out a more satisfying scenario for ourselves this time around; in so many ways, we’re dating the person we lost long ago in the muddled confusion of a failed marriage. That’s pretty cool … and pretty damn rare.
Listen, all of this is like a supernova blowing up in my face and I dig it. I dig it because I don’t even have a sliver of the intelligence or the sage-like qualities that it would take for me to comprehend why my heart wants what it wants when the only thing it ever seems to want is the same thing that the signed divorce documents show that I didn’t really want anymore.
But divorce be damned, to hell with the formalities.
We are two cliff-jumping sons-of-bitches. And listen to me: there is real magic buried deep down inside the electrifying awkwardness that slams into us whenever we roll down the road in my Honda, some Radiohead CD going off, our kids rubbing snot into the seats like Roman blood into the ruins of something wonderful and real that will take time to appreciate.
Monica rolls her fingers up on mine and I look over at her and she holds back the teenager smile that she always holds back and I’m good, dude.
I could date a bunch of women, for the rest of my days, but I don’t suppose I’d ever wander back onto the set of a Western quite like this one.
Even when we tried to quit it, we couldn’t quit it. Even when we tried to roll the credits, the credits refused to roll. Look, no one in their right minds would ever give us a fighting chance at this point. But that’s why they ain’t us. Me and Monica, we’ll be fine. We were fine, we got un-fine, we found the fine again. True love, she rolls that way. I have to believe that; I do believe that.
While the rest of the world dreams up another love story, we’ll be sitting there up on a rocky crop watching another payroll train all splayed out across another sunset valley.
There will be awkward silence for a sec and then we’ll find our way.
“Let’s rob it, yo,” my girlfriend will say as the rough warm wind kicks up hard across her pretty little knees. And I’ll just toss my cigarette like a badass and it’ll land on the back of a six-foot curled-up rattlesnake sleeping by a cactus. Then I’ll kind of say what needs to be said, what we’ve been saying all along, really.
“Oh yeah, baby,” I’ll tell her. “Let’s go rob us a train.”
Have you experienced being divorced and dating your ex? Would you consider dating your ex?
Reprinted with permission from YourTango.com
I promise you, I wanted to kill my friend’s husband when I first heard they were getting a divorce. While I’m well-versed in soothing a friend’s broken heart after she catches her bae sliding into someone’s DMs, I was way out of my depth with the legalities of splitting assets and family finances. In most cases, I’d share tubs of Talenti with her, cry it out over Love Jones and unleash a diatribe about her ex’s aint sh*tness. But even though I desperately wanted to make my friend’s soon-to-be ex-husband the enemy, I found it difficult to channel all my anger toward denouncing him, because as this nightmare of broken martial bliss spiraled, she needed me more than I needed to be angry with him.
I’d never seen my friend so broken and threw on my cape to rescue her from emotional devastation. Except, it’s not possible. I quickly learned that divorce is as much of a deep, dark emotional journey as it is a legal battle and no one can be saved from it. She will mourn as if a family member died. If she has kids, she’ll panic about being a single mother. She’ll cry, scream and allow her anger to runneth over, and in those times, I can only stand as her rock, not necessarily her protector. That’s not to say it’ll be easy, though, especially since it’s a new experience for the both of us. If you find yourself in my shoes, know that helping a friend wade through the divorce process is a learning curve. Here’s how to be a solid support system as your BFF ventures through her post-divorce blues.
Listen and be present.
As your homegirl loses someone she considered her life partner, she will want to talk about it incessantly, and all she needs is your ear. Even when she only intends to sit in silence, your presence alone will soothe the loneliness she feels after a failed marriage.
Keep you mouth shut.
Maintain your friend’s privacy. Don’t blab about her divorce to everyone on the block, even with the other folks who are well aware of her relationship status. Unless your friend is depressed and needs medical attention, or you need to plan a girls’ night out to help her shake off the sadness, honor the girl code of silence.
Don’t bash her ex.
Leave calling him every name but a child of God up to her. You may agree with her at the height of her heartbreak, but don’t chime in, especially if kids are involved. She might become defensive about the man she said “I do” to. In fact, she may get back with him at some point, and you won’t want to be the judgmental BFF she can no longer lean on.
Plan something fun.
Take her mind off of things for a while with a shopping trip or girls’ game night. Chances are she won’t be gung-ho to slip on a dress and grab drinks, but do something she enjoys that will remind her of life outside of lawyers and legal documents.
It takes a village to raise a child…and to get over a divorce. Quotes, lyrics and positive affirmations from women who’ve overcome marital woes can help your friend feel empowered. Though her man might not come running back to rub her feet, she may find strength in a few replays of Lemonade or reading Nora Ephron’s Heartburn.
Remember it’s about her, not you.
Sorry, but there’s no space for your feelings during your friend’s divorce. It’s not that you can’t have an opinion about how she’s throwing herself into her work or distracting herself with Tinder, but how she decides to deal is solely her choice. Of course, as a friend, be sure she’s not harming herself or others, but ultimately, your only job is to love her through her flock of feelings.
Thinking about divorce and throwing in the marriage towel? I get it — that thing is often sweaty, dirty and tired. But before you give up on your relationship, be sure to exhaust all of your resources for saving your coupledom. Dr. Stephanie Knarr of The Relationship Repair Shop shares on a few tips to keep your marriage from hitting the rocks.
1. Log a complaint.
“Most marriages are on the rocks because one (or both) spouses have not resolved each other’s relationship complaints,” says Dr. Stephanie. She advises couples to visit the “Customer Service Counter” for their marriages and literally log complaints with each other like a car in a repair shop.
2. Ring the alarm.
Dr. Stephanie encourages couples to ring the alarm bell which is necessary to give each other an opportunity to resolve their relationship complaints.
3. Be specific.
“Tell your partner what resolutions you need to see in order stay in the relationship,” says Dr. Stephanie. Consider it your wish list or your needs list, but either way, be clear about what you need from your relationship and be prepared to listen to your partner’s needs as well.
4. Make your actions speak louder than words.
Get their attention with your behavior because some people do not react to words, explains Dr. Stephanie. “For example, tell them you are going to take some space for the weekend or for a few days to give them time to think about your complaints and your resolutions,” she suggests.
5. Give an ultimatum.
“Sometimes an ultimatum can be a positive step,” says Dr. Stephanie. “Explain that you need changes and resolutions to happen or you may leave permanently,” she explains. “Taking these steps is ringing the alarm bell because you have told your partner you are thinking about ending the relationship — and you have told them exactly why.”
6. Visit a marriage counselor.
Make like Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick (yes, the reality couple) and get yourselves to a marriage counselor, pronto. “Even if your spouse won’t go, it’s a great idea for you to go alone to discuss possible changes that you can make to change the dynamics in your marriage,” explains Dr. Stephanie.
“I have coached people to make behavioral changes in their marriage that have ultimately led to better outcomes, even while meeting with me individually.”
7. Be the change you want to see.
“Remember, for marriage and family relationships to change, it’s normal for one person to push for the change to occur while the other person resists,” she says. “In some cases, you have to be willing to withstand conflict and resistance in order to see the changes you desire.”
8. Be persistent.
“Some people have only filed a complaint one time even though they are ready to end the marriage over it,” says Dr. Stephanie. “But you are worthy of receiving good service at the Marriage Customer Service Counter! So keep filing your complaint until it gets resolved.”
9. Focus on the outcome.
With all this talk about complaints, it’s easy for couples to get trapped into thinking that complaining just to complain is productive. Instead, Dr. Stephanie advises couples to log the complaint but focus on the outcome of the behavior they hope to see changed. “I encourage people to keep the complaint brief — and to focus instead on asking for the desired resolution,” she explains.
10. Re-frame whining.
Dr. Stephanie is adamant that complaining, fighting and whining can have a positive purpose in a marriage. “Whining actually has a positive side,” write Dr. Stephanie on her blog. “This may seem silly, but some of this stuff is a part of intimacy.” She encourages her clients to use the 5:1 ratio suggested by Dr. John Gottman and to be sure to have 5 positive interactions with one’s spouse (like a hug or a compliment) for every 1 negative one.
Originally posted at YourTango.com
When a couple decides to end their marriage, with the exception of co-parenting, they typically aren’t looking for ways to reinvent their relationship. However, after Ken and Wanda Bass split up after 15 years of marriage, the ex-couple eventually became business partners.
According to the Huffington Post, after their divorce in 2002, the former couple argued, a lot. But they eventually decided to make a change for the sake of their children.
“Co-parenting may not require friendship right away but it does require cooperation in order for your children to grow up in a socially healthy environment,” Wanda told the publication.
In an attempt to extend an olive branch of sorts, Ken wanted to send Wanda a greeting card; however, after scanning the aisles of different drug stores, he realized that there weren’t many options for divorced couples. When searching for a Mother’s Day card for Wanda, he faced the same problem.
“I knew if this was a problem for us that there had to be others out there with the same problem,” shared Ken.
Out of this need, the pair’s greeting card business, Xcards, was birthed.
“Xcards became that stepping stone for forgiveness, healing, and restoration for us,” said Wanda.
The cards cover every major holiday from Father’s Day to Christmas. There are also cards that assist with mending fences between exes.
“Our sons are just as excited as we are about the positive impact Xcards can have on families,” she said. “Attitude really is everything. The amount of time spent fighting as parents is counterproductive. Instead, try engaging.”
Xcards are for sale beginning at $2.75 and are available for purchase at cards4x.com