All Articles Tagged "divorce"
When it comes to love, Terrence Howard doesn’t have the best luck. Judging by the headlines, it seems that his relationships are often marred by dysfunction. And while we thought he was making it work with his third wife and mother of his youngest child, Mira (also known as Miranda) Pak, it turns out, they’ve been divorced for close to a month now.
According to the New York Daily News, Howard and Pak’s marriage officially ended on July 27.
Pak, 38, filed for divorce back in March when she was still pregnant with the couple’s child. She cited irreconcilable differences and claimed she and Howard have been separated since August 2014.
The news was revealed during divorce proceedings between Howard and his second wife Michelle Ghent. You may remember Howard is battling Ghent to overturn a 2012 settlement due to claims that she extorted him by threatening to release recordings of him dancing naked and engaging and in phone sex with other women.
When Howard testified on Monday, a lawyer for Ghent referred to Pak as Terrence’s ex wife. The news came as a surprise for many in attendance, particularly since Pak was seen with Howard in court last week.
The couple married in October 2013, after dating for a month and welcomed their son Qirin in May.
During court proceedings Howard was asked about an incriminating phone call where he was recorded saying that he still loved Ghent, despite being married to Pak.
The same month he married Pak he told Ghent, “I will never love someone like I loved you. You are my dream of all time.”
When Ghent asked him why he married Pak he said the union was comforting but not as fulfilling as their relationship.
“I’ve got a chance to be okay and to just settle,” Howard said.
And then later, “I have the most brilliant mind in the fucking world. ”
Before that conversation, Ghent took out a restraining order against Howard after she claimed he punched and choked her during what was supposed to be a reconciliation trip back in Costa Rica back in July 2013.
When asked why he told Ghent he loved her when he was married to Pak, Howard said, “I loved her, and I was afraid of her also.”
Oh, the drama.
You can read the official divorce documents, filed on March 5 in Chicago Illinois over at the Daily News.
Serious question: If your marriage is over, why wouldn’t you take the ring off? These celebrity couples who claimed their relationship was on its way out are still holding on to their wedding bling and giving hope to their fans that things aren’t really over after all.
“You’re gonna sleep in the guest bedroom, right?”
Look, I love my husband and all, but if we divorce, someone has got to go. Did anyone watch that movie War of the Roses (1989) where a couple who was divorcing refused to move out the house? Spoiler alert: They killed each other. Literally.
It’s easy to think how quickly you would cut ties from your former lover, but in reality, it might not be so effortless. A recent op-ed in VOGUE spoke on married celebrity couples who choose to live together after breaking up. At first glance, you might agree it would be super easy for someone like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner to do so — considering they have a huge home and guest house on the property. They also happen to have tons of money to “consciously uncouple” or whatever it is they call it these days. However, what’s interesting to point out is that celebs aren’t the only ones making this decision.
Online legal directory HG.org shed some light on how common living together after divorce can be. When you stop and think about it, there are tons of reasons why exes would make the choice to share the same address for a period of time. Kids are often a huge factor, as many parents don’t want to disrupt the normalcy if their lives. So it might be easier for some to grit their teeth and keep a smile until their child heads off to college. Personally, I think that would be more of a prison sentence (my folks divorced when I was five but were able to co-parent).
The biggest explanation HG.org notes for living together post-divorce is money. “Rather than take a big loss on the house, ex-spouses are deciding to jump from marriage partners to roommates, hoping that the economy and the housing market will turn around and they can sell the home sooner rather than later.”
Well that makes a bit of sense.
Even though the housing market appears to be healthy for now, that doesn’t mean homeowners aren’t faced with financial hardships. Real estate experts are paying close watch to a shift that appears to make renting more affordable than purchasing a home. Even with reduced home prices and historically low interest rates, the option to rent looks to be a more favorable choice that can leave those looking to sell their home in the back seat.
Millennials are also moving back in with their parents at higher rates that could also have something to do with income stability.
Obviously, this decision will greatly depend on the individuals involved. Some might be able to call a former wife or husband roommate for a period of time, while others can’t wait to pack their bags and leave. God forbid I find myself in a situation like this, I would like to think neither my husband or I would be super quick to give each other the boot — especially when you consider we have a toddler and a newborn. Sure there would need to be some decision-making down the road, but right off the bat, perhaps not.
Divorce is already a conundrum in itself as you need to emotionally and financially detach from someone you thought would be your happily ever after. At least by living together for a period of time (hopefully short if you hate each other), you’ll both be able to collect your thoughts and count your coins.
Would you ever consider living with an ex?
With today’s wedding costs rising upwards of $30,000 it’s no wonder people want to do everything they can before calling it quits. After all, you had your special day, received those bomb gifts and probably purchased a home the two of you can call your own. Doesn’t it make sense to fight a little harder to ensure things have a happily ever after?
Sadly, not every relationship is a fairy tale, which means you might need to make an emotional, but very necessary decision. Thankfully it looks like the divorce rate in the U.S. is falling, which can be good news for some, but not those already headed in that direction. Once you rip off the emotional Band-Aid you’re now faced with another challenge: Trying to divvy up your financial investments.
Are you mad you didn’t start that in-case-of-emergency divorce fund? Don’t fret too much. Here are a few pointers for treading the rough waters ahead.
Keep things cordial and communication open. This tip might not be about dollars but it does make sense (get it?). A divorce can get very ugly, as couples once in love almost want to do everything they can to tear each other apart. Rather than let your emotions get the best of you, do what you can to keep things kosher. This will help move the process along as the cost of a divorce attorney and associated fees with uncoupling can get pricey.
Get your papers and coins. Hopefully you believe in electronic statements because it can be a real pain trying to search an already unhappy home for bank-related documents. You need to have as many financial statements in your possession as possible in the event of a divorce. It’s also a good idea to open up an account just in your name if you don’t already have one.
Speak with an expert. In addition to hiring a divorce attorney, you should also consider a consultation with a financial adviser. Most will be able to give you the rundown on what to expect when it comes to splitting up your money, general tax-related issues and other financial tidbits. The more you know beforehand, the easier the transition will be. Note: You should also speak with an estate planner who can help you make changes to your will.
Strengthen your dollar. Let’s face it, it’s going to suck a bit not having extra income to help with bills. Now is the time to think about the expenses you have and will acquire in the future as a newly single person (e.g. housing, transportation). Does your current income need adjusting, or do you have enough to make ends meet? Will you need additional income from a side hustle or part-time job?
Create a new budget. Keep yourself accountable when it comes to your spending. Some newly divorced people seem to forget life is a little different without a partner. This means you might need to save more where you previously spent. Hopefully you know how to budget. Don’t worry too much though, there are plenty of ways to enjoy life’s luxuries without breaking the bank.
Check your credit. Oh honey, don’t you know all is fair in love and war? Folks really show their true colors when they feel some kind of way. This is one of the reasons you need to stay abreast of your credit score — especially if a soon-to-be ex was in charge of paying the bills.
Get ready for the workforce. Those who took a break working out of the home and need to get back in the game should listen up. Not only should you look into ways you can cover yourself with regards to insurance, but you’ll also need to dust off that resume. Highlight important job skills and work to fill any holes in your resume.
Despite another round of rumors about their split, Will and Jada aren’t getting divorced. But why do some celebrity couples seem to be constantly battling divorce rumors when they say they’re perfectly happy? Do the tabloids have it in for these couples? Or is there something behind the rumors?
All day long, media outlets have been claiming that Will and Jada are ending their 17 year marriage. The story gained such traction that it was one of the top trending topics on Facebook. It was everywhere.
But if you fell for the trap and clicked on the story, you probably noticed that there were no receipts to speak of. There was an unnamed source and there were no official documents.
This has happened far too many times for us to take this seriously. But it kept growing and growing.
And just as people were starting to doubt the authenticity of Will and Jada’s love, our boy released a statement through his own Facebook page.
See what he said.
And then Jada came through with a co-sign.
My king has spoken.
— Jada Pinkett Smith (@jadapsmith) August 3, 2015
Well, there you have it.
“Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.” ~ Billie Holiday
LOVE LESSON: HEALING THE MULTI-FAMILY DYNAMIC.
A few months ago my brother married his beautiful soulmate in Jamaica. Excited about the pending nuptials, my family all secured tickets and made plans to celebrate their love. Then, through a series of mis-communications it appeared to us as if my mother, sister and I were not invited to the bridal shower. It seemed that my “half-sister”, whom we also love and adore, was planning the shower as it took place in her building. We were not given the date, time or location of the event although I had offered to help the bride, whom I already considered family, with the shower from day one.
Understandably, there were many tears shed over the fact that the person I’ve known the longest on the planet would be getting married and not only would I be excluded from the pre-nuptial events, but so would my mother.
I grew up with one brother and sister in a house with both of my parents. My father was there about eighty-five percent of the time. There were interludes where he would abruptly and suddenly (from my vantage point) move out without notice or discussion. Now, as an adult, I know that those were the times where he had cheated on my mother and fathered “outside children.” Because kids are never as “dumb” as parents think they are to the goings-on around them, in hindsight I also know that my mother would sometimes confront these women and my father. Ultimately he would move back in and we’d pick up from where we left off as a family with no discussion of the dramatic and traumatic events that had transpired.
Post-Traumatic Love Disorder.
My brain protected me from the trauma of much of this growing up by forgetting. After all, I had my own childhood and adolescent dramas to deal with; including being bullied, battling raging eczema and nosebleeds along with severe anxiety and emotional eating. It is only in looking back that I am able to see what was going on with clarity and the links between these situations.
Either by accident or by design, I received the message that my father’s comings and goings were not something to discuss — with anyone. After all he was a pillar of the community and an important person. He was there at every special event and if I ever needed anything I only had to ask. For better or worse, I had the best father I knew of.
Nonetheless, I remember bringing my mom a permission slip so that I could talk to the school therapist and she refused to sign it. “Just talk to me,” she said, but I never felt like I could. This created an intimacy gap in my friendships in addition to severe abandonment and trust issues. It also allowed me to be able to compartmentalize my childhood as, my dad was an incredible father but a terrible husband.
As a passionate living coach I now realize that children learn what they live and how we do anything is how we do everything.
It was only ten years ago that we, the three different sects of my father’s American children, found out about each other. There are seven of us siblings living in close enough proximity in New York City, yet we never knew for the most part that all of us existed. Ten years may be long for a romantic relationship or friendship, but it’s not a long time to know a sibling. When siblings are raised together you know that you can fight, make up and move forward. When you’re raised in different households you also may have been taught to handle conflict differently.
The biggest open secret is that my unblended family with pockets of “outside children” and different “baby’s mothers” is not as unique as I once thought we were.
Jamilah Creekmur, author of “Raised by the Mistress” suggests that I write a memoir called “Raised by the Wife.” Perhaps one day I will. For now, I am grateful that my siblings have all made a concerted effort as adults to build close, loving relationships as a family.
My parents are still married and I am learning a great deal from them about how relationships mutate and evolve. Ten years ago when my brother, sister and I confronted my dad about the lie of our Cosby-happy childhood he explained that my mother is his “rock” and “foundation.” He said that he would never survive without her and that these women (and others) were angry that he would never walk away from her – and us. From his perspective, these situations took place when they were “on a break” although the break seemingly always took place after the fact.
I often remark that my mother is stronger than I would ever be as she has more than come to terms with our extended siblings. We have vacationed together a few times all together as an adult family. My mother also has my “half siblings” earmarked on her social media pages as her children. Regretful that she never told us about them growing up she preaches often that no child is responsible for the circumstances of their birth and loves them dearly.
I am grateful that I have parents who are willing to be accountable to their adult children and own up to past grievances.
Healing the Misunderstanding.
Regarding the shower snafu, it was almost two months after the wedding that I called a sister’s council for us to discuss what had transpired. Yes, even coaches have challenges with family wounds. It turns out that my half-sister (I only use that term for clarity here) was somehow believing that we were trying to exclude her and the other siblings. We had all retreated to our angry, hurt corners, upset about the perceived betrayals. We were all experiencing exactly the same feelings!
My siblings were all feeling like they were not “immediate family” and therefore did not really count. Meanwhile, I was feeling like my brother preferred his newer, cooler siblings so we were out. If any one of us had picked up a phone to say, “What is happening?” the incident could have been resolved in five minutes. Instead we had all been living under the myth and veil of betrayal, smiling in each other’s faces through the sadness, for about five months. The thought of it now breaks my heart all over again.
How often do we harbor anger at loved ones that could be solved with a simple conversation? If your family is anything like mine, you grew up with terrible communication practices. As children we were never in on any real conversation, leaving us to piece together what was happening in our lives like detectives. Family members talk about slights to each other, rarely confronting the person for any sort of meaningful dialogue. People stop speaking rather than address primal emotional wounds.
At the heart of our beef and many family dramas was, “I am afraid that I am not being loved. I am being disrespected because you don’t care about me. I am unlovable to you.” People stop speaking for generations over this sort of issue.
Our mandate, as women and particularly as mothers, is to do better than generations before us. I sympathize greatly with my mother’s challenges. I can’t imagine trying to cope with your own hurt and betrayal and at the same time trying to figure out what’s best for your kids. The situation was not fair to her and it certainly wasn’t fair to us. What mother wants to willingly sit across a Thanksgiving table with their small children and build a bridge with their husband’s other women? However, if the situation dictates that, we must for the sake of our kids.
Open relationship advocates say that they can easily solve these problems, but it’s only an open relationship if all parties involved agree to it.
Unfortunately while we all swirled around in this soup of hurt and betrayal, my dad like most men, remained oblivious. These situations get written off as women’s drama when the men that catalyzed it stand on the perimeter. I was blessed to be raised with the knowledge that my father loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. It makes a difference with how I move in the world and who I allow into my life. However, when a daughter sees that her mother is “not enough” she gets the message that she is “not enough” as well.
Coaching the women I am honored to work with and listening to the stories of my friends, I find that our dirty little secret is everyone else’s too. I once had a dinner party and of the twenty guests there, every single one had a multi-family dynamic with “half” siblings and “outside children.” All of African decent, they had different versions of unblended families. It wasn’t the easy blending of “The Brady Bunch!” After all, on “The Brady Bunch” no one had betrayed anyone. The ex spouses were vaguely widowed or divorced. It was never really clear but the exes didn’t seem to exist in the new family paradigm.
Blame, Shame and Guilt?
Casting blame, pointing fingers and trying to recount facts thirty years later helps no one. After all, there are always multiple points of view, including his, hers and the truth. We don’t talk about and heal the multi-family dynamic because there is usually some sort of scandal, lie or secretive behavior involved. When it’s just adults involved, consenting adults can make their foolish choices and move on. When children are involved, however, the situation requires more care and attention.
Regardless of the circumstances of your birth, you matter. There is no such thing as a “bastard.” You are worthy and worth loving. A parent has no half children. The fact that you are here on this planet means that you are a loving expression of the Creator. There is nothing shameful about your existence. The missteps of our parents are not our own. There may be broken families but there are no broken children. It is important for us to know this and teach our children the same. This is particularly important because we often recreate the family patterns we grew up in. Again, children learn what they live.
How can we find healing around this issue, not only for ourselves, but for the next generation? If you were not parented in a healthy fashion, it’s time to re-parent yourself. Look toward forgiveness of yourself, your parents, and anyone else involved.
I honor my parents and the mothers of my siblings for making the best choices they knew how to make at the time. I also honor all of my siblings whom I love with my whole heart. It’s now up to me as an adult to make the best choices I can. This is not easy. I stumble, fall and yes, feel blame, shame and guilt.
Evolution is a process, not an event. What a blessing!
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
After nearly ten years of marriage, R&B crooner Anthony Hamilton and his wife, Tarshá Hamilton, have decided to end their marriage.
Tarshá’s publicist confirmed to Madame Noire Tuesday that the couple will continue to work together professionally on various music projects, but have opted to end their romantic relationship. And thankfully, the split appears to be an amicable one. Among the musical projects that the former couple intends to collaborate on is Tarshà’s debut album, Sounds Like Tarshá, which will be released on Pennie Bank Productions.
“Tarshá and Anthony’s greatest priorities are loving and raising their three children and are committed to co-parenting together,” a reprentative for Tarshá said in a statement.
In addition to pursuing musical aspirations, Tarshá will continue her works as an HIV/AIDS healthcare advocate.
Tarshá and Anthony met over twelve years ago when she auditioned to sing background for the platinum-selling recording artist. He proposed two years later. They share three sons. Anthony has three more sons from a previous relationship.
We’re definitely wishing Anthony and Tarshá the best in this new chapter of their lives.
Celebrity breakup announcements make it sound like everything is OK — until you hear the story behind them.
“You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind — or even a storm cloud on the horizon.” ~Bob Marley
Love Lesson: Love Junkie Rehab! Kicking Your Ad-dic*%-tion.
“I don’t know why I can’t leave him. I know that I don’t love him and I want to leave but it’s just so damned good!”
My good friend Melanie was talking about her live-in boyfriend of three years. He was a demanding jerk who didn’t believe in her career. He was always too cheap or too broke to ever go anywhere, ever. The relationship was not moving toward the marriage that Mel wanted. This man never acknowledged her feelings or needs and she was totally over it.
So why was my educated, successful friend staying? Melanie insisted again that she really didn’t know why she was staying but I did. She was staying because like she said, he was her “BSE.” Best Sex Ever. “What should I do?” she asked, brushing back her fluffy curls. She was laughing and almost crying at the same time.
“Are you ready for my self-love coach diagnosis?” I asked. She nodded. “Mel, you are totally and completely a-dic*%-ted. We have been having this conversation for over a year now. You’re not quitting your addiction cold turkey so you need a step-down program.”
“You’re so right! I need a BSE Rehab,” she said. At this point we were both cracking up so hard that other folks in our favorite cheap dive restaurant near Penn Station were turning around. “Melanie, you know that anti-smoking patch? That’s what you need! A step down program and a Kasseim addiction patch.”
We were laughing but I know exactly where she was coming from. A-dic*%#-tion sounds funny but it’s not a barrel of blueberries when you’re in it. Just ask Melanie or the many other women who write to me about the exact same issue.
It sounds simple, right? If Melanie was being mistreated by this loser of a boyfriend, why not just walk out the door? It turns out that expecting Melanie to just leave is much like asking a heroin addict to just put down the needle. In some ways it can be more challenging because all of society agrees that no one should be on heroin. We live in a world that loves love. Everywhere you look romance is being pushed. Single women, especially black women, are told to settle or die alone.
What is love addiction?
Love addiction may not sound as destructive as being hooked on cocaine, meth, cigarettes, food or even sex but it can be. Love addiction stops your personal progress and can wreck lives all the same. If you’re in this situation, find a coach or therapist who specializes in co-dependency and get help. My friend and I were laughing because she takes her situation lightly but for many women this is no laughing matter. I recently advised a sex addict on my Essence Love Intervention column. Please find phone numbers to help at the end of this column if you are in dire need of help.
A true love addict can fall for anyone quickly and lust for the next feeding of their drug of choice. For others of us, we get addicted to specific people. You may have all “normal” relationships and then happen on someone who taps into your mind, body and psyche in the perfect way to make you “a-dic*-ted.” The problem is not finding someone amazing and being all in. That’s fantastically wonderful. The issue is when the person or the relationship is not what you want. In these situations you want to leave and you can’t. When every phone call or booty call is your fix for the last time, you swear and it’s not, there is a problem. The challenge is when you literally crave that person, not any person, but you are jonesing for just that person. And like any drug it’s “just so good” when you “cop” his “junk.”
What is “New Relationship Energy?”
There are very real physiological reasons that Melanie had issues walking away from her boyfriend. Our bodies are co-conspirators in lust, making us hooked to our intimacy partners. Our sexual hormones, testosterone and estrogen, drive the first stages of love.
My favorite love scientist Helen Fisher has broken love down into three stages: lust, attraction and attachment. Our body chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin feed those in new stages of love with thoughts and hopes of the object of our affection. Our brain is rewarding our early stages of lust addiction, helping us to get hooked. Fisher says that “exactly the same system becomes active as when you take cocaine.”
So quitting someone you’re addicted to is like trying to get off drugs. When it feels to you like it physically hurts to separate yourself, it really does hurt. You’re not just imagining it
What does the love interest represent?
For those with come and go lovers, a part of the thrill can be the very rejection you despise. Every time you hook up and he doesn’t call you may want another chance to prove to him that you are worthy. His general unavailability, which would turn you away in a saner state of mind, keeps me hooked.
[Read: When You Just Can’t Walk Away]
Alternative lifestyle coach Zhahai Spring Stewart coined the term “New Relationship Energy” back in the 1980s. Stewart is an expert in polyamory along with his wife, relationship coach Elaine Cook. New Relationship Energy is that rush that we all feel when a new relationship begins. Forget oysters and chocolates. They say that New Relationship Energy is the “ultimate aphrodisiac.” The sexual and emotional rocket fuel from a new lover may last a few weeks or a few years but it always eventually wears off.
What are your triggers?
Like any addiction your triggers are probably whenever you’re feeling any extreme emotion: mad, glad, bad or sad. These are times to be on high alert. I’d also be hyper aware of when you’re ovulating. Hormones and horniness may make you more susceptible than usual. If you usually watch Sunday night TV together then that can be a trigger for that person who makes you feel high.