Dear Single Sistas,

I am writing this letter to all of my Single Sistas who rung in the New Year as a single mother, divorcee, widow, or a simply fabulous unattached single woman. I am writing this letter to continue to encourage you on this journey of greatness we call the single life. This letter is not the “new year, new you” speech that we often hear at the beginning of a New Year that’s supposed to motivate us to change things in our lives, but this letter is designed to encourage you to embrace or continue embracing the single life, and not to spend a majority of this year seeking a man and relationship. I encourage you to continue to embrace being single because it is a fabulous journey and way of life that we often take for granted. How do we often take this time for granted? By spending a majority of the time looking for a man and a relationship of course. What we as single women often fail to realize is that our time as single women is not purposed for us to spend most of it looking for a relationship. It has a distinct purpose for our lives and the lives of those who surround us.

This time spent being single is one of the most valuable times in our adult lives. Why? Because this is the time where we can get to know who we are, and who we were created to be. This is the time where we build and establish our self-worth and discover what makes us happy without compromise. Now don’t get me wrong, being involved in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing that everyone should experience, but relationships don’t necessarily make you happy. True happiness comes from within from an individual knowing their self-worth, and what better time in life is there to spend with yourself other than your time of singleness?

Single Sistas, I encourage you to spend this year in focus of a fabulous season of singleness, and not allow your focus to be solely on having a relationship. I know this is not an easy thing to do, especially after some friends and family members got engaged or married over the past holiday season…and of course with the most romantic day of the year right around the corner. I know it’s not easy seeing couples together on date night, and you are out with your girls on yet another girl’s night, and I know how deep the desire for a relationship can go. I know it’s hard, but I encourage you to look into this time of your life and embrace the beauty that it is because being single is something that should be celebrated, not overlooked and upset over.

Just think about it, when you’re married, you’ll have the rest of your life to be focused on someone else, until death do you part (hopefully), so take this time in your life to live it up and learn about yourself, because once you’re in a relationship things will change…hopefully in a positive way though. As I close this letter I say to all of my Single Sistas, spend this time in your life focusing on your purpose, and wait patiently for the mate that is on his way. How patient should you be and how long should you wait? Until the one you deserve finds you in his season of singleness. Remember ladies, it’s not your job to seek, but it is your job to be sought after, and how do you position yourself to be found? Get busy focusing, moving and living in your purpose as a single woman. Wait on the relationship you deserve, and embrace this wonderful journey. You are worth the wait, and so is the man waiting for you. Celebrate this New Year by celebrating you and all that you are!

Sincerely Your Single Sista,

Liz

Source: MN

I made many mistakes during my dating years: pining after emotionally unavailable men, hanging around men I didn’t like just because they liked me, ruling out potential dates for superficial reasons, the list goes on.

But now, several months on the other side of married life, I believe there is one great decision I made while dating – deciding not to live with my husband before we got married.

Though at times it seemed financially impractical, living together was never a consideration for us. We agreed that we wanted to date while we were dating and be married when we got married.

This put us in a different mindset from many cohabitating couples we know who have been dating for years. Of course, there is no universal timetable for relationships because every couple moves at its own pace. In addition, some couples don’t want to ever get married. Just as men aren’t interested in buying a cow when they’re getting the milk for free, women have decided they don’t want to marry a pig when all they want is the sausage. However, I’ve observed women who want to marry their boyfriends yesterday, but have settled for playing house while waiting not-so-patiently for him to pop the question.

As a result, I advise any woman who is interested in getting married in a timely fashion to think twice before cohabitating.

I’m not saying there aren’t people who move in together, get engaged soon after, get married and live happily ever after, but it seems a mutually good experience is not the common outcome for cohabitating couples.

There are countless examples of cohabitation gone bad, yet every woman seems to think she will be different only to end up nodding her head just the same in recognition of Gabrielle Union’s character in the popular movie, Think Like A Man. Homegirl was living with her boyfriend for nine years without any semblance of commitment. That would have been funny, if not so sadly common.

The New York Times recently reported: chances are pretty good that a woman desiring to get married will find moving in together just postpones marriage indefinitely, results in a less satisfied marriage and/or increases the likelihood of divorce. The Times found that cohabitating couples are more likely to have kids than get married.

So, why do people continue to support this failed relationship model?

The most ridiculous of arguments is that people are using “cohabitation as a way to ‘test drive’ a marriage.” For one, a marriage is not a car. And even if it were a car, the “test drive” would be dating not cohabitating. No car company would allow you to take their car home, drive it all over town for years, eating and spilling in it, getting into fender benders, and generally treating the car like it is yours to keep.  That is what kind of “test drive” you’re engaging in when you compare it to cohabitating.

Further, there is no way to test a marriage without actually being married.

Sure, it’s important to get to know the person you want to marry, but you can know enough about someone you’re dating without living with him. For instance, if he insists on moving in with you right away, you know he lacks patience. (Just kidding…sort of.) Thinking of my own marriage, there are things that make my husband and I different that we didn’t know until we got married, but those things aren’t dealbreakers and would not have been worth finding out beforehand.

The progression in our relationship and the clear distinction of our married life from our dating life is much more exciting and valuable than knowing beforehand if we fold towels the same.

Besides, when does a “test drive” morph into a “committed drive”? If you’re still claiming to be test-driving your marriage years after moving in together then you’re kidding yourself. Someone in that relationship is being led like a clueless horse with a carrot dangling in front of it, biding their time until they realize it’s being wasted.

If you want to be married, then you deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you. Why settle for someone who wants to drag you through a grueling, multi-year audition only to possibly decide that you’re not right for the part? You deserve someone who isn’t wanting to play pretend by living together because he would much rather have you for real in a marriage.

Alissa is a writer living in Columbus, OH. Follow her on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog: This Cannot Be My Life

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