Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Gawker is known for all things hilarious, weird and absurd, and one of their posts today shared a real-life situation that shed some light on the cruel yet amusing world of dating in the city.

The satirical site posted text messages between Candice, a 31-year-old woman, and a lawyer she met at a bar. After going out on a date to watch The Avengers, Candice expressed to him that she wasn’t interested in getting to know him further. He obviously took it hard. He sent a follow up text to his buddy explaining what happened the previous night. Peep the exchanges below:

We have to laugh at the fact that he questioned her taste in men just because he didn’t deem her to be a supermodel. We also have to laugh at the long text he sent to his friend. Do guys send each other long text messages like this nowadays? Oh yeah, I forgot, it’s the era of the bromance.

In any case, here’s a question I want to pose to you Noirettes. If you were Candice, what would you say in your response to his last text?

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Men don’t do so well with subtleties. They work better on cold hard facts, viewing these as the best tools to make decisions, so they often miss subtle cues, clues and signs about what women want or feel at any given time.

You put it down, but he doesn’t pick it. Not because he’s being difficult, but because you’re not being straightforward enough for a man’s rather obtuse communication skills. At times, this may make him seem distant or disinterested, when really he has no clue what you’re getting at.

Here’s a run down at the types of subtleties and messages men often miss:

Source: singleblackmale.org

The “I need affection” signs

Women are always asking their men for emotional presence, something viewed entirely different from physical presence in her eyes. But a man’s typical response to this is “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care,” so he’s not even tuned in to subtle cues you try to send that are supposed to say that you need more affection.

Why do some men expect monogamy from women, but fail to reciprocate? Why do some women allow men to have a relationship with them, but have relations, or even another relationship, with other women…while they are dating them? Are the expectations of men that low, or have women not set expectations and standards for themselves?

There are a number of categories in dating people use to define their relationship status; however the two primary categories in dating; ‘dating’ and ‘a dating relationship’ are the categories people often confuse which brings about the dating double standard.  ‘Dating’ is often thought of as a form of courtship involving people with the purpose of assessing one’s character on a  general level for the possibility of engaging in a meaningful, long term relationship, friendship or distant association.

A ‘dating relationship’ is thought of as a form of courtship involving two people exclusively for the purpose of assessing one’s character for companionship, with the possibility of marriage. Men are often accused of indulging in the dating double standard because they date more than one woman at a time, but expect the women they have the most interest in to remain monogamous with them. A few reasons some men expect monogamy from women, but don’t reciprocate are: some men are selfish, women allow it, some men aren’t being held accountable, a man doesn’t want to share the good woman, and some men are ego-centered. And sadly enough, some women indulge in this double standard.

Why do some women indulge in the dating double standard? The answers are simple; fear of being lonely, foolish flattery (he wants me all to himself), fear of losing a ‘good catch’, and the desire to have a title, even if it has no meaning (wifey, main squeeze, ‘the one’, etc.). Both men and women indulge in the dating double standard because they confuse dating and a dating relationship, and this is because they are so eager to have companionship, they don’t set standards for themselves in the categories of dating, nor do they define the terms of both dating and a dating relationship. When two people decide they want to get to know each other better, they designate time, and plan to go on a date. If they decide they want to keep spending time with each other, they continue to communicate as they see fit, and here’s where the confusion begins.

When most people have spent time with someone they are attracted to and enjoy being around, their emotions get involved, and they have the tendency to make a dating situation more than what it is without consulting the other person. When two people are dating, it does not mean they are bound to the one person they spend the most time with unless they have discussed, and mutually agreed to move beyond the dating category/stage and enter into a dating relationship. Most people skip the ‘deciding discussion’ phase because they get caught up with the dating activities (going out, sex, affectionate text messages, etc.) and they presume they should be involved in a monogamous dating relationship because they are doing things that couples do. Then when they find out the other person is dating other people while dating them, it brings about unnecessary drama.

Let’s face it. It has to be pretty tough being a guy when it comes to approaching a woman. I barely like calling a guy for the first time, even if he’s initially shown interest in me, so imagine approaching someone not knowing anything about them. This is the dilemma a man is faced with when he musters up enough courage to approach a woman in hopes of walking away with her number.

He has to consider, is she married or single? Does she even like men? Is she going to be rude and standoffish? I’m sure these are only some of the thoughts that run through a man’s mind before he goes in for the digits. So while I attempt to cut guys that approach me some slack and remain cordial despite a possible lack of interest, the fact still remains that most of them won’t get anything but a simple wave before I proceed to keep it moving.

So while I don’t always know the circumstances in which I will exchange numbers with a guy who approaches me, I do know the instances when I won’t. There are often times when I can simply say, ‘I’m not interested’ or ‘I have a man’ and the guy will immediately back off; then there are other times when I may shamefully give fake digits to get him to leave me alone.

Check out this list of seven things that a guy can do that result in either no number of fake digits.

trendyblackguy.com

Do you seem to date men who just can’t get their act together? Men who, if you weren’t there packing their lunch and dropping them off, would probably skip work, or night classes or whatever their responsibilities are? It’s no coincidence: these guys look for you. But, what’s more alarming is that you look for them.

Here are a few reasons why that may be…

Read the rest of this entry »

Source: Theybf.com

I think YOLO culture has taken Tyra over ya’ll. I know it’s a little early to freak out this rumor, and some of my aversion has to do with the fact that I would probably sacrifice a future child to not hear Drake whine on another track again, but I am genuinely concerned about reports that these two might be chillin,’ kickin’ it, spending time together, and dare I say it, dating.

A random observer snapped a few pics of the media mogul model and the Canadian rapper spending the day together in the Magical Kingdom of Walt Disney World and they definitely appeared to be on a casual date as they stopped in a churro shop to grab a snack. The sighting doesn’t have to mean anything but it very well could, and so I don’t come off as a total hater, let me start with the potential positives. Both could do worse. In fact, for Drake, dating Tyra is a huge come up from the video chicks he dated and the time he spent chasing around Nicki Minaj and Rihanna hoping they would give his sing-songy behind the time of day. For Tyra, this could be a boost to the ego. At 38, snagging a 25-year-old has her knocking right on that cougar door, but whether that’s good or not depends on if you look at cougardom as a positive or an act of desperation. Number three, no, nevermind, I think that’s about all I have for pluses.

My main concern in this whole situation is Tyra. Number one, she just broke up with well-established investment banker John Utendahl some months ago after a pretty long relationship and then she was rumored to have found her a Bali boo while on her “eat, pray, love” excursion following the breakup. The second tale could easily have just been tabloid talk but going from John to Drake is like night and day. He’s got the money but maturity? Not so much. This is the man who said he just got over sleeping with a different woman every night and we all know he is a serial crusher, which brings me to my next point.

I do not want to see Tyra Banks end up in a lyric. She could quite possibly already be in one because it seems all you have to do is look at Drake the right way and that boy is in love. That type of affection can be tempting but the thing is, it doesn’t really last long for the Young Money label mate living by the motto, you only live once. Someone should put him on the remix to Jay-Z’s “On to the Next One” because that man wastes no time doing just that. He may have literally shed tears over Rihanna back when she dissed him when he first came out, a few weeks later he said he loved Nicki, after that he loved Serena, then there were a couple of miscellaneous video girls he was loving up on until one had a problem with him and his colored contacts (I can’t explain it). All I’m saying is he’s young and living life and probably not about to slow down for a nearly-40 Harvard grad with a hugely successful empire behind her.

Now it’s very possible Tyra  is just living too. She has clearly stated that she doesn’t feel two people in love necessarily have to get married but when she was with John she did mention that they wanted to have kids. I’m not trying to be all in her ovaries or anything but the clock is definitely ticking and I just can’t see her ringing up Drake as her baby daddy.

A zillion more pictures and rumors will probably come out before these two deny this relationship up and down so we’ll just have to listen out for that next Drake track and any reference to a top model, Harvard grad, Cali native, etc. who he fell in love with over night. As long as nobody’s tattooing anything on one another so we know it’s real, I guess I can deal with this union.

What do you think about Drake and Tyra dating? Can you see it?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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While having a recent conversation with a guy friend about relationships, I went on my single girl tirade of how there is a lack of dateable men, at least that are of interest to me. Emphasizing to him that single doesn’t equate to desperate, I proceeded to ‘check’ some of the traits in men that I simply found un-dateable. In the midst of my self- indulging chatter, my friend interrupted me and said “you sure do have a lot of reasons why you wouldn’t date a man, but what are the reasons he shouldn’t date you. Would you date yourself?’

Immediately I responded that I would, not fully understanding his question. He proceeded to say, that women, especially the educated and independent ones, have a plethora of reasons why they wouldn’t date some men, often failing to realize many of their own shortcomings.

“Yall look good on paper,” he said, referring to the degrees and the physical attributes; “But what about all the other stuff?”

Other stuff? Still not completely understanding what he meant, I guess my expression said it all. He then proceeded to say, “Y’all need to check yourself before you try to check a man.”

Umm…excuse me. Everyone knows that women, especially black women, usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to relationships, right? So what was he referring to? I then began to think of those little nuisances about myself that even I sometimes couldn’t stand. While I’ve certainly gotten better, and can now say that if the roles were reversed I would definitely date myself, it hasn’t always been that way.  And honestly it only changed when I decided that I needed to be the type of woman that I would want to date, when it came to relationships with the opposite sex.

Surprisingly when I was at my worst (as it relates to relationships), was also when I had the highest expectations in a man. I was a whiner, but I detested a man who complained. I wanted a man who was considerate, but I was suffering from the ‘princess syndrome’ and wasn’t open to a lot of compromise. I wanted a man to compliment me, but I rarely showed affection. Basically I wanted all of the traits in a man that I didn’t display myself. At the time I considered myself  educated, self-sufficient, and was steadily working on myself  physically, mentally and spiritually. I possibly  ‘looked good on paper’ to some men, but I probably wouldn’t have dated myself when it came to many of the emotional issues I was subtly dealing with.

If physical attributes and degrees made the woman, then there would be plenty of women who were considered good catches; but while these qualities are highly admirable in our superficial society, they won’t keep a relationship healthy if they are accompanied by  nagging, an unwillingness to compromise, overly-independent traits, and a surplus of  insecurities.

Self-evaluation, in any capacity, is instrumental to growth; and the same is true in relationships. So before you run down your list of ‘don’t date him girl’ rules, consider your own attitude, outside of the superficial, and ask yourself the magic question: if the roles were reversed, “would you date yourself?”

More on Madame Noire!

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The truth is people lie. While most of us tell little white lies, there are people in this world who specialize in lying about any and everything. Really, some of them are more than liars, they’re con-artists. We took to our Facebook and Twitter pages to find out some of the lies our followers have heard during their dating journeys. Turns out some of these men they dated, were hiding some pretty big, unacceptable secrets. Check it out. 

Anonymous: The man I was dating for 4 years, got his ex-girlfriend pregnant flew down to Vegas and married her at the Bellagio and I found out almost a year later from a private investigator.

Sharon: Not sure yet???But I got that gut feelin’

By Jazmine Rogers

Dear Husband of My Future,

Although I have yet to lay eyes on you, I have faith that you are worth the wait. Contrary to what I used to believe, you will not complete me, but you will compliment the whole person that I already I am. With that said, I have been and will continue to take advantage of my time of singleness because I realize that singleness is not the plague, but a time for me to work on myself and evolve into the woman that I was destined to be. This is why I will not waste this great season of my life sulking and complaining about not having a man. I was taught that patience is a virtue and great things come to those who wait. So instead of doing all that, I am using this time to attain multiple degrees, pursue the career of my dreams, travel the world, learn more about myself as a person and even learn what it means to be a wife as opposed to a girlfriend.

It is in this time of singleness, I have chosen to refrain from certain activities in which most single young adults in my age group engage in, such as sex. On August 8, 2010, which was my 20th birthday, I made a public vow in front of my entire congregation that I would refrain from sexual activity until the day that you and I exchange our vows in front of our loving family and friends, sealing our promises with an “I do.” Most would see this decision as absurd and unrealistic, but I believe that with God all things are possible. I wish to fully commit myself to you as well as our marriage well before we even cross paths. Although I am in no way perfect, experiencing things the way that God truly intended for them to be done is extremely important to me. I realize that sex is not merely for pleasure but it is a responsibility and a bond that should be shared between a husband and wife. I have also been a witness of the detriment that sex before marriage can bring and I wish to give our marriage a fair chance. Sexual intercourse can spiritually and emotionally tie you to a person and I wish to walk with as little baggage as humanly possible in your direction. No disrespect to anyone else and their choices.

With baggage in mind I have also made the conscious decision to refrain from recreational dating because along with physical purity, I wish to enter our covenant of marriage emotionally and mentally pure as well. I will not date guy after guy just because, acquiring broken heart after broken heart just to appease my boredom or to satisfy my temporary loneliness. I don’t wish to come to you with a shattered heart covered in scars and bruises seeking for you to put the pieces back together. I refuse to enter our relationship not trusting you because of something some other guy did or did not do in the past that I could’ve completely avoided had I just waited for you. I will not jump at the first guy who smiles at me. I have been a witness to church hook-ups gone wrong that have even evolved into church marriages gone wrong and have made the decision not to partake in all that. I’ve been the church girl devastated to find out that the church boy she had been dating had been dating every church girl in and within a 25-block radius of said church. That is why I will stay single instead of calling Tyrone as one Madame Noire writer stated. Engaging in frivolous relationships to merely cure singleness as if it some devastating disease is pointless and not worth the trouble that it brings. I will guard my heart as Proverbs 4:23 instructs me to and I will follow the instructions of Song of Solomon by “not awakening love until its time” and setting my affections on no one other than you. Whoever you are.

I’ve been called a dreamer for believing that a man like you exists. I’ve been called unrealistic and impossible. I’ve even been told that I believe that I am living out a Tyler Perry movie, but despite the naysayers, something deep down in the pit of my stomach tells me otherwise. I don’t believe that I am unrealistic for not settling for any old Johnny or Tyrone for that matter. I don’t believe you to be perfect, no one walking this earth is; however, I do believe that we will perfectly balance out one another. Call it picky, but I only wish to be with the one that God designed specifically for me instead of the man who alters himself to fit the mold of what he believes that I want. We may not cross paths for another five years, five months or five weeks, but once again, I have been convinced that patience is a virtue and I am willing to wait.

See you soon,

Jazmine

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Source: S2S Magazine

Your friends have been telling you that you’re bougie (derived from bourgeois), but you deny it. You simply have distinctive tastes and enjoy nice things, and there’s nothing wrong with that. That doesn’t make you bougie, does it? When you think bougie, you think of Toni Childs on Girlfriends or Hilary Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But it’s more to it than these TV characters who were poster children for sadity-ness. Don’t think you’re bourgie? Well, check out these 7 signs to see if you actually are.