All Articles Tagged "dating"
When I was in college, there was this guy who projected an image of perfection and enjoyed a great deal of popularity. And since he was so well-known and well-liked on campus, folks paid attention to the people with whom he chose to associate himself, particularly romantic interests.
I went to the PWI (Predominately White institution) so when it came to the small Black community on campus, everyone knew quite a bit of everyone else’s business. So, when this dude, Mr. Perfect started “talking to,” a girl on campus, people were not only curious about his newfound interest, they told him, directly to his face, what they thought about his selection.
Basically, they didn’t think she was good enough for him. They would have expected him to be with someone else, someone who matched his level of attractiveness, someone…else.
And instead of waving his popularity wand and standing up for the girl he clearly liked, he cowered and stopped speaking to her, not wanting his image to take a hit.
I thought about that story today when a friend posed this interesting question.
To paraphrase, it was something like: Do you care whether or not people find your partner attractive? And furthermore, if you could choose the number of women, men or both who actually noticed your partner throughout the course of the year what would it be?
I thought the question was odd. Honestly, if I found someone to be attractive, it really didn’t matter what other people thought. I’ve never been known to mess with dudes who look like dog meat anyway. But I was going to play the game. So I gave an arbitrary number, anywhere from 30-50 people a year would be cool. Enough to let him know he looks good but not enough to make him vain or arrogant.
But then, the more I thought about it, I realized that the opinions of my family do matter to me. If my mom, sister and best friend all agreed that a dude wasn’t attractive, I just might start to look at him differently. And not so much because I would lose the attraction that I originally felt; but because, selfishly and shallowly, I want the people that I love the most to think any future children I might have are cute.
Truth is, we do try to gauge what our friends and family think about the men and women we choose to date. We show them that first cell phone picture of the person or make that first introduction and nervously await their approval.
Still, as I’ve written about before, women have a tendency to overlook certain physical attributes if a man’s personality overrides it.
But the question was one I wanted to pose to you all. Do the opinions of your family and friends matter when you’re choosing someone to date? Does it matter if they share those less-than-approving opinions before you’re in too deep? Do tell.
Dating, in general, can be an enigma at times. There’s always some rule you’ll forget that will more than likely change. One common practice among singles is to casually date. The choice will be up to you whether you do or don’t, but here are several reasons why you might say “Thanks, but no thanks.”
Yes, it’s the interracial dating debate again. But instead of making assumptions that all men from the continent either have dated, are dating, or want to date a fair-skinned or non-Black woman, we decided to ask actual Black men if this whole light is white mentality when it comes to dating is as real as society makes it. Their answers just might shock you. Check out what the fellas had to say about the pervasive ideal that the higher a man climbs in society, the lighter his woman gets in the video above and weigh in with your own thoughts in the comments section.
Check out all episodes from Season 2 of Ask A Black Man here.
The last thing anyone wants is to meet someone, fall in love and discover that this individual is legally attached to another person. While dating a married man or woman may be cool for some people, it’s a relationship going nowhere. Hopefully, you and your partner are honest with each other. But in case you are not, here are some signs you’re dating a married man. Granted it’s not always foolproof, but a heads up can help.
I am 25 years old and I need help. My boyfriend is dead completely. In an emotional sense. He tells me he loves me, after I tell him I love him… When I ask him why isn’t he affectionate towards me, he gets mad, defensive or thinks I dont see his efforts. I do. I only say something when he reverts back to no emotional sense… I do not know what to do.
He says I know he loves me… why do his actions have to be based on it… he doesn’t get it…
I love him but I refuse to settle…
Dear Ms. Warm-hearted,
So, I had a great response planned out to this question. I was going to mention how different people have different love languages. Some need physical affection, some need to hear “I love you,” some need their loved one to do things for them, and some people need it all. I was going to cite the famous book that came from, and I even planned on sharing a few things I heard when my wife and I took pre-marriage counseling.
But then I read your email again. And came to the conclusion that I’m 99.9999% sure you two just aren’t a good match for each other, and that it’s best that you leave this relationship while you’re still (very) young. Because while he might not be giving you the type of love you need in a relationship, I’m sure there are others out there who will.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
Even as a young girl, I was fascinated to see my mother fix my father’s plate. They were both clearly able-bodied people so I couldn’t understand why she was the one making his plate. While he was more than capable. After years of watching this, finally I decided to ask her what this was all about.
“Why do you fix Daddy’s plate when he could get it himself?”
My mother, having endured years of my persistent questions and slick mouth, responded with a twinge of an attitude.
“I don’t have to fix your father’s plate. And I don’t always do it. But it’s just a nice gesture. And I don’t mind.”
Well, that made sense. If she liked it, I loved it. And she was right she didn’t always do it and my father wouldn’t sit and starve waiting for my mother. Quiet as it’s kept, he could cook pretty well himself. He bakes exceptionally well.
I learned long ago, from watching my parents and my mother’s response, that a woman should do only what she feels comfortable doing for her man. And what works for some women doesn’t work for all. (Though I later learned that I too am not opposed to fixing a man’s plate.)
I’d reconciled this in my own mind and life but apparently, the topic came up again, when this picture went viral on Twitter.
— Miss Green Eyes (@Ayee_Stephh_) May 19, 2015
There are two points of discussion here. Whether or not this woman should fix her man’s plate and the other woman who jumped up to do it while his significant other was there.
If you ask me, the other woman is completely out of line for offering to fix a plate for another woman’s man. If she’s offering to do something like this, she knows that this gesture is intimate and typically reserved for couples. Homegirl is looking for trouble. And honestly, if I were the type of woman who didn’t fix plates, I would expect my man to tell her he can fix his own plate or leave the one she prepared for the birds and small insects to devour. He shouldn’t eat from that plate like Adam and Eve shouldn’t have eaten from the Tree of Knowledge.
You’ll also notice in the original tweet, the man tells his girlfriend that he’s hungry. Which is one of the last things I want to hear from a man when there is food around and readily available. The fixing of the plate, as I’ve observed, is something I’ve seen offered, never expected or demanded. Because able bodies. Expecting me to fix your plate will have you severely disappointed. Let that gesture come from the goodness of my heart not the misogynistic nature of your expectations.
But that’s just me. Check out what some Twitter users had to say about it on the following pages and answer our poll below.
It’s not uncommon these days for couples to want to test the waters before entering a big commitment like marriage. Should this sound like something you’re interested in, please weigh your options before making that leap. Here are some questions to ask yourself before you move in with your love.
This series happens once a week. In order to understand what’s going on in the series, be sure to read the column, in order.
Christopher had something simple down pat. It was something this generation’s woman sees rarely, something that we yearn for in quiet, something we sometimes pretend we’re strong enough to do without.
It’s what kept me interested. It’s what made me answer the phone, even if I was infuriated with outside factors that were motivated by our union.
He called the moment I got back to my hotel.
“That was pretty crazy, huh?”
I tried to be optimistic, “Your parents seemed really concerned for your well being. I mean, I might be a serial killer.”
He sensed my sarcasm, “Hardy har har. Things are tough for me. I’m bound by this whole trust fund thing.”
“I get it, but I don’t. You’re a grown man, you should be able to move like one.”
“You don’t have to get it. You don’t have almost a million dollars in jeopardy.”
He sounded annoyed. I was too, “Like I said, I get it. I’m just concerned about how you’ll move when you actually get that independence. What do you actually do on your own?”
The other line grew silent. I was genuinely concerned about him: his mother did his laundry and cleaned his room, they rarely went out without one another, and they even managed his finances. I wondered what type of provider Christopher would be if he didn’t learn these things, on his own.
He changed the subject, “Despite my dad’s appearance, I thought tonight was pretty cool. Did you enjoy the vineyard?”
I did enjoy that portion, it was the only time we really had alone, “It was great.”
My next statement came out quickly, in a way that I instantly felt guilt about, “Listen, maybe we should spend some time being friends.”
“I knew it. It’s over, right?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Run. That’s what all of you do, any way. No one understands my predicament.”
I frowned, “I tried to, but right now…it’s not going to work for me.”
The other line grew silent and then my phone lit up. He was gone.
I hadn’t heard from Marsha since our last encounter and as our friendship started to fade, my interest in Edwin grew. There was no guilt when we met up.
Edwin tried to be consistent. He truly did. However, he was frequently out of town due to his touring and he’d call at ridiculous hours after shows. I told a friend this and she stated, “He could not call at all.”
I sighed. Sometimes we mistake minuscule, scarce-effort gestures for grandiose ones, because of the excessive absence of opulence. I took her advice, anyway. I ignored my gut.
He did try. When he came home, we spent a day or two together, but it was hard to catch him between those moments, unless it was in a tired short call or text exchange.
I think I spoke too soon. On one of the nights he was on tour, he called. It was early and I was excited to see his name flash across my screen.
He used my name, not a pet name and his tone was dry.
“Hey, is everything okay?”
“Mayyyybe. I’m hearing some things that I’m not happy about.”
“I’m listening,” I truly was and his words were a bit slurred, he was drunk.
“You ever dated a guy named Derek?”
I thought about it for a second, there was a guy by the same name that I went on one date with and never spoke to again.
“Derek Matthews? The writer?”
“Oh. So you do know him…”
“I do. We went on one date and we never spoke again.”
“Why is that?”
“No chemistry. I think we both weren’t feeling it.”
“That’s not what he says. Derek is a good friend of mine.”
My, my, how the tables started to turn.
“What did he tell you?”
“He said he was into you and you ended it. But that’s not even what I care about…did you sleep with him?”
I could not believe I was having this conversation, “No I didn’t.”
“He says you didn’t either, but I don’t believe much folks these days. The way he talked about you, the way he spoke about how wonderful you are, it just doesn’t make sense. How could someone end it with you and you still think the world of them?”
“Because I didn’t end it, we just stopped texting one another. I’m sorry he didn’t see it that way, but that’s the truth.”
“I can’t date you and you dated one of my best friends.”
“It was one date and it was years ago.”
He ignored me, “Imagine how I feel, showing your picture to my homeboy, and he’s all ‘she’s so dope’. He’s not even supposed to know you.”
We’d officially arrived at foolish land.
Edwin was overreacting. I couldn’t believe how loud and ridiculous he was being.
“I believed you when you said you weren’t messing with Marsha. Why should this be any different?”
He sighed, heavily into the phone, “It just is.”
I stood and waited for my co-worker to finish her flirtation with her almost-boyfriend. Trey shuffled things on his desk nervously, while I threw intentional shade with a grin. But she was so giddy to see him, she didn’t realize.
After twenty minutes, she was ready to go. I’d decided that I wasn’t going to tell her anything, we weren’t that close. Also, telling a woman something about someone she’s infatuated with never ever goes well. I’d also decided that I was through with Trey.
We made our way out of the bank, when my co-worker realized she had one more transaction to make. As we turned back, we saw one of Trey’s fellow bankers hugging and kissing him goodnight. My co-worker was furious and stormed her way back to his cubicle, I stayed put.
She yelled, “Who the hell is she?”
The girl looked defensive, “I’m the manager of this branch. & I’m also his girlfriend.”
See you next week!
Rivaflowz is an educator and freelance writer, living in New York. You can read her first dating series “In The Meantime” and her fiction, at Rivaflowz.com and follow her on Twitter/Instagram at @rivaflowz.
The goal of any relationship should be to have one full of love, honesty and growth. Sure it’s not going to be perfect for full of roses all the time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set your eyes on the top prize.
While it’s good to celebrate milestones and achievements you might also want to pay attention to questionable behavior. Sometimes people show us who they truly are in the beginning. It’s up to us to look for warning signs. Here are some ways your partner doesn’t have their life together.
Being in a relationship can have its ups and downs. One minute you feel like everything is perfect and the next, nothing seems to work. Unfortunately, the roller coasters are a part of life.
Just try to keep those rollercoasters to yourself.
Too many couples are spilling a little too much tea regarding their love life. While it might pay the big bucks on reality television, here are a few reasons why you should zip your lip.