All Articles Tagged "dating"
You don’t start fights, you don’t create drama, you don’t take issue with things…per say. But you know some things upset you, even if you’re really laid back, and you probably secretly punish your man these ways sometimes.
Love & Hip Hop Hollywood (LHHH) is one of my guilty pleasures. Every Monday night, I sit on the couch with my girlfriend, my laptop, and 1,000 of my closest twitter friends to discuss all the stupidity happening on the show. While this season hasn’t been any more ridiculous than past seasons, the relationship between Yung Berg and Hazel-E has managed to surpass the “lofty” standards set by seasons prior. The sordid interaction between these two has provided plenty of confusion, and yet, not an ounce of sympathy. Women are often telling men at the outset of a relationship (however you define that is up to you) “don’t lie to me. Tell me exactly what you want so I know where I stand.” In Berg’s case, he’s done exactly that and Hazel still seems confused, which makes their screentime both exhilarating and incredibly painful to watch. Ladies (but most certainly not men) might be surprised to know that what is happening between Hazel-E and Berg isn’t an uncommon occurrence. But before we get into that though, let’s do a quick recap of Berg and Hazel’s relationship.
At the outset of the show, it’s clear the relationship between Hazel E and Yung Berg is a one-sided affair. Hazel often refers to Yung Berg as though he’s her boyfriend while Berg is tepid, at best, about his feelings on committing to Hazel. Hazel constantly begs Berg to reaffirm his feelings for her in hopes that he feels the same way she does, only for Berg’s response to put Hazel into an emotional tailspin. Though there are a litany of situations to choose from regarding these two and their “relationship,” there are two that stand out the most. The first is Berg plainly telling Hazel exactly where he fits in her life and the second is him showing how much respect, or lack thereof, he has for her in public.
The first situation took place while both were in the studio. During the conversation where Hazel is trying to get Berg to commit, he tells her: “You know I got a different girl every day of the week and that’s how I want to live my life. If you can’t live with me, then live without me.” Hazel is heartbroken, unable to understand why the man she’s been sleeping with for almost a decade cares so very little about being in a relationship with her. Another scene finds these two on yet another couch, this time the morning after Berg and Hazel had sex. The viewers find Berg playing on his phone while Hazel walks out to join him. Hazel inquires as to why Berg is on the couch to which he responds, “You know I don’t do that lovey-dovey ‘ish and cuddling and all that.” An argument quickly ensues while discussing Berg’s plans for taking Hazel to an award show. Berg tells Hazel he “doesn’t want to be on front street” and Hazel accepts his explanation. Later, Berg goes to the award show with another woman and is approached by Hazel. Hazel references the conversation about why Berg didn’t want to go with her and Berg responds by kissing his date in front of Hazel. Embarrassed, Hazel throws her drink at the couple and storms off.
What I can’t understand about Hazel is why will she refuses to take “no” for an answer. Berg has disrespected her at almost every turn of this show, at one point describing her as “delusional.” Another argument between the two found them at a crossroads in their relationship where Berg, having had enough of Hazel’s inquiries about the two of them together, says “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You’re talking to me as if you’re my girlfriend or wife or something” with an attitude no self-respecting person would allow someone to speak to them with. As a result of the scene, many seem to believe Hazel is simply an idiot who can’t take a hint, while some ladies also thought Hazel’s behavior was an extreme example that couldn’t possibly happen in real life. If you find yourself in alignment with either of those views I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Situations like Hazel-E are closer to “a dime a dozen” than they are to “one in a million.” I’ve got a lifetime of stories of women I was sexually interested in who wanted far more out of a relationship than I did and simply wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. I can assure you that I’m not the only man with these kinds of stories. While there are plenty of instances in which men lead women to believe one thing and hit them with something completely different, there are plenty of occasions where the truth is told from the outset and some women simply refuse to accept that truth.
Hazel-E and her relationship with Berg isn’t much different from any other woman who finds herself involved with a man who doesn’t want the same thing out of a relationship she does. These types of women have convinced themselves it’s the man making the mistake, not them. They also believe if men could just see how loyal, faithful, freaky, and down for the cause they’ve been, they will wake up one day and realize she’s the one he needs to be with. Hell, to keep it one hundred, I’d bet the money I make from this post there are women reading this who were laughing at Hazel-E and are in (or have been) in a very similar situation with all the knowledge as to why Hazel-E should leave Berg but they can’t leave their own version of Yung Berg in real life. Pot. Kettle. Suffice it to say, sometimes you don’t need to decipher what a man is saying. If his actions and words are in concert, ladies, move accordingly.
Want to know whether it’s worth waiting for him to get it together? If he’s showing you these signs, it’s a clue you’ll be waiting around forever.
He Gets Mad Instead of Getting Better
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. If he gets agro every time you bring an issue up, he’s telling you he’s not equipped to face the facts — or change them.
My relationship with my best friend is a bit unorthodox. After all, she’s a woman and that can tend to make the women I date a bit uncomfortable. It’s something that I’ve had to work through for years and it’s definitely not something I haven’t overcome before. In fact, the women I date soon find out that the overwhelming majority of my friends are females and they have to make peace with that — or not. I don’t know how this happened but I can only guess that being raised by a single mother, a grandmother, and single aunts placed me in several circumstances where I was surrounded by women. My second guess would be that after joining a black Greek lettered organization, my need for making male friends outside of the organization was reduced.
Whatever the case may be as far as the development of my inner circle, women who find themselves in relationships with men who have close female friends — without knowing all the details — get suspicious. I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for all of you but let’s say “women’s intuition” really exists and is a supernatural power that all women possess to be able to sniff out a woman after her man. Let’s say that men are inherently naïve when it comes to their female friends and while they may think the relationship is platonic, the girl friend is secretly waiting for the right time to pounce. Even if that’s all well (or not) and true, it’s important not to worry about something that isn’t happening. I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye, I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened. The only way that situation will play itself out is with the woman looking jealous or insecure: Two traits that are shortly followed by unattractiveness and eventual breakup.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that at a certain point in life and your relationship with your female friends, the relationship reaches a platonic level that cannot be overcome. At that point, it’s really off-putting when you’re accused of wanting to be with them or it’s suggested that they want to be with you. It’s not that I don’t find my female friends to be beautiful or great people, it’s just that I’m not attracted to them. Trust me, I’m typically the last one to know when a mutual male friend of mine is trying to get at them but I always understand why once I find out.
Here’s another reason you probably want to exercise chill when it comes to his female friends; they’re probably closer to him than you are from the onset. Over time you may become closer to him than they are, but that relationship and closeness takes time. If you go into the dating/relationship phase suspicious of the women in his life right away, they’ll have his ear more than you. Also, understand that a man rarely will choose the unknown over the known. Meaning, he has his friends and they’ve likely been there for him for a long time. He’s not going to throw all that away for a relationship with a woman that may not work out in the long run.
Lastly, it’s really on the guy to be concerned about his friendships with women outside of his romantic relationship. Every guy handles it different but it’s his cross to bear. He may see them less, talk to them less or even pull away from them. Or, he may not change a thing at all. It’s important that he dictate that relationship instead of his significant other. For me, it’s important that I maintain my relationship with my best friend but I’m also very quick to inform my significant other of her presence and role in my life. It’s been years that I’ve had this best friend and I go to her for a lot; that’s not going to change overnight. Any woman I date should know this and let it be my concern, not hers.
There seems to be a lot of confusion out there about who is and who isn’t a side chick in Hollywood these days. And it can be tough to get clear on the facts when you’re living in the limelight. But when these things happen in your relationship, they could be signs that you might be a side chick.
You’re Not Sure About the Timeline
Amber Rose says that she and Reggie Bush “were eachother’s rebounds.” But several sources have said that Amber and Reggie’s relationship overlapped with Reggie Bush’s and Kim Kardashian’s. Whether Reggie fudged the details or these two acted too soon, this case of too-close-for-comfort got Amber Rose labeled as The Other Woman.
They’re always nerve-wracking, you’ve been on three of them this month and you still can’t figure out what to wear. It’s hard to tell whether we’re talking about first dates or job interviews isn’t it? That’s because they’re both equally stressful and force us to be on for hours on end, trying to let our best self shine — or at least the best self we think we need to be to get the man/job. Here are 15 times dating is like a job interview.
Image Source: Tumblr.com
You’re Definitely Not Being Yourself
You know your real laugh sounds nothing like that…
From Single Black Male
We have all had to tell someone that we weren’t interested. Whether it be we weren’t interested in being in a relationship or being more than platonic friends. It’s a compromising position. To the majority of us who don’t want to intentionally hurt someone, we spend time trying to find the right words. It’s my thinking that women in particular have an issue with this.
For whatever reason I think that ladies try to save face as much as possible. When a guy shows interest in her and she isn’t interested she begins to show “signs.” Women are always showing signs. Many guys don’t realize this til after the fact. When it’s all said and done a woman might say “I tried to hint to you,” or “I tried to give you the signs.” and I know many guys who would react “why didn’t you just say so?” Which is a pretty valid question.
What I will say is that there are a lot of guys who make it hard for this to be possible. Quite frankly a lot of women think men can’t handle the truth. They feel this way because too many guys flap their gums after being turned down. You can’t win every time, that’s just the game. The most insecure figure that this is their license to come up with a predictable meme that shits on a woman that turned him down. Of course as I was reminded this past weekend, there are males and there are men. And a man “gets it.” In every facet men “get it.” That means that a man gets it if you’re not interested.
Read more about rejection at SingleBlackMale.org
I’ve asked so many friends and friends of friends about this situation. But I think I should get a man’s perspective on this. I met this man about three months ago and we immediately slept together. We both agreed we weren’t looking for relationships at the time. But these days, I find that I get really anxious when I don’t hear from him. I’ve asked my friends, and some married couples about whether or not I should continue “seeing” him. Some of my friends say it’s time for me to stop sleeping with him, so I can clear my head, and ask him about the trajectory of our relationship. I don’t know if I’m really ready to give up the sex. Some married women I’ve been speaking too keep telling me about all these timelines and I’m wondering what I should do. Should I keep seeing him? Am I setting myself up for failure?
– Friend Wanting More Benefits
Dear Friend Wanting More Benefits,
In a perfect world, the friends-with-benefits arrangement — where two adult parties agree to have a consistent relationship that consists of sex and nothing else — would be a perfect solution to both the “inbetween” relationship stage where people between relationships need someone to keep them, um, occupied, and the “I just don’t want to be in something serious right now” stage everyone between 25 and 34 seems to be in right now.
It is not a perfect world, though. Although the friends with benefits arrangement sounds great on paper and works well at the beginning, as 99.99999% of people who’ve entered one will tell you, the longer it lasts, the more awkward they become. As good as the sex can be, someone — and it can be the man or the woman — will eventually catch some sort of feelings, and when someone catches feelings, feelings get hurt.
This seems to be where you are right now. You’re not hurt yet, but if he decided to end things — or if he decided to share how much he likes this new chick he’s dating — you would be. The answer is obvious. Let him know how you feel. If it’s not reciprocated, end the relationship. It might be painful, but pulling off a bandaid hurts much less than putting one on a broken heart.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
I have a problem expressing myself to my fiancé. He told me that if I don’t start expressing myself he will end our relationship. How can I make it easy on myself to do so? I really need help!
Veronica: Oh Lord! What a threat! Honestly, I don’t think he was right to put that type of pressure on you. Particularly when he presumably proposed knowing that you weren’t exactly an open book. Perhaps the threat was an idle one and he’s trying to let you know just how frustrated he is. Still, for someone who doesn’t like to talk, this type of ultimatum certainly won’t give you the comfort you need to bare your soul.
As far as opening up, I’m not a therapist but I think that first you should really try to figure out why you still don’t feel comfortable opening up to your fiancé. Is it something he’s done? Is it something someone from your past did that makes you hesitant to let him in? You need to figure it out. And when you do, you can start by telling him this is why you’re so guarded. And ask him to be patient. And it’s never a bad idea to speak to a therapist. I’m sure they could get to the root of your issues and maybe even provide some type of suggestions on how you might begin to communicate better.
Brande: I can relate to your struggle. I’ve never been great at expressing myself to people I care about (to my detriment), but it’s a necessity for establishing lasting healthy communication in your relationship. Figure out what makes it difficult for you to express yourself, i.e. is it a personal issue like fear of rejection that only you can work through, or do you hold things back because of how your partner has reacted to your expressions in the past?
If the former is the issue, let go of the baggage and recognize when you have a loving, accepting person in front of you who wants to know your thoughts and, just like you, needs to know how you feel about him and your relationship. If the latter is the issue, communicate to your partner that you need him to be more open and understanding when you express your feelings and that his doing so will help you be more comfortable opening up. Also, make sure you nip this issue in the bud before you walk down the aisle. It’s interesting your fiancé would propose while your expressiveness was still a problem in his eyes, but make sure you two don’t just gloss over this issue. It could cause much bigger problems in your marriage if it’s not handled now.
Victoria: This is a tough one because I feel like I need more details. Is his issue that you don’t express what’s bothering you when you’re upset and it causes problems and resentment down the line? Or are you just not good with conversation?
It’s definitely an important thing to be able to communicate whatever feelings or concerns you have because you all will be married. If there’s anybody you need to open up to, it would definitely be him. So you need to figure out what is holding you back. Maybe you could write your feelings out and share them with him that way if you’re really not comfortable sharing them face-to-face. But as an adult, you should try and push past that and trust that whatever you come to your partner with he will understand and work with you on. Otherwise, it might not be the best idea to get married. Certain issues should be worked out before walking down the aisle.
As for his threats, again, I would need more information about how this lack of communication has affected your relationship to be able to say whether or not he’s really trippin’, but if you love him, try to work together to improve your communication skills as a couple. Good luck!
Jazmine: I think it’s probably wise for the both of you to seek counseling immediately, perhaps both separately and as a couple if you can afford it. Your inability to open up is more than likely the symptom of a bigger issue. His threat to end your relationship when you’re clearly struggling with this may point to a deeper issue as well.
Have you always experienced difficulty expressing your feelings? Did something happen in your relationship that has caused you to shut down? It’s really tough to make an accurate assessment of the situation solely based on the information provided, but I truly believe that a therapist would be helpful in the sorting out of your issues. I do realize that not everyone can afford to see a therapist, but maybe a couple’s workshop will be beneficial. Also, local churches often offer premarital counseling for engaged couples.
Lauren: I find it odd your fiancé gave you an ultimatum after proposing to you. However, everyone has a different communication style and before you both say “I do,” it would be best to seek counseling. Counseling will allow you both to express your differences through workshops and foster a safer relationship without misunderstandings or anxiety. If that is not an option, research articles that can teach you how to speak confidently to your fiancé. I also think you should examine why you don’t feel comfortable expressing yourself to your fiancé — that will offer you the most clarity.
Guys put a lot of thought into the restaurant they take you to on a first date (or they don’t, which tells you a lot about them as well.) With their first date choice they’re either trying to tell you who they are, or bring out who you really are. Either way, the first date location is usually a test for you, or a display for you. Here are 15 different types of restaurants a guy could choose to take you to on a first date and what they say about him.