All Articles Tagged "dating"
All women are created equal, but there are some things that single women do better or know more about than their married counterparts. From the happening places to be in town to just being open and available for new experiences, because of less responsibilities and expectations, single women do things differently. So before your situation changes, it pays to enjoy the perks of riding solo.
And if you’ve already tied the knot? It’s good to know when to tap back into the singles circle to take advantage of their expertise on the dating scene. Want some insight into the new dating apps or what women are encountering while testing the waters? Call your single girlfriend for all the tea. These are just a few things that single women are really good at.
Giving Dating Advice
Married women may give great advice when it comes to sticking with a relationship for the long term. However, when you need advice on spotting the new game out there and what to expect out there, it’s time to call your single friends.
“It’ll just be me and my boo against the world,” my co-worker stated. She said this before proceeding to provide an unsolicited explanation of why she thought she had to choose her new man over her long-time girlfriends. “At some point, you have to make a choice,” she said. “I don’t want to be single like all of them, and so, you have to choose.”
But do you? Should you ever have to choose your man over your friends? And if you do, when is the appropriate time?
“What would you do?” she asked me, disregarding the fact that I was single and didn’t have to make such a decision. I initially thought she sounded like a naïve, crazy person; but then I had to consider what “choosing” actually meant.
To choose means to select one thing over the other. I’m sure there are times when a woman would choose a date night with her man over happy hour with her girls; but what about special occasions? What about when your friends don’t get along with your man and vice versa? Should you have to “choose” where your loyalty lies?
“I think ideally you shouldn’t have to choose,” my married friend said when I asked for her input. I figured I should ask someone who wasn’t in a new situation like my co-worker. “I feel like if all parties are mature, friends will understand when a relationship is growing and moving forward. They’ll know when to step aside. By the same token, your man will know as well.”
She also added that a good man would actually encourage your friendships. I concur. Seriously, what man (in his right mind) doesn’t want you to have friends and wants you to hang out with him, and only him? I’ll wait…
It’s not healthy. Women need friendships, just as men do. Your mate can’t give you what valuable friendships can provide. And your friends can’t replace your partner. There are places and should be spaces for both.
Another one of my single friends admitted that things change once a friend marries. Though she’s never walked down the aisle, she assumes that friendships will change, but shouldn’t end.
“Once I get married, I know that I won’t tell my girls everything about my man because he and I should be as one,” she said. “But I also know that I still want to keep my friendships and spend quality time with my friends.”
As I always say, there is no one-size-fits-all relationship advice. Everyone’s situation is different. Some women can find the time to juggle friends and their partner without things changing. Others? Not so much. There isn’t anything wrong with friendships slightly shifting when a woman gets into a relationship. But there is a problem when she ditches friends she’s been around for years for a man she recently met.
Here was my question to my co-worker: Because you just met this guy, if it doesn’t work out, would that experience be worth losing your friends over? Her response confirmed what I initially thought about her being a naïve, crazy person: “It’s going to work out,” she said.
“Oh,” was all that I could say without sounding rude.
Clearly, she was a hopeless romantic who didn’t value her friendships with the women she’d known for years because she found herself a man she’d known for months. However, the consensus of reasonable women I spoke with all agreed that even if relationships change, they shouldn’t be abandoned. Just as many women don’t want to be single forever, most also don’t want to be friendless. Why should you have to choose?
When, if ever, should you choose your man over your friends? Or is it something that you should never have to do?
If you followed my dating life–or lack there of–in stories like this, this or this you know I last left you feeling pretty fleeky despite the wake up call I unexpectedly got from my “ex” for lack of a better term. Since what seemed to be a devastating break up, I’ve seen Chris, the imposter, twice. Now that I live fairly close to his parents house, whenever he is in town he calls to check in. Our conversations are never long and always seem genuine. We chat about our kids, he of course recently had another. Regardless of the fact that I’m not certain Chris is even his real name there was a thin thread of reality in our relationship. We genuinely cared for each other’s well-being, and seemingly still do. He is always sure to let me know if I ever need anything, he will still hold it down like he used to. He always seems so sincere, it always feels so real.
Last summer, when he came back to town I agreed to meet with him out of my necessity of tangible answers and explanations about what happened between us. I wanted to look at him and question his motives and why he lied about all those damn kids. I wanted to see if he felt any remorse and if he would continue to lie. Who knows if he was being truthful, at this point, who cares. Before he left, I showed him a side of me he’d never seen, and that I made sure he’d never forget. I felt empowered to see the shock and maybe even hurt in his eyes, when he leaned in for a goodbye kiss and I turned my head, giving him the “see ya buddy” shoulder tap.
Fast forward to this summer, Chris is back in town, and we chat, and we meet briefly. This time around I felt power in my personal growth. At some point, unbeknownst to me, I had reached a resolve and gained closure. I’ve grown comfortable in the safety of singlehood. For a while, I had entertained several Tinder finds out of boredom. With no expectations, other than for the worst, I’d swipe right just to see what kind of shenanigans this one or that one had for me. Regardless of the man, what he did or where he came from, for the most part, they were all corny, boring, gross, or just…no. I’ve gone out several times and have yet to meet a suitor of interest.
I was starting to think, maybe I fell off.
I had been running errands in sweats and the occasional scarf more than I probably should. Not to mention my DM’s had dried up.
Despite the obvious, I’ve been taking no extra measures to doll myself up or even go anywhere overly social. Knowing I need to do better hasn’t been the catalyst of change that would get me to retire my favorite sweats, or at minimum, throw on a lash. What did inspire the turning of new leaf however was the most random request I got from a friend and colleague. This friend of mine had always been someone I’d had a crush on. We met back in college and in those days he had eyes for another friend. After being out of touch for sometime, we got back in touch, nothing crazy, real regular. Likes on Instagram, laughing faces on Snap, the occasional flirtation.
Recently those general flirtations crossed into more seductive territory. Being the object of someone’s lustful desires could be taken offensively, at worst, and encouraging at best. The scenario following our conversation got me thinking. I had been happy to be the lead role in a man’s fantasy. Without hesitation, I acquiesced his request for a virtual strip tease. I was shocked because this wasn’t something I had ever done before and until then it wasn’t something I would ever consider doing…especially for someone whom I was somewhat interested in dating.
Normally I reserve my savagery for a guy I couldn’t care less about, someone whose opinion makes no difference to me whatsoever. On the other hand, someone I am genuinely interested in, I make every effort to be perceived in a most favorable way. You know what I mean, trying to avoid that judgmental double standard looming over women regarding sex.
Why it is that men can do as they please sexually without being stigmatized, while we need to maintain a social level of respectability? Regardless of his feelings, I am glad I did it. I was confident and I felt sexy, a feeling I haven’t been acquainted with in sometime. Since my “performance,” I haven’t been so acquainted with my sweats or scarf either.
This past summer, the 2016 Olympics had us glued to our television sets as we saw Olympians from across the globe set ground-breaking records and win multiple medals for themselves and their countries.
And, of course, it wouldn’t have been the Olympics if we didn’t bear witness to Jamaica’s Usain Bolt retaining the title of the world’s fastest man, again. Only, this time around fans and spectators alike were able to take a peek inside the track medalist’s personal life as well, thanks to his mother and girlfriend.
In an interview with CNN, Usain Bolt’s mother told reporters that once her son is done competing, she hopes he’ll “settle down and get married. Adding fuel to his mother’s fiery wishes was Usain’s girlfriend Kasi Bennett who was making it known how proud she was of her man; that is until he was caught kissing and partying with other women after the Olympics. Cosmopolitan reports Kasi found out about Usain’s alleged cheating via social media and would retweet people calling out Usain for his behavior. Bennett only tweeted: “#SelfControl,” but never fully vocalized how she felt about their relationship, after photos of Usain philandering shenanigans went viral.
Usain, however, decided to open up about his indiscretions and relationship to PEOPLE and revealed, he and Bennet “just got really serious.”
“She’s happy, I’m happy,” he told the media outlet. “We are taking it one step at a time.” He also shared that he’s not in a rush to get married but “in time it will come.”
But in taking the “slow and steady wins the race” approach, especially after a partner has been publicly disrespectful, are you really trying to build a relationship or just saving face out of embarrassment? In me and my friends’ own personal experiences, usually, when you are trying to paint a fairy tale, you are really just skating over whatever shame or hurt was inflicted in the relationship rather than actually addressing it. And not to say Kasi and Usain didn’t work out their relationship issues, but more effort was put into their social media retaliation against those who don’t think Kasi should be with the track star than the interview with People in which Usain simply said, “She’s happy. I’m happy.” Sounds like the two might just be trying not to prove naysayers right rather than admit they might be wrong for one another. What do you think?
Have you ever found yourself, saving face to protect the integrity of your relationship?
I read something really interesting the other day: Love isn’t always about luck; it’s about setting a goal and reaching it.
As women, it’s easy for us to fall into the habit of waiting for love to happen to us. It’s the men that do the approaching and it’s our job to be ready when it happens.
But even if you like a man to make the first move, there are lots of ways to make sure you’re in his cross hairs when he’s ready to make that happen.
Putting love on your To Do list means making time in your schedule to make love a priority — and thinking a little outside of the box.
While some of us may rely on serendipity or fate, others, like Leslie Jones, rely on social media to reconnect with potential baes who got away too soon.
Yesterday, the comedienne went out on a courageous limb and tweeted that while she attended the Governor’s Ball with friends, she found herself flirting with a cute bartender from Alabama who served her Southern hospitality, among other things. Unfortunately, Leslie’s friends were ready to go before she could exchange numbers with him and instead of fuming about the missed opportunity, Leslie decided to send out a search team for her love interest.
Ok at Gov ball cute bartender from Alabama flirted with me but i didn’t get his #. We had to go. I’ll know who you are if you reach out. JS
— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) September 23, 2016
Since she posted the tweet, it’s been retweeted 152 times and favorited another 2,399. Because of the traction it received, many fans have asked Leslie if they can be invited to the wedding or even told her to step her game up.
@Lesdoggg 1) You are beautiful 2) Bama boys are the BEST! 3) I can find you another if I need to
— Erin Watkins (@erin_i_watkins) September 23, 2016
@Lesdoggg please invite me to the wedding!
— javachik (@javachik) September 23, 2016
@Lesdoggg there’s no better feeling,the meeting of a person with that kinda of attraction ,,,hope for a great experience
— savage (@Randygleason45) September 23, 2016
@Lesdoggg Get your game together girl!!!
— Shennika (@MsSudduth72) September 23, 2016
But if you were in Leslie’s position would you ever try to find someone you had a romantic connection online? I wouldn’t necessarily tweet out a search for him but if we attended the same event and didn’t have mutual friends, I would look through the event’s hashtag to see if a photo of him appeared.
Would you do the same or allow the Universe to be the plug? Share below.
The narrative of the Black man choosing not to date Black women is not a new one. We hear it, we see it. It’s a thing. Whether the numbers are staggering or not—and they aren’t; the fact that this sentiment exists among our own people is troubling. And y’all know Iyanla is out here trying to heal the community. So, it only makes sense that she and the good people at OWN found some of these men and asked them why?
They found three men, on in his 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s.
Twenty-eight-year-old Bo, a business owner, said his reason for avoiding Black women is that he doesn’t want to deal with their strong personalities. He said, and I quote Black women need to, “You know, stay in a woman’s place.”
But Bo mentioned that his issue with Black women stems from watching his own mother struggle with anger. Still, he commended his mother for making sure she didn’t pass it on to him.
Iyanla said that she took a different approach in raising her son. And intentionally exposed him to the anger so that he could understand and be an asset to a Black woman.
Then 33-year-old Koro said that Black women don’t want him because he’s a God-fearing man, practicing celibacy. He also said that in the church, if you don’t have a collar, the women don’t want to talk to him. That story was so odd, all I could wonder was what church he goes to. Because I know good and well how many church women are also on a celibacy journey trying to achieve their spiritual goals. If Koro had any type of decency, Black women would be about that life.
Then there was Michael, a 46-year-old musician who traveled a lot during his childhood. When he came back to his hometown, he said that the Black women around him said he was different, talked and dressed funny and listened to weird music. He also mentioned that his cousins made fun of him.
That’s quite a few of our life stories. But Michael said that because of these experiences, he enters most interactions with Black women believing that they will find him strange.
Iyanla asked him what it had to do with the man he is today? She told him about her own experiences being bused to a predominately White high school, with people spitting on her and calling her the n-word. She said it doesn’t influence the person she is today.
Watch the conversation between the four of them.
After that the show organized a mixer between these men and some of the Black women Iyanla has been working with and a couple of White women too. See what happened.
Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days.”
We recently read somewhere that smart women have the toughest time dating. It makes sense when you think about it. The higher up the success and education ladder you climb, for whatever reason, the harder it can feel to find the right fit in love and life.
Are you making the following relationship mistakes? You’re not alone. Are you prone to overthinking? Do you lead most with your head and not your heart?
We’ve got a list of the common relationship mistakes even the smartest women make. Do you find yourself hung up when it comes to these relationship hurdles?
Low self-esteem is deadly when it comes to relationships. Insecurities and a lack of confidence can lead to a person overwhelming their partner and turning a relationship that started off harmonious into a living hell. Low self-esteem is not just about how you view yourself. It affects your perception of others and situations, your self-respect and your judgment.
My own low self-esteem came from being bullied and never having a relationship throughout my teenage and young adult years. The first things I heard about myself from my peers was that I was fat and ugly, so I believed it. Not knowing your self-worth and being naive about relationships is a recipe for heartache. When a man would express interest in me, I would automatically assume that we would be in a relationship. I didn’t think they would hurt me. I didn’t think they would lie or take advantage of me because, quite frankly, I didn’t know any better. I had no clue how to deal with men. I dreamed of having a relationship but didn’t know anything about the dating game. I would move too fast because I was too trusting. I was too kind because I assumed they were deserving.
When I was younger, I would date guys who had nothing but bad intentions for me but I didn’t want to believe it. It was better to have someone who was only around sometimes than to not have anyone at all. After they used me up, they would disappear and I would be confused. I figured I was a pretty nice person, so why would they hurt me? I never understood how a man could be so sweet and then dispose of me like I was trash. I would try and figure out what I did to push them away, not realizing they were never in it for the long run in the first place. I now see that it was because men can sniff out low self-esteem. Some will play on that to get what they want while others will distance themselves. Unfortunately, I ran into men who would use my low self-esteem as motivation to take advantage of me. They saw my desperation to have someone else to make me feel beautiful and wanted, and they gave me my temporary fix and then vanished without a goodbye.
Having low-self-esteem is torturing. Without a man around to give me attention or make me feel special, I felt undesirable, unwanted and disregarded. You can have so many talents, skills and a good heart but be blinded by your inability to love yourself. I would base how I felt about myself on what men told me because I couldn’t fathom my own internal and external beauty.
With no one to turn to, I had to rebuild the self-esteem that was torn down by others. Whatever I didn’t like about myself, I changed. My weight always bothered me, so I changed my lifestyle and lost over 50 pounds and counting. I learned to embrace whatever I couldn’t change. I also turned my passiveness into assertiveness. Saying no to guys helps me get rid of problems before they start. I remain kind but I use better judgment when meeting men and allow them to show me what their intentions are. As I matured and learned to put myself first, I’ve learned that if a man wants a woman, he will make it his business to be in her life. The woman will not be doing most of the work. I have accepted myself instead of shaming myself without validation from of a man.
I know that most of us do not play when it comes to the contents of our phone. When we hand our cell over to someone to see a picture, we want them to look at that one picture, and then hand the phone right back. It’s not because we necessarily have something incriminating to hide, but rather, it’s because we’re all entitled to our privacy. But is it a different ballgame when you’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone? Is your significant other supposed to be allowed access to your phone passwords or even just to see who you’re talking to and what you’re talking about when you’ve put in major time together?
That’s what a friend of mine believes. She’s been with her boyfriend for almost three years, and they’ve talked about marriage, kids — the whole nine yards. But one thing that seems to bother her is that after all their time together, he’s still “secretive,” as she puts it, when it comes to his phone.
“When he leaves the room he takes his phone with him,” she told me while catching up. “Even when he goes to the bathroom, he takes it with him. I feel like people only do all that when there is something they don’t want you to see.”
According to her, she tells him who she’s messaging, never turns her phone face down when she’s around him, and if he asked, she would let him look through it. She doesn’t have anything to hide, so she isn’t afraid of what he might see, hear or find. It’s nowhere near the same thing in his case.
When she asked him previously why he was weird about his phone, she said that he told her he doesn’t have to show her what’s in his phone because that’s “my business.” He’s also said that if he let her see his phone, she would just go looking for trouble where there is none. It’s something that makes both parties uncomfortable: her because she doesn’t know what he could be hiding, him because he doesn’t like the idea of her digging in his things.
I think whether you’ve been dating for 10 minutes or married for 10 years, you are still entitled to some sliver of privacy in a relationship. Just because she’s willing to be forthcoming with all the information on her phone doesn’t mean he has to be. And just because a couple should be open with one another doesn’t mean that automatically denotes that by year two you get to dig in another party’s drawers, go through their emails, and listen in on their conversations because you believe you’ve earned that right. Plus, seeing their phone may never really end up being enough if you are filled with an overwhelming sneaking suspicion.
However, I will admit that I do find it a bit odd the lengths he goes to keep her away from his phone. Taking it with you to the bathroom when you want to get your scroll on while handling business on the toilet is one thing. However, if your phone has to be near you while you’re in the shower and when you’re doing just about everything else, it is suspicious. A person doesn’t have to give all of their passwords and show all of the pictures, messages and their browsing history, but there is some truth to the idea that if you don’t have anything to hide, you shouldn’t feel the need to be so stealth about it all.
It’s a tricky situation. But as they say, if she really feels unsettled by his desire for such privacy, doesn’t trust his actions, and believes it’s a sign that he’s doing something he’s not supposed to, one can’t help but wonder if it’s really necessary to wait around for proof if she seems so sure he’s living foul…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is it petty to be upset that her boyfriend won’t grant her access to his phone? Or do you think he’s hiding something?