Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Do you have a lot of male friends? That’s fine! It’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. They can give you insight into the mind of man, and they can be adorably protective in a big brother way. But, how do you know when you’ve crossed the line from just caring about each other as friends, friends with their own partners at that, and instead, find yourself having an emotional affair?

by Marissa Ellis

Dating is not for everyone. The thought of meeting someone, going out on a series of interviews dates, with the pressure linging overhead of figuring things out within a matter of a few months is enough to turn someone like me off from the whole game. Am I supposed to know within three months whether I want to invest in another soul, make future life plans with him and enter into a sexual relationship? Yeah, I guess so. Most people follow that scenario faithfully.

Although it does leave me with limited options, I opt to know someone as a friend first. Basically, that eliminates the chances of me meeting someone at a random place. In the past, I have met people at work and through friends. In a work setting, you have the chance to communicate with somoene as a colleague. And when meeting someone through a friend, it’s much easier to strike up a casual friendship. I take commitment very seriously which is why I don’t like leaving things up to chance if I can help it. And by help it, I mean getting to know the other person very well before I enter into a pact to love and nurture him. As friends, you get to know the person without the facades; you get to know the person for who they are and not what they’re trying to impress you with.

Ironically enough, I first met my current boyfriend at a bar. We went out on a few dates before I decided that I wasn’t interested enough or comfortable enough to pursue it further. After all, when someone else is paying the bill for all your get-to-know-each-other excursions, it just adds to the uncomfortable pressure of figuring things out fast. Once I told him that I wasn’t sure about dating, he wanted to remain friends. And that we did, for a whole year before we decided to try dating again. During that platonic time, I got to know him as a person and really became attracted to him without any external pressures.

As much as I’m celebrating the friends first approach, I know it’s not for everyone. What works for you? Have you ever successfully enforced the friends first rule? Or do you prefer the straight-up approach to dating?

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We’ve all heard the statistics involving black women and marriage, the shortage of black men, etc. And yeah, yeah, we get it: there is a major gap in the ratio of eligible black men to eligible black women, making it much more difficult to find a compatible mate. Furthermore, to add to this shortage, we would have to subtract the black men who are in a relationship, incarcerated, or don’t like black women, or women at all. Then there’s the unspoken rule that most of us have included in our subtraction list: men who have dated any of our friends in the past.

While this rule is one of those ‘girlfriend codes’ shared amongst most women, some are beginning to ask the question that can immediately break up a friendship: “Do you care if I date your ex?” Does this question automatically make a woman a bad friend who can’t be trusted as far as she can be seen?

If you would have asked me this question a few years ago, I would have immediately responded with harsh words and a serious side-eye to any woman who would consider dating their close friend’s former flame; but as I’ve grown older, my words have changed from harsh to inquisitive as I question a woman’s reasoning for breaking this unspoken girlfriend code. While certain situations should be self-explanatory in why you shouldn’t even think about dating a friend’s ex, others are filled with blurry lines and gray areas, leaving room to wonder–is it REALLY ever okay?

In the February issue of Essence, a panel of relationship writers and editors discussed various topics regarding relationships. When asked if a friend’s ex was off limits, all panel members unanimously agreed that after a certain period of time, said ex was fair game, meaning that once she’s done, you can get you some. Well, maybe not exactly that way, but the panelists admitted that after a few years (they agreed on three) a friend’s ex shouldn’t be off limits and should subsequently be thrown back into the dating pool for everyone to date–even her friends.

There is a small part of me that says go ahead and date a friend’s ex, including mine, but do so after discussing the situation with your friend. But on the other hand, there is the other more dominating part of me that says while there might be a shortage of black men, there is an even larger shortage of genuine friends and jeopardizing the latter in any way for a man is totally unacceptable.

The first few dates might have been phenomenal. The first few months might have been like living on cloud 9. The first all night phone call might have felt effortless until some random moment when you suddenly lost the connection. What are these little things that can be major game changers for a guy? Here are 7 behaviors that tell a man a lot about you, and can sometimes surprise him.

All work and no play isn’t a phrase that describes Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper’s rumored relationship. This weekend the two attended a cocktail party for their film, “The Words,” at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, UT, and the pair seemed to be entertaining each other more than the guests.

“They were kissing in front of the fire and being very affectionate,” an onlooker told PEOPLE, while a source also said, “They are definitely very together.”

Another observer at the party said that the pair was caught in an intense conversation and was giggling, with Zoe being touchy-feely. “They were like two seventh graders. The electricity was out of this world.”

Zoe and Brad also attended a private premiere dinner the night before the party where they were seen interacting and laughing casually with each other and the rest of the guests, so maybe the cocktails just got to the couple the next night, or the PR wheels are churning to get people in the theaters to see the chemistry between these two on screen.

What do you think? Can we officially call these two a couple now or is it just for show?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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by Sabrina Jackson

In today’s era, we are all about embracing lives as strong, independent and financially savvy women who don’t need a man to take care of us. And because there are more and more women out there who have dominated the best schools and pursued lucrative careers to gain bank accounts that would crush those of their male counterparts, many of said successful women date men who fall shorter than them on the income spectrum. Unfortunately, however, these relationships often meet their demise over differing lifestyles and insecurities involving a threatened male-ego that couldn’t handle the successes achieved by a woman. So if you happen to be a lady who makes more than her guy, be sure to avoid such a fate in your relationship and check out the following tips for making it as successful as your earnings:

It’s all about respect. When it comes to dating a guy who doesn’t rake in as much dough as you do, turn up the Aretha Franklin and make sure that you are giving each other some R-E-S-P-E-C-T! If you have decided that a man’s financial standing has nothing to do with your feelings for him, then don’t give him a hard time for his choice in his career, his education level or the amount of bread that he brings home. A relationship without mutual respect is not a relationship—so it is equally important that the respect you give is returned to you regarding the same choices you’ve made in your life.

Consider lifestyles. Sure, when you are with a man who isn’t quite as successful as you, then most likely there are a few differences in your lifestyles that could play a determining factor in whether or not the relationship will work. What is he doing when you’re slaving away to make a hard-earned living? Does he lack motivation? Can he barely support himself so he relies solely on you? Is he at the bars or out shopping with your money? These kinds of behaviors can make high-income women feel used and can lead to questions like, “Is he really interested in me, or is he just interested in my black American Express card?” Sometimes, lifestyles just aren’t a fit and if you aren’t willing to foot the bill for him to enjoy the same luxuries as you, then it might be time to let the relationship go.

Remember when things got messy around the time we learned Kobe and Vanessa Bryant were getting a divorce and rumors tried to make Sanaa Lathan out to be a homewrecker because she was seen dancing around Kobe at the Watch the Throne Concert?

At the time, Sanaa shut down the gossip on Twitter, saying:

“Anybody who pays attention knows I’m not his type… Blank stare.”

But now she wants to take it back. She told Ebony she regrets making that comment in the heat of the moment:

“I probably shouldn’t have said that because I don’t discriminate when it comes to dating. I have dated all races and I believe you should be free to do whatever you want.

“I was so annoyed because I was having such a great time at the concert and Kobe happened to be standing next to me, and then all of a sudden I was tied to his break-up. That’s absurd, and I tweeted that in the moment, and I regret it.”

I personally don’t see anything wrong with what she said but maybe she thinks her shade wasn’t becoming of a Pantene spokesmodel. You tell me.

Did you see anything wrong with what Sanaa said or was she just telling the truth?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Another relationship lost. It’s something that I’ve become quite familiar with ever since my first day as a freshman in high school. On that day, my first love called me up after dodging me in the hallways all day to tell me that our summer loving was coming to an end and that he wanted to break up (and by the way, he wanted his jewelry back as well). To be honest, those next few years of high school hurt a lot until I did some honest soul-searching.

With other relationships came more breakups, but more than simply slaying my exes with the insults that I never said directly (“Your breath stank anyway!  You should be happy you had me! THIS is your new girlfriend?  I’m just saying you can do better…”), what really helped me was taking a good hard look at all of my relationships and understanding what I could learn from them about myself (along with my “I Hate Men” mixtape complete with the sounds of Tamia, Kelly Price and a pissed off Foxy Brown).

One of the biggest things that can sink a new relation-ship (get it?) is the heavy burden of past issues.  Some may say the best way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one.  But what they leave out is that this out of the blue new relationship should be the one you revisit with yourself.  When you serial date and jump from relationship to relationship, you lose the ability to look at each relationship on its own because you’re too busy comparing it to the last one.  Before you decide you’re ready to move on, check your baggage by asking yourself the following:

By Alyssa Johnson

In the Sex and the City episode, “Luck Be an Old Lady,” Samantha is confronted with a major decision regarding her beau Richard who has a wandering eye. Catching him cheating on her has only made Samantha’s paranoia skyrocket as they hit the Atlantic City Casinos for a weekend getaway. Not being able to take the “what if’s” of the relationship, Samantha throws all her cards on the table and while breaking up with Richard says, “I love you Richard, but I love me more.”

In television land, Samantha knew when to let go and what her deal breaker was, but in reality, so many other factors play a part in staying in a situation that we know is not the best for us. Letting go isn’t always as easy as proclaiming our love for ourselves and dropping the baggage on the way out. In your relationships, are you confident as to what your deal breakers are or do you find yourself compromising way too much of yourself just to be in the relationship? Whether married or cohabiting together, a relationship has its ups and downs, but ultimately, shouldn’t the ups outweigh the downs? Here are six examples of when you know it’s time to let go.

By Patricia Elie

If you hadn’t heard, black professionals are now practicing alternative methods to seeking a date due to their busy lifestyles. I personally have experienced the frustration of going to the club, as well as the after work party and spending countless hours online but finding no suitable counterpart. As a result, I sought other practices to finding a date.

In particular, speed dating has become a preferred option for those seeking to meet a variety of singles at one setting (all in one is fun!). Since many in the black community don’t partake in this form of networking often, some tend to be apprehensive toward the idea of “dating” several strangers in one night. But in actuality, speed dating is not awkward (unless you’re REALLY awkward) and can be lots of fun.
As a host of speed dating events, I have witnessed the mistakes that both men and women make when participating in their three to five-minute dates. From the attitudes they come in with that can turn people off, to focusing too much on themselves. If you’re looking to try this method of meeting up, here are some suggestions that can help make your next speed dating event (or first) not only enjoyable but eventful.