All Articles Tagged "dating"
There are some things that every woman should know about men. Could changing you point of view change you relationship for the better?
You Should Never Check His Internet History
You don’t like it when men watch pornography, he’s wired to love watching pornography. The best solution? A “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy for your pc.
You’ve just met him and the sparks are flying. But is it like or just lust? Sex can lead to attachment whether you want it or not. So before you jump in bed, be sure your hormones aren’t taking over and pairing you with a guy you might not even like. Asking yourself these questions first could save you from your next dead-end relationship.
Your Playlist Is R-Rated
Meet a new man and you start playing the songs that make you think about him on repeat. But if your playlist is more R. Kelly than Drake, it could be a sign that you’re only interested in one thing.
Relationships are never easy to navigate because of the rollercoaster of emotions that come with trying to maintain that healthy balance of love, compromise and commitment. Some of us are better at juggling the elements than others but at the end of the day, like everything else in life, it boils down to hard work and dedication.
Being able to give yourself to someone in a selfless manner requires the most basic instinct that is inherently in all of us but sometimes gets buried in an attempt to exercise a level of control or because we don’t have the ability to be generously sacrificial.
If the “honeymoon” phase is over and things are rapidly disintegrating, you can either jump ship or stick around for the rebound. Living in an age that encourages flighty connections and disingenuous attachments thanks to the digital era, the ability to focus on one thing at a time has become a major challenge. We are now conditioned to always anticipate something better coming along, and that can affect our ability to commit to our relationships in a meaningful way.
But if you are truly in it for the long haul – there are ways to save your relationship as opposed to sabotaging it. You can start by finding a nicer way to point out your partner’s mistakes. Constantly barraging him with the things he did wrong tends to leave a sour taste in his mouth and will ultimately push him away. Nobody wants to be around someone who spends majority of the time making them feel inadequate. Constructive criticism is valuable every now and then, but if you are habitually judging your man, he will run into the arms of someone who validates him in ways you refuse to. Another major hindrance is the habit of mockery or relying on hostility as a form of communication. This is a very common feature in most relationships and it is also the most damaging. We get to a place where our frustrations give way to a growing contempt for the person we supposedly love. If we are unable to keep this at a minimum, it may be time for an extended break or you could both do the work in order to figure out why those feelings are consistent. Either way, you have to remove yourself from the unhealthy regimen of making your partner feel like his very presence makes you feel uncontrollably disgusted.
Another item on the list of queries is the instinctual need to be defensive. We can’t help but regulate the blame to someone else, especially when we feel cornered. If our relationship is unstable, the best way to get at the heart of the matter is to investigate your own contribution to the issue instead of heaping all the blame on the other person. If both of you are invested, that translates into a partnership. You both have to accept responsibility for the successes and failures. If you are unwilling to take ownership of your mistakes, you are basically making a bad situation worse which means there will be no resolve. In order to encourage a positive outcome to an ongoing conflict, you have to be open to the idea of giving your partner the respect he deserves by listening to his side. You have to be able to accommodate his concerns while also being equally expressive. That is the only way you can both reach a mutual agreement.
Lastly, the death of a relationship is encouraged by your disengagement. Often times, we get to a place where we have exhausted every option, and we are completely uninterested in being emotionally present or active. Once you have mentally checked out, that signals the beginning of the end. If you want to ensure that you both stand a chance, you have to make the effort to be open and emotionally available. Closing yourself off will make it difficult for your partner to re-connect with you and convince him that you are no longer interested in sharing your life with him.
Relationships can be rewarding and stimulating but in order to reap the benefits, you have to work hard and be diligent. Fairy tales are for dreamers, in the real world, nothing comes from nothing – and that’s a fact.
Every relationship comes with an expiration date. The trick is to see the signs that it’s time to move on — before things really turn sour.
This Is Your Auto-correct Situation
And it’s the only thing keeping you from finally ending it all.
The other day I was reading my Twitter timeline and someone asked a question about her boyfriend and his seemingly secret ways with his cell phone. Should she be worried? What does that mean? Is he cheating? My initial reaction was, “Wait… can you chill out for a second before you start accusing him of stuff?” I could only think of myself and how I like to keep my phone private, primarily because people text, email or call me with the expectation that their communication is not being read by someone other than me and I owe those people that expectation of privacy.
The bigger point here, though, is that it’s always a good idea to start with questions instead of accusations when you’re trying to discuss something in your relationship. When someone in the relationship starts out with an accusation it immediately makes the other person defensive. Also, unless you’re absolutely correct the other person will most likely dismiss you altogether. This has happened many times in my own relationships.
I understand the paranoia and insecurity that comes with a past where you’ve been hurt before. Take our earlier example, in your past you may have dated someone who kept their phone private and you found out later it was because they were cheating. However, that does not mean that is going to always be the case. The best way to start that conversation is, “Hey why do you always take your phone with you everywhere you go?” He may reply, “I actually don’t think about it at all. In fact, since I had my Sidekick I pretty much have always had my phone in my hand.” (I apologize for dating myself with a Sidekick reference.)
Paranoia and insecurity are relationship killers; they really have no place in a productive and healthy relationship. I typically view the world as positive and expect good things to happen. Sure bad things can happen. Sure being naïve could lead to me being seriously hurt in the end, but I’m willing to take that risk. I’m willing to think positive and find out that I’m wrong than to be skeptical of just about everything my partner does. Plus, you don’t want to get accused of being a nag. You don’t want to get a reputation for always being negative or suspicious. That’s when men start foolishly calling women crazy. I hate that word, but I know men have a tendency to use it when paranoia and insecurity turn into incessant nagging. I’ve had perfectly good relationships end quickly and tragically because as much as I cared for her, I couldn’t take the constant nagging and accusations.
Let me be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask questions or raise issues. I think it’s important that no one ever feels silenced in their relationship. But it’s important that you think about how you want to raise those questions and issues. And have the wisdom to know when enough is enough or how your partner will react to your inquiry. Above all else, always approach discourse with an open mind and productive spirit. Anything else will inevitably end up be unproductive to resolution.
From Single Black Male
Blurred gender roles are a norm in today’s day and age.
Most of us want equality for both sexes in all facets of life. Ideally, this would be the case. The truth is that for this to be, there will be some resistance in some instances. For instance we have today’s subject of marriage proposal. Now some of us may feel that a woman proposing to a man would be tacky. Some simply thing that it isn’t right. We’ll explore this today whether it be in this post or in the comments. But the bottom line is that this here lies the same “what’s good for the goose” ideology. If men can propose to women, so should a woman propose to a man.
Will this ever be an “in” thing to do?
I’m not sure; what I can give you all, my SBM faithful is my views on it. Heading to brunch this past Sunday I was talking to my boy about this. I told him that serious couples discuss things like marriage and their futures together. To me, if a couple discusses their future together then a woman should feel confident enough to know that one day her man will propose. Whether or not a woman is patient enough to wait is another question.
Of course another question that arises is how long is too long to wait? I really don’t know. Different people have different levels of patience. My patience threshold is pretty solid. This also depends on circumstance and the personalities involved. I’ve seen people get engaged and married within a calendar year; and stay married. I have also seen couples be married for thirty plus years and still see it fail. So there’s obviously more than one way to skin a cat. When it comes to proposals you can argue there’s no right or wrong way. I say that in regards to who proposes.
I actually dated a woman a while back who said that she would entertain the idea of proposing to a man.
I was shocked to say the least. She was a bit of a go getter. My guess is that maybe more extroverted women are open to proposing to a man. What I did find interesting was a study that I read on menshealth.com. It said that 83% of men won’t wear a “man-gagement” ring. So the majority of us fellas aren’t into this idea basically.
Why am I not into it? I’m a forward thinking cat. I believe in being creative and pushing envelopes. I believe in challenging thoughts and the whole shabang. Strangely enough, I’m still a bit of a traditionalist. I think the proposal process is the time for a guy to be supremely romantic. There’s not another day where a woman should imagine being swept off her feet any better. A woman proposing to us robs us of our creativity for such a special moment. That’s just me.
Read more about female proposals at SingleBlackMale.org
He grabbed both of my wrists and tried to coax me to my feet, but I wouldn’t go.
I honestly didn’t feel like dancing.
The song wasn’t right and neither was the overall vibe.
I was at a photographer friend’s party in Philly. The room was full of beautiful and fashionable people but unfortunately, I didn’t know a single one of them. Everyone else was either in cliques or already paired off, so walking up to random groups, in an attempt to mingle, proved to be a bit awkward. And with the exception of the one dude, who walked past me just to say “smile” – and that’s it – I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. That was until the Black Patrick Swayze showed up.
“If you don’t get up and dance with me, I’m going to give you a lap dance,” he said firmly and he wiggled his hips from side to side.
The smile we ladies wear to seem pleasant at all times, waned. “Please. Don’t,” I insisted.
And I really meant it. He sucked his teeth and took a seat next to me on the sofa lounge. He looked so defeated. Part of me felt bad slightly for me. He was working overtime for my attention ever since we made eye contact across the room. Actually, I was merely staring at him because I thought he looked like someone I went to school with. But that was more than enough incentive for him to walk over and plant himself only inches away from my face. And that’s where he stood the entire night.
Originally, I appreciated the company. But he had been hopping around, flirting and cracking sexual jokes all evening. And any attempts at serious conversation were deflected with more jokes and other silliness. For instance, I asked him what he did for a living. He told me he was a gastroenterologist. “Butts and guts but enough about that, let’s talk about your butts and gut. Haha, I’m just kidding.”
I asked him if he travelled. He said to Brazil. I told I had gone too and asked him what he liked most about the trip. “Everything was beautiful but not as beautiful as you.” Sweet. Cute. But boring. And it is especially boring after the cheap one-liner he tried to whisper in my ear.
It feels like a silly thing to get upset about, but it’s really not. Like John Legend, I am just ordinary people. And as such, you don’t have to try to blow my head up. Really, it’s not necessary. That’s not to say I don’t like compliments or don’t appreciate the ego boost even. But one or two a day is cool. And I usually like them to be genuine and mixed in with other topics we can converse about.
Like our work and careers. Our hopes and ambitions. What we do in our free time and other hobbies. Our politics. Our religion or faith. Our favorite television shows. Even what we had for breakfast in the morning. The point I’m making here is that the lack of conversation is killing whatever potential attraction might have been there.
And it has been a pattern of late. No matter the occupation or education level or even personality-type, many men I meet today come off as shallow and dumb. Or they think that I’m shallow and dumb? Either way, I have been going on lots of dates with men, who just can’t seem to have a real conversation with me. Likewise, the only semblance of a real conversation is flirting – and very badly at that. And it all has me wondering, do many men out here not like talking to women?
And I mean this question genuinely.
Just like the last guy I went on a date with. We were supposed to be having casual dinner over some Mexican fare, however it ended up being an evening of him staring at me and smiling while I tried to eat my tacos without feeling subconscious about this guy with a cheese-eating grin, staring at me. I asked him a bunch of questions and got back single word or thought responses. He had four questions for me the entire night: 1. Are you single; 2. why?; 3. what’s your favorite television show (which on the surface sounded like a conversation starter but quickly lost steam when it was revealed that he didn’t even have a television); and 4. What do you think about me?
“To be honest, I don’t even know a single thing about you,” I said with a tinge of annoyance. I wasn’t trying to be rude to him, but what I said was the truth.Despite him staring at me and many failed attempts at grabbing my hand, I still felt invisible around him. I didn’t know him and he wasn’t really making an effort for me to do so. It was that night, which I had a dating epiphany: I am a conversationalist. And talking to men is how I like to get to know a dude.
More than dancing with them. Or making googly-eyes and crude sexual innuendos. Let’s talk. And not just around the dating basics like our martial statuses and how many kids, diseases and warrants we have. I like to hear his thoughts on topics, even if I don’t agree with them. I like to debate theoretical things. And ponder over our actualities. Hell, if you want to just talk about movies or TV, I’m game for that also. Point is, we must talk. And to each other.serenade and compliment my mind as much as you trying to with my exterior.
And unfortunately, I’m not finding that much out here on these dating streets. I have had more men try to grab my hand, dance and grind with me, kiss my cheek, neck or other body part than actually try to get to know me. They are interested in me but not really interested in knowing me. It’s clear by the lack of willingness to connect on some genuine level, I am a thing. A thing, which might be pleasant to look at and play around with, but has no real value beyond being used – by him.
Just like Patrick Swayze from the party, who after nearly an hour of putting on his best Keith Sweat impression, finally blurted out his real intention:
“So am I going to get to go home with you tonight or not?” It was probably the most honest conversation he had broached all evening.
“No I’m cool. I’m going home by myself. But thanks,” I responded, trying my best to hide my smirk.
He looked dejected. But I didn’t care.
The thing was he wasn’t bad looking and he had nice size hands. He easily could have wooed me and he could have done so honestly, without all the pandering and thirst quenching – if only he had something meaningful to say. But Charing doesn’t date – or bed – no dummies. So I bid him good night and God speed.
You don’t start fights, you don’t create drama, you don’t take issue with things…per say. But you know some things upset you, even if you’re really laid back, and you probably secretly punish your man these ways sometimes.
Love & Hip Hop Hollywood (LHHH) is one of my guilty pleasures. Every Monday night, I sit on the couch with my girlfriend, my laptop, and 1,000 of my closest twitter friends to discuss all the stupidity happening on the show. While this season hasn’t been any more ridiculous than past seasons, the relationship between Yung Berg and Hazel-E has managed to surpass the “lofty” standards set by seasons prior. The sordid interaction between these two has provided plenty of confusion, and yet, not an ounce of sympathy. Women are often telling men at the outset of a relationship (however you define that is up to you) “don’t lie to me. Tell me exactly what you want so I know where I stand.” In Berg’s case, he’s done exactly that and Hazel still seems confused, which makes their screentime both exhilarating and incredibly painful to watch. Ladies (but most certainly not men) might be surprised to know that what is happening between Hazel-E and Berg isn’t an uncommon occurrence. But before we get into that though, let’s do a quick recap of Berg and Hazel’s relationship.
At the outset of the show, it’s clear the relationship between Hazel E and Yung Berg is a one-sided affair. Hazel often refers to Yung Berg as though he’s her boyfriend while Berg is tepid, at best, about his feelings on committing to Hazel. Hazel constantly begs Berg to reaffirm his feelings for her in hopes that he feels the same way she does, only for Berg’s response to put Hazel into an emotional tailspin. Though there are a litany of situations to choose from regarding these two and their “relationship,” there are two that stand out the most. The first is Berg plainly telling Hazel exactly where he fits in her life and the second is him showing how much respect, or lack thereof, he has for her in public.
The first situation took place while both were in the studio. During the conversation where Hazel is trying to get Berg to commit, he tells her: “You know I got a different girl every day of the week and that’s how I want to live my life. If you can’t live with me, then live without me.” Hazel is heartbroken, unable to understand why the man she’s been sleeping with for almost a decade cares so very little about being in a relationship with her. Another scene finds these two on yet another couch, this time the morning after Berg and Hazel had sex. The viewers find Berg playing on his phone while Hazel walks out to join him. Hazel inquires as to why Berg is on the couch to which he responds, “You know I don’t do that lovey-dovey ‘ish and cuddling and all that.” An argument quickly ensues while discussing Berg’s plans for taking Hazel to an award show. Berg tells Hazel he “doesn’t want to be on front street” and Hazel accepts his explanation. Later, Berg goes to the award show with another woman and is approached by Hazel. Hazel references the conversation about why Berg didn’t want to go with her and Berg responds by kissing his date in front of Hazel. Embarrassed, Hazel throws her drink at the couple and storms off.
What I can’t understand about Hazel is why will she refuses to take “no” for an answer. Berg has disrespected her at almost every turn of this show, at one point describing her as “delusional.” Another argument between the two found them at a crossroads in their relationship where Berg, having had enough of Hazel’s inquiries about the two of them together, says “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You’re talking to me as if you’re my girlfriend or wife or something” with an attitude no self-respecting person would allow someone to speak to them with. As a result of the scene, many seem to believe Hazel is simply an idiot who can’t take a hint, while some ladies also thought Hazel’s behavior was an extreme example that couldn’t possibly happen in real life. If you find yourself in alignment with either of those views I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Situations like Hazel-E are closer to “a dime a dozen” than they are to “one in a million.” I’ve got a lifetime of stories of women I was sexually interested in who wanted far more out of a relationship than I did and simply wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. I can assure you that I’m not the only man with these kinds of stories. While there are plenty of instances in which men lead women to believe one thing and hit them with something completely different, there are plenty of occasions where the truth is told from the outset and some women simply refuse to accept that truth.
Hazel-E and her relationship with Berg isn’t much different from any other woman who finds herself involved with a man who doesn’t want the same thing out of a relationship she does. These types of women have convinced themselves it’s the man making the mistake, not them. They also believe if men could just see how loyal, faithful, freaky, and down for the cause they’ve been, they will wake up one day and realize she’s the one he needs to be with. Hell, to keep it one hundred, I’d bet the money I make from this post there are women reading this who were laughing at Hazel-E and are in (or have been) in a very similar situation with all the knowledge as to why Hazel-E should leave Berg but they can’t leave their own version of Yung Berg in real life. Pot. Kettle. Suffice it to say, sometimes you don’t need to decipher what a man is saying. If his actions and words are in concert, ladies, move accordingly.
Want to know whether it’s worth waiting for him to get it together? If he’s showing you these signs, it’s a clue you’ll be waiting around forever.
He Gets Mad Instead of Getting Better
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. If he gets agro every time you bring an issue up, he’s telling you he’s not equipped to face the facts — or change them.