All Articles Tagged "dating"
It’s not a good day for single people. While Yasmin Eleby is upsetting the masses with her marriage ceremony to herself, lonely New Yorkers are out here trying to find baes to post up with for the next couple of days as the city preps for what’s allegedly going to be the worst storm ever in the history of storms. Yeah we’re talking 20-30 inches y’all. But, two feet of snow is not and will never be enough snow to make me seek out a strange man (or woman) to lay up with like these Craigslist ad posters seeking love in the time of snowmaggedon — especially knowing I can’t get away from his tale for a good 24-36 hours.
Now I’ll be honest, when I first saw the forecast for the week and the impending wintry doom I did think, dang it would be nice to have a boo to lay up with right now (after I said to myself, how am I supposed to get to the gym with all this snow), but the thought stopped there. At no point did I think, you know what, let me go put up an ad for a blizzard boo like this poster Business Insider put on blast for seeking out “a single 20- or 30-something female who shares my excitement for snow days and wants to create the semi-romantic, mildly productive yet equally fun adult version.” He then proceeded to add details about whiskey, wine, and making out that I won’t post here, but you get the gist.
Now I’ll be honest again, just because I wouldn’t put out an ad for strange bedfellows doesn’t mean I would be above calling up a semi-friends with benefits boo thang (if I had one) or an ex (if he wasn’t crazy) to stay cooped up with for the next couple days. But the way my romantic life is set up… and seeing points A and B that I laid out here, the best thing I can hope for is that my trainer gives me a shoulder massage after I hit the gym in a few hours and I make it home safely without slipping and busting my butt on some ice. #BlessingsInDisguise
So yeah, that that about sums up how I’m going to get through this blizzard — besides the part where I mentioned I can work from home so the next couple of days will basically be business as usual for me — but what’s your snow day protocol? Do you seek out blizzard baes/boos when the weather turns wicked (for a few days) or do you tough it out guerrilla style solo?
These celebrities tried to move on, but their exes said not so fast.
Growing up and dating in New York City means I don’t usually have to explain my Judeo-Christian Caribbean heritage, which makes things easier to be with a compatible partner. Despite this, one can still find differences with a partner even if they are of the same nationality. On the issue, The Guardian reports:
“If anything, people are more likely than ever to marry into their own class, as a report from the Institute for Public Policy Research showed this year. Of people born in 1958, just over a third of women had a partner from the same class as themselves: 38% married up, while 23% married down. For those born in 1970, 45% married into the same class; of those born between 1976 and 1981, 56% married into the same class, with a far smaller proportion (16%) marrying up. Even the phrases “marrying up” and “marrying down” are sullying to use. You can’t really escape the connotation that the rich are better than the poor.”
In a recent study by The Cut, a focus group of 11 couples shared how they managed through the American class system. Whether their parents are immigrants or country club regulars, The Cut explores how race, wealth, religion and education affect these relationships. Here are a couple of highlights from their study:
She could afford all of this without me.
“When you’re black, it’s an inescapable truth, a full-body experience that’s happening all the time,” says Jack, 35. He says Jill, 35, his wife, who is white, talks about race by “trying to weave it into a higher morality.” He laughs: “I’m just trying to survive! She champions equality!”
Jill comes from a low-income family while Jack’s is middle class. Jill, like her mother, is the breadwinner. “It wasn’t weird to me that he didn’t have much money, and I was used to roles outside gender norms,” she says. “And neither of us grew up taking vacations.”
She paid the down payment on their house, which is in her name. “The house was my first choice, not his, and I’m sure some part of me was like, ‘It’s my money,’” Jill says. Jack adds, “There’s a 10 percent ping in my heart that she could afford all of this without me and I couldn’t afford any of it without her, but I pay half the mortgage.” She makes more money working via satellite from home than he makes working overnight in a warehouse. He gets frustrated when he returns to dishes in the sink. “She’s been home all day! I hate to say this, but I think she thinks earning more alleviates her of chores.”
He sees brown skin and thinks I’m a traitor.
“Some people are rough around the edges — he’s just rough,” Eva, 37, says of her boyfriend, Marcus, 36, who emigrated from Africa as a toddler and grew up in the projects and in foster care. She grew up in a middle-class family in a British colony, attending good schools and sneaking off to go swimming. When he went outside as a kid “he risked being shot,” and he doesn’t have any family. Eva and Marcus graduated from the same American college but at different times and met in a club in New York.
“I’m half-black, half-Portuguese,” Eva says. “I have a British accent. I don’t understand the way Americans view race. Some black people say I’m bougie and I’m acting white, but to me skin color doesn’t matter — I come from a beautiful island with British manners! This is just how I act. One day, Marcus said, ‘You get along so well with white people.’ I said, ‘What do you mean? I get along well with all people.’ … He feels insecure sometimes. I’m not from the ghetto, so I don’t talk like I’m from the ghetto — that doesn’t mean I think I’m better than someone else. He sees brown skin and thinks I’m a traitor.”
Talking with him about his childhood helps her understand his anger. She says, “It took breaking down the barriers. I’ve learned from him not to prejudge.” Both Marcus and Eva are in New York to launch businesses. “We share a common goal. He loves talking about the future,” she says. “His big aspiration is to raise kids the way I was raised.”
To read more on how class affects modern day love, click here.
We’re all familiar with the saying that “all good things must come to an end,” but what happens when a bad thing comes to an end? You can become jaded, especially if it was a bad relationship.
You went into the relationship hoping for the best, but you ended up hurt and worse for the wear, so now you’re single and jaded. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, and here are some helpful tips while you’re going through this icebox moment in your life.
Watching Jimmy Fallon lose it when he realized he missed his one-and-only chance with Nicole Kidman was one of the funniest moments on TV this week. But Jimmy’s not the only celebrity who lost his big chance. Check out our list of celebrities who regret the one who got away.
Have you heard of “the new side chick“? Just because there’s no other woman doesn’t mean you’re his number one. If your relationship sounds anything like this, you could be a side chick without even knowing it.
He didn’t show up at all for Christmas. You invited him to dinner with your family or maybe he didn’t invite you to spend any of the holidays with him. He didn’t call or text to say he wasn’t coming by or even to wish you a Merry Christmas. You’re now wondering if you can really call it a relationship when the man you’re dating doesn’t even care to acknowledge you on Christmas day or New Year’s. While it may be a hard pill to swallow, you might be overreacting.
It’s important that we all understand that there is no set book of rules and procedures for a relationship. Each one is different in their own sense and anyone professing that they know what the proper protocol is for the holidays is lying through their teeth. Know that in 2014 the relationship roles of friends, friends with benefits, boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife have been blurred as much as possible. People want to be part of the family before they’re actually part of the family. They play house when it benefits them or they play house because they see other couples playing house. The fact of the matter is if you have said to yourself, “He should have spent Christmas with me because we’re dating” you’re actually in the “not exactly” zone.
It would be nice if significant others spent the holidays with each other, alternating between whose family they will join for dinner and greetings but it’s not a requirement. There are several reasons someone may not want to spend each holiday together and everyone should have the ability to make that decision for themselves without being guilt tripped into any action.
One of the reasons someone may be reluctant to invite their significant other to holiday family gatherings may be their family. Everybody’s family is different and everybody in your family might not be someone you want to bring your significant other around until you absolutely have to. The family may be wildly inappropriate and lack filters that should be common sense for most people. You can’t choose your family but you can choose to not let them affect your personal life.
Another reason someone may be reluctant to invite their significant other around may be because they don’t want to send mixed signals. As men we have to be very careful of the mixed signals we send. If you’re still taking your time and navigating the relationship it’s probably not a good idea to give off the impression that wedding bells are coming soon. This may be why he didn’t arrange to exchange gifts with you or be your first kiss of the New Year.
Lastly, you could be dating a scrooge. Keep in mind that if you’re dating a scrooge it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you. It means he doesn’t care for holidays in general and if that’s something you care for greatly a compromise will need to be made.
Let me be honest, a seeming disappearing act this time of year can be hurtful to experience — especially if you planned on seeing your guy or at least hearing from him. However, there are tons of reasons that have nothing to do with the failure of your relationship that could have caused the distance. The best approach is to talk prior to holidays in order to plan for them. Most of the times when there’s a breakdown around holiday expectations it’s because expectations were made without discussions being had. Save yourself the stress and just go ahead and have the conversation. Even if you get news you don’t want to hear at least it’s better than hearing nothing at all.
It seems like every time I come home, I find some fundamental difference between myself and my parents. In the past, these differences would have bothered me, gravely disturbed me even. But I’m trying to grow and understand that people I love don’t always have to agree with me. I can’t lie though, these drastic differences in the way we see the world do catch me off guard sometimes.
This year, my sister and I shared with my mother that we wanted to purchase grills for the bottom row of our teeth. Nothing permanent just something to slip on when we go out or when we’re trying to stunt. Personally, I’ve always liked the “trillness” a grill can add to your mouth. And even more than that, I understand that Black folks have a special relationship with gold that goes back at least a millennium. Kanye said it best, “It’s in a black person’s soul to rock that gold.” Honestly, a very large part of me views the wearing of gold, in any place, as a link to our African ancestors.
I had a suspicion that my mother wouldn’t feel the same way, even though my grandmother, her mother, wore a gold crown on her tooth. But I didn’t know she would take it so seriously.
At first when we told her about it, smirking at her disgust toward the idea, I didn’t think she was so affected. It wasn’t until later, perhaps after she’d thought about it some more, and came back to discuss it, that I realized she was really in her feelings.
“…With these grills…what if you’re out and you’re talking to a man and he sees those things in your mouth and it turns him off?”
I told her then obviously he’s not the man for me.
She let it go, then.
Later though, when my cousin came over to visit she shared the news of our desire for golds with him and most likely asked him to try and dissuade us from purchasing them. He said he understood my mother’s point, that men might judge us unfairly for having them in our mouth. Again, I said that judgmental, uptight man wouldn’t be the type of man I’d be interested in speaking to, more less dating.
But now I was really shocked and surprised by her reaction. She was so against the golds that she had to solicit the help of my cousin? Once he left, my sister and mother went to the mall. My sister came back and told me she saw a kiosk where they made grills. And I asked her if she went over there to see how much they charged. She, within earshot of my mom, said she didn’t because she didn’t want to upset her.
In an attempt to be dramatic, I asked my mother why she was so hurt by this.
“I really am.”
“I just really think that some men will judge you unfairly and won’t want to associate with you because you’re wearing that in your mouth. It sends the wrong message.”
Here was this “man” again.
“Mom, I can’t live my life trying to please some hypothetical man.”
“Well, you all are going to do what you want to do so…”
I don’t know if my mother was using this “man” to try and scare us or what but it was actually having a very different affect. Instead it was making me question her.
This conversation just took a very odd turn. What did grills have to do with repulsing a man?
I’ve had hairstyles my parents hated–and they let me know that they hated them. And I’ve bought accessories and clothes that my parents hated or didn’t understand and let me know that they hated them. But never have either one of them ever made some type of comment about a hairstyle, outfit or an accessory turning a man I might meet, off. And that, more than her distaste for the grills, troubled me. It was just wasn’t on par with any of the other messages I’d received from her.
When we were growing up– and even as recent as this week–we were told, implicitly and explicitly, that our lives were about more than finding, getting and keeping a man. We were told to have our own, live and do what we want now, while we don’t have the responsibilities of properly loving a romantic partner or raising children.
We weren’t taught to make trivial or even major decisions with men in mind… not until we were married. And even then, some things he just won’t have a say over.
I can’t understand how the mere conversation about a removable mouth accessory would change all of that.
Perhaps my mom might have had a lapse in judgment. Or maybe now that we’re in marriage/childbirth years she thinks our philosophy should be a little bit less rigid. But my sister and I both agree, that’s just not going to happen. They taught us better than that.
From Single Black Male
At this point I am less than a week from my 26th birthday. 25 was a fun year, a progress year. I expect 26 to be more of the same just with some bigger moves to be made. It was my own bright idea to share with my SBM family some thoughts I have and lessons I’ve learned as I begin to enter my 26th year on this here earth. Consider it my last piece of coherent writing prior to Hennypalooza this Saturday, as that is my birthday as well. Check out the following let me know of your own lessons you’ve learned about the opposite sex as you’ve aged:
Men and women are inherently different.
I’ve accepted that men and women will speak different languages on some things. It makes no sense to really be angered by this anymore. I accept how we can be different, I try to be understanding of it all.
Nice guys sort of finish last.
Nice guys really don’t finish last. There’s someone out there for everyone. Someone will dig most aspects about who you are. It can take a while, it can take a long while. These things don’t run on our time. In between relationships, you owe it to yourself to put your energy into bettering yourself and your situation. That positive energy will be rewarded at one time or another. But what won’t be rewarded is bitching about nice guys finishing last. If you run the same play and the defense has figured it out, change the play. It’s that simple.
Good morning texts count.
Now I don’t think the success of your relationship hinges on your ability to send timely good morning text. I do think that good morning texts help. In my early twenties I was horrible at sending those things. I’d get an earful sometimes because someone might not hear from me til maybe 2 p.m. That was just how I was back then. I’m sort of the same way now. I wake up and immediately start getting breakfast,freshening up and getting ready for my day. Many times I’m not really texting anyone. As I got older I used the morning commute to send my good morning text. It’s a nice gesture that she’ll appreciate. It doesn’t hurt, if you can do it make sure that you do.
Read more about women, men and their differences at SingleBlackMale.com
From Single Black Male
The other day I had a conversation with a close friend and the topic of conversation came up of whether you ever move on from your ex. Not the ex that was a dirtbag but the exes that you have that you really cared about. I told her in summary that you really don’t move on from that experience what you do is you accept that you are no longer together.
That doesn’t mean that you always hope that you get back together one day. What it means is that when you care about someone you don’t lose those feelings. You can’t move past it all you can do is accept the circumstance. There’s growth in that realization. That’s the growth that you need to be able to encounter new people and accept the challenge that comes with a new mate.
I think at times we’re so obsessed with moving on that we haven’t figured out that moving on is not required. What you should want to take away from a situation is that you learned something about yourself and about that relationship. You may have learned what you like in a significant other or what you don’t like but you’re willing to tolerate.
I’ll always tell people that I will never regret about 99% of the people I’ve dated because if I did I would have to conclude that I don’t know how to pick them. What I know is that I have tried and sometimes it didn’t work out. I didn’t move on; treating each relationship in my life like a ball game doesn’t sound right. I take all that with me as I move forward. Some people call it baggage and I don’t think it qualifies as baggage unless you only take away the negative. I take away all the positives that come with a relationship ending and the potential of a new one beginning.
That’s important because failure is what scares us the most. It makes us stay in situations way too long and it sometimes relegates us in situations that we should never be a partied to. I have struggled with that myself in relationships, do I stay or do I leave? It’s a question that I grapple with all the time.
Read more about why you should move on from past relationships at SingleBlackMale.org