All Articles Tagged "dating"
What’s the best way to get back at an ex? These celebs would suggest showing him exactly what he’s missing with your post-breakup body.
Some women prefer to date older men because there is an assumption that they are wiser and more grounded in life. One 24-year-old woman I conversed with believes that they are more powerful and aware of such power, well-established, and are more likely to know what they want from a woman. Some men prefer younger women because they are perceived as more fun and “trainable.” For some men who wait until later in life to settle down, they believe there are perks to doing so with a younger woman. One 37-year-old man I talked to thinks that dating a woman in her late 20s will give him a better chance of still having the children he wants without the rush factor that a lot of older women come with. Some men date older women due to the assumption that there will be fewer expectations and more maturity while some women prefer younger men because both parties aren’t looking for anything serious.
A 2013 U.S. Current Population Survey on the “Age difference in heterosexual married couples,” revealed that 33.2 percent (the majority) of husbands and wives in the U.S. have a year difference in age. The percentages got lower and lower as the age gap widened. Despite the so-called perks that come with dating older or younger, most people settle down with someone closer in age. So in conjunction with all the dating assumptions, expectations, lack of expectations and dating preferences, does age really matter?
According to an article published by The Guardian, Danish researcher Sven Drefahl found that “the key to a longer life is to marry someone the same age, if you’re a woman.” His research showed that women who dated men older and younger than them decreased their lifespan while men, on the contrary, had a higher mortality rate when dating a younger woman.
Psychology Today published an article in 2014 about a dating trend that is being used as the deciding factor on the minimum and maximum age of your partners. This trend is called the “Half your age plus seven” rule where you divide your age in half and add seven to determine how low you should go when dating someone younger than you. On the contrary, when finding the maximum appropriate age for dating, you must subtract seven from your current age and multiply that number by two. But how effective is this rule? As a 25-year-old, my minimum dating age is 19.5, which I’m just not here for. My maximum age would be 36, which isn’t too bad, but based on the assumptions and beliefs that were made in the beginning, and on my own experiences, I don’t believe age is important. Here’s why.
I’ve dated a man near 30 who was still trying to figure his life out and had no idea what he wanted from a woman, so he sure wasn’t looking to settle down with one. I’ve dated a man near 40 who was just as clueless and unestablished. I’ve dated a guy who was my same age, and while things lasted for a while, we ultimately realized we wanted two different things. I’ve dated younger and have found that some young men are way more mature than older men. Even though there may be some truth to the statistics and stereotypes, I do believe that measuring someone’s level of establishment, maturity level, and direction in life goes way beyond the factors of age.
I never lied to a man and told him I wanted to be with him when I didn’t. But I will admit that I never bothered to disclose that I had no interest in him in not just the present, but the future as well.
To me, I was honest. I would tell the poor guys that I just wanted friendship at that particular moment. I would continue to hang out with them despite their intense feelings for me (not just for free meals before you begin to assume and judge). It was usually because I enjoyed the company, though in a platonic way. Nonetheless, they thought there was hope for us. I thought I was being upfront and honest in my own way, but after a similar situation happened to me, I received the wake-up call I needed. I realized that, for years, I was the queen of leading men on. When the tables turned, so did my way of doing things.
What most fail to realize is that although you may verbally state your feelings, if your actions prove otherwise, you’re still being somewhat deceitful. I didn’t get that, until recently. Before my revelation, one of my best friends would argue me up and down over what she considered a selfish notion, stating that I subtly gave men the wrong impression. My justification: I always told them I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Her rebuttal was always something along the lines of “If you don’t want to be with them, and they want to be with you, why hang out with them?” For a while, I offered several reasons that I believed were justifiable. She never agreed. It took years of me uttering the words “let’s just be friends” to several guys before I finally accepted her point of view.
While dating a man who told me that he didn’t want a relationship, I allowed myself to spend most of my time with him. He wanted to hang out, and so did I. I’d heard what he said about not wanting to be in a relationship; and at the time of his statement, I accepted it. After all, I didn’t necessarily want to be in a relationship either. But then my feelings changed. I wanted more than a platonic encounter. I expressed this. He, however, still felt the same about changing his relationship status. He had no problem stating it. Still, he continued to pursue a friendship with me and often asked to hang out. For the record, these were not sexual encounters. We went almost everywhere together and spent most of our time on the phone when we were not in each other’s presence. The communication was everything I wanted from a man, but the problem remained the same: He didn’t want a relationship, at least not with me.
“So why is he wasting your time?” my friend asked. I defended him by reminding her that I was grown, and he had been upfront with me. Her stance on the subject remained the same even though I was on the other end of the situation this time around.
For a while, I justified our relationship. He verbalized his disdain with commitment and wanted us to simply be friends. I understood. Then my understanding turned into anger. If he knew how I felt, why did he “allow” us to spend so much time together? Why did he make it a point to ensure that I was in his life, at least for the moment? If he didn’t want to be with me, why was he wasting my time? Suddenly, I realized how some of the men in my past must have felt. At that moment, I vowed never to lead anyone on again, though it was never my intention to do so in the first place.
Still, my feelings vary on the issue. Ultimately, you decide who you hang out with, what you allow, and how much time you invest in a person. So is it really leading someone on when feelings are verbalized but actions say something different? While my shattered ego says yes, the responsible adult in me allows room for self-accountability. I would argue that I, like many of the guys I’d hung out with in the past, had chosen my own relationship fate. You live and you learn.
Where do you draw the line?
I recently hung out with a group of girlfriends I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I’d like to say that it’s because we’re all busy, but I suspect the main reason we don’t see each other often anymore is because I’m a married mother of a 19-month-old, and they are single and childless. Time is a luxury for me these days, so I was grateful to get the opportunity to catch up with my girls.
As usual, those ladies that were single lamented about their nonexistent relationship status. “Where were all the good guys?” “Why do they all live with their mama or have multiple baby mamas?” “How come they don’t have great jobs or make a lot of money?” I quietly sat there listening, not missing any of my single days. However, the more I listened, the more questions formulated in my head. “What constitutes as a great job?” “What is ‘a lot’ of money?” After all, those things are pretty relative, so I was curious to learn what types of guys they were attracting and why they felt these men weren’t good enough.
One friend said, “The doorman in my building asked me out on a date. Can you believe it? Like I’d date ‘the help’.” Suddenly, I began to understand why some of these women were still single.
“What’s wrong with the doorman?” I asked.
“Uh, he’s a doorman,” she responded, as if the answer was obvious.
I followed up by asking if it was just doormen she was against, or any man who was in a service/customer service type of job. After all, “the help” is not limited to doormen, maids, butlers, janitors or any other job that reminds her of “slavery” (her words, not mine). Service industries also include positions within sectors such as hospitality, sales, public health and any other position where your responsibility is to service or be of service to other people. But because those were still considered service industry jobs in a sense, were they too deemed not respectable? “Would she not date a man in any of those fields?” I thought to myself.
My friend told me that I wouldn’t understand because my husband works in radio–a glamorous gig in her opinion. However, I reminded her that he is also a truck driver and still drives trucks during the week when he’s not blessing the mic on the weekends. She seemed stunned, but I couldn’t tell if it was because she was surprised he was a truck driver or because I married him. In her mind, a corporate manager working in television has no business dating, let alone marrying, a man who gets dirty and drives trucks for a living. So, the question is: Does a man’s job really matter when determining if he’s Mr. Right or not?
I understand yhat some occupations can give you a glimpse into what type of characteristics a person has. For example, nurses can automatically be perceived as nurturing while teachers or nannies certainly must love children. And one would think that a person who works in a service industry likes dealing with and helping people. But for others, a job is just a job–a means to a paycheck and nothing more. I once dated a high school teacher who despised teenagers. I also dated a doctor who had no bedside manner and a cold personality. Sure, he could definitely heal you, but he was also a jerk. My best friend’s husband can be described as a ferocious, cut-throat attorney, but he’s a teddy bear at home with his family.
But don’t get me wrong, I realize that if a woman is interested in a man who is ambitious, responsible and has the ability to provide for himself or a family, his job might indicate to her if he has any of the attributes she’s looking for. Even still, his nine-to-five might only be a small indication of what type of person he is. That is, if you don’t do some investigating. Yes, he may be a doctor or a lawyer, but he might also be mired in debt because he doesn’t manage money well or has thousands of dollars in student loans. And some of the most well-off men that I’ve dated in the past were also super stingy. Just because a man has money doesn’t mean he wants to spend it on you or will even offer to.
On the flip side, however, I’ve dated men who made very modest salaries but would give you their last dollar and the shirt off their back if you needed it. Men who hold powerful positions and make a lot of money may be impressive, but their titles and bank accounts won’t tell you if they’d ever cheat on you or be nice to your mother. Certain jobs can’t inform you on whether or not he’d be a good husband or father–only going on an actual date where you can ask questions and get to know him can do that. If you’re the type of woman who dismisses a man because he delivers your packages, then you might be missing out on a great guy.
As my girlfriends wrapped up their dating rant, I reminded them that the type of man they want to date or marry may not come wrapped up in an Armani suit and carry a briefcase. He might get dirty, work for a non-profit, deliver packages for FedEx or even open doors for a living. At the end of the day, I think we all would love to come home to a man that loves his line of work and finds fulfillment in it–one who knows and is serving his purpose in life. A person’s job may not tell you anything really meaningful when it comes to talking about love and life, so next time you exchange smiles with ‘the help’, accept his offer for a date. You might surprise yourself.
What happens to a woman when she discovers that her “Prince Charming” is not her soul mate? How does she recover from the loss she’s experienced and find the strength to move on? Here are a few options to help you do so the right way.
Have you always dreamed about dating a celebrity? The former flames of some big stars shared very interesting stories about what it’s really like.
You can go ahead and label me a prude because this is something I don’t understand. How folks can have an open relationship or open marriage and get in their feelings when someone steps out, I’ll never know.
I found myself talking to a girlfriend about this very topic after “news broke” Will and Jada were headed for a divorce. Obviously, this was as real as folks still claiming to see Tupac, so we didn’t give that rumor mill much thought. However, a person who did come up was a mutual friend that we’ll just call Candace for the sake of trying to keep things kosher.
Out of the three of us, Candace was married the longest but had no children. Both she and her husband can’t stand them on the regular and wanted to fund their vacation account instead of future college needs. Some might think that goes against the grain of what’s expected in a marriage, but for Candace and her guy, it worked. They are anything but traditional.
Now I do my best not to judge (that’s a lie, sometimes I don’t lol), but it took some getting used to Candace and her ways. You see, she and her husband might have been married for eight years, but more than half of that time was spent as an open relationship. I’ll never forget asking her about her arrangement because to me, it didn’t make a bit of sense.
“Soo when you mean ‘open,’ it’s like one of you will be faithful until there’s someone you meet you want to smash?” I asked.
“I mean if you put it that way, yes,” replied Candace.
Before you come for me I need to tell you that she is the one who talks about her marriage. I’m so thankful to have my little Martin and Gina situation going strong (eight years together, three years married and two babies…Jesus!) given everyone in my family is divorced. While I do close my lip about folks’ relationships, there was something interesting about Candace in her setup. We have that kind of dialogue where it’s OK for me to ask questions. I might be the loud one out of our group, but when it comes to love and relationships, just call me Charlotte from “Sex and the City.”
Personally, I don’t understand why people get into open arrangements. I guess if you want to justify cheating — or completely remove it from the table so you can stay together — it might make sense.
Well dear Candace isn’t talking much about her marriage theses days.
They’re headed for divorce.
Remember that conversation I was having with my girlfriend about Will and Jada? Well, around that same time I noticed it had been days since we spoke to Candace about the ending of her marriage. Given I no longer live nearby to pay her a visit, I felt a bit helpless about the entire thing. The girlfriend I was speaking to has zero sympathy for her and oftentimes will tell her, “you brought this on yourself.” Sure I could kick a person when they’re down, but I just don’t think it’s right. Candace always knew what I thought about open relationships and how they can come to bite you on the butt, so why rub salt in an already messy wound?
Apparently, she found out her soon-to-be ex husband was messing with the same girl that ended up starting a new relationship on the side. I assume it was OK for them to mess around with other people so long as there were no feelings, but how can you guarantee something like this doesn’t happen?
I guess you can’t.
Thinking about open relationships and marriages made me take a look at my own situation. With the divorce rate so high, is this one of the reasons why couples remove the exclusive label from their union? Does everyone cheat so much that you now need to be OK with extra people having access to your spouse? Should people who constantly forgive a cheating spouse consider themselves to be in an open relationship?
The fact that I have all these da*& questions further lets me know an open relationship just isn’t where it is, at least not for me.
Honestly, I don’t think you can really get mad at someone for doing something you deemed OK, right? Rather than have an open relationship — and possibly bring STDs and other craziness into your life — it might be better to just stay single.
Being back on the dating scene, I have heard some variance of the phrase “I am looking for a husband” many times. Theoretically, it makes perfect sense. Almost everyone I have dated is north of thirty; and if not, it’s right around the corner or next door. This is around the age when people typically begin to settle down. Personally, I love a woman who knows what she wants and lives by the mantra that you should “begin with the end in mind.”
However, whenever the “I’m looking for a spouse” phrase comes up –almost always in casual conversation — I immediately think to myself Yep, that mindset may play a role in why you’re single.
More often than not, people who have been married and divorced or widowed don’t see things that way. Whether it worked out or not, one has completed courtship. They could have been lousy husbands or wives. However, they have met someone, had the chance to get to know them, dated, and in time, were convinced that they should spend their lives together. They know how to do it; it’s just a matter of when and who they align themselves with.
Second, one is already starting off in the hole. This mindset connotes that you’re using tunnel vision. There are expectations, “checklists” of things that one is looking for that aligns with what they like or dislike, etc. One can’t possibly see someone from an objective standpoint with all that in the back of their mind. Because you’re not looking with an open mind, you’ve already eliminated many possibilities.
I say this all of the time: Men are bloodhounds. There is something in our wiring that just knows certain things based on a vibe one is giving off. Insecurities might as well be tattooed on foreheads. I want to say it’s the equivalent to women’s intuition. We already know. So saying the phrase “I’m looking for a spouse” is the equivalent of saying to someone “I want to have sex” on the first date. Duh! Nine times out of 10, you’re dating someone you’d consider having sex with. We get it.
However, actually saying it is a huge turnoff. There’s no subtlety, no chase. It would just throw everything off, and all parties involved will be keeping that in mind whenever they are around each other.
I don’t think “I’m looking for a spouse” is a terrible way of thinking. It’s a fact for many. It’s just that flawed. The approach is the opposite of almost everything that being a good spouse really is. “I’m looking for a spouse” is selfish. One is looking for love instead of looking to love. Focus on what you can provide to be the ideal partner to and for someone else, not only what someone else can do and give. What winds up happening is that people will continuously work on becoming and perfecting the best versions of themselves. Then, there will be no need to look because that person will find you.
After reading countless blog posts (usually written by men) on reasons to date a fat girl and 10 Tips for Dating Fat Girls, I concluded that many of these posts barbarize the plus-size woman. They have stripped us of femininity, beauty, and sexiness. Well, it’s time to put these misconceptions and stereotypes to rest. Want to date a plus-size woman? Here are some things you should know.
Dear Single Moms, we know how tough it can be to raise a strong family mainly on your own. When pulling together this list of best cities for single moms we took into consideration the safety of a town, the job market and the community support available. We also included cities where African-Americans are doing well in general. Please feel free to take a deeper dive via our trusted sources cited below.
According to Nerd Wallet, smaller cities top bigger cities when it comes to solo parenting as they offer a more stable (and generally safer) community, a more affordable cost of living, and better transportation. Thus, many of the cities on this list may surprise you.
All images courtesy of Google Free Reuse License.