Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

Steve Harvey might deserve an apology. Okay, maybe not all that, but we can back up off of him for a while and turn our attention to Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. The ladies are the authors of The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, and they are getting ready to tap into women’s insecurities once again with a revamped version of the 1995 self-help book titled, Not Your Mother’s Rules. Here’s just a snippet of some of the things they advised women to do the first time around:

1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other”
2. Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
3. Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
4. Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
5. Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
6. Always End Phone Calls First
7. Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

I don’t really know what be a “creature” unlike any other means, but it sounds a little scary. After these sticklers, the ladies give a bit more practical advice like, don’t date a man, don’t open up to fast, don’t sleep with him too soon, etc., but without even reading the first edition of the book, the idea of having 35 revamped ideas on how to go about getting or keeping a man slightly makes my head spin. It reminds me of a conversation I was having with my best friend once. We were going on, and on, and on, and on about what ifs, should wes, I don’t knows, and a bunch of other extra-ness about some fools who weren’t even worth the time, and eventually I just stopped and said, “it’s not supposed to be this complicated.” In my mind, that’s about the only rule there is when it comes to dating, love, and getting married. When things start to get too complicated in a relationship, particularly too soon, and you wrestle with every decision related to the other person, that’s usually a sign you need to exit stage left.

Don’t get me wrong, there will be complicated situations but when you’re dealing with people, there honestly is no guidebook. Yes, men tend to be simplistic and there are a few basic things they all pretty much desire; however they are not all the same—or monoliths, since that’s the term everyone likes to use these days. You will literally drive yourself crazy and miss out on some opportunities trying to always end a conversation first and not returning someone’s phone call. Men like to chase, but it also doesn’t take them long to see someone isn’t interested (some of them anyway). While you’re playing around, tallying up how many missed calls you have, he’s probably somewhere meeting someone new. Plus, love, romance, and dating are supposed to be rooted in something beneficial being added to your life, not a problem you have to solve or a game you have to play. Nothing about following these rules sounds fun, inviting, or like a situation I’d want to sign up for. I have enough things I’m required to do as a simple American citizen. I don’t need any more.

When I think about this book, I get visions of “Two Can Play That Game in My Head,” you just can’t operate in a play-by-play fashion when it comes to different men and what works for different women. If you want to set some rules, come up with your own—that are realistic and less staunch. I think we call those standards. This right here is just a bit too much. I’d also like to point out the irony that like Steve, Ellen Fein has been married more than once. Wonder how she explained that away? She claimed that after having written a best seller and raising two children, she and her husband discovered they were two different people from the ones who fell in love. Eight years after her divorce in 2000, she remarried and said she followed The Rules to attract her second husband. I bet she did.

It usually doesn’t hurt to read tips or suggestions when we’re dealing with someone new. Sometimes we are genuinely clueless about a romantic encounter or situation and an outsider may have some wisdom to impart to us, but entrusting your entire love life to two women you never met and 35 rules with no room for bending? Nah. The only way I’d follow these rules is if it was some sort of experiment. Life throws all kinds of stuff at you, and you have to be flexible and respond according to individual circumstances—love is no different.

Have you ever checked out the rules? Do you think books like this are necessary?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Tiffany:  Hey Damon, longtime listener, first time caller ‘er something… My man & I got back together about a month ago after a brief break. The first couple weeks back he was telling me he loved me & showing me he cared by giving hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc. without me having to ask. A couple more weeks have gone by, and the affection has pretty much stopped. I’ve brought it up to him that I need more affection, especially since I know he’s capable of it (or at least he was for a couple weeks). He says his feelings haven’t changed & that I’m being petty for wanting more affection. He wasn’t raised in a very affectionate household, so that’s his excuse. Am I stupid to think he will come around again & show me affection like he did when we got back together? All other aspects of our relationship are great, but this ‘petty’ thing is a huge deal for me (and he knows that).

D.Y. This is one of those situations where you have to figure out if the minus of him not being affectionate outweighs the plusses he brings to the table.

Also, if he knows you’d like some more affection and basically calls you stupid for asking him for it, that’s not a very good sign for how he feels about you and your relationship.

Growing up I thought I knew everything there was to know about love, without ever remembering having been taught.

I didn’t want to accept that all men cheat. I didn’t want to have to almost take a bullet or put money in some guys’ commissary to know its love. I lived somewhere in between Bronx Tale and Poetic Justice and developed a love all on my own. But how can I know my love was healthy or true if no one ever taught me?

For a minute let us forget about the big L word and focus on the nuisances of love, what leads to love, the like process, the shacking up (if you choose to), how to make love, how to know that the love you’re making is good, etc. I was taught the ills, the pitfalls, the trickery that can come with love but as far as my momma was concerned, we didn’t need to talk about the good stuff or the many confusing things.

I don’t blame my mom, I love her dearly and in all honesty I don’t think she could’ve taught me because like myself I don’t believe she was ever taught, but why not? Most things in life I’ve learned; language, speech, applying makeup, mathematics but for some reason we think love and a like is a given.

A few months ago I decided to give my boyfriend a key to my place. This took months of scrutiny, though he was only getting the bottom lock; a conversation with my older sister had to happen, nights of anxiety transpired and still I felt uneasy about it. It wasn’t one of those, ‘my intuition is telling me something bad’ but more ‘how do I go about it?’ What does this mean for our relationship? And now that we’re practically living together –something I’ve never done before- how do I (semi) live with a man? Do I wake up with make-up on, a la Whitley on a Different world? Which bills does he pay? He’s offered to pay whichever bill I decide but which do I decide? Do I let him pay any bills at all? These may seem like questions someone younger than myself (flirty thirty) would be asking but I’ve never been in love like this before.

In a perfect world, before I ever met a fella and fell for him, my mom would have talked to me about a few things. We already know she would have covered, shiftlessness, shadiness and his falling short but would she have thrown in a few happy facts for the guy who made the cut? Here’s what I would hope my mother would go over:

1. He’s not always thinking about you- and that’s ok.

This funny thing happened with my man. He had a bad day, a few bad days and came home and made the blanket statement “everything in my life sucks right now.” I was blown, immediately I thought, “really, so my sheer presence isn’t enough to make you happy 24/7?” Yes and no. Yes, you represent happiness in his life but a man is going to have a bad day or few and you can’t fix it and more importantly, it’s NOT about you.

You’ll have to forgive me. As a young lady in her early 20s who has spent a lot of time focused on school and work over the years, I haven’t done a whole lot of dating. Sure, I’ve had a few boyfriends, a serious one or two, but most of those men were friends first. Therefore, there was no “Let’s exchange numbers, go on a few dates, play coy about who was going to call who when, and finally either get booed up or the boot.” The rules and etiquette of the dating game have gone over my head for a good minute, but now that I’m in NYC, it’s something I see that I need to learn thoroughly. So maybe that’s why I wanted your opinion on a certain scenario that happened to me not too long ago…

So, I met this very interesting and pretty good looking guy whose air of confidence and good vibrations was pretty infectious. His mother was Jamaican and his father was Nigerian (Nice mix, right?), and he was tall, dark and handsome. On top of that, he was into writing too, but actually spent a majority of his time as a theater actor in smaller productions. As a transplant to NYC, he reminded me of a starving (though he wasn’t) artist from the movies and TV who could bring dope conversation. And he did. After exchanging numbers, we could talk for hours on end about a little bit of everything. He was one of those “Hey Beautiful, how are you?” type of guys, instead of one of those “Hey” or “Whats gud” types (yes, the error was on purpose..I’ve seen it). I was excited about the prospect of getting to know him better, but I laid out from our very first conversation (let’s say it was a Monday) that my schedule was no joke. I work pretty hard and pretty long on this site, so when the day is through, I’m ready to be through too. Because of that, I asked if we could meet up on Saturday until I could decide whether or not he was worth making some exceptions for during the week (I didn’t tell him that last part of course). He said he understood and agreed, but the reality was, he really didn’t.

In fact, every day for a week this guy called me or text me at work and asked if we could meet up on that specific day: “Hey, I cooked some food, you want to stop by?” “I have a show tonight, do you want to come through and watch?” I don’t mind being spontaneous, but during that specific week, I was working late most of the days of the week. With earlier notice, I possibly could have budged, but because I didn’t know him well enough (and wasn’t comfortable being in his place yet) and because we’d already agreed on Saturday, I politely said thanks, “but I’m still at work.” That excuse was used on on top of the fact that borough hopping after work and being far away from my own home late in the evening also didn’t excite me. Long subway rides when you’re tired suck. But he didn’t get the memo. He kept texting me each day about how he really wanted to see me, and at one point, I felt that I was being pressured rather than being politely asked. I would just say, “Remember, we’re hanging out on Saturday, right? Do you mind if we just wait until then?” He would pretend like he was okay with that. That was of course until Saturday came.

After the last thanks-but-no-thanks, I got the feeling he was perturbed with me. Therefore, when Saturday came around and the hours started passing, I wasn’t surprised that I hadn’t heard anything from him. When I called him, there were no more “Hey Beautifuls” for me, just straight up irritation: “What’s up?”

Oh, okay, I see how it’s going to be I thought to myself…

When I asked him if we were still kicking it or if he had other plans, SURPRISE, he all of a sudden had something come up. A friend that he does theater with needed his help with a screenplay, and for some reason, it became a last minute emergency. I giggled when he told me about his new plan, you know, because it was bulls***,  and in a way that I knew we both would understand, I said, “Okay then, bye.” Bye as in, it was fun while it lasted. Kind of.

Now when I talked to my mother about the situation after-the-fact, she broke down that I probably came off too rigid for him. Because I wasn’t willing to eat pancakes at his house when he asked or stay out late when I had to get up at the crack of dawn for work, I was too stuck in my ways and wasn’t going to be much fun. For a minute there, I could understand what she meant. So for the next few suitors, I tried to make myself more available (although I would show up to dates exhausted…so tired that I would yawn nonstop). But then again, I thought to myself, “I asked him if Saturday was okay, and he agreed that it was!” Keyword: AGREED. As in, Saturday, was what we agreed upon together. However, when it wasn’t anymore (and he didn’t bother to just say that), he decided to try and pressure me every day to do what he wanted to do at the drop of a hat. When he couldn’t understand my reservations about doing so, or my schedule for that matter, he copped an attitude and was too through with my rigid a**. So now I’m trying to figure out if he was doing too much, or if I was doing too little? And oh yeah, us meeting, talking, and falling out, happened in the span of one week…

Should I have tried to be more flexible, or should he have stuck with our original plan?

You never forget your first love. Whether you look back on the experience with fond memories or complete frustration, that person stays with you for a long time, if not forever. Some of us merely reminisce about our first love and appreciate or loathe the experience while others have yet to get over the person who first captured their heart. We took to our Facebook and Twitter pages to see whether or not our followers had truly moved on. Here’s what they had to say…

@virtopia: Just getting over him and he’s been married for close to 4 years now. It’s definitely a process …

@IamKayMarie: I’m over my first love but it took yrs & growth. Just cuz you still have feelings for someone don’t mean you are meant to be.

Tonessa: Yes! He was my first, but not my only. He’ll always be my first love (who I don’t even care for now), but he WON’T be my last/permanent love. His loss, but I’m thankful for it b/c I do want to be happy and I currently am!

I have no proof of this, but I feel like I was one of those kids whose first word was “no.” I’m sure my rapidly developing mind fell in love with the power of it, the shock it induced, the autonomy it expressed. I know this because, to this day, no is still a word I’m particularly fond of. No to correct, no to scold no to decline. I’ll be the first to admit overuse of the word has proved problematic at times. It’s the type of word that erupts, sometimes unexpectedly, even when it’s inappropriate or not the most tactful way to express an idea. It’s a problem I’m working on. But you know where “no” has never–or rarely– failed me?

In the dating game.

“No” in the dating world is a weapon every woman needs in her arsenal. No to the sweaty, no-rhythm-having man in the club, no to the street hollerers, (particularly to the man who asked if he could play in my dreds), no to the guy friends who want something more and most of all, no to the crazies.

I’m overly cautious and slightly paranoid; but quirks aside, I’m always in awe of the number of fruits and nuts there are in this world. Truth be told, we all have our issues and could cross over into the land of mental instability at any given moment. But I’m not talking about us. And I’m not talking about the people who’ve been clinically diagnosed with some type of mental disorder and are able to acknowledge it. I mean the people who are feigning mental soundness, people who would swear on a stack of Bibles, the Qur’an the Torah and Buddha’s fat belly, that they are sane, more sane than you, in fact. They boldly assert their sanity all while hiding deep, dark unresolved issues. Issues that negatively impact every relationship they find themselves in.

The thing about these types of people is that, they’re crafty and sometimes even charismatic. They’ll swoop in and sweep you off your feet, convincing you, at least for a short period of time, that they’ve got just what you need. But it doesn’t take long before someone’s true character rises to the surface. Before you know it, bells, whistles and alarms will be blaring in your ears, warning you that “somethin’, somethin’ just ain’t right.”

This moment right here is crucial. As soon as the alarms sound, you’re left with a decision. Do you heed the warnings and get the hell out of dodge or do you cling to your original expectation or the fantasy of dude, ignoring the vitally important warning signs?

I’m here to tell you don’t ignore the crazy. It’ll get you in trouble every. single. time.

I have a friend who’s the queen of ignoring the crazy. She has a soft spot for broken men. A brotha with minimal education, mommy issues, two children and a dead end job is a brotha who’s been misunderstood in her book. It’s a blessing and a burden, really. She empathizes with the downtrodden. That’s admirable. She often spends exorbitant amounts of time and energy helping them to be better men. And that’s admirable too. It only becomes a problem when said men, in all of their brokenness, can’t appreciate, can’t reciprocate can’t fathom why someone would show them this much kindness. And you know what people do when they don’t understand something? They fear it and since they fear it, they seek to tear it down. Piss on it, as I like to say.

But if my friend is the queen of ignoring the crazy, I’ve got to be the princess. Even I, a woman who considers every potential suitor crazy until proven sane, got caught up and ended up pissed on…repeatedly, actually. Not pissed on in the R. Kelly sense but pissed on in that after spending exorbitant amounts of time and energy trying to help and be there for homeboy, my efforts went unappreciated. And all of this was after much research…much research. How did this happen? I know I didn’t ignore the crazy!?! Naw, I didn’t ignore the crazy. But I sure as hell rationalized the brokenness. Every issue that set off the alarms I mentioned earlier, I excused, pressed the snooze button, assumed they weren’t that big of a deal or that they’d get better with time. Some of them did but a lot of them did not and ultimately I ended up paying for it.

So if you’re reading this piece, squirming uncomfortably in your seat, you’ve probably already heard the alarms and seen the red flags. This article is another one. You can choose to ignore it but don’t be surprised if you end up pissy.

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How many times have you heard someone say, “If you would stop dating losers/thugs/triflin’ men/bad boys/etc. you wouldn’t have so much trouble in relationships?” Well now you can tell those people it’s not your fault you don’t know how to pick ‘em, it’s your hormones.

That’s the conclusion of a new study from the University of Texas at San Antonio and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Kristina Durante, one of the researchers, says that during ovulation our hormones confuse us into somehow thinking a man with no potential actually has some.

“Under the hormonal influence of ovulation, women delude themselves into thinking that the s[w]exy bad boys will become devoted partners and better dads. When looking at the s[w]exy cad through ovulation goggles, Mr. Wrong looked exactly like Mr. Right.”

If PMS can also make eating an entire tub of ice cream seem like a good idea during ovulation, I suppose this is possible too. The researchers came to this conclusion by asking female participants to view online dating profiles of either fine or reliable men during periods of both high and low fertility. When asked to predict likely paternal contribution from the prospective partners close to ovulation, the women thought the attractive men would contribute most, meaning they’d be better dads.

To back that up, a second study was conducted where actors played the role of bad boy or reliable dad, and researchers found the same thing. If a woman started out dating a guy she knows is no good, at some point—during ovulation—she’ll be under the impression that he’ll make a good long-term partner. What’s funny is that’s only true when the woman is referring to her own partner.

“When asked about what kind of father the s[w]exy bad boy would make if he were to have children with another woman, women were quick to point out the bad boy’s shortcomings,” Durante said. “But when it came to their own child, ovulating women believed that the charismatic and adventurous cad would be a great father to their kids.”

That I can believe. We all have a tendency to think a man is going to be different for us than he is with any other women, and most times we’re wrong. This finding may not help you figure out why you’re attracted to bad boys the other three weeks out of the month when you’re not ovulating but there is at least one takeaway here: don’t date while you ovulate.

Do you think this study really explains the bad boy attraction?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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It’s been said that love is a dangerous necessity, a world class mystery.  No one is its master. Perhaps one can suppose that as doctors practice medicine and as attorneys practice the law, that individuals merely practice love.  As people hop in and out of relationships in search of love, it can certainly be said then that there is no one right way to behave in a relationship.  But while we acknowledge that no cookie cutter formula exists and that no absolute, definitive road to successful relationships has been paved, let us not be remiss in thinking that there are not approaches to relationships that we can absolutely and definitively file in the dead wrong department.

I’ve listened a lot lately to people speak about their relationships.  And while I, frankly, am much more comfortable in the platonic lane these days, I love love.  It creates great joy in my heart to see people who truly desire to be in committed relationships hopelessly and effortlessly in real love with people they’ve entrusted their hearts to.  As such, I’ve been struck by how frequently people are admitting that they remain in relationships not out of love but out of fear—fear that although they are not truly happy, that what they currently have just might be as good as it gets for them.

Some women remain with men who they aren’t excited about because they treat them well and have the ability to be great providers for their families.  Some men remain with insecure women who lack emotional maturity because they possess all the physical attributes that keep them visually and physically stimulated.  I’ve had women admit that there isn’t much compatibility between them and the man they’re dating, but say, “But I’ve never had anyone treat me this well before.”  I’ve also had men admit that it is hard to get past their woman’s childish and insecure ways but say, “But I’ve never had a woman who was on my level professionally AND came in a package that looked like this before.”  These same men and women have been extremely apprehensive to walk away from relationships that really aren’t working because they’re afraid that they may not be able to find the highly desirable traits they have in their partners with other people.

I certainly understand that there are those who come along and break the mold.  They are game changers, and once the game’s been changed, there really is no going back.  But ladies and gentlemen, we have to acknowledge that the mere fact that someone is a good catch does not always make them a great catch for us.  You can’t hold on to someone because they are the best you’ve had so far and you’re afraid that you won’t find someone comparable if you let them go.  Well, you can, but you probably shouldn’t.  Happiness is paramount, and if you aren’t truly happy…you can’t force it.

I am a firm believer that people can have whatever it is they believe they can have.  If you believe a person that you really should leave is the best you may ever have, it’s likely you’ll never have better.  But imagine what possibilities would exist if you’d rather choose to believe that if you had it once, you can have it again…and maybe even better?  Imagine who could come into your life if you’d simply change your perspective?  Instead of having the attitude that you may be losing out on a good thing, use your experiences with this man or woman as proof that people like him or her do indeed exist and that they happen to be attracted to you.  Although your current relationship won’t last, you know now that a relationship with a man who treats you extremely well is possible.  Or, you recognize that your bad chick game has just been upgraded.  You can rest in that and move on with joyful anticipation of what is to come.

When you find the person who truly melts your butter, we’ve agreed and voted that you make your own rules in your practice of love.  But, let’s agree right now that this whole staying in relationships because you’re scared of the what-ifs business is wack and should be filed away in the dead wrong department we talked about earlier. Why? So you can give yourself a chance to truly be happy.  Pinky swear?

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From YourTango.com

If you are dating someone who has a strong preference for textual communication, you know how frustrating it can be when all you want to do is hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Thankfully, YourTango Experts is here to help.

In this video, dating coach, matchmaker and YourTango Expert Julianne Cantarella offers advice about what to do when your man opts to text you even when the occasion warrants a more personal form of communication.

“The way you get it to stop is by setting precedence from the beginning for no texting,” says Julianne. “Texting can create a false sense of intimacy allowing you to believe that you’re in an exclusive relationship when you really aren’t.”

Watch what this expert has to say about this subject at YourTango.com.  

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Anybody else missing “Awkward Black Girl” these days? Well, if you are, there’s a new web series that brings the laughs and is chock full of talented black actors and actresses. It’s called “Black and Single,” and if you’re one or both of those things, I’m sure you’re low-key very much interested. Don’t get it twisted though, “ABG” and “Black and Single” don’t have much in common other than the fact that they’re both hilarious.

“Black and Single” follows young men and women trying to navigate the dating scene in Atlanta. In fact, here’s the actual premise:

“Black & Single is a web-series that follows the lives of Oni and Jesse. Two young, single and black professionals that work in the same office building and are seemingly perfect for each other. There is one problem. They never meet. They intersect each others lives at hilarious and various moments while searching for love when true love passes them by every day unwittingly. Will they ever meet? Only time will tell.”

Both characters encounter real issues with their prospects just like everyday people (this guy’s crazy, that guy lied about how he looks, this one’s already got a woman…make that a crazy baby mother) that makes the results all the more hilarious. There are two episodes right now, new ones drop bi-weekly and the third premieres on May 21 if you’re interested in continuing to follow the series. Each episode is less than 15 minutes so far so it will be a great watch for that late lunch break…or if you’re just really feeling ratchet about your workday, you can just watch them now.

Just don’t tell anybody I said that.

But seriously, I was pretty impressed and it takes a lot for me to find something funny. Plus, the writing was actually very well done. Check out episode one here and the other via their YouTube channel and let us know your thoughts!

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