All Articles Tagged "dating"
My mother owns her own daycare. So she has a lot of very real conversations with parents about their children and their needs. In one of these conversations, perhaps about diaper rash or circumcision healing…or whatever, she said the word penis to one of the mothers.
My mother thought nothing of it but judging by the woman’s reaction, you would have thought she cursed her out.
The woman, a mother well into her thirties, shuddered before asking my mother, “You use that word?” My mother is revered for her frankness…and calling people out for their foolishness.
“…Oooh I can’t even say it…”
“You mean penis?”
“Yes. I just could never say that word.”
Later, when my aunt, my mother’s business partner, heard the story, she said “But I bet she puts her husband’s all up in her mouth.”
That’s the keep it real side of my family.
And as you might imagine, we were taught the proper anatomical terms when it came to speaking about our body parts…and even their functions. From potty training age, my sister and I used the word urinate. Point is, while my parents and extended family members had crude or comical nicknames for genitals, we only learned those after the proper terms had been ingrained in our minds.
So, it was always odd to stumble upon people who didn’t use these terms. I dated a man who, for the first few years of us actually getting to know each other, laughed hysterically, any time the word penis was said aloud.
Though he eventually learned to use the word, in retrospect, his inability to say penis was symbolic of some other maturity issues.
Which brings me to the point at hand. There are some behaviors that may masquerade as odd, insignificant quirks. But nah. Some “quirks” are glaring, red flags.
And if you don’t believe me, you need to look no further than this clip of Rich Dollaz during a recent, radio interview, captured by The Shade Room. He was addressing the rumors that he had sex with fellow “Love and Hip Hop New York,” costar Diamond Strawberry.
If you can’t watch the video right now, Dollaz, with a straight face, says:
“I’m going to tell you what the truth is…but it’s “Love and Hip Hop’s” job to leave it up for the imagination. So I’m not mad at them, but I’m going to tell you the truth and I did not have sex with Diamond Strawberry in the bathroom, contrary to what the world may think. And I wouldn’t lie on my pee pee.”
The room explodes in laughter at hearing a man, in his forties, refer to his penis as “pee pee”…but in the 15-second clip Rich sits there with that same adamant look, still arguing his case.
In fairness, this was only an Instagram clip and perhaps Rich doesn’t make a habit of using the word “pee pee.” Still, the fact that he chose to use it in a room full of men, as if the words don’t immediately elicit images of microscopic man meat, seem to suggest it’s a pattern.
I’m ashamed to say that I used to think Rich was kind of cute. (I really liked the way he expressed his passion for Olivia and wanting her to succeed in her career.) But as the seasons of “Love and Hip Hop” progressed, dude just got worse and worse. He was sleeping with everybody, trying to sabotage all of Erica Mena’s attempts to leave him alone and he mixed business with pleasure one too many times to even front like he was actually about his paper. And that was just his behavior on the show; in real life, he’s so behind on child support, he’s been arrested for it…twice.
If you ask me the fact that Rich calls his penis “pee pee” and is acting like a little boy out here in these streets are directly correlated.
Ladies, be forewarned; if your man can’t say penis, or vagina for that matter, jog, sprint, run or dash away! You’re dealing with a child.
In the first episode of Ask a Black Man we got to the bottom of what makes a man a man, now we’re talking to the men about what makes a girl a wife. Okay, not explicitly, but we are delving into the dreaded convo of dating expectations and what men are looking for when they date and how they match up to women’s “high standards.” We’re also talking about pet peeves and what makes a man decide a woman is “the one.” Watch and weigh in on the episode on the comments section below.
To see all the footage from Ask a Black Man, click here.
After a very public and sad breakup, Ciara ushered in the New Year as a single woman. With her focus back on her music (and motherhood), she released her latest single, “I Bet,” which talks about infidelity in a romantic relationship. There has been speculation as to whether or not the song was a diss to former fiancé, Future, reportedly cheated on the singer. But before such reports surfaced, Future was Ciara’s “king.” In a recent interview with The Breakfast Club, Ciara spoke about the end of her relationship with Future and whether or not she thought she fell in love too fast with her ex. A man she once cried about on camera and referred to as her best friend:
“I think it’s just about going with the flow. I was a person who would be super hard. I would darn near date for a year before going to the next place. For me, I think with life you can’t really call it. You don’t know what a situation is going to be. You can take a year or you can take six months or you can take two. My dad, after knowing my mom for nine days, they were married and they’ve been together for 31 years. You never know. I’m not going to put a time limit on when I can do something. I’ve been experimenting over life, clearly, and I’m still trying to figure it all out.”
GOOD Music singer Teyana Taylor split with boyfriend Brandon Jennings back in 2014 after being head over heels in love with him for four years. The heartbreak was made worse when Jennings started dating Taylor’s so-called friend Tae Heckard soon after, and said that his relationship with Heckard was his first “real” public relationship. After publicly scolding her ex for disregarding what they had, Taylor has since confirmed a relationship with new beau, Iman Shumpert of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Taylor can now be seen lauding her man (and his penis…) on a regular basis on Instagram, crying about him during performances, wearing a chain with his name around her neck. While he hasn’t shown the same level of wild enthusiasm, the pair appears happy together.
Both of these ladies and their relationship habits got me thinking about how women fall in love, noses wide open, and rave about a man who stays doesn’t do the same for them. And while I do think the partners of both of these women did and do care about them, for many women, we fall head over heels in love with someone we aren’t even sure is “in like” with us. We all have that one friend who seems to be on a different date with a different guy every month and each time she believes she has found love or that she’s met “the one.” For the celebrities mentioned, it’s hard to avoid the limelight when establishing relationships, but there is a certain privacy that is important when building a foundation. Like Ginuwine said, “it ain’t none of yo friends business…” There are some days where we want to shout it from the rooftops when we’re falling for someone, but sometimes it’s better to keep some things to ourselves when trying to cultivate a new relationship.
Don’t be so hasty to post the man you just met as your “Man Crush Monday” on Instagram because you two had a connection; it’s only been a month. It’s better to focus on building and being present, rather than posting every date on social media and telling all your friends and family about this mystery guy you barely even know. In this tech age, people have access to all our information via the web and being transparent about our lives seems to be the norm. But are you being a little too transparent? If no one asked, why are you telling?
Naturally, we want to be in love, and we want someone to love us, but there are ways to build a healthy relationship with someone without involving an audience. For the hasty woman, allow him to chase you and uplift you up on a public platform instead of always rushing to do so. That’s not to say you can’t be certain of what you want. But by design, men are chasers. If you chase him, he doesn’t really have any work to do because you’re doing it all.
A good way to slow down is by learning how to contain and channel your excitement in other ways and by keeping your options open. Don’t place all your eggs in one basket when you’re not 100 percent certain of where you stand. By keeping your options open, you stay busy. You don’t have to date a plethora of men, but focus on you instead of focusing too much of your time on him and only him. Keep the conversation flowing and the dates coming, but don’t get too serious if he’s moving at the same pace. That will allow you to gauge how much interest he truly has in you.
I say all that to say, turn off social media and remove the rose-colored shades. That way you can actually see where things are headed, the red flags that may pop up, and if there’s a real connection before jumping the gun on love.
A couple of weeks ago, I was discussing the do and dont’s of my girl friend’s dating standards. Among them were Do’s such as, do open my car door, do send my mom flowers on Mother’s Day and so on. However, one particular do caught my attention.
My girls stated, “Do pay for all of our meals and drinks if you’re out with my friends.” This one was a little bit shocking to me. As a younger sister to 3 brothers, I’m used to being taken care of. They normally pay for the entire meal regardless of who is in attendance. However, it never registered to me that it was a deal breaker for some women.
I experienced it myself first hand when I went out with my girl and her two male friends. They paid for her and just looked at me to pay up. It definitely did leave a bad taste in my mouth. However, it’s not a deal breaker for me.
What if the gentlemen does have the funds to pay for everyone? Should he still break his wallet to impress your friends? The first time out with everyone, yes. But what about the third and fourth time? Should he still be required to pay for your best friend’s meal?
Let’s discuss ladies!
As long as men and women continue to seek companionship with one another, we’ll never run out of questions about dating and the opposite — or same — sex. What there is a shortage of, however, are honest answers about what men and women are seeking and what they’re actually going to get. So, we took to a new group of fellas to ask some of the burning questions we know you want to know for this next edition of Ask a Black Man.
Up top, check out the sneak peek of what’s to come in Monday morning’s raw episode on dating and make sure you tune in April 20 for the full segment on MadameNoire.com.
To see all the footage of Ask a Black Man, click here.
Shanetta: Hi Damon, I know it’s pretty common to hear about women who have a child with a man and can’t let them go afterwards but in my case, the roles are reversed. Between the constant strolls down memory lane, flirting, attitudes whenever I get male attention and the infamous weekly declarations of his love and desire to be with me, (literally almost every week since I became pregnant 3 years ago), it takes a toll. Now the problem is, the day I took the test, he left, packed his things and told me to get an abortion. I didn’t hear from him again until about 2 weeks later. By then, my trust in him was completely destroyed. So finally, my question is, is the fear of becoming a father THAT real to make you leave the one you supposedly love? Also, what do I do when a man goes above and beyond to prove his love for me, but rarely acknowledges our child without my pushing him to do so?
DY: Whether it’s because of nerves, anxiety, or just plain fear, it’s not extremely uncommon for men to freak out about a pregnancy. Of course, not all men do this. In fact, most don’t. But some hear that news and just don’t know how to handle it.
But, there’s a difference between “freaking out” and “breaking up with your girl and telling her to abort the child.” That’s just insane. And badgering you about getting together — while at the same time ignoring his child — takes the insanity to another level. At this point, you just need to tell him that while you’ll need his help in raising your child, the romantic relationship ship has sailed. One baby is enough. No need to be raising two.
“You are the company you keep.” “Show me your friends and I will show you your future.” These type of quotes often replay in my mind when I am doing my “who the hell am I spending my time with?” inventory. I usually try to conduct this assessment at least four or five times a year, or when a life-changing situation occurs. This time, though, it was different. I wasn’t looking at my life, but rather, I was critiquing someone else’s: a guy who was interested in dating me. He seemed decent enough, but the company he kept, specifically the woman he used to date, was a bit questionable. So I questioned him about it.
While it sounds judgemental, it’s important to know who a person spends or has spent the majority of their time around. Here was his situation: he was engaged to a woman who was known to lie, cheat, and even steal. She was known for trying to get over on people, and ultimately he became a victim. Still, he stayed with her for years. This decision told me that either he loved the shadiness, or he didn’t value himself enough to get out of that relationship sooner than later.
Here’s the thing: I am not here to judge how someone acts or who they choose to love. But what I do have to monitor is the people I allow in my life. You do what works for you, but I have to do what works for me.
I’ve dated some questionable guys in my past, and although it took some time for me to get out of the situations (not years like this fella), I eventually started to understand that the people I involved myself with said a lot about my character.
If you’re seriously involved or spend most of your time around people who are disrespectful, careless with their lives, and live free of any real morals or values, what are people going to think about you? Seriously, what do you even think of yourself? Even the most disciplined person eventually inherits traits from his or her environment. And if you’re not careful, you will soon become a product of your environment, aka, the company you keep.
So before I decided to date this guy, I needed to find out where his head was. Basically, was it still in the same place it was when he was ready to marry someone with such questionable behavior? This is not to say that I am better than any of his ex-girlfriends or the friends he currently hangs around, but I am very careful about who I let consume most of my time.
Your relationships, with your man or even with your friends, say a lot about your current state of mind. And while you may not care how others will perceive you because of them, at least be aware for your future. You will soon become who you spend most of your days with. And if you don’t like what’s around you, you’d better change it quickly.
Moms, do you bring home a bigger salary than your man? If you do – is he bothered by that? Do you get the feeling like he’s hating on your hustle because you are the primary breadwinner within your house? Do know – for many men, a woman with a bigger paycheck can play with a man’s ego, and because of that, men often run away from women who appear to be strong, independent, educated, and financially set. Most men have been raised and taught that they should be the sole provider of their household.
But we all know with today’s economy that’s not happening in many cases. In fact, you have a lot of men being stay-at-home dads, but that’s another post. To tell you the truth, I don’t know why men get upset if their woman brings in most of the money. If you are moving as a team, for the greater good, then the only thing that should matter is the bottom line. I tell my fellas all the time that they shouldn’t be upset because their woman is stacking. Honestly, I feel like the more the merrier. Here is my advice on that scenario, if you and your partner are in a committed relationship and are living together, or in some cases separately, come up with a financial game plan so you both can win. No need to run from that – unless you don’t have a vision of how good things could be if you blend your funds.
If the woman got a good job, ask her about her come up and for communications sake, ask her to show you the road map to success. You know what I’ve learned after falling on hard times, and during some of those broke days – if you have a woman who is financially stable, if you ever fall on hard times again, she can and often will hold you down until you get your feet back on solid ground. For instance, I run a few businesses, so when dating, its important for me, at this stage, to find a woman who can bring something to the table, so we can build a stronger family unit. Running a business demands a lot of my money, so it doesn’t make sense for me to deal with a woman who isn’t thinking about the bigger picture, or be able to help us overall. If she makes more while I’m laying down the foundation – we can do more together.
Read more about financial issues in relationships at MommyNoire.com
This series happens once a week. In order to understand what’s going on in the series, be sure to read the column, in order.
Last week, I left you up in the air. Literally. Christopher and I were floating around in the Virginia sky, in a hot air balloon. We decided to leave his mother’s comments amongst the clouds and when we came down, I couldn’t help but feel like I was still afloat.
We spent the rest of the evening driving back to Maryland looking up times for films. I held his hand while he drove and used the other to scroll through Fandango. I finally found one I wanted to see.
“It starts at ten. It’s 9pm now. Maybe we can walk around the area, until it starts?”
Chris looked uneasy, “Erica, that’s kind of late.”
Late? Was he serious? I tried to come up with a reason for why this wasn’t an appropriate hour to catch a film. Did he have to work tomorrow? No, tomorrow was Sunday. Was he tired? No. He’d napped all day, before we hung out. I stopped trying to guess and I asked.
“Why is that too late?”
Chris pulled over, on the highway, the moment I asked. This was quite dramatic and I feared his response, “It just is. I don’t want any issues with my parents.”
“Why would your parents have an issue with that? You’re twenty-six years old.”
“My parents have a curfew for my sister and I. As long as we live in their house we’ve got to play by their rules.”
“Wow. Your father was serious, when he said to be home by 11pm.”
“I’m afraid that he was.”
I turned to face him, I’d been looking out of the window trying to avoid him seeing how frustrated I was, “What kind of grown man has a curfew?”
“One with really overprotective parents. I’m grown, but I still live at home. My family is different, we do everything together. My sister and I would rather have a warm safe place to be, rather than fend for ourselves.”
I could not believe what I was hearing. Chris had a great job, he had a salary and benefits, he owned a car, and even owned a home that he rented out, but he decided to stay home. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had a check-in time.
“Just take me back to my hotel.”
“Erica, don’t be mad. I have to respect…”
“Just take me back…”
“Fine. We’ll see the ten o’ clock movie. I promise it’ll all make sense soon.”
I rolled my eyes and looked back out of the window and he pulled back onto the highway.
Edwin and I were laying on the couch. We’d just finished watching Chef (great movie, it’s on Netflix now) and we were scrolling through the Sur La Table website, on his iPad, to find a cooking class we could take together. We were both into the culinary arts and we’d been toying with the idea. (Peep #rivcooks on Instagram, don’t sleep lol.)
He scrolled through the stores’ locations and tried to pick one that was close by.
“I think the one in midtown is best.”
I looked at the address on the screen and pushed myself up on the couch, “Let’s go out to the one in Long Island.”
“Why? That’s so far.”
I smiled uneasily, “I like that one. It’s nice.”
“They’re all pretty much the same, Erica. Tell me the reason you don’t want to go.”
He touched my face, as he spoke, and I was complete mush. I confessed, “Marsha works in that area and we’re going on a week day…”
Edwin pulled himself up from his comfortable position, too, and looked at me confoundedly, “Are we still talking about this? I thought after your birthday you were done with her.”
“My friends were right about some things, but they’re not there all the time. They don’t know the good things about her.”
He wasn’t convinced, “Like what?”
“She comes out and eats dinner with me after rough work days, we drink wine and just laugh and talk, she’s cool people.”
“That sounds like someone who knows your fridge is always full and your wine collection is stocked. Doesn’t sound like friendship to me.”
I hit him playfully with a pillow, “Stop it. You know what I mean.”
“I don’t know what you mean and I’m not going to tip-toe around your friend. You need to just come clean with her.”
“I have, she didn’t take it well. What else do I do?” (Lawd, as I’m writing this…I’m disgusted with myself.)
Edwin sighed, “I can’t take this anymore.”
He pulled his phone, from his pocket, opened his text messages and started to scroll through them.
“What are you doing?”
He lifted his pointer finger, prompting me to give him a few more minutes. He finally found what he was looking for and handed me the phone.
“Here it is. It’s from a night, about a year ago.”
I immediately knew what night he was referring to. It was the night we’d all met at the dating event, the night Marsha forgot to tell me that she was interested in him. They’d been exchanging text messages that night.
Edwin: Who’s your friend?
Marsha: Who, Erica? We used to work together. I’m showing her around town. She’s young and naive. I’m playing big sister.
(I held my tongue, knowing I’d done far more for her than she could’ve ever done for me. This was my city, I’d brought her here. The nerve.)
Edwin: I see you, big sis. She’s cute though. What’s her deal?
Marsha: She’s a writer and a teacher.
Edwin: Sounds good to me. Introduce me.
Marsha: Do you even have time for this, Mr. Busy?
Edwin: I’ll make time.
Marsha: Wow. Well, I don’t know if she has time for this.
(One second I’m naive little sis, the next I’ve got a packed schedule. Ugh.)
Edwin: Let her decide that.
Marsha: I didn’t know you were into big girls.
Edwin: WOW. Didn’t you say this was like your sister? What kind of comment was that?
Marsha didn’t respond. The next text was flyer for a party, months later, that she’d asked him to go to. I looked up from the texts, I was livid.
“She really said that about me?”
Edwin put away his phone, “I didn’t want to taint your friendship, but I thought you should know. She doesn’t mean well and I think it’s time you see the truth.”
We’ve all heard the claim: black women get married less. And every time you turn around there’s another theory — and it’s never good. Do you believe the reasons, or is there something else going on?