All Articles Tagged "dating"
When two people meet and begin dating, things start out smooth and both parties involved are having a great time. But after a while, when people get to know each other better, feelings grow and they establish a certain level of comfort. It’s during this time that assumptions are often made about the status of things.
Making an assumption about your status in love can be an easy thing to do nowadays because many people are unclear about how to express what their expectations are for a relationship. Communication is big! They also fail to take the time to get to know a person by actually courting them before having sex with them, so people end up struggling to communicate openly and honestly with one other.
Here are a few of the assumptions people are unaware they make while dating because their changing feelings (and loins) have caused them to ignore common sense.
One assumption people often make when dating is thinking that they’re in a monogamous relationship with someone without coming to a mutual agreement. This happens because people want to fulfill their desires for love as quickly as possible, but fail to have the necessary conversations to see whether or not the other party is ready to move forward with them.
The second most popular assumption people make in dating deals with sex. You should never assume that you’re exclusively involved with someone just because you’re sleeping together on a regular basis. Besides, it’s rare that solid relationships are built on sex.
Thirdly, don’t assume because you’ve met a few friends and family members that you’re ‘in.’ While it could mean that you are a strong candidate in his book, it doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s where things stand.
This next assumption is one for anyone who’s currently dating: Never assume that you’re the only person they’re seeing unless you’ve agreed to exclusively date. In today’s technology-obsessed world, people often befriend or follow a new love interest on the low, so just because you haven’t seen another prospect doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. Always be clear on what it is you both are doing and don’t feel like you can’t date other people.
One final assumption that shouldn’t be made in dating is based around terms of endearment. Just because someone calls you “baby,” “bae,” “boo,” “sweetheart,” “pumpkin” or whatever pet name makes you blush doesn’t mean they necessarily take you seriously. Remember that these words are just that–words.
To assume certain things on your own when it comes to where things stand between you and another party can be detrimental to your heart. So while in the dating field, always be cautious and never assume something is going one way because, in reality, it could be going in a completely different direction.
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For and an advocate for single women. Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
This series happens once a week. In order to understand what’s going on in the series, be sure to read the column, in order.
The Best Man, 1999, was another classic. The tale of betrayal amidst friendship and the past interfering with the present. Harper’s novel causes contention with Lance, his best friend.
I thought about this movie, while reflecting on my current situation with Marsha. I could understand if she’d been in a relationship with Edwin or they’d just been on several dates. I might’ve even felt bad if she’d told me that she liked him, when we first met him. However, I found myself not feeling guilty at all. She’d given me permission. Her exact words, the night we saw him spinning, were “go ahead.” It wasn’t fair that I had to leave him alone, because of her sudden realization.
For the next few weeks, Edwin and I spent time together on and off. He was a pleasure to have around: great conversationalist, intuitive, and innovative. When he wasn’t touring, we visited museums, went to local shows, cooked together, and found ourselves avoiding our neighborhood, because Marsha lived nearby.
My birthday was on the horizon and despite the fact that our friendship had been awkward lately, I wanted to have my best friend by my side. I sent a flyer out to all of my friends and Marsha was the first to respond. She wanted to do my makeup and help me pick out a dress for the occasion. (She’d accidentally become my personal stylist, due to my tomboy tendencies.) I obliged and we planned excitedly, leaving our issues behind.
Or so I thought…
On my birthday, after finding the perfect red dress and picking out a great restaurant, we headed home to get my makeup started. She pulled out all of her tools and smiled down at me, every time she applied a different aspect.
I was holding my phone in my lap and it started to vibrate. When she went to check her bag for mascara, I opened my text messages to find one from Edwin.
“Happy Birthday, beautiful! I know you’re hanging with your girls tonight. Do I get to celebrate with you, tomorrow?”
My entire face lit up and I was eager to text back, so eager I didn’t see Marsha hovering over me, looking down on the text.
“Is that Edwin?”
“Um…yeah. He’s just saying Happy Birthday.”
I closed the text, quickly.
“That was a pretty long message. It didn’t look like just happy birthday to me.”
I didn’t respond. I took the mascara from her hand, told her that I’d apply it myself, and made my way to the bathroom.
We didn’t have enough time to delve into another back and forth about Edwin. We were due to dinner. The car ride was silent, filled with the sounds of Hot97 and the GPS’ voice. I hoped that she’d be over it, by the time we sat down to eat.
The restaurant’s ambience was amazing. My friends all waited by the bar, ecstatic when I walked through the door, and we rushed to the host to seat us for our reservation. The night played out just as I planned it. I invited six friends, from all walks of my life: grade school, college, journalism ventures, and educator colleagues. I wrote a speech for each of them and I told them how important they were and how much it meant for me to spend my night with them. We ordered a ton of food and shared the large dishes, because we couldn’t decide on just one thing. (The menu and pricing was shared weeks prior to, so every one could be prepared.) When the check came, my childhood friend, who was now an accountant, was the first to grab it. She always wanted to calculate the bill, whenever we went out to dine.
“We’ll split it five ways, so Erica won’t have to pay for herself.”
I’d already had my card out, but I sure didn’t mind. Everyone nodded in agreement…
Everyone…except…Marsha, “I didn’t agree to that.”
Shana, the accountant, spoke again, “We know you didn’t, we just decided.”
Marsha looked annoyed, “I’d only accounted for myself. I can’t do it.”
Raven, my most outspoken friend, was pissed, “That’s fine, it’s whatever. You pay for what you ordered and we’ll split the rest.”
The entire situation felt uncomfortable. I put my card down, “We’ll split it six ways guys; it’s not that serious.”
I was upset with Marsha too, but I didn’t want this to ruin the night. My other five friends were clearly disgruntled and pushed their cards on the bill, while giving Marsha death stares.
After our dinner, we took pictures outside. There was a bench sitting in front of a well-lit store and Raven insisted that we all take pictures in front, “Let’s all stand behind the bench and have Erica sit on it. Let’s surround her with love.”
Everyone started to gather behind the bench when Marsha finally spoke again, “Why? I want to sit on the bench too. I’d like to be front and center, in this picture too.”
Raven groaned, we had a passerby snap the photo, and four out of six of the women decided not to follow us to the second half of the activities, but to head home.
“We’ll meet you at your house for the sleepover, later.”
Sarcasm: I wonder why.
Marsha’s discontent was clear and she made it no secret. After partying all night long and heading back to my house for a sleepover, which Marsha decided not to attend, I woke up to my entire friend cohort sitting up discussing something.
I yawned and smiled at them, dispersed throughout my living room in socks and comfy wear, “Good morning, guys! Why are you all up so early?”
Shana spoke first, “Yeah. We’ve all decided…Marsha has to go.”
Remember your first overdose on love? Can you recall that high, that fix, and that addiction? Think for a second back to that old neighborhood or crosstown chick or guy that had you so ‘turned up’ and ‘turned on’ that nothing else in the world mattered – tunnel vision at its finest. Yes! You remember that first love that had you feeling emotions that were so damn foreign. Back then, your situation was probably so intense – that your crew felt it, and maybe some were even jealous – hating on your baby banger from the sidelines. Wherever you were, your first love wasn’t far behind. Whatever you were into, your first love was knee deep in the trenches with you – holding you down.
Reflect – the two of you shared everything. In the mix of your union, I’m sure there were hours of sheer laughter. In the same breath, I’m sure during some of those moments – hours of tears. That’s when the jealousy radar was on ten. No one could get next to your baby – or else. Remember coordinating those fly Easter outfits? Remember all the dip 80&90’s pics that you two flicked up? Remember sneaking into all of those matinee comedies, while kissing and fondling in the dark? I know some of you were out there hooking school with your sweetheart – so you could get your smash on. Remember fighting for your love if someone had something super slick to say? I bet you can remember when your ‘ride-or-die’ jumped in too – scars and all. Looking back, you can still remember all of the R&B songs by Guy, New Edition and Troop that reminded you why your babe would be around forever. In your eyes, your first love went hard for the team, and what a damn team you were.
Then life happened….
Plates and glasses started flying. Some of the wildest words flew from your mouths. Then the belittling and condescending games entered. Then someone else caught your attention – because your Bonnie or Clyde was on some bullshit that they couldn’t back down from.
The storybook romance died one summer long ago. And all these years later – you still remember the sting.
Continue reading how to make your ride or die relationship last forever at MommyNoire.com
I think everyone has that one moment, that one time and that one person we look back on and think, “what if?” You wonder if you missed out on a great opportunity, or even the love of your life. If you had only taken that extra step forward, would your life be different?
I feel as though people get this way when they’re reminiscing on past relationships and possible connections–and when they’re lonely. We wonder what our lives would be like if certain people were in them.
But I’m here to tell you that sometimes it’s best that the relationship or encounter didn’t work out the way that you wanted. No, I’m not a psychic. I have no idea of how your past or your future relate. I’m just here to put your mind at ease.
I too find myself thinking back on love lost sometimes. I ponder on what would have happened if I’d accepted that one date, or picked up the phone that one time. Would things have worked out differently for me?
The problem with such thinking is that it creates a very slippery slope that can cause you to get stuck in a world of perpetual “what ifs.” It’s not pleasant. It causes you to focus so much on what you may have missed out on that you end up ignoring the great things in your life right now.
If you think about someone too much because of loneliness or boredom, you may begin to idolize them. You turn their annoying and dysfunctional habits into lovable quirks and only remember all of the positive moments and feelings they stirred up within you.
I get it. Sometimes we need to remember that we are wanted and that we are loved. However, trying to reach back out to that person might not be the best idea. There was probably a very good reason why the two of you didn’t work in the first place.
I’m not sure if you believe in coincidences or not, but I believe that if someone is meant to be in my life, they’ll be there. If I had a chance meeting with someone, or even bonded with them on a Megabus ride from Chicago (true story), I just take it as that: a chance meeting and a pleasant interaction.
It’s not as romantic, but neither is sitting there pining away for someone who is no longer around. All that pining may cause you to miss out on a very real chance to meet someone who is truly compatible with you and meant to be in your life.
Living in the past is very distracting and useless. As I stated before, you only get hurt when you become too preoccupied with what’s behind you.
Instead of wondering “what if,” appreciate “what is,” and use those past moments, memories and experiences as a way to remind you that there is someone out there for you. You’ll meet them when the time is right. Until then, enjoy life, appreciate every moment, and see the silver lining in that missed connection. Yeah, he/she may have seemed like a great person, but they’re not the only great person out there.
Like most of us in various Internet communities across the country, the good people of Very Smart Brothas, were discussing Wiz Khalifa, Kanye West and their recent comments directed at their shared ex, Amber Rose. The article was good (as expected) and generally expressed what I felt about the situation (minus the love I have for Amber Rose). Essentially, Panama, the author of the piece, was arguing that it was super wack for both Wiz and Kanye to attempt to slut shame or berate Rose now that they were no longer with her; especially Wiz, considering Amber is the mother of his son.
Both Kanye and Wiz knew she was a stripper and both decided to date and perhaps love her anyway. But the minute the relationship went sour, all of a sudden her being a stripper was a huge problem. And not only was it an issue, Amber, a woman they had both publicly and repeatedly acknowledged as their lady, was suddenly dirty and unworthy of their time and affection.
But it was in the comment section that I found something I wanted to ask you all, our readers and commenters, about and see if you agreed with the statement: You never know a man until you tell him no.
Now that is interesting.
You might be wondering did Amber tell Wiz and Kanye no? Why yes, yes she did. She’s said that she is the one who broke up with Kanye. That’s a hard no. And in response to his infidelity, she told Wiz no [more] when she filed for that divorce.
But it didn’t just happen with Amber and these rappers. It happens to us, “regular women” everyday.
I believe the commenter or someone responding to her referenced the men on the street who, when they’re trying to holler at you, call you all types of Queens and Goddesses. But the minute you tell that same dude you’re not interested or have a boyfriend, then suddenly you morph into a bitch who was ugly anyway.
Beyoncé even had a song about something like this about a man who flipped when she said they couldn’t have sex. It’s called “Yes.”
Ladies, sing along if you know it:
I said yes to your number and
And yes to you dating me
Yes we can be together
But you got to wait for me
The first time I said no,
It’s like I never said yes.
In the name of fairness and equality, we could say the same is true for woman. No one likes rejection. But men, who have largely been programmed to place much value on their pride and ego, are perhaps more likely to take a bruise to the ego far more personally and lash out because of it.
I was discussing this notion with a man earlier today and he argued that a woman can learn just as much from a yes as she can from a no. Basically, he said you don’t know a man until you see his reaction to all of your responses.
But I still think watching someone when they’re not getting what they want is far more character revealing and informative than watching them when they’re satisfied and content.
But those are just my thoughts. What do you think about the statement? Do you think it applies to men and women equally or does it tend to be more egregious in men due to pride and ego? Share your thoughts.
Sex, sex, and more sweaty sex….Let’s goooo!!!!
Who doesn’t want to talk about getting it popping in the bedroom or the kitchen for that matter, especially if you are in your sexual prime? When does that exactly happen moms – during the late 30’s or early 40’s? If you have that inner freak in you, it’s virtually impossible to get enough of the topic, especially if you haven’t tumbled in those freaky sheets in a while. (For moms who just had a baby, we feel for you – who has the energy?) However, for seasoned moms, sex is a sport that many run to. For hours, you chit-chat with your mommy friends about new erotic sex toys on the market, risque porn videos, and the best positions to get your partner open (missionary or the straddle anyone?)
If you are a newly single mom, it may be hard to tame the sexual urges when you meet a handsome man who is interested in you physically. There are so many fears that hover. Will you perform up to par in the bedroom? Are you flexible to do the wild positions that he demands. (Pssttt…Try yoga) What expectations will he have—does he want you to try oral and anal in the same session? Like men, women want to blow a man’s mind when she hops on it. So there are many questions. If you are a mom back on the dating scene who recently has had multiple partners, the dread lingers – are you moving too fast and are giving up the goodies too quick?
Gain more insight on what men think about sex at MommyNoire.com
For the past few months, I’ve been in a whirlwind of BS when it comes to dating. I was seeing a particular guy for a little while, and at first, we only had minor disagreements. But after some time passed, s**t started to hit the fan. His ex-girlfriend kept popping up in photos on social media anytime we would have even the smallest of arguments. Initially I turned the other cheek to this annoyance because it wasn’t THAT big of a deal to me, and we were just dating. But then I started seeing more and more photos of her at family gatherings and intimate events. They seemed on when we were off. I realized then that it was time to ask the questions I should have asked months earlier.
When we first started dating I asked if he was in a relationship or seeing someone. No and no. I left it at that. What I should have done was probe just a bit deeper. For some, especially men, the lines are blurred when it comes to ‘relationships’ and ‘seeing someone,’ especially when it deals with their exes. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and anger if I would have dug a bit deeper into his status with his so-called ex.
I should have asked him if he was still seeing her, even if he considered it a friendly encounter (which usually isn’t the case). More importantly, I should have asked how long it had been since they’d broken up and if he still had feelings for her. Another good question to ask would have been, who broke up with whom? If he broke up with her, then he may have been over the relationship. If she broke up with him, depending on when they split, he may feel more inclined to go running when she calls.
As it turns out, they broke up over a minor disagreement, one that could have easily been resolved. It’s also one that I think they tried to resolve during the time we were dating. And although he and I spent most days together, when we didn’t, or after we argued, he was off trying to make amends with her. He’s still very much in love with her. And although they’re not officially together, or so he says, they spend a lot of time together when he and I are not on good terms.
My feelings for him, thank God, are fading; but I can’t help but wonder how much hurt I could have saved myself if I would have asked these questions in the beginning. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him, or maybe it was my ego that kept me from considering his ex. Whatever the reason, as previously mentioned, I have been in a whirlwind of BS that could have been prevented if I would have asked the right “ex-factor” questions.
The dynamics of relationships vary, but asking these questions about the past could save a lot of confusion in the future. Ladies, don’t make the same mistake. Probe, even if it seems intrusive. Your heart will thank you in the long run.
This series happens once a week. In order to understand what’s going on in the series, be sure to read the column, in order.
There’s this scene in Brown Sugar where Kelby Dawson and Sydney Shaw make their way down the Brooklyn promenade, after dinner. (An area that’s always been super, erm, Starbucksy.)
The minute I saw the background behind their kiss, I knew instantly where they were. My mother took me to the promenade as a child and pointed out the buildings across the water, telling me the history behind each one. Although I knew nothing of romance then, I knew that I wanted to be there, in that kind of moment or in that physical space, with someone special.
I was infatuated with the perfect timing of everything. The passersby that walked around the pair, the twinkle of the city lights, the corny lines, and the unexpected kiss.
I’d imagine prospective dates this way. I’d dwell on notions of light pecks, hand holding, and love taps. I knew exactly what I was going to say, tried to guess how’d he’d respond, and have it all worked out before the doorbell rung.
Unfortunately, the doorbell, for Christopher and I, was a ringtone meant for him. Chris had asked me to come and see him, but he hadn’t brought it up since. Maybe he’d just been in the moment.
We’d spent three months digitally conversing, with a few phone-calls in between. I’d try to prompt his excitement, to see where he felt like we were.
“I think I’m going to have to come to DC for business in a few days.”
He’d answer nonchalantly, “Oh really? Dope. Where are you staying?”
I mistook this as a soon-to-be invite, “Not sure yet. I’ve got family and friends out there. I might get a hotel. I’m still thinking about it.”
“Hmmm…doesn’t your ex live here too? I hope you’re not staying with him
He was referring to my ex Micah, the main character from my last dating series.
I sighed, “Nope. I’m not staying with him.”
Christopher was so concerned about who I was hanging with and where I’d been, but he seemed to be feigning interest when it came to us being together. He was downright confusing.
Just as I was almost finished with his weirdness, the videos began. I was sitting at work, when one popped up on my phone. It was him, alone in a bathroom, doing his fraternity’s stroll to music. I started laughing so loud I had to cover my mouth, so my colleagues wouldn’t hear.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t used to seeing a stroll. I went to an HBCU and I’d rushed my ass to the side plenty of times, to avoid getting stomped out by some Timberland boots. It was just that it was the first time I’d ever seen someone doing it alone, in a room, on video. At the end of the 2 minutes of what-the-hell-did-I-just-watch, he leaned into the camera, put two fingers on his lips, and made those same two fingers kiss the screen, while he said, “I hope you liked that, baby.”
Trey had become inconsistent.
Other than the random script update in my email, I hadn’t had a real conversation since we went out salsa dancing.
I text him one night, to find out what was going on.
“Someone’s been MIA lately.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy with work and other things.”
I wondered what these other things were. He was speaking the language of disinterest and if that was the case…he needed to be gone, so I could pull someone else on to the roster.
I asked, “So when am I going to see you again?”
I regretted it the minute I pressed send. I hated prompting visits. I wanted to feel wanted. Don’t we all? This type of vulnerability was never easy for me and it didn’t matter how old I got…it never became easier.
He answered an hour later; “We can go over the last few pages of the script later this week.”
I rolled my eyes. One second we were “dating” and the next we were all business. Just as I was about to respond, there was a knock on my front door.
I looked through the keyhole to see a fuming Marsha. Lord. What did I do now?
I answered and she stormed right by me and straight to my living room. I followed her.
“Hello to you too.”
“You said you weren’t going to date him!”
“Don’t play stupid, America! Edwin!”
She was calling me by my full first name. I knew she meant business.
“I’m not. I saw him at a café earlier and…”
“You saw him? I didn’t even know that. He just sent me this text!”
She handed me her phone:
“Listen, I think you’re great, but I’m really into your friend. I’ve always just been a friend to you. Don’t have her thinking that it’s something more than it is. Please?”
I couldn’t hide the shock on my face.
She caught it, “You’re into him, aren’t you?”
I sat down on the sofa, “Yes, I am. He’s a nice guy. You’re talking to so many guys. You didn’t want him.”
“Fine. Enjoy. Have fun. I’ll talk to you later.”
She left as quickly as she’d come.
Everything wasn’t fine. It was clear that she was pissed and she didn’t want me having fun at all.
It’s something we all want, but it’s a rarity.
I visit the promenade often. I think about the years I spent writing on its benches and running on its pavement with friends. I yearn for a day where I’ll walk and witness the other side of the city with someone that finds me as beautiful as it is, at night.
But I’m learning that what you imagine isn’t promised. In fact, it’s usually exactly the opposite. The best things usually come along unexpectedly, out of sync, when we assume we don’t have the time.
I wondered if Trey, Christopher, or Edwin was this unforeseen thing. And then I decided that it was best not to wonder at all.
We love to be all up in Taraji P. Henson’s love life, mostly because for the life of us we can’t understand why the beautiful, talented, funny actress has been single for so long. But just because Taraji hasn’t talked about dating doesn’t mean she hasn’t necessarily seen anyone since her days of walking red carpets with Hill Harper. It’s just that the “Empire” star now has a strict rule on making her personal life public: If the man she’s with isn’t her husband, there’s nothing to say.
Taraji is sharing that gem on the Steve Harvey show today where she dishes on the season finale of her hit Fox show and her rise in Hollywood. Of course, though, Steve had to ask Taraji about dating and how it’s going for her, and that’s when she shared:
“I’m a grown woman so ‘dating and let’s just see’ –those days are over. If there’s nothing on this finger, if this finger’s naked, no one gets claimed. You don’t get claimed until you claim me. Period. You don’t get to say, ‘I dated Taraji P. Henson.’ You don’t get to go on the red carpet and share that part of my life with me because now, today with social media, it’s not private. I have a son and I don’t want them to be like ‘mom dated that one and this and this’…I can’t do that. I can’t afford that because then when I do meet the one, he’s gonna be like, ‘you were a ho, you been with this one, this one, this one’…I can’t do that.
Oh, if only so many other starlets followed that blueprint. In the quest to establish their desirability, so many entertainers are quick to bring their flavor of the month with them to various red carpets and premieres only to be confused when suddenly they’ve developed a reputation for being a little loose — or at the very least lost — when it comes to love.
There’s also a key element to Taraji’s motive for not bringing men on the carpet with her. Because, while we know many a rapper who follows this same protocol (Fabolous I’m looking at you), Taraji doesn’t deny men for the sake of appearing to be single and available, she’s simply weeding out the characters who are there for the lifestyle versus the love. And, again unlike so many of her famous cohorts, Taraji won’t end up spending valuable air time that should be used to promote her work explaining why she and boo boo the fool are no longer together for years to come. Two points for her.
And just in case this point wasn’t already clear from her earlier comments, Taraji also told Steve:
“If you’re not serious, don’t even open your mouth. Shake my hand and keep it moving. I’ve accomplished so much in my life and right now, I just want someone to share it with.”
I hear you, girl.
What do you think of Taraji’s stance on claiming a man? Do you agree or disagree? Watch the segment below.