All Articles Tagged "dating"
From Single Black Male
Blurred gender roles are a norm in today’s day and age.
Most of us want equality for both sexes in all facets of life. Ideally, this would be the case. The truth is that for this to be, there will be some resistance in some instances. For instance we have today’s subject of marriage proposal. Now some of us may feel that a woman proposing to a man would be tacky. Some simply thing that it isn’t right. We’ll explore this today whether it be in this post or in the comments. But the bottom line is that this here lies the same “what’s good for the goose” ideology. If men can propose to women, so should a woman propose to a man.
Will this ever be an “in” thing to do?
I’m not sure; what I can give you all, my SBM faithful is my views on it. Heading to brunch this past Sunday I was talking to my boy about this. I told him that serious couples discuss things like marriage and their futures together. To me, if a couple discusses their future together then a woman should feel confident enough to know that one day her man will propose. Whether or not a woman is patient enough to wait is another question.
Of course another question that arises is how long is too long to wait? I really don’t know. Different people have different levels of patience. My patience threshold is pretty solid. This also depends on circumstance and the personalities involved. I’ve seen people get engaged and married within a calendar year; and stay married. I have also seen couples be married for thirty plus years and still see it fail. So there’s obviously more than one way to skin a cat. When it comes to proposals you can argue there’s no right or wrong way. I say that in regards to who proposes.
I actually dated a woman a while back who said that she would entertain the idea of proposing to a man.
I was shocked to say the least. She was a bit of a go getter. My guess is that maybe more extroverted women are open to proposing to a man. What I did find interesting was a study that I read on menshealth.com. It said that 83% of men won’t wear a “man-gagement” ring. So the majority of us fellas aren’t into this idea basically.
Why am I not into it? I’m a forward thinking cat. I believe in being creative and pushing envelopes. I believe in challenging thoughts and the whole shabang. Strangely enough, I’m still a bit of a traditionalist. I think the proposal process is the time for a guy to be supremely romantic. There’s not another day where a woman should imagine being swept off her feet any better. A woman proposing to us robs us of our creativity for such a special moment. That’s just me.
Read more about female proposals at SingleBlackMale.org
He grabbed both of my wrists and tried to coax me to my feet, but I wouldn’t go.
I honestly didn’t feel like dancing.
The song wasn’t right and neither was the overall vibe.
I was at a photographer friend’s party in Philly. The room was full of beautiful and fashionable people but unfortunately, I didn’t know a single one of them. Everyone else was either in cliques or already paired off, so walking up to random groups, in an attempt to mingle, proved to be a bit awkward. And with the exception of the one dude, who walked past me just to say “smile” – and that’s it – I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. That was until the Black Patrick Swayze showed up.
“If you don’t get up and dance with me, I’m going to give you a lap dance,” he said firmly and he wiggled his hips from side to side.
The smile we ladies wear to seem pleasant at all times, waned. “Please. Don’t,” I insisted.
And I really meant it. He sucked his teeth and took a seat next to me on the sofa lounge. He looked so defeated. Part of me felt bad slightly for me. He was working overtime for my attention ever since we made eye contact across the room. Actually, I was merely staring at him because I thought he looked like someone I went to school with. But that was more than enough incentive for him to walk over and plant himself only inches away from my face. And that’s where he stood the entire night.
Originally, I appreciated the company. But he had been hopping around, flirting and cracking sexual jokes all evening. And any attempts at serious conversation were deflected with more jokes and other silliness. For instance, I asked him what he did for a living. He told me he was a gastroenterologist. “Butts and guts but enough about that, let’s talk about your butts and gut. Haha, I’m just kidding.”
I asked him if he travelled. He said to Brazil. I told I had gone too and asked him what he liked most about the trip. “Everything was beautiful but not as beautiful as you.” Sweet. Cute. But boring. And it is especially boring after the cheap one-liner he tried to whisper in my ear.
It feels like a silly thing to get upset about, but it’s really not. Like John Legend, I am just ordinary people. And as such, you don’t have to try to blow my head up. Really, it’s not necessary. That’s not to say I don’t like compliments or don’t appreciate the ego boost even. But one or two a day is cool. And I usually like them to be genuine and mixed in with other topics we can converse about.
Like our work and careers. Our hopes and ambitions. What we do in our free time and other hobbies. Our politics. Our religion or faith. Our favorite television shows. Even what we had for breakfast in the morning. The point I’m making here is that the lack of conversation is killing whatever potential attraction might have been there.
And it has been a pattern of late. No matter the occupation or education level or even personality-type, many men I meet today come off as shallow and dumb. Or they think that I’m shallow and dumb? Either way, I have been going on lots of dates with men, who just can’t seem to have a real conversation with me. Likewise, the only semblance of a real conversation is flirting – and very badly at that. And it all has me wondering, do many men out here not like talking to women?
And I mean this question genuinely.
Just like the last guy I went on a date with. We were supposed to be having casual dinner over some Mexican fare, however it ended up being an evening of him staring at me and smiling while I tried to eat my tacos without feeling subconscious about this guy with a cheese-eating grin, staring at me. I asked him a bunch of questions and got back single word or thought responses. He had four questions for me the entire night: 1. Are you single; 2. why?; 3. what’s your favorite television show (which on the surface sounded like a conversation starter but quickly lost steam when it was revealed that he didn’t even have a television); and 4. What do you think about me?
“To be honest, I don’t even know a single thing about you,” I said with a tinge of annoyance. I wasn’t trying to be rude to him, but what I said was the truth.Despite him staring at me and many failed attempts at grabbing my hand, I still felt invisible around him. I didn’t know him and he wasn’t really making an effort for me to do so. It was that night, which I had a dating epiphany: I am a conversationalist. And talking to men is how I like to get to know a dude.
More than dancing with them. Or making googly-eyes and crude sexual innuendos. Let’s talk. And not just around the dating basics like our martial statuses and how many kids, diseases and warrants we have. I like to hear his thoughts on topics, even if I don’t agree with them. I like to debate theoretical things. And ponder over our actualities. Hell, if you want to just talk about movies or TV, I’m game for that also. Point is, we must talk. And to each other.serenade and compliment my mind as much as you trying to with my exterior.
And unfortunately, I’m not finding that much out here on these dating streets. I have had more men try to grab my hand, dance and grind with me, kiss my cheek, neck or other body part than actually try to get to know me. They are interested in me but not really interested in knowing me. It’s clear by the lack of willingness to connect on some genuine level, I am a thing. A thing, which might be pleasant to look at and play around with, but has no real value beyond being used – by him.
Just like Patrick Swayze from the party, who after nearly an hour of putting on his best Keith Sweat impression, finally blurted out his real intention:
“So am I going to get to go home with you tonight or not?” It was probably the most honest conversation he had broached all evening.
“No I’m cool. I’m going home by myself. But thanks,” I responded, trying my best to hide my smirk.
He looked dejected. But I didn’t care.
The thing was he wasn’t bad looking and he had nice size hands. He easily could have wooed me and he could have done so honestly, without all the pandering and thirst quenching – if only he had something meaningful to say. But Charing doesn’t date – or bed – no dummies. So I bid him good night and God speed.
You don’t start fights, you don’t create drama, you don’t take issue with things…per say. But you know some things upset you, even if you’re really laid back, and you probably secretly punish your man these ways sometimes.
Love & Hip Hop Hollywood (LHHH) is one of my guilty pleasures. Every Monday night, I sit on the couch with my girlfriend, my laptop, and 1,000 of my closest twitter friends to discuss all the stupidity happening on the show. While this season hasn’t been any more ridiculous than past seasons, the relationship between Yung Berg and Hazel-E has managed to surpass the “lofty” standards set by seasons prior. The sordid interaction between these two has provided plenty of confusion, and yet, not an ounce of sympathy. Women are often telling men at the outset of a relationship (however you define that is up to you) “don’t lie to me. Tell me exactly what you want so I know where I stand.” In Berg’s case, he’s done exactly that and Hazel still seems confused, which makes their screentime both exhilarating and incredibly painful to watch. Ladies (but most certainly not men) might be surprised to know that what is happening between Hazel-E and Berg isn’t an uncommon occurrence. But before we get into that though, let’s do a quick recap of Berg and Hazel’s relationship.
At the outset of the show, it’s clear the relationship between Hazel E and Yung Berg is a one-sided affair. Hazel often refers to Yung Berg as though he’s her boyfriend while Berg is tepid, at best, about his feelings on committing to Hazel. Hazel constantly begs Berg to reaffirm his feelings for her in hopes that he feels the same way she does, only for Berg’s response to put Hazel into an emotional tailspin. Though there are a litany of situations to choose from regarding these two and their “relationship,” there are two that stand out the most. The first is Berg plainly telling Hazel exactly where he fits in her life and the second is him showing how much respect, or lack thereof, he has for her in public.
The first situation took place while both were in the studio. During the conversation where Hazel is trying to get Berg to commit, he tells her: “You know I got a different girl every day of the week and that’s how I want to live my life. If you can’t live with me, then live without me.” Hazel is heartbroken, unable to understand why the man she’s been sleeping with for almost a decade cares so very little about being in a relationship with her. Another scene finds these two on yet another couch, this time the morning after Berg and Hazel had sex. The viewers find Berg playing on his phone while Hazel walks out to join him. Hazel inquires as to why Berg is on the couch to which he responds, “You know I don’t do that lovey-dovey ‘ish and cuddling and all that.” An argument quickly ensues while discussing Berg’s plans for taking Hazel to an award show. Berg tells Hazel he “doesn’t want to be on front street” and Hazel accepts his explanation. Later, Berg goes to the award show with another woman and is approached by Hazel. Hazel references the conversation about why Berg didn’t want to go with her and Berg responds by kissing his date in front of Hazel. Embarrassed, Hazel throws her drink at the couple and storms off.
What I can’t understand about Hazel is why will she refuses to take “no” for an answer. Berg has disrespected her at almost every turn of this show, at one point describing her as “delusional.” Another argument between the two found them at a crossroads in their relationship where Berg, having had enough of Hazel’s inquiries about the two of them together, says “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You’re talking to me as if you’re my girlfriend or wife or something” with an attitude no self-respecting person would allow someone to speak to them with. As a result of the scene, many seem to believe Hazel is simply an idiot who can’t take a hint, while some ladies also thought Hazel’s behavior was an extreme example that couldn’t possibly happen in real life. If you find yourself in alignment with either of those views I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Situations like Hazel-E are closer to “a dime a dozen” than they are to “one in a million.” I’ve got a lifetime of stories of women I was sexually interested in who wanted far more out of a relationship than I did and simply wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. I can assure you that I’m not the only man with these kinds of stories. While there are plenty of instances in which men lead women to believe one thing and hit them with something completely different, there are plenty of occasions where the truth is told from the outset and some women simply refuse to accept that truth.
Hazel-E and her relationship with Berg isn’t much different from any other woman who finds herself involved with a man who doesn’t want the same thing out of a relationship she does. These types of women have convinced themselves it’s the man making the mistake, not them. They also believe if men could just see how loyal, faithful, freaky, and down for the cause they’ve been, they will wake up one day and realize she’s the one he needs to be with. Hell, to keep it one hundred, I’d bet the money I make from this post there are women reading this who were laughing at Hazel-E and are in (or have been) in a very similar situation with all the knowledge as to why Hazel-E should leave Berg but they can’t leave their own version of Yung Berg in real life. Pot. Kettle. Suffice it to say, sometimes you don’t need to decipher what a man is saying. If his actions and words are in concert, ladies, move accordingly.
Want to know whether it’s worth waiting for him to get it together? If he’s showing you these signs, it’s a clue you’ll be waiting around forever.
He Gets Mad Instead of Getting Better
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. If he gets agro every time you bring an issue up, he’s telling you he’s not equipped to face the facts — or change them.
My relationship with my best friend is a bit unorthodox. After all, she’s a woman and that can tend to make the women I date a bit uncomfortable. It’s something that I’ve had to work through for years and it’s definitely not something I haven’t overcome before. In fact, the women I date soon find out that the overwhelming majority of my friends are females and they have to make peace with that — or not. I don’t know how this happened but I can only guess that being raised by a single mother, a grandmother, and single aunts placed me in several circumstances where I was surrounded by women. My second guess would be that after joining a black Greek lettered organization, my need for making male friends outside of the organization was reduced.
Whatever the case may be as far as the development of my inner circle, women who find themselves in relationships with men who have close female friends — without knowing all the details — get suspicious. I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for all of you but let’s say “women’s intuition” really exists and is a supernatural power that all women possess to be able to sniff out a woman after her man. Let’s say that men are inherently naïve when it comes to their female friends and while they may think the relationship is platonic, the girl friend is secretly waiting for the right time to pounce. Even if that’s all well (or not) and true, it’s important not to worry about something that isn’t happening. I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye, I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened. The only way that situation will play itself out is with the woman looking jealous or insecure: Two traits that are shortly followed by unattractiveness and eventual breakup.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that at a certain point in life and your relationship with your female friends, the relationship reaches a platonic level that cannot be overcome. At that point, it’s really off-putting when you’re accused of wanting to be with them or it’s suggested that they want to be with you. It’s not that I don’t find my female friends to be beautiful or great people, it’s just that I’m not attracted to them. Trust me, I’m typically the last one to know when a mutual male friend of mine is trying to get at them but I always understand why once I find out.
Here’s another reason you probably want to exercise chill when it comes to his female friends; they’re probably closer to him than you are from the onset. Over time you may become closer to him than they are, but that relationship and closeness takes time. If you go into the dating/relationship phase suspicious of the women in his life right away, they’ll have his ear more than you. Also, understand that a man rarely will choose the unknown over the known. Meaning, he has his friends and they’ve likely been there for him for a long time. He’s not going to throw all that away for a relationship with a woman that may not work out in the long run.
Lastly, it’s really on the guy to be concerned about his friendships with women outside of his romantic relationship. Every guy handles it different but it’s his cross to bear. He may see them less, talk to them less or even pull away from them. Or, he may not change a thing at all. It’s important that he dictate that relationship instead of his significant other. For me, it’s important that I maintain my relationship with my best friend but I’m also very quick to inform my significant other of her presence and role in my life. It’s been years that I’ve had this best friend and I go to her for a lot; that’s not going to change overnight. Any woman I date should know this and let it be my concern, not hers.
There seems to be a lot of confusion out there about who is and who isn’t a side chick in Hollywood these days. And it can be tough to get clear on the facts when you’re living in the limelight. But when these things happen in your relationship, they could be signs that you might be a side chick.
You’re Not Sure About the Timeline
Amber Rose says that she and Reggie Bush “were eachother’s rebounds.” But several sources have said that Amber and Reggie’s relationship overlapped with Reggie Bush’s and Kim Kardashian’s. Whether Reggie fudged the details or these two acted too soon, this case of too-close-for-comfort got Amber Rose labeled as The Other Woman.
They’re always nerve-wracking, you’ve been on three of them this month and you still can’t figure out what to wear. It’s hard to tell whether we’re talking about first dates or job interviews isn’t it? That’s because they’re both equally stressful and force us to be on for hours on end, trying to let our best self shine — or at least the best self we think we need to be to get the man/job. Here are 15 times dating is like a job interview.
Image Source: Tumblr.com
You’re Definitely Not Being Yourself
You know your real laugh sounds nothing like that…
From Single Black Male
We have all had to tell someone that we weren’t interested. Whether it be we weren’t interested in being in a relationship or being more than platonic friends. It’s a compromising position. To the majority of us who don’t want to intentionally hurt someone, we spend time trying to find the right words. It’s my thinking that women in particular have an issue with this.
For whatever reason I think that ladies try to save face as much as possible. When a guy shows interest in her and she isn’t interested she begins to show “signs.” Women are always showing signs. Many guys don’t realize this til after the fact. When it’s all said and done a woman might say “I tried to hint to you,” or “I tried to give you the signs.” and I know many guys who would react “why didn’t you just say so?” Which is a pretty valid question.
What I will say is that there are a lot of guys who make it hard for this to be possible. Quite frankly a lot of women think men can’t handle the truth. They feel this way because too many guys flap their gums after being turned down. You can’t win every time, that’s just the game. The most insecure figure that this is their license to come up with a predictable meme that shits on a woman that turned him down. Of course as I was reminded this past weekend, there are males and there are men. And a man “gets it.” In every facet men “get it.” That means that a man gets it if you’re not interested.
Read more about rejection at SingleBlackMale.org
I’ve asked so many friends and friends of friends about this situation. But I think I should get a man’s perspective on this. I met this man about three months ago and we immediately slept together. We both agreed we weren’t looking for relationships at the time. But these days, I find that I get really anxious when I don’t hear from him. I’ve asked my friends, and some married couples about whether or not I should continue “seeing” him. Some of my friends say it’s time for me to stop sleeping with him, so I can clear my head, and ask him about the trajectory of our relationship. I don’t know if I’m really ready to give up the sex. Some married women I’ve been speaking too keep telling me about all these timelines and I’m wondering what I should do. Should I keep seeing him? Am I setting myself up for failure?
– Friend Wanting More Benefits
Dear Friend Wanting More Benefits,
In a perfect world, the friends-with-benefits arrangement — where two adult parties agree to have a consistent relationship that consists of sex and nothing else — would be a perfect solution to both the “inbetween” relationship stage where people between relationships need someone to keep them, um, occupied, and the “I just don’t want to be in something serious right now” stage everyone between 25 and 34 seems to be in right now.
It is not a perfect world, though. Although the friends with benefits arrangement sounds great on paper and works well at the beginning, as 99.99999% of people who’ve entered one will tell you, the longer it lasts, the more awkward they become. As good as the sex can be, someone — and it can be the man or the woman — will eventually catch some sort of feelings, and when someone catches feelings, feelings get hurt.
This seems to be where you are right now. You’re not hurt yet, but if he decided to end things — or if he decided to share how much he likes this new chick he’s dating — you would be. The answer is obvious. Let him know how you feel. If it’s not reciprocated, end the relationship. It might be painful, but pulling off a bandaid hurts much less than putting one on a broken heart.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.