All Articles Tagged "dating tips"
The dating world can be unpredictable, to say the least! Sometimes there is no telling who you will hit it off with and who you won’t. This means that you may end up dating an older man, without intentionally doing it. If you’re in a relationship with an older guy, there are some definite do’s and don’ts as well as some advice you’ll want to know. Here are 14 tips if you are dating an older man.
If you’re quiet, reserved, and shy, you know how hard it can be to make it successfully in the dating world. Though there is nothing wrong with being shy, it definitely makes finding a guy and keeping his interest harder than usual. Here are 14 tips for shy females who want to take the dating world by storm.
We tend to think of “playing hard to get” as a bad thing. The word “playing” is in the term so automatically we think of playing games and being dishonest. The term has gotten such a bad rap that many of us vigorously practice the art of doing the opposite—of being as open and forthcoming as possible, of over-sharing and baring it all on the first date. But this can have its repercussions too.
When it comes to dating and relationships, there are no rules. While traditional gender roles suggest that men should be the aggressors and approach a woman they’re interested in, women are becoming more bold in going after what they want – and getting it! Who says you have to wait for that cute guy you’ve made eye contact with to come over to you first? Go talk to him! Okay, okay, easier said than done, but you may be missing out on a number of dating possibilities simply because you’re shy, stubborn or afraid of rejection. Some men can be just as nervous and shy as women can, so help the guy out a bit and at least meet him half way. Not sure how to do that? Here are a few suggestions to get you started.
Do you remember your first kiss?
I received my first peck when I was four years old. I was hiding in the closet with a neighbor during a game of hide-and-go-seek when he planted his ashy-lips on mine. It was our little secret and also my first and last kiss for the next six years. When I was ten, I kissed another boy (his lips were freshly chapsticked) during a game of “Truth or Dare” at our karate school lock-in after someone dared him to kiss me. We were “boyfriend and girlfriend” at the time, so he gave me a quick peck and everyone squealed.
When you’re young, kissing is such a big deal. I remember hearing (and ignoring) warnings that girls shouldn’t kiss a guy on the first date. That advice is now “don’t have sex on the first date”, but still, kissing plays a significant role in a new relationship. A bad smooch can even be a deal breaker.
What about down the line in a relationship though? I wonder, do people still passionately kiss even when they’ve been together for a while? Does kissing too often go on the backburner in marriage or even long-term dating relationships?
Last year, the Huffington Post published the results of a survey that found married couples kiss less than once a week.
“Nearly one in five married couples go without kissing for as long as one week at a time. And when they do finally lock lips, it will last no longer than five seconds for 40 percent of them.”
It sounds like these researchers found the root of a sexless marriage – or sexless cohabitation. If a couple isn’t even taking the time to kiss, then it’s fair to assume they aren’t making time for much else either. Jill Blakeway, author of the forthcoming book Sex Again: Recharging Your Libido, told the Huffington Post:
“Kissing can be “more intimate than having sex” but is one of the first things to go in a long-term or sexless marriage. When kissing falls by the wayside, it’s the first step to losing passion in a relationship. “
Sheila Gray, author of Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex says kissing helps a marriage and Jill Blakeway agrees telling HuffPo.
“Kissing is one of the first ways we connect sexually. And then over time it goes down. But there are some physical things that make kissing important. It decreases the level of cortisol, which is a stress hormone and it increases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. And that’s why, chemically speaking, kissing makes people more relaxed and builds connection. Chinese medicine says that the mouth and the tongue have a connection to the heart. So it’s the same idea. Kissing attaches people to each other.”
Apparently, kissing relieves stress and makes a couple closer. That sounds like a good reason to bring kissing back to a relationship where the frequency has fallen off, but how often should we kiss our mates? In her 29 Days to Great Sex blog, Sheila Gray advises couples to kiss for at least fifteen seconds each day. That seems short, but it’s longer than a quick peck and once you get into it, you likely won’t stop at exactly fifteen seconds.
Of course kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex. Personally, I find stand-alone kissing to be romantic. In fact, I have always wanted to re-enact that “Love Jones” scene with Darius and Nina kissing in the rain. Also, the scene in “The Notebook” when Noah says to Allie “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!” and Allie jumps into Noah’s arms and they’re kissing in the rain. Can’t forget that scene in Spiderman when Mary Jane is kissing him upside down…in the rain. (Clearly, I like the idea of locking lips in a downpour though my hair would never allow that type of spontaneity.) These movies all portray a fairly new relationship, but even if you’re in a long-term relationship you still may want to make time for kissing.
Hey, if the President of the United States has time to lay one on his wife, then what’s our excuse?
What do you think? Do you think kissing goes on the backburner when you’ve been in a relationship for a while?
Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink
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Several years ago, I met this guy named Stephen whom I used to describe as the smartest man I ever met. He must have skipped a grade or two somewhere along the line because he was 23 with an MBA and was running his own business. “A real life Doogie Howser” I mused. Granted, the TV character was a 14-year-old doctor, but it was the first comparison I thought of.
I admired intelligent men long before I met Stephen, but I was beginning to believe that I would have to give up on ever meeting a guy who valued education. Instead, I kept meeting boys who answered the “what’s your favorite book?” question with a nonchalant “I don’t read.” Some guys I met were so intellectually lost, I wondered how they even made it through the day.
Stephen and I met through friends. He certainly wasn’t the most handsome guy in a crowd, but he dressed well and his quick wit and social personality took up where his looks left off. After talking to him a lot and (platonically) hanging out with him a little bit, I started to like him. Correction: I became absolutely enamored with him. We would talk about everything: politics, current events, entertainment, business, whatever. He became one of my favorite people to talk to and debate topics with.
Unfortunately, I was looking for a relationship and Stephen only wanted sex. Of course, that’s my simple assessment of the situation in hindsight. At the time, I was loath to admit I wanted a relationship because I felt that admission would scare men away. And apparently he was loath to admit he was just chasing panties because that admission might’ve scared women away.
So instead of being honest with each other, we played this fake friendship/pseudo-relationship thing. I pretended I was okay with him not wanting to be in a relationship with me and he pretended that it wasn’t about me and that he just didn’t want a relationship period. He had excuses for days too. One of them was that he had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I foolishly interpreted that as a legitimate yet time-sensitive reason, one that would easily go away after a few weeks or months of hanging out with me. Now I realize that if a man wants to be in a relationship with a woman, he will marry her the day after a divorce, if not, he will use that “just got out a serious relationship” excuse for years after a not-serious-at-all breakup.
I didn’t know that then though, so I just played along believing his lies that he cared about me. He would get jealous when other guys would talk to me and I saw that as proof that he really wanted us to be together. I assumed we were days away from becoming official. Slowly, I discovered that his intelligence went beyond the books as he was adept at playing me. He had no intention of taking things further and only kept me around to stroke his massive ego.
Me, I was so busy singing his praises about his intelligence, business sense, and any other impressive qualities and accomplishments, I had unwittingly placed him on an a pedestal. And when you put someone on a pedestal, they’re automatically looking down at you. It seemed the more respect I had for him, the less respect I had for myself. I kept thinking that if I was more of this or less of that then he wouldn’t be able to resist calling me his “girlfriend.” All I could see was his rights and my wrongs and it was making me uncharacteristically down on myself. I was all “he’s a genius” and “he’s so smart” when I should have been saying “he’s an arrogant, heartless jerk with a Napoleon Complex who looks like a squirrel” and “I deserve better than the way he is treating me.”
Our thoughts are so powerful and I finally realized that if I was going to walk away from him for real then I needed to bring him back to Earth in my mind. The way to do that was to tell myself the truth about him and the situation. No more heaping compliments or making excuses for him. It was time to rip off the blinders and be honest about who I was dealing with. I was only adding to my own pain by telling myself that he was the perfect guy. Was he really perfect? Clearly not. For all my “he’s sooo smart,” he wasn’t intelligent enough to get into a relationship with me, so I guess he wasn’t such a genius after all.
What I wish I’d known sooner is that no man is perfect, and too often we end up projecting perfection onto a man despite his blatant shortcomings. Once I stopped wishing things would change, and admitted nothing would change, something did change: Me. I walked away. It’s much easier to gain perspective when we’re being truthful with ourselves about what is really going on. Taking an objective look will likely result in realizing when we’ve dodged a bullet. Looking back, I know I did. Besides, he wasn’t that cute anyway.
Have you ever found yourself thinking more highly of a guy then he deserved?
Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink
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If there was one thing I wish I could tell my marriage-minded friends who repeatedly deal with ambivalent men, it would be this: “Stop being ridiculous and ‘settle’ for the guy who likes you.”
I would tell them that because I wish someone would have told me that years ago when I met the guy who I now deem as my personal disaster.
If men can be stunners, he definitely was one. Charming and extraordinarily good looking, he possessed an exuberant amount of swag before anyone even used the word “swag”. As a result, my friends and I nicknamed him “Masterpiece”.
Masterpiece and I would hang out from time to time, but he was emotionally vacant; therefore, I clearly didn’t have a chance. Still, I was utterly infatuated. Convinced that I could change his mind about wanting to be in a serious relationship, I pulled out all of the stops. He was skilled in the game though knowing how to keep me at arms length while embracing me at the same time. The push-pull was simultaneously intoxicating and devastating. Looking back, I wonder what kept me motivated to ride such a vomit-inducing rollercoaster and I discovered that it was my own mind! I would rehearse all of his great qualities in my head and tell them to friends when explaining why I just couldn’t walk away.
I had decided he was my dream come true – except he wasn’t. I was just being totally and completely delusional. I realized that I had my “list”, but it was flipped the wrong way. His superficial qualities (tall, smart, handsome, accomplished) were checked off at the top but the things that truly matter in a relationship (likes me, calls me back, trustworthy, considerate) were all hanging out abandoned at the bottom.
Though it pains me to admit it, at the time, I didn’t realize that a man liking me was a lot more important to the progress of a relationship then him being taller than I am when I’m wearing heels. I knew I wouldn’t consider dating a man shorter than me, so I gave those guys no consideration, but I rationalized why I should give men a chance who were emotionally indifferent towards me. I was applying importance to the wrong things in my dating life.
This is possibly because I saw height and looks as something that can’t be changed, but viewed his desire toward me as malleable. To a certain extent this is true because sometimes men do end up liking a woman they didn’t like before, but who wants to put in all that work? Any man a woman has to work to get, she will certainly have to work to keep. Why spend a life like that?
I knew that I needed to get rid of the notion that a guy liking me wasn’t that important, because in fact, it is of the utmost importance. I had to tell myself that there is nothing endearing about a man who couldn’t care less about me.
That truly was what it boiled down to. Plenty of men who were interested in me fit my superficial descriptions, but I observed that when I was dealing with men who weren’t interested, it added to their allure. The feeling that my heart got when he just gave me a little bit of attention was like winning a game or coming across a ridiculously discounted sale. That feeling doesn’t last though and eventually I was right back down in the depths when I would come across his flirting with another girl or realize he hadn’t initiated contact in weeks. I would fight to the death to get that high feeling back and when I did, I would unceremoniously be slammed back to the bottom when it was gone. I was both hooked on and sick of the drama.
On the flipside, liking someone who actually likes me is an entirely different world. In a weird way, it felt like settling. I thought I was giving something up that I wanted when really I was just giving up the drama. No more trying to win. No more hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy. It soon became abundantly clear that loving and being loved in return feels much better than all those highs and it doesn’t come with any lows. No matter how self-confident you claim to be, being with someone who doesn’t value you makes it hard to value yourself whereas being with someone who thinks you’re amazing, makes you feel amazing. And who doesn’t like to feel amazing?
The truth is, when you finally abandon your propensity to desire men who don’t like you and instead make up in your mind to settle for the men who do, you’ll quickly realize that you didn’t settle at all.
Follow Alissa Henry on Twitter @AlissaInPink
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Everybody has patterns. If you think you don’t have one, then your pattern might just be constantly fighting not to do the same thing you did in all of your previous relationships, which is a pattern in itself. Falling into these patterns might be slowing you down in your search for Mr. Right:
Have you ever met someone you feel oddly comfortable with right off the bat? You somehow have them figured out already—you know what makes them laugh, what not to say around them, and there is instant chemistry. And you can’t quite put your finger on why. Often it’s because he has certain traits (the bad traits) your ex had, and nearly every ex before that, and you aren’t picking up on them yet. All you’re picking up on is the chemistry, because that chemistry is strong. But don’t let it be overpowering. If you feel an instant click with someone, ask yourself, “Is he similar to my ex?”
“Just be yourself.” What does that even mean?! It’s the most generic, yet most popular, piece of advice before a first date. The truth is, it is good advice, but it can be hard to follow because we also often don’t realize when we are not being ourselves. You’re being yourself if you do this:
Between high school sweethearts, when it’s perfectly okay to text each other from across the room and say “I love you” within one month, and the dating challenges of your late twenties, a lot changes. Those young adult years are a crash course on men for most women. Most of us walk out of our twenties with these understandings about these very interesting creatures: