All Articles Tagged "dating rules"
So I was having a brief chat with a co-worker who was recounting a date she had a couple of weeks ago. It was a first date and all was going well at dinner…until the bill came.
She said she wanted to “test” him – so she offered to pay the tip. She thought her perfect date would say, “No thanks hon, but thank you for offering.”
He did no such thing.
Instead, he busted out his trusty calculator and told her the tip would be $13. She paid the tip, he “failed” the test and she’s been ignoring his many phone calls and texts to go out again.
My thoughts? If you offer to pay any portion of the bill and he takes you up on it, you can’t be mad at him. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to pay it. But that’s just me.
The guy probably thought she was a progressive, independent woman and appreciated her offering. Or he could be considered a cheap jerk…who knows. I think there are many different perspectives you can look at this from, and since there were no follow-up dates, it’s hard to tell which type of man she had on her hands.
However, I do think there are certain guidelines to go by when it comes to picking up the tab on dates, in a relationship, whatever. There are no hard rules per sé, but this is my take on how paying for dates should be handled.
Rules were meant to be broken, and this applies especially to matters of love and dating. When it comes to getting what you want out of relationships, sitting around and calculating methodic ways to do so—and considering what everyone else tells you to do—not only makes life move far too slowly, but often ends up confusing your partner/boyfriend/date. In the pursuit of being authentic, please disregard these long outdated rules.
So, you are dating a guy, and it’s the crucial first few weeks. You really like this guy, and you are wondering what you can do (or avoid doing) to keep this relationship going and not scare him away.
The truth is there are certain things that women can do that will scare men away everysingle time. Don’t sabotage a potentially great relationship that could have gone somewhere by scaring a man off right at the beginning.
So here are 6 dating behaviors guaranteed to scare men off that all women should avoid:
1. Trash Talking Your Ex. Don’t ever trash an ex boyfriend in front of a guy you’re dating. I don’t care if you’re on your first date or on your fifteenth date with a guy, don’t ever trash talk your ex. Your ex is somebody you dated, invited into your life, and with whom you spent a lot of time. So don’t talk negatively about your ex in any way, because what a guy thinks when you do this is that if he ever becomes your ex that you are going to trash talk him the same way. So, when a man asks you about your ex, the only thing you should say is “We are no longer together. It was a great relationship while it lasted, and I learned a lot.” That’s it.
Read more at YourTango
Spontaneity can be a great thing — the impromptu cocktail with a friend, a last-minute jaunt out of town with a guy (or girl) you like a lot. I get it, I love it. It can be fun and thrilling and very romantic. I welcome those rare opportunities, especially when they happen with people you know you want to spend time with.
But it’s a lousy way to make a first impression.
Why? Because spontaneity has undergone an unflattering change in the world of modern dating. And rather than a thrilling and unpremeditated adventure, it’s become a poor-man’s excuse for not planning ahead.
I wrote about a guy I’d gone out with once who canceled actual plans but tried to make up for it with crazy last-minute ones that never panned out. He was a day-of texter, a what-are-you-doing-right-now-er. When I declined a few offers for day-of drinks, because I legitimately had other plans, he canceled the one set of plans we did have to meet for dinner because he thought maybe he was too “out of the box” for us to have anything meaningful. In other words, because I couldn’t just fly by the seat of my pants any time he felt like reaching out, we could never work.
Read more at YourTango
Everyone knows someone who knows someone they know. The infamous six degrees of separation has become more like three; and with the increase of social networking, the possibility of at least knowing ‘of’ someone is highly likely. This short line of separation is embraced in business and networking but when it comes to dating, it can be frustrating, depending on where you draw the line on who you will and won’t date.
A couple of years ago I wouldn’t dare entertain two men who were acquaintances. And even though it was never simultaneous, I still wouldn’t date someone who knew an ex; but now as I’ve gotten older and the degrees of separation have lessened, so have my limits. Best friends. Off limits. Family members. Off limits. Close enough acquaintances that they hang out frequently.Off limits. Anyone else is fair game.
I think the rules of whom you can and can’t date initially became taboo in high school. If your ex was and a guy that was pursuing you shared mutual friends, it was automatically deemed a no-no to date the new guy. But as adults, oh how rules change.
As I’ve traveled, relocated a few times, advanced in my career, and networked I’ve met many people who knew people who I had gone to college with, worked with, and on an occasion or two, someone I had dated. While I don’t have many exes (I guess this could be both good and bad) it seems as if every guy I meet knows one of my exes in particular. Whether it’s high school acquaintances, college roommates, or close friends of his friends, it seems as if I’m always stuck with a choice of should I date this guy or not, because of my ex.
Initially, I would shun away all of the guys who knew him. Partly because I wasn’t sure if we would get back together and also because I wasn’t sure how it would look to other people. Yes, at the time, I cared.
But then I had to consider this: would I be missing out on something good because I’m holding on to the past? And furthermore, am I missing out on something good simply because someone knows an ex?
This is a big world, and although the degrees of separation are small, I had to consider would I really ever be in awkward situations with my ex and this new guy who just so happens to know him? They didn’t live in the same city, or even state. They didn’t chop it up on the phone. They were simply from the same hometown, went to the same high school and had mutual friends. While the situation was certainly not ideal, did that mean it should be off-limits?
I eventually decided that it shouldn’t be. The guy and I dated for a while and of course my ex found out because of their mutual friendship; and although stunned, he wasn’t angry. He later admitted that he was hurt but had no premise to be angry because they weren’t friends.
While there wasn’t a love connection with the new guy and me after all, I didn’t regret my situation. Of course I would prefer to date someone who knows nothing of any of my exes, but the reality is the dating pool is small. And the older you get it seems even smaller. Everyone has their own limitations of who they will or won’t date due to the degrees of separation; but I’ve decided if I disregard every guy who knows someone I dated, despite their level of friendship, I may be doing myself a disservice. And unless they are family, close friends, or interact on a frequent bases why should it really matter if they know each other?
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Have you ever been on a date with a guy and wondered “Where the hell did this guy pick up his dating etiquette from?” First dates are where the real first impressions are made and they can either make or break what could be a blossoming relationship. Sadly, many men don’t even realize where they go wrong. Check out this list of things that most women wish to communicate to their potential suitors prior to our first date.
Do men have the same rules in the dating game as women? If so, are men allowed to break those rules, or do certain rules only apply to men?
There are a number of rules people play by and get played by in the game of dating and courtship. For instance; wait three days to call after a date, don’t rush things, pay attention to red flags, so on and so on. These three rules apply to both men and women when it comes to dating, however, there is one recent rule that has surfaced that applies strictly to women…or does it.
The infamous ’90 Day’ Rule. This rule encourages women to hold off on giving a man any benefits, particularly sexual benefits, for ninety days. This is a pretty straight forward and common sense rule for most women; in fact a substantial amount of women apply this rule very well in their dating lives. But does this rule apply to men too?Should it apply to them? The answer: absolutely.
There are so many benefits for men waiting to have sex with women, and there are benefits for the women who date men who are willing to wait for sex. One benefit is that a man can get to know a woman for who she really is, and be attracted to the beauty that lies within her. It’ll also give him time to see if he wants to be strictly friends with her or if he wants to pursue a relationship with her that will serve a purpose without the sex factor clouding his judgment.
Another benefit of men applying the 90 Day Rule to their dating lives is the prevention of unwanted, or unexpected pregnancies that may come with a lifetime of unnecessary drama. Now let’s not get things twisted, children are a blessing, but without taking the time to get to know someone before having sex with them, then realizing you made a mistake in sleeping with them and ‘slipping up’ may make you resentful towards the child who didn’t ask to be conceived, and deserves two nurturing parents who are on the same path and page.
Without taking the proper steps in getting to know someone first, you won’t know if you are on the same path and the same page; all you’ll know is the feeling of sexual gratification…maybe. For women, a man who is willing to wait to have sex means that he values you for who you are as a person, and does not view you as just a sexual being. It also shows that he is sexually responsible, and he has set standards for himself. Before having sex with a woman, a man should think about his long-term intentions with her, rather than seizing the short-term moment of physical gratification, because short-term moments can breed long-term effects.
If men decide to start applying the 90 Day Rule to their dating lives, it shouldn’t just be limited to sexual benefits, but it should also be applied to other major and some minor benefits, i.e. lavish dinners on the first date, elaborate gifts before six months, calling a woman more than twice a day, etc. If men held out on giving a woman any type of benefit other than the benefit of getting to know him for who he is rather than what he has, it will reveal the woman’s true intentions for being with him. This is not to say that a man should not work at getting and keeping a woman’s attention, but his focus for getting and keeping a woman’s attention should be to keep her focus on who he truly is.
While the 90 Day Rule is a simplistic rule of common sense for women, it should also be a simplistic rule of common sense that applies to men as well, because a man’s body should be valued and treasured the same as a woman’s. If the 90 Day rule does not apply to men, it creates yet another entity to the double standards of dating that says men are allowed to do certain things, but women aren’t. And if this cycle continues then both men and women will continue to lose at the game of dating. Men who decide to wait to have sex are aware of their bodies, and the responsibility they hold with the jewels they possess that help spring forth life and replenish the earth. They are conscious of the purpose for having sex, they value the intimacy that sex can bring, and they hold that responsibility near and dear to their heads and hearts. Ladies, let’s support those men who are willing to wait for sex by learning how to withhold sex from them and start building meaningful relationships.
Should the 90 Day Rule apply to men? Would you date a man who was withholding sex?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin
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By Courtney Edwards
It seems that this dreadful, and somewhat pointless, discussion about how much a man should spend on a date has managed to rear its ugly head once again. And as we can see from the throngs of recent tweets regarding this issue, everyone has an opinion. Some folks associate the relative cost of a date with how much value a man places on a woman, ergo the more that he spends on her, the more that he values her. Others like me feel that an expensive date is just that – an expensive date. And it doesn’t have any other intrinsic value other than showboating.
Why do we as a society feel the need to place a numeric value on a date? Isn’t the point of a date to get to know someone? And is two-hundred dollars really the price tag for getting to know someone these days? It just seems to me that dating has become relegated to some crude system of bartering. I have the hapless honor of being associated with a select number of women who have the so-called “one drink minimum.” Yes, it means just what it says. These women won’t even talk to a man unless he purchases a drink for them first. And, then, there are those women around who won’t accept anything less than dinner and a show for their first date – or first couple of dates. One of my best guy friends recently suggested to a woman whom he was interested that they go on a “coffee date,” and she told him rather bluntly that “she doesn’t do that.” I’m not quite sure when coffee and lunch dates went out of style, but I still feel that those are both effective vehicles for sparking quality conversation with a member of the opposite sex.
Stephen Colbert, the host of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report,” famously satirized the Supreme Court’s decision to allow unlimited contributions to political action committees (PACs) by saying that “more money equals more speech.” So, alternatively, does that mean the more someone spends on a date, the greater connection they will have with the person whom they are dating? Okay. This may be a stretch, but it just highlights how ridiculous this whole discussion really is. The basis of this whole discussion is fueled by one key misconception. This misconception is that women expect men to spend large sums of money on a date. According to a poll conducted by the banking and financial institution ING Direct, women thought that men who spent $192 on a date had paid “too much.” They actually thought that $85 was an appropriate amount for a man to spend on a date.
Certainly, the real value that a man places on a woman should not be measured by how much he pays on a date, but the attention that he gives her, the types of questions that he asks, and all of his subtle and not-so subtle cues and gestures while on a date. Is he holding all of the doors for her? Is he pulling out all of her chairs before she takes a seat? Does he show genuine interest in her? Is he giving her the opportunity to speak? Or is he more concerned about himself and his accomplishments? These factors tell so much more about a person and how much they value you than the amount of money they are willing to shell out on a date. Truthfully, a man who’s willing to spend excessive amounts of money on a date might not be doing so to show the woman that he values her, he might just be doing so because he thinks that he can buy her. And that’s not acceptable by any measure.
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It’s been said that love is a dangerous necessity, a world class mystery. No one is its master. Perhaps one can suppose that as doctors practice medicine and as attorneys practice the law, that individuals merely practice love. As people hop in and out of relationships in search of love, it can certainly be said then that there is no one right way to behave in a relationship. But while we acknowledge that no cookie cutter formula exists and that no absolute, definitive road to successful relationships has been paved, let us not be remiss in thinking that there are not approaches to relationships that we can absolutely and definitively file in the dead wrong department.
I’ve listened a lot lately to people speak about their relationships. And while I, frankly, am much more comfortable in the platonic lane these days, I love love. It creates great joy in my heart to see people who truly desire to be in committed relationships hopelessly and effortlessly in real love with people they’ve entrusted their hearts to. As such, I’ve been struck by how frequently people are admitting that they remain in relationships not out of love but out of fear—fear that although they are not truly happy, that what they currently have just might be as good as it gets for them.
Some women remain with men who they aren’t excited about because they treat them well and have the ability to be great providers for their families. Some men remain with insecure women who lack emotional maturity because they possess all the physical attributes that keep them visually and physically stimulated. I’ve had women admit that there isn’t much compatibility between them and the man they’re dating, but say, “But I’ve never had anyone treat me this well before.” I’ve also had men admit that it is hard to get past their woman’s childish and insecure ways but say, “But I’ve never had a woman who was on my level professionally AND came in a package that looked like this before.” These same men and women have been extremely apprehensive to walk away from relationships that really aren’t working because they’re afraid that they may not be able to find the highly desirable traits they have in their partners with other people.
I certainly understand that there are those who come along and break the mold. They are game changers, and once the game’s been changed, there really is no going back. But ladies and gentlemen, we have to acknowledge that the mere fact that someone is a good catch does not always make them a great catch for us. You can’t hold on to someone because they are the best you’ve had so far and you’re afraid that you won’t find someone comparable if you let them go. Well, you can, but you probably shouldn’t. Happiness is paramount, and if you aren’t truly happy…you can’t force it.
I am a firm believer that people can have whatever it is they believe they can have. If you believe a person that you really should leave is the best you may ever have, it’s likely you’ll never have better. But imagine what possibilities would exist if you’d rather choose to believe that if you had it once, you can have it again…and maybe even better? Imagine who could come into your life if you’d simply change your perspective? Instead of having the attitude that you may be losing out on a good thing, use your experiences with this man or woman as proof that people like him or her do indeed exist and that they happen to be attracted to you. Although your current relationship won’t last, you know now that a relationship with a man who treats you extremely well is possible. Or, you recognize that your bad chick game has just been upgraded. You can rest in that and move on with joyful anticipation of what is to come.
When you find the person who truly melts your butter, we’ve agreed and voted that you make your own rules in your practice of love. But, let’s agree right now that this whole staying in relationships because you’re scared of the what-ifs business is wack and should be filed away in the dead wrong department we talked about earlier. Why? So you can give yourself a chance to truly be happy. Pinky swear?
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by Selam Aster
I’m not a man but I often get a lot of insight from two close BFFs who happen to be men.
Growing up in a house full of women, I grew up processing and analyzing the trials and tribulations of relationships from one very narrow perspective. As I got older and started interrogating men about their thoughts and views on things, I came to understand a few things like…your number does matter, no man wants to wife up a slore, and you gotta stroke a man’s ego.
In any case, I thought I understood things but news like Wiz Khalifa proposing to Amber Rose got a girl like me confused. Not to mention, I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Reggie Bush took Kim K, a woman who built her fame off a sex tape, seriously. But back to this Khalifa thing – I assumed that other men would look down on him considering that Rose publicly came up as Kanye’s arm candy and exploited her body in all its nakedness to promote her fame and popularity.
On SingleBlackMale, Dr. J contends that Wiz “won” on account that he did get the woman of a more famous rapper. Interesting. Confusing.
Does this mean that men are becoming more open minded to a woman’s past? I mean, I’m all for it but I find that in my circles, I don’t find that level of open-mindedness and I wonder whether the actions of the Reggie Bushs of the world steer women in the wrong way, who will get punished later by more stern suitors. But hey, in any case, it shows that men are evolving to hold themselves to the same standards that they subject women to.
What have you observed? Do you find that friends with questionable pasts are unharmed by it when it comes to their dating potential?
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