All Articles Tagged "dating an insecure man"
Let’s face it – confidence is sexy. Most of us would agree that folks who are needy or seem unsure of themselves are not the most attractive folks on the planet…and who wants to embark on a relationship with someone who’s insecure? But have you ever found yourself in a relationship with someone who seemed to have it all together, but then somehow turned into someone you didn’t recognize? Someone who now questions your every move, someone who now checks your cell phone, who wonders who you’re talking to, who wonders where you’re going? How come you didn’t see it coming? And an even bigger question is - are his insecurities your problem?
Your first thought may be that their issues aren’t for you to fix. If they’re bringing their baggage from a past relationship into your relationship, then they need to work it out on their own. After all, you didn’t cheat on your partner, his or her ex did…right? You didn’t cause the mistrust in the relationship, so why should their hang-ups be your responsibility? It’s a fairly rational response.
However, most relationships are not built on logic and rational thought – they’re build on emotions, both good and bad. In some cases, feeling insecure is a result of low self-esteem, past trust issues or a host of other reasons that have nothing to do with anything your partner may or may not have done. But in other cases, even the most confident person can suffer a bout of insecurity that they never even saw coming. We all have insecurities about SOMETHING, so saying that we have a fear, a hang-up or issue with how the world sees us shouldn’t be this terrible, negative thing that we have to be ashamed of. Some might argue that it’s naturally human nature to feel insecure sometimes.
So what to do when your partner starts tripping? Do you tell him or her to just get over it? Do you break up with him or her because you ain’t got time for all that nonsense? It may seem like the easiest thing to do since it’s fair to say that you can’t make a person feel secure. You can’t fix their trust issues. You can’t give them confidence.
Or can you?
What many people fail to realize is that choosing to be in a relationship means you take responsibility for someone else’s heart. You both become vulnerable the minute you decide to be a committed couple. When that happens, it’s important to look at your actions and how they affect your partner. Are you a person who stays out late without calling? Are you secretive? Do you limit access to your partner when it comes to passwords, email, social media, etc? You don’t have to give up your privacy just to be in a relationship, but giving your partner a reason not to trust you, even if you feel your actions are justified, could contribute to the feelings of insecurity that your partner feels creeping up where it was once non-existent. Maybe your partner wasn’t an insecure mess when you met him, but maybe he became one because you flirt with every man you see, or take your cell phone with you to the shower. Sure, it’s harmless to you, but to him your actions may give him cause for concern. He probably really wants to trust you, but you might be making it hard for him to.
If you’re dealing with an insecure partner, try to see where your actions might be contributing to the problem. Now, if they’ve always been this way from the beginning of the relationship, then there’s probably nothing you can do. But if your once super-star partner has become needy, clingy and unsure of himself, then find out where all of this insecurity is coming from and try to help him through it. Communication is key on both sides – it’s not TOTALLY your responsibility to make all of your partner’s insecurities go away. But what is important is that you do what’s best for the relationship, and your goal should be to make your partner feel safe and secure within the relationship. If he says that it bothers him when you go out with your girls and come home at 4am without checking in, then you have a decision to make. You can either think “he’s trippin’, I’m grown and he needs to get over it!” OR you can acknowledge your man’s feelings and stop doing the things that trigger his insecurity (within reason of course). Allow him to tell you how your actions impact him, and then decide if changing some of your behaviors is worth it in order to allay his concerns.
Now in some cases, there will be NOTHING you can do to make your partner feel more secure in the relationship. You can’t build self-esteem or confidence in people – that has to come from within – and if their insecurities are based off of imaginary situations or circumstances or just completely irrational, then you probably should run. But if owning and changing some suspect behavior on your part can get back that super confident, super secure man you first met, then isn’t it worth it to work through his insecurities together?
Most men and women long to have partners who love and care for them, help them out from time to time and inspire them to be better people. But sometimes, gently nudging your significant other out of love in an attempt to “help” can suddenly turn into something else. One minute you think you have a loving boyfriend, the next minute he’s trying to control your every move. I’m not talking about violent or abusive men who use force to try to dominate you. I’m talking about emotionally or mentally manipulative men who try to convince you that he’s only looking out for your best interest and who are simply overly protective of you. If you’re not paying attention, you may miss his subtle attempts to try to control you. If you can’t tell the difference between a truly genuine person who only wants the best for you and the relationship and someone who is deceptively trying to control you, look out for these warning signs.
My last dating situation was probably one of the worst. In the past I have dealt with a cheating ex who tried to justify his doggish behavior. Honestly I didn’t think any relationship, past or future, could get any worse than that until a few months ago when I dated an insecure man.
Chris* looked good on paper. He was intelligent, ambitious, and had a promising career that paid him extremely well. He had great conversation, opened doors, was considerate, and liked to talk about feelings. I soon learned that even I, as a woman, didn’t like talking about feelings as much as he did. Probably because his feelings were accusations targeted towards me.
He snooped my Facebook page (yes, this grown man), interrogated me about childhood guy friends, and even questioned my ‘feelings’ when I didn’t respond back to his calls in what he considered a reasonable amount of time. According to him, I didn’t show that I cared enough and every guy besides him was the person I really wanted to be with.
The first time the jealous accusations occurred I shook them off, partly flattered that he didn’t mind showing he cared. Silly, I know. But the second time when he stalked my Facebook wall picking out posts from guys who had written me before he and I even began dating, I knew I wasn’t in a healthy situation.
After this, our relationship went downhill. If I made a nice comment about another man, he said I didn’t compliment him enough. If I talked about guy coworkers in an innocent manner, he questioned my relationship with them. And if I didn’t answer the phone when he called, he immediately accused me of cheating. These accusations came in the form of long text messages telling me how inconsiderate I was and how I didn’t make him feel wanted.
Insecure men come in all disguises, but most share the common traits of appearing sensitive and caring. To most women a caring man who listens is a hot commodity; but it quickly changes when his insecure traits take over the relationship.
In the article “Is It Love, Or Insecurity?” psychologist Joseph Nowenski, highlights some traits of an insecure man. These include a need for constant reassurance and approval, distrustful, smothering behavior (basically he wants to be with you all day, everyday). In addition, most insecure men are jealous or possessive.
Chris possessed all of these traits. And while I shunned them off initially, it didn’t’ take long to realize his caring and sensitive ways were partly due to him being insecure. A caring man is something that I wanted, but an insecure man, not so much.
This scary excuse of a relationship lasted about three months before I realized that my nerves and sanity were at stake because of his lack of trust and enormous level of insecurity. He accused me so much at times I almost thought I was cheating. I ended the relationship quickly, but not without learning a valuable lesson. Dating an insecure man, especially one who doesn’t consider himself insecure, is like watching a relationship die a slow, painful death. Basically, it just won’t work. Dating an insecure man is like saying “nerves, I don’t care about you and sanity, I don’t need you in my life.”
According to Nowenski, dating an insecure man is like a bottomless pit that might just drain you of every drop of love you possess. My translation: dating an insecure man can drive you crazy.
While most people possess some level of insecurity, problems arise when a person’s level of insecurity affects the majority of the relationship. You can tell an insecure man you love him, but he questions why. You may say that you’re tired and would like to go to sleep. He assumes you’re just not attracted to him anymore. Nothing you can say or do will make an excessively insecure man, secure. It’s a waste of time, effort, and energy. And normally the person who ends up drained, will be you.
From my last situation, I quickly learned that everything else could be great about a man; but insecurity will more than likely overshadow it all.
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