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From YourTango

Too many women confuse feeling empowered with acting like a “ball-buster.” Empowered dating is all about embracing and exposing your most uncomfortable, vulnerable and tender feelings. Empowered dating is about being brave enough to sit in the anxious, yucky, totally-out-of-your-comfort-zone feelings associated with letting down your guard.

So how do you do that? The key is to allow yourself to feel and share your “emotional nakedness” with men while having a sense of ownership of your emotions. Owning your feelings will let you feel more comfortable sharing your true self and will help him feel safer in acknowledging those feelings.

 1. Be vulnerable, but never susceptible. The difference between being a soft, sensitive woman a man would want to snatch up and love forever and being a needy, over-emotional, dramatic woman who makes men run away, has everything to do with susceptibility. Are you susceptible to losing yourself in a man? Are you susceptible to feeling overwhlemed with neediness and other insecurities? Do you allow your feelings for a man to make you so weak for him that you compromise your self-respect and dignity just to connect with him?

Read more on YourTango.com.

We know there are more than enough men out there trying to tell women what they need to do to be in a healthy relationship, but sometimes you just want to hear from a woman who knows what she’s talking about. Enter Natalie Clarice, matchmaker and star of Oxygen’s new reality show “Find Me My Man.”

Every Tuesday Natalie helps two women turn their love lives around on her TV series, so we wanted to pick her brain a bit and see what she can help us with. In our interview we asked her what are some of the biggest mistakes women make, what’s the best way to let a man know you’re interested, and how to not be sidetracked by the fact that h*s are winning right now. Check it out!

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It doesn’t matter how great of a catch you are, there are some habits that make almost any man not want to ask a woman for that second date. The sad part is women do a lot of these things because they think it is what a man wants to see. So, which ones are you guilty of?

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If you’re quiet, reserved, and shy, you know how hard it can be to make it successfully in the dating world. Though there is nothing wrong with being shy, it definitely makes finding a guy and keeping his interest harder than usual. Here are 14 tips for shy females who want to take the dating world by storm.

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Think you know why you are attracted to a new person? In your dating experiences, have you found yourself making online dating choices based on the pictures or the profile? Did you agree to a second date because of share values and interests, relationship goals and love of sushi? Or was it that perfect white smile that made your heart sing?

Thanks to an area in your brain, a particular region has been linked to your romantic choices. In a new study, it was found that this area makes quick decisions whether a new person is the right one or not within seconds. Apparently, this “instant attraction” mechanism leads daters to choose by their internal physical ideal of who is attractive to pursue.

Working with singles as a relationship coach, I understand how easy it is to allow a certain physical type to be the determining factor in dating, love and commitment. Unfortunately, reliance on this 15-second glance strategy leads to many unfulfilling relationships. The fear that one will have to settle for less than their ideal physical type if looks are not at the top of the “must have” list, is not the best approach to attracting the right relationship. Take a look at some of the arguments that instant attractors raise:

Read the rest at YourTango

So it may seem random for Lance Gross to be doling out dating/relationship tips on meeting and maintaining a baller but considering he recently played an NFL player in his movie “The Last Fall,” we thought it would be good to ask Gross, along with the film’s director Matthew Cherry, about what it takes for a woman to maintain with a professional athlete. Check it out.

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Have you ever gotten in a huge fight with your boyfriend, or even broken up with someone, and thought afterwards, “That wasn’t me…” You weren’t really angry about what you were fighting about. You weren’t really insecure about what you were complaining about. It was like you were possessed…Usually, it’s just your friends and others that comment on your love life getting in your head! Don’t let them.

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What do men want? I don’t know. Love, sex, a corn beef sandwich on rye perhaps?

We see article after article about what men really want in a relationship. And I’m personally like, who cares? Call me jaded but whenever I used to be concerned about what the opposite sex wanted or ways of thinking is when I would find myself in the most undesirable of situations.

He was tall, brown skinned with dreads down his back. A former college basketball player now turned after-school youth counselor and very much sought after by ladies between the ages of 16 to 60. Yeah, he was that fine and on one cloudy summer day, I had caught his eye.

We were at a community festival, working the table for some playground committee we both served on. I was new to the committee. Therefore I was solely on duty to hand out information about our activities and program. He came later on, saw me, walked over and whispered in this deep baritone voice, “So when are you going to let me have your number?” Ooh Wee. My co-committee member had told me that Mr. Tall & Handsome had his eyes on me, but warned that he was a lady killer. Naw, that ain’t going to happen to me, I’ve been celibate and reading books about the ways to a man’s heart. I was smarter and thanks to all my reading, prepared.  I played it cool because that’s what my book told me to do.

Everything I read said that it is best to keep a man waiting and guessing, never showing him your hand and most importantly, never seem eager. But as the sun began to set on the festival, my admirer became more persistent.  So after the fifth time of asking me for my number, which by advice of the relationship expert was two more times needed, I decided that I would not give him my number – instead I asked him for his number, since men like it when a woman takes charge – this again, according to the relationship experts.

Later on that evening, we were on the phone. The relationship experts said it is important to maintain an air of mystery, because men like mysterious women, so when Mr. Tall & Handsome asked me about myself, I kept it cool and mostly hushed.  And when he told me about what he was into, which was mostly basketball, I feigned interest even though I was into football and my only knowledge of the game started and ended at the team colors. But the experts said that men liked women who shared in their interest.

I went through so many changes based upon what I thought he wanted.  I would listen closely, picking up hints and changing myself appropriately. He said that he was partial to the color purple, so I found ways of incorporating that color scheme into my wardrobe. He said that for health reasons, he didn’t eat red meat, so I got rid of all the hamburger meat, beef sausage and bacon in the freezer.  He said that he was really into metaphysics, whatever that is, so I went to the library and sat for hours, pondering the ambiguity of Schrödinger’s cat. And he said that he was partial to women with dreadlocks. And that’s the story about how I ended up locking my hair.

Anyway, Mr. Tall & Handsome would get tired of me eventually and move on. Besides not being ready for anything permanent (which I promptly ignored because all the relationship advice I’d read said that every man can change and it was our duty as women to convince them), he also said that he was hoping I would change his mind. However, I didn’t seem to have a mind of my own. Ouch that stung.  But he was right. I was so occupied with trying to fit his ideal image of the kind of woman that I thought he wanted, I forgot to really listen. I hated basketball and the only purple I liked was the movie. So was there anything about him, besides being tall and handsome, which met my list of wants and needs? And more importantly, what were my wants and needs?

Steve Harvey, Michael Baisden and a slew of other prominent relationship experts have made very fruitful careers explaining to women the ins and outs of what is on a man’s mind. And although Harvey and the rest are indeed men, they are only a few men and can’t represent fully the thinking of all men.  Therefore, the only kind of man that you will likely attract with Harvey’s advice is someone like Harvey. Now, if you are into high top fades and colorful suits with 52 buttons on the inside sleeve alone, then perhaps you will find some value in what they have to say. However, for the rest of us, with more varied tastes in men, their advice is a little unhelpful.

Plus, it is simply a waste of time to even try to think about all the different things on a man’s mind. For one, men don’t really go around begging to know what women want.  If they did, it would be a slew of female relationship experts exploiting that question for fame as well. Most men I know think they already know what women want. Matter of fact, if you were to ask a dude what women want, he is likely to say, his package. Okay I jest – sort of. I actually had a male friend, who said that to me before. “For real though, it’s not like we don’t care what women think, it is just we just don’t think about it much. We think about ourselves.”

As I have matured some in my relationships with the opposite sex, I have come to realize that most men will tell you what they are looking for. And as such, it is our jobs to not only believe them but also to be as honest and upfront in our dating as well. Forget about wanting to know what they think, I need to know how a potential partner could satisfy my needs. Can he be loyal and trustworthy? Can he make me laugh?  Is he smart and cultured? Does he like football and beef sausages? It is about you as much as it is about them. And if what he tells you sounds like exactly what you need–go for it. But if not, well in the words of Jay-Z, on to the next one. It’s really that simple.

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From YourTango

By Christan Marashio

Ladies, I’m going to give you some of the best dating advice you’ll ever hear. Free.

Stop asking your girlfriends for dating advice. Wait. I’ll amend that.

Be very careful which of your female friends you turn to in times of romantic distress.The problem with most of said advice and reinforcements is that it’s rarely objective. For example:

“You look GREAT!” – Thanks to social media, we have an endless supply of people who are happy to toss off this attaboy whenever we post a new Facebook photo. I can remember reading one such status update a few weeks ago. The woman had recently lost a fair amount of weight and, to her credit, it showed. The string of comments underneath her picture ranged from telling her how hot she was to how “skinny’ she was. As I perused the list of people commenting, I wasn’t surprised to see that there was nary a man in the bunch. The lesson for women here, when trying to determine what men find attractive, is to pay close attention to both who is offering affirmation, and who isn’t. You’ll rarely hear a woman say, “Sweetie, time for you to cut back on the booze. Your skin looks awful.” A man *will* say it…. in the form of a rejection, leaving the woman perplexed.

“You can do better.” – This statement is dangerous because it feeds the idea that we “deserve” a certain caliber of partner. It’s also misleading because, in many cases, water has sought its own level. Meaning the man our friend is dating is exactly what she prefers, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, she possibly can’t do better. Due to all the self-flagellation that occurs when women get together, women sometimes develop an over-inflated or distorted perception of themselves. Also? If it’s true that we can do better, we should always remember that he probably thinks he can, too.

See what other ways your girls can lead you astray when it comes to dating on YourTango.com.

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The other day, my friend Kayla told me that she never goes out on dates. Ever. It’s not like a guy has never asked her out, but she’s so intent on getting into a serious relationship she refuses to date anyone whom she doesn’t already like. This doesn’t make any sense to me. I know there are other ways to meet men and even become seriously involved, but dating is definitely one of those ways and to completely rule it out seems counterproductive.

Just the other day, Kayla was telling me about a guy who asked her out to lunch. She told me that she declined because she could already tell she didn’t like him and therefore didn’t want to lead him on. I couldn’t believe it! Accepting a date is not leading a guy on because there is no realistic expectation there. It’s not a marriage proposal or even a guarantee for a second date. It’s not a commitment of any sort except promising to show up at a particular place at an agreed upon time.

Had she considered that she may go out with him and actually like him?, I wondered, or that he may go out with her and realize that he doesn’t like her? Isn’t that’s what dating is about anyway? Why so serious about something so trivial?

I know Kayla is interested in having a boyfriend because she always tells me she is so tired of being single and she consistently bemoans the “lack of guys anywhere!” Finally, I told her “You should just date the next guy you meet.” Of course she looked at me as though I suggested she go skydiving without a parachute, but I was serious.

I believe in dating. Not the “come to my house and watch a movie” non-date, but the actual “let’s go to dinner, play miniature golf or ride bikes to the local ice cream shoppe” date. There are no real downsides. For one, it’s an opportunity to do something new (for free if he’s paying!) and an opportunity to meet someone new. I also think that dating makes you feel better about yourself and gives you a realistic view of “what’s out there”. In addition, it’s a sheer numbers game: the more guys you date the more likely it is you’ll date a good guy.

When I was single, I accepted dates from guys I knew in high school and guys I met while running errands. I even went on a couple of dates with a guy I met in a club (but that eventual disaster is another story). Of course, if I was going on a date with a stranger, I played it safe by meeting him there, telling friends where I was going and who I was going with, etc. It’s not like I was trying to end up on some documentary of women who were killed by their own stupidity and there were definitely men who exuded way too much creepiness (or ugliness) & thus were swiftly turned down. For the most part though, dating was fun.

To be fair, I am probably such a big supporter of dating to increase the odds because I proved my own theory. Today is the two-year anniversary of my first date with my husband. I hadn’t been to the Ohio State Fair in years, so when he texted me a few days before to ask if I’d like to go, I accepted. We attended the same church, so I knew him enough to assume we were not each others type. The only times I’d seen him outside of church had been in group settings, so I figured that the Fair would be a group event too. However, no one else had been available to go that night, so it was just the two of us.

We had a good time at the Fair, walking around, eating concessions and playing games. We even took one of those Olde Time photos. At the end of the night, after a terrifying Sky Ride (terrifying cause I’m afraid of heights), we sat on a bench sharing funnel cake and fudge and talked until it was just us and the street sweepers.

Sometimes, I think back to that night and how I had no clue that I was sitting there on that bench sharing a messy Blueberry funnel cake with the man I was going to marry. I had simply accepted a date like I had tons of times before, had fun, and went home.

Of course, every date isn’t going to be the beginning of an epic love story, in fact some will be downright epic failures. But when that happens, you just go on a date with the next guy and the next guy — all the while increasing your chances that eventually you’ll end up on a date with a guy you want to marry.

What do you think about this approach to dating?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink 

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