All Articles Tagged "damon young"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We’re Getting Married But His Brother Is Racist

January 21st, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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There were some very pressing relationship questions being posed today on our Facebook live chat. See what Damon Young, of Very Smart Brothas, had to say to these women in response.

We're Getting Married But His Brother Is Racist

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Aisha: If you’ve been dating a guy for about six months and you haven’t been introduced to his family, are you the side chick, or is he just not that into you?

DY: Big difference between “dating” someone and being in a committed relationship with them. Which describes your situation best?

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We Haven’t Had Sex In 7 Months…Is He Cheating On Me?

January 14th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Should you suspect your husband of cheating if he hasn’t had sex with you in 7 months and seems unbothered by it? It’s only an issue if you (the woman) brings it up, and his reply is ‘Well, you don’t try either…’

Sexless in the City

 

Dear Sexless in the City,

There are myriad reasons why your husband might not be interested in having sex with you. Stress, depression, and physical injury can have a negative effect on a man’s sex drive. Maybe he has a naturally low libido. Maybe he is legitimately tired of always having to initiate sex. And maybe you’ve gone without having sex for so long that doing it again creates anxiety.

One thing is clear, though: There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. Going seven months without sex — and not making an effort to find any resolution — is very likely a symptom of a more serious issue. Although sex has its obvious physical attributes, sex is also a form of communication; the canary in the relationship coal mine. And a relationship where you refuse to communicate about this lack of communication can’t be fulfilling.

You need to have a serious and honest — and it’s the time for 100% honesty, not the 65-80% honesty often practiced — conversation about the state of your relationship. Find out what’s making you both unhappy/unfilled, and seriously consider if it just might be time to go your separate ways. Because, as “lonely” as singledom is often portrayed, there’s no lonelier place than a relationship where your partner doesn’t want to be with you.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.   

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: “How Do I Stop Hitting My Man?”

January 7th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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Victoria: How long is to long to be in a relationship without being or discussing marriage?

DY: That’s up to you to decide. If you think it’s too long, it’s too long. That said, from what I’ve observed, adult couples who get married seem to do it relatively quickly (within two or three years of first dating). You have your exceptions, obviously, but those are rare.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Friend’s Relationship Advice Is Getting On My Nerves

January 2nd, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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My Friend's Relationship Advice Is Getting On My Nerves

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Dear Damon, 

I don’t know if this is necessarily a relationship question but it’s about relationships. I have a really good family friend who is hell bent on serving as some kind of relationship guru/expert/therapist, telling me, my female friends and family members (of all ages) how we can catch and keep a man. 

I’m talking more than just the awkward interactions during the holidays. All year long she asks us questions like “Do you know how to flirt?” And when we are dating someone, she’ll say things like, “He doesn’t look like he wants to marry you.” She even sends us those ridiculous articles about the type of women men marry. I get the sense that because she’s married, she believes she’s got life figured out. But also a part of me wonders if she’s really happy in her own marriage since she spends so, so much time telling us how we can get like her. 

I know you’ve recently married… so I’m wondering is she really well-intentioned, trying to help us experience the best that life has to offer or is she covering up some of her own insecurities? And also, since I value her as an older friend, how do I respectfully tell her I don’t want to hear any more of this. Shouldn’t some things just happen naturally?

Sincerely, 

Fed Up With A Family Friend

Dear Fed Up With Family Friend,

I (obviously) believe relationship advice has value. Sometimes it takes an outsider with a relatively objective viewpoint to help people recognize certain things that they might be too blinded by love or passion or themselves to see. That said, there are no set of directions a person can read or follow that will make it 100% certain that they’ll end up in a happy relationship. Because much of what happens (or doesn’t happen) comes down to uncontrollable variables. And sometimes it’s just sheer luck.

Anyway, I believe your friend is well-intentioned. I also believe she’s obnoxious. Sometimes people forget that luck has just as much to do with their current situation as anything they did does, and your friend seems to be one of those people. Well-intentioned or not, you don’t have to put up with obnoxious behavior. The next time she decides to offer unsolicited advice, tell her kindly (but sternly) that while you appreciate her efforts, your path to relationship happiness may be very different from what her’s was. And, if that doesn’t work, offer her some “unsolicited” advice on how to be a better friend.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.   

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Talked To His Ex For 30 Mins, Should I Be Worried

December 3rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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"Black couple dating"

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Lorne: Hey Damon, how would a young woman that is stable and very mature be serious with an older man? Do they just automatically not take them serious because of the age?

DY: Depends on the age difference and the personality/relationship history of the people involved

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Won’t He Forgive Me After One Mistake?

November 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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We got some really interesting questions for “Ask A Very Smart Brotha” today. See what Damon had to say in response. 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Friend Only Dates Online But Has Sex In Real Life

November 13th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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My Friend Only Dates Online But Has Sex In Real Life

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I know this is so cliche…to write in asking advice for “a friend.” But this time the friend really isn’t me. I just want to know if you think her behavior is normal and if my other friends and I should be concerned about her general well-being.

So here it goes. My friend from college only dates online. She develops these seemingly deep and passionate connections with people online but never takes it out of the digital world. When the guys start asking about meeting her in person she stalls or brushes them off. And tells us, her friends, that she’s too busy for a relationship.

Meanwhile, in real life, she’s having sex with men she’s not all that interested in. Like loser guys we knew back in school. She never goes anywhere with these guys either. Just sex.

She never gets anywhere with the guys she’s emotionally connected to or the men she’s physically connected to. She just brags to us about her sexcapades and the “nice men” she’s meeting online. And honestly I’m starting to wonder if there’s some type of emotional issue she’s dealing with that we should be trying to help her through.

I know this behavior is not exactly normal but do you think it represents a deeper problem? Should we ask her about it or just continue listening to all these crazy stories and wait until this phase [?] is over?

Asking for a Friend

 

Dear Asking for a Friend,

It’s very possible that your friend is suffering from a number of issues, including (but not limited to) attachment issues, low self-esteem, anti-social behavior, clinical narcissism, sociopathy, depression, body dysmorphic disorder, the sniffles, the cooties, and the simian flu from Planet of the Apes.
It’s also possible that your friend is part of a new and evolved human species that has finally figured this dating thing out. I mean, as ridiculous as it sounds to cultivate emotional connections with men online and sexual connections with men offline while compartmentalizing them both, this may be one of those instances were pragmatism finds romantic loopholes. Basically, if it’s working for her…then it’s working for her.
Now, if your friend has a history of getting into abusive relationships or doing abusive things to herself, please address your concerns to her. But, if she’s an adult and she’s not hurting herself or anyone else, regardless of how abnormal her normal sounds, it’s still her normal, so just continue to listen to and laugh at her stories.
Sincerely,
Damon Young

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Is Cheating A Disease?

November 5th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Oghenovo: Is it wrong to date a guy without sleeping with him?

DY: Not at all.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: He Doesn’t Take Care Of Our Daughter, Should We Divorce?

October 29th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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should we divorce

I am 20, husband is 21. We have a daughter together but I have 100% responsibility for her and getting her everything she needs and he won’t watch her unless forced to. He doesn’t want to be married anymore because it’s hard. He recently started smoking and. I refuse to be with someone like that. He’d rather be boyfriend and girlfriend. He parties, stays on phone 24-7 and doesn’t help raise my daughter. He’s barely around me but only for sex or money.He wants a divorce and has been distant for almost 6 months but swears he’s not cheating. I don’t know what to do. Let him go and move on or try to make it work?

Don’t Want A Divorce

 

Dear Don’t Want A Divorce,

The answer for what you should do is obvious to me, to everyone reading this, and probably to you too. If someone is acting like they don’t want to be in a relationship — and actually comes out and says “I want a divorce” — you do not need to be in a relationship with that person any longer. This is simple.
But, I’m aware that life has a way of making the simple seem difficult. That said, let me address and refute a couple possible reasons why this might be a difficult decision for you.
1. You’re in love
 
Love is only worth holding on to if the other person is also in love, and his actions are showing that he’s too immature to even consider loving someone
 
2. You want your daughter to have both parents at home
 
A noble concept, definitely. But do you really want to raise your daughter in a toxic environment where one parent clearly doesn’t want to be there?
3. You’re worried you won’t be able to find anyone else
You’re 20 years old. There will be literally hundreds of potential “anyone elses” in your lifetime.
In summary: Get the divorce, give him his “freedom,” and make sure he maintains his financial/legal responsibilities to your child. (And immediately stop allowing him to use you as a sex toy and an ATM)
Sincerely,
Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Give Him An Ultimatum

October 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Shateria: I have a question I’m currently dating this guy but he’s always busy working and we only see each other once a week or every two weeks what should I do ??

DY: If you’re just dating, once a week is fine.