Teshia: What do you do if you really like someone and they claim to like you but they stood you up twice..?

DY: Get the hint, and be on to the next one.

Dear Damon, I was with a man and we have been off and on for the past year and a half, he recently lost his job and somehow that has changed everything between us. When we first met he used to love having debates with me just because we have different opinions and our information was always from different sources. He’s an information junkie but I’m a student. He used to tell me how smart he thinks I am and how he loves that I am so articulate but since losing his job he barely wants to be around me or communicate with me because he says I annoy him. The last time we spoke I asked him if he was still planning to come to my graduation, two hours went by and still no reply from him so I told him he no longer has to give a response I will take it to be a no. This infuriated him and he said it’s things like that that make him not want to talk to me. My question is can someone who truly loves you and want to be with you, which he claims that he does, find you that repulsive to the point where they don’t want to be around you or talk to you, or is something else most likely going on?

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Eva: Should u get back with an ex that has grown out of whatever issue that caused him to be your ex?

DY: Depends on the issue. My theory though, is that re-exing is like re-gifting. Sounds like a good idea, but you gave it away for a reason

Nolundi: Is there hope for a man in his 50s with a Peter Pan Syndrome?

DY: Probably not. But, look on the bright side. With the advances in medicine today, he has a good change of making it to 100. That gives him a good 40-50 more years to figure things out.

Debra: Children’s father will only deal with his kids if he can be with the mother. Mother is unhappy but does not want kids to lose father’s presence. Stay or go?

DY: GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elexis: What does a man mean when he says he wants to be friends or he’s not ready for a relationship right now??? and what does the term “friends” mean

DY: Usually, this means “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you, but I would like to have one with your vagina.”

Tia: I am in love with someone who is extremely driven in his career and doesn’t want to marry unless he has completed a huge career goal. It is realistic for me to wait?

DY: Depends on how long, really. If it’ll take 12 months, fine. 12 years, probably not. Also, why exactly does he need to accomplish this goal before marrying you? Has he expressed that?

Tia: Thanks for replying Damon. He wants to complete his PHD which will take two years. It seems like women can multitask and do many things at one time, but he wants to do that first then eventually marriage.

DY: It’s not necessarily that men can’t multi-task. But, (generally speaking) men and women prioritize different things when it comes to relationships and marriage, and I can understand why I man would want to wait until after achieving a professional goal before he got married. Often, men aren’t “ready” for marriage until they’re “settled” professionally and financially, and that seems to be the case here

Joanne: Friend is in a new relationship with a guy who has left his wife 7 years ago but never got round to a divorce as kids were growing up. At what stage is it appropriate for her to ask him when he is going to get divorced?

DY: The “right now” stage.

Sarah: Husband seems to only want to do the fun, non- controversial things with kids, yet leaves me, the step mom, to be the disciplinarian. Despite pleas to be “on the same team”, he just doesn’t get it. Is it a matter of choice or lack of vision. Sidenote- the children’s mother is not find at all of me, saying it nicely, so has pretty much told them they do not need to respect me furthering the complications.

DY: You need to have a frank talk with him about the precedent he’s setting, and how uncomfortable it’s making you to always be the “bad cop”—especially when you’re a step parent. He’s putting you in a no-win situation.

Sonya: If a person tells you you have a beautiful heart and smile….you have integrity and you’re good person as a whole. Is it safe to say you are in the friend zone ?

DY: Unfortunately so

Vanessa: Do you believe in 50/50 relationships? I feel that this type of relationship demands giving something to get something in return and doesn’t come from the sincerity of your heart. Also a man supposed to be a provider.

DY: Please expound. Not clear what you mean by 50/50.

Vanessa: I mean do you believe in 50/50 in terms of financial aspect in a relationship? My friends think my standard to high b/c I don’t believing in paying my way 50/50 in a relationship. I think a guy that likes you shouldn’t mind spending cash and it should be natural.

DY: That’s a tough one. Lemme put it this way: There are men who are fine with being the sole provider and paying for everything, and women who prefer those types of relationships should do want they can to date/marry those men. Thing is, while being taken care of financially is a plus, I think some women fail to realize that men who want to control all of the finances usually also want to control everything else—including your body. Again, if this works for you, fine. But just realize that for every person (man or woman), every “plus” has a corresponding “minus.”

Juanita: I have a question for him….do men ever think of their ex-fiancee even though they say they have moved on?

DY: As a person who has an ex-fiancee, I do think about her from time to time. I don’t want to rekindle or anything like that, but since she was a big part of my life for a couple years, I do wonder how she’s doing. I think that’s a normal thing. Again though, a person popping up in your mind from time to time doesn’t mean there are any type of regrets or thoughts of getting back together.

Essence: If you have been dating someone for 7 months, is that too soon to tell them “I love you”?!

DY: No. It’s only too soon if you don’t actually mean it

Faren: Is two weeks and two dates later too soon to like someone?

DY: Nope.

Lori: Damon, what do I do about a guy that has been pursuing me for 13 years and when I finally give him a chance he’s afraid of making a commitment?

DY: What changed after 13 years to make you finally agree?

Lori: I want to add that we dated in 1996. I broke up with him because he cheated. He has been pursing me ever since that relationship broke up.

DY: Yeah, I think his indecisiveness now should tell you everything you need to know about him

Post: Why do males tell females they love them but yet cheat and hurt them? That’s not love.

DY: For some people, it is actually. As hard as this is to believe, you can still love someone and cheat on them. Thing is, just because someone loves you doesn’t mean that you need to be in a relationship with them. And, if they’re cheating on you and hurting you, need to bounce

Kiara: What does it mean if a guy meets you and want to be serious really soon? I mean do I take it as him just knowing what he wants/looking for or is he running game?

DY: If we (men) know, we usually know immediately. So, while it is possible that he’s “running game,” a man wanting to commit quickly really isn’t all that rare.

I mean, if you’re not comfortable going full speed ahead, then you shouldn’t do that. But, like I said upthread, just because he expressed his feelings quickly doesn’t mean that they’re not real

Shaleith: Is it such a horrible thing that I decided to be celibate 2 1/2 years ago?

DY: Only if you think it is

Shaleith: I’m perfectly fine with my celibacy but the media isn’t

DY: Well, unless the media pops up in your bedroom or asks you out to dinner, I don’t see why you should pay it any attention.

Carmen: Can you love someone and still get irritated by them at the same time or is it just affection?

DY: Loving someone and being irritated at the same time is called “being in an adult relationship.”

Natasha: How often should married folks have sex?

DY: Depends on the people in the marriage. Some people are fine with once a week. Some even once or twice a month. Others need to have sex more frequently. Either way, there’s no set number that works for everyone

Danesha: I’m so use to be celibate, that i feel like i dont need a man anymore. What to do?

DY: Well, if you feel like you don’t need a man, you might not need a man. Some people are happier single.

Simplysenekea: Why are men so obsessed with the 3somes now more than ever?

DY: List of things men have always been obsessed with: Food, women, sex, grilling, multiple women, sex with multiple women, getting lost, spending a day grilling, and then going to have sex with multiple women, but getting lost on the way there, etc

Jasmine: What is the most reasonable time period in which a woman should receive a proposal from her boyfriend?

DY: I don’t believe in an arbitrary set time for things like that. But, I will say if you’re in your late 20s and above, just “dating” for longer than two years probably isn’t the best look

Hi Damon, 

Me and my husband have been going through a really rough time. Four months ago he lost his job and since then things between us have steadily been on the decline. I’m stressed because I have to pay our bills, clean the house and take care of our children while he basically sits at home all day. I don’t want to nag him and question him everyday about whether or not he’s taking the proper steps to find employment; but judging by the way the house looks when I come home in the evening, I’m pretty sure he’s lounging in front of the tv all day. 

 

The other morning things came to a head as I was trying to get the kids ready for school. He was still in bed and I asked him if he could help me out a little bit. He wouldn’t get up so I had to ask him at least three times. I guess he got frustrated because he called me out of my name. I know this wasn’t right but I completely lost it. I started screaming and throwing things at him. Once I’d calmed down, I asked him not to be home when I got back.

 

Despite this rough patch, I still want to work on my marriage and I think it would be best to understand where his head is at right now. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in this position but can you, as a man, explain to me where a man’s head might be at when he’s unemployed. And then secondly, do you think I was wrong for putting him out of the house– at least temporarily? Where should we go from here?

 

Thanks in advance, 

 

Distressed and Desperate

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Tasha: Why black men don’t want to commit and get married

DY: There are actually a ton of Black men who are commitment/marriage-minded. You just have to find and date the ones looking for a commitment with you instead of the ones who aren’t looking for that.

I have a question for you. Some guy I know said that head is overrated. It shocked me cause I never heard I man say that before. Do more men feel that way, or is he just crazy?
Asking about Oral

Dear Oral,

I’m not sure exactly when and where it started—My best guess would be sometime after hearing Akinyele’s “Put It In Your Mouth” for the first time—but I remember being obsessed with the idea of someone going down on me. Actually, obsessed isn’t even the right word. This was an effing mission. A calling. A duty. I’d daydream about it while falling asleep in physics, wonder about it while waiting for the bus, and fantasize about it while at the foul line. Unfortunately, I was in high school at the time and I only dated black girls so, um…let’s just leave it at that.

Anyway, I finally was able to complete my mission when I got to college. And, while it felt very good, it was underwhelming. (I remember one of my teammates once remarking that it felt better than sex. After hearing that, I couldn’t help but think “What type of wack sex are you having?”) I thought this unremarkable experience would get better once I dated/hooked up with/slept with more women. But, after over a decade’s worth of oral sex, I can tell you that my feelings haven’t changed. Basically, I happen to personally agree with your friend. Receiving head is great. But, it’s not the end-all-be-all of sex some people make it out to be, and this makes it overrated.

(Interestingly enough, while I do think that head itself is overrated—I can honestly take it or leave it—I couldn’t be with a woman who didn’t enjoy doing it. The will/want to do it is more important to me than the actual act. I also seem to enjoy performing it much more than receiving.) 

Thing is, I can’t speak for every man. As alluded to earlier, some men (and women) do in fact think that head is the best part about sex. I’m just not one of them, and I suspect that your friend and I aren’t the only “crazy” men out there.

Sincerely,

Damon Young

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.

Nina: If a man tells a woman he only wants to be friends… Why does he still show interest?

DY: Because saying “I don’t want a relationship and I want to be friends” is usually manspeak for “I want to continue to hit it as long as I can without you hating me. And, if you catch feelings, I want to always be able to come back and say “But…I said I didn’t want a relationship”

Shaleith: Ok I have a question….why can’t someone see that squandering away their money on unnecessary things when they have bills to pay is madness?

DY: “Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?”

Candis: Why is it guys talk about doing something nice, like cook you dinner, or take you out. Then in the same breath say “and then screw your brains out” like that’s suppose to make me feel like a woman? Why do they mess up the vibe like that?

DY: Some guys suck at communication. And, when you suck at communication, you’re not very good at seduction. One thing you have to realize, though, is that for some women, hearing “I’m going to screw your brains out” turns them on even more. Perhaps that’s want he’s used to dealing with. Basically, it’s up to you to express to him that hearing things like that take you out of the mood. If you don’t tell him, how will he know?

Norca: I need a Valentine’s Day gift idea for my BF. He has everything already! Please help! Thanks!

DY: Experiences—tickets to a game, a personalized lap dance video, a weekend getaway, etc—never hurt. Neither does a steak and BJ.

Wanda: Steve Harvey suggests we make a man wait 6 months before giving him ‘the cookie’. Is a man going to wait that long, or is he just getting his cookies somewhere else while you make him wait? And is a woman who doesn’t make a man wait a keeper?

DY: I thought it was 90 days, not 180? Oh well. Anyway, if a guy really wants to be with you, it’s not going to matter how long he has to wait (or how quick it happens). Obviously, if you make someone wait 20 years (or give it up in 20 seconds), that’s probably not going to end well, but aside from staying away from extremes, there’s really no arbitrary set time on how long you should wait to sleep with a man.
The only clock you should be on is your own. Basically, ask yourself if you’re ready, and don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure your answer is yes.

Erica: Why do men want brownie points for what they as a MAN in the relationship are suppose to be doing in the first place? I understand appreciation but doing the bare minimum isn’t really doing anything at all.

DY: Doesn’t everyone strive for brownie points, though? Couldn’t you say the same thing about women who want praise for being independent? I agree that it’s annoying, but this isn’t a gender specific trait.

Adria: When do you think is the right time to introduce your child/ren to someone new that you are dating??

DY: Opinions vary about this, but I think the best (and safest) time to do this is after you’re sure he’s going to be in your life for an extended period of time.

Annissa: Why does a man say I still love u but clearly is messing with someone else??

DY: He still wants you to love him.