All Articles Tagged "confidence"
Since we were children people have reiterated the cliché that looks aren’t everything; what’s on the inside is what really counts. But in the workplace this actually might not ring true.
When it comes to your career, the genes passed on by your mom and dad could be the difference between sitting next to the copy room and sitting in a corner office. According to LinkedIn, there is substantial research to support the theory that more attractive men and women tend to earn more than those with average looks. Not only do they earn more, but they get hired sooner, are promoted faster, and sell more.
Author Daniel Hamermesh has dedicated an entire book to the subject entitled Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People Are More Successful, proving through his research that more attractive people earn on average between three and four percent more than those with modest looks.
He attributes these numbers to the notion that attractive people have more desirable personality traits like higher self-confidence, which appeals to employers. He writes, “Beauty may just reflect self-esteem. Perhaps people’s self-confidence manifests itself in their behavior, so that their looks are rated more highly, and their self-esteem makes them more desirable and higher-paid employees.” He continues, “Another possibility is that beauty and the attractiveness of one’s personality are positively related, and that it is the general sparkle of one’s personality, not one’s beauty, that increases earnings.”
I think I would have to agree with the author that it’s not necessarily your looks that get you the job, but the residual confidence that stems from having good looks that does the trick. Whether you’re on the upper or lower end of the beauty spectrum, we have all had days where we know we are working it and are more confident compared to those days when we are self-conscious. I know for myself, on the days that I feel I am looking like a million bucks and at my most confident, I’m a people magnet. I’m cracking jokes, working the room, smiling every chance I get. And on the days when the location is an interview or networking event I am absolutely at my best.
When I didn’t have long to get ready, when I was building up a wardrobe of decent threads, my edges were looking rough, and I didn’t keep my bi-weekly manicure appointment, I was generally more of a wall flower waiting for people to approach me. I try never to make this the case for a job interview, so I can’t comment on that, but I can imagine what showing up looking disheveled could do to your confidence in important situations.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And at the end of the day, looks count only in the sense that the better you think you look the more confident you are about yourself. So if you have a face only a mother could love, you could still perform just as well in your career as those born into beauty, just by truly loving yourself, being good to yourself and being just as confident as anyone else.
If you take a close look, you could probably see that a lack of self-love is pretty much the basis of any problem you can imagine. It could be the reason you feel unhappy in your career, why you aren’t invited to as many social events as you’d like, why you’re struggling to get into a relationship, or why a current one is falling apart. Loving yourself isn’t something you can conquer in one day and then forget about; it requires constant practice. Here are 14 ways to fall in love with yourself, either all over again or maybe for the first time.
MN Business Tip of the Day
Most of us have fantasized about a wealthy bachelor whisking us away to an island on his private jet—just to have a romantic picnic on the beach. But are you truly the embodiment of what a millionaire man desires in a woman? SeekingMillionaire.com gives us the scoop on what rich men look for in a partner.
I hope you’re up for a little rock climbing, bungee jumping, scuba diving or even sky-diving. Millionaire men love a woman who’s willing to step out of her comfort zone. Nearly 90 percent of wealthy men prefer their partners to be outgoing and adventurous, according to a survey conducted by the website.
Seventy-two percent of male millionaires are also looking for a loyal or submissive woman. While I’m personally on board with loyalty, I’m not so sure about the submissive part — it’s a bit vague. Do three-fourths of wealthy men want a 50 Shades of Grey type of relationship or do they want their woman to take a more traditional and servile role?
One member of SeekingMillionaires.com, who’s dated 10 millionaires and billionaires over the course of four years, explains that women are submissive in a sense because the millionaires usually call the shots when it comes to decisions on social outings.
Self-awareness or confidence (66.7 percent) is the third most desired attribute in a woman while intelligence or class (63 percent) rolls in fourth place. Surprisingly in last place, physical beauty rounds up the list at 61.2 percent. “Beauty is a depreciating asset, millionaires want a partner that can add significant value in their lives,” said Brandon Wade, founder and CEO of SeekingMillionaire.com.
While a bit of risky business wins a rich man’s heart, wealthy women say honesty is their most sought-after trait in the opposite sex.
SeekingMillionaire.com hosts 100,000 male millionaires for women to choose from, but “you have to create leverage by bringing something other than beauty to the table,” Wade advises. I’m not going to lie; I certainly do have dreams of a Cinderella-esque happily-ever-after life. Maybe I might actually step out of my comfort zone and give the site a try, Mr. Wade.
The study surveyed 55,785 male and 23,620 female millionaires were “asked to state and then rank which qualities they valued most in a partner,” according to a press statement.
Would you ever try to find love on a millionaire dating site?
More than ever, women are confident in their ability to compete against men in the workplace. Women between the ages of 21 and 34, also known as Generation Y, are experiencing more gender equality than older women. However, in trying to reach the perceived caliber of their male counterparts, women have become more stressed, according to a study led by FleishmanHillard and Hearst Magazines.
With a growing “anything boys can do, I can do better” attitude, 70 percent of Gen Y women described themselves as “smart” compared to 54 percent of Gen Y men. However, there is a drawback to the higher self-imposed expectations — the survey found that Gen Y women, compared to Gen X (ages 35 to 49) and baby boomers (50 to 60 years old), are pulling their hair out to reach a certain standard.
“They are describing themselves as smart and knowledgeable, but are also stressed and exhausted,” Stephen Kraus says, senior vice president of Audience Measurement Group. “Around the world young women have promise, potential and pressure, growing up with a cultural narrative that girls can do anything boys can do.”
Over the last five years, women have been ascending in workplace, but there is still a question as to why women are not paid equally as men for the same position. “Though women are more educated but paid less than their spouses, there are signs that a new global generation of Gen Y women are working hard to rectify that inequality,” said Lisa Dimino, senior vice president of FleishmanHillard.
In the study, about half believe that men disapprove of women advancing and possibly “catching up” with them. The female respondents perceived themselves as stronger than men in emotional strength, such as “having difficult conversations” and “rebounding from setbacks,” but they give credit to men in being more successful in negotiating.
The study also shows that women become less focused on personal finances and shift their attention to “longer-term concerns for self, family and business.” American women admitted their number one concern was the future of their children, which was once third on the list of priorities.
This study, titled “Woman, Power, & Money,” polled 1,008 American women between the ages of 25 and 69 with a yearly household income of $25,000 or higher.
Love him, hate him, there is a lot that we all can learn from Kanye West, particularly the benefits of believing one’s own hype:
New York Times: “Even though you had always wanted to be out in front, was there ever a point where you valued your anonymity?”
Kanye West: “Yeah, I held on to the last moments of it. I knew when I wrote the line “light-skinned friend look like Michael Jackson” [from the song “Slow Jamz"] I was going to be a big star…”
For Real Kanye? It was that line right there that was going to propel you into stardom? What cued you in to this revelation Kanye? Were you sitting in your room one day, scribbling down lines in a black and white composition notebook when – all of a sudden – the skies opened up, thunder clapped, and the voice of hundreds of tiny cherub-faced angels with harps descended upon you with a chorus of “Ave Maria”? Was there a blinding light and a deep voice, which harkened; “Go forth and share with the world, ‘Got a light-skinned friend looks like Michael Jackson/Got a dark-skinned friend looks like Michael Jackson…’ I am your father. This I command you?” If so, pass that to the left hand side…
He was right though. About the fame I mean. And I guess to some extent the line too because damn if it isn’t one of my favorite Kanye-isms. If you haven’t read the entire New York Times piece, do yourself a favor and go right now or you will miss other self-promoting gems like: “I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means. I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period. By a long jump.”
Way to speak about yourself in the third person. Nevertheless, West has a long and prominent history of inflating his own virtues. After the New York Times piece went viral, Vulture decided it would also compile a list of all the other wonderful thoughts West has had about himself, including this one:
“I’m a pop enigma. I live and breathe every element in life. I rock a bespoke suit and I go to Harold’s for fried chicken. It’s all these things at once, because, as a taste maker, I find the best of everything. There’s certain things that black people are the best at and certain things that white people are the best at. Whatever we as black people are the best at, I’ma go get that. Like, on Christmas I don’t want any food that tastes white. And when I go to purchase a house, I don’t want my credit to look black.” — Spin, December, 2007”
And this one:
“There’s nothing more to be said about music. I’m the end-all, be-all of music. I know what I’m doing. I did 808s in three weeks. I got it. It’s on cruise control … Man, we talked about music for God knows how long! Now let’s talk about how my sweater didn’t come back right from Korea. That’s what’s interesting me.” — Details, February, 2009”
And this one too:
“[In regard to a life-size poster of himself] “I put me on the wall because I was the only person that had me on the wall at that time. And now that a lot of people have me on their wall, I don’t really need to do that anymore.” — Rolling Stone, April, 2004”
West is the prime example of ‘ain’t nobody gonna get hype about you until you learn to hype yourself up first’. Yet folks generally have a hard time with being their own cheerleader and advocate. Many people go through life with such poor self-images of themselves, and the world in general, that the very idea that they might be deserving of a little praise renders them paralyzed. Instead, it’s much more comfortable to self-criticize and beat one’s self up because it means living without the burden of expectation. No one expects a person who doesn’t feel they are talented or having anything worth sharing with the world, to actually achieve anything. Therefore, they hang out in the shadows, feeling sorry for themselves and being cogs in the systems of someone else’s dream and ambition while the world pretty much passes them by. It is that endless wall-flowering, which keeps folks from going out into the world and commanding the respect that they deserve – whether it be a raise at work, from your significant other, or even with something you want to buy for yourself.
But having an almost narcissist view of one’s greatness is a perfect shield from the negative messages we tell ourselves as well and are bombarded with daily. People will tell you – out of concern, fear and flat out hateration – why what you are doing is a waste of time. Sometimes they will have legitimate points. However (and take my word for it), indulging in too many cautionary tales and giving weight to other people’s doubt – no matter how pragmatic they are – will only slow you down. If you sincerely feel like you have talent, you have to be arrogant enough to say, ‘despite everyone’s objections and my own fears, I do believe my s**t is hot, therefore this is where I’m going to put my faith.’ And by faith I mean the actual task of dedicating time and energy into something in addition to the unwavering belief that your craft has value.
I do realize that humbleness is a virtue. I also realize that there are too many people, faux-profiling, posing and gushing over social media sites without having done the work to warrant such self-flagellation. But I also understand that a little arrogance is needed when at times true confidence is hard to find. You know, faking it until you make it? Odds are, it was probably West’s inflated ego, which gave him the gumption to fund his very first music video at a time when his label wanted to put his project on the back burner for easier and more marketable hip-hop artists. And there is no doubt that it is West’s continued stroking of his own ego, which compels him to step out the box and test the limit of his artistry. You have to be a pretty vain mothersucker to sing on an album knowing damn well you are nowhere near close to being a singer. And yet, it totally worked (off-key and all), because he was going to make sure it worked.
In this day of equality and equal rights, why is it that women still expect men to automatically pay for every date? I have been dating the same woman for about four months now and every time we go out, she expects me to pay for everything. On one hand she comes off as this strong, confident woman who can handle anything and take care of herself. She orders whatever she wants and expects nothing but the best. But as soon as the bill comes or its time to pay, she looks the other way and waits patiently for me to pull out my wallet. Not once has she offered to help with the bill or to take care of the check. Of course at first I didn’t mind, it was just a casual situation and neither of us could be sure where it was going. But now things are getting more serious. I want to know that I am with a woman who cares about and not just whether I can cover the check. We are both working professionals and I think she should offer to chip in or treat me from time to time. Maybe we should even start going “Dutch.”
Tired of Paying
See what Tamara has to say about this on EurWeb.com
Claire Lower at XOXO Jane gives a great list on How to be a D*ck, Because Sometimes You Have to Be:
“By “d*ck,” I don’t mean “evil” or “cruel.” I mean “not so nice all the time.” Being nice is my preferred method of operating, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to push and shove to get anything done. Sometimes you have to be a little rude. Sometimes you offend people, but you can’t go through life worrying about offending everyone. If I did that, I couldn’t go home for Thanksgiving (because I am the most offensive person in my family, you see.”
The list is pretty standard: Be one when someone is rude and abrasive, while checking folks at concerts, standing up for yourself at work when you’re right about something, etc… It’s a shame that women have to be told that it is okay to be a d*ck as it is pretty standard modus operandi with the opposite sex. I know. You probably think being a little arrogant or straighforward is a horrible thing regardless of gender. However, some men can be crude, arrogant, rude, abrasive, pushy, loud, assertive, and basically just a**holes, but yet and still be looked upon as a good and decent human being. Charlie Sheen is an extremely arrogant individual, and a former drug addict, who once chased a female escort into the closet and called his ex-wife a N-Word, but you know, he stayed winning.
We love our rappers and their machismo boasting – except when they are women, then we think they need to stop trying to be men, act like ladies, and get some morals. When Michael Jackson abandoned his boy next door image to play tough guy opposite Wesley Snipes in the video for “Bad,” we all cheered – and some of us laughed– but for the most part, we were cool with the bad boy Jackson. Yet when Beyoncé tries to push that same sort of playful assertiveness, folks start questioning her feminism. Of course, this reaction probably wouldn’t happen if she would have a seat, but that’s another story for another day.
I can’t wait to see how folks will spin the Michelle Obama heckler situation, in which a 56-year-old gay rights activist interrupted a fundraiser dinner to confront the First Lady about her husband’s job and the First Lady basically put that situation in check. Politics aside, having someone scream something in your face, especially about things that you probably have no pertinent information about, is an infuriating experience. Yet and still, feeling like your grievances are not being addressed by your government is also infuriating. Therefore, it was a d*ckbomb waiting to explode. It just so happens that Michelle “South Side Chi-City, Baby!” Obama had rocked the other lady d*ck better. In the words of her BFF,“This my s**t, bow down…”
Recently, my father and I were talking. The topic was me. He thought I was too abrasive when debating. “I think you are incredibly smart, I just think you might want to humble yourself a little bit there.” I realize that my dad thought he was trying to help me. I also realize though the double standard that the very attribute he finds off-putting on me is the very attribute that I got from him. My dad is not is not a generous debater: he is snarky, well-read and brutally honest. And yet, pointing out the hypocrisy of his words only yields a, “Well, that’s different.” Yeah, at times, he is pretty arrogant too.
Unbeknownst to my dad, there were times in my life where I second guessed, and ultimately dismissed, the value of my voice. In short, I didn’t want people to think I was being too mean or too pushy. Many women grow up feeling that they should be tempered and always reserved, and I definitely felt that pressure. Even in the face of situations where being a bit of a d*ck needed to happen. Like when people would talk over you or completely disregard what you have to say. Like when pushy sales people wouldn’t take no for an answer. Like those times when I apologized just to keep the peace. Like those other times when I didn’t want to take a compliment because I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or left out. Like when the guy trying to holler at me down the street just wouldn’t take a pleasant smile and ever-so-thoughtful, “Thanks but no thanks” seriously. I was that person who told her friends, family, and boyfriends that, “Sure, it’s okay,” and “Don’t worry about it” when they missed birthdays, events and other milestones, or generally were not concerned about my feelings. There were things in my life that bothered me, and yet I refused to speak on them because I didn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. That was until I really started to ponder on what kind of impression of myself I was trying to avoid sharing…
That I was a woman – no, wait, a human being – with a full range of emotions?
Unfortunately, we live in a society where it is more important for a woman to be inviting and likable than it is to be actually righteous. Sure, there is strength and humility, but there is also a need for the 49 percent of the world population (and about 46 percent of the U.S. workforce), to share their spectrum of experiences, ideas, and critiques as well. And if you have to be a rude, abrasive, self-righteous a-hole to do it, then who’s gonna check you boo? As far as I am concerned, the d*ck-meter has been pretty lop-sided for far too long.
Our black is beautiful – hair, skin, and all. We shower our girls with praise by complimenting the richness of their cocoa, caramel, or vanilla colored skin. We massage their scalp and nurture their baby curls – from kinky to super wavy. We want our girls to respect and love themselves. We constantly fight the barrage of criticisms our girls may be exposed to, including negative attention swarming around their hair and skin tone. Our girls need their self-esteem lifted. What better way to celebrate the love of our culture and promote self love with our girls than through a book that our girls can relate to. Whether your little girl has a growing bookshelf or e-reader, she will want to add these must-reads to her collection.
If there was ever a study about black women that I’m inclined to believe, it’s the one about us being more confident in our appearance than other groups of women. Last month, Kate Fridkis, wrote a piece called “Why can’t women think they’re pretty?” I read the title and thought oh, that’s tragic. Let me read. And while Fridkis brought up some salient points about how women often downplay and apologize for highlighting their flattering physical features; by the end of the article I thought to myself, thank God I don’t have this problem. You can call me vain or incorrect if you want, but I’ve always thought I was pretty. And even said it, out loud, in front of people a couple of times. Now, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve consistently heard this from others, because my parents promoted self confidence or because I’m just vain. I’m sure it’s a combination of all of these things; but whatever the reason(s), I’m grateful for this ability to be content, and dare I say very pleased, with what I see in the mirror.
I knew I was good- so I started thinking about other women in my circle. I had to start with the source. My mom. My mother, who I and others regard as beautiful, doesn’t meet European or mainstream beauty standards. She’s short, overweight, has dark skin and natural hair. But I’ve never heard her speak ill of her beauty. She might have talked about wanting to lose weight or wear her hair a different way; but when it came to her natural, physical beauty, there have been times when she’s been downright cocky. The same is true for my aunts, cousins and sister on both sides of the family. Hell, even the men talk about knowing they look good. I realize it may sound like we’re a bunch of self-obsessed jerks, but we’ll just have to be that. After all, in a world where people are constantly insulting folks based on their appearance I’d prefer we be overly confident in our looks, so we can shoulder that criticism than underestimate our beauty and let the naysayers break us down.
But I want to be careful not to dismiss anyone’s experience. I know I’ve had friends on both sides of the spectrum. I’ve had the “can’t tell me nothin’” friends and the friends who would say outright, to my shock and surprise, that they didn’t think they were pretty. I get how one could come to feel this way; but really I don’t understand it. (If that makes sense.) If beauty is subjective and increased exposure increases attractiveness how could you not at least be good with the face you’ve been living with all your life?
Maybe people have just had too many critics. Maybe they’ve internalized too many beauty standards that didn’t match their own. Maybe insecurity is stronger than we could ever imagine. I can’t call it. I’m just always surprised when I hear this type of talk from black women. Unfortunately, I’ve seen and heard far too many white women say they want Jennifer Anniston’s hair, Charlize Theron’s body and Pipa Middleton’s booty. All the while completely trashing their own, perfectly attractive beauty. If there was anything positive to come from a lack of minority representation in media, it’s that black women were less likely to compare ourselves to shapes and figures we could never achieve…naturally. Maybe white women, who’ve been watching their likeness on tv, seeing it plastered on billboards and magazine spreads have come to think that these are the only examples of hotness. While black women who didn’t see themselves represented at all but had the love, affection and attention of men, black and otherwise, knew that the media couldn’t be telling the whole story and decided to be good with themselves anyway.
Again, I can’t call it. What I do know is that every woman, every person really, regardless of what others may say about him or her, should strive to be able to look in the mirror and like what they see. None of us will ever be beautiful to everyone but the least we should try to do is be drop dead gorgeous to ourselves.
Do you think you’re pretty? Do you have problems claiming this either to yourself or others?