All Articles Tagged "communication"

Just Throw It In The Bag! The Do’s And Don’ts Of Commitment

April 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

While an initial spark is all it takes for a man to ask you out and crave you sexually, there needs to be something more for him to want to commit to you exclusively. He needs to feel that he can’t wait to make you his and that he can’t stand the thought of you being with anyone else.

Rather than having “the talk” or giving him ultimatums, wouldn’t it be great if you could create that feeling so that he is the one asking you for a commitment? You can if you practice these simple steps:

1. DON’T keep bringing up the “commitment” discussion.
When you feel anxious or worried about where your relationship is headed, it’s hard to resist wanting to know what he’s thinking.

But constantly trying to talk with him about commitment feels stressful to him and will only make him dig in his heels and retreat — even if he was on the verge of committing all on his own. So, no matter how much you’re dying to know what he’s thinking, resist the temptation to bring up this tender topic.

2. DON’T try convincing him
The more you try to make a case for how great you are as a couple, the more he feels cornered and manipulated. Your reasoning feels like criticism to him and makes him unable to share his true feelings.  That’s certainly not the vibe you want to create in a loving relationship.

A man falls in love when he feels like he can make you happy by being himself and sharing the deepest parts of who he is. By rejecting those parts, you make him feel wrong and cause him to protect his true feelings — and his heart — from connecting with yours.

3. DO share your good feelings
When you feel good with a man, let him know! By opening up and sharing your feelings, you allow him to connect to you and the positive experience you are sharing. It makes him feel good that he makes you feel good, and he’ll want more of that good stuff.

As you continue to lay a stronger foundation of positive feelings, it’s only natural that he will see you as a necessary and beautiful part of his life — and he’ll want to make sure you stay in it.

Read more about commitment at YourTango.com 

Why Mean Girls Finish First When Dating

April 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Hello Beautiful

We all know the cliche, “Nice guys finish last,” but what about us? Nice girls finish after way after nice guys. Think about it. There’s books dedicated to men loving witches with a capital B. When women are apathetic, no-nonsense and could care less about what people think often serves as a challenge for men and we all know that men love challenges.

Nice women who are loyal, supportive and just want honesty and respect in return usually get the short end of the stick. I know because I’ve been all of these things to men and have seen my stick get shorter and shorter.

Somewhere along the way, romantic and genuinely sweet gestures have become annoyances and expected, so they are never truly appreciated. Love cannot be bought or earned. The receiver of the nice treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened or just ungrateful.

A few years ago, I met this adorable guy named Gavin. He was tall, smart, funny, ridiculously sweet and attentive. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. One night, Gavin wanted to hang out, but I explained to him that I was going to be celebrating my friend’s birthday at a local restaurant.

Gain sighed heavily, “And after?”

His desperation was adorable in the first couple of weeks. He loved spending time with me and was never shy to vocalize that. But after the hearts and stars in my eyes began to fade, I became increasingly irritated by his urgency. “After, I don’t know. It’s Lisa’s birthday, so we’ll probably be out,” I rolled my eyes. “I have to go babe. I’ll call you when I’m done.” I hung up, ready to complain to my girlfriends about how thirsty Gavin was becoming.

“I can’t believe you’re complaining about your boyfriend wanting to spend time with you. Why are you even with him?” One of my girlfriends challenged my disdain.

Continue this story about being nice in relationships at HelloBeautiful.com 

On The Road To Happiness: How To Fall In Love With Your Life

April 11th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

You’re walking down the street on a beautiful Spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and a gentle breeze of sweet air is blowing through the trees. Everything is perfect in this moment, and you feel the magic of the Universe come alive.  But then, a thought pops into your head:  This is such an amazing moment, if only I had a boyfriend to share this with me.  And then, suddenly, your mood shifts.  You go from being happy and peaceful, to being sad and anxious.  What happened?

So often we focus our attention on the things we don’t have, rather than noticing and appreciating the things we do have. A lot of this has to do with our American culture, no doubt. Marketing has done a great job of convincing us that we are not really happy right now…that in order to experience *true* happiness, we must have whatever they are selling. Only then will you be truly happy, as if that *thing* is some magical key that unlocks your door of happiness.  They do this with cars, retirement accounts, technology, sex, drugs, and even love. When was the last time you saw an advertisement for a new dating site that promised you unlimited joy and happiness by finding the love of your life on their site?

We’ve become so accustomed to this, that we no longer even need outside marketers to remind us of our current unhappiness and need for something else. We now do it ourselves. Whenever we feel a moment of happiness, we quickly remind ourselves that we can’t possibly be truly happy because we don’t have a boyfriend yet, and the new iPhone just came out and we can’t afford it, and we have no plans for dinner tonight. And if only we had those things right now, *then* we would be truly happy.  But here’s the irony…you can never have it all. Because no matter what you have, there will be always more to get. Our Universe is infinitely abundant; there is always more to expand into and accept into our lives. So when do you have enough to just be happy right now?

Read more about happiness at YourTango.com 

10 Reasons He Loves Being A Bachelor

April 11th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

These days a lot of us are choosing to be single. We’re throwing away the mentality that by a certain age we should “settle down.” I mean, the concept never really sounded that great to begin with. However, I think that society has afforded us a new opportunity to live fulfilling lives without letting go of the single status. I’m not saying that it’s right and marriage is wrong, I’m just saying it’s an option that more people are choosing. It used to be a time that if a man or woman had reached the age of 30 and they weren’t married, we automatically assumed something was wrong with them. Nope maybe they’ve just got their reasons. Here’s a list of ten reasons why men can’t stop being a bachelor:

  1. It’s all his, he doesn’t have to share. – Part of every relationship is sharing. The turnoff is that nobody really likes to share. Right now, everything he owns is his and it’s the way he wants it to be. He doesn’t want someone else coming and taking up his time with his things.
  2. His life is pretty awesome. – He can go where he wants, he can do what he wants, and he can do who he wants. He doesn’t have any ties to anyone and there is nothing pulling on him. We call this freedom. The ultimate goal in life is not to live one of slavery and being tied down.
  3. He hasn’t met the one who makes him want to change. – There are some men who are willing to give a relationship a try even when they don’t think she’s the one for them. They hope that over time they’ll grow to love them. Then there are the ones who don’t budge until he meets the one who makes him want to change everything in his life for her. If he is the latter, he’s not budging until he meets her.
  4. No really, his life is pretty awesome. – I don’t think you understand, the life he lives is awesome. When they say relationships are hard work, they mean it. When they tell you to stay single as long as you can, they meant it. He’s got the freedom to pick up and go at a moment’s notice. This makes his personal and professional life soar. He doesn’t want to give that up.
  5. Coupled and married life sounds pretty boring. – When he talks to all his friends that are married or in serious relationships; their life sounds boring. They’re talking about date nights, wine tasting, shopping for things for the home and splitting TV shows with the misses. His boys are all talking about their kids and “saving.” He’s more interested in living and riding life until the wheels fall off.
  6. The women in his life are too important and he’s not dating any of them. – If he’s made it this far there’s probably a lot of female friends and a mama hanging around. When those women become too important in his life there isn’t much room for anymore estrogen. He knows this and he knows that any type of relationship will require a shift that he’s not interested in.
  7. It’s much easier to get ahead in life. – When I said that it makes it easier for his professional life to soar, I wasn’t kidding. Some of our best years in our career are when we have nothing else to worry about our career. It also helps you reach your goals when you have an individualistic approach to reaching them. If he wants to work 100 hours a week, there’s nobody there to tell him things like, “you spend time on things, you want to spend time on” in an attempt to guilt trip him in changing priorities.

Read more about dating at SingleBlackMale.org 

Criticism Kills Your Relationship: How To Stop It Now

April 8th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

A Simple Antidote to Criticism― Love’s Poison — Stop It. Here’s How…

Over the years, many clients have complained about critical partners and how they feel that their every move is under surveillance. Both men and women suffer the strain of life under a microscope and the stress of intense scrutiny by a partner.

If unaddressed, living with a highly critical and/or judgmental person can be one of the most detrimental relationship dynamics. Unhealthy criticism undercuts the basic cornerstones of good relationships: the feelings of safety and approval. Its corrosive effect often makes vitality or spontaneity impossible.

To survive psychically the criticized, judged partner crawls under a shell of self-protection.  Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.

Another tactic is called “distancing” when a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds as if from afar in a polite way. Friends, work, children, exercise, texts, instant messages, ipads, facebook, screen games, television, books and newspapers can serve as buffers. So can withdrawing and becoming emotionally unavailable. The partner preserves him/her “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away.

Read more about criticism and love at YourTango.com 

#Facts: How A Man Knows He’s Dating A High Quality Woman

April 4th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

I came across an article over on Thought Catalog titled “13 Ways You Know You’re Dating a High-Quality Woman.” Here are some of my favorites or most cosign-able items from the list, and a few thoughts to go along with them:

4. She has a part of her life that doesn’t involve you. Friends, hobbies, career — whatever. She’s confident and independent enough to not need your involvement in everything she does.

You really don’t need to do everything and be everywhere together. In fact, I don’t even think that’s healthy. Men still like to hang with the fellas, and we’d like to hope that our sig others would still want to see their girls. Besides, what else is there to talk about when you know everything because you’re always there?

5. You wouldn’t think twice about inviting her into different parts of your life: a barbecue with your college friends, a dinner with your parents, a fancy work party — she knows how to handle herself in different settings. She’s mature enough to make a good impression with your colleagues and wise enough to know letting loose with your friends and having fun doesn’t mean she’s immature.

7. When she is in a situation where she doesn’t know people, she introduces herself confidently. She doesn’t cling meekly to your side waiting for you to facilitate every social interaction.

These two go together. A high-quality woman makes our lives easier. If even for a few minutes at a time. It can be difficult when you’re out at an event and trying to network or catch up with people, but you can’t focus on the conversations because you’re worried about her in the corner, or you’re constantly trying to weave her into chats. Don’t get it twisted; it’s polite and we should be proud to introduce her to people. However, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. This is another time where independence comes in handy.

Read more about dating at SingleBlackMale.org 

The 6 Wackiest Break Up Lines We’ve All Heard

April 4th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

We’ve all heard them and, most likely, we’ve all used them: the lame, not-at-all creative, not necessarily believable breakup excuses. They are cliché, catchphrase, and so common they deserve a place in the dictionary…. or the trash can. They may be all these things, but they are also here to stay.

But, that’s not even the most annoying part. The worst thing about lame breakup excuses is that they are rarely honest: if someone is breaking up with you, you want to know why, and you deserve to know why. What you don’t want is someone with an excuse that reads like it’s written on a teleprompter. “I (insert name here) am just not ready for all this…” And Blah, Blah, Blah.

That is, of course, the bad news. The good news is that lame breakup excuses provide us with, at the very least, blog material. We can poke fun at them, and poke fun at them we will. So, I give you some of dating’s dumbest, lamest, and corniest breakup excuses:

“It’s not you, it’s me”
Ah, the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. An oldie, but not a goodie. The lamest thing about this excuse is that it is a bold faced lie. The person who is using it is really saying, “It’s you, I’m awesome.” If it really wasn’t you, they wouldn’t be initiating a breakup to begin with.

“I’m not ready for commitment”
Taken straight from the “How to Waste Someone’s Time Handbook” comes the commitment excuse. Milli Vanilli blamed it on the rain, and the people using this excuse are blaming it on fear of obligation. What do they have in common? They are both full of crap (yet, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I still have a Milli Vanilli tape…and yes, I listen to it). People who say they are not ready to commit really mean that they are not ready to commit with you. If they weren’t ready to commit with anyone, then why would they be dating in the first place? An exception to this may be the people who insist, from the start, that they aren’t looking for anything serious. They may genuinely run from commitment like Kanye West runs toward a mirror.

Read more about breakups at YourTango.com

“A Man Would Suck On A Cow’s T*tty If The Cow Would Let Him. ” How To Remove Crazy Thoughts About Men

April 3rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

I made a comment recently saying, “No other person is a threat to us unless it’s violence.” Whether it’s your husband’s secretary, the cute guy working behind the reception counter at the gym, a the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, or a co-worker and so on, it seems that many women and men have moderate to high levels of jealousy regarding their spouses/partners.

Here are six examples of thinking patterns that support jealous thoughts and feelings:

  1. High-risk Thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as they may steal them from me. All others are a risk to my relationship security.
  2. Fantasy Thinking: My partner will never find anyone more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied by me; therefore, when he/she thinks differently than my fantasy, I am hurt, rejected and threatened.
  3. Fear/Self-Loathing Thinking: Oh, s/he is better looking than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know s/he’ll leave me for him/her. I hate her/him!
  4. All Men Thinking: All men lie and cheat, I should expect it. He looked over at her, I know he’ll cheat on me. A man would suck on a cows titty if the cow would let him.
  5. Backpack Thinking: My ex cheated, so I can’t trust that someone will be faithful. Even if my partner/spouse seems trustworthy, inside I don’t believe it. They’re guilty even if they haven’t stepped out (yet).
  6. Projection Thinking: Look at the attention they are giving to him/her, I bet he/she wants to sleep with them. I need to question, pry, spy and accuse, because I can’t let my partner know I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them.

Read more jealousy at YourTango.com 

Should You Go On A Last Minute Date?

April 2nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

When a man calls very last minute to ask you out on a date it’s easy to turn him down.  You’ve got plans.  You have a life.  You’re don’t have time to sit around and wait on him.  Fair enough.

But what’s it costing you?  If you’re not available or spontaneous to date, you could lose a quality man.  It’s a missed opportunity.

Now if you’re thinking, “he should call before” or  “I don’t want to seem too available.”  I get it.  It’s nice to plan ahead.  It’s great when he calls in advance.

But there’s something you should know … Men often make last minute plans because that’s how their brains work.  Generally, they can only think of one thing at time.  So if he’s been working, working, working and finishes, he shifts his thoughts to play and that’s when he thinks about you …

How much fun it would be to see you …

How he’d love to see you laugh …

And that’s when he calls.

And if you’re not available, you risk his asking out someone else.  He could see your being unavailable as his not being your priority and move on.

And there’s nothing worse than the thought of the “coulda-been-your-man” in the arms of another woman.

Read more about dating at YourTango.com 

7 Games Men Love To Play In Relationships

March 28th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

We all know that men love games, often to our detriment. For whatever reasons, men have been wired to play games and have killed many relationships as a result. Below are 7 board games that men have projected into their own lives and romantic relationships.

1.)    Candy Land: Men love sweet, delicious, “candy.” They will walk, run, and camp out on the road to get that sweet, delicious  “candy.” The greatest offense that men make in Candy Land is letting their imagination drift too far from reality.

2.)    Scrabble: Making women work through information (lack of information, mis-information, false information) to determine where they stand in your life. The greatest offense that men make in Scrabble is that think transparency is not a part of the game.

3.)    Jenga: Physically/mentally moving blocks from the bottom of the tower without making the tower fall. Men do this all the time in relationships, removing foundational pieces to the relationship (trust, honesty, communication) and believing that the tower (relationship) won’t fall. The greatest offense that men make in Jenga is that they don’t value those foundational blocks.

4.)    Monopoly: Forsaking everything, including relationships for financial advancement and power. The greatest offense that men make in Monopoly, they get consumed with more of the wrong things.

Read more about love and games at SingleBlackMale.org 

 

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