All Articles Tagged "communication"
There are two different ways to listen to our partner – problem-solving listening and empathic listening. Oftentimes we get intoconflict because we are not using the type of listening that is needed or expected by our partner, which can result in hurt feelings on both sides. By learning how to utilize both types listening and when to use which type of listening and why, you and your partner will be better able to understand and support each other.
Sarah and Douglas, a couple in their late 30′s, recently came to a couple’s therapy session. They sit down and immediately Sarah says “I can’t get him to listen to me. I try to talk to him more about what’s happening with me like we talked about in the other session, but it’s just not working. He doesn’t have the capacity and I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Clearly, Sarah is very upset.
Douglas, on the other hand, is visibly surprised by her words. He responds with “I don’t understand – I thought we had a great conversation. You talked to me about your work, and I listened and told you what I thought and we were really getting somewhere.” I could see that Sarah and Douglas had very different experiences of their recent conversation, so I asked a few more questions to try to get a better sense of why.
Sarah had a major conflict with a colleague at work and was very concerned about how it would affect their project. When she talked to Douglas about it, he listened and told her what he thought – that she should talk to her boss first to get a strategy for how to handle the situation and only then talk to her colleague, etc. Douglas was trying to be supportive by helping her deal with the situation. Sarah was upset because she didn’t feel that he really understood how upset she was by the situation, and his advice didn’t address that either. This demonstrates the two basic types of listening, and the frustrations couples go through when they are offering one, and the partner wants the other.
Read more at YourTango.com
So many couples end up in a situation where they argue about the same thing over and over. This is partially because not all arguments are solvable and partially because couples sometimes choose the wrong things to argue about. Here are some common reasons why it is so difficult for most couples to choose their battles successfully and below, ways to learn how to move on and choose wisely.
1. Bad Moods
Sometimes we pick a fight with our partner because we are in a bad mood or upset about something other than what our partner has just said or done to us. We need a place to vent our frustration, anger or sadness and we believe our partner can handle whatever we throw at them.
2. Feelings Of Inequality
If we feel we are no longer equals with our partner, our natural reaction is to fight to regain power. We want to feel respected and valued and if it that does not happen automatically, after a point, we demand it. However, we often misattribute our disappointment by fighting about a different topic rather than the issue at hand: that we feel disrespected. Feeling powerless can come from feeling as if your partner does not listen to you or does not pay enough attention to you, if you feel unappreciated for the things you do in the relationship, or if you feel your partner “gets his/her way” more often than you do, etc. It is a common experience in many relationships, particularly unhealthy ones, but needs to be addressed for what it is and not masked by an unimportant argument that is unrelated.
3. The Need To Win
Related to feeling powerless, sometimes we want the feeling of “winning” to know that we are taken seriously in the relationship. When we win an argument, our partner has had to back down from their point of view, which makes us feel more influential. Thus, we will pick a topic that we may not necessarily feel very strongly about, but will fight to the death on it until we experience the “thrill of the win”. Backing down can feel like a sign of weakness and that fuels us to fight harder. This is often a more passive-aggressive method to regaining power.
4. Fear Of Intimacy
Some couples tend to “thrive” on bickering and argue about anything and everything. Mostly, these couples are afraid of intimacy and/or vulnerability and hide behind the “stronger” façade of argumentative behavior.
Read more at YourTango.com
Okay, once again, here’s the scenario. You call up a male friend in another city, say Los Angeles, and say, “Hey, I am coming into town on such and such a date, can I stay at your place?”
Now keep in mind that you have never slept with this friend and you have other friends in the same town that you could potentially stay with, so this man is going to have a bit of anticipation because of your choice. (When to Have Sex with the Man You’re Dating?)
Your friend is a nice guy and accommodates you. He goes two hours out of his way, round trip, to pick you up from the airport, simply because you were unable, too cheap or just didn’t think to get a rental car. But whatever; you now expect this friend to cater to your needs by running you around town. Can I say: Get a bus pass?
Okay, as a rule of thumb, if you call and invite yourself to a man’s home in another state, come prepared to take care of your business and at least ask him, at the bare minimum, if he needs anything. I mean, if the man has provided lodging, then right off the bat, you are saving hundreds of dollars on hotel costs. Right?
So he picks you up from the airport. Keep in mind you’re not sleeping with him; in fact, now you are back in the safety and comfort of his home in a gigantic king-sized bed of your own, not to mention your own bathroom. He now reluctantly asks if you know how to give a massage. After all, he has a headache from a very long day–facing two hours of driving in LA traffic, highway construction projects and road detours just to pick you up. And you say no. Okay, I know what you are thinking, but I don’t care if you give a massage in your panties, in your bathrobe, down on your knees or fully clothed. No is not an option. Besides, is it “no” as in you don’t feel like it, or “no,” as in you don’t know how to give a massage? In that case, you’re 27 years old and do not know how to give a man a basic massage? Are you kidding me? You are a prime candidate to be cheated on.
Okay, so let’s be realistic here and go deeper. You are somewhat of a decent-looking woman; I will give you that. You can dress nicely; I’ll give you that. But the real question is, what do you bring to the table that benefits anyone besides you? Here is the honest-to-goodness opinion of an intelligent man viewing your behavior: “She is not a supermodel; she’s in the middle of the road. She is not willing to sleep with me, she called and invited herself to stay at my home, she expects to be picked up from the airport, she does not know how to give a basic massage, she was too cheap to get a rental car (which means she is broke) and she never even asked if I needed anything. So she is broke and cheap and it was always about her–how her hair looks and what she is going to wear.” Who are you really going to catch–the Man of Your Dreams? More like the man of right now.
Read more at YourTango.com
When you’re single and dissatisfied with love, ladies, do yourselves a favor: don’t log onto Facebook. It’s the absolute worst thing you could do.
Think about it: In your newsfeed, you face an endless stream of happy couples in love. And when you’re recovering from a devastating breakup, the last thing you want is to be bombarded with smiling couples making kissy faces, gushing statuses about date nights and baby’s firsts and wedding planning. This is the kind of cheery optimism that makes you stop and quietly wonder to yourself, “Geez, am I behind everyone else?”
When I was in college, it seemed like everyone I knew was getting “OMG #engaged!!!” Cue the countdown apps to “the big day” and rants about the typography on the invitations not being perfectly right, gushing about picking out bridesmaid dresses, and Instagram photos with the caption “Should I pick Badgley Mishka or Jimmy Choo for my bridal shoes? Help me pick, girls! ”. Ughhh.
But even more unbearable and unavoidable is an oversharer’s worst weapon — tagging. I knew one lucky bride-to-be who tagged every invited wedding guest whenever an announcement was made about her upcoming nuptials. (Needless to say, I defriended her faster than you can say “I do”.)
Zoe Strimpel would agree. She’s the author of Man Diet: One Woman’s Quest to End BadRomance and recently spoke out against Facebook at a lecture. “What [Facebook] does is it enhances the sense that your life is lacking,” she said to The Daily Mail, ”and specifically, when you are single, you focus in on all those pictures of perfect weddings, perfect babies, perfect couples.”
This isn’t exactly a revolutionary concept. It’s the ultimate and oft-written about ironic twist to Facebook: our online social networks disconnect us from our in-person social networks. And what we see online is not always reality.
Read more at YourTango.com
I need your advice so badly. I’ve been married to the love of my life for six years and we have two kids together. We’ve been together since my oldest son was 11 months old. Lately my husband tells me that he is no longer interested in having sex because he has gained a little weight. I keep assuring him that I love him no matter what – whether he’s big or small. I hate to think that he is interested in someone else because we have been through that before. I’m lonely, horny and I need his attention. I love my husband, but I have needs too. So, what do I do now? And, how do I do it? (I’m about to burst!) Thank you ever so much.
Read how Dr. Sherry responds to this letter at Essence.com
Do you know how to captivate a mans attention and affection toward you?
Are often times struggling with finding a man who completes you and suits your needs in a relationship?
Do you find yourself meeting men but realizing there so completely wrong for you, why can’t you just attract the right man that will complete you.
Attraction can be a rare thing, you’re probably saying ya right, men are attracted to me all the time… I am not talking about lust attraction, I am speaking about heart burning desire attraction.
What is about to be released to you is a secret for attracting men and finding out exactly what they adore in a woman that keeps a man around for long term.
Haven’t you wondered why some woman can get a man and have a long term happy relationship and you can’t.
Possibly they have discovered the very thing I am talking about right, that true deep heart burning desire and attraction men get for a woman.
Read more at YourTango.com
Discovering how to get a guy to like you can be a complex, frustrating and sometimes very counter-intuitive process. While I am known as the “sex guru”, today I want to share 3 very powerful methods, tactics, and techniques to get a guy like you and want to be with you.
1. Guys Are Cats
The first thing to say on the subject of learning how to get a guy want you is that you need to realise that men are just like cats. Sounds a little weird, but hear me out! Ever see a cat chase after a toy that is just sitting there? I certainly haven’t. However, when it’s dangled in front of them, but still remains slightly out of reach they literally go crazy for it.
They jump around, chase, sprint and pretty much will do whatever it needs to do to catch this “just out of reach” toy.
Bizarrely, guys are exactly the same. If you are easy to win over, not a challenge and just wait there for a guy to “catch” you, then you can be pretty sure that he’s not going to be that interested in you. But if you are fun, exciting, playful, flirty, just out of reach, then he is going to be a lot more likely to desire and chase after you.
By the way, if you want to learn how to talk dirty to attract and keep your man, then you may be interested in watching this presention.
2. Let’s Be Honest For A Second…
The second thing that I have to say on the topic of learning how to get a guy to like you is maybe not something you want to hear…but it’s vital. There are certain attraction triggers that will make guys like you and see you in a totally different light (read: attractive light)
Here are the 3 most important:
Are You Healthy? Going to the gym in of itself doesn’t make you healthy. Eating right isn’t the only important factor to being healthy. Being thin is a goal of many women, but again this may not necessarily make you healthier. But combining these 3 things, going to the gym, maintaining a healthy weight and eating right is going to massively contribute to being much healthier.
You see, guys aren’t really looking for a skinny woman or gym bunny or a nutritious eater. They are naturally attracted to someone who is healthy. Being lean is the result of being healthy. So ask yourself, “Am I doing everything possible to be healthy?”
Do You Dress To Impress? The next thing I want to talk about is how you dress. I am absolutely not talking about being fashionable. Being fashionable is certainly fun, but it you are keen to make a guy want you and chase you, then you should think more about dressing attractively to accentuate your good points.
I can honestly tell you this as guy: men just don’t care about fashion nearly as much as women do. As a result, we often don’t even notice the latest trends or what’s hot. So to reiterate, rather that dressing fashionably, dress attractively. The difference is often subtle, but it’s crucial to making a guy want to be with you.
Debbie Downer Or Susie Smiles? I know “Susie Smiles” sounds a little cheesy, but I hope you get my point. Are you a fun person to be around, a depressing person to be around, or a boring person to be around? The majority of guys don’t want to hang around a girl that’s boring or depressing, no matter how attractive she is. They’d prefer to run a mile to be perfectly honest.
So when I say that you should be a fun person and a positive person to be around, I don’t mean that you should be some sort of psycho-happy-all-the-time person. I’m saying that you should do your best to see the good in the world and be at least a little bit more positive.
Read more at YourTango.com
Throughout your lifetime you will run into lots of advice about how to “catch” a man, how to “be attractive” to men, how to “keep” a man… the list goes on. Can I tell you right now that that advice is pure and total crap? Sure, you can follow those instructions and “catch” yourself a man, but if you’ve followed said advice, is he really going to be the man you want? Because if a man has to be caught like a bass fish then you might consider setting him free, and instead look for a partner; not a fish. As you constantly tell me: “Just sayin’.”
So here, my wonderful girl, are some qualities that I think should be non-negotiable for the man who is lucky enough to be a partner in your life.
1. Don’t bother with a man who you think cares about you but can’t show you or say so.
If he can’t tell you how much he loves you, then he’s not going to be able to handle the big conversations that are required for a healthy, long-term relationship. Not to mention that you deserve to hear words that relay love and affection throughout your entire life.
2. Don’t even think of spending more than a few hours with a man who isn’t every bit as interested in you as you are in him.
If you’ve gone on a couple of dates with him and he hasn’t asked you any questions about you, run like an ax-murderer is chasing you. Just RUN! The best relationships are filled with mutual respect and mutual interest in each other’s lives. Self-centeredness is truly one of the worst qualities you can find in a potential mate.
Read more at YourTango.com
From Hello Beautiful
Diggy Simmons posted a photo of himself after a workout and I had to clutch my pearls, drop them and immediately pray to God to deliver me from the lust rising up in my loins. Sheesh! What a hottie! But wait, I immediately remember watching him come of age on screen in “Run’s House.” But all of those images of Daniel Simmons as a child were washed clean from my memory’s museum and I was left with the above image of Diggy. And my mind is still wandering into the land of illegal fantasies. The same thing happened to me when Romeo all of a sudden grew up and became a sex symbol. But the only issue was and is…these sex symbols are getting younger and younger and I’m getting…le sigh older.
I was just having this conversation with a friend of mine. I turned 29 this year and while I know this isn’t old; I’ve been faced with the end of an era. I am in the last year of my 20s. le sigh That means the years of reckless abandon with minimal consequences is gone, a thing of the past. That also means I need to button it up and stop looking at this young tenderonis with lust in my eyes because I am too damn old!
I was 24 when I met Will. He was 19. As soon as I found out his age, I knew that we would only be a summer fling. I met him in Cinco de Mayo, on the way home from drinking more tequila than I thought humanly possible. He sat across from me on the train and I watched his eyeballs dance up and down my body, lingering on my exposed toes; so I crossed and uncrossed my legs, trying to divert his gaze, but those sparkling brown eyes were locked on my toes, until he looked up and locked eyes with me. “You caught me,” he laughed.
“Yeah, were you really looking at my feet, though?” Surprisingly, I was smiling too. Between my lowered inhibitions and curiosity, Will had my attention. Tipsy or not, I knew he couldn’t have been a day over 21, but because I knew he had a freaky interest in me, I decided to share my number with him. I’m all about exploring my freaky side. Sue me.
During our first chat, Will admitted that he has a foot and couldn’t get enough of staring at my larger-than-most-women’s feet and wanted to “pamper my toes.” I was all the way intrigued. Will then admitted something I wasn’t quite ready for–”I’m 19,” he answered when I asked him his age, praying that he’d be at least 21.
As a 24-year-old, I knew that I was approaching my mid twenties and flings with guys younger than me was pretty much out of the question. The first time this realization reared it’s ugly head was when I invited Will over for dinner and asked him to bring something for us to drink and he came bearing the gift of…Pepsi. I looked at the cola and said, “I meant for you to bring wine. We’re having pasta.”
Read more at HelloBeautiful.com
While Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro may have set a pretty terrifying example, they definitely hit the Meeting The Parents nail on the head when it comes to unnecessary anxiety. In some cases, the mere suggestion can conjure up more apprehension than a freaking job interview. Because essentially, I suppose it is one. From the second you enter the room, you are being assessed. What can you bring to the table? Will you qualify as a proper counterpart for the child that these people have spent decades teaching, loving, and fussing over? Also, why are you wearing those weird shoes?
Before you sweat through your silk shirt this holiday season, check out these five stories told to YourTango about the universally dreaded meeting-the-parents-encounter, and consider yourself lucky to have avoided these awkward (and sometimes hilarious) situations!
1 . Sometimes It’s Your Parents — Not Your Significant Other — Who You Have To Worry About
The first time her ex-boyfriend Chris came over to meet her family was the first time Lauren’s dad has ever acted like a jerk to embarrass her. “I told my parents that he was coming over and they played it cool all day, until right before he got there,” she said. Lauren, a proud owner of two rabbits, who are free to hop and roam around the house as they please, was confused to find her dad rounding them up as she gave Chris the final directions to her house over the phone. “We have a small rabbit-sized harness that we use for trips to the vet so that they can’t run away,” she said. “Right as Chris pulls up, my dad puts on flip flops, grabs one of the rabbits, puts the harness on him and proceeds to walk the rabbit around on the front lawn,” she said. “He was just parading around out there like it was totally normal, with his hand on his hip following the rabbit around. When I asked him to knock it off, he claimed that it was his house, and he could do what he wanted, and had to pause his rabbit-walk to meet my boyfriend for the first time. Cool.”
2. Being The Side-Dish-Turned-Main-Course Makes For A Tough Intro To The Family
“Jack was in a different relationship when we first started seeing each other, so you can imagine the awkwardness I felt the first few times I went to his house,” said Meghan. While she knew she wasn’t exactly involving herself in the best situation, the feelings that she had developed for Jack overwhelmed her sense of logic, and she continued to see him until he broke up with his then-girlfriend. The first time she met his brother, she was introduced as a ‘friend.’ “After a few weeks, he finally confirmed to his parents that I was now the ‘new girlfriend.’ Needless to say, this may or may have not been the reason I never received any warm or fuzzy feelings from his Mother,” said Meghan, “Or maybe it was my tattoos. Either way, they questioned my character from day one, completely disregarding the fact that her son was the one who cheated on his girlfriend and so quickly moved on, not me!” Um, double standard much? Not cool.
3. While It’s Not Ideal, You Can Still Make A Good Impression If You’re Hung Over
“The first time I met my ex-boyfriend’s parents, I woke up in their guest room when they didn’t even know I was sleeping over,” said Shelly. “I was incredibly hung-over and had to throw up every ten minutes while we were having a conversation,” she said. “They kept asking if I was okay, but I kept making up a different excuse as to why I had to return to the bathroom.” Between “fixing her hair,” “brushing her teeth,” and “blowing her nose,” Shelly was running out of excuses. “They definitely caught on to the fact that I was a still-drunk, disgusting mess,” she said, “but they still really liked me for some reason.” Win!
Read more at YourTango.com