All Articles Tagged "commitment"
Most times, when people ponder which gender is more prone to wanting to make a relationship “official” sooner, females are likely to be the gender that they go with. But, a new survey conducted by Glamour in conjunction with Zoosk.com suggests that the fellas are desiring a commitment earlier than the ladies are.
In the survey, which was conducted on 1,441 men and 1,147 women, 43% of the men said that people should usually make a relationship official after a few good dates. On the other hand, the study revealed that women are more likely to wait a few months before they begin “sealing deals” and passing out titles.
While this probably won’t come as much of a shocker, when asked when the most appropriate time to get intimate was, 42.1% of the guys said after the third date, while 52.8% of the ladies said they’d prefer to wait until an official commitment has been communicated. Both men and women agreed that a pair should begin meeting each other’s families right after they officially commit to one another and that the couple can start meeting each other’s friends after 1 to 5 dates.
When asked who should say, “I love you,” first, both men and women expressed that it doesn’t really make a difference. The ladies and the fellas also agreed that when to exchange keys and when to get engaged are “complex issues” that can’t be timed. And finally, both men and women agreed that they like the idea of living together prior to getting engaged.
What are your thoughts on relationship timelines? Are they necessary or uncalled for?
Tying the knot is a big step in life and while you may seem ready, there are definitely some things you’ll want to know before you say your vows and commit to just one man. Some of these small details can really impact your relationship, negatively or positively. So, if you’re hearing wedding bells in the near future, before it becomes official, here are some must-know details.
Recently, a few of my friends have come across the sentiment that men don’t want to even date seriously if they’re not in a certain place financially. Can you explain whether this is really a thing or an excuse to avoid commitment? And if it is a thing what types of markers do men need before they can feel comfortable progressing in a relationship?
Curious About Men And Cash
Ladies, how many times have you heard from a man that you are currently dating, currently sleeping with, or a man you think you’re dating say to you that he only wants to be friends, he’s not looking for an exclusive relationship, or that he does not want to be married? How many times have you heard the phrases “I’m not ready to settle down just yet”, “I know you’re a good woman but…”, or “I think we should just be friends” after you have engaged in a plethora of relationship-like activities?
Why is it that when a man is honest about what he does and does not want in a relationship (if he wants a relationship at all) we don’t take to head and heart what he is saying? Why is it that we hear these phrases and other words, but in most cases we don’t really listen to what the man is really saying? Is it because we want to hear and believe something else? Or is it because we believe we can change his mind about wanting a relationship?
When a man makes it clear that he does not want an exclusive relationship with one woman, why do we as intelligent women settle for less than what we want and move forward with a man who does not want the same thing? Why do we play ourselves and lead ourselves on by engaging in monogamous relationships with men who don’t want relationships? The answer is simple… in most cases we subconsciously believe that all good men are taken, that there is a shortage of men to have productive relationships with, and we want to keep a man that we are involved with because we are afraid that if we let him go our chances of getting married will become more narrow.
When two people are intensely involved with each other it is easy to do and say things that feel right to keep the excitement going. However, what most people (women in particular) fail to realize is that only one person views the involvement as a relationship (unless otherwise stated and discussed), while the other person has in their mind that’s it not. Ladies if it is your desire to have a relationship with the potential for marriage then you should get involved with men who want the same. I know it may seem as though a man you are involved with want the same things you want, but that may not be the case. A few ways you can avoid playing yourself in a relationship are:
- Talk to him about his views on monogamy and marriage to see if you are on the same page. Many people skip this step in relationships, but this is one of the most important steps! Why? Because this is the time where both people discuss their expectations of each other with each other and whether or not they both agree to move forward. Don’t’ play yourself!
- Don’t believe every man you meet is the one. So many women are so desperate to be married they believe every man that takes them to dinner, or every man that has an interest in them is the one they are destined to marry. While every man has a purpose in your life, every man is not the man that was created for you. Don’t’ play yourself!
- Look more into his actions rather than listening to his words. Ladies this is so important! A man can tell you that you are the one he is going to marry…he can even take you ring shopping! But if he does not propose marriage to you on bended knee with ring in hand, his words are just words and it is up to you whether you believe him or not. Don’t play yourself!
- If he’s honest with you about what he wants, and it’s not what you want, don’t be upset and don’t try to change his mind. Move on gracefully as being his friend, or move on without him. But be mindful that if you choose to move forward with him as his friend remember that the relationship can easily drift into something more that only you may want. Don’t play yourself!
- Establish standards of your own and keep them. Establishing standards for yourself will allow you to stay focused on your relationship goals and won’t allow you to settle for anything less than what you deserve. Don’t’ play yourself!
Ladies it is easy for us to get caught up in a man, who he is and what he has to offer, but if we don’t want our hearts to be broken and get caught up in dead end relationships then we must take the time to know the status of a relationship we are involved with from both parties’ perspectives. Don’t allow a man to play you in a relationship, and don’t play yourself either.
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
By Christopher Brya
When people want relationship advice, they usually ask one expert – a columnist, counselor, or friend. But why not ask the guys themselves: What makes you commit, and why are you so afraid to just do it already?
We recently asked over 250,000 real men the tough questions on communication, sex, dating, romance and marriage, and collected the answers in the new book WTF Are Men Thinking. And after interviewing a quarter of a million guys, we can finally provide some real insight into how to make him commit.
1) Go with the flow.
What’s the personality trait that guys look for the most? It’s not your sense of humor. Guys told us that, more than anything else, they’re looking for someone who is easygoing and spontaneous. 58% of them said it was the most important quality that they needed in a long-term partner.
Think of fun and spontaneous ways to surprise your man – whether it’s buying a bottle of champagne “just because” or taking a quick getaway. And stay away from the ultimatums! Nothing says “I can’t go with the flow” than giving your guy a list of demands.
2) Show him who you really are.
Why are so many guys scared of commitment? Simple: They still feel like they know you well enough. Men told us that the #1 reason they fear commitment is that worry they won’t pick the right woman. They take so long because they really want to get to know you, to the degree that they need to make a promise for the long haul.
To show him that you’re ready to be “the one,” be open and honest, while keeping a positive attitude and being supportive. Above all, be consistent about who you are. If you try to be something you’re not, your true colors will eventually show. And big mood swings are a surefire way to make him head to the door – the men told us that a personality change is the biggest sign that the relationship is over.
3) Let him take the wheel.
While the overwhelming majority of men told us that they like when the woman takes the lead in the bedroom (95% of guys said it’s Hot when a girl makes the first move), they still need to feel like they are in the driver’s seat when it comes to the bigger relationship issues. Men want to feel in control, and that includes when they take relationships to the next level. When we asked what drives them away, the men said that their biggest turn-off is a girl who is too controlling.
Men want commitment on their timeline, not yours. This can be exasperating for some women, because the timelines and relationship trajectories they have in mind might be completely different than those of their guys. But one thing men almost universally agree upon is that pressuring them will almost always do the opposite from what women intend. Give him the room (and time) to make the judgment on his own that you are really are the one for him.
Christopher Brya is the co-author, with Miguel Almaraz, of WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. He is the founder of Solavista Research and has worked for 20 years in marketing research and user experience research for brands like Revlon and Motorola. He’s one of those guys who buy wine based solely on the design of the label. He lives in Phoenix with his wife and two toddlers.
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Just when you think the world is full of love and sunshine and rainbows, yet another study comes along and smacks you in the face to prove otherwise. Turns out that a lot of men don’t enter into commitments like marriage out of a genuine bond toward a woman — they seem to do it just because. Let’s explore, shall we?
The new Match.com Singles in America study found that 25 percent of men will agree to commit to a woman even if they aren’t romantically or sexually attracted to her. According to the study, it seems that both single men and women — although men more so — are looking for companionship, rather than completion. So forget about that scene in Jerry Maguire and accept that you may never hear those words: “You complete me.” You’re more likely to hear, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Here are some reasons men walk down the aisle even if they’re not feelin’ it.
Read more at YourTango
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Relationships are not easy but they can be even more difficult when the timing is off. I’m not referring to timing as it relates to age, financial status, or even relationship status. While you definitely don’t want to fall in love with a man who is in a relationship with someone else or vice versa, there is another bad timing instance that can be just as detrimental to a relationship than the situations mentioned above. This timing I’m referring to is when you have to utter the cliché words, “It’s not you, it’s me,” and really mean it.
Just as dating a man who isn’t’ ready for a relationship almost always comes with a set of preliminary warnings that we opt to ignore, so does the situation of getting into a relationship prematurely. You can have it all together on the outside: a decent job that you don’t dread going to each day, money in your savings, a functional social life, and to top it all off, you consider yourself a poster child for “black don’t crack,” looking and feeling younger than ever; but these things have nothing to do with your readiness to be in a relationship.
So what are the preliminary signs I’m referring to? Well, these signs are sometimes blatant and other times so subtle that you don’t ignore them on purpose. Nevertheless, they usually mean one thing: you’re just not ready for a relationship.
A Memo To The Ladies of Love & Hip Hop: Commitment In a Relationship Should Never Be Up For Discussion
by Shari Wright
Last night on Love & Hip Hop ATL, Mimi told Stevie J that she had to take some responsibility in their turbulent relationship because she had allowed it to go on. After seven or so episodes of using her child as the reason to want to work it out with Stevie, Mimi finally admitted to the world(and prayerfully herself) that their two-year old daughter was not the reason for the continuous acceptance of unfaithfulness and pseudo-commitment for more than 13 years. No. Mimi alone kept herself in that situation. However, she is not alone when it comes making horrible emotional concessions in one’s relationships, just to have a significant other. It is possibly something we all have done at some juncture in our lives, whether as a stint in time or a staple over many moons.
To be clear, there is no single definition for how two people should decide to live through their connection; still, there are certain components that are a given. Relationships are built on trust, they require healthy communication, and are forged with compromises, like: where to live; weekly budget; marriage- now, later or never; two kids or four; Nationwide or State Farm; not how or how much cheating is allowed. Unless we are in an open relationship(and for the sake of this particular article we are not) I can not fathom why there would be a point where my partner and I are bending the confines of exclusivity. If you do not wish to live monogamous, don’t be in a monogamous relationship. Simple? No? Yes, compromise is a big part of being with someone, but I do not think this is what it means to compromise in an exclusive arrangement, especially when you have to leverage your comfort and bargain your trust.
We have seen variations of Mimis in the different reality shows bombarding us today, from Housewives to Basketball Wives ( read: Evelyn Lozada). I cringe at the thought of Evelyn telling Chad on last season’s BBW that she understood he would be away from home most of the time and that she preferred he told her if he was going to cheat and further instructed him about condoms for the affair. (This is in no way victim blaming/shaming for their current situation, I believe domestic violence is low and vile. I am speaking on that one conversation only.) You would rather he use protection than to just find a man willing to forgo cheating all together??
You do not have to settle. We should negotiate prices, not commitment.
When you tell yourself things like, “all I know is what he tells me,” you are settling. When you tell yourself you are in this for the baby, and remain in a hurtful, dishonest place, you are settling. When you say “we don’t care for titles, they complicate stuff,” and in fact you are partial to having stated claims…yes, you are settling. When you have to speak through tears about the fatiguing accommodations you have made because this is the first person you’ve felt ever truly cared for you…you have indeed, settled.
We take vows to promise our best to another person, I believe we may need to start taking vows of self-preservation; we need to promise not to offer ourselves at minimum value…ever…for anyone.
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If you are a devoted, single parent who has found time to date, then kudos to you! In the midst of being swept off your feet and newly in love, you may be excited…and anxious…to introduce your guy to your child(ren). After all, it makes sense for you to want your children to meet someone who has become an important part of your life – either to seal the deal and affirm your love, or make you take a step back from someone who may not be a fit. If you’re wondering about when and how you should bring this new person into your child’s life, consider these things before making that all important introduction.
“I miss the way we used to be.” “Where did the woman go that I fell in love with?” “You’ve changed.” These are painful things to hear from your partner, but many women do once a relationship has gotten serious. Have you ever noticed that often just as things are getting great, they fall apart? Just when you thought your love was solidified, it vanished? Well, bad news: it might be your own fault.