All Articles Tagged "children"
One thing most moms can agree on: your little one drives you up a wall! Another absolute we might all acknowledge is these little annoying, imaginative, curious creatures really can teach (or at the very least remind) us of a few fundamental truths. You know, like the familiar, but oft-forgotten “treat others the way you want to be treated” or the foundational “sharing is caring.”
By Jorian Seay
We all have those hilarious, infuriating, enlightening (or all of the above) moments with our kiddos that remind us of these lessons we were taught way back in the stone age when we were little tikes. Here, I share with you teachable moments brought to you by Matthew, my feisty, gutsy, spunky tot who’s taught me a thing or two since he came kicking and screaming into my life! Enjoy, but more importantly, take note.
This week my two-year-old reminded me not to care what people think.
Matthew and I had to make several runs to our favorite store this week. Yes, the one with the little red bullseye logo.
During one of our trips Matthew was in an especially good mood. It was just post-daycare pick up and I needed to grab a few items before heading home to unwind. He sat in his backseat clearly enjoying the ride, as he was chattier than usual and was actually singing along to the song as they blared through the speakers.
And once we pulled up to our beloved store, his good energy didn’t wane one bit. He spoke to (literally) everyone who walked past. “Hello!” “Hello!” “Hello!” That’s all I heard as I focused on checking items off of my list.
But as we headed to check out, Matthew REALLY took it there with the (over) enthusiasm. He started singing. What? I don’t know. All I know is my child began singing as loud as he could. I couldn’t quite catch the melody, or the beat for that matter, but whatever he was singing, was coming straight from his heart.
Cute, right? Well maybe if my child had an ounce of vocal talent, but he doesn’t. He sounds like he’s joking around when he’s singing his favorite medley and his two-year-old vocal cords are a bit mature, so he sounds somewhere in between an alto and tenor—weird for a tyke his age.
So as the stares began and the obligatory “awwh, so cute” comments began to pour in, I beelined for the cash register. He wouldn’t stop singing. At a certain point, as we stood in line behind a nice woman who began smiling and singing along, I realized it didn’t matter whether or not my boy can sing. Whatever he was belting out, made him happy. And while I’m not particularly the biggest fan of his vocal acrobatics (or lack thereof), someone somewhere (perhaps the lady in front of us) is bound to be a fan.
He brought a smile to someone’s face, and I couldn’t help but appreciate that and encourage him to sing as freely as he liked (although he HAD to bring the volume down just a bit). He was in a good mood and possessed the greatest of energy. So who cares what people (including mommy) might think, he was living life on his own terms and doing whatever the heck his little soul wanted to do.
I think we can all throw caution to the wind a bit more in life. After all, who cares what people think?
“Give her some Doritos, too. Don’t be a hog,” a mother told her teenage son on the train, pointing to her daughter that couldn’t have been any older than six. “Pass her Doritos?” I thought to myself. “Naw, she definitely needs to chill on that.”
This dialogue happened nearly six months ago, and it’s still heavy on my mind. Why do parents feed their kids junk food? Seriously?
As a kid, my mother wasn’t strict about what I ate but everything I digested was of good quality. There was no dark soda (just Sprite sparingly), no super-sugary treats drenched in high fructose corn syrup or pork allowed. Every now and then I would indulge in something sweet, but even well into December I’d have candy still left over from Halloween that would remain untouched and then ultimately thrown away. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but I never was sugar crazy. Even today, the only candy I ever pick up when I’m craving something sweet is a pack of Sour Patch Kids.
As a kid I didn’t understand why exactly my mom didn’t allow me to eat certain things, but as I got older I started to understand importance of what I was putting in my body and how it directly affected my health. So, when I saw that mother willingly giving her child a bag of Doritos I couldn’t understand why she would start a deadly cycle of incorporating junk food into her child’s diet that can be addictive. Sure, the occasional treat is acceptable by all means, but if the young girl happens to be consuming them in large quantities or on a daily basis, there’s trouble on the horizon.
“Health experts say diets of children in the United States have deteriorated dramatically over the past two generations, leading to skyrocketing rates of obesity and diabetes, both of which put children at risk for other diseases and shorter lives,” Live Science reports.
Eileen Kennedy, a pediatric psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, also chimed in on the topic of parents feeding kids junking, explaining that those that have poor eating habits early in life are usually attracted to those certain foods because they learned “at home and at school that they are OK to eat.”
In no way am I saying that parents are being bad caretakers by giving their children junk food, but with 17% of all kids and teens being obese, which is triple the rate of one generation ago, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, something has to wake people up.
I also understand that a lot of this has to do convenience, money and lack of meal planning. So, sometimes a quick stop to McDonald’s for a sausage biscuit may seem harmful but the long-term effects if such behavior is continued can be life threatening.
What are your thoughts? Do you allow your kids to eat junk food on a regular basis? If so, why?
Growing up, my parents would often speak about the child beggars who would greet them as soon as they landed in the airport of their homeland, Guyana. Although they would give them a few American dollars and bags of food, my parents would detail how aggressive the children would be towards them. Upon hearing these stories countless times, I began to think my parents were over-exaggerating these ordeals until I lived in Peru.
After navigating my neighborhood in the city of Cuzco, I met two children of local vendors begging for me to buy them a Happy Meal. Although my love for McDonald’s runs deep, I offered to buy them a more fulfilling meal at a local restaurant where they could have a whole chicken, rice and salad for $5 instead of paying $14 for two Happy Meals.
My outings with the vendors’ two children became a weekly ritual, especially if they were out late while their parents petitioned tourists with hats and gloves. Though some of my peers found this to be an annoyance, I didn’t want the children to be harmed if they were caught stealing food because they were so hungry. Most nights they would stay past 3 a.m. as their parents tried to sell hats and gloves to tourists flocking in and out of night clubs.
Despite the benevolence I had for the children, Slate reports that tourists or those who live abroad for a short period of time should not give child beggars money, gifts or food because they continue the cycle of poverty in the country they are visiting. Aside from poverty, you could also be enabling human trafficking. Their article states: “You also may already know that giving candy to children in some areas of the world actually causes enormous suffering since many communities do not have the resources to treat tooth decay. But the reasons to never, ever give to child beggars go much deeper than that. Organized begging is one of the most visible forms of human trafficking—and it’s largely financed and enabled by good-hearted people who just want to help.”
To make matters worse, Slate reports many children are kidnapped from their families and forced into begging for organized crime groups. “Since disabled child beggars get more money than healthy ones, criminal groups often increase their profits by cutting out a child’s eyes, scarring his face with acid, or amputating a limb. In 2006, an Indian news channel went undercover and filmed doctors agreeing to amputate limbs for the begging mafia at $200 a pop.”
As gruesome as this information may seem, I personally believe giving money to charities (as suggested by Slate) instead of children will not change the economic infrastructure of third world countries. Though I do believe in promoting more awareness about modern slavery and trafficking issues.
Do you give money or feed child beggars while abroad? Tell us about your experience in the comments section.
Get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, fill it with 2 children, and buy a minivan—this is the “American Dream” and the measuring stick by which we judge how successful of an adult a person is. I’m on the receiving end of this judgement all too often, now that I’m on the cusp of 30 but have yet to tick off a single box on the prescribed list of goals. Various people have warned me, time and again, that it would be sacrilegious to usher in my thirties without a husband or, at the very least, a house.
A recent conversation with an acquaintance of mine (let’s call her Julia) highlighted just how little people hesitate to express their opinions on my life choices when it comes to this matter. Our conversation started off as a rather general chat about the housing market but went south when Julia asked me a seemingly innocent question, “So, are you looking to buy a house anytime soon?”
“No. Not really,” I replied.
“Oh? Why not? I’m sure you could afford it.”
“Um, I just don’t see a need for it right now.”
Julia was now intently focused on me. I could sense that she wasn’t quite satisfied with my vague answer so I went on to say, “I’m single, I don’t have kids and I don’t plan on having kids in the near future, so I don’t see the need to purchase a house.”
Julia looked at me with wide eyes, as if I’d just told her that Men In Black was based on a true story and that I was actually an alien in a human skin suit. She eventually coughed up another question, “You don’t want kids?”
“Um, let’s just say that I don’t have a burning desire to have any right now and it’s not in my five-year plan,” I responded.
I thought that the conversation (which was already too personal for my liking) was over at this point, but Julia, clearly bewildered by my revelation, had to add, “You know what I’d do if I were single and didn’t have kids, I’d buy a house and then rent it out. It’s a good investment, you know.”
An awkward silence hung in the air while I chewed on her words, trying to find the nicest way to respond, “Yeah, but I don’t want to be a landlord and have to deal with the hassle of finding reliable tenants, or of doing maintenance and repairs. If I really wanted to invest in real estate, I’d probably do it through a REIT to avoid all of that. And as far as real estate being a good investment, I think it depends on what you’re comparing it to. I mean, consider the opportunity cost of investing in index funds or balanced mutual funds, and the diversification that you’d get investing that way instead of tying up most of your capital in one relatively liquid asset.”
I didn’t mean to crap all over Julia’s paradigm, but I doubt that her badgering would have ended if I hadn’t broken it down to her. I’m sure she meant well, like all the other people who have offered me unsolicited financial advice on real estate. Those types of conversations always end the same way—with me feeling bad for not wanting what so many strive for, despite the fact that my decision to hold off is based on hard numbers and what makes sense for me. I agree with finance guru Ramit Sethi who writes in his article,”The surprising myths about investing in real estate,” that there are many good reasons to buy a home but cautions readers to think twice if they’re buying for investment purposes.
I’m grateful that Julia didn’t dig further into why I don’t see kids in my immediate future. The kid conversation is always harder to explain to people and is met with even more judgement: ah yes, the burden of having a womb which automatically obligates a woman to procreate. The truth is I’m not ready for the lifestyle change that comes along with being a parent. It’s true that I am working on my career but what really keeps me from wanting to have a child is that I value my freedom—a lot! Freedom to go wherever I choose whenever I choose, freedom to sleep in, freedom to spend money however I want. I’m not ready to put down roots. Some call this selfish, but I argue that perhaps I’m doing a selfless thing by recognizing that I’m not ready for motherhood yet.
They look very cozy from the outside — those glossy suburban lives — some certainly are but others aren’t what they seem. I’ve lent my ear on many occasions to friends who are “living the Dream.” They love their kids, they assure me, but bemoan the hours spent doing home projects and weekend carpools, and resent the mortgage that looms over their heads. They long for years past when they had a moment to breathe–a moment for themselves.
It’s hard to say whether I’ll feel differently about home ownership and children in the future, but if I do change my mind that will be as a consequence of having done the necessary due diligence and self-reflection, not because of societal pressure. There’s nothing inherently wrong with aspiring to achieve the American Dream, but consider for a moment: is the Dream right for you?
On a side note: Let’s talk about sexual consent.
And no, we are not just talking about it because of Bill Cosby.
We are talking about it because based on a number of conversations I have had with the populace both online and off, I can tell that quite a few of us do not have a clue about what it means to explicitly give or receive permission before we engage in sexual activities (including kissing, touching and intercourse) with another human being.
And this is kind of important because sexual assault is a crime…
For instance, many are under the impression that if someone offers you a mood-altering drug, and you willingly accept it, then you basically consent to every action that happens following the consumption of the pill.
While it is conceivable that a person who accepts a mood-altering drug might be interested in a sexual relationship, not everyone who takes drugs is “asking for it.”
Many people are also under the impression that a person has given consent to be sexually assaulted by virtue of being in an active sexual relationship, or previously having sexual relations with the person who assaulted them.
That is also false.
There are other beliefs that many of us have about consent that are not very accurate and are potentially dangerous. And while there are tons of resources already available to help us all understand better what consent is and how to apply it to our lives (like here, here, here and this great Nigerian Jollof Rice consent video here…just to name a few), I am beginning to wonder if just having the information readily available is enough?
Maybe it’s not enough to tell folks to “Just Google it.” Lord knows what they might return with. Perhaps it is time we start drilling into people’s heads the importance of no means no. And maybe, just maybe, we need to start doing it as early as preschool and in all of the schools across America.
Yeah, I know what some of you are thinking: Isn’t this topic a little to heavy for children? Personally, I don’t believe that it is as children too can find themselves victims and perpetrators of unwanted sexual advances. But teaching consent isn’t a sex talk. And teaching consent is not only about showing folks how to effectively communicate their boundaries and wants, but also showing people how to navigate through situations when the “yes” or “no” is ambiguous.
As noted by Michelle Dominique Burk in a post for Everyday Feminism:
The way consent has been framed for most children — in cases where it is explicitly addressed — is that we tell kids something along the lines of “If someone says ‘no,’ then you need to listen to them.”
While this is an important lesson, it is normally as far as the discussion goes.
And simply couching all aspects of consent into this one no-means-no phrasing misses several key components of consent that are essential for kids to learn and employ as they start developing interpersonal relationships.
Discussing consent with a child in only this way proposes that “no” is the only form of non-consent available. This isn’t true, and when children learn about consent in this way, they can grow up with a sense of ambiguity about what constitutes consent.
Because discussing all aspects that encompass boundaries and consent can seem incredibly overwhelming – especially when trying to explain them to a child – many adults shy away from talking to kids about consent in a way that is comprehensive.
However, discussing consent with children in a way that acknowledges its various facets is hugely important because as children go through adolescence and then adulthood, the way that they have learned about consent as a child will inform how they interact with other adults and children in their own interpersonal relationships.
It should be noted that last year, California became the first state to mandate sexual consent lessons be required in high school sex education classes, which is a great start. But in all honesty, it’s nowhere close to where we need to be as a society.
And based on a lot of comments that I have been reading online, folks are going to find themselves in some serious trouble. While I am certain that some of the “folks” behind some of these comments are actual predators, I have to also acknowledge that some of the misinformation from those who aren’t comes from living in a culture that 1. does not value women and 2. treats rape as the norm.
It’s hard enough for parents to send their children to daycare knowing how sick and twisted people can be; and it’s stories like this one that certainly don’t make it any easier.
According to ITV News, Shantel Wallen, a woman in Birmingham, England, went to pick her daughter up from the Erdington’s Little Ripley Nursery when she was given one of her daughter’s braids in an envelope…with no explanation.
The braid had been completely and cleanly removed from her daughter, Malaya’s, two-year-old scalp, leaving no stubble in its place.
The nursery called Wallen back in August to tell her that her daughter had lost one of the 12 braids in her head.
Shantel and her partner Jahzeel Davis contacted education watchdogs Ofsted and had a meeting with the nursery bosses.
She said, “When I found out, I was really worried that someone had tampered with my daughter’s hair. The hair is not easy to pull out, yet it had been removed so cleanly. It’s almost as if it has been waxed. The only way it would have dropped out is if Malaya had a medical condition and even if she did, it would have come out in patches. I’ve been to the doctors and there’s nothing wrong with Malaya.”
Wallen removed her child from the nursery, which she had attended since she was nine-months-old.
A spokesman for the nursery issued this very vague statement.
“This is highly confidential and there will be no comment. Procedure has been followed and everything is complete. That is all I can say.”
I guess procedure includes not telling the parent what the hell happened to her child when she was left in the nursery’s care. And I guess procedure includes sending this little girl home with the detached braid as a memento of her abuse.
Wallen absolutely did the right thing removing her daughter from this nursery and contacting officials. But for the parents and want-to-be parents out there, is there something else you would have done in this situation? Personally, I would need some answers. And if none were being given, the authorities would have to get involved because this is truly strange and unacceptable.
How would you handle this?
Paternity Fraud: If A Man Grows Close To A Child He Finds Out Is Not His, Should He Still Provide For Them?
A statistic shared by the American Association of Blood Banks in 2012 revealed that there were reportedly 100,000 out of 300,000 men who fall victim to paternity fraud per year in this country. According to an article published on a national Nigerian news site, a significant number of men in that country are unknowingly bringing up children who are not theirs biologically. More recently, DNA experts have found that these figures have increased in Nigeria within the past year. What’s going on here?
In the United States, paternity fraud is recognized and handled as a criminal offense. It happens more often than we think and is often done in an attempt to obtain higher child support benefits than can be provided by the biological father. Or better yet, to hide infidelity. It’s a messed up situation, however, in Nigeria, cases like these are often swept under the rug and rarely result in legal action. Culturally, West African fathers often care for their children as well as children born out of wedlock, children from extramarital affairs, and children from a different father if they are in a relationship with the mother. A majority of the cases have more to do with creating a stable family for the children regardless of if he’s the real father or not. In Nigeria and other African countries, it’s also not uncommon for some women to marry for status even if they already have children, and it is also not uncommon for men to have several women with whom they have children with. As for the way things play out Stateside, it’s much different. Men and women are less likely to care financially for a child who isn’t theirs biologically. Being a key figure or positive role model in a child’s life is one thing, but being mandated by courts into child support is another, and questions fairness. But it happens all the time. Just ask the singer Ne-Yo, who was forced to pay child support for a boy his ex-girlfriend made him believe was his own–until a DNA test cleared things up:
“In the state of California, if you put yourself out there as the father, the mother can then come after you in court like you’re the biological father,” Ne-Yo told VH1. “So we settled out of court for what I thought was an ungodly amount of money. Shortly after that, Jesseca and Chimere vanished.”
Across the globe, men are falling victim to paternity fraud and are being ordered by family courts to pay child support for kids who aren’t theirs. For cases in Nigeria, many of the men accept the responsibility of being the caretaker because it is much more affordable than getting tangled in a court battle. Some men have voiced that even when a DNA test proves the impossibility of fatherhood, it is still really difficult to get out of child support once it has been established. It’s sad because they shouldn’t have to be mandated to pay it if the child isn’t their own, especially since they were initially misled. However, paternity fraud is a complicated thing.
But if by choice they want to remain a father figure in the child’s life, that doesn’t involve the legal system. And while many people don’t stick around after being misled in such a way, some do because they are the only father figure the child knows. It’s a commendable thing to do for the sake of the kid, who is innocent in all of this.
So I ask, if the tables were turned and you were a man who found out that a child you cared for wasn’t your own, would you continue to be in their life? What if the child has grown considerably close to you? Would you continue to provide for them?
Dating with children can be complicated, especially if you are in the public eye. If you’ve been paying attention to pop culture, you’ll know there was a big to-do about singer Ciara introducing her son to her new football player beau Russell Wilson. Well, maybe the person making the biggest deal out of it is her ex-fiancé Future, but it seems everyone had something to say about her decision to involve Russell in her son’s life this early in their relationship. While some were for it, others have denounced the situation, even going as far as questioning her parenting. And while none of us know for sure how long they’ve been dating or just how serious their relationship really is, one thing we should all be able to agree on is that there are no set rules as to how and when a man or woman should introduce their child(ren) to a new partner. Since every situation is different, we can only say there are a few things to consider before taking it to the next step.
For one, the child’s age, maturity level and emotional state all play a major part in this mind-boggling decision. While it could be argued that Ciara and Russell are very early in their relationship and meeting her son was premature, I have to wonder how much damage she could potentially be doing since baby Future is only a toddler. Sure you could say that his age makes no difference, but let’s say they break up next week. Do you really think he will remember Russell after a few weeks or months post-breakup? It’s hard to say, but my guess is no. While I think couples should wait until they’re serious to introduce a child to a new partner, I also think it’s important not to wait too long before knowing how your new partner will interact and get along with your child. Not everyone knows how to handle a baby or a toddler, so perhaps Ciara wanted to find out sooner rather than later if Russell was up for the task of playing a role in her son’s life.
Now if you have teenagers, you may not want to wait too long to make introductions because you may want them to play a part in your dating process. While they may seem mature enough to handle mommy dating a new guy, they also are old enough to establish their own relationship with him without mom facilitating, allowing their rapport to grow organically and not forced. Also, children of a certain age understand what it means when a man or woman is “spending the night,” so make sure you handle that situation delicately. If you have young children that may entail explaining that mommy is having a sleepover with her friend. But if you have teenagers, that “sleepover” mess won’t fly. Be honest with your older children. Explain to them how you feel about your partner and why you two have decided to share a bed. And most important, make sure you lock the doors and wear pajamas. Children of any age don’t need to be exposed to anything that is grown folk’s business.
Remember, you are your child’s role model. You set the example for how they see you, so make sure you ask them their thoughts or concerns about who you’re dating. Be sure to acknowledge their feelings, not dismiss them. And while you want your partner to feel comfortable, you also have to make sure your partner understands how your children may react to mom’s new man. Make sure he’s on the same page when it comes to rules and boundaries. Again, depending on the maturity level of the children and communication involved, that may spell disaster if not handled correctly.
Lastly, if the other parent is actively involved in your child’s life, be sure to tell them about your new relationship as soon as you and your new partner decide that your relationship is serious and exclusive. Who knows if Future and Russell have met, but by all accounts that’s another grey area where messiness can stem from. While not all co-parenting situations are amicable, it’s always best to let the other parent know who will be spending time with your children if you can. Always keep the lines of communication open when dealing with your kids, your ex and your new partner and make sure all concerns are heard and addressed. Like it or not, you all are in this together, and everyone needs to play their part if your relationship is going to work. Adults and their children can have a healthy, happy relationship if done with love and respect.
These celebrities say their kids need to work and create their own wealth because they’re not passing down their millions. Is this good parenting, or a crying shame?
I will (hopefully) go into labor with my second child any day now, and started thinking about how the dynamics of my home are going to change. My husband and I were blessed with our first son early last year who has made things very interesting to say the least. As we continue to navigate the land of “toddlerhood,” I can’t help but wonder about all the things I’ve heard when it comes to having a second child.
Some of the stuff is pretty scary.
Thankfully I know quite a few mommies with multiple children who helped ease some of my fears. No matter what everyone else goes through, your journey is your journey. All children are different and don’t always have the same behavior. Should you be expecting your second child, here are some common myths we can debunk.
Having a second child is faster than the first. Okay so the jury is still out on this one as I haven’t yet delivered. As much as I hear the second delivery is faster, this baby is taking his sweet time to exit stage right. My first was nine days late (most likely due to my active lifestyle and workout regimen), and this one is coming up on a week overdue.
Your firstborn will hate his/her new sibling. Sure there might be behavioral issues, but everything is an adjustment period. Plenty of mommies have told me their children love playing with each other.
It might be hard to love your second child as much. One amazing thing us parents possess is the ability to expand our hearts. I find it really difficult to believe I won’t love my new child as much as my first. The journey of being pregnant again has been nothing but a blessing, minus the nausea and stuff.
Your second child will operate in the same manner as the first. Kudos to you if you’re able to get your little one to eat their veggies and sleep through the night. Just because siblings are related doesn’t mean things will come as easy with the second child. Remember, everyone has their own personality.
The second child will fall in line with the first. Again, that personality thing is very powerful. Ideally it would be awesome if your second child followed your firstborn when it comes to listening to rules. Just prepare yourself in the likely event it doesn’t happen.
You’ll give your second baby just as much attention. Obviously you’re going to need to pay a wee more attention to your baby when it comes to feedings and diaper changes. Do realize that many parents have admitted to not going “overboard” when it comes to chronicling their lives. All of those social media posts, scrapbooks and other keepsakes you created with your first child might not happen as much with the second.
What have been some common second child myths you experienced?