All Articles Tagged "chemistry"

Don’t Get It Confused: Can You Tell The Difference Between Physical Attraction, Chemistry And A Real Connection?

December 4th, 2014 - By Liz Lampkin
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Many people would argue that most love affairs are sparked from a physical attraction. Some may say relationships are built on chemistry and connections and others may argue that some are driven by sex. No matter the argument or opinion, the fact is, all relationships are built and thrive from a source within that brings people together for a lifetime or a brief season. Relationships can form from the following three things: physical attraction, chemistry and a connection, but let’s not get the three mixed up.

Physical attraction is the desire for sexual intimacy or being drawn to someone based solely on their outward appearance, which includes but is not limited to the way they dress, smell, or conduct themselves in public and private.

Chemistry is a strong mutual attraction between two people that can stem from a meeting of the minds or simply being drawn to each other through intimacy that goes far beyond sex and physical attraction.

A connection is based on direct interactions that are formed over time. It is a combination of mental, spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy.

Each of these three things differ not only by basic definition, but how people view and identify them. A number of individuals believe they have an instant connection or chemistry with someone after only spending a few hours, days or months with them, while others believe that these things take time to develop between two people.

On the other hand, while each of these things has their own distinction, they are intertwined. How you ask? Simple. In order for any connection to start, a person must be attracted to someone else. Most relationships begin with one person being drawn to another physically, but some people aren’t initially drawn to a person’s appearance. Sometimes, more so, they are drawn to their personality, which in turn sparks some sort of physical attraction. After an attraction has been established between people, then the process of creating chemistry and a connection comes into play. Most people believe this happens through sexual innuendos, deep conversations, warm embraces, long kisses or deeply gazing into each other’s eyes. One way chemistry and connections go hand-in-hand is because you can’t connect with someone you’re not drawn to. While the three are different, they can’t survive without the other when trying to form and maintain a long-lasting relationship. It’s a great feeling to connect with someone on a level that only your heart and emotions can explain, but we must be careful not to confuse our hearts and minds on our search for love. When we do, we find ourselves in relationships that we realize we’re not really fully invested in later. Even worse, we can have our feelings hurt or hearts broken because we confused someone’s physical attraction to us and the short-term chemistry we might have with them for a possible love connection. Be sure you know the difference between these things and what you’re feeling so you can save yourself, or someone else, from heartache.

Have you ever confused these things? What do you build your relationships on?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

When Being A “Nice Guy” Just Isn’t Enough: Requiring More From Your Relationships

June 19th, 2013 - By MN Editor
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By Jessica Gray

I feel like I need to be more clear when I say that I don’t meet any guys. That’s not true.

I meet nice guys all of the time. I just haven’t met anyone that I’ve connected with yet. I’m not super picky and I’m realistic. I don’t have an obscenely long list of criteria for a mate. I don’t think I’m being ridiculous for waiting to meet someone that I won’t have to fake smile at every day after I realize I don’t really want to be around them.

I know this can sound heartless, but being a nice guy is not enough. I’ve heard my guy friends talk about how a girl is beautiful, smart, driven, great in the kitchen, amazing in bed, adores him and all that good stuff…but they still don’t choose to continue a relationship with her because there is nothing more there. Now I understand that certain situations like that are a little deeper than we are going to discuss here, but why can’t we feel the same? Why can’t we want more than just finding someone who is bearable? Why do we have to settle?

I’ve had a guy go ballistic on me because I told him that I didn’t want to date him anymore and that we had zero chemistry. I put it in nicer words, of course, but he wasn’t trying to hear it. I got called ungrateful and a couple other really not-nice things (only confirming that I made the right decision and ultimately disqualifying him from the “nice guy” category). What really annoyed me was when he listed all of his highly desirable qualities *insert sarcasm* and said I did not know how to appreciate a good man.

Hold on. I could tell that things were not going anywhere on my end, so I thought I was doing the mature thing by ending things early instead of dragging him along while I tried to force feelings I was never going to have. By doing that, I felt I was acknowledging that he was a great guy and I respected him enough not to waste his time. But no. Just because he is a nice guy, I’m supposed to force the situation? I think not. Neither of us would have been happy.

There is a connection I want to have with someone if I plan on making a lifetime commitment to them. I find nothing wrong with waiting for something with more substance than an impressive list of credentials and some manners. Sometimes you have to be honest and let him know: I’m glad that you are a “nice guy” and I am sure that you will make some woman out there very happy someday. But you are not the one for me.

Do you think I am being unreasonable? Do you care about having a deeper connection with someone or are the basics enough?

 

Are You Just Not Feeling Men Right Now? Signs It’s Not Them, It’s You

January 30th, 2013 - By Julia Austin
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For a while you thought it was just a string of bad dates, or there just wasn’t chemistry with the men you were meeting. But now it’s been a while since you even felt a tingle down south—and I mean a while. You know you used to at least feel sexually attracted to a guy every couple of weeks, even if he wasn’t your soul mate. And now you’re not even getting that. Well there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is: there are still good men out there for you. The bad news is: the problem might be with you.

One Of The Boys Or THE Boy? How To Decide If He’s Really Boyfriend Material

January 28th, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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While we all have girlfriends, it’s always nice to have a few guy friends in the loop who you can talk to and chill with. In many cases when you have guy friends, it’s likely that you’re bound to experience some sort of chemistry — it just happens! If you’re on the fence and completely unsure as to whether this guy is best as a friend or if he’d make a good boyfriend, here are some tips and advice to keep in mind. Don’t let the indecision ruin your relationship!

Seriously Though, Why Am I So Thirsty To Go On A Date?

November 30th, 2012 - By madamenoire
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From Essence 

Q: I’m always super pressed, and I overanalyze everything when it comes to men. I know I am an attractive female who could get a man, but when it comes to a man showing me attention, I’m almost starving over it. Instead of letting the attraction and chemistry build naturally, I do whatever I can to make him want to go out with me. I overanalyze everything from the jokes men make to trying to figure out why they were a few minutes late, blaming it on them trying to play me or just doing me a favor by going out with me. All of this then puts me in a mood I shouldn’t be in. My sisters call me “thirsty,” because whenever I start liking a guy I really like him. I don’t fall in love, but I do fall in deep, like to the point where everything he does gets me excited. When I’m not dating, I’m looking for dates, and I will sometimes settle for a night out (or a few) with a guy I know is no good for me just to have some sort of dating life. Dr. Sherry, why am I so pressed?

Sincerely,
Ms. So Anxious

See what celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, who you’ve seen on the Braxton Family Values, has to say about this woman’s situation on Essence.com.

How Important Is It To Date Your Intellectual Equal?

October 22nd, 2012 - By Charing Ball
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I can’t stand a dumb man. Period.

For me there is something extremely hot about a man who is a thinker, politically astute, reads frequently and could articulate a thoughtful, well reasoned point. I put smarts up there with sense of humor, which is pretty damn high on my mental list of must-have attributes in a potential partner. There is nothing more in life I dream of than having witty stimulating adventures with the opposite sex.

Like many women, who value intelligence in a man, I used to think that the only way a man could measure up intellectually is if he had a college degree. In theory, it makes sense considering that the best way to rise socially and/or economically in society is for a person to pursue and complete his or her post secondary education.  And in practice it made even more sense considering how many men, I had come across in the dating world, who would proudly proclaim their disdain for anything remotely intellectual.  “Books are long and boring. Only thing I read is the sport section of the newspaper,” I had one particular suitor tell me.  His name was Darrell*, a 25 year old telemarketer, who felt that reading was for dummies. Any attempts at intellectual conversations with Darrell about philosophical topics like art or literature were usually met with blank stares and the verbal equivalent of “uh-duh.”  He had a pretty face though and a wicked sense of humor. So in an effort to salvage this dude, I decided to try to introduce my friend to some culture by way of a one-woman play that a friend of mine had starred, written and directed. But not only did this fool fall asleep during the performance, he had the audacity to snore so loud that people turned around and hushed us. That was it. Men, in general, may value things like mutual attraction and love; dependable character and emotional stability over how well versed a woman may be, but me, I’ll take the New York Times.

And then I met Shawn*. He was tall, dark skinned, college educated and had a brain worthy of MENSA. He walked around with a leather satchel filled with books, highlighters and a laptop, which if the inspiration hit him, would become his vessel to express his creativity. Shawn’s main love was poetry – slam poetry to be exact. He was passionate about word play, which made him always down for a good conversation. We would meet daily at a local coffee shop, pondering over life’s mysteries and musing over the collective works of August Wilson. He was cultured, creative and full of opinions. Always.

One night, we were on our way to our favorite after poetry slam spot – the 24 hour diner that serves breakfast food all day – when Shawn decided to rehash a debate we had had several times over the course of a month; does God really exist?  This time the debate was a variation of sorts over free will versus God’s will. “It just doesn’t make any sense. You can’t have free will and destiny. People who believe that are just as stupid as people who believe in God.”

My general feelings about the whole God stuff is that it is possible that he/she/it exists. However as far as religion goes, I think that people just make stuff up to fulfill whatever political and social agenda they are seeking at the time. As such, my own made up theory was that we are free to choose our paths in life and every cause has a consequence – good or bad – and that is where destiny, or God’s will as some may refer to it, comes into play. But Shawn wasn’t hearing it. “But that doesn’t make sense. Free will and destiny can’t exist at the same time. That’s a mathematical improbability. That’s the problem with people, who believe in a God and blah, blah, blah…” He spent 30 minutes attempting to debunk my belief and another 45 minutes, getting agitated because he couldn’t shake my beliefs. “…therefore it is inconceivable that free will and God’s will can exist in the same place.  And you are wrong. WRONG,” he said as he slammed his fist down on the table. “What do you have to say about that? I’ll take your silence to mean that you know I’m right?”  And I was like, “dude seriously, I just want to eat pancakes in peace.”

The thing about really smart guys is that more often than not, they are used to being the smartest person in the room, which also means that they are used to being right all the time. This makes them both endlessly enthralling and even more wearisome because at times, they will place their reverence for ideas and hardcore logic ahead of his concerns for you and your feelings. And Shawn was so blinded by his desire to be proven right that he failed to see that me and our pancakes were getting cold.  Needless to say my love affair with the smart intellectual ended.

That’s not to say that a man can’t woo me with a critical analysis of themes within Ralph Ellison’s “Invisible Man”  but I no longer need to be able to vet  every thought he has in order for me to appreciate him as a person.  I guess my point is that the world is vast with knowledge and there are different ways to measure intelligence in a man. He doesn’t have to be a degreed professional, because let’s be honest, some of the most ignorant people hold high degrees. But he does have to be perceptive and intuitive. Truth of the matter was that despite his snoring, Darrell wasn’t that bad.  He was actually pretty good at mechanics and kept my older model Toyota Camry in excellent running condition.  And in fact, he did have a point: my friend’s play was nonsensical and dreadfully boring.

REEL LOVE: Our Favorite TV and Movie Couples!

July 15th, 2012 - By Drenna Armstrong
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Relationships on television shows and in movies can be like a gift and a curse. Sometimes they can be so outlandish that you’re glad it’s not real. But then there are the times that you see a couple with issues you’ve seen in your own relationships and you instantly love them.  These are some of our favorite onscreen couples in television and movies. Who is your favorite?

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Thinking About Ending Your Relationship? Ask Yourself These 5 Questions First

June 11th, 2012 - By madamenoire
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From YourTango.com

By Catherine Behan

When a relationship is fizzling out, you know it. The intense chemistry you once had with your partner has shifted, and you spend more time not talking than talking. It isn’t bad but it certainly isn’t good either.

Have you ever stayed in a relationship just for the stuff? For example, do you have a great bed? One woman said she stayed in her relationship just because of a Tempur-Pedic mattress. Do you belong to a country club? Do you own a second home in another state that would no longer be yours if you left the relationship? All of this stuff can tempt you to stay in the relationship even if you know it should be over….

Staying for the stuff is a common choice, and the examples above are true stories of what people choose to stay in relationships for. Are you in a stay-or-go situation? Would you like a hit of psychic wisdom to let you know what to do next? Here are five key questions to consider if you’re wondering if your relationship is over:

1. Do you have any chemistry left? If the red hot Hot chemistry has worn off, how are you feeling about that? Do you miss sex? Believe it or not, some people do not miss sex. It may be hard for you to believe it but in today’s marriages, there are all kinds of compromises that work.

If the chemistry is dead, are there other worthwhile assets in the relationship? Is your partner open to you exploring your sexual satisfaction elsewhere? Can you talk about it? Lack of chemistry and sex does not automatically disqualify your man.

Check out the other four questions you should ask yourself before calling it quits on YourTango.com.

More on Madame Noire!

Boy, Please: 8 Signs You’ll Just Never Be Into Him

June 7th, 2012 - By Julia Austin
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interracialdatingcentral.com

Everyone wants to be with someone, so much so that we’ll date all the wrong people: the ex, the bad boy, the friend with benefits that we try to turn into more and, of course, the guy that just doesn’t make us swoon no matter how long we wait. But women will wait a long time because sometimes we’ll do anything to pretend someone “special” is in our life. Stop wasting both your time and his. If any of these items strike a chord with you, you’ll never be fantasizing about this guy late at night in your bed. There’s more fish in the sea, and it’s time to keep looking…

"Man waking up his girlfriend"

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You can’t see yourself sleeping with him
This is a great thing to do on a first date: picture this man lying on top of you naked. How does that make you feel? There isn’t any particular way it should make you feel, but it definitely shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable, nauseated, embarrassed or suffocated. Even worse, you shouldn’t struggle to conjure up the image at all. Look, if you’re going to be with this guy for more than a short time, sex will likely be a part of your relationship. If you’re not comfortable with that thought, you’ll never be into him.

Chemistry Clash! Couples Whose Love Seems Lost…

March 17th, 2012 - By Drenna Armstrong
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Have you ever seen a couple and notice that one person is way more into their significant other than their significant other is into them? Possibly worse, have you ever seen a couple that just don’t seem into each other at all? Sure, most couples aren’t always on top of each other (and if they were, I’d probably be doing another topic…lol) and just because they aren’t it doesn’t mean they aren’t in love but sometimes you see couples and see, “What in the world is going on here?” Well, here are a few couples that have us raising our eyebrows – remember, no one is saying they’re not in love with each other – we just saying….

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