All Articles Tagged "cheating"

The Importance Of Starving Negative Relationship Patterns And Feeding Positive Ones In 2014

January 2nd, 2014 - By La Truly
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Source: Shutterstock

Watching the mess that Ms. Joyce was making of her own daughter’s life on The Real Housewives of Atlanta AND the way in which Kandi cowered instead of putting her mother in her place makes me wonder how many of us deal or have dealt with the same type of issue. Even watching poor Tahiry cut off the ever-manipulative Joe Budden (but not really) on Love and Hip Hop New York reminds me of the fact that many of us at different points in our lives have suffered way more at the hands of meddlesome, untrustworthy, harmful relationships than we’ve ever needed to. It makes me wonder how many of us would inadvertently and purposely carry these same poor relationship patterns into the new year. In the past I have felt the sting of tears in my eyes after discovering that friends really could not be happy for me, no matter what good things came my way. I’ve endured countless talks with friends about why this man or that man I was interested in was no good for me when, in reality, some of these men were great catches. I mean GREAT. I’ve also battled with letting go of romantic relationships that clearly were dragging me down and not lifting me up.

Reflecting on my default of putting up with such toxicity in relationships has made me wonder, why did I do it? What am I trying to accomplish by allowing sisters or friends or boyfriends or my mother to infuse my life with negativity? Why do I feel I must endure it?

Loyalty? Respect? How much loyalty is a significant other showing me when they cheat or treat me unfairly? How much loyalty is a friend showing me by deciding to hate every good thing that happens in my life? How much respect is a sister or mother showing me when they meddle so terribly in my personal affairs and destroy my relationships?

Shouldn’t loyalty and respect be reciprocated? Shouldn’t I have enough respect for and loyalty to myself to check the people in my life when they are behaving negatively towards me? Loyalty to someone doesn’t mean that I silently take abuse or ill-treatment. Respect doesn’t mean that I must go along with everything someone says or does.

With the new year here, I have a new resolve to feed the positive aspects of my relationships and to starve the negative. This includes loving those who pour affection and encouragement into my life and setting specific and fortified boundaries with those who drain and exhaust me. I have accepted that this does not mean I love or appreciate any one person over another. It simply means I choose to live my best life. Living my best life is only possible when I take responsibility in and for my relationships.

I’m taking self-love and self-care into the new year with me. What doesn’t elevate, needs to be stopped. What doesn’t promote growth and happiness will not be a part of my 2014. I deserve to be as stress-free as possible. I deserve to enjoy life and to be surrounded by those who genuinely enjoy it as well. I have a say in how I’ll be treated. I have a say in how my new year will progress.  And I say, positivity over everything.

Tionna Smalls Says If You Think Your Man Won’t Cheat On You You’re Fooling Yourself

December 19th, 2013 - By Brande Victorian
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Tionna Smalls Says All Men Cheat

Source: Twitter

Let’s just get right into it, shall we? Relationship adviser Tionna Smalls recently made another appearance on the talk show “Bethenny,” and during a heated battle of the sexes debate on whether men can be monogamous, she dropped this gem:

“Men are going to cheat. If you put it in your mind that a man is not going to cheat you’re fooling yourself — especially a man with money. I’m not saying you have to accept it, but you have to respect it. That’s number one. Number two, you better hope your man is just humping another chick and not falling in love mentally with another chick.”

I can already guestimate one of the first questions you have, which is who is this chick, so let me go ahead and lay out her resume. Tionna was the relationship coach tasked with helping  TLC member Chilli find love on the VH1 reality show, “What Chilli Wants.” She also starred on MTV’s “Girl, Get Your Mind Right!” and is currently the host of a new online radio show titled, “Tionna Talks.”

Now why should you care? That I can’t answer for you, other than to ask whether you believe Tionna’s conviction? Men and cheating tend to go hand-in-hand in a lot of women’s minds, and you can tell by the passion with which Tionna states her case in the video below that she clearly is a strong believer in the doctrine of the male philanderer. But while all men have the capacity to cheat — and likely have at least once or twice in the past — I’m not completely certain a woman is fooling herself is she believes the man who made a commitment to her won’t cheat on her. But if that is the case, Tionna is right that us ladies don’t have to accept it, but we also don’t have to respect it either. There’s a simple thing all men who are incapable of being monogamous can do to make everyone’s lives easier and that is stay single. That’s about the only choice that’s respectable when it comes to this topic. But that’s just my personal belief.

Check out Tionna in the video clip below and tell us what you think. Are all men going to cheat eventually?

14 Signs You’re Not The Only Woman

December 11th, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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iStock

iStock

It’s hard to think about and even fathom that a guy you like, who you have been spending time would, could, and is juggling several different women at once. No one wants to believe that they’re the other woman or one of many women, but sometimes we fall into a player’s trap. Here are 14 signs that you’re not the only woman, and if this is truly the case, don’t think twice about walking away from this man.

Why You Need To Break Up Instead Of Stringing Your Significant Other Along

December 3rd, 2013 - By La Truly
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Shutterstock

No one else will tell them, so I’ll tell them that they are cowards. Cut and dry. Plain and simple. But I think they’re already hip to that, right? It’s the reason they lash out when their significant other comes to them with the “What are we (doing)?” conversations. It’s the reason they are in a relationship but act single as often as they can. It’s the reason they feel it’s fine to keep in constant, inappropriate contact with their ex(es). They are cowards with egos and no vision.

Could they stick around and continue to make their partner’s life miserable by not fully committing and stringing them along while they sit back and take it? Absolutely! But why though?

We skate from one ‘relationship’ to the next, never really doing the work it takes to love someone else because we are afraid and selfish and in short supply of vision/purpose. That’s the long and short of it. The saddest part is that most of us who string others along emotionally within relationships see no reason why to stop.

“She/He is still here, aren’t they? If they really wanted to leave, they could have BEEN left me.

We blame them for loving us fervently, and when they do, some of us also treat these significant others like they’re the most annoying people in the world. Sick, right? We’re unsure of exactly what we want but we’re too afraid of committing to the one who genuinely wants us, so we make statements like the one above to absolve ourselves of any guilt. Instead of separating from that person and working on ourselves, we project the blame onto them for sticking around. “Shame on you for loving me. Leave me, then.”

We fail to realize that we further strip ourselves of our power to change when we behave this way. I should know.

My ex tried his hardest to keep in close, inappropriate contact with me for a while. He has a girlfriend who is thinking about marriage, and he knows this, but marriage is the furthest thing from his mind. So what would he rather do? Call and share with ME every major change that has happened in his life. For a while there, he would text me at all hours of the night. He called ME to complain about his girlfriend. We all have an ex like that, yes? And, as quiet as we keep it, we’re that ex sometimes.

For a while, I’ll admit that I allowed it. It was only phone calls and text messages. I liked the attention. I was glad that it seemed that he realized what he missed out on with me. But then it got so unreservedly annoying and troubling. I thought it through – something I had refused to do before. His girlfriend, this poor woman, was doing all of the things I used to do when I was with him. Staying, trying to convince him of how much she loves him. She’s sitting by the phone waiting for him to call her and here he was calling me. She has no idea that she is the furthest thing from his mind while she’s totally committed to him. Will all that finally in mind, I cut contact. There was no way I would continue to be an accomplice to such blatant disrespect. He is holding her chance for reciprocity hostage by selling her a dream that more than likely he will never deliver. It’s unfair, but of course, it’s not uncommon.

So often our fear of being alone and working on ourselves is allowed to grow so much bigger than our desire to do right by those who care for us the most. It takes strength and uprightness to make that kind of choice as opposed to holding our relationships and those we claim to care about in limbo. The question always is: Are we strong enough individuals to make that choice?

La Truly is a writer, college professor and natural hair and holistic lifestyle enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences  to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young women. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

What Men Really Think About Cheating

November 22nd, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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Shutterstock

Shutterstock

From YourTango

Why do people cheat? Is it about sex? Being unhappy in a relationship? Truth is, there are tons of reasons why people are unfaithful to their significant others — and a new survey fromVictoriaMilan.com found that 45 percent cheaters have an affair because their partners were glued to their phones. What?!

Regardless, it’s the biggest relationship no-no in the book, but it happens more frequently than any of us would ever like. And whether you’re the cheating or the cheating on, the end result is just as heart wrenching. There’s a frustrating double-standard when it comes to infidelity and monogamy: We typically believe that men, when they’re cheating on a woman, are doing so because their woman isn’t there for them in the ways they need, giving them almost a free pass in the matter; while when a woman strays, it’s because she’s ungrateful and a Slore.

So we polled the guys in our lives to see how they feel about cheating, which sex does it more often and if it’s ever forgivable.

Forgive And Forget
“I cheated on my first girlfriend in college. It was a Shytety thing to do,” says Scott, 27, “but when I was that young I didn’t really care about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I’m not saying what I did was okay … when you’re that young you just Fawk up a lot and learn as you go. It sucked to see how badly I was hurting her, and since we were in the same friends circle the wound never really healed for either of us. She said that she’d forgiven me, but since we were always together, it was impossible to forget.”

“I’ve been cheated on twice,” Cody, 28, says. “I’m like the posterboy for cheaters! It’s a terrible feeling but at the same time, it’s really liberating: You see clearly that, ‘Okay, I do not want to be with this person who is so selfish they can’t even break up with me before they disrespect me.’ So you move on. I try to be the bigger person, most times, and forgive them. Then I cancel them from every social site I know of and swear to never see them again. I think it’s harder for guys because we’re supposed to be these big, strong men who don’t break down and don’t get upset, but, uh, when to two different girls you love do that to you, guess what? You cry. I’m not still crying over it though,” he adds with a laugh, “but the best thing for you is to make your peace with it and then move on.”

Who Does It More?
“Gonna break a lot of hearts with this one,” says Steve, 25, “but girls cheat more than guys. I have a ton of girl friends and they are always talking about seeing other dudes on the side. It’s kinda surprising for me because you’d think that guys do it more — and maybe they do and they’re just better about hiding it — but from the people I spend time with, you’d be shocked to hear how many girls are okay with cheating on their guy.”

“Girls,” says Dylan, a 21-year-old college student says, “are the worst in relationships. You’d never think that, right? Well, it’s true. I think they’ve changed the game up on guys because I’ve never had so many friends be played by their girlfriends. I think that girls are cheating more because they’re tired of being the soft ones in the relationship.”

“I’d say guys are still cheating more than girls, though I know of a lot more girls who’ve ran out on their men in recent years,” says Joey, 31. “Men are still playing their women.”

Read more at YourTango.com 

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Is My Girlfriend Cheating On Me?

November 20th, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Good evening,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have had several differences, fights, arguments etc. As a whole, the relationship has been 60% good and 40% not so good. In the beginning of Oct 2013, we got into a huge fight. She broke up, but since then, we have talked about the problems and issues we’ve been having. Although we’re not a “couple,” she still needs me to do things for her. She still comes over on the weekends and we sleep together.

I have asked and expressed to her that we can’t be friends right now if she is entertaining other men. ie; texting, talking on the phone, going out on dates etc. I asked her if she was doing so and she says NO. She said she’s not doing ANY of the above. I know people. Sometimes we have platonic friends who need someone to talk to about our issues etc. I do, and I tell her. She even knows the names of the women I talk to. These are women/sisters/close female friends of mine over 15yrs+. So there is no need for me to be secretive about it with her. I ask her if she has male friends she talks to and still says no. But I know differently. She DOES have a male friend who she talks to but won’t be honest with me about it. Which makes me even more curious.

However, I have been able to gain access to her phone/text logs. I noticed a new number over the last two months. But what really alarmed me is that over the last 8 days they both initiated texts between each other. They’ve texted each other over 175 times in the last 8 days. And still continue to text back and forth, but without actually talking on the phone. I’ve called the guy and asked who he was and of course, he wouldn’t say. I’ve repeatedly asked my girlfriend if she’s talking or TEXTING anyone and she says no. She also says that if she’s interested in anyone else she wouldn’t be dealing ME. But they still communicate daily. I can’t figure out who this person is, and she’s claiming she’s not talking to anyone else. What do I do? Why would a woman only talk to a man via text so much and not the phone? They text as much as she and I speak on the phone. And we talk about 2-3hrs a day. It sucks because I can’t tell her I’ve seen her call log. I can’t even use the excuse that I saw it on her cell phone. There is no way I can bring up the number. I just want the truth.

Will T.

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Monica Calhoun Says She Would Pull A Mia In Real Life If Her Man Cheated On Her

November 15th, 2013 - By Brande Victorian
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Morris and Monica Calhoun The best man holiday

So remember how at the end of “The Best Man” everyone watched Morris Chestnut’s character Lance marry Mia (Monica Calhoun) after finding out she slept with Harper and we were all like, in what world would that happen? Sure, Lance had been dipping out on Mia for forever, but we doubted many men could get over that hurt so quickly.

When we got the opportunity to chat with Morris and Monica at the press junket for “The Best Man Holiday,” we decided to ask the on-screen couple whether they could be as forgiving of a cheating lover in real life. Morris told us he probably couldn’t get over it, but Monica shocked us all when she said she’d forgive her man but there’d have to be a “make-up period.” At first we weren’t sure what she meant by that, but then it quickly became clear Monica was saying she’d have to get a retaliation cheat in — so basically she’d do exactly what Mia did in the movie.

Check out her explanation in the video below and Morris’s shock at her answer. What do you think about what she said?

14 Things Not To Say To Your Friend Who’s Been Cheated On

November 14th, 2013 - By Julia Austin
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Black-woman-sad-pf

If your friend has been cheated on, she needs you now more than ever. But sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you do.

Is Keyshia Cole Cheating On Boobie? Rumors Spark As She’s Spotted Looking Cozy With Promoter

November 10th, 2013 - By Drenna Armstrong
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"KeyshiaRugs2 - Keyshia Cole cheating"

Source: Prince William/Atlpics.net

Keyshia Cole and hubby Daniel “Boobie” Gibson just cannot seem to figure out what do with their marriage.  With rumors of Boobie’s infidelity always sky high, it looks like it’s the wife’s turn: Is Keyshia Cole cheating too?

On Friday night, Drake threw an after party to celebrate his big concert in the city. Keyshia was there and she looked pretty comfortable with Atlanta party promoter, Mr. Rugs. Of course, it could be “nothing,” but then again, married people don’t just allow people of the opposite sex that far into their space, do they? She even seems to be hiding her ring finger (which she does quite often lately in party photos).

If you’ve heard anything about the Gibson marriage lately, you’re well aware that they take their anger out on each other via social media.  Boobie has taken to posting pictures that express how angry he’s been over whatever is going on in his life.  Keyshia, on the other hand, has been ignoring most things – including the talk about these latest pictures.

So, is it really over for the Gibsons? Is Keyshia Cole cheating or are they separated at this point? Who knows but at the very least, hopefully they can figure out some peaceful ground so they can co-parent and raise their son. Only time will tell.

Cover image source: Prince William/Atlpics.net

Is It Wrong To Be In A Relationship And Fantasize About Being With Someone Else From Time To Time?

October 31st, 2013 - By Toya Sharee
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I returned from a J. Cole concert a few weeks ago to a very pouty-looking fiancé whom I later found out was offended by my love and appreciation for J. Cole and Drake. My stanning is no secret and I think those are two of the sexiest men on the planet. However, not once did I ever think of my fantasizing as a problem.  It got me thinking about the gray areas of infidelity and what different people consider cheating. We all like to think that once we’ve found the one our faithfulness will be unbreakable, but how do you define your fidelity and at what point do you begin to question its strength?

If I’m completely honest, I can’t tell you what I’d do if, in the words of Elle Varner, I got light-skinned Jermaine in a sound proof room, but I would hate to think that my fidelity is really balanced on the improbability of a fantasy.  What about those couples who give their partners a fantasy pass or a hall pass, because after all, how often is the chance to have sex with a celebrity crush going to happen?  And before the rebuttals start flying back as women confidently claim, “I love my babe.  No other man, celebrity or not, could change that,” let’s just be clear that I am strictly talking about sex, not love.  I mean, most people would consider either cheating, but being simply sexually attracted to someone else is way different than wanting to be in a relationship with them.  And how many women claiming that they would never sink to be a groupie (even if only for a night) have pictured Morris Chestnut on top of them when in reality they’re in bed with their boyfriend? We all fantasize, but does daydreaming mean we’re incapable of being monogamous?

Sex-therapist, Dr. David Schnarch, suggests that nothing is wrong with “partner-replacement fantasy” until the fantasy starts replacing your actual sex life.  So if you’re telling your man you don’t want to be touched because you’d rather watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back for the umpteenth time, you may have more of a problem with your partner than you think.  Fantasy allows people, especially in long-term relationships, to temporarily ignore the predictability that can come with truly knowing their partner.  So if for 10 minutes you can imagine Morris Chestunt as se*y, sophisticated, smart and romantic, there’s no harm in that, right?

“As I get older my experiences have taught me that life is a lot grayer than I thought.  It’s easy to be less judgmental when you realize that,” I told a friend the other day.  There are no right answers for every relationship.  All two people can do is find what works well for the two of them.  That means that cheating has to be defined by the people in that relationship from the beginning: One man’s kiss is another man’s intercourse.

I don’t think anyone is 100 percent monogamous.  I like to believe that fidelity, much like sexuality, can be measured on a scale from Chris Rock’s character in I Think I Love My Wife to Diane Lane in Unfaithful.  If my experience being in a long-term relationship has taught me anything it’s that we all flirt, we all fantasize, we all have urges to have sex with someone else from time to time, but it doesn’t mean we’re all a Cheaters episode waiting to happen.  On the flip side, just because you’re not getting it popping on the regular with someone other than your partner doesn’t mean you’re completely innocent either.

When it comes to monogamy, I’m pretty open-minded; I don’t consider it cheating unless you’re doing something you know damn well you should only be doing with your partner. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s a pretty good sign.  Fantasizing can even be a healthy way to re-ignite the attraction to your partner, as long as it stays inside your head and not in your bed.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

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