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Is there a perfect way to enter into a relationship?

The reason I ask this is because of a film I saw the other night, I watched a Natalie Portman film on Netflix called The Other Woman. The synopsis for the film, as accurately described by IMBD, goes like this:

“In Manhattan, twenty-two year-old Harvard lawyer Emilia Greenleaf has a crush on her boss, Jack Woolf, and they have an affair. Jack’s marriage is a sham but his son, William, is his pride and joy. Emilia soon discovers she’s pregnant, and Jack divorces his wife, Carolyn, in order to marry her. His son is poisoned against the partnership by his mother, and resented by his stepmother. Emilia, who has issues with her womanizer father, delivers Isabel but the baby dies. The marriage begins to suffer and William unexpectedly steps in to help.”

As you have read, there is a lot of plot happening in this film but for the purpose of this conversation, let’s just focus on the affair-turned-marriage. Here’s a story, which begins with a single woman involved with a relationship with a married man. Eventually their affair would lead to the dissolution of his marriage and a union between the two. Naturally there are problems but what struck me about this film was how little the problems had to do with how these people got together. And despite the less than honorable way the two began their relationship, without spoiling it, the film does end on a happy note. This is not how affairs are usually handled in films.

Matter of fact, in real life, conventional wisdom is that no good can come from a relationship built upon infidelity – or any other situation where two people joined together in less direct ways including one-night stands, false pretenses and other non-traditional partnerings. Yet the reality is that there are tons of relationships that begin in this fashion and they don’t all in doomsday fashion. Some, like in The Other Woman, actually end in long-term loving relationships including marriage. For instance, I had a girlfriend, who met her husband while he was engaged to someone else. They actually knew each other casually for years and decided at that moment to go for it – unfortunately it was horrible timing. She swears up and down that they kept the relationship platonic until he was able to gingerly remove himself from the situation. But nobody believed it, including his former finance, who spread around town that my girlfriend was a home-wrecker. Despite the condemnation they received from family, friends and even strangers, they persevered in their relationship and went on to not only marry but have two children and a house in the suburbs. Even though my friend found the happiness that had eluded her in previous relationships, it was bitter sweet and couldn’t be celebrated in its entirely – at least without the fear of judgment anyways.

I don’t want to romanticize infidelity. I am a firm believer that you don’t cheat on a person if you are not happy and that all unhappy relationships should cease before beginning a new one. It’s just fair to everyone involved. However I am also aware that life, including interpersonal relationships, can be flawed and is often messy and does not always follow social grace and etiquette. As such, it would be foolish to think that a relationship founded on infidelity can’t work, right?

“Well when you deal with relationships, you can never deal with absolutes,” said Hasani Pettiford, best selling author of Black Thighs, Black Guys & Bedroom Lies and Pimpin’ From The Pulpit. “If I ever give you an absolute, you will just give me a situation and an example that disproves the absolute that I just tried to sell you on. So there is the preferred method, there is the correct method, there is the proper method and then there are the alternatives for that.”

Pettiford, who has also co-founded (with his wife Danielle) the Couples Academy, acknowledges that real genuine relationships can come out of what he called “trifling-ness” including witnessing first hand multiple year marriages spawn out of one-night stands and infidelity. Likewise, he said the more preferred method of taking one’s time and getting to know each other doesn’t necessarily guard you against a broken relationship. However he said that there should be traditional wisdom and advice that guides our relationship in order for us to make healthy decisions.

“It’s like if you go to a doctor and they say that you want to live long; don’t eat fried foods, sweets and don’t get three hours of sleep and stop eating at 12 o’clock in the morning. But there are some cultures that eat nothing but pork and live to be 100 years old. I mean, look at George Burns. He smoked cigars until he was a 100 years old. So there are always going to be exceptions to the rule but that doesn’t mean that everyone, who smokes cigars throughout their lives will reach the same milestone.”

I can certainly understand the point about establishing guidelines for a healthy relationship however what accounts for the anomalies? And how are these improper relationships able to flourish if they go against the general guidelines of what is supposed to be a healthy relationship? According to Pettiford, even though a relationship, which began from less honorable means, might have longevity, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is without its problems. He says that there is always the possibility of issues arising based upon the relationships origins. However, he says, “If you implement proper couple skills within that relationship than it can work. If you don’t it will fail. I don’t care how great you start off. IF you don’t know what it takes to be a husband or a wife – or if you don’t know to be faithful and loyal and committed, you are always going to have issues.”

Generally speaking, relationship experts tend to make my skin crawl; however Pettiford does raise valid points so I guess not all relationship experts are bad – but then again he could very well just be an exception to the rule. (See what I did there?) More to his point, all relationships have challenges. And as such there likely is no definitive “right way” to enter into, or even maintain, a relationship other than having a willingness to work at whatever challenges that might arise within the union. If not, we shouldn’t be surprised when there is an The Other Woman, or man for that matter, waiting in the wings.

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From Essence

Dear Abiola,

Is sexting cheating?

I am a 54-year-old woman married to my second husband for almost 14 years. Prior to this marriage, I played the field a few years. I was with my first husband almost six years before I left him and moved on.

For the past few years, I have been having a texting relationship with my ex-husband. A lot of it has involved sex. He was unfaithful, lied, did drugs and even hit me a couple of times but, I just can’t seem to stop myself from ”sexting” him. We also have made plans to meet up. I cared very, very deeply about this man and attributed some of his ”bad boy” behavior to the fact that he was only in his 20’s when we were married. I was eight years older. We had our great times together, and I have never felt I could love any man as much as I loved him. When our relationship was going well, we had a great amount of love for one another. But when it got bad, it got very bad.

My current husband has a quick temper but he doesn’t cheat. He works hard and he is generous and goodhearted. We have problems because he is a poor communicator and is rather caustic at times. I love him but I almost left him last year. He would never, ever hit me or cheat on me.

Am I crazy? I feel guilty but I rationalize my behavior by convincing myself that unless we are really sleeping together, there is nothing wrong with my behavior. I know in reality there is but I just can’t seem to stop myself. He makes me feel better over the phone than my husband does here with me. What is wrong with me?

Help please,

Sexting Queen

See what Abiola Abrams has to say about this situation on Essence.com.

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From Essence

I never believe anyone who says, “I don’t have a jealous bone in my body.” Everyone has experienced some form of jealousy in life, whether it is amongst siblings, friends or even successful people we don’t know. Experiencing jealousy, however, does not make you a jealous person.

My sister-friend has been dating a guy for two months and it has been going great. So much so, she was pretty sure she was ready to take it to the next level with him. Two weeks ago, we were having lunch and she was constantly wondering what he was doing while he was out of town. If he took too long to return a text, she’d repeatedly check her messages and then ultimately send new text messages until he responded.

Four days ago, the guy suggested that they take a break after he caught her going through his phone following a night out where she’d questioned him about every woman to whom he spoke. Infidelity in my sister-friend’s past relationships was one part of the reason she was acting this way. The larger issue was that her insecurities were running rampant and because she really liked this guy she was afraid of losing him. Ironically, her own jealous actions lost him faster than another woman ever could.

Read more at Essence.com

Source: WENN

From the outside looking in, former Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak and hubby Kroy Biermann appear to have it all. They’ve got fame, fortune, a spin-off tv show and a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, it looks like someone is trying to throw a major wrench in their happily ever after-esque lifestyle.

According to In Touch Weekly, a woman by the name Elizabeth Seward, who happens to be a former Indiana Pacers cheerleader, claims that she and Kroy began hooking up in January of 2010, 8 months after he supposedly entered into a so-called “exclusive” relationship with Kim.

“I want Kim to know about it,” 25-year-old Seward told In Touch.

“It was this whirlwind love-at-first-sight thing.”

The ex-cheerleader says she moved to Las Vegas July of that year and Kroy continued to come and visit her and would fly her out to training camp to come see him. She also claims that the Atlanta Falcons defensive end was very smooth and sold her plenty of dreams.

“He told me everything you’d want to hear,” Seward expressed recalling one situation where she claims he dropped the G-word. “‘You’re my girlfriend, we’re going to make this work.’”

The woman went on to say that she was crushed only a few days later when she saw photos of Kroy and Kim all cozy at Cynthia Bailey’s wedding. After confronting him about it, Seward says that Kroy told her that Kim was just “a friend.” Sensing that something was up, she continued to pressure Kroy until he allegedly broke down and told her that he was romantically involved with Kim and that they should probably stop speaking.

“Obviously our relationships overlapped,” she said. 

Elizabeth, who still seems to be heartbroken over the love triangle 3 years later, says the experience was an “extremely painful” one that left her feeling “completely betrayed.”

Meanwhile Kim seems to find humor in Elizabeth’s allegations, or at least she wants us to think she does.

An insider suggests that Seward is simply seeking to ruin the Biermann’s happy home and that what she experienced was simply one of the casualties of dating.

“This woman is trying to wreck her happy home life. It wasn’t betrayal. It was just the normal thing that happens when someone is dating and finally falls for someone. The other people get left behind and sometimes they get hurt.”

What do you ladies make of this? At this point in Kroy and Kim’s relationship, does it even matter if he cheated during the early stages of their relationship?

Source: In Touch

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From Essence

Dear Abiola,

I’m in love and having sex with two men. I’m in a web and don’t know my way out.  

I have never been a woman that cheats or really understood why people do it. I was with a man I gave my all to for six years. I was there when everyone turned their backs on him, emotionally, physically and financially. Oh, by the way, I’m 33 and he is 42. He has done some things that most women would fall apart over. He cheated repeatedly and has been caught in lies. I thought I had gotten over the things he did but I would find myself looking at him in disgust and hating him.

Last year, I had enough. I started a friendship with someone that gave me everything. He made me feel like I was the best thing on earth. I started to cheat emotionally and then it became sexual. I left my ex for him. Now we have been in a relationship for almost a year but I cannot let my ex-boyfriend go. I miss him so much that it kills me. I have gone to see him and we speak on the phone, and now I’m cheating on this good man I have at home that gives me everything.

I find myself in love with two men, one that I know is toxic and the other who just leaves me speechless with happiness. I’m more confused than anything. I have tried to speak to my girlfriends but I just can’t seem to get the words out. 

What do I do before this gets out of control?

Signed,

Split

Read the advice relationship coach Abiola gave on Essence.com.

Source: WENN

Breakups can be rough on anyone. Though many of us would like to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is okay, deep down inside we are all humans with feelings that can be hurt and hearts that can break. Celebrities are no different. Back in 2011 when Desperate Housewives actress Eva Longoria split from her NBA-playing ex-hubby Tony Parker due to his infidelity, the 38-year-old beauty resisted the urge to have a public meltdown, stood firmly and expressed that although she was hurt by Parker’s actions, she wouldn’t allow it to define her or impact her self-esteem.

“I just think, ‘Wow, okay, that’s the life you want to live.’ It wasn’t about who he chose. I mean, I had moments [where I wondered], ‘Am I not Hot enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough?’ But in so many of those questions, I immediately stopped and said, ‘No, don’t start doing that.’ Because you can get stuck in that cycle and you can carry on to other things,” she said during a 2012 Lifetime special.

Although she didn’t allow the divorce to cause her to question her worth, she recently revealed during an appearance on the Dr. Oz Show that it did, however, prompt her to sink into a serious period of depression.

“People kept saying, ‘You look amazing. Divorce agrees with you. And I was like, ‘I don’t feel good. I have no energy.’ I didn’t know I was depressed. I mean, I knew it was a sad moment in my life, but I wouldn’t categorize myself as depressed.”

“[Months after our breakup was] the time I got the most compliments, because I was so skinny. I was not eating. I was depressed. I was sad. My diet was coffee.”

After making a trip to the doctor, Longoria says she learned that she’d been suffering from a little more than just a broken heart.

“I was just depleted of every vitamin. He said it’s as if somebody took a straw and sucked everything out of your body. ‘You don’t have any iron and your liver’s overacting.’ It was like all these things were physically wrong with my body, so I had to saturate with vitamins and kind of get back on this track.”

Thankfully she was able to bounce back. All in all, Eva says she learned that “you don’t have anything if you don’t have your health.”

We couldn’t agree more.

Source: VH1

As someone who found herself captivated by season one of “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta,” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious for the premiere of season 2 this coming Monday. Like other fans of the show, I’ve been watching the super trailers promoting the return of some of the series’ most ratchet of characters, which of course includes Mimi Faust, Joseline Hernandez and the one and only Stevie J. At the conclusion of last season, it seemed as though Mimi was finally moving on from Stevie, and the love triangle between them was finally over. But as we see from some clips for the upcoming season, that may not be entirely true.

Even though it seems Mimi has moved on and found a new man, she has said in recent interviews that she can’t quite shake Stevie and that a part of her will always love him because of their 15-plus year history and because they have a daughter together. And Stevie J recently revealed that he loves and wants them both. I can see Stevie wanting his cake and eating it too, but after that revelation, I don’t see how either woman would want to deal with that. From Mimi’s standpoint, once Joseline was in the picture, I don’t understand how she could stay wrapped up in this love triangle as long as she did, but like most men and women who find themselves in this situation, sometimes it’s not about wanting to hold on to the love you share with the primary person at the center of the relationship (Stevie), it’s about wanting to “win” and beat out the “other” person (Joseline). The sad part is, sometimes the lines get blurred and it’s hard to figure out if you are indeed the main woman, or the “other” woman — especially if the man is sending mixed messages and leading you on.

Since the relationship between Mimi and Stevie has been on and off again for 15 years, it’s safe to say that she feels she is the “main woman,” so from Mimi’s standpoint, I understand wanting to try to fight and save the relationship. She has a lot of love and time invested, and any time a couple shares a child, I don’t feel anyone is necessarily wrong for wanting to salvage the relationship in order to keep the family together. However at some point you have to know when enough is enough and it’s time to throw in the towel, especially if you are being disrespected in the process. No matter how much a person wants to save a failing relationship, once a third party enters the picture, it’s time to consider your own feelings of self worth and not make yourself the victim anymore. This goes for the “other” woman as well.

Giving Joseline and other “other” women the benefit of the doubt, most women (and men) find themselves as the “third wheel” by accident. Maybe it’s because the primary person lied about their relationship status, or downplayed his or her relationship. Other times, the third party may have full knowledge that the primary person is in a relationship, but has somehow convinced herself that they are justified in continuing a relationship with the primary person anyway. If there is a strong attraction there, as well as a deep emotional attachment – whether it happened instantly or gradually, through deceit or full knowledge – everyone involved in a love triangle has a decision to make before they get to a dangerous place. The reality is each person is essentially satisfying their own needs and getting their own fulfillment without regard for anyone else – even if it’s only temporary. While Stevie J may look like the selfish one in this scenario, the women are just as selfish as he is because they are choosing to stay with a man who has told them both that they’re just passengers on his bus. He hasn’t made these women victims – they’re victimizing themselves.

The best thing to do for all involved is to really take stock of what it is that’s missing from their lives that landed them in a love triangle in the first place. The primary person, or the cheater, should be honest about what’s missing from the relationship that caused him or her to stray. This isn’t to justify his actions, but simply to communicate to his partner that either he is dissatisfied with the relationship or can’t fully commit to one person so that she has the choice to leave or stay. He or she must also be honest and selfless enough to end the relationship before bringing another person into it.

The partner, once he or she finds out that a third party has entered into the relationship, must be honest about why he or she would stay in such a disrespectful situation. Do you want to “win” or “beat” the other person, simply because you were there first? Or do you honestly feel that you and the primary person can actually heal after you’ve discovered an affair? Sometimes women feel that the affair can help shed light on what was wrong so they can fix things, when it fact, the plug should have been pulled on the dying relationship a long time ago…and now they’re just holding on because they’re afraid to be alone. So they stay and hope the “other woman” will go away nicely on her own.

Then there’s the “other woman,” the woman on the side who now feels vested and also wants to “win.” She too hopes to just “stick it out” and wait for the primary relationship to wrap up so that they can get on with their lives. But how often does that honestly happen? What the third party needs to understand is that usually, if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you as well. If you do “win” him, mainly because the main chick has decided to leave, is that how you really want to win? The novelty and newness of your affair will soon wear off, and you’ll be left wondering if you can trust the man that once cheating with you on someone else. Is it really worth it?

At the end of the day, it’s all about having self respect — no matter where you fall in the love triangle. How you got there doesn’t matter, intentional or not, but how you move forward is what will determine your character. Everyone in this situation has full control over their actions and behavior – and whether you’ve been cheated on, or are the person on the side, you can continue to make choices that will most likely lead to heartbreak, or you can step away from the love triangle and start a new life with someone more deserving of your affection. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected, but you can’t wait for someone to do that for you, and you certainly won’t find that with a borrowed lover. Love begins with self respect, and you’ll always come up empty if you sell yourself short.

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A while ago I attended a party with a few friends and co-workers. While everyone was dancing, eating and drinking, I sat down next to one of my friends and we began to chat about the atmosphere. As we chatted and gazed around the room, we noticed something a little odd. We noticed that a mutual associate of ours was wrapped in a very intimate embrace with her main male squeeze…nothing too peculiar about that, but what was odd was that while we observed her intimately embracing her main squeeze, we also saw the man she was dating on the side standing next to them, watching them as they embraced; and not only that, during the embrace, she gazed into the male “Misteress’” eyes and he smiled at her. When this moment ended, they all stood there talking and laughing as if they were all best friends.

Now this may not seem strange to some, but it was to my friend and I who were observing this scene, because both men seemed aware that she was being intimately involved with both of them. Again, this may not seem too out of the ordinary for some, but ladies what I want to know is, is it okay for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get along, especially when they both know about her relationship with them both?

Some may say yes, as long as both men know where they stand, and they aren’t disrespectful to each other, which is a very valid point; but how respectful is it knowing that the woman they are involved with is intimately involved with someone else? And you know who he is! Personally, I think this is disrespectful to both men, and the woman. Why? Because both men deserve to be with one woman who will engage in a healthy, monogamous relationship with them, and give them all of the attention they need (if that’s what they want). It also shows disrespectful actions from the woman. How? Because as a woman, she should have more respect for her man and herself, and should respect the relationship she is involved in. Now I know many of you may be thinking, but men do this all the time and no one seems to have a problem with it! While this may be true, what we fail to realize is that some mistresses do struggle with being the other woman; but they keep their struggle inside.

Relationships are hard to maintain with two people involved, and when there is a third or even fourth party involved, things can really get crazy because of the emotional attachments that can occur. It is my personal belief that it is not cool for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get a long, or even know each other at all, because as I stated previously, it’s disrespectful to the men involved and the relationship(s). Even if the men involved are okay with knowing each other and knowing their position, you never know what they are saying about the woman behind her back to each other, and other men. The art of discretion is a gift that is a part of a woman’s natural being.  Practicing discretion as a woman is a must, especially when it comes to our intimate affairs and our relationships. If you have a main squeeze and a side dish, or you’re just seeing multiple guys at one time, keep them separate for your own self-respect, and for the sake of the self-respect of the men involved. Even if they don’t care, you should because showing and giving a man the respect they deserve in any type of relationship will make you a better woman and them a better man.

Ladies do you think it’s cool for a woman to have their main squeeze and their side dish know each other?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

From YourTango

Jesse James deceived us all as he played doting husband to America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock for five years. Then his affair with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee became headline news. Even three years later, it’s not far from the public’s mind.

James’, 43, name is back in the news this week as he’s just walked down the aisle for the fourth time.  Bride no. 4 is 35-year-old Alexis DeJoria, a professional drag racer—and the daughter of billionaire John Paul DeJoria, co-founder of Paul Mitchell hair products. The couple, dating for seven months, got engaged after only one month together. Both have kids from previous relationships.

In 2011, James also popped the question to tattoo artist Kat Von D, but his repeat cheating prevented them from tying the knot.

After three failed marriages and the gusto to try for a fourth time, it’s clear James likes the idea of marriage. But that does not mean he’s good at it. And not surprisingly, he’s got a lot of A-list company in the Worst Hollywood Husbands Club. (Do you think these guys have secret group meetings to discuss just how terrible they are at being husbands?)

Source: WENN

1. Tiger Woods

Check out the other nine on YourTango.com.

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Let’s face it, everyone has lied at one point in his or her life. And while one sex may argue that one gender lies more than the other, let’s just concede that men and women lie equally, just about different things …or about the same things in different ways. For example, women may lie about how many sex partners they’ve had by making the number smaller – while men lie about how many sex partners they’ve had by making the number bigger — flip sides of the same coin. I’ll get into what women lie about in another post, but for today, let’s explore a few of the top things men lie about.