All Articles Tagged "cheating"
No one else will tell them, so I’ll tell them that they are cowards. Cut and dry. Plain and simple. But I think they’re already hip to that, right? It’s the reason they lash out when their significant other comes to them with the “What are we (doing)?” conversations. It’s the reason they are in a relationship but act single as often as they can. It’s the reason they feel it’s fine to keep in constant, inappropriate contact with their ex(es). They are cowards with egos and no vision.
Could they stick around and continue to make their partner’s life miserable by not fully committing and stringing them along while they sit back and take it? Absolutely! But why though?
We skate from one ‘relationship’ to the next, never really doing the work it takes to love someone else because we are afraid and selfish and in short supply of vision/purpose. That’s the long and short of it. The saddest part is that most of us who string others along emotionally within relationships see no reason why to stop.
“She/He is still here, aren’t they? If they really wanted to leave, they could have BEEN left me.
We blame them for loving us fervently, and when they do, some of us also treat these significant others like they’re the most annoying people in the world. Sick, right? We’re unsure of exactly what we want but we’re too afraid of committing to the one who genuinely wants us, so we make statements like the one above to absolve ourselves of any guilt. Instead of separating from that person and working on ourselves, we project the blame onto them for sticking around. “Shame on you for loving me. Leave me, then.”
We fail to realize that we further strip ourselves of our power to change when we behave this way. I should know.
My ex tried his hardest to keep in close, inappropriate contact with me for a while. He has a girlfriend who is thinking about marriage, and he knows this, but marriage is the furthest thing from his mind. So what would he rather do? Call and share with ME every major change that has happened in his life. For a while there, he would text me at all hours of the night. He called ME to complain about his girlfriend. We all have an ex like that, yes? And, as quiet as we keep it, we’re that ex sometimes.
For a while, I’ll admit that I allowed it. It was only phone calls and text messages. I liked the attention. I was glad that it seemed that he realized what he missed out on with me. But then it got so unreservedly annoying and troubling. I thought it through – something I had refused to do before. His girlfriend, this poor woman, was doing all of the things I used to do when I was with him. Staying, trying to convince him of how much she loves him. She’s sitting by the phone waiting for him to call her and here he was calling me. She has no idea that she is the furthest thing from his mind while she’s totally committed to him. Will all that finally in mind, I cut contact. There was no way I would continue to be an accomplice to such blatant disrespect. He is holding her chance for reciprocity hostage by selling her a dream that more than likely he will never deliver. It’s unfair, but of course, it’s not uncommon.
So often our fear of being alone and working on ourselves is allowed to grow so much bigger than our desire to do right by those who care for us the most. It takes strength and uprightness to make that kind of choice as opposed to holding our relationships and those we claim to care about in limbo. The question always is: Are we strong enough individuals to make that choice?
La Truly is a writer, college professor and natural hair and holistic lifestyle enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young women. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
Why do people cheat? Is it about sex? Being unhappy in a relationship? Truth is, there are tons of reasons why people are unfaithful to their significant others — and a new survey fromVictoriaMilan.com found that 45 percent cheaters have an affair because their partners were glued to their phones. What?!
Regardless, it’s the biggest relationship no-no in the book, but it happens more frequently than any of us would ever like. And whether you’re the cheating or the cheating on, the end result is just as heart wrenching. There’s a frustrating double-standard when it comes to infidelity and monogamy: We typically believe that men, when they’re cheating on a woman, are doing so because their woman isn’t there for them in the ways they need, giving them almost a free pass in the matter; while when a woman strays, it’s because she’s ungrateful and a Slore.
So we polled the guys in our lives to see how they feel about cheating, which sex does it more often and if it’s ever forgivable.
Forgive And Forget
“I cheated on my first girlfriend in college. It was a Shytety thing to do,” says Scott, 27, “but when I was that young I didn’t really care about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I’m not saying what I did was okay … when you’re that young you just Fawk up a lot and learn as you go. It sucked to see how badly I was hurting her, and since we were in the same friends circle the wound never really healed for either of us. She said that she’d forgiven me, but since we were always together, it was impossible to forget.”
“I’ve been cheated on twice,” Cody, 28, says. “I’m like the posterboy for cheaters! It’s a terrible feeling but at the same time, it’s really liberating: You see clearly that, ‘Okay, I do not want to be with this person who is so selfish they can’t even break up with me before they disrespect me.’ So you move on. I try to be the bigger person, most times, and forgive them. Then I cancel them from every social site I know of and swear to never see them again. I think it’s harder for guys because we’re supposed to be these big, strong men who don’t break down and don’t get upset, but, uh, when to two different girls you love do that to you, guess what? You cry. I’m not still crying over it though,” he adds with a laugh, “but the best thing for you is to make your peace with it and then move on.”
Who Does It More?
“Gonna break a lot of hearts with this one,” says Steve, 25, “but girls cheat more than guys. I have a ton of girl friends and they are always talking about seeing other dudes on the side. It’s kinda surprising for me because you’d think that guys do it more — and maybe they do and they’re just better about hiding it — but from the people I spend time with, you’d be shocked to hear how many girls are okay with cheating on their guy.”
“Girls,” says Dylan, a 21-year-old college student says, “are the worst in relationships. You’d never think that, right? Well, it’s true. I think they’ve changed the game up on guys because I’ve never had so many friends be played by their girlfriends. I think that girls are cheating more because they’re tired of being the soft ones in the relationship.”
“I’d say guys are still cheating more than girls, though I know of a lot more girls who’ve ran out on their men in recent years,” says Joey, 31. “Men are still playing their women.”
Read more at YourTango.com
I have asked and expressed to her that we can’t be friends right now if she is entertaining other men. ie; texting, talking on the phone, going out on dates etc. I asked her if she was doing so and she says NO. She said she’s not doing ANY of the above. I know people. Sometimes we have platonic friends who need someone to talk to about our issues etc. I do, and I tell her. She even knows the names of the women I talk to. These are women/sisters/close female friends of mine over 15yrs+. So there is no need for me to be secretive about it with her. I ask her if she has male friends she talks to and still says no. But I know differently. She DOES have a male friend who she talks to but won’t be honest with me about it. Which makes me even more curious.
However, I have been able to gain access to her phone/text logs. I noticed a new number over the last two months. But what really alarmed me is that over the last 8 days they both initiated texts between each other. They’ve texted each other over 175 times in the last 8 days. And still continue to text back and forth, but without actually talking on the phone. I’ve called the guy and asked who he was and of course, he wouldn’t say. I’ve repeatedly asked my girlfriend if she’s talking or TEXTING anyone and she says no. She also says that if she’s interested in anyone else she wouldn’t be dealing ME. But they still communicate daily. I can’t figure out who this person is, and she’s claiming she’s not talking to anyone else. What do I do? Why would a woman only talk to a man via text so much and not the phone? They text as much as she and I speak on the phone. And we talk about 2-3hrs a day. It sucks because I can’t tell her I’ve seen her call log. I can’t even use the excuse that I saw it on her cell phone. There is no way I can bring up the number. I just want the truth.
So remember how at the end of “The Best Man” everyone watched Morris Chestnut’s character Lance marry Mia (Monica Calhoun) after finding out she slept with Harper and we were all like, in what world would that happen? Sure, Lance had been dipping out on Mia for forever, but we doubted many men could get over that hurt so quickly.
When we got the opportunity to chat with Morris and Monica at the press junket for “The Best Man Holiday,” we decided to ask the on-screen couple whether they could be as forgiving of a cheating lover in real life. Morris told us he probably couldn’t get over it, but Monica shocked us all when she said she’d forgive her man but there’d have to be a “make-up period.” At first we weren’t sure what she meant by that, but then it quickly became clear Monica was saying she’d have to get a retaliation cheat in — so basically she’d do exactly what Mia did in the movie.
Check out her explanation in the video below and Morris’s shock at her answer. What do you think about what she said?
If your friend has been cheated on, she needs you now more than ever. But sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you do.
Keyshia Cole and hubby Daniel “Boobie” Gibson just cannot seem to figure out what do with their marriage. With rumors of Boobie’s infidelity always sky high, it looks like it’s the wife’s turn: Is Keyshia Cole cheating too?
On Friday night, Drake threw an after party to celebrate his big concert in the city. Keyshia was there and she looked pretty comfortable with Atlanta party promoter, Mr. Rugs. Of course, it could be “nothing,” but then again, married people don’t just allow people of the opposite sex that far into their space, do they? She even seems to be hiding her ring finger (which she does quite often lately in party photos).
If you’ve heard anything about the Gibson marriage lately, you’re well aware that they take their anger out on each other via social media. Boobie has taken to posting pictures that express how angry he’s been over whatever is going on in his life. Keyshia, on the other hand, has been ignoring most things – including the talk about these latest pictures.
So, is it really over for the Gibsons? Is Keyshia Cole cheating or are they separated at this point? Who knows but at the very least, hopefully they can figure out some peaceful ground so they can co-parent and raise their son. Only time will tell.
Cover image source: Prince William/Atlpics.net
I returned from a J. Cole concert a few weeks ago to a very pouty-looking fiancé whom I later found out was offended by my love and appreciation for J. Cole and Drake. My stanning is no secret and I think those are two of the sexiest men on the planet. However, not once did I ever think of my fantasizing as a problem. It got me thinking about the gray areas of infidelity and what different people consider cheating. We all like to think that once we’ve found the one our faithfulness will be unbreakable, but how do you define your fidelity and at what point do you begin to question its strength?
If I’m completely honest, I can’t tell you what I’d do if, in the words of Elle Varner, I got light-skinned Jermaine in a sound proof room, but I would hate to think that my fidelity is really balanced on the improbability of a fantasy. What about those couples who give their partners a fantasy pass or a hall pass, because after all, how often is the chance to have sex with a celebrity crush going to happen? And before the rebuttals start flying back as women confidently claim, “I love my babe. No other man, celebrity or not, could change that,” let’s just be clear that I am strictly talking about sex, not love. I mean, most people would consider either cheating, but being simply sexually attracted to someone else is way different than wanting to be in a relationship with them. And how many women claiming that they would never sink to be a groupie (even if only for a night) have pictured Morris Chestnut on top of them when in reality they’re in bed with their boyfriend? We all fantasize, but does daydreaming mean we’re incapable of being monogamous?
Sex-therapist, Dr. David Schnarch, suggests that nothing is wrong with “partner-replacement fantasy” until the fantasy starts replacing your actual sex life. So if you’re telling your man you don’t want to be touched because you’d rather watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back for the umpteenth time, you may have more of a problem with your partner than you think. Fantasy allows people, especially in long-term relationships, to temporarily ignore the predictability that can come with truly knowing their partner. So if for 10 minutes you can imagine Morris Chestunt as se*y, sophisticated, smart and romantic, there’s no harm in that, right?
“As I get older my experiences have taught me that life is a lot grayer than I thought. It’s easy to be less judgmental when you realize that,” I told a friend the other day. There are no right answers for every relationship. All two people can do is find what works well for the two of them. That means that cheating has to be defined by the people in that relationship from the beginning: One man’s kiss is another man’s intercourse.
I don’t think anyone is 100 percent monogamous. I like to believe that fidelity, much like sexuality, can be measured on a scale from Chris Rock’s character in I Think I Love My Wife to Diane Lane in Unfaithful. If my experience being in a long-term relationship has taught me anything it’s that we all flirt, we all fantasize, we all have urges to have sex with someone else from time to time, but it doesn’t mean we’re all a Cheaters episode waiting to happen. On the flip side, just because you’re not getting it popping on the regular with someone other than your partner doesn’t mean you’re completely innocent either.
When it comes to monogamy, I’m pretty open-minded; I don’t consider it cheating unless you’re doing something you know damn well you should only be doing with your partner. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s a pretty good sign. Fantasizing can even be a healthy way to re-ignite the attraction to your partner, as long as it stays inside your head and not in your bed.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
Looks like K. Michelle finally kicked Lance Stephenson to the curb. But even the rumor mill knew the NBA baller was cheating long before K. Michelle said bye. Sometimes the decision to leave a cheater isn’t so cut and dry. Check out our list of reasons to stay or go then tell us: is it ever OK to stay when he cheats?
Something’s different. And you have a sneaking suspicion that he’s up to no good. Could he be cheating? We’ve got a few signs that suggest he might be. If we’ve missed any of the breadcrumbs that clued you in, leave ‘em in the comments section.
Recently, a friend and I were having a discussion about cheating. He was feeling a bit guilty and wanted to know if fantasizing about someone else during sex with your partner is cheating. Hmmm….good question. Of course, I had to ask who he was fantasizing about. Was it Halle Berry…or an ex girlfriend? He said out of the hundreds of times he’s had sex with his girlfriend, he only fantasized about someone else twice. Once was with a chick he never actually had sex with, but who he wished he did, and the other was with an ex.
I think I was more impressed that the fantasies only happened twice. That takes some serious mental stamina, because let’s face it, men are visual creatures; it seems natural to me that they keep a bevy of exes, celebs and any woman in between in their mental playback during sex.
But women do it too. For some men, it’s hard to imagine that we could possibly be thinking of anyone else while you’re giving us the long stroke…but it happens. More than you think. If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us have probably fantasized about someone else while having sex with our partner. Should we feel guilty? I don’t think so. Well, not necessarily.
It’s okay for your mind to wander into the fantasy realm from time to time, but what does this say about your relationship? If you’re still pining after your ex and thinking of him/her while you’re having sex, maybe there’s a problem. But if you’re dreaming of a supermodel, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.
Some people feel that any kind of connection, physical or emotional, to a person outside of their relationship is cheating. Others say it’s only human nature and we all do it, so it’s nothing serious. It’s not until you get into the grey area that we can spark any real debate – and that grey area would be the actual relationship. Fantasizing about someone other than your partner during sex could be a healthy addition to your sex life. It’s only a sign of trouble if there is some other disconnect happening where the thought of being with your partner physically is emotionally or mentally agonizing.
On the surface, it may seem hurtful to consider that your partner would think about someone else while having sex with you because you think it means he or she doesn’t love you or is detached from you. But many psychologists say it’s actually a sign of a healthy sex life. Think about it: if you weren’t deriving any pleasure from your partner at all, you would be too bored or depressed to even fantasize. Now it might be lazy of you to fantasize rather than focusing on your partner, but hopefully it’s only happening that night. My friend said he only did it twice, which suggests to me that most of the time, he’s getting all he needs met from his girl both physically and emotionally. But throw in marriage, kids, routine, and monotony, and you might need to conjure up an image of Beyoncé or Boris Kodjoe to mix things up a bit.
Fantasizing is born out of pleasure, not so much about wishing your partner were someone else. It’s an ego boost for you more than an attack on your partner’s self esteem. It can also be a healthy way to add variety to your sex life – again something which signals a sex life that is alive and thriving rather than one that has become boring or non-existent. You can think of it as a “safe” way to cheat.
There is a world of difference between thinking and doing. Simply fantasizing about someone else does not constitute making an emotional connection with that person, much less a physical one. Without that kind of legitimate bond, it can hardly be considered cheating. We’re all human after all; just because we commit to someone doesn’t mean we stop being attracted to other people. Cheating only comes into play when you act on that attraction.
So if you find yourself picturing your fave male celebrity crush the next time you’re getting busy, don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s perfectly normal and as long as your heart is in the right place, there is nothing wrong with letting your mind drift a little bit.
What say you, Is it cheating? Should you share your fantasies with your partner – or just keep them to yourself?