I was in my senior year of college, working registers at the local ShopRite not far from my school’s campus. I hadn’t been at the job long, maybe two weeks, but I was starting to adjust to the foreign faces that passed through the aisles in the predominantly white town and the concept of standing stationary on my feet for hours on in.

Well one day, while working my assigned shift, I experienced a situation that I’ll probably never forget. Looking cute with my hair pulled high in a wild curly bush and dressed in my regular ShopRite attire, I was busy ringing up customers when a middle-aged white man stepped into my aisle. He was an attractive man, tall in height with peppered hair and relaxed clothing. I had noticed him eyeing me before he reached the register, but didn’t pay him that much mind. Mr. Stare-me-down was accompanied by his daughter, whom, once they reached the register, he assigned to the end of the conveyor belt to do some bagging for him.

I politely greeted him and treated him just as a regular shopper until I asked for his ShopRite card. Then, s**t got real. Once he realized he didn’t have his card, I asked him if he wanted to punch in his home number, and boy, did he steal that opportunity to unveil just how big of a scumbag he was. Instead of putting in the digits himself, he wanted me to do it so I could “Remember this number and give [him] a call.”

Huh?

I decided to ignore that comment and just typed in his digits so that I could ring him up and he could keep it moving.

But he was persistent, so he continued by telling me to call him, but ring three times and hang up so that he would know it was me and his wife wouldn’t have time to answer the phone when I called. Really? He couldn’t have been serious. Thinking he was joking, I laughed it off, until he said it again—with a dead-serious, poker-straight face; obnoxiously chewing his gum and looking at me like he was the best thing smoking and I should’ve appreciated him showing me interest. Then I realized, he definitely was not playing. He was really an a**hole.

As I totaled his groceries and gave him his receipt, he made sure he reaffirmed his gravity by telling me “I’ll be waiting on your call. Ring three times. That’s It.” And walking off with his hand cupped affectionately on his daughter’s shoulder like he was the coolest dad in the world. He really had some nerve.

I shared my story with a few people and they all laughed. I have to admit that it was funny, but I was totally disgusted at the same time. It’s crazy to me because he actually thought he had it like that. That he could just walk in the grocery store, hit on the little black girl, give me his number, tell me to call and I would be falling at his feet. HILARIOUS! But really my man, you’re not only married and giving out your house number to women (not the cell number, but the HOUSE number–oh, the disrespect), but you tried to scoop me while in the presence of your child? Your daughter at that. Way to go, what a huge role model you are.

I guess if his daughter grows up to have a pig for a husband, he’d feel no shame. Maybe he could give her groom a few pointers on how to handle his side chicks. Advise him to tell ‘em all to hit him up while he’s home with his daughter, but make sure they only ring three times. That’s it. ‘Cause that’s the best way to keep things on the low. And that’s just how you handle your business when you’re a married man.

Sick.

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Most of what I know about love and relationships today came from the things that my parents taught me growing up and personal experiences. My mother made sure I knew about the common lies and lines that men who were deceitful would try to run on me. My dad made sure he trained me to spot out a man who was only looking for “that thing.” Personal experiences taught me the rest. While my parents were amazing teachers, there were just some things that they couldn’t teach me. There were those things that I just couldn’t sit and talk to them about. This is where my guy friends would have fit in perfectly. Some of these points may seem like simple common sense; however, most of these lessons were only learned through experience.

Source: madamenoire.com

From yourtango.com

By Ms. N. Meridian

In light of all the controversy still surrounding the Kristen Stewart/Rupert Sanders affair, let’s take a look at some of the ways affairs actually begin.

For most, affairs aren’t necessarily wrapped up in mere curiosity. Nor are they always about the sensual, sweaty romp most imagine. Sometimes, it’s not even about sex at all.

In actuality, an affair can start from something more basic, like the level of intimacy you lack with your own partner. So before you start planning your rendezvous, ask yourself how you got to this moment in the first place. Here’s a look at eleven subtle signs you’re on the verge of an affair:

“It’s complicated” in so many words may imply that things aren’t great; that you’re considering a way out. It might even show that if you felt that the right opportunity presented itself, you may cheat.

Read more at yourtango.com

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madamenoire.com

This past Monday night I sat with my eyeballs glued to my television screen as I indulged in my latest guilty pleasure, Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta. I felt a twitch, followed by some strange emotion well up within me while I watched the scene between Scrappy and Erica as he came to her house to collect the last of his belongings, make sure she was “gon’ look out for him on that child support paperwork”, and put in that final bid to make sure she’ll take him back when he feels like he wants to be with her again. I remember thinking “Woah, Mona really nailed this scene to the T”. That is when I realized that the emotion that I felt welling up inside was a direct result of the reminiscent memories from my own life that this scene brought back to my remembrance. Not everyone caught the full gist of it because the child support thing threw everyone for a loop, but I recognized this scene all too well because this was once my life. What Scrappy was trying to do when he gave Erica his whole “I hope you welcome me back when I get my head right” spiel was to ensure that after he got done doing him and things didn’t work out in his favor, she would be there ready and willing to be his Plan B girl. I nodded my head in approval as Erica refused Scrappy’s offer to play second fiddle.

I can remember a time where I was playing the role of the Plan B girl or the “bottom chick” and didn’t even realize it. It was Spring 2007 and I had finally met the guy my mama warned me about and my papa fought so hard to keep my naive, suburban behind away from. He was from Harlem, swagged out, smooth talking and everything else that I had never experienced before. I was open after a few all night phone conversations and a couple of dates. Next thing I knew I was driving the car that my parents purchased for me to get to school and work up to Harlem every day. We’d drive all over the city, blasting Jim Jones’ “Honey Dip”, “I’m In Love With A Thug”, and all of those other hood love songs (Lol, corny, I know). It wasn’t long before my fairy tale turned into an all out ghetto soap opera and I realized that my little hood celebrity was quite popular with the ladies. I started to realize that he loved fighting and breaking up on Fridays and getting back together by Monday morning, all so he could do him Saturday and Sunday nights without feeling guilty. He was always hitting me with the “I love you and I hope we can be together we I get my head right”. Thank God I eventually peeped game and deaded that for good. He had broken up with me, yet again before one of his little getaway trips and as I was sitting in class listening to one of my professors drone on and on about Othello and Desdemona I received a text alert to my phone. “Jazzooo I miss you. Will I see you when I get back?” I assumed his getaway was coming to an end. “Nope,” I replied. Enough was enough and I had finally come to my senses.

One of the best lessons I’ve ever learned was that a man who truly loves you will never try to use you as his plan b because what he’s really saying is “Hey, I dig you, but I think there’s something better out there”. For example, Diddy and Kim Porter, after all of these years of breaking up and making up they’re still at it. There is absolutely no future in being an option in someone’s life. There’s no payoff in seeing who can hold on the longest. Time is of the essence and no one really has time to waste, waiting around for boys to become men, wake up, smell the coffee and realize that they had a good thing. Playing the role of an option simply subjects one’s heart to rejection and abandonment over and over again. I remember helplessly watching a friend pick up the pieces of her life after her on again/off again man left her at the altar for a second time. Not only did she have to cope with her broken heart, but she had to face the reality that the signs were there a long time ago, but signs are irrelevant if one refuses to open their eyes and see them. Recognizing and admitting that you are playing the bottom chick in your relationship can be a hard pill to swallow, walking away can be even more difficult. But, what is difficult now can cause even more damage in the long run.

Jazmine Denise is a New York City based Lifestyle & Relationship writer. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

thenegroqueen.com

It sounds like such a harmless, even charming term: a hopeless romantic. But, ruminating all day on love, on a man, on images of a relationship can be destructive and, unfortunately, humiliating.  And that’s what you’ll be if you over prioritize men and love.

Here’s why….

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Picture this. You’re on a triple date at Disneyland, three girls, three guys, and everyone’s booed up. Part of the crew goes off for food, get on a ride or whatever, you’re left to muddle through small talk with your friend’s boyfriend. And every time the two of you are alone, he’s trying to rub up, telling you how he’d like to be with you, how you look way better than his girl.

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Lots of women have forgiven the unforgivable. Famous women, women you worship with in church every week and women in your own family have given a man a second chance after he broke a sacred vow to stay faithful. It’s tough to learn of a spouse’s cheating and perhaps even tougher to stick around and forgive.

Your Tango offers up a few bits of advice on how to maintain your sanity after you’ve forgiven a cheating man. Do you agree with their tips?

Have you forgiven a cheating man? How did that work out?

From the desk of Dr. Phoenyx:

Let me jump right in by confessing that I have snooped. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. Why? Because in EVERY snooping case, I have discovered exactly what I sensed- deception. I have confirmed a past lover’s unfaithfulness or general deceptiveness, and snooping gave me the ammunition I needed to “pull the trigger” on the relationship. I haven’t snooped on every ex. But when I dealt with someone that caused that little voice in my head to whisper “something ain’t right here girl,” I did take it upon myself to check things out. And you know what? I do not feel the least bit guilty for it. I listened to my intuition and it never steered me wrong.

I’ve always found it interesting when folks give advice like: “You shouldn’t snoop. You should just talk to them. And if your partner says they’re not cheating/lying, just drop the issue. You’re probably just being insecure or paranoid. And even if they are cheating/lying, you still shouldn’t snoop. Eventually the truth will come to light anyway.”

Really?! As far as I’m concerned, that’s absolutely ludicrous. And I would never give someone I cared about that kind of advice. In this day and age, the risks are too high for a woman to just “wait for the truth to come to light.”

I’ve observed some men that have taken lying and cheating to a level that is worthy of a psychological case study.  And as I’ve gotten older I have come to accept that some men do lack that “morality chip.” Some don’t always behave the way that they should, and leave you with no other option but to snoop. For example, a close girlfriend of mine once shared that her fiancé started disappearing for hours at a time and not picking up her calls. Her gut told her something was up. So she decided to do the “adult” thing and confront him. She asked him directly: “Are you cheating?” And he responded: “No babe. That’s ‘crazy’. I love you. I’d never do that.”

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I recently received an email from a woman asking for advice on what she should do since catching her boyfriend cheating. She wrote that they are in a serious relationship, that she recently met his family, and that they were discussing marriage. To make a long email short, she wrote that she caught him sending sexually explicit texts to someone he once described as a female “friend.”  In the texts her boyfriend also suggested meeting up for sex. Devastated, his girlfriend confronted him and he apologized. She wants to believe him and patch things up, but she also wants me to help her determine whether he’s genuinely sorry for cheating or just sorry he got caught.

I truly empathized with this woman because she is now in a place where she has to make a very serious decision while in a state of great emotional pain that is most likely clouding her better judgment. I’ve been in similar positions myself, and I have counseled other women in similar positions. So here’s my take…

When it comes to a man cheating (or anyone cheating for that matter), I think it is very important to take some time away from the relationship to objectively re-evaluate things. Why? Because you need to think things through with a clear head. And one of the most important things you need to look at is whether he a) confessed on his own or b) was caught cheating.

It is my firm belief, from personal and professional experience, that if man takes the initiative to confess his wrongs, then he is a man who has a core set of moral values as well as a conscience. People make poor choices, and the ability to fess up to those choices speaks volumes about an individual’s character. Now mind you, I said people make “poor choices” and not people make “mistakes.” I worded it this way because cheating is not a mistake- it is a deliberate choice. A man who cheats should be held accountable for his actions- one of those consequences being that you will leave him. And a man who confesses is a man who is willing to accept this consequence. So take some time away from him. If your man’s truly remorseful, he will understand and use that time to work on himself. And if you decide to reconcile after some time away, I highly advise taking all the necessary steps to heal the relationship (i.e. getting counseling).

Now let’s talk about the other type of man- the man who gets caught cheating. Remember, cheating is a “choice.” It is not a “mistake.” And the man that can guiltlessly cheat while masquerading as “faithful,” or even worse yet, propose marriage, is a man that lacks a moral compass and a conscience… PERIOD. There is no other excuse or explanation. Ladies, you have to accept this fact. Is this someone you want to tie your life with or even associate with? Only you can answer that. But before you do, I’m going to once again urge you to take a break from the relationship to re-evaluate things. In the time away, critique your relationship. Look at what you have to offer, and what he’s compromised. Fully weigh your options and whether he’s worth anymore of your time. You may even realize that he actually has a lot more to gain from being with you than you have to gain from being with him.

In life we must accept that love comes with sacrifice and occasional disappointment. And I think Bob Marley summed it up best when he said, “Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

Is your man worth it? Only you can determine that. But before you do, take my advice and take some time away from him and the relationship. Forgive him, but also give yourself the opportunity to live life without him. And trust me, once you’ve had some time away to reflect and see things more objectively, you’ll have all the answers you need.

Would you ever choose to stay with someone who cheated? Do you think relationships can totally recover from this type of betrayal?

Liked this article and want to know more about our writer Dr. Phoenyx Austin? Well show her some love on her Facebook fan page. A phenomenal mix of brains and beauty, Dr. Phoenyx is a physician, beauty & lifestyle writer, and media personality who encourages all women to be fierce and fabulous! And you can also follow her on Twitter @Dr_Phoenyx!

Most people, men and women, do want love- and that’s a great goal to have.  But are you in a relationship where you continually find yourself going the distance because you think you’re in “love.” Have you ever done unhealthy things or made unhealthy sacrifices for someone you thought you loved? Sometimes we women will stretch ourselves to the limit- all in the name of “love.” And it can to turn out to be quite unhealthy and unhappy for us because sometimes what we think is love really isn’t. And sometimes the one we love doesn’t truly deserve the love we have to give.

Remember this: There is always an emotional and even physical cost to being in love. But there are also wonderful benefits if you’ve found real love. Real love is something that involves work and sacrifice, but it also something that enriches and elevates you to an even better place. It isn’t something where you have to do unhealthy and compromising things to obtain or maintain it.

So before you make any decision for love, think about the cost and benefit. Why? Because your love is too precious to give to just anyone. Here are 5 unhealthy things women often do for love: