All Articles Tagged "cheater"
Is it really work not to cheat?
My coworker has a friend whose husband told his wife he will not go to dinner or for drinks when he’s on business trips if the crowd is mostly women because it’s too much temptation.
Another guy friend has a similar rule. In the work plac,e he won’t ever go to lunch with women and they basically have the mindset that every day is a battle or there’s always an opportunity to cheat so they won’t put themselves in those situations, even ones that seem harmless for most people.
Like the relationship statuses of so many people on Facebook, the answer to this question is, “it’s complicated.” Since this is the Internet, I must open with an obligatory statement of fact: “cheating is wrong,” and yet people cheat every day. Even conservative estimates suggest at least 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women will cheat during the course of their marriage. While this still means that between 80 to 85 percent of married people are faithful, why is it so difficult for men like the ones described above not to cheat?
Well, when it comes to cheating, there are three types of men…
1. The Faithful Man – As the name suggest, the Faithful Man resists all temptations to cheat. This type of man has rarely, if ever, cheated on any girl. Remaining faithful is a natural part of his character. He may be morally sound, stubborn, or simply a man of his word; but whatever his justification, this man finds it easier to remain faithful than to cheat. This is not to suggest he is is perfect. In fact, he might entertain the idea of stepping outside of his relationship like most normal people; however, he never lets these mental lapses or weaknesses of character manifest themselves in reality. For him, honoring the commitment of his relationship is what’s most important.
2. The Selective Cheater – The Selective Cheater is faithful, for the most part. His past is usually checkered with opportunities to cheat – some of which he chose to entertain, others he passed up. There is usually no rhyme or reason for why the Selective Cheater strays, but it’s usually coupled with the fact that he can get away with it and other women likely provide something the current woman in his life doesn’t – whether it’s love, sex, companionship or some other arbitrary void his current love interest isn’t completely satisfying. The Selective Cheater is generally passive in his cheating habit, usually preferring to choose whether to cheat as the various opportunities naturally arise rather than aggressively pursuing other women outside of his relationship. Because cheating doesn’t define him or his happiness, there are usually long stretches where he’s completely faithful.
3. The Compulsive Cheater – Unlike the Selective Cheater, the Compulsive Cheater often feels like he can’t control himself. As such, he is usually careless in his actions and cheats with a large number of women regardless of the impact it might have on his current relationship. It’s not that he doesn’t care about the woman (or women) in his life – although it’s possible he does not – but he is more likely drawn to cheating as most others are drawn to any number of destructive habits. In his case, cheating is like a drug. The highs, lows, peaks, and valleys of cheating, sneaking around, and getting caught or almost getting caught sustain him. He can break his addiction, usually temporarily, but it isn’t easy. In order to change, he has to want to do so himself; otherwise, as with most addictions, he frequently relapses.
Taking a guess, it seems like the men mentioned in the reader’s question are types 2 or 3. It’s also possible they’re both type 1 now, but they have been or can relate to the lifestyle of the other types from when they were younger. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, seeing as how both men recognize their character flaws and have taken proactive steps to avoid temptation on behalf of themselves and their relationship. Avoiding temptation is not the same as admitting defeat. For example, if you’re a former chain smoker, avoiding smokers isn’t an admittance of failure; it’s simply a recognition that it’s easier to resist temptation when it’s not right in front of your face. I see nothing wrong with these men, or any man, avoiding situations that make them uncomfortable. As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.”
I’d be remiss not to end this post without pointing out that some women are just as drawn to men in relationships as some men in relationships are drawn to cheating. This isn’t to say men can’t be faithful when confronted by women who knowingly or unknowingly tempt them; but why test your resolve when you can avoid the situation completely, especially if you know you’ve fallen victim to similar invitations before? I’m sure most men would prefer their wife be upset with them for avoiding the temptation of other women rather than welcoming it and failing to draw the line before it’s too late. At the end of the day, better safe than sorry.
Is it really difficult for men not to cheat? Is it any easier for women to remain faithful? Is there anything uniquely different between what men and women face when trying not to cheat?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
Why? Because we’re told we’re not “allowed” to get mad or be suspicious yet: he’s not our boyfriend yet. This has led many women to believe that behavior pre-relationship is not indicative of what a man’s behavior will be post-commitment – as if he just transforms into a new man once he takes on the title of “boyfriend.” Yeah right. Here are early signs a guy will cheat, way before he even has the chance. And yes, you should look for them.
I am a firm believer in that saying by Maya Angelou that says “When people show you who they are believe them the first time.” This philosophy should be applied to all aspects of life; however, this should be a golden rule for women who are in the dating game. Over and over we hear women drone ” He wasn’t always like this,” or ”He just changed on me one day out of nowhere.” No, boo, he didn’t change. He was always this way, he’s just finally showing you who he really is. As women when we first meet a man, out of eagerness, naivete and sometimes low-key desperation, we overlook major flaws and red flags just for the sake of being coupled up. Unfortunately, we usually wind up paying later with broken hearts and hurt feelings. Check out some of these red flags that should never be ignored.
Have you noticed that this new guy is severely inconsistent with just about everything in his life? Does he frequently speak of switching jobs, changing banks, and moving after short periods of time? This is what we call fickle. While there is nothing wrong with appreciating variety, this type of inconsistency can also come off very unstable. When a man can’t commit to anything in his life for an extended period of time it is a sign of deeper issues. If nothing in his life stays around for long, chances are, you won’t either.
Some women have dreamed of being married since the age of baby dolls and pigtails, so once they begin dating, every guy becomes a potential Prince Charming. As romantic as the notion of marriage may be, most people don’t stop to think if they are actually “marriage material.” Many think that simply because you fall in love and date for a year or two, marriage is the natural next step – but it’s not for everyone. If you DO decide that marriage is in your future, make sure you’re honest with yourself about what you bring to the table. After all, you can’t attract a man who possesses the traits of a good husband if you don’t display those traits yourself (and of course the same applies to men). If you’re unsure, these signs may indicate that you may not make a good wife – and have some work to do on yourself before you walk the aisle.
I have to be honest and start with this: I don’t believe cheaters should be taken back. If you’re not happy with someone, break up with them or talk to them about it. If you just can’t keep it in your pants, don’t be in a relationship. There is no such thing as an “excuse” to cheat. But, love is strong. It’s a hard force to fight and sometimes everything was so good in the relationship, until that one indiscrepancy, that it breaks your heart to end something, even if you’ve been cheated on. But your heart will be broken a hundred times more if you are cheated on again, or if you spend every day feeling like a fool simply for taking him back. So, if you must take back a cheater, put him through the wringer, like this:
You may think you’ve just “figured things out.” That the world of love is a rough place and you’ve developed your armor. You may think you’re “smart” or “strong” for expecting certain bad behaviors from men. Sometimes, you could be right. But sometimes, you may just have been jaded by your experiences, and need to learn to leave your baggage at the door a bit more.
Every day, women are plagued with thoughts of uncertainty with regard to their partner’s fidelity. Even the most secure women have times of vulnerability. We’re taught to trust our instincts but that lesson is challenged by forced logic, as we control our natural impulses in an effort to save face. No one wants to deal with being cheated on, but if the signs are there, maybe it’s time we wake up and smell the coffee. Don’t ignore these small but pretty clear signs.
You are going to feel like a fool many, many times in your life when it comes to love. You’re going to lose sleep trying to decode the guy whose been dragging you along—who loved you one day and ignored you the next. Every guy will seem unique to you but, it’s actually easier if you know this: They’re all the same. Or rather, the men that break your heart will seem like the same and most likely fall into one of the following categories.
It sounds like such a harmless, even charming term: a hopeless romantic. But, ruminating all day on love, on a man, on images of a relationship can be destructive and, unfortunately, humiliating. And that’s what you’ll be if you over prioritize men and love.
You know when it happens. You get that feeling in your gut that says, “There’s no going back from this” but then, out of fear, you do go back. But there is no denying it after reading this list. You might want to rethink your relationship status if any of this happens:
Why do people go on “a break”? Because something really tough comes up in life and the couple decides they should separate until the storm blows over. Guess what? LIFE is full of storms. If your relationship gets instantly shaken by little surprises, chances are, it just won’t last. Not after a break. Not ever. Besides, who knows how people are truly acting and what they’re really up to when they go on break mode. This could possibly just be an excuse to have your cake and eat it too.