Source: Bossip.com

A lot of my friends thought I was kidding — or crazy –when they heard that my fiancé and I were not having sex until we got married.

It was a decision we had made separately before we even started dating. The response I got from people who knew of our decision confirmed my suspicion that sex is no longer widely viewed as an option in dating relationships, but a requirement and is actually considered by most as a prerequisite to marriage. This is why celebrity couples like Meagan Good and Devon Franklin made headlines when they announced they were engaged and celibate. We already knew that Meagan had committed to abstain until marriage, but for some odd reason that commitment was expected to be disregarded when in a serious relationship. We believe that celibate women can’t possibly get engaged and when they are, it’s shocking.

In fact, for some odd reason, many believe that celibate women — especially the Christian ones — are sitting in convents, wrapped in nun outfits, proudly announcing they’re married to Jesus.

I first noticed this in my own life when people would ask me if my fiance and I kiss. They figured if we weren’t fornicating then we weren’t kissing either. Granted, there are some people who do wait until their wedding day to have their first kiss and five million people watch them eat each other’s faces. These couples fit squarely into the fallacious stereotype that people who wait until marriage to have sex are young, naive, and childlike.

We’re comfortable with those stereotypes because we’ve been brainwashed to believe that having indiscriminate sex is normal and adults who are celibate are not normal.

Personally, I was faced with my own erroneous beliefs when I learned that my then-boyfriend (now husband) was a virgin. Though I met him at church, I was still thoroughly shocked. I was celibate, but I didn’t think I knew any men who were real-life virgins. “But…you’re handsome, you have a great personality, you’re educated, you have a solid career, you have your own house, you’re over 30…” my list of reasons why he couldn’t possibly be a virgin went on and on. Unbeknownst to me, I had internalized the propaganda that no man hits 25 without dropping trou unless he looks and acts like Steve Carell in “40-Year-Old Virgin”.

Sadly, many people in the nation share this flawed thinking. We are taught that abstaining from sex means abstaining from living. Celibate people — especially virgins — are expected to be prude, unattractive, homely, recluses who are probably asexual. When celebrities like Tim Tebow and Lolo Jones come along with their “I’m a virgin” confession thus publicly catapulting all negative stereotypes into oblivion, the press doesn’t know how to react.

Do you remember when Tim Tebow was chosen by Jockey for an endorsement contract and he was dubbed “the unlikeliest underwear model ever”? Though, many athletes endorse undergarments, apparently, the fact that this athlete wasn’t tossing off his briefs in the presence of groupies made him an odd choice.

In a borderline bitter and excessively harsh piece on Lolo in the New York Times published recently, author Jere Longman said:

Jones has decided she will be whatever anyone wants her to be — vixen, virgin, victim — to draw attention to herself and the many products she endorses.

In 2009, Jones posed nude for ESPN the Magazine. This year, she appeared on the cover of Outside magazine seeming to wear a bathing suit made of nothing but strategically placed ribbon. At the same time, she has proclaimed herself to be a 30-year-old virgin and a Christian.

In that last line, you can practically see the sarcasm dripping off the page as though virginity means anything other than “never had sex”. As far as her Christianity, that’s for another article, but I will say that most of the beef with Lolo on the “virgin and Christian” front isn’t coming from Christians or virgins. The loudest criticism is from those who wish to portray Christians and virgins in a particular fashion and are outright pissed that Lolo Jones isn’t the embarrassing caricature often portrayed on television and instead is actually a normal athlete who happens to refrain from sex. Furthermore, just because she is a virgin doesn’t mean she isn’t a vixen. The term simply means “sexually attractive” and, like we try to explain to rapists, finding a woman Hot doesn’t mean she owes you sex.

It’s not just Lolo Jones either who is criticized for not fitting some arbitrary definition. When Meagan Good announced she was celibate, the tongue-wagging reached epic proportion. One publication asked:

“How exactly do you balance that with being a self-proclaimed party animal and being slizzed on the club scene in [skimpy] outfits all the time?”

Balance what? Not having sex with still having typical Hollywood rich-chicks fun? What activity automatically means sex…except sex? Partying doesn’t. Modeling for an underwear company doesn’t. Even posing nude in ESPN’s famous “Body Issue” doesn’t. Just because someone does these things yet refrains from sex doesn’t make him or her a fraud. It just make the naysayers look like imbeciles.

In my opinion, the instances when someone’s sex life or chastity makes news simply serves to expose the ridiculous and sad ideas that prevail in this nation. When Jada Pinkett and Will Smith talk about enjoying sex with each other, that makes headlines (and draws ire) because we believe that marriage is the end of sex. And when someone who isn’t married isn’t having sex, that makes news (and also draws criticism) because apparently we’re all animals running around foaming at the mouth for our next hump. It’s so backward and bizarre.

Celibacy is not a way of dress or a way of speaking or a description reserved for a man or woman that nobody wants to sleep with. Being celibate simply means abstaining from sex — and there’s absolutely nothing abnormal about that.

Do you think people have preconceived notions about what celibacy looks like?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink

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essence.com

“Oh, you go to church? You know what they say about church girls…” is a phrase that I’ve come to despise over the years. Church girls have unfairly been given (and have sometimes earned) some of the worst reputations around town. “Hypocrite” “Holy Hoes” and “Frauds” are only the tip of the iceberg. What many fail to realize about church girls is just because many of us were born into the church does not mean that we were born saints. And just because we’ve been around long enough to learn how to quote scriptures or shout on cue does not mean we’re perfect. For many of us, church has become a way of life, almost like a part of our culture, something that we “do” as opposed to something that we are. From birth church wasn’t actually a choice for us, it was a rule. We had no choice, if our parents were churchgoers by default we were as well. That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with this. I personally believe that children should be raised in church. However, I also believe that if you are doing something out of obligation, chances are your heart probably won’t be in it, which is why you have some girls who seem to suffer from bi polar disorder, they profess salvation on Sunday and profess everything else Monday through Saturday. I remember being one of those girls.

I was raised in church. I was taught right from wrong. I was told which lifestyles were pleasing to God and which were not. It was easy to do the right thing when I didn’t have much freedom. The challenge came around the time I was given more leeway from my parents. You know, when I was allowed to have a boyfriend, given my own car, started college and all of that good stuff. It was the time when I didn’t have my parents over my shoulder telling me right from wrong. I had always vowed to remain a virgin until marriage but as my new found freedom came rolling around, my virginity became a thing of the past. Yes, I was taught that sex was designed for procreation and enjoyment between married couples , but when it all came down to it, I had made a decision to do what I wanted to do. I remember when my mother came to me to tell me about these new abstinence classes that my church began implementing for teens and young adults. Outwardly I smiled, inwardly scowled at the thought of taking abstinence classes. Ironically, I prayed she didn’t try to make me sit through those classes. I was far gone. There I was sitting on the second pew of my church on Sunday’s and doing me the rest of the week, fitting into the typical church  girl stereotype.

I remember when it hit me that I had made a terrible mistake. It didn’t happen as I was sitting in front of a preacher speaking damnation over my soul because I’d sinned against God. It didn’t happen at some revival or shut in. I was actually alone, driving to class. It was personal. I was genuinely sorry and not merely because someone told me that I should be. It was in that moment that I began to see God for who he truly was. I vowed that although I had made the mistake of giving someone my virginity who wasn’t my husband, I would remain abstinent until I was married. It wasn’t easy, it probably took me about six months from the time that I made this proclamation to actually begin living it, but it was possible. It took a conscious decision from me, myself, not anyone else. I remember when abstinence classes rolled around again. I had been abstinent for one whole year by then. No one had to even have to mention the classes to me. I was the first one signed up. When the classes came to an end and I was presented with my abstinence ring, it actually meant something to me and again, it was personal. On the ring was engraved “I’ll Wait.” Every time I glance down at it I am not only reminded of my commitment to God and my future husband, but also of God’s unchanging love. It wasn’t just something that I did because I had to do it. It was a conscious decision that I made, which made the ring mean so much more.

Church girls are just like anyone else looking to find their way. Yeah, we may have been raised around biblical teaching, but accepting Jesus and submitting to a life which would be found pleasing unto him has to be a personal decision, just as someone who was never raised around these teachings. There are some of us who get it ingrained in us very early and then there are some of us who may need to go out and experience “life” before we come back with genuinely repenting hearts. This is not to justify the lives of those that live like hell during the week and can preach the kingdom down on Sunday, just to tell the story from the point-of-view of a group of women who are often misunderstood.  Christian doesn’t mean perfect, it just means that we are striving to be more like Christ.

Jazmine Denise is a New York City based Lifestyle & Relationship writer. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

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lipstickalley.com

Were you inspired by Meagan Good and fiancé Devon Franklin’s “saving ‘it’ til marriage” announcement?

Devon sure hopes so!

The duo attended T.D Jakes’ star-studded 35th Anniversary Gala in Dallas over the weekend and talked to Sister 2 Sister about their celibacy decision.

Devon said: We want our marriage to be one of truth, one of love, and hopefully model God’s love. In reality we’re not perfect. But we are striving to live a life of Christ. We are striving to be an example of what his life looks like on this earth, and hopefully through our union people will be inspired, people will see themselves in us.

Meagan said: The relationship is completely different. When you know somebody and you know their heart, it’s not even a question about the physical part of it that comes into play completely later on. You really just get a chance to understand what you’re getting. You don’t just want to be with this person on Friday night, but Saturday afternoon too. That’s just icing on the cake.

Last week, Devon sat down with Oprah Winfrey to talk about his new book: Produced by Faith: Enjoy Real Success without Losing Your True Self. That interview will be aired on OWN’s new show “Super Soul Sunday”.

No snippets have been released yet, but Oprah did have this to say on her Facebook page:

I met a young man a couple of months ago who’s faith was so strong and Light was so bright, that after less than 7 minutes with him I said we need to do a show together. An unlikely candidate to be a spiritual thought leader, (he’s a Hollywood executive) I was so moved by his passion and commitment to faith while functioning in the lion’s den of entertainment I could hardly wait to do a Super Soul Sunday and share his insights, clarity and wisdom with you. He’s in the business of developing movies and talent, but as you will see, is a bonafied dynamo himself… a different kind of spiritual teacher for our times.

Preview: DeVon Franklin on “Super Soul Sunday”

In an all-new “Super Soul Sunday,” DeVon Franklin—a Hollywood executive who does double duty as a preacher—shares his advice on achieving success without losing yourself. The Produced by Faith author talks with Oprah about how he balances his Hollywood life with his faith.

Of course Meagan and Devon aren’t the first couple to wait until marriage to disrobe, but they certainly seem to be the most popular!

What do you think about the attention their decision is getting? Are you inspired by this couple?

Alissa Henry is a freelance writer living in Columbus, OH. Follow her on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog: This Cannot Be My Life

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Source: People.com

There are many religious, moral or personal reasons why a person would choose to abstain from sex for a certain period. Whether that period lasts for a night, a year, until marriage, a lifetime or somewhere in between depends upon the person. 

Think Like a Man actress Meagan Good is only the latest in a string of celebrities who have claimed they were celibate at one time or another.

Are these celebrities on to something? Have they discovered that even in a nation (and industry) notoriously obsessed with sex, that the best Kama Sutra position may be “legs closed”? Did they realize that the most intimate relationship of all can be had without this most intimate act? Is celibate the new sex?

I’m not certain, but one thing is for sure: There are definitely some surprises on this list!

Source: ericrobersonmusic.com

How important is sex to a man? Would he be willing to forgo sex in a relationship? A few years ago I decided to take a hiatus from dating to regain focus of my life as a single woman. I didn’t want to engage in any type of relationship with the opposite sex because I needed time to learn how to balance everything that was going on in my life.  With this hiatus, I realized that I subconsciously and consciously made the decision to practice celibacy. I say I made this decision subconsciously and consciously because during this time, subconsciously, I did want to have sex, but I didn’t want to deal with the emotional and possible physical consequences that come along with it, and I didn’t want to have another meaningless sexual experience. Consciously, I had plenty of options and chances to indulge in sexual intercourse, but I didn’t, and that’s when I realized I was going to try and be celibate. After this realization, I decided to do some soul searching to really understand why I was celibate, and to decide whether or not I would stand firm on this decision.

During my soul searching, I reflected back on each of my relationships, and I discovered that I was sexually intimate with the men I was involved with before I had a chance to be intimate with them. I didn’t take the necessary time to learn who they were and develop a close and personal connection with them for the people they were before I developed a connection with them sexually simply because I was physically attracted to them. I also realized that I went into each relationship with my feelings and not my faith, which in turn led me to be misguided. After this discovery, I made the decision to forgo any sexually intimate interaction, and remain celibate until I am married. The beginning of this journey wasn’t difficult because I was on a hiatus from dating. It almost seemed easy and unreal, but when I decided to go back into dating, things got real. I met a wonderful man that I seemed to have everything in common with. We liked the same foods, we communicated well with each other, we share the same favorite color, and on and on. Most importantly, we both wanted to start our new relationship as friends.

I recall one evening when I was on the phone with my new male ‘friend’. We were engaged in a great conversation when the subject of celibacy came up. I shared with him that I have the honor of teaching a class on celibacy very soon, and I told him that I was nervous about it. He then told me that I would do fine, and as he started another sentence he abruptly stopped and asked if I was celibate. I replied with a nervous, yet firm yes. He immediately replied “Oh, oh no, I can’t do that…yeah, we are definitely going to be just good friends.” I said okay, no problem, and started to move forward with the conversation. While moving on to a different topic, I noticed the tone in our conversation went from upbeat and funny to slow and drab. Where there were no awkward moments of silence in our conversations before, there were now more than enough to make up for it in this one. I could tell my friend was uneasy about what I told him, but what did it matter? We were just friends anyway, right? So my decision to be celibate would not affect him in any way, right? Wrong.

I believe my friend thought we were going to develop a great friendship that would lead into an even greater monogamous relationship; and with a relationship comes sexual intimacy. Or maybe he thought we were going to be friends with sexual benefits, and with news of me practicing celibacy his thoughts were shattered. As much as I tried to move forward with the conversation it was difficult, because I knew my friends thoughts of me and our relationship had changed. After our phone call ended, my decision to be celibate and the effects of that decision stayed on my mind. Yes, things got really real.

After hearing and comprehending his reaction, I was slightly disturbed, and a little disappointed because subconsciously I thought we were going to develop a great friendship that would lead into an even greater monogamous relationship without having sex. But clearly I was wrong. And even though I was flabbergasted with his reaction, not once did I doubt the decision I made because I’ve learned to stand firm on the standards I’ve set in regard to my body and relationships even if it hurts.

I’ve also learned that I can’t expect someone to change their expectations to meet my standards, and not to change my standards (my non-negotiable standards) to meet someone’s expectations; they are who they are, and I am who I am. Although it is still slightly difficult for me to grasp the fact that my friend and I will only be friends, I respect his honesty, I look forward to our growing friendship, and I am looking forward to learning and growing on this journey through celibacy and dating.

Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Have you tried to be celibate? How did that affect your dating life?

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Source: Life&Style.com

In “Think Like a Man,” Meagan Good’s character had a 90-day rule before she would sleep with her man, but in real life, Meagan’s trial period is much longer. In fact, adhering to her celibacy plan is how she said she knew her soon-to-be husband was the one.

“Because he was willing to be celibate with me for a year,” she told Life & Style in an interview. “He loves God, more than I love God, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong [with it].

“Our wedding night will be the first time we’re actually together.”

This shouldn’t come as a total and complete surprise. Meagan did say she would be celibate until marriage, but sometimes that doesn’t always last. Plus she’s always playing a seductive character on screen which sometimes makes it hard to separate her real life persona from the one on camera. The fact that her fiancé is a preacher/movie producer should have made it easier for the both of them though.

Meagan says the wedding planning is already underway, and though she didn’t say if they’ve already set a date, she did share other details.

“We found the venue, which I’m really excited about, and it’s going to be in Malibu,” said Meagan, who met her fiancé while making “Jumping the Broom” in 2011. “I know I want to go for a bayou-themed kind of Spanish mosque, a very enchanted-y Twilight feel.”

More power to these two and their self control.

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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By Courtney Edwards

As a Black man, embarking on the relatively difficult task of finding a soulmate, I am consistently asking myself this one question: How soon, after meeting someone, should I become sexually involved with her? Three months? Six months? After just a few dates? There is really no easy answer to this question.

The general consensus seems to be that one should see how things are going with that person before they decide when – or whether – they should become sexually involved. Do you feel a connection with the person? Is there strong chemistry between the two of you? Are you becoming acquainted with the person relatively quickly? These are all determining factors. But, shouldn’t we be looking for these factors regardless? If the goal is to truly find a soulmate, then what’s the rush? Right?

As I reflect on my past dating experiences, I can say with relative certainty that I wasn’t always looking for these factors in the utmost earnestness. At some point, the lines had become distorted and I wasn’t sure if I was getting to know a woman because I genuinely liked her and wanted to get to know her or because I wanted to find myself encapsulated within her nether region.

And after the deed was done, my ability to discern whether I really liked her because I felt this strong personal connection and affinity, was greatly compromised. Was I just looking through the scope of rose-colored lenses? Were my feelings the result of some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy? A ploy orchestrated by the most primitive and compulsive part of my consciousness – the Id as characterized by Sigmund Freud – to satisfy the most innate desires for sexual gratification, convincing my mind that the woman I saw before me had all of the characteristics that I was looking for?

This is why I had to institute some sort of policy for myself dictating how soon after meeting a member of the opposite sex that I would consider becoming sexually involved with them. I just had to make sure that I was sexually involved with the person because I liked them and not simply liking the person because I was sexually involved. Again, if the goal is finding a person to be with for the unforeseeable future, then what’s the hurry? Right?

Studies show that the longer couples wait until having sex the more positive the outcome of their relationships. Couples that waited longer experienced better quality of communication, greater relationship stability and satisfaction, and an increase in the overall quality of sex, according to researchers at Brigham Young University. Alternately, couples that had sex prior to a month experienced the most negative relationship outcomes.

Furthermore, waiting to become sexually involved with someone may not only contribute to a longer, more fulfilling relationship, but it could potentially keep you healthier in the end. Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, are a real risk. In the United States, the estimated lifetime risk of contracting HIV is 1 in 16 for Black males and 1 in 30 for Black females. Compare that to the 1 in 104 risk for White males and the 1 in 588 risk for White females. Unfortunately, the risks within the Black community are substantially higher.

Ultimately, I have decided to implement a three-month abstinence policy – famously or infamously known as “the 90-day rule.” I will not become sexually involved with a member of the opposite sex until after at least three months of dating. This means going on multiple dates, communicating on the phone and by text message fairly consistently, and spending time at each other’s homes without any sexual activity being initiated.

I just feel as if three months is enough time for two individuals to learn about one another and make an informed decision as to whether becoming intimate would be the best for both individuals. Now, I’m not saying that a relationship will fail miserably if a couple has sex after the first date or within the first month of dating because there are many examples that say contrary. What I am saying is that it wouldn’t hurt to wait, though? If the person truly likes you, they will be willing to wait.

I have decided to wait at least three months before engaging in sexual activity with someone whom I’m interested. You have to determine what’s right for you. Where do you draw the line? What kind of relationship do you want to have?

Remember, it’s your body, your choice.

Courtney Edwards writes about love, relationships, and his many adventures while dating in New York City. Check out his blog The Court of New York or follow him on Twitter @TheCourtSpeaks.

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For most people, sex is a major part of a romantic relationship. So when you remove that component things can get a little tricky.  We took to the streets of New York to see what the people had to say. Check out their responses and then feel free to answer this question for yourself in the comments’ section below.

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Man, Meagan Good is just having all the success these days, right? First, we heard that she was pegged to star as the lead in a new NBC drama called, “Notorious.” Now homegirl is allegedly about to walk down the aisle. TMZ reports that the actress is engaged to a man named DeVon Franklin. This lucky guy is actually an exec at Sony Pictures Entertainment, and also likes to spend time as a Seventh-day Adventist preacher. Interesting, right? They started dating after she filmed Jumping the Broom, which Franklin helped produce. But don’t get it twisted, Meagan’s people say they’ve known each other for years.

We’re really excited for Meagan. It seems that taking a break from sex (a few months ago she told the world she was celibate), changing up the kinds of guys she gets involved with, and of course, talking to the man upstairs has worked out amazingly. This is what she said last fall:

“…the next guy I meet is my husband, and I already talked to God about that. I was like, ‘Check this out, Lord, I know what you want for me.’ And He really wants a man that has completely sold out for Christ for me, who can help me improve and be better than I am. So I know exactly what He wants for me and I don’t know if I have already found it. It’s quite possible that I may have, but I am so not in a rush for anything. I am in a rush to focus on Him right now.”

And it seems he heard her loud and clear. Congrats to the couple and big hugs for all the crushed men out there who have been drooling over this chick for years. Did you really think you had a chance though? But anyway, cheers for love!

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Centrictv.com

We’ve all been there. One minute we’re beating a man (or men) off with a stick, the next – we’re dried up like the Sahara. Sexual droughts happen, and while a little bout of celibacy never hurt anyone, a dry spell can leave us scratching like Pookie in New Jack City. Some say that a dry spell is a good time to get in touch with ourselves, reflect on past relationships, delve deeper into our spirituality or simply make more “me time.”  After all, sex isn’t “everything.” But what do you do when hormones are raging and there’s no man in sight?

Try indulging in some of these activities to help take the edge off…

Read the rest of this entry »