All Articles Tagged "casual dating"

How To Listen To What He’s Not Saying

August 9th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Source: Shutterstock

From Single Black Male 

I come today speaking on a common issue that men deal with: the women whom men want to “know their place.” These are the women who don’t want to play that part or don’t know that a guy placed them in that role.  I know this is a touchy and brash sort of topic. I’m very much ready to explain all that I am about to say. In the non Platonic world, men have two types of women in mind: women they don’t mind dating  and women who they only want to have sex with. The truth is that in the latter case that’s all they want to be to that woman. Like many dating/sexual scenarios, it’s just never that simple. There are always confounding variables that can make things a little more confusing. Deception runs rampant between men and women. We try to be as verbally pleasing as possible, cushioning each other’s emotions for our own peace of mind. I don’t necessarily think this is the right way to go but many of us have been guilty of it.

It pays to be clear on the kind of relationship you have with someone. The main reason why guys get upset with women who end up wanting more than what they want is because that woman isn’t fully aware of his intentions. I had a friend in college who was aware of a girl I was dealing with.  He knew that to me it really wasn’t anything serious. Here and there this girl wanted to really kick it on campus and I just wasn’t with it. I didn’t want to give off the vibe that I was interested in more than what we were already doing. I wasn’t mean about it. That’s just not what I wanted to do.

I’m not in the business of leading women on. I never have been and I never will be.  He affectionately named this girl “stay here” insinuating that all I needed her to do was simply stay where she was and only come around when called upon. Now this was hilarious to me but in reality it’s pretty cold right? As harsh as it sounded, his nickname illustrated my feelings completely. It became clear to me that maybe I wasn’t clear on what this arrangement was.

Read more at SingleBlackMale.org 

7 Steps To Turn Your Summer Boo Into A Boyfriend

July 31st, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Source: Shutterstock

 

 

From YourTango 

Summertime and the flirting is easy. With long days and sultry nights, even adults can’t resist that carefree “school’s out” feeling. In Susan Andersen’s “Some Like It Hot, the second book in her Razor Bay series, summer brings new girl Harper Summerville to the idyllic town of Razor Bay, Washington for a seasonal job. But work quickly becomes pleasure when Harper meets Max Bradshaw, the town’s Hot deputy sheriff. Over a very steamy and suspenseful 330 pages, the two can’t deny their growing attraction … even as summer’s quickly ending. Could Harper’s summer fling be “The One”? Read on for 7 ways to turn your summer crush into a long-term relationship. Plus, author Susan Andersen is giving away signed copies of “Some Like It Hot” (just released today!) to 10 YT readers. To enter, answer in the comments below: Have you ever had a summer fling?

1) Start out casual.

Harper and Max are physically attracted to each other from the moment they meet. But neither is looking for love. Instead, they take their time getting to know each other in casual group settings. At times, the slow pace feels frustrating and sexually tense—even for readers—but this only makes them more certain of their attraction. Both Harper and Max see that the object of their affection is more than a pretty face and a hot body. (Not that anyone’s complaining about that!)

2) Go on meaningful “dates.”

Instead of asking Harper out on a typical date, Max invites her to volunteer at Cedar Village, a group home for troubled boys, where he serves on the board of directors. The experience shows both of them new sides of each other. Harper sees how great Max is with kids, which is always a turn-on for a woman who wants a family of her own someday. Max watches how welcome Harper makes everyone feel, even though the environment is outside her comfort zone. The “date” isn’t candlelit or intimate, but it makes them even more attracted to each other.

3) Open up.

Harper and Max first learn about each other through hearsay and some casual observation. Sharing a common experience makes it easier for them to open up about more personal matters, including their pasts. Neither is ready to make a move just yet … and that makes things even more promising. “When you’re looking for love, your focus should be on finding your best friend,” says YourTango Expert Marla Martenson, a matchmaker and author of Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting. “If you’re only after sexual chemistry, you’ll be missing that essential friendship. Physical attraction can burn out, if it’s all you have.”

4) Take your crush off the pedestal.

Initially, Harper and Max don’t think they have much in common. Harper assumes that Max is aloof, because he’s not interested in her. Max assumes that a “silver spoon girl” like Harper is out of his league. Both are wrong, but it takes them time to realize that. Author Susan Andersen considers it the biggest obstacle the characters have to overcome. “Relationships on an unequal footing are much less likely to be successful,” she says. “Max especially has to realize what he can bring to the relationship.” As Max grows more comfortable, he’s warmer and less guarded. Harper reciprocates. Before long, the two decide to…

5) Go for it … but not too fast!

It’s a s*xy summer romance novel, after all. When anyone has this much fun together—and feels this much sexual tension—it’s time to take things further. After a few glasses of wine one night, Harper takes matters into her own hands. She walks to Max’s house, despite the voices in her head that remind her that she’s only staying in Razor Bay until summer ends. “When you get to know someone and you still feel really strongly about them, you’ve got to dive into love the way you would a lake,” says YourTango Expert Marla Martenson. “It’s a risk worth taking.” Harper and Max finally kiss, but Max insists they delay gratification a bit more. When they finally sleep together, the encounter doesn’t disappoint.

Read more at YourTango.com 

Jumping Back in the Sack? The Pros and Cons Of Rebound Hook Ups

April 21st, 2013 - By Brooke Dean
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Normally I’d advise my girlfriends to be careful about jumping in to a new relationship right after a breakup. Rebound relationships rarely last because you’re normally vulnerable and raw, and hooking up with someone right after heartbreak can be a destructive way of dealing with the pain. In the end, there will likely be more hurt and confusion.

But for some, while getting into a rebound relationship may not be the smartest move post break-up, rebound sex is something completely different. Taking time to heal after a breakup makes sense, but does that mean that you should abstain from sex while you’re still processing what just happened with the last serious relationship? My cautious self says stay away from having casual sex until you’re completely ready to love again, but my realistic self says that people have needs and rebound sex may be just the thing to push you over the edge and move on.

Not sure if rebound sex is a good move? Consider these pros and cons before jumping back in the sack.

The Rules — And Realities — Of Keeping It ‘Casual’

April 10th, 2013 - By Julia Austin
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Carrying on a casual fling can be great for your self-esteem, your mental wellbeing, and even your physical health (sex is good for you!). But if you’re not prepared for the rules and realities of it, you might embarrass yourself, or break your own heart (when that’s exactly what’s not supposed to happen). Let us walk you through the particulars.

Get It How You Live: Are We Too Quick To Judge Other Women For Dating As Many Men As They Can And Please?

March 6th, 2013 - By Clarke Gail Baines
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While going around the Internet being nosy for news, I couldn’t help but notice that Taylor Swift of all people has found herself, or better yet, put herself, in the middle of what some might call a beef with funny ladies Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. If you remember, Fey and Poehler killed as hosts of the Golden Globes in January, and during the show, Fey made a joke at the expense of Swift by saying that the superstar country/pop singer needed to keep her paws away from Michael J. Fox’s son. The joke came soon after Swift’s split with a singer named Harry Styles from the Brit band One Direction, another quick boo-ship gone bad, and though we didn’t get to see her physical reaction via the camera at the Globes, we now know that Swift didn’t take too kindly to the light joke.

In an interview recently with Vanity Fair, Swift was asked about her thoughts on the incident and on the idea of “mean girls,” and she responded by saying the following:

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.'”

Wow. Swift also went on to say that she’s saddened by people who criticize her for writing about her feelings on past relationships and expressing herself through her music, saying labeling her all these different negative things for doing so comes off somewhat sexist:
“For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated — a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way — that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

I’m not going to front, I’ve been one of those people who has looked at Swift arm and arm with dudes like Jake Gyllenhaal, writing about John Mayer, hand and hand with Harry Styles and openly expressing her pain about a list of other teenybopper dudes in her music and thought, “GIRL THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! If you don’t sit down somewhere and give yourself some time before moving on to the next one…!” And that might have something to do with the fact that she’s in the public eye so whomever she dates we end up seeing one way or the other and talking about. And while I think she overreacted with her response for Fey and Poehler with the whole “special place in hell” thing, I slowly started to wonder if people like me and others should be judging her, and other women, for doing what many young women do. Date. A lot.
To be completely honest, who really knows what Swift does with these young men, but the singer, the guy and God? Who knows, they could take her out, wine and dine her, and she could easily grow tired of them and/or their behavior and be ready to see what else is out there. Is that really a crime? Just a week or two ago, one of our writers was encouraging us as women to stop dating so seriously, looking for marriage and commitment after the first date and instead enjoy good conversation and a good time. If it can grow into something bigger, then that’s good. If not, it was an experience you had, maybe a friend you made. Yet and still, not knowing what goes on behind the scenes of Swift’s dating experiences, I’ve seen black people, white people–many people call her a h*e for dating so many men.
I noticed this “She-needs-to-sit-down-and-stop-being-a-h*e” mentality was normal when other Hollywood starlets’ names would come up. Blake Lively, who is now married to my white boy crush Ryan Reynolds, but was once courted by even finer dudes like Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio gets trashed by some of my coworkers on a daily basis  for her dating past. And while I’m no fan of Kim Kardashian or her family, I never understood why she received the “h*e” tag for dating men that wanted to date her–and I’m talking before Kanye. Annoying chick? Yes. H*e? I don’t really see it. Even Zoe Kravitz has been unfairly labeled from time to time for her dating habits.
Some people have the ability to be very chill when it comes to the whole dating thing, and at the same time, very aware of what it is they will and won’t put up with from guys from jump. So while many of us will date, find out that the guy really isn’t a fit for us, and be by ourselves for a while, others move on without feeling too sad about what did and didn’t work, meet someone else they’re interested in and enjoy their company for however long that lasts. Unless they tell you flat out that they’re sleeping with such people, it’s not really fair to assume that that is what comes with having fun while dating. And if they are sleeping with these men…what business is that of ours?
While I’m not a fan of Swift’s music (or her “I love to pretend I’m so shocked by everything” personality), nor of her shade towards two of my favorite female comedians, I can see why she would be frustrated with people coming at her head for dating who she wants, when she wants, how she wants. In fact, she told Vanity Fair she’s only had TWO real relationships, so dating has indeed been what she’s been doing. So to have everyone from teenagers to grown a** women calling her out her name or nitpicking her and her temporary new beaus for what we assume is happening, that must suck. She has no kids she’s exposing men to, no big baggage. So why not? But what I can’t jive with is the fact that she uses every relationship to blast somebody in song form, only giving her innocent side of the story. That doesn’t make her a clingy, insane, desperate woman in my eyes…just a little bogus. But what I think we can take away from people like her and other women  who date so freely is that you should date who you want to date, when you want to date them and how. Get it how you live (please just be safe if you are engaging in more than meals). But shaming folks for having a healthy social life is just a tad bit unfair now that I think about it. Especially since folks love lives are none of my business anyway. I’ll do better…how about you?

Explore Your Options: Why You Shouldn’t Be So Quick To Take A Simple Date So Seriously

February 12th, 2013 - By Liz Lampkin
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A date is a meeting between two individuals who may or may not have been previously acquainted, coming together for the purpose of getting to know each other. Dating is the process of continual encounters between two people for the purpose of furthering their knowledge of one another to see if they are compatible with each other for a potential relationship. These definitions make dates and the whole dating process sound pretty simple, right?  So then why is dating so complicated?

I believe dating is complicated because people don’t have similar goals in mind when going through this process, and people make more of a first date and dating than what it really is–a simple meeting or meetings to get to know someone on a different level. People have the tendency to make more of casual dating than what it really is because some get caught up in focusing on whether or not the person is ‘the one’ and what they can potentially bring to the table, rather than enjoying the person for who they are and enjoying the dating experience as a whole.

Now I know the whole purpose of dating is to get to know someone to see if there is potential there for a relationship, but honestly, when a person is primarily focused on having a relationship, then they make the dating experience complicated for both parties. How and why does this happen? This happens because people miss the steps of effectively communicating about their hopes and expectations and are half scared to come straight out and say that they would like to soon move forward to being involved in an actual monogamous relationship. People often confuse dating and monogamous relationships because during the dating process, many fail to communicate whether or not they are dating each other exclusively, with the purpose of moving forward in monogamy, or if they are dating other people…especially when the dating experience becomes physically or emotionally intense. When two people are involved in a dating relationship and they start feeling each other, they somehow miss the step of both parties agreeing to be exclusive and end up in a semi-relationship without proper communication, and when this happens, individual expectations and goals change for one if not both people, and that’s where things start to get complicated. What people should do when dating someone familiar or new is take their time and enjoy the person for who they are and not focus so much on if they will walk down the aisle with them in holy matrimony.

One should also realize that just because they are dating someone, that does not mean that you are the only person that THAT individual may be dating, especially if the two of you have not mutually agreed to see each other exclusively. Many times when people discover that they really like someone they are dating, they want to pursue a relationship with them, but the other person involved may not want the same thing, thus leading to hurt feelings and bruised emotions-especially if and when things become physical. That’s why when you’re involved in the process of dating, don’t just limit yourself to one person. Dating is a fun experience that should be taken serious, but somewhat lightly at the same time. It is the process of getting to know someone, but it is also a process of elimination, and if you are focusing solely on one person, you have automatically eliminated and alienated yourself from one aspect of dating. Dating is a wonderful thing when mature people have effective communication and truly take the time to get to know each other for who they are for a simple or greater purpose. Take things slow while dating, know what your intentions are with someone, know their intentions with you, be clear about the expectations, explore your options and take your time…

Have you ever confused casual dating for a monogamous relationship?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

Don’t Be Scared, We Promise He Won’t Bite: Dating Tips For The Shy Gals

January 17th, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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If you’re quiet, reserved, and shy, you know how hard it can be to make it successfully in the dating world. Though there is nothing wrong with being shy, it definitely makes finding a guy and keeping his interest harder than usual. Here are 14 tips for shy females who want to take the dating world by storm.

Do You Really Need To Beware? 7 Dating Red Flags That Don’t Have To Be Red Flags

November 19th, 2012 - By Julia Austin
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Once something is deemed a “red flag,” it becomes part of the Bible of love; women believe it must be considered at all times.While red flags are good to be aware of, not every person and situation is the same. There are exceptions to the rules and if you’re not open to that possibility, you might shut out a lot of good guys. These red flags don’t always have to be red flags.

Know This: Truths About Humans To Keep In Mind When Dating

November 12th, 2012 - By Julia Austin
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As you struggle through the confusing, turbulent and dizzying world of dating, you’re going to have a lot of people and situations to analyze. But, analyzing is exhausting, and it can get you hung up on someone you should have walked away from a long time ago. So know this: the answer to any situation can usually be whittled down to one of these universal truths about humans.

Booty Call? Just A Friend? What His Texts Say About How He Feels

September 13th, 2012 - By Julia Austin
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Texting is the most utilized form of communication between couples, friends and friends with benefits today. It’s efficient. It can be flirty with all those emoticons. It allows for communication at any time, like in a meeting or on the toilet, but it also allows you to avoid real conversation. So, it can be hard to read how a guy feels about you, beyond those little letters on the screen.