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These Men Came Into My Life For A Purpose: New Author April Bivens Gets Real About Dating In First Book
Ever looked back at past dating experiences and thought, “I really just need to write a book”? Atlanta-based public relations professional and author April Bivens actually did. In fact, just this year she self-published her very first book, An Old Fashioned Girl’s Adventures in the Modern World of Dating.
Bivens never intended to write a book, but says she was pushed to do so by divine intervention. “I was led down this path by none other than our Heavenly Father and by 2015, after about three months of restless sleep, I woke up in the middle of night at about 3 or 4 a.m. and said, ‘I have to pen my experiences to paper. These men came into my life. There’s a reason. There’s a purpose,’” Bivens said before her very first book signing at DS17 Restaurant and Lounge in Atlanta in mid-July.
She then called up her friend John McCullough, recruited him as her editor, and began writing in 2014. But the book hit a brief standstill when a budding romance went so far south Bivens didn’t feel “emotionally stable enough to write about it.”
It would take another, more intense heartbreak to give her the push to complete the book. “It’s funny because it’ll make you realize how silly and strong you can be in the same moment. After that situation didn’t work out, I looked back at the one I couldn’t write about and said, ‘Oh, this is easy after dealing with you.’ So, I got back on the horse and finished the book in February of this year,’” said Bivens, laughing.
Rather than embark on the slow process of trying to get her book published by a traditional company, she decided to self-publish and promote it herself using social media and her own marketing background.
It’s a quick read, broken down into eight sections that describe her experiences with five different men, beginning in 2003 with her relationship with her now-10-year-old son’s father and continuing with a few different types of men that many daters may recognize. Including the newly unattached guy who isn’t completely over his last breakup, the recurring old flame, and the “perfect” guy who defects just as you’ve begun to buy into his potential.
As Bivens chronicles these specific dating experiences, she includes little asides and tips to help her major points hit home, like “Please don’t let material goods overshadow or take the place of the truly important things in a relationship like trust, respect and of course quality time” and “You must always pay attention to the words that trickle out of the mouth of the person you’re dating. Listen with your head and not your heart and you will avoid having your heart broken.”
Both Biven’s experiences and advice are relatable and real, which is exactly what she was aiming for during the writing process. “It took me a while to really sit and reflect and think about which men made a lasting impression on my life, and which men the reader would most likely be able to relate to and identify with — even men, too. Which characters could the men identify with? So, I picked from there,” she shared.
One of the major recurring themes of the book is not to ignore the many red flags that pop up as you get to know someone. She said that she has ignored warning signs in the past because of how badly she wanted to be in love, make a relationship work and “find that husband to experience monogamy with.”
“I think that certain red flags that you see early on, you say, ‘Oh, it’s OK. He’s handsome. Or, you know, we have a connection. I’m just going to let that slip.’ I started [the relationships I wrote about in] this book in my 20’s, now that I’m 41, I’m definitely more alert about those red flags and certain things that I accepted back then, I definitely would not accept now.”
There were a few relationships that she didn’t include in the book which could have potentially ended in marriage, but Bivens is almost certain that they would have ended in divorce because she would have been settling.
“Even with my son’s father, if I would have stayed in that situation, we would most likely have been divorced by now. I just want to do it one time. I’m hopeful that I can get married and do it one time. I always laugh right now because a few of my cousins are in their late ‘40s now but they got married at 41 to 43, so we’re just late bloomers around here at getting married.”
Bivens said that writing the book was therapeutic for her and hopes that readers — both men and women — are able to recognize and identify with some of the characters and experiences described in order to “take the time and think about the relationship that they’re in, if they’re about to get into one, or if they’re stepping out of one”
She also hopes that men don’t read the title, An Old-Fashioned Girl’s Adventures in the Modern World of Dating, and assume that the book isn’t for them or that it’s full of man-bashing. “Men who read it will gain some valuable insight about women. What we want, how we feel when we’re in a relationship and it ends,” she said.
“I think I was very open and candid about feelings — not being able to eat for two or three days. I think, sometimes, guys do things and don’t really take the time to think about the other person’s feelings and their actions,” said Bivens.
That’s a lesson she’s trying to impress upon her son (who isn’t allowed to read the book until he’s at least 18) while he’s young. “He’ll say, ‘Oh, Mommy, my girlfriend –’ and I’m like, you don’t have a girlfriend, you’re too young. But when you get older and you start dating when you’re in college, I want you to make sure that you don’t date two women at one time because it’s not nice. If there’s another lady you like and you’re not really feeling that lady, you say, ‘You know what, I’m sorry, but this isn’t working out.’ And so, he pays attention to those things that I say and I think a lot of times we have boys be more focused on sports, be hard, and we don’t talk about how they should think,” she pointed out.
So, is another book in the works for Bivens? It just might be. The title of the last chapter of this debut book is “The One,” and it’s a cliffhanger of sorts. “Am I in a relationship right now? Am I not in a relationship?,” Bivens said coyly. “The [next] book would probably be a follow-up of the relationship I’m in, or the marriage that might take place, or the next man I meet that hopefully, eventually will be my husband.”
It’s Friday! And I for one am happy to see the weekend. Between annoying co-workers, faulty equipment and a micromanaging boss, the workweek can start to look like a never-ending reel from Office Space. But imagine dealing with the usual disappointments of a 9-to-5 job while working in an environment where not only your wardrobe, but your very blackness is being policed.
Like most professional women, you become acutely aware of the environment in which you work in and tailor your wardrobe accordingly. For some, its corporate chic. For others? Business casual. Mine, or at least my interpretation of it, falls somewhere in between. You see, I work in the design field and naturally, I work in a space constantly filled with a lot of eclectic colors and patterns, and varying aesthetics. My clients do vary from gaudy to “Chanel” chic, and I do my best to maintain a healthy balance between trying to appear approachable to the two. With that being said, you could probably understand my disgust with my employer, who on a pretty consistent basis insists that she gets to dictate what I wear and how. And while I understand that as my employer, she has the right to instruct employees on how to dress appropriately, there’s a difference between being reprimanded for dressing garish and from head to toe, being considered “too much.”
To give you some context, when I was being interviewed for the job, I had on a chambray shirt, a statement skirt and heels. My hair is natural and at the time of the interview, the top of it was dyed blond. At no point did this seem to be an issue, seeing as I was hired shortly thereafter. There was never an established or written down company policy on dress code and the like. And as the weeks went by, I never really changed my “work uniform” and was even told I could relax a bit and dress in jeans if I wanted to.
Fast forward a few weeks into fall 2015, and I recall wearing a teal sweater with jeans and flats, the most basic combination of them all. I was told that maybe I “would want to tone down the colors” in my outfit. I pressed further, curious as to what exactly the issue was, and I was basically told that if my work attire were all black, it would be best for the office. I let it go, despite the fact that none of this was stated to me upon initial hire.
As the months went by, my hair and the color in it began to grow out. One would say that my afro was flourishing. I have a tapered afro, and keep it pretty well maintained. One day, while mid-conversation with my employer, I was asked, “What are you going to do about your hair?” Perplexed, I asked what she meant by that. To which she responded, with inflated hand gestures on both sides of her head, “It’s growing out. Are you going to do anything about it?” I wasn’t sure what I was more insulted by — the audacity to say that to another person, or the privilege that comes with such ignorance.
On another separate instance I mentioned that I wanted to get my hair braided. I was told that braids were too “out there” for the environment we work in and that she was “just getting used” to my hair in its current state. And she’s also made comments about my body from time to time. Including one instance where I told her about going to the gym with a former boyfriend and how I was doing strength training. I am a curvy woman with some hips, thighs, butt and breasts, so her response was that I should be careful not to get “any bigger” than I am now.
As I’ve worked at this job, I’ve become very aware of the fact that not only is my appearance but my very blackness being critiqued all of the time. From the microaggressions about what colors “best suit my complexion,” the shape of my body, the color and length of my nails, the absence of color in my hair, and the very way my hair grows, it has become a toxic work environment. In a perfect world for my boss, I would look like “Morticia Addams” every weekday and all would be well. But I can’t. I’m a dark-skinned, shapely Black woman with an afro and she just can’t take it. In the America we live in, a country filled with people hell-bent on policing what it means to be Black, especially a Black woman, my workweek is just another emotional battlefield I have to wade through.
Have any of you experienced any of this in the workplace? How do you address it to be able to make it through the week?
If you look at yourself in the mirror right now, on a scale of one to 10, just how intelligent do you appear? Everyone wants to put their best foot forward at business meetings and in interviews, and the smarter you appear, the better off you will be in those situations. With that in mind, we did the research to find out how to you can make that happen. As it turns out, it’s about more than reading the thickest novels and wearing the most interesting pair of glasses. These unexpectedly easy habits you can integrate into your daily routine go a long way to help you impress other people with your wisdom.
If you follow any growing or aspiring bloggers on Twitter, you’ve probably seen tweets about blogging webinars, online courses or blog planners some time in the past year. It’s all part of one of the fastest growing trends in the blogosphere in which established bloggers offer educational products, leveraging their expertise to help others and increase their own profits in the process.
This can be a win-win, allowing new bloggers to get precious information about the trickier aspects of blogging, while providing established bloggers with new opportunities to pull in revenue. However, new bloggers must also be careful to make sure that any course they pay for is both appropriate for someone at their skill-level and being offered by a blogger who is actually trying to provide a quality service, instead of just looking for a quick payday.
Those are two of the major points of web designer/blogger Brittany Melton’s recent Twitter thread about blogging courses and online coaching.
“If you have no audience/niche/content, stop worrying about design/lead magnets/conversions/monetization. Stop. You’re wasting valuable time,” Melton tweeted, going on to write that worrying about an “invisi-audience” was “shooting yourself in the foot” and that beginners need to be wary of taking courses that are inappropriate for their skill-level.
“It’s our responsibility as seasoned bloggers to share this information. Unfortunately too many of us are turning to predatory practices,” Melton wrote, explaining that she was tired of the “hustle,” from for-pay courses on Mailchimp and “make $1000+ in a day” offers. (The entire thread is worth a read.)
In a recent interview, Melton explained that two things made her realize that certain bloggers were becoming predators. The first was a Google Hangout webinar on Pinterest she signed up for one weekend.
“I joined the newsletter and watched the webinar and it was great. Well, a month later I got a newsletter from the same blogger that said, ‘Hey, join my webinar to learn how I made x amount of money in this weekend’…and it was the exact same webinar,” says Melton.
The following month, she received another differently worded email offering a link to the exact same webinar.
“I was like, ‘Wait a minute. Are you really using my information to constantly get me to pay for the program at the end of your webinar? You’re not giving me new information. You don’t even know that I exist. At this point, I’m literally just a number. Is that all you’re using my information for?’”
She thought it might have been a “fluke,” but then she saw more and more people coming out with courses and webinars this year. Although they all seem okay on the surface, Melton noticed a few tweets that made her start to question a few people’s motives.
“There have been multiple instances where I’ve been on Twitter, thinking about registering for X, Y and Z’s webinar and they’re talking about how they’re going to be getting coin with the webinar or how they need to do such and such to get more people on the list because it’s all about those coins,” says Melton.
A week before her self-described rant, she saw a prominent blogger tweet that they didn’t like the look of their brand, but it was what people paid them for—and they were going to do whatever it took to get the money.
“That crushed me. At that point, I was angry, I was upset, and I was like, ‘OK, well, I can’t let this happen,’” says Melton, explaining that she thought about beginners trying to decide between taking a $97 blogging course versus paying their light bill, for example.
“There’s no way I’m going to let them ‘take a risk and invest in themselves’ for someone that’s a predator—for someone that, at this point in the game, no longer cares about the original purpose for their blog. All they care about is the money,” she says.
After her rant, Melton noticed some bloggers changing the wording of their course advertisements in order to make it seem like a beginner course, even though it was the exact same product.
“At the end of the day, these bloggers are marketers now. They know that you need to get people in their funnel and once they’re in the funnel, you need to romance them for a specific amount of time and then you’re going to ask for entry-level amount of money. And then, once they’ve sent that money, you’re going to ask for another amount of money. And then, eventually, they’ll pay you $1500 to mentor them. That’s a marketing funnel,” she says.
“It breaks my heart at this point because it’s gotten to the point where it’s so many really big bloggers that I used to admire that have started being predators, and if some of us don’t step up and say, ‘Hey, you’re doing this wrong and it’s unfair and this isn’t why you started your blog a few years ago,’ then it’s not going to change.”
Being vocal has already helped some of Melton’s followers. After her Twitter rant, she got direct messages from people saying things like, “I was about to register for this class and now I need to sit and think about it.”
“That’s why I use the words that I use,” Melton says. “Something has to change and there’s a lot of bloggers who have the expertise but we’re not really sharing it from a beginner’s standpoint when we should be.”
Melton started offering her own course, #Flourish30, in late February, hoping to offer resources that can help both beginners and bloggers who are switching niches. The month-long program consists of five daily assignments to help encourage consistency, plus one additional assignment to help each user develop their expertise.
Rather than worrying about design or monetization, Melton suggests that beginners pick a clean blogging template and focus on doing three things every day: writing, networking and self-promotion.
“Those are the three building blocks that can make or break how quickly you can monetize and how quickly you can build a large audience and a newsletter and things like that. If you can master those things, then everything comes relatively quickly, thanks to social media.”
When just starting out, Melton advises going on a 30-day “information fast,” rather than join any trendy webinars or master classes. “Focus on creating content without being swayed over what type of content you should be creating.” Instead, she advises using that time to figure out exactly what you want to write about and what works best with your schedule.
“For aspiring bloggers, there seems to be a huge market for professionalization opportunities —from conferences to webinars to online resources,” writes Brooke Erin Duffy, Assistant Professor in the Department of Advertising at Temple University in an email.
Duffy took a few of these programs while doing research for her upcoming book, “Aspirational Labor: Women and Creative Work in an Age of Social Media.”
“…while they can be tremendously beneficial, they also require a considerable investment in bloggers’ time, energy, and money. This leaves the playing field for these aspiring blogging professionals highly uneven,” Duffy writes.
Many aspiring bloggers turn to blogger-led programs because the information isn’t readily available at four-year institutions which can’t keep up with the pace of innovation because changes in curriculum have to first go through an approval process.
“Blogger-taught programs seem to address this gap by bringing in those with expert professional skills. Unfortunately, this means that young people are forced to shoulder the burden of additional educational expenses (in addition to college tuition) by enrolling in these programs,” writes Duffy.
So, what should you look for before committing to taking a paid course? How do you determine what kinds of skills you need to learn at this stage of your blogging career, and how to do you make sure that you’re giving your money to someone who is committed to offering a good course not just the money?
Mattie James’ blog, Mattieologie, started as a personal style blog, but in the past 12 months, she’s been producing a steady stream of content about the business of blogging, including regular Periscope broadcasts, podcast episodes and blog posts. She launched her own program, The Consistency Course, in August.
She says she’s always been transparent with her followers and was willing to answer business-related questions left in the comments under her Instagram photos or blog posts. Once Periscope launched, she began consistently giving blog tips and noticed that people seemed to be “starving” for this content.
“I liked talking about it because I am passionate about it, so I said, ‘Let me make my first course.’ I did that and it was successful and I’ve just been doing that ever since with the balance of working with the brands and creating content as an influencer,” says James.
James’s Consistency Course is designed to teach content creators to “post, profit and promote consistently” because “that’s pretty much what the issue is.”
“The Consistency Course teaches you the processes you need to be consistent which are: automate, delegate and operate. If you do not do those three things, you cannot be consistent. It’s impossible,” says James.
She says new bloggers should focus first one what they want to talk about and “share with the world.” “We usually consume content that either entertains us or educates us and if it can do both, that’s awesome,” she says.
When choosing a course, she advises starting with someone’s free content first. “I would not pay for something from anybody—an online course, e-book, whatever—if that person has not blown you away on a consistent basis,” she says.
She also thinks that people need to pay attention to what someone is teaching you to do versus what they are doing themselves. “What a lot of people also tend to do is take information that they’ve learned and try to regurgitate that into their own content, but you can’t teach me what you haven’t already done. That’s not how this works here,” says James.
Melton advises that beginners pay attention to the way a course advertisement is worded as well. “In most cases, anything that involves mailing lists isn’t for a beginner. Anything involving making money in one weekend, that’s not for a beginner either. You have to have an audience first,” she says.
She also suggests asking for casual reviews from people who have taken their courses before.
“Generally, if people call something ‘good information,’ they’re not using it. It was really nicely worded and they appreciate it, but they can’t use it,” says Melton.
James agrees with Melton’s point that seasoned bloggers should provide beginners with information when asked.
“I think especially if it’s in your audience and this is someone who generally supports you and is trying to grow their blog as well. I think it’s worth being transparent and giving them the truth,” says James.
Outside of obeying confidentiality agreements or being discreet with people’s personal information, James says she’s “never really understood why people are secretive about their opportunities.”
“I think people are coming from a place of lack and think that sharing information about opportunities is going to take that opportunity from them and I feel like that couldn’t be further from the truth. It just creates more opportunities for all of us,” says James.
“I always say that free content is the what and the why. Paid content is the how.”
In a recent study, Harvard Business Review (HBR) found men and women exhibit different travel habits that have a huge influence on how much money travel companies save. By reviewing 6.4 million flight bookings from 2014, HBR studied the behavior women and men exhibit when purchasing flights and the differences were pretty major.
Based on their observations, HBR noted that women travelers help travel companies save (on average) $1 million by booking trips two days before men. And according to HBR, “those two days add up.”
“We calculated the average per-ticket price difference attributable to gender. The uncontrolled result — just looking at the overall average difference in ticket costs — was more than $113 per ticket. However, that number doesn’t take into account the differences between men and women in the routes they commonly take, differences in class usage or disparities in when travel happened.”
When the researchers controlled for those factors, they found that women save about $17 per trip, or about 2% of the average ticket price. “For a multi-national company with 21,000 travelers, those two extra booking days can yield $1 million in savings,” HBR reported.
We’re not sure you really care about saving a company money but this is just another example of how women and our planning skills are pretty awesome.
Are you surprised by these results?
Women-Only Hotel Floors? Luxury Travel Destinations Are Catering To Women With Money More Than Ever Before
For those who are late to the party, wealthy women, those with a net worth of assets of $30 million and more, are increasing faster than men and travel agencies and wellness centers are now targeting these hard-working women who are seeking luxury R&R or a destination for business trips.
Roselyn Lekdee who works as an economist at WealthInsight told NBC News the percentage of wealthy women in the world rose to 5.3 percent between 2010 and 2014, with these individuals mostly residing in Eastern Europe, Asia-Pacific and North America, and as a result, “As wealthy females have greater control over their careers and finances, they are becoming more selective about holidays, demanding personal and more sophisticated services.” Because of this trend, wellness tourism is shifting its focus to catering to female travelers with spa, yoga, detox, fitness and stress relief activities.
Asian countries like Thailand, Malaysia, and Indonesia which specialize in high-end wellness treatments are a typical hot spot for wealthy business women. One such local is the Ananda Spa in the Himalayas which provides white-water rafting, safaris and trek trips alongside the usual wellness treatments. Luxury hotels in the Middle East are focusing on providing women-only hotel floors. Some of the rooms on the floors are staffed with only female employees as well as cosmetic refrigerators. The rooms are also stocked with yoga mats, gyms, separate check-in desks and lobbies. For those interested in traveling to Europe, some hotels in London provide extra security for their female guests whose rooms also have the luxury of doorbells, spy-holes and chain locks.
With these options mentioned, women are shifting how the travel industry creates new opportunities for female travelers to feel at home no matter the purpose of their trip, especially those with money.
Where would you travel for a luxury vacation?
by Abiola Abrams
Self-love Lesson: How to launch yourself and make an impact.
Do you have a message or mission that you have been yearning to give birth to? Many of us do. Get clear about your purpose, and once you have this clarity, get clear about who you serve. According to the Center for Women’s Business Research, African American and Latina women are the fastest growing entrepreneurial segment and more likely to start a business than the rest of the population. Yes! This really is our time.
As your self-worth midwife, I call this passion you want to give birth to “your calling.” Your calling may be teaching healthy eating like cookbook author Rhonda Peters, helping women tune into their sensuality like Carmen Victorino of Le Femme Suite pole fitness, empowering single mothers like Tinzley Bradford, or guiding writers to find a voice like Cherise Davis Fisher of Scribe’s Window.
At a recent party, I was talking to a woman (let’s call her Miss Jackie) who kept going on about how open-minded she is. Most people who say that turn out to be the most judgmental folks! Miss Jackie, a retired elementary school teacher, told me that her 10-year-old granddaughter wanted to be a writer. To her, this was a calamity. She told her granddaughter, “No! Get a real profession and then you can be a writer on the side like your mom.”
I happen to know Miss Jackie’s daughter, the child’s mom; let’s call her Becky. Becky is a lawyer and pretty much miserable. She has spent the majority of her legal career secretly plotting her exit but never has the courage to make a leap. It may look like she makes a big income but she has a scarcity mindset so she is often complaining about money and lives like she doesn’t have two nickels to rub together. Writing the book Miss Jackie was referring to had been the greatest bright spot in Becky’s life, but she was still stuck. Most likely Miss Jackie’s programming was stopping her from making the next move. I didn’t accept Becky as a coaching client when referred by someone else because she seemed heavily invested in her own negativity and limitations.
Somehow in the conversation it came up that my dad is a professional writer. Miss Jackie asked me what his day job had been and seemed flabbergasted that he spent the last 40 years as a professional writer, speaker, and international expert on a topic he was passionate about.
Now, it’s your turn to tune out the Miss Jackie’s and make an impact! Ready to reinvent yourself and create your future? You can do it.
How to start your mission this year:
1. Claim your unique vision.
Your way to change the world may look completely different than your bestie’s. Starting a franchise or a credit union may support an under-served community. Using your passion for math to create a tutoring business can help others to rise and shine. You may be able to build an empire with your passion for fitness. Whether your passion is makeup or politics, you owe no apology for what makes your heart sing. The fastest way to get what you want is to help others to get what they want.
2. Become an expert.
What you majored in may have nothing to do with the business that you want to start. That’s okay. While you are alive you can be furthering your education. Grab your Kindle and start reading. Listen to audiobooks while you’re driving. Watch training programs from those who teach what you want to learn. Read biographies and autobiographies of gurus who are living their dreams. Commit to reading 100 books in your field and you will be an expert.
3. Write a book.
Every day someone asks me how they can get started writing. My biggest advice as a professional writer is JUST WRITE. Twenty-five minutes a day is a great place to begin. If there is a story within you that you want to tell, tell it. If you wrote just 1,000 words a day (half the length of this article!), you’d have a pretty meaty manuscript in a year. The best thing to turn up is your voice.
4. Take a stand.
You may have unpopular beliefs but change is made by those who have the courage of their convictions. Taking a stand doesn’t require being fearless. It requires harnessing your fear into positive energy and moving forward on your mission. Many of us are people pleasers. We were taught to be nice and not make waves. We want people to like us. Growing up is realizing that no matter what, you will never have everyone like you. You might as well stand firmly for what you believe.
5. Write a letter to the editor.
Don’t just read the news, be the news. Instead of sitting around waiting for the news to declare that you are worthy, declare it yourself. Almost every publication shares letters to the editor. The New York Times and The Washington Post feature opinion sections called the OpEd. You can get your voice into the world.
6. Blog it out.
You can start a blog in 60 seconds. Ideally, you put more energy and thought into it than that. However, in our current media climate, if it didn’t happen online it doesn’t exist. The great thing about that is that you can answer your calling from your sofa. Ebony Magazine’s dedicated and thought-provoking Jamilah Lemieux created her own award-winning platform and launched herself by blogging. There are natural hair bloggers, gossip bloggers, and business bloggers creating their own publishing — and product — empires. Stop waiting for someone to pass you the mic. Take it!
7. Podcast it.
The podcast is the multimedia syndicated approach to blogging. Most podcasts are audio, like talk radio shows, although they can be video as well. I created my first inspirational podcast, The Goddess Factory, way back in 2005. People are still listening to it on iTunes today! If your calling is poetry, maybe you interview top poets. If music makes you sing, maybe your podcast is a showcase with valuable critiques for emerging musical artists. There’s something for everyone. The creators of a podcast called “Drunk History” have been invited to major news networks from CNN to FOX.
8. Launch a YouTube channel.
If you have a phone with a camera, and who doesn’t these days, you can launch a YouTube broadcast. There really is no excuse for not getting your voice into the world. Making sure you have something to say that is worth listening to is another conversation. The brilliant Issa Rae used her “Awkward Black Girl” channel to launch her into career as a writer and actor who is now working with HBO and producer Shonda Rhimes. You can use your YouTube channel to broadcast news, give reviews or give advice.
9. Start a hashtag movement.
A hashtag is basically a way of indexing an idea on social media and across the web. It is also the way to organize with people you don’t know around an issue. Movements like #BringBackOurGirls, #YesAllWomen and #BlackLivesMatter were powerful and attention-getting in 2014. Hashtag activism may sound like activism lite, but it is a powerful way to galvanize people everywhere to important ideas and causes.
10. Create a weekly meetup.
I’ve heard defeatist people complain about not being able to “get ahead” because it’s about “who you know.” If that’s the case, get to know some people! Who are you spending time with? If the people you spend your time with are small-minded thinkers, you will be a small-minded thinker without even knowing it. There’s no need to be limited by the people you already have access to. Use Meetup.com and social media to meet new like-minded folks. The resourceful Scott Dinsmore launched the inspirational “Live Your Legend” movement by creating meetups worldwide.
11. Change your own life and teach others how to do the same.
Change your own life and then show others how to do what you did as a teacher, trainer, coach, speaker, or writer. We want to learn from those who are doing it. For example, I can teach other introverts how to conquer fears around public speaking because I’ve done it. Your ministry can be based on your own internal or external transformation.
12. Learn something new and share about your missteps.
Along those lines, you don’t have to wait until your transformation is complete to consider yourself answering your calling. Maybe you’re learning how to sew so you can become a designer and you take us on the journey. Remember the movie and book “Julie and Julia” about a woman blogging her way messily through Julia Child’s masterful cooking. Overcome your challenges and we will all be rooting for you – and learning from your journey.
13. Start a business.
Your business may be a for profit or non-profit enterprise. It may be a franchise or you may be a solopreneur. Do the research, get educated, and go for it! Stay away from non-believers and other low vibrational energy folks. Be clear about who you are serving. Don’t be afraid to be specific. As they say, the riches are in the niches.
14. Get a mentor.
Here’s where a lot of us get twisted. Stop approaching people and telling them what you want them to do for you. Asking to pick someone’s brain is insulting. Author Michelle Y. Talbert of @BlackLoveRules and #HerPowerHustle calls picking someone’s brain picking their pockets. Instead, ask yourself, what can you do for them? What are you offering? Do you want to interview them? Feature them on your blog? Guest post on their blog? Take their training course? You will get a lot further with this approach. Another way to go is to join a professional mentorship group in your field.
15. Join an organization.
There is networking everywhere from the church pews to the National Urban League. Join an organization of others who are answering a calling similar to yours. Your objective here is not shoving your business card in people’s faces or taking about yourself, but developing genuine relationships. Real relationships and referrals are the power center for anyone trying to make an impact.
16. Get coaching and support.
If Serena Williams and Oprah Winfrey have coaches and advisers, why would you think that you don’t need support? You don’t have to be in an “Iyanla, Fix My Life” crisis to invest in your own personal Iyanla. There is a coach for every person and every need. Other famous coaches include AJ Johnson, Tony Robbins, and Lisa Nichols, who all help very different tribes of women. Their are love coaches, career coaches, and grief coaches. My Hear Me Roar Coaching Club is all about helping my sacred bombshell spiritpreneur sisters to answer their calling. If you want to get unstuck, enlist a life coach or business coach to help you move forward.
17. Speak from the “stage.”
Just like I said if you want to write just write, if you want to speak just speak. As my mom would say, “stand up and be counted. Speak up and be heard.” Malcolm X started out speaking on street corners. In our multimedia, multi-platform society, you can 10x that. If your passion is poetry, rent a spot monthly, invite other poets, and make it happen. If you’re a financial or legal wizard, rent a space weekly or monthly and give seminars. Speak for free in the beginning and then charge as much as you want. The marketplace will pay you for the value you provide.
17. Start a challenge.
The ALS ice bucket challenge was pretty memorable, wasn’t it? Create your own challenge that people everywhere can join. Partner your cause with a visual representation and tag folks. Alicia Keys’ #WeAreHere peace movement educates and subtly publicizes her music. Adam Bouska’s #NOH8 challenge educated people about marriage equality and helped him to make an impact.
18. Start a weekly Tweetup.
You want to begin to answer your calling from your kitchen? Start a Tweetup or a facebook group of aspiring vegans. This is the online version of a meetup. With a Tweetup or Twitter party, you meet weekly online organizing around a specific hashtag and ask or answer questions. You can develop a following around your message, mission or movement and spread your mojo, miracles, and magic throughout the universe.
19. Most importantly, believe in yourself.
Stop waiting for the world to give you permission. Our parents were living in a whole different time. There are almost no 40-year safety jobs anymore. It is okay to reinvent yourself.
The world is waiting for what you have to offer. Figure out what you want to do, learn how to do it, then move forward and monetize it. Don’t stay stuck in eternal preparation mode. You want to answer your sacred calling and start a movement? Just do it, Miss Noire!
Abiola Abrams is the author of the award-winning guide The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love and founder of , where she offers empowerment coaching.
One might assume that living in a large city would automatically equal easy access to a wealth of talented styling professionals who specialize in black hair, but unfortunately, pricing issues, incompatible hours and distance can all get in the way of finding a stylist who best suits your needs. These were all factors that inspired friends Octavia Pickett-Blakely and Regina Gwynn to launch Tressenoire, a Philadelphia-based service that brings natural hair stylists straight to clients’ homes, offices and hotel rooms.
“We’re looking at this largely underserved market where women of color spend nine times more on hair care products and services than our counterparts and the convenient kinds of options aren’t available to us,” said. Gwynn.
She and Pickett-Blakely set out to fill that void, founding Tressenoire in October 2014. The company is already expanding, serving markets in Delaware, Philadelphia, New Jersey, New York City, and Westchester County.
Users can log on to the online portal, select a style (there are also examples on Tressenoire’s Instagram account, if you need inspiration) and set a date and time. While Gwynn said they are happy to schedule clients with a particular stylist, they really want the date and time to be the guiding factor in bookings.
“All of our stylists are amazing. We really do stand behind that. We select stylists from some of the best schools of the nation,” she said, explaining that the hair care professionals on their roster have worked with Carol’s Daughter and trained with Aveda and the Paul Mitchell Schools.
Clients should wash and detangle their hair before the appointment (the stylist will blow dry or re-wet the hair, if necessary). Stylists also come prepared with styling tools and products, but clients are responsible for supplying any hair extensions needed to achieve their desired style, though stylists can give detailed advice on what kind of hair to purchase.
“We like to over-communicate when we can to make sure that we’re setting ourselves up to win and can basically slay hair when we get there,” Gwynn said.
Gwynn became a naturalista long before the current onslaught of YouTube vlogs, blogs and hair care lines devoted to natural hair care began. Her friends would frequently ask her advice on how to best care for their coils and curls. Now, she says there’s almost an “information overload.” Not only do they want to provide a technology-driven, luxury service for their clients, but they also want to educate clients on how to best care for their own hair in between styling sessions.
Before the session starts, stylists do a one-on-one curl consultation with the client, making sure they understand the density and porosity of their hair in order to empower clients to take control of their hair care. Although Tressenoire doesn’t completely buy into the hair typing system, Gwynn said they do think it’s important to help clients “get into a lane that can help guide you so that the product junkie in you doesn’t go too overboard.”
“There is nothing like talking with a licensed beauty professional and having her talk specifically about your hair texture, curl pattern and hair type,” she added.
It might come as a surprise to some that a company like Tressenoire would be so popular in heavily populated, racially diverse cities like New York and Philadelphia, but Pickett-Blakely thinks that’s a “misconception.” What she’s noticed is clients don’t only require an adequate style that looks nice, but also proper care.
“Having both of those characteristics can be difficult to find,” she said. “A big part of our messaging and a big part of our goal is to make hair care and hair styling convenient, so we have stylists that are available at a variety of times each day and different times in the week week. We offer services at times that are not necessarily traditional times that other salons would be available.”
Tressenoire also strives to make their services more affordable. “There are amazing salons in these markets, but I think the other thing that comes into consideration is price,” Gwynn said of her company’s success. “I think sometimes price becomes a bit prohibitive for some women who really just want a great luxury experience, but maybe the wallet isn’t something that they can give over at that time.”
Lucky for Pickett-Blakely and Gwynn, their business has grown significantly during the past year due to client referrals. And their clients run the gamut from mothers who want to have their kids’ hair styled without the hassle of running after them in a salon to homebound clients who may not be able to travel for a hair appointment.
For clients who have experienced hair loss, Gwynn said having hair care services done in the privacy of their own home has been an added benefit.
“That’s definitely something that we’re mindful of. Wherever you are in your hair care journey or hair care experience, this is definitely a no judgement zone.”
For potential clients who want to check out the service before giving it an official try, or people who are struggling with their natural hair care journey and are seeking help, Tressenoire will offer a quick phone curl consultation.
“Whether you become a customer or not, we really are here to empower women and make the path to beauty a lot more easy,” said Gwynn.
To set up your first appointment, visit Tressenoire.com.
There is no denying that the roots of hip-hop are amongst the most disenfranchised and underprivileged.
Its sounds, groove, lyrics, and dances were once a reflection of young, urban and predominately working-class Black and Brown people. Its soul, if you will, comes from the long line of African griots who passed down knowledge, as well as stories of struggle, discontentment, war, family, love, joy and death through the oral tradition.
But that was then. Today’s hip-hop feels nothing like its predecessor. In some ways, that is understandable. Things evolve. Art is no exception.
But sometimes evolution just sucks. Especially when that evolution isn’t from natural causes, but rather, forced by capitalistic forces. Thanks to hip-hop’s commercialization, the art has shifted its focus from being the voice of history and concern for the people to now answering the question of what happens when rampant self-aggrandizing individualism and free-market capitalism runs amok.
The griots of today are not only multi-millionaires with brands and diversified incomes, but in many cases, they do the bidding of the one-percent by representing companies and products in their “art” while selling it to the same communities from whence they came.
This more evolved version of the hip-hop culture means that anyone can come and lay claim to the art. That includes Martin Shkreli.
If the name sounds familiar, that is because he is the millionaire CEO of a pharmaceutical company, which recently made headlines for jacking up the prices on the drug Daraprim, which is used by HIV patients, from $13.50 to $750 a pill.
Yeah, that guy.
And as reported by Bloomberg, that guy is now the proud owner of Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, a double album recorded and produced by legendary rap group Wu-Tang Clan. As reported in the article, there is only one existing copy of the experimental album.
Originally, the group, which is led by super-genius producer RZA, wanted $5 million dollars for the project. However, after failing to capture a buyer, they decided to put the album up for auction online.
It was reported that Shkreli only paid $2 million for Shaolin. However, RZA told the business publication that the auction for the album had attracted many serious suitors including: “Private collectors, trophy hunters, millionaires, billionaires, unknown folks, publicly known folks, businesses, companies with commercial intent, young, old…”
Whatever the price tag, the likely financial gain will probably be more than what the group has managed to earn from previous projects. According to Bloomberg, Wu-Tang’s long-awaited fourth studio album, A Better Tomorrow, which was released last December, only sold 60,000 copies in the U.S.
And it should be noted that after it was discovered that Shkreli had purchased Shaolin, RZA announced to the press that “The sale of Once Upon a Time in Shaolin was agreed upon in May, well before Martin Skhreli’s [sic] business practices came to light. We decided to give a significant portion of the proceeds to charity.”
Good to know that folks still have a conscience. Still, there are many fans of hip-hop who will likely feel uneasy about the overall structure of the album’s sale.
The album itself was conceived to be a single-sale collector’s item based on the practice of commissioned commodification, which had been popularized during the Renaissance era. Unlike hip-hop of the past, which sought its validation from the streets, Shaolin would seek its hood pass at exclusive, invite-only listening parties held at museums and high-art galleries.
That means that folks with questionable connections to the culture had the final and only say on the worth of a cultural contribution. And for a genre of music which relies heavily on keeping it real, who gets to define “realness” matters.
In an article I wrote previously for The Grio about the importance of African-Americans participating in the high arts, a former Haitian gallery owner told me, “It’s to the point that some African artifacts and some famous black artists are now so far out of the financial region that we [black people] can not even own their art.”
She continued, “And if we’re not owning it, that means others are. And if we are not participating, that means we have no voice in shaping culture.”
Perhaps it’s our fault as consumers for not supporting the work of artists we claim we want to hear more from. Or perhaps Shaolin might have been received just like its previous Wu offerings because it may not have been very good.
Unfortunately, we will never know the album’s true artistic and cultural value. The moment the sole copy of the album was sold to the highest bidder – a person who can afford to buy his way into culture – it was decided that whatever monetary value it has far outweighs whatever artistic and cultural contribution it could make.
Just to be clear: There is nothing wrong with knowing your worth and getting paid for your art. But there is something wrong when art that has been created and inspired by the working class, no longer is accessible to the very people who served as its inspiration. And worse, those with no clear connections to the community get to have the final say on what is hip-hop, just because they can afford it.
By day, Mandy Bowman is a social media strategist at a media company, but for the past year, she has steadily been developing an online directory of black-owned businesses called Official Black Wall Street (OBWS).
“I remember reading that black businesses only get around 2 percent of our [$1.1] trillion dollar buying power, and that completely blew me away,” Bowman said. “I felt like with all the racial tension, and the things that were happening from Ferguson to New York, there was a huge need for us to protest with our money and recycle that money back into our communities.”
The Brooklyn native first began the project on social media in the fall of 2014, and launched the actual site in July of this year. “I found so many amazing businesses and I really wanted to spread it to as many people as possible and get as many people to support them as I could,” Bowman said.
The site’s namesake is a nod to the legendary hub of Black business that once stood in the Tulsa suburb, Greenwood, OK. In 1921, the original “Black Wall Street” was destroyed in what has been called one of the deadliest “race riots” in U.S. history. Before it was viciously dismantled, Greenwood was a town with a booming self-sufficient economy.
“That really inspired me – just seeing how this neighborhood was able to function on such a major successful level and do it all on their own. There were movie theaters, pharmacies, doctor’s offices, lawyers and nightclubs. Just thinking about it gives me chills.”
Over the years, plenty of Black business directories of popped up online, but OBWS is one of the most user-friendly and wide-reaching, by far. The OBWS directory has listings for about 1,300 businesses, including clothing companies, skin care lines, contracting and accounting firms, personal trainers, event planning and more. Users can leave reviews, get directions to brick-and-mortar stores, and search for businesses by location and category. There is also a special offers section for shoppers on a budget.
In addition to its directory, OBWS offers original business-related content, including profiles of entrepreneurs like Maci Peterson, the creator of the On Second Thought app and inspiring posts like their list of “kidpreneurs.”
“I really wanted Official Black Wall Street to be a hub for Black business, but also Black excellence. I wanted people to be able to go on there and support their own, but also draw inspiration from all the businesses there and all the stories about successful entrepreneurs and successful businesses that we’ve started ourselves,” said Bowman.
So far, Bowman says the response to OBWS has been amazing. She has been inundated with requests to post or promote new businesses. For a long time, Bowman says that OBWS was “a one-woman show,” but she has begun to bring on contributors and now has help updating the site and responding to emails.
“This is like my first-born, so finding the right team is very important to me. I would have to find someone who is as passionate as I am about Black culture and supporting Black businesses,” she said.
In the future, she wants to continue to publish more original content. She’s also working on an OBWS app to make the directory more accessible for shoppers, noting that when she first began her quest to support more Black businesses she found other directories but they were difficult to navigate. So far OBWS’ functionality seems to have hit the spot.
“I’m just really appreciative of all of the support from people,” Bowman said. “When I first started this, I intended for it to be something small to post on social media sites. It’s grown to be a lot larger than I expected, just with the people who are submitting businesses – both consumers and business owners.