All Articles Tagged "broken hearts"
It’s been a long road for Fantasia and her on-again-off-again boyfriend Antwaun Cook. There was the drama with Antwaun’s estranged wife who tried to sue the “Lose to Win” singer in relation to the extra marital relationship that she had with Antwaun. Then, there were those circulating rumors that Cook turned around and cheated on Tasia with Kendra James of Bad Girls Club. Not to mention the public disputes that she’s gotten into with his family since the birth of their son, Dallas. These days Fanny seems to be steering clear of the drama that appears to come along with being emotionally involved with Antwaun. In an interview that appears in the April issue of Sister 2 Sister, the mother of two opened up about the current status of her relationship with Cook and what they’ve both learned from their mistakes.
On her split from Antwaun:
“Me and Antwaun, as of now, we are not together. I think it’s the best thing for us all. We had to learn how to become friends again. There was so much stuff that came out. We were all hurt along the way. There’s trust issues. There’s just a lot of stuff that kinda got put in the mix. And I, at one point, I wanted to make everybody else happy. To love him, to make sure Zion was okay, to make sure everything—but I had to get to a place where I had to learn how to love Fantasia. I never did that, Jamie. And if I don’t love myself, then I can’t be in a relationship.”
“He’ll say, ‘I learned that you can’t play with people’s hearts.’ I think every man gets to a place of knowing that they wanna be faithful and they wanna be good fathers and good husbands and good boyfriends… Things play out for you to say, okay, it’s time for me to man up or it’s time for me to woman up. I think we both have a lot of regrets of how things just happened; it all happened so fast. I just went full-speed ahead and that’s why I was tellin’ you now. I think out everything before I do it. Everything.”
Fanny appears to be making strides in a positive direction. We’re definitely rooting for her and hope that she continues down this path.
If there was one thing I used to resent myself for, it was the way that I would fight tooth and nail to hold together a relationship that was clearly over. I mean, I would be so emotionally worn-out by the time I finally accepted that the relationship was coming to an end. Not even because of the nature of the break up, but because of how hard I would fight to hold everything together. I never slowed down long enough to even ask myself if there was anything left in the relationship worth saving. All I knew was that I was about to lose something, and I don’t like losing things. I would be like an insane person, sitting at a table with a pile of broken glass from a shattered mirror in front of me. With my fingers all cut up and bleeding, I’d attempt to glue the slivers of glass that once formed the mirror back together. Of course, in the end, I’d never achieve the goal of putting the mirror (relationship) back together fully, at least not permanently anyway, because in many cases, once it’s broken, it’s broken.
One day, it dawned on me that once a season (or relationship) is over, there’s not much you can do to bring it back and sometimes attempting to do anything and everything to piece it back together only makes things more painful and strained. As I reflect on past relationships, it amazes me how much emotional energy could have been saved and pain that could’ve been avoided if I just accepted the fact that the relationship had simply run its course and it was time to move on. I also eventually realized that we sometimes aren’t even actually fighting for the person themselves, but for what being with them represents and against what not being with them symbolizes. We commonly associate break-ups with failure because to some of us, it means admitting that we were wrong–wrong about a person we trusted. It means admitting that while we thought this person was the one, we somehow miscalculated something, somewhere along the way.
Cutting your losses and moving on doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or care about the person because you’re being realistic about the fact that it’s over. It just means you love yourself enough not to constantly subject yourself to the pain of forcing something that’s finished. Everywhere you turn, we’re being told that love is worth fighting for and while I do believe this is true, there are some instances when fighting against a break-up is only prolonging the inevitable, especially when the other party makes it clear that they have no interest in salvaging what’s left of the relationship.
Breaking up doesn’t always require crying, begging, pleading, struggling or even getting indignant. You don’t have to always do something to spite the person just because they hurt you. You don’t have to seek revenge. You don’t have to struggle to make that person stay with you, because the truth of the matter is that when a person desires to end a relationship, they’re gone long before they actually leave anyway. Sometimes breaking up means being mature enough to understand that the love is gone and and it’s best for your growth as a person and happiness if you move forward. Sometimes it means being lady enough to depart from where you’re no longer desired, but recognizing that somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who will. Sometimes it means leaving with your dignity in tact. Sometimes breaking up simply means taking a deep breath and letting go.
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise
All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock
A few years ago I began to notice that I had somewhat of an odd pattern of behavior surrounding my dating relationships. Let me explain. When I first meet or become romantically involved with a guy, I am one of the coolest most easygoing chicks to be around. I’m fun, I’m outgoing, I’m humorous, I’m confident. I presume this is a result of being totally detached from the guy I’m seeing. At this particular early point in the budding relationship, I am just enjoying myself and feel I have absolutely nothing to lose.
As time progresses and the relationship continues to grow, all seems well and things appear to be going fairly smooth. But then, out of nowhere, something happens. I wake up one day with this gripping feeling. It always takes me awhile to identify what it is, but I eventually come to the realization that the emotion I am being overtaken by is sheer terror. At some point in the progression of these relationships I suppose that my heart decides that she wishes to join in on the fun and that is where my problem seems to begin. When feelings start to grow and my mind receives the memo that my heart has become an active participant, I choke. Boy, do I choke. Panic seems to overtake me in a way that I am sure any licensed psychiatrist would prescribe medication to subdue. Thoughts of any and everything that could possibly go wrong in the relationship cloud my mind and I subconsciously begin looking for a way of escape.
“Get out now before any real damage is done,” is always the thought that looms in the back of my mind as fractured images of past hurts, disappointments and failed relationships clutter my memory. My mind wants to leave while my heart wants to stay and my soul seeks to find common ground between the two. More often than not, I decide to stay in the relationship, but not without putting up imaginary walls to guard my heart and appease my mind. And then of course, my mind goes into overtime by overthinking and overanalyzing every single detail of the relationship, hoping to catch on to or decode any signs of turbulence ahead of time so that I can get out before my heart can get broken.
I suppose that as a result of past occurrences, my mind is used to associating love and relationships with heartache, loss and suffering, which would make the emotional walls that I put up a mere defense mechanism; a simple defense mechanism that could potentially cause me to miss out on the love of my life. I realize that this fear is something that I must overcome. It would be a tragedy for me to get to the end of my life and realize that I allowed the one to get away because I let my uncompromising fear of being hurt have free reign to rule my love life. I know that conquering my fear of relationships won’t be easy, however, I am determined.
One of the most inspiring things I’ve ever read on this subject came in the form of an article by author and counselor, Sheryl Paul, on The Huffington Post entitled Relationship Anxiety: Fear Eyes or Clear Eyes? in which she shares her personal experiences of relationship anxiety with a boyfriend who is now her husband.
I learned that when we see life through fear-tinted glasses, it’s like walking through a fun-house where everything becomes distorted. Except that it’s not fun at all; it’s torture. Fear wanted to convince me to run because in fear’s mind, love is dangerous. Love means loss. Love means losing myself or losing the other person. Love means risking my heart and breaking down the layers of control. Real love means that I have to be accountable and vulnerable and, since I had never met someone with whom I felt safe enough to do this, almost every fiber in my body and soul wanted to run.
I remember letting out such a sigh of relief upon reading of her experiences. For so long I thought I was alone in feeling this way. What I found even more inspiring is when she reflects on how she was triumphant in her bout with relationship anxiety.
But I didn’t run. Thank God, I didn’t run…I would see his acts of caring, which are too numerous to list here. I would see his creativity, his soulfulness, the poetry of who he is. I would see that he’s everything I’ve ever wanted and needed, and I would be flooded with love and gratitude… There were many moments when fear would dissolve and I would see my partner through clear eyes, standing before me with the beauty of his soul radiating out like the rays of the sun. Fear might rear its ugly head the very next hour, but those windows of clarity are what gave me the inspiration and the knowing that I had to keep battling through the fear voices and fighting for love.
From Paul’s words, I know that there is hope for a fearful lover as myself, and as a follower of Christ, I don’t believe that it is in God’s will for me to live this way. I am determined to experience love the way in which God intended for it to be experienced. And so I will pray. I will fight, and if I’m lucky, I will not lose love to fear. Never again.
Have you ever dealt with relationship anxiety?
All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock
Overcoming trust related issues is one of the biggest challenges that a couple can come up against. It is an emotionally draining situation for both parties involved and unfortunately plays a major role in the demise of many relationships. Having been a person who has struggled with trust in the past, I realize that this can sometimes be a difficult mindset to break away from; however it is not impossible. If you find that you too struggle with trusting your partner, here are a few tips that just may help you out.
I recently read a feature that you did in the October issue of Essence with Kelley L. Carter entitled, “No More Drama,” in which you discuss your new reality series, “Keyshia and Daniel: Family First.” Although it was a brief article, it made my heart smile. The fact that your show is described as a celebration of “your new life as a wife and mother” is absolutely amazing and not even just for the obvious reasons. These obvious reasons include the idea that your show is adding to the positive images of black love and black families on television. It’s even deeper than that though. Your new life is worth celebrating because you are a living, breathing, walking, talking, singing testament to girls and women everywhere that it is possible to overcome challenging obstacles that seem to surface with the intention of robbing us of all future success and happiness.
The first time I ever heard you sing, passion and soul bled through your song lyrics so naturally that I knew you had a story to tell. It wasn’t until I watched your reality show “The Way It Is” that I learned how gripping and powerful your story actually was. You were so open and honest about the things that you felt that you lacked growing up, being adopted, having a substance abusing mom who would later go to jail, coming from somewhat of a broken family and other things that people usually find so easy to sweep under the rug and never speak about. I’ve always admired the way that you could discuss your mom’s struggle. In the aforementioned article, you discussed how you are still dedicated to keeping your mom sober. Having dealt with my share of substance abusing family members, I know how hard that can be to even speak about. Talking about it makes you vulnerable and deep down inside you want to protect yourself and that family member from the judgmental eye of others. I understand that certain things are painful to talk about, but I appreciate you allowing your life to be an open book in some ways and telling your story without regard for critics. The naysayers can say what they want but the truth of the matter is that through your transparency you’ve provided some young girl who possesses dreams and aspirations of her own but similar troubles with a glimmer of hope that says, Hey, you know that obstacle you’re facing right now? It is possible to surpass it. Your life tells her that her past does not have to dictate her future and that she shouldn’t give up or feel defeated by her circumstances because there are better and brighter days ahead if she just hangs in there.
In one of the last episodes of ”The Way It Is,” you shared with a couple of your friends with strong affirmation that someday you would have a beautiful family to go along with your beautiful career. You went on to declare that this was simply the direction that your life was going in and refused to believe otherwise. I am so overjoyed that in your return to reality television, you have exactly what you declared that you would; a beautiful family and a beautiful career.
I am too thrilled about your current success and I await with much anticipation and excitement all of the other wonderful things that God has in store for you because the best is yet to come. As someone who has gone through my own share of similar struggles, I say thank you for being a great example. Thank you for not giving up.
All photos are courtesy of WENN
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By La Truly
Yes, I’ve been breaking my own heart over the years. Not that I’ve tumbled through a laundry list worth of relationships to come to this realization, because the first page wouldn’t even be complete in my Little Black Book. I chalk that up to being a shy, spastic, late-blooming bookworm. Having started dating at 19, most of the few relationships I did cultivate all shared one thing: at some point they ended with a wide range of heartbreak that went from “Hurt But Frontin’ Like It’s All Good” pain to “Ugly Crying For Two Weeks With Little To No Food, Replaying Every Sad Love Song Written In The Last Decade” sadness.
I didn’t notice a pattern back then and I had a group of girlfriends who coddled me and protected my feelings swearing that “He wasn’t worth my time,” whenever a courtship/relationship would combust in imaginary flames. I was never the problem in my narrow mind. Let’s be real, sometimes we walk around feeling as though there is something wrong with EVERY man we involve ourselves with, but just looking at that rationally, it makes absolutely no sense. There’s always a common thread that runs through all of our mistakes as well as our triumphs. The only common denominator in all… one, two, three, four, FIVE of my previous relationship distresses… was me.
After reviewing my early twenties – the weeping and/or cussing a little (OK, a LOT), the frustrated, sleepless, Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche-sponsored nights – it finally hit me like a ton of bricks exactly how I had gotten so far gone. Breaking my own heart has been one of the easiest things I’ve unknowingly learned how to do since I started dating all those years ago. It’s an easy practice if you build up extreme expectations before you even know each other’s last name; or if you overlook clear red flags of incompatibility; OR better yet, if you are more into the idea of a relationship than you are into the guy. Who’s guilty? *raises both hands*
I’ve ignored the fact that he had absolutely NONE of the same interests because I was enamored by his great job and how tidy he was. I’ve pushed aside the fact that he was a drunken party rat who only ever teetered on the edge of sobriety when he had to take his mother to church once or twice a year. And still, I’ve copied and pasted over that major flaw with the fact that he told me I was beautiful and he paid his bills on time. *Sigh and a shake of the head*
These men (sometimes, boys) were showing me who they were from the gate. But being the young, naïve, passionate Aries that I was, I ignored all clear warning signs making my heartbreak inevitable. Then, I would have the nerve to sulk and inhale whole pints of ice cream after I had – say it with me – broken my OWN heart. The fact that a man may not be the right one for me is nobody’s fault. Trying to MAKE him the one was MY fault, as an overly eager woman.
Looking back, I was so pressed to experience love that I would see a man with ONE good quality and run with that without any further investigation or forethought. I had one speed: Go. I set myself up for an unavoidable fall every single time.
Now, at 26-years-old with a deeper, more secure sense of self and a more honest/objective lens, inspecting my life and guarding my heart is Priority Numero Uno. I’m not so quick to get involved with any ol’ body for the sake of being involved. It’ll happen when it’s right. I am more aware of my emotions and I check all outrageous expectations at the door. I’ve had enough of self-inflicted heartbreak and when you’ve had enough and you know better, you do better.La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change through her writing. Check out her thoughts/jokes/rants on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
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After any of your heart-wrenching breakups with men, you probably thought you were suffering like “no man’s business.” Well, you weren’t…particularly because ‘man’ suffers way more than you in the break-up business. In fact, according to a new study, broken hearts destroy men just a little bit more than women. Hmm. You’d think they’d be nicer about it then, ay? More details after the jump…