All Articles Tagged "breakup"
I’m a hugger. If I meet you and you seem pleasant enough, you’re getting a hug instead of a sterile handshake. According to my ex’s mother, I had her at the first hug.
During the course of the romantic relationship, I considered her to be family, going to brunches, offering to help where I could. While most would consider this sort of thing “doing too much,” I thought of her as a second mom of sorts and was relatively close with the family in general, not just when we saw each other at mutual gatherings and events. Sadly, my relationship with her son ended after quite a few years and I found myself at a crossroads. Do I keep in touch with his family or not?
I’ve heard a lot of people, even some relationship experts, say that you needn’t get too close with your significant other’s family. The idea is that you’re dating him/her and not their relatives. Also, once you break up with someone, you should also break up the family ties you had therein. But why do you have to break up with an entire family because of how things played out with the one who introduced you to them? Especially if there wasn’t any real bad blood?
Some say that breaking ties gives both parties the adequate space and time to heal and move on. Others tend to see it as the cost of doing business: The family you break up with is the collateral damage of your romantic separation. Armed with this outside influence and sentiment, I cut ties with an otherwise great group of people who were nothing but kind to me. I went ghost, changed my number with no explanation, and held onto the hope that there was the mutually silent understanding that it had to be done.
A few years had gone by, and I ran into my ex. In politely asking about his family, I was scolded for not keeping in touch with them. Apparently, his mother tried every conceivable method of getting in touch with me post-breakup, and according to him, “sadly gave up.” I’d never been so gutted. I struggled with my resolve to stay away, and the urge to reach out to someone who always had my back and wanted nothing but good for me. I got out of my own way and eventually called her.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, I will say that the phone call was very emotional. She’d asked what she had done, and even if she had offended me in some way, said that she was sorry. She expressed worry and concern and was anxious to hopefully see me again. I wanted to see her too. Too much time had passed in silence, and I genuinely missed his mother’s presence in my life.
I caught up with a friend recently and in our usual gabfest about what we did with our weekends, I divulged that I had in fact met up with my ex’s mother for brunch recently. To her chagrin, she asked why on earth I was still talking to “that woman.” I reckon, if both parties are mature enough not to hash out details of a defunct romance and can be friends, why not? I’ve never felt it necessary to cut ties to people unless I felt that said relationship was not good for me. With that being said, I feel that if you have a great relationship with an ex’s family, there’s no real need to break up completely. Draw a line, and by all means, create a reasonable emotional boundary for yourself. But you don’t have to chuck people just because some unwritten rubric on relationships tells you that you should.
How do you guys feel about this? Would you cut off an ex’s family after a breakup?
Cassie : “IM DONE. WE NEED TO BREAK UP”
— Ignorant Intellect (@KW33NSOHI9H) August 19, 2016
This morning the Internet got word that Cassie and Diddy broke up –again. But what caught everyone’s attention wasn’t the fact that the pair who we weren’t even sure were still together had called it quits, it was news the cops were called to the house over a domestic disturbance.
It turns out (as TMZ tells it), Cassie and Diddy got into an argument in a car Wednesday afternoon after Cassie said she wanted to break up. Diddy allegedly got mad, grabbed Cassie’s phone and started scrolling through it, then he jumped out of the car in the middle of Beverly Hills somewhere. Apparently Diddy came home later that night and gave the phone back, but before he returned Cassie called her mom and told her what Diddy did and her mom called the cops on him. When police arrived, Cassie explained that she had gotten her phone back and eventually they left, but not before writing up a domestic incident report, even though no crime was committed.
See how quickly things can spiral out of control?
It’s also interesting that Diddy is the one who lost his sh-t, considering we always assume women to be the more emotional parties in a relationship — and during a breakup. But it looks like Diddy is the one who couldn’t handle the truth in this scenario and we know some of y’all have to have some interesting tales of post-breakup blowups as — hopefully none more serious than this. Share with us below.
What’s the craziest thing your ex ever did after a breakup?
“We don’t even talk anymore. We don’t even know what we argue about.” Remember those iconic words from one of Boyz II Men’s most memorable breakup songs? If you do, we’re sorry for getting that stuck in your head (singing along to it a few times might help).
If you don’t remember the song, those words probably still ring true. When things are going wrong in a relationship, communication issues are usually the first ones to rear their ugly head. And sometimes it’s not a lack of communication but a poor choice of words — a very, very poor choice as some of these examples below will illustrate.
If you catch your man uttering one of these phrases in the near future you better nip it — and possibly him and the entire relationship — in the bud ASAP.
Some men have to grow on you. Sometimes you meet a guy who is a little rough around the edges, but underneath a few shenanigans and weird habits, there is a diamond in the rough. But other times, all you find underneath a few rough edges are more rough edges. And even though he’s adorable, or the sexual chemistry is right, everything else is just wrong.
If you’re dating a guy who’s giving you these red flags about himself, chances are the relationship is headed right toward a slow dance on your last nerve. It’s only natural to be tempted to want to make it work. He’s a nice guy, you say. And sometimes something that looks wrong manages to turn out right after all.
But when things are this wrong in the beginning, it’s hard to ignore the feeling that these personality quirks and deja vu moments are going to turn into things that you can’t stand.
My best friend called me with a dilemma this afternoon. Yesterday, her 14-year-old mentee sent her a video message crying, saying that she’d broken up with her boyfriend. She wasn’t able to talk on the phone, but after sending my friend texts of the relationship-ending conversation she had with her boyfriend, she wanted only one question answered: How do you get over heartbreak?
That question proved as equally perplexing for my friend to answer as it was to be the person seeking said knowledge. My friend began to beat herself up as she realized at more than twice her mentee’s age, she wasn’t sure she’d found the key to mending a broken heart herself. I, too, drew a blank. Though my bestie and I certainly had enough experience to be authorities on the subject, for the most part, the only thing we’ve become experts at is coping — and not always in the healthiest ways — but actually getting over heartbreak? How does one do that? And is the answer that much different for a girl of 14 versus a woman of 30-something?
“I’m not sure you ever get over heartbreak,” I posited after swallowing the hard pill that wine was neither the answer for my friend’s mentee or for us, though we’d tried our hardest over the years to make it so. “I think a breakup is like the death of a loved one,” I added. “It always stays with you, but you find ways to move forward in spite of it.” Though I had no doubt the words I spoke would be of little comfort to a teenage girl experiencing her first heartbreak, I believed what I said. Our heartbreaks always stay with us. When you’ve faced the pain head on and moved forward, they’re called memories; when you’ve buried the hurt and continued to relive the experience over and over again, it’s called baggage.
But that was a discussion for another day. We weren’t talking about a grown woman who’d lived long enough to know there were better days ahead, we were talking about a young girl who wanted answers — and relief — right away. On the spot, all I could come up with was what I meant to be a comforting fact: there are many more experiences for this girl to have and one day she’ll look back on this one relationship and see why things didn’t work out, and that that was for the best. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thought that would immediately dry up tears on a soaked pillow, but I can personally attest to the peace that comes over one’s soul when they see the path the object of their unrequited affection has taken in life and how detrimental that journey would be to their own. But again, that little tidbit would likely do nothing to to assure a budding woman that one day she wouldn’t always feel like she does now.
And so, I want to pose this question to you. Women, who’ve experienced at least one heartbreak in their life and lived to talk about it. What would you tell a 14-year-old girl about heartbreak?
Some of us believe that following a breakup, unfollowing your ex on social media sends the message that you’re clearly hurt over the split, and in some ways, displays a level of weakness or immaturity. But others believe that once it’s over, there’s no need to keep up with the goings on of your former flame whatsoever, so why follow them? Of course, it all depends on the person and where they are in terms of dealing with pain (or lack thereof) from the dissolution of the relationship. If it’s been a while and the romantic feelings are gone, following your ex probably feels the same as following an old classmate. It’s whatever. But if you haven’t fully moved forward, you’re setting yourself up for failure–and some hurt feelings.
At least, that’s what a new study featured in the journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking states. About 464 individuals whom all have Facebook accounts and have experienced a split from an individual who also has a Facebook page were asked to take a survey about their social media habits and relationships. What researchers found was that 57 percent of participants were still “friends” on Facebook with their exes. Forty-six percent of these people said they still had exchanges with their exes through the social media site, but didn’t really talk outside of Facebook. They concluded that continuing to follow you ex, even if you don’t talk on the phone or anywhere else outside of social media, could have a major impact on your personal growth. In fact, the study points out that maintaining communication with them via social media could be a lot worse than actually having conversations on the phone and meeting up. Why? Because social media exposes you to facets of a person’s life that you wouldn’t know about otherwise. This kind of information, according to the study, can intensify heartbreak. That information includes seeing images of your ex with a new romantic interest, or viewing pictures of them super happy while you’re still feeling down in the dumps.
And yet, it was also found that Facebook exposure sometimes helped the individuals studied move on. As the results pointed out, those exes we don’t follow can “remain shrouded in an alluring mystique,” while those we see and know the whereabouts of can lose some of their luster in the post-breakup recovery process. Basically, you realize they’re not all that after all.
However, those behind the study said that overall, personal growth was mostly stunted for the large group of people who remained friends with their exes on social media.
As Tara Marshall, Ph.D., lead of the study and of the department of psychology at Brunel University in the U.K. told Mic, “The more you can minimize exposure, the more space you have to move on.”
Got it, doc. But I think we all knew that following our exes and delving into the lives they’re leading without us is far from healthy. They do call them an “ex” for a reason…
If there’s one city perfect for a Museum of Broken Relationships, it’s Los Angeles. And not just any ol’ place in the city of Angels, but Hollywood, smack dab in the middle of the city’s touristic capital where broken dreams are abound. That’s rather harsh sounding but, hey, there’s truth to it.
The newly opened museum – it opened its doors on June 4 to be exact – was initially conceptualized as a pop-up museum in Croatia by a former couple, both artists. Now the Hollywood location, which accepts (close to) all donations, is continuing what the one-time couple started. And while the term “broken relationships” calls to mind a divorce, separation or breakup of a romantic couple, the museum has several themed rooms that speak to all kinds of relationships – those with family members, friends, co-workers, the list goes on. The museum’s goal is to represent a “collective emotional history.” If you donate an item to the museum’s growing collection, your story accompanies it. What would your item and story be? Take a look at some of the current items in the Museum of Broken Relationships and tell us what you think.
Can you ever go back to the way things used to be in a relationship?
And no, I’m not solely talking about a particular period that brought you and your mate a great deal of happiness, but also, a certain title. If your partner popped the question and asked you to marry him, and you said yes, when things aren’t going as smoothly as you both would have hoped, is it petty to ask to revert to boyfriend and girlfriend status?
That’s what one woman asked on a thread from a few years back that caught my attention:
“I love him with all my heart but I feel like this is going to change us,” the woman wrote. “And if he does ask me again in the future, I’m afraid of saying yes because, what if times get worse again? Is he just going to take the ring back again? I’m hurt, confused and I don’t trust him with my heart after this. People tell me I’m dumb for not ending it, but I love him and we have been together for a while.”
Ah yes, the whole, “I’ve put in years” crutch.
Sometimes being with an individual for an extended period makes many of us believe that we have to stand by and ride for whatever they put us through. When one feels they’ve invested so much, the concept of walking away from said investment and starting all over from scratch sounds like a nightmare. And I totally get it. But when you decide to stand by and ride, then you find yourself in situations like this one, where you’re seriously considering not postponing the wedding, but canceling an engagement and just acting like it never happened until folks figure themselves out.
I gained some very interesting insight on this matter from individuals who responded to the thread. Especially from one woman who had been through such matters of the heart and was back to planning her wedding after taking a step back. A step back that lasted two whole years:
“I have been engaged and broken up, went back to being just gf/bf and I am now engaged to the same person and have set a date for the wedding. It could be that he pulled back because he felt that your finances were not right or that he was just not in the right mind-frame. Only you know his heart. If he is not a terrible person who has hurt you in the past, then he may be waiting for himself to mature and if you love him then you will stand by him. If he is a game player and somewhat jerk then he could be playing with your heart. Go with your heart and what it is telling you about him. But make sure you use your head for reasoning as well. Don’t let a man treat you like dirt but also don’t give up on a good man because he is not moving at the pace you are. Sometimes you will be out of sync and it’s worth it to wait to get on the right track to progress. Me and my fiance are now back to going on the right road to marriage and that took two years of fixing the relationship. You are stronger than you want to believe, you can wait if he is right. If not, then you are strong enough to leave. Love does not mean giving up your self control and going against what you know is the right thing.”
I respect all that. However, there is a significant difference between both parties agreeing to postpone a wedding for, say, financial reasons, a desire to seek counseling, health issues and the like, and just saying you don’t know when or IF you want to get married anymore, but you know you would like to stay in the relationship.
That’s a hell no. And a waiting game.
And also a sign, in my opinion, of someone who is a commitmentphobe. We all get nervous about this marriage thing, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to take such large steps back in relationships. Just be done! The time to be unsure and take things slow was before the proposal. Because, in most cases, people are looking to move forward. If you don’t want to marry me all of a sudden, you think it’s a cute idea to say that being boyfriend and girlfriend works best and we can start from scratch? Sounds like some time getting ready to be wasted.
But then again, it’s always better for an individual to figure out what’s really going on within before saying “I do.” And if you choose to hold that person down in the meantime, more power to you.
However, I would recommend that one handle this as a girlfriend of mine did and say, “You can go back to being whatever you want and need to be, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for you to figure out what you want…”
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is there anything wrong with asking your fiancé/fiancée to revert to boyfriend and girlfriend status until you’re really ready to say “I do”? Whenever that is…
Did you know that more people break up on December 11 than any other day of the year? If you’re trying to move on this season, take a few words of advice from these celebrities who went through the same pain and heartbreak.
From getting dumped by text message to finding out about their split on TMZ, these celebrities dumped in the worst ways possible have cringe-worthy breakup stories to share.