All Articles Tagged "breaking up"
Another one bites the dust…
For the last seven months I thought I was blissfully happy. I’ve come to realize I was at best blissfully naïve. My former coworker whom I’d taken as an unexpected suitor turned out to be less than a frog. My shiny prince was actually a master deceptor, plucking my heart strings, and playing to my trust. It goes without saying I feel like a complete fool, and even as I sit here typing these words my head is still reeling.
The questions swirling in my mind are why? and what was the point?!
I will never understand the lengths habitual liars go to, all to satisfy their own selfish needs. Everything I thought I’d known about my man and our relationship came crashing down within minutes of a basic Google search.
Now don’t go thinking I’m a crazy stalker, but if someone you cared for seemingly disappeared for an extended amount of time, wouldn’t you do some research?
It began with a social media page I found, I can still hear the disdain for the top trending networking sites when he told me he had no social media. He told me how an ex had been using Facebook to cheat and after that he was over it all. In retrospect, if that scenario even happened I’m sure it was him who was the perpetrator. As I perused his page more and more lies began to reveal themselves. I was bewildered and nauseated. Even now finding the words to describe what I feel is like trying to pull oneself out of quicksand. It is scary to think that behind what seemed genuine sincerity was emptiness.
As days go by, moments and conversations rewind in my mind shedding new light on the man I thought I just might spend forever with. I have so many questions, and so many things I want to say, but I know it will yield no fruit worth the harvest. The commitment, time and energy it takes to lie for seven months indicates an undying dedication to our manufactured realities which was and remains far more important than I.
What’s most devastating of all is feeling robbed of the ability to trust myself. Not once did I ever feel the need to question him in a suspicious or an accusatory way.
Even though the break up was a mystery, another one bites the dust, and I’m back at square one. I obviously have a thing for pathological liars, and I need to figure out why. This dude was the opposite of everything I usually go for, and still somehow I struck out. admittedly in the past I’ve been the overly hopeful romantic, overlooking major flaws and running red lights in an effort to make a relationship something it could never be, however this time around I felt at ease. I didn’t feel anxiety for the future like I have in the past. I called myself taking things as they were, but what I perceived to be my reality was merely an illusion. To this day I have no answers or clear picture of what was really going on, but I’ve resolved that sometimes no closure is closure.
Continued from: #RelationshipGoals: Should A Relationship Ever Be Open?
Ah, the joys and pains of an open relationship. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it, but I figured I would give it a try anyway. I judged people who opened up their relationship, wondering if it was just delaying the end. But when I found myself in that sticky situation, I needed to know: how do you know you’re breaking up? Was my open relationship a sign?
“Wow, I didn’t really think you’d be into it,” Jackson said as he put his fork down in his plate of half-eaten risotto.
“Then why would you ask?” I was confused, but secretly delighted that Jackson was getting worried about our relationship going from exclusive to open.
There was a long pause. I sipped my wine. Jackson moved his risotto around on his plate. More pausing.
“Alright then,” Jackson was reluctantly agreeing to open our relationship–something he’d originally suggested.
I wasn’t sure how to even start opening up a relationship. So I did what any clueless girl in love would do–asked my friends.
I met my friend Keri out for dinner and before we could even order an appetizer, I blurted out, “Jackson wants an open relationship.”
“Girl, what?” Keri asked. She heard me, but she just needed me to repeat the crazy that escaped my lips.
Keri interrupted me, “I heard you. I just…Danielle, what in the world does that even mean?”
“We both want to stay romantically involved, but we want some space,” at least that was the definition I’d built since my last dinner with Jackson.
“The lies you tell!” Keri screamed and laughed. “Isn’t that just a long ass breakup?”
“Is it? Because I feel like it’s something that could work–give us space, time and clarity…”
Ker interrupted me again, “To screw other people.”
“Date!” I corrected her.
“So that’s what you’ve agreed on?” Keri attempted to flag down the waiter who hadn’t even had the chance to come over and introduce himself to us. “Momma needs a drank!” Keri said, fanning herself with the cloth napkin on the table.
I laughed, “Same.”
“Danielle, do you really think this is something you want to do?”
“Well, I’m not 100 percent sure, but he suggested it and I took some time and decided to go for it. Now he’s not so sure about it,” I laughed.
“I just think opening a relationship is delaying the inevitable–the break up. Jackson is a great guy, but he’s showing you that he doesn’t have what it takes to give you the commitment you need and deserve, girl. But I know you’re going to do what you want, just know that I don’t think it’s a smart thing to do.” Keri finally flagged down the waiter.
“I don’t know, Keri. I feel like, if we break up to give each other space, there’s a chance we won’t come back to each other. If we stay together and date, there’s a bigger chance that we’ll come back to each other with some stronger feelings,” I almost didn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
“Or you’ll both fall for someone else.” Keri switched gears. “If I get the yucca fries, will you have some? I’m only getting them if you have some.”
A few weeks later, I found myself still with Jackson, but in an open relationship. At first, neither one of us really knew how we’d go about opening things up and then it happened. I met someone.
At first, I didn’t think anything would actually happen with this guy, Abdul. We met at a club where he worked as a bouncer. He flirted, I flirted and we exchanged numbers by the end of the night. I even fought myself on sharing my number because I was taken, and then I reminded myself that the relationship was open.
Abdul kept the flirting going strong–texts, late night phone calls, occasional emails of interesting, cool and heart-warming stories he’d read and wanted to share with me. This was refreshing and I was always excited to get these forms of communication from Abdul. We started getting much closer.
One night, Jackson and I decided to have a date night for old time’s sake. We’d been talking, but not as much as I’d been talking to Abdul. Jackson and I decided to go for dinner and drinks. During dinner, Abdul and I were chatting and making date night plans of our own.
Jackson noticed how often I picked up my phone, the stupid smile plastered on my face, and he frowned, “Those must be some amazing Snapchat posts,” he tried to joke.
I laughed and finished my text and put my phone away, “I’m all yours…well, not really.” I smirked.
“Cute,” Jackson fake laughed. “Who was that?”
“A guy I met a couple of weeks ago,” I said casually while sampling his dish.
“Oh OK,” Jackson proceeded to be quiet for the rest of the night.
Any joke I made, he’d give me a fake chuckle. Anytime I tried to hold his hand, he’d find a reason to pull it away. By the time we made it to the bar, I tried to lighten the mood every which way I knew how, but Jackson was determined to be seething, but still cool.
We were both a bit tipsy when I asked, “Baby, what’s up?”
Jackson laughed, “Baby.”
“Yes, baby…the name I am always calling you,” I was getting upset with his attitude. My phone rang. It was Abdul. I text him that I was out and will call later.
That stupid smile must have found its way right back to my lips because Jackson immediately asked, with venom in his tone, “Was that the guy?”
“What’s going on Jackson?” I asked, trying not to answer his question.
“I think we should break up, that’s what,” Jackson couldn’t even look at me when he said it.
“What?!” Heat flashed in my cheeks and found its way to my ears. I was livid. “Break up?”
“Break up,” Jackson repeated.
“Give me one good reason,” I searched for his eyes.
“I can give you two,” Jackson turned towards me. “You met someone and I met someone.”
My heart sank. Was my girl Keri right? Were Jackson and I just dragging out our break up instead of going through with it? Did Jackson really meet someone or was he trying to make me just as jealous as I made him? Was any of this healthy? I had all the questions and I am sure you do too, but you’re just going to have to wait until next week to see how Jackson and I kept things together, or fell apart.
Come back next week for the conclusion!
Don’t Set His Things On Fire. Instead, Try These Healthy Tips To Help Get Over An Ex After Being Dumped
When you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, where you can’t keep your hands off of each other, you’ve planned your wedding in your head (or via Pinterest) and determined the name of your would-be children, the last thing you think about is breaking up. And then, one day, it happens. You and Mr. or Mrs. Right are no more. That’s when you’re in a different phase and place altogether. Your heart is broken, you cringe at the sight of happy couples, and you want to erase every trace of your ex from your memory…and your phone.
We’ve all been there, and we all know that ending a relationship is tough (especially if you were the dumpee and not the dumper). And depending on how things ended, sometimes you can’t help but feel, well, bitter after a breakup. That infamous Waiting To Exhale scene comes to mind and suddenly lighting your ex’s stuff on fire doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. But this is real life, and you’re no arsonist (I hope). So how do you move on after being broken up with, and do so in a way that’s healthy? Here are some helpful tips.
What exactly is ghosting? When you leave your last date and boyfriend pretending like things were fine — and then just never talk to the person again. That’s what happened to these people who shared their worst ghosting stories with the Internet.
They thought their relationships and marriages were fine. That is until their significant others dropped off of the face of the earth with no explanation why.
Has anyone ever cut out of your life with no explanation? Or have you ever opted never to call someone back when things went stale? If you’ve ever been ghosted or ghosted someone, we’d love to hear your stories in the comment section.
You would never throw salt in a wound, right? The problem with going through a breakup, however, is that you are a giant wound and the world is mostly salt. There are very few places you can go that don’t bring up good or bad memories (and even the good ones are bad now because they’re GONE!) There are very few personality types you can stand to be around who don’t make you think, “I should try to get him back. Humans are generally awful, and I didn’t know what I had!” You know how some people see life through rose-colored glasses? You’re seeing life through a toilet rim. That’s what it feels like at least. So you have to be careful where you look, and where you go. Here are the worst places to go after a breakup.
Closure is like a unicorn: at some point, every girl wants it, but it’s impossible to get. There are going to be men who leave you feeling so messed up, so betrayed, and so confused that you’re going to want answers. You’re going to demand a coffee date so you can get some “closure.” And yet, you’re going to leave that meeting feeling not better, but possibly worse. Here is why looking for closure is pointless.
If you’re a Basketball Wives fan and love all shenanigans pertaining to Draya Michele, you may know that she and her baller boo Orlando Scandrick have a drama-filled relationship, to say the least. First, the couple were engaged and soon after Scandrick called things off. Then came the reports of Orlando filing a restraining order against Draya after he claimed that she threatened to throw bleach in his eyes, pepper sprayed him and threw his pricey Yeezy sneakers in the pool. Sheesh! Just a few weeks later, Draya confidently aired out their dirty laundry in an interview saying that she was never served with papers from Orlando and they had reconciled. And when the drama looked like it had subsided, the on-and-off again couple were throwing low blows at each other on Instagram. Messy, much?
While it all seems like a bit of a roller coaster ride, you don’t have to be a reality TV star to get caught in the drama of on-again, off-again relationships. We all can probably relate to not knowing when enough is enough and when it’s time to call it quits and end a relationship for good. Usually it’s obvious when there is just nothing left to give or the last line has been crossed. But if you’re not sure when it’s time to end it or you simply don’t want to face it, click through these next slides for our run down of the tell-tale signs that it’s over.
No matter how hard you try, sometimes things just don’t work out. As much as it can hurt, break ups are a part of life that aren’t always a reality that’s easy to swallow. After all, you invested time, love and energy into making it work.
Let’s just hope you don’t catch a case in the process of uncoupling.
Here’s a look at some good and bad ways to break up. Remember, it’s always best to take the high road.
Breakups are hard. Even if you don’t like the other person anymore and you know breaking up with them is for the best, it’s still pretty unpleasant. There’s a long list of reasons why I’m none too fond of breakups, but these are my top 5.
1. They’re not there for you anymore
The worst thing about breaking up with someone is that in addition to being your boyfriend/girlfriend, they were also your actual friend. Someone who once occupied a large portion of your day in a variety of ways is no longer there.
In relationships, your significant other is usually the first person you call when anything happens. Had a bad day? Call your boo. Got some good news? Text your boo. Both of ya’ll got desk jobs? Gchat gets lit up from the time you walk in until the time you get home.
It’s easy to take for granted just how much you rely on daily contact with someone. And the more you rely on that contact, the more jarring it is when it’s no longer there. All of sudden you realize how much your phone doesn’t ring. How infrequently you get text messages. How you’re really not interested in talking to anybody on your Gchat list. Those first few days and weeks after a break up when you’re still searching to fill the hole in your heart that person left?
2. Love changes and (their) friends become strangers
Breaking up with someone doesn’t just entail breaking up with them. It also includes breaking up with their family and friends. Granted, this may not be an issue for some but if you had a pretty good relationship with the inner circle of your significant other, the separation can make things a bit more difficult.
The cousin who worked at Comcast who was going to hook you up with free cable? Nope. The sister who had the boyfriend who worked at Best Buy and was going to get you that TV on sale? That’s over. Being able to call up their mother and invite yourself over for dinner because you knew they’d set out a plate for you off principle?
Forget about it.
3. You did everything together; now everything hurts
A side effect of being in a long-term relationship with someone is the memories you create with them. You get to know all their ins and outs (no pun intended) favorite foods, brands, places to shop, TV shows, and how many sugars they like in their coffee. The drawback is once you start to associate that person with all of those things it becomes rather difficult to dissociate the two after a breakup.
All of sudden, you can’t watch certain TV shows because it reminds you of them. You don’t want to eat your burger with extra cheese and onions because it was your ex’s favorite. You walk outside and smell a certain perfume/cologne, or you hear a passionate argument about your ex’s favorite artist and it seems like little reminders of them are everywhere.
I remember one time during a break up I was cleaning out my drawer and I found a shirt buried in the midst of my other clothes. I didn’t recognize the shirt at first and I ended up pressing it to my nose (don’t ask me why I did this) and it smelled exactly like my ex.
I never dialed her number so fast in my life.
4. Staring at the (wo)man in the mirror
There tends to be a startling amount of self-scrutiny involved when a break-up happens. Assuming you’re in the business of taking personal responsibility, the first thing you decide to do is find out what part of the breakup may have been your fault.
“Did I spoil her too much?”
“Did I not set good enough boundaries with him?”
“Should I not have nagged him so much?”
“Should I have been more firm with where I stood on certain issues?”
Those questions tend to happen in a rapid fire motion with thoughts traveling at the speed of light. Relationships are interesting, in that they sometimes do a very good job of showing you who you are. It’s one thing to trot out lists of things you like, don’t like, are willing to accept and not accept, but the relationship history and people you tend to date really says it all.
The long-term effects of grading your actions and coming up with plans for how you won’t make the same mistakes can’t be undervalued. Going through the actual process however? Not as much fun.
5. Social networking…(of course.)
The use of any of the “big three” social networks (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter) will show you how incredibly volatile breakups can get. A simple change in relationship status on Facebook from “in a relationship” to “single” will give rise to any number of comments and “likes” on said status change. It’s becoming increasingly rare for two people to privately breakup and deal with their emotions.
Now you get to watch the story break in real time — especially if you’re on Twitter, which is home to some of the messiest “relationship ending” I have ever seen in life. When it comes to relationships, watching Twitter is like watching the “Maury show” in real-time where there are new guests every day.
The constant timeline searching, the subtweets, the retweets, other people pitching in, then someone figuring everything out are a recipe for all types of disasters to happen. Social networking can take your average, normal breakup and turn it into drama that would rival that of any reality TV show. And though this isn’t an advice column, I will throw out this warning: don’t do it.
These are only but 5 of my reasons breakups tend to be the worst things that can happen to people. What are some of the reasons you think breakups suck?
You tried and it was not a match. There were good times, great times even, but the both of you were too incompatible for a stable future. The incompatibilities were blatant, in your face, even unwavering, but you may have tried to gloss over them or convinced yourself that they weren’t there.
Finally, you decided to sit yourself down and have a personal intervention. You carefully weighed the pros and cons. You may have cried, prayed, or devised a plan to try to make things okay so you could keep him, but at the end of the day, the jury came back with the same verdict you always knew.
You’re not right for one another.
So, you buck up and break it off. It hurts, no doubt, and because of the pain you cry and mope around. Time passes though and you are reassured that you made the correct decision. You’re laughing again. You’re thinking of him here and there and you feel no sadness or longing. But then there comes a day when any one of a number of triggers causes you to reminisce. Reminiscing turns into craving and craving turns into longing. The reasons for moving on have grown a bit dim and you’re thinking, “Well, things weren’t so bad between us. Maybe I should call him.”
When you’re teetering on the edge of that fragile moment, it’s important not to make decisions based on fleeting emotion. You don’t want to do or say anything that will cause regret (like sending that emotional text). So, put your phone down. Close that Google window you were about to use to stalk his life through social media. Here are five ways to ensure you make the best decision for yourself when you miss him that badly:
1. Objectively revisit why it wasn’t working. – This seems like a no-brainer, but we often try to smooth over very serious inconsistencies and incompatibilities in our past relationships when our emotions lead us to miss the good times with that person. Look at your old journals. What was it about being in a relationship with that person that kept you up at night and stressed you out? What patterns only worsened over time? What fundamental beliefs didn’t you share? What values did you feel you might have to compromise to keep them? Go there. Be honest with yourself and measure the truth against your emotions.
2. Grab your bucket list and go! – Though new, exciting and interesting experiences don’t completely erase the hurt of the past, they sure are a great way to keep your mind and spirit in a positive place. You have no time to reminisce to the point of obsession and misery because you are out spending your time doing new and wonderful things. By doing something you’ve never done, you’re indirectly affirming yourself and building your self-confidence.
3. Create a positive playlist. – Need I say more? Mix up a list of the most upbeat and inspiring songs you can think of – enough for an hour or two. Listen to that mix when you wake up, in your down time, while you’re driving and when you’re working out. Don’t let yourself sink to a morose place.
4. Make something! – I promise, if you type “affordable DIY projects” into the search bar on Pinterest, your life will change. Whatever your personal interests are, engage yourself in creating things specific to it. Into cosmetics? Try this DIY magnetic makeup board. Into natural bath and body products? Try this list of homemade body butters. Into fashion? Look at this easy way to upcycle an old T-shirt. Get creative!
5. Become one with nature. – This might not be everyone’s cup of tea but being outdoors has proven to have calming effects on the body, mind and spirit. Go for a walk around your neighborhood. Go hiking. Read a book sitting by the lake. Pot or plant some flowers (or a garden) depending on where you live. Have a picnic in your backyard or at the park. Notice the trees, the birds and the insects flying about. Really be present and mindful of how amazing life is and what beauty surrounds you. You’ll be amazed at how it improves not only your emotional well-being but also your health!
Notice that these are all ways you can reel yourself back in. You can do it. You got this, girl.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @ashleylatruly and check out her site: www.hersoulinc.com.