All Articles Tagged "breaking up"
You tried and it was not a match. There were good times, great times even, but the both of you were too incompatible for a stable future. The incompatibilities were blatant, in your face, even unwavering, but you may have tried to gloss over them or convinced yourself that they weren’t there.
Finally, you decided to sit yourself down and have a personal intervention. You carefully weighed the pros and cons. You may have cried, prayed, or devised a plan to try to make things okay so you could keep him, but at the end of the day, the jury came back with the same verdict you always knew.
You’re not right for one another.
So, you buck up and break it off. It hurts, no doubt, and because of the pain you cry and mope around. Time passes though and you are reassured that you made the correct decision. You’re laughing again. You’re thinking of him here and there and you feel no sadness or longing. But then there comes a day when any one of a number of triggers causes you to reminisce. Reminiscing turns into craving and craving turns into longing. The reasons for moving on have grown a bit dim and you’re thinking, “Well, things weren’t so bad between us. Maybe I should call him.”
When you’re teetering on the edge of that fragile moment, it’s important not to make decisions based on fleeting emotion. You don’t want to do or say anything that will cause regret (like sending that emotional text). So, put your phone down. Close that Google window you were about to use to stalk his life through social media. Here are five ways to ensure you make the best decision for yourself when you miss him that badly:
1. Objectively revisit why it wasn’t working. – This seems like a no-brainer, but we often try to smooth over very serious inconsistencies and incompatibilities in our past relationships when our emotions lead us to miss the good times with that person. Look at your old journals. What was it about being in a relationship with that person that kept you up at night and stressed you out? What patterns only worsened over time? What fundamental beliefs didn’t you share? What values did you feel you might have to compromise to keep them? Go there. Be honest with yourself and measure the truth against your emotions.
2. Grab your bucket list and go! – Though new, exciting and interesting experiences don’t completely erase the hurt of the past, they sure are a great way to keep your mind and spirit in a positive place. You have no time to reminisce to the point of obsession and misery because you are out spending your time doing new and wonderful things. By doing something you’ve never done, you’re indirectly affirming yourself and building your self-confidence.
3. Create a positive playlist. – Need I say more? Mix up a list of the most upbeat and inspiring songs you can think of – enough for an hour or two. Listen to that mix when you wake up, in your down time, while you’re driving and when you’re working out. Don’t let yourself sink to a morose place.
4. Make something! – I promise, if you type “affordable DIY projects” into the search bar on Pinterest, your life will change. Whatever your personal interests are, engage yourself in creating things specific to it. Into cosmetics? Try this DIY magnetic makeup board. Into natural bath and body products? Try this list of homemade body butters. Into fashion? Look at this easy way to upcycle an old T-shirt. Get creative!
5. Become one with nature. - This might not be everyone’s cup of tea but being outdoors has proven to have calming effects on the body, mind and spirit. Go for a walk around your neighborhood. Go hiking. Read a book sitting by the lake. Pot or plant some flowers (or a garden) depending on where you live. Have a picnic in your backyard or at the park. Notice the trees, the birds and the insects flying about. Really be present and mindful of how amazing life is and what beauty surrounds you. You’ll be amazed at how it improves not only your emotional well-being but also your health!
Notice that these are all ways you can reel yourself back in. You can do it. You got this, girl.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @ashleylatruly and check out her site: www.hersoulinc.com.
Some believe the hardest types of breakups are the ones filled with hatred and yelling, but imagine having to leave someone you still felt immensely happy with, close to and in love with? It may happen one day and here are a few reasons you might have to break up even if you’re still in love.
For awhile it looked like Robin Thicke and estranged wife, Paula Patton, were definitely going to get back together. But now that nearly two months have passed since Paula announced the separation, chances for a reunion look a bit bleak. Of course, we’re on the outside looking in and who’s to say that the couple isn’t busy privately working things out. However, judging by a recent interview done by Robin’s famous father, Alan, it looks like the couple is still apart.
“They’re doing great [post split] and Robin is pouring himself into the musical artistry,” Alan told ET Canada. “There will be a fabulous album coming out within months… he’s almost finished it.”
When asked if he believes that there is a chance for reconciliation between Robin and Paula, Alan candidly answered that he wasn’t really sure.
“They’re grown ups. I wouldn’t bet on them one way or another.”
As you may recall, back in February Paula Patton issued a statement that the couple would be separating after nearly 10 years of marriage.
“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time.”
I guess we’ll have to stay tuned to see whether or not the split is really a permanent one.
We’ve all heard them and, most likely, we’ve all used them: the lame, not-at-all creative, not necessarily believable breakup excuses. They are cliché, catchphrase, and so common they deserve a place in the dictionary…. or the trash can. They may be all these things, but they are also here to stay.
But, that’s not even the most annoying part. The worst thing about lame breakup excuses is that they are rarely honest: if someone is breaking up with you, you want to know why, and you deserve to know why. What you don’t want is someone with an excuse that reads like it’s written on a teleprompter. “I (insert name here) am just not ready for all this…” And Blah, Blah, Blah.
That is, of course, the bad news. The good news is that lame breakup excuses provide us with, at the very least, blog material. We can poke fun at them, and poke fun at them we will. So, I give you some of dating’s dumbest, lamest, and corniest breakup excuses:
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Ah, the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. An oldie, but not a goodie. The lamest thing about this excuse is that it is a bold faced lie. The person who is using it is really saying, “It’s you, I’m awesome.” If it really wasn’t you, they wouldn’t be initiating a breakup to begin with.
“I’m not ready for commitment”
Taken straight from the “How to Waste Someone’s Time Handbook” comes the commitment excuse. Milli Vanilli blamed it on the rain, and the people using this excuse are blaming it on fear of obligation. What do they have in common? They are both full of crap (yet, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I still have a Milli Vanilli tape…and yes, I listen to it). People who say they are not ready to commit really mean that they are not ready to commit with you. If they weren’t ready to commit with anyone, then why would they be dating in the first place? An exception to this may be the people who insist, from the start, that they aren’t looking for anything serious. They may genuinely run from commitment like Kanye West runs toward a mirror.
Read more about breakups at YourTango.com
Although I hate to admit, I have been dumped a couple of times. Quite honestly, I don’t know too many people that haven’t been. It hurt like hell and left me wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Maturity has led me to realize that getting dumped probably wasn’t about me at all.
A wise friend once asked me who the most important person in my life was. At the time, I replied, “I would have to say my Mom.” He corrected me and said, “No, you are the most important person in your life.” It took me a minute to get where he was coming from, but following a further discussion I realized he was correct. At first, it may seem self-centered, but it really is very logical. Everything you do is about you even if you are doing something for someone else. It is about your choices, your beliefs, your desires, etc. Every action you take in life and every decision you make is rooted in your personal experience, which is why you are the most important person in your life.
Conceptually, I believe this is easier to digest for non-parents as good parents often put their kids first. Nevertheless, it holds true. If you don’t take care of yourself first then, you won’t be able to take care of your kids. Your very desire to put your kids first is all about your understanding and expectations of what it means to be a good parent and the same applies to relationships. We have all dated people who seemed like the perfect person on paper, but just for somebody else. And, ultimately, it wasn’t that they weren’t great it was that they just weren’t for you.
Read more on why Author Nathan Hale Williams says you shouldn’t take getting dumped so personally on Essence.
Way back in Girl Scouts, I learned the song, “Make new friends, but keep the old; One is silver and the other gold.” These lyrics, made relevant again when Diane Keaton recited them for her long-time pal Woody Allen at this year’s Golden Globes, seemed to cover it all. Welcome new people into your life, but don’t let the old ones slip away—simple enough.
True, as kids we were probably more focused on selling Thin Mints and Samoas than questioning the intricacies of platonic love, but what my scout leader failed to even hint at was the possibility that these bonds could evolve into something, well, not so golden.
That’s where I find myself today: reevaluating an old friendship that’s soured over the years. I met my friend—we’ll call her Sarah—when I was in my early 20s and new to NYC. Back then we ran all over town, stretching our meager post-grad salaries at street fairs and happy hours, and generally having a great time. But now that we’re both in our 30s, the air between us has become strained. Feelings are easily hurt and we’re less willing to be vulnerable around each other.
Sometimes I come home from hanging out with Sarah and feel exhausted. I’m hyper aware of small jabs (or at least what I perceive as jabs), and I feel the need to constantly shield myself. I’m not sure exactly how we got here. There’s no dramatic story to tell about her stealing my boyfriend or me tossing a cocktail in her face after a drunken argument. I suppose it was a series of small disappointments that have added up over the past 10 years (I know, totally boring).
So here I am wondering, do I end things with Sarah? Is it possible to break up with a friend?
For all the advice we hear about breakups of the romantic variety, friendship usually gets the shaft. Maybe it’s assumed that we’ll all be great Girl Scouts and just stick to the song. When we do shine a spotlight on adult friendship, it usually doesn’t play out in a meaningful way. Rather than inspiring stories, words of wisdom or stories of the nuanced phenomenon of breaking it off with a friend, we get all-out spectacle. Just look at the Real Housewives of…any city, really. Bickering besties fuel nearly all the drama on those shows, whether it’s NeNe vs. Kim, Bethenny vs. Jill, or Teresa vs. everyone. Are we to only explore female friendships that end in a fury of weave pulling and insult slinging?
This may explain my male coworker’s reaction when I asked his advice about my potential friendbreakup. “Drama!!” he replied. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about drama; It was about being genuine in my relationships and surrounding myself with only people I truly enjoy. “Look,” he said, “I have three good friends and they’ve been my friends since I was 10 years old. Once you’re my friend, you’re my friend for life.”
Read more about letting friends go at YourTango.com
Everybody has that one relationship they forever regret ending—the one that, after doing a lot more dating, they realize was actually pretty great. If you ask anyone why they ended those relationships, you can probably expect to hear one of these reasons. Here are 10 common things women feel should mark the end of a relationship that usually shouldn’t.
Me & this guy met right in the middle of our respective divorces. What was supposed to be a two week rebound for me turned into 4 months–we came to genuinely care for one another. I broke if off gently, saying we should give one another some time to heal. I go to therapy, he goes straight to the next girl (and therapy). However, we “hang out” regularly, and of this his gf is aware. I doubt she knows it’s every weekend. She definitely doesn’t know I sleep over (just sleep for now).
Months pass and for some reason, the chemistry’s still there. The old me woulda cut this off as soon as I heard about the new chick, but since I’d gotten so close to the family, I felt that would be wrong of me. Besides, his parents, brothers, and friends love me and I came to love them too-they were super supportive through my divorce since my parents couldn’t be.
More months pass and he’s still seeing the same girl, but the chemistry between us remains. I try to avoid him as much as I can. Now it’s been a year since he and I stopped dating each other. I’m still not dating by choice. he’s still dating homegirl, still calling me twice a week, and we’re hanging out almost every weekend. I’ve since moved outta state but like an idiot started sleeping with him right before I left. He still calls me twice a week without fail. I’ve been lying to get outta taking his calls for a couple weeks now.
I’ve finally accepted he has no plans to do any self-reflection any time soon, and I want out of whatever kind of relationship this is (side chick? Ex? whatever) and I thought putting a couple states between us would do it. Talking to him just causes me a lot of anxiety, but I still talk to his parents regularly. How do I gently convince this guy to leave me in peace, hopefully without alienating the fam? Or has this ship simply sailed?
– Bad with Breaking It Off
Some women are more than willing to forgive their man for cheating. Some say, and believe, that infidelity can be overcome if the right amount of time, effort, and emotions are put into forgiving. However, even if you are able to forgive your man for cheating on him, you’re never able to forget the experience and emotions that you were put through. Once infidelity has made its way into your relationship, things are rarely ever the same; hence are 14 legit reasons to dump a cheater, even if you think you can forgive him.
Note: These reasons are more pertinent to relationships, rather than marriages.
Breaking up is never an enjoyable part of the dating game, but sometimes it’s more than necessary. The key though, when you find yourself on the wrong side of a breakup, is making you sure a) don’t have a complete breakdown, b) don’t end up in jail, c) don’t end up in the same situation again. Here are 15 mistakes people make after breaking up, so be sure to avoid them if you really want to be able to move on from this.