All Articles Tagged "break-ups"
You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about scorched earth. It’s a military tactic whereby, as you withdraw from a place, you destroy everything that might be useful to the enemy. It makes me think of dry barren lands where no life can grow.
All resources destroyed.
Nothing viable left behind except the memory of war.
This isn’t the letter you think it is. I’m not here to throw shade or disrespect you. I’m not here to scorch the earth underneath your feet. Usually, when I hear about his new partners there is either contempt or indifference. I roll my eyes or suck my teeth at the notion that he could have an adult relationship. I have always thought I scorched the earth — pulled all the soil out from underneath him — when I left.
But life doesn’t work like that for anyone. Love has a way of enduring.
When he told me about you, I knew this was different. He said you were a beautiful soul and I believed him. The words weren’t hollow. They felt true. Another time, when he was inebriated, he told me you saved his life. He told me that the last three years have been hard, and there have been accidents and mishaps. There has been severe depression, and like a thick blanket over his life, you were there. You were the one person he mentioned with a hint of lightness.
So I’m writing you because I’m grateful for your presence in his life.
You don’t do it for me. I know that. And you don’t need my gratitude, I get that, too, but the world is cruel to our men. The world eats away at Black boys until they are souls without bodies, silently begging for more from this life. I’ve known him long enough to know that he looks for places to hide — bottles and capsules where he can place his fears. He drives too fast, yells too loud, pushes too soon.
At times he wants to die, but you keep him connected. You are his reason. For that, I am thankful.
I hope that I don’t haunt your mind like former lovers sometimes do. Trust me when I say that I’m not a threat. I’m not a saint. I’m not an angel or a demon. In fact, we don’t even love the same man. I think that’s a common misconception. The person you love is not a person I know. I will always love the boy I loved at 16, but that person is gone now. You do such a good job of loving the person he is now, and he needs you. The boy I worshiped at 16 needs you as well, so hear me when I say this: I love you because you keep the boy I used to love alive. I love you because, as long as you love him, there’s a possibility that he can continue to evolve. There is a chance he might find peace. Again, you are his reason, and I don’t know how that makes you feel, but I will forever be grateful.
Patia Braithwaite is a New York City based freelance writer. You can find out more about her at www.menmyselfandgod.com.
On our “Baby Before Wedding: Is Marriage Really More Important Than Having Babies?” article, one of our readers left a comment bashing women who think they have the right to “interview” their child’s father’s new woman just because they share a kid together. Now for me, I’m thinking “Duh! Why wouldn’t she?” Because when there’s a child involved in your ex chronicles, the dating landscape is completely different, right?
Hold up, wait! Don’t answer that right now. Before I get you all worked up, let’s throw it back to the beginning of the parent journey, before the headache of new mates was cropped into the picture.
In most cases, when you decide to have a child with someone, chances are, you plan on spending the rest of your life with that person. Even if the relationship with you and the other parent is shaky, you try to make it work for the sake of your baby. Why? Because you want a stable, healthy family structure for your young one. But this is real life. And things don’t always play out as the fairytale fantasy that we desire. So when things fall a part between you and your co-kid-creator, the thought of jumping back into the dating pool as a single parent is probably a little scary—and nerve-racking.
When it’s time to get those feet of yours wet again, you wonder: How open will someone new be to accepting my child? Will they be good with my little Snickerdoodle? It might be a bit tough finding that perfect someone to be around your kid, but as a mom, you trust your own judgment. It’s your ex that you’re concerned about. When your child’s father starts dating again, you fret about what kind of women he would be exposing your baby to now that you are no longer together. And he probably wonders the same thing.
These are all understandable concerns because no good parents wants just any-ol’-body around their youth. But since the two of you decided to call it quits, it was bound to happen. So now that you and your ex are both courting newbies, and things have gotten to a point where these people are around your child, should you automatically be given a pass to start unloading your questions and inquisitions?
Do you investigate your ex’s new love interest?
As evident with our impassioned reader who thought it was a big no-no, not everyone feels like the ex should put on their Oprah cap with the fresh fish simply because a child is involved.
My thoughts? Psst! How could you not agree? Of course the other parent should be allowed to feel out their former flames new love, and they should want to. But let’s be clear, I’m not saying the ex gets a pass to be nasty or insulting, nor should they pry to the point where they overstep boundaries; but it’s completely normal for the other parent to be both curious and concerned about what kind of people are being introduced to their child. They have a right to know. And any person coming into a situation where they’re dating someone who has a child should expect to interact with the other parent in some form or fashion.
Just my thoughts. But again, not everyone feels the same.
What are your thoughts readers? Do you feel like you and your child’s father have the right to question each other’s new mates?
Breaking up is hard to do, but would formal ceremonies that offer closure make doing so a little easier? Reverend Gillian Harris of California sure thinks so.
The ordained minister, who holds a master’s degree in spiritual psychology, believes that decoupling ceremonies are a constructive way for people going through divorce to sort through feelings and the trauma that is frequently associated with ending a marriage.
“The decoupling ceremony enables people to shed feelings of victimization, to recognize shared history and to acknowledge and accept the journey into the future with no baggage,” said Rev. Harris.
The ceremonies facilitated by Harris and her team of ministers are designed with the future ex couple in mind. The process usually begins with a consultation that allows the couple to share what led them to divorce in the first place. The actual ceremony is private and only lasts about twenty minutes. Couples are required to “declare their mutual forgiveness and release.” Candles may be used along with crystals for purification and rose quartz for heart chakra energy. Rings may be removed, and children from the marriage are also welcome to witness the service.
“I feel like our love is deeper and more fully expressed now than it ever was before. I’m newly single and going into it blissfully!” declared one of Harris’ clients a few days after her own decoupling ceremony.
The fees for ceremonies facilitated by Harris begin at $250, and while both partners are encouraged to partake in the function, it is not required.
“Often, the emotional toll of divorce weighs heavier on one party, and we accommodate them,” says Harris. “The decoupling ceremony benefits everyone who places equal significance on ending a marriage as they did when they entered it.”
While I was initially skeptical, I have to say that I wouldn’t be completely opposed to a decoupling ceremony. Considering that so many marriages end with one party grasping for closure, it seems that spiritually acknowledging the end of such a major chapter in one’s life would be helpful.
What about you? Would you be open to participating in a decoupling ceremony with your ex?
To learn more about Rev. Harris and the process of decoupling, visit www.blessandclear.com
A bad breakup can be rough, but it gives us the opportunity to find a new and better love. We all aspire to move on to bigger and better things once the dust settles and these stars were able to do just that. Check out 10 celeb women who upgraded to bigger and better after a big breakup.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve walked down the street and been bombarded by catcalls only to ignore them and then be publicly insulted, I’d probably be up there with Oprah Winfrey in dollars. I’d be rolling in cash. In my interactions with guys on the streets, in relationships, and just in general, I’ve learned that the male ego is just as fragile as a raw egg. When cracked, things just get messy. This is true in all facets of life, including for men in the public eye.
For example, after learning about Ciara’s vow of celibacy with current boyfriend, Russell Wilson, rapper Future came out of nowhere to try and dump on his ex. He did multiple interviews dishing on some of his most intimate moments with Ciara, even going as far as to state that God didn’t tell him to wait to have sex with her, and that they would pray after doing the deed. He also decided to finally explain why their engagement didn’t work out, and of course, he made it seem like it was because she was forcing him to be someone he wasn’t meant to be. Future even publicly scolded Ciara’s parenting skills. He questioned her decision to allow her new beau to be around their son. He said that if he was a kid and his mother had a man pushing his stroller who wasn’t his father, he would’ve “jumped out the stroller and slapped the sh*t out of him.” After months and months of silence, Future decided to crash the party. Did I mention that he was in the midst of promoting a new album?
The male ego is easily scarred and only time can heal wounds. But in the entertainment industry, a man’s bruised ego can quickly produce an ugly diatribe aimed at the same woman he once claimed to love. Take Jason Derulo for example. Even after a very public and nasty split from singer Jordin Sparks last year, Derulo still has a lot to say to the media about how much he is over her and how she is “so behind him.” All this despite the fact she’s the one who has moved on and found herself in a new relationship. In a recent interview with DuJour, Derulo downplayed his three-year relationship with Sparks, which inspired quite a few love songs, including “Marry Me.” He said, “I don’t think true love can be broken so I don’t think I’ve found it yet.”
And let’s not forget the kings of the clap back: Kanye West, Tyga and Wiz Khalifa. One minute they’re in love and the next they have nothing but hurtful things to say about their exes in the media. Suddenly, Amber Rose is a ho and bad mother who you have to take multiple showers after being with, and Blac Chyna has no ambition. Unfortunately, the media eats this kind of dirt for breakfast, but do we ever stop to think about the women catching all of the heat?
Women get bad raps and sadly we always have. We get labeled as sensitive, insecure and high-maintenance. When we’re upset, we get labeled as angry and bitter. But the men we love who trash us on the way out of our lives are guilty of being just as sensitive, insecure, angry and bitter.
Of course, men put up a tough exterior like nothing phases them, but give them a dose of their own medicine (or better yet, move on and be happy!) and they crumble. They break down and turn up just as easily as women.
Celebrities aside, we’ve all found ourselves in front of the moving train that is the male ego when it’s bruised. No one likes to be hurt or publicly humiliated, but men channel their pain in some very vindictive, destructive and dangerous ways. Black women are often accused of being angry, but men, whether on the way out of a relationship or simply looking for some play on the street, can be full of anger.
As for my stressful walks to and from work, some days I find myself nervous about saying “no” to a catcall coming from the guy who spends his days loitering in front of the bodega. I don’t want to be called a b***h or some other hurtful name. Or worse. So I’m left to turn up my headphones, walk with my head down and wonder, when will men learn how to check their egos?
The old adage goes “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Well, tell that to anyone who has had their heartbroken. While some of us are able to channel the emotional setback in positive ways, many of us take a slightly different approach. So in the spirit of encouraging rising above (and not going to jail) we bring you 15 ways not to handle a break-up.
Heartbreak is a horrible thing, but these celebrities may have deserved to get dumped. Maybe they’ll have better luck in romance when they do a little better.
Not one but two love children and paternity suits? Baby mama’s giving up Knowles family secrets on Inside Edition? It’s no wonder Mr. Knowles got divorced. He needs to take a break from the dating game before the Knowles family gets any bigger.
Break ups and divorces can be messy, but when one (or both) of the exes is behaving badly, the aftermath can be even messier. As much as we’d all like to have our Waiting to Exhale moment, there’s a more reasonable way to go about things than setting his stuff ablaze that’ll allow you to be a bigger person, a better ex, and maybe even make yourself a little happier in the process. So, get your big girl panties on and follow our tips to post break up bliss…or something close to it.
Step 1: Keep the Kids Out of It
Trashing your ex in front of the kids is bad enough, but using the kids to “punish” them is just as bad; if not worse. It’s never okay to keep your ex from seeing the kids because you’re sad, or mad, or hurt, or all of the above. So, keep your qualms between the two of you, and when it comes to talking about them in front of the kids, remember: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Step 2: Don’t Use Money As a Weapon
Money. It’s one of the biggest culprits in a break up, which is why it’s often one of the first things exes think to use against one another. Hit ’em where it hurts, right? And nothing hurts like your bank account being drained. If you or the kids actually need the money, that’s one thing; but don’t demand more because you’re trying to get back at him.
Step 3: Respect His Property
Speaking of Waiting to Exhale…. Yes, it would probably be at least a little gratifying to take his things and load it into his car before lighting it all up (“Get yo s#!t!”). But at the end of the day that doesn’t really accomplish anything, unless your goal is to catch a couple of criminal charges. The better alternative? If you still have some items that belong to him, put them all aside — sans the lighter fluid– and ask him what he plans on doing with them.
Another part of property– the home. If he’s the one staying in the space you shared together, treat it as his…even if your name is still on the lease or mortgage. That means knocking on the door when you get there, and not going through drawers and cabinets as if it’s still yours.
Step 4: Respect His Privacy
Just because you know the pass code on his phone and the passwords to his email and social media accounts doesn’t mean that you should actually use them. Sure, he probably should’ve set new ones (and you should, too!), but don’t take advantage of his mistake so you can find out who he’s talking to, where he’s going, what he’s buying, and whatever else you can dig up.
Step 5: Watch What You Say
You may want to strangle him six out of the seven days in a week (take a break on Sunday for the Lord), but that doesn’t mean you need to tell him via text and through a slew of threatening voicemails. If you’re angry, woo-sah and find other ways to vent before communicating with him, so you can do it in a calm, rational way.
Step 6: Don’t Try to Sabotage His Relationships
From his grandmother to his new girlfriend, it can be tempting to taint your ex’s relationships with just about everyone in his life by telling them “who he really is.” Call it vindication, retaliation…. Whatever you want to call it, in most (if not all) cases, it’s not the right thing to do. If you’re still in touch with friends and/or family members of his, let his relationship with them be his, and yours be yours. Avoid talking about him to others and ask them to respect your decision to keep his name out of your mouth when you’re with them.
Step 7: Get Over It
It sounds simple enough, but when people break up, throughout all of the hurling insults back and forth and fighting over any and everything, the one thing they don’t do is take the time to work through their emotions and actually get to a place where they can move on. Hurt people hurt people, and as long as you’re still holding on to anger and not beginning the healing process, you’re going to continue lashing out instead of being a bigger person, a better ex, and a happier person overall.
Breaking up or being dumped can leave a lasting scar that negatively impacts one’s daily activities and well-being. Quite often both men and women are stuck moving forward, and in some cases putting their lives back together.
Moving On: 8 Tips For Getting Over A Break Up
According to Star Magazine, which is, we’ll admit, a questionable source, Detroit rapper Big Sean and his girlfriend turned fiancé actress Naya Rivera have called off their wedding.
The couple, who got engaged after six months of dating are allegedly reevaluating their upcoming nuptials because Big Sean admitted to being unfaithful.
Sources tell Star that the 26 year old Big Sean proposed back in October but didn’t start acting like a man about to walk down the aisle and commit his life to a woman. Star says “his playboy ways did not subside and he suddenly got cold feet.” The source claims, “It was too much, too case for him.”
Star reports that while the wedding is on hold for right now, the couple haven’t ended their relationship. Supposedly, her friends are trying to convince her to move on but the actress is trying to hold on to her man. The sources claim “She’s already picked out a wedding dress and doesn’t want it all to be for nothing…she’s in denial.”
Like we said, this is all heresy at this point but we’ll see how this all plays out.
Whenever a couple breaks up it’s a sad story. But do you believe this one?