All Articles Tagged "break-up"
Sometimes, after you break things off with your ex, you never see them again… not in the back aisles of bodegas, nor at the concerts of mutually-enjoyed musicians. Depending on how your relationship ended, you’re lucky enough not to see their mug again. Then, there are other exes, those who are always around. They are visible, they make frequent appearances, they know your schedule, they ‘like’ everything on your Facebook wall and Instagram, and/or they still talk to all of your friends. Despite the fact that you two are no longer an item, your ex has failed to get the memo that you both need to move on.
Once, I had an ex who called me every day for the next six months after our short relationship ended, even when he’d moved on to another relationship. I had another ex who would tattle to a mutual friend anytime he saw me hanging out with other guys, claiming that I was being “out of control.” Some exes don’t know how to mind their own business, and some of them need to find business of their own. We’ve all had to deal with a person like this at least once.
Some people are unable to step away from their fallen relationships. Geared by certain motivations, they decide to hang around for a number of reasons, including: personal history, lingering attraction, persisting emotion, fear, or not feeling a sense of closure. And, sometimes, people hang around just so they can stay in your system, and remain relevant. While they don’t necessarily want to be with you, they can’t resist an urge to check on you, access you, and/or make sure that your happiness doesn’t exceed theirs. Their actions not being based on wanting you back, missing you, or caring deeply for you, they often behave this way because it’s simply a matter of them not wanting anyone else to be with you. They suddenly see your value once others are appraising you, and that somehow provokes some insane sense of entitlement in them that compels the person to infringe on your time, make off-hand comments, or to be all-around haters.
Even if your ex has your best intentions in mind, (i.e. calling to check on how you’re doing, being emotionally available) it’s important to gain some sort of distance post breakup, otherwise it produces confusion, and the situation becomes murky. Very solid lines that were been drawn when you two broke up can suddenly become blurred, and the thought of “Why did we break up in the first place?” surfaces. It’s easy to stumble back into a relationship, especially when your ex is a concerned and helpful person. This isn’t to say that you and your ex can’t ever be friends or that you and your ex can’t give it a second go, but it’s important to gain that initial distance for a few reasons.
Number one: if you’re not careful, you might end up bedding him simply because feelings were amidst, and you were feeling sentimental and vulnerable. Number two: you don’t want to use your ex, which can be the can be the case with kind overly-attached exes. As flattering as it is that your ex will still travel several miles out of his way to pick up your dry cleaning, you don’t want to take advantage of that kindness, especially if those kind things are are only being done in order to lure you back into a relationship. Number three: if you decide that the two of you should get back together, remembering why you broke up is really important, and a few nice gestures won’t cure ongoing issues. Make sure you take the proper amount of time to digest your break-up before making the decision to get back with that person.
No longer being with your ex grants you the permission to do whatever you need/want to do, despite the fact that a nosy ex can be a naysayer. Try to vocalize your position to your ex if you’re feeling overwhelmed by them, and try to inform them that while their opinions were once held with the greatest esteem, it’s time for them to take a step way back. Like way back and out of the picture.
We Do More Arguing Than Talking: How To Deal And What It Means When You And Your Man Can’t Seem To Stop Fighting
Every couple does it …and I’m not talking about sex, I’m referring to arguing, bickering, quarreling or whatever you’d like to call it. All normal couples fight–be it about jealousy, differences, anxieties, money, sex, work, forgetfulness, children or housework, everyone’s doing it.
There’s nothing wrong with a bit of disagreement. In fact, it can put things into perspective, it can reveal truth, and it can provide understanding about exactly where you and your partner stand in your relationship. However, it’s when you aren’t able to stop fighting that you should be concerned. When arguments become ongoing, trouble seems to brew just as things seem to finally settle, or light bickering becomes biting remarks, then you need to consider what’s happening beneath the surface of all that back-and-forth.
Depending solely on your situation and the level of growing animosity between the two of you, this fighting can mean a number of things –though probably not anything good. While the reasons why couples fight have already been indicated, the underlying explanation for why couples perpetually fight hasn’t been. The roots of these fights can be as basic as one person always made to feel wrong, made to feel inadequate, not feeling valued or appreciated, not properly healing from a previous relationship, the relationship not being made a priority, or issues with commitment. But because of insecurities and a shared inability to be honest, couples tend to argue about everything except the actual issue. When you and your significant other find that you’re in the same argument over and over again, there’s a strong possibility that either someone feels that they aren’t being heard or something important isn’t being said.
So, if you’re afraid that you’re in a crumbling relationship that’s ruled by anxiety and confrontation, there are a few things you can do to assess the situation, and the first thing you can do is sit down and sort out the facts. Divide fact from fiction, worries from realities, and write down the last few arguments that you’ve had, what sparked those conversations, what ended those arguments …if those arguments ended, what escalated the arguments, how disputes are usually resolved, what the patterns are, and if there is something that you want to convey to your significant other that you’re not able to say. You can easily ask your significant other to do the same, hoping that if they are as committed to the relationship as you are, they won’t take issue with putting aside time to understand the complications in your relationship. The aim is to be as honest as possible when examining the rifts in your relationship, and eventually have a candid discussion about the conclusions that you’ve come to. Remember, when you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings, try not to sound accusatory, and be sure that you’re both being heard. If you two are able to get through a frank and honest conversation, and prevail at a better place than you were before, then you should be comforted by the durability of your relationship.
Rihanna won’t let shade from one of her 29 million Twitter followers slide so I don’t know how young Breezy thought he was going to get away with those comments about their break-up earlier this week. Oh wait, he didn’t.
On Monday, Chris Brown let it be known that his short-lived reunion with Ri Ri is now over, saying:
“I cant be focused on wife-ing someone that young. I need to be the best Chris Brown I can be.”
I think it’s safe to say Rihanna turned around and decided to be the worst Rihanna she can be when, according to the Chicago Sun Times, she gave Chris a smooth cursing out for making that statement. A source told the news outlet that when Ri Ri heard what he had to say she picked up the phone and dialed Breezy ASAP.
“She really blasted him, using language that made it sound like she never will get back with him again — no matter what people think.”
It seems Rihanna’s issue wasn’t so much the fact that he told people they were over, but more so how he relayed the message, with the source adding:
“She really thought that was a sexist, degrading thing for him to say,” referring to the “wife-ing“ comment, “Especially after all Rihanna endured after he beat her and all that.”
OK, that last comment sounds like someone “close to Rihanna” got to running their lips a bit too much, but I certainly wouldn’t doubt the rest of that story. — especially since Rihanna had this to say on Twitter.
Settling is not an option! Nothing less than 100% loyalty, honesty, and respect!! Love ain’t for kidz #butimsleeptho
— Rihanna (@rihanna) May 7, 2013
Y’all think these two are done for real?
Did Naomi Campbell Ditch Her Billionaire Boyfriend Because She’s Become Too Busy For A Relationship?
British supermodel Naomi Campbell is a busy woman these days. Her modeling competition television show The Face has been really successful, not to mention her booming modeling career. When you toss some of her other business endeavors into the mix, it’s hard to imagine how the 42-year-old beauty juggles it all. According to Page Six, the modelpreneur has been so busy that she had to call off her 5-year relationship with her Russian billionaire boo Vladimir Doronin.
“Naomi and Vlad have broken up, and he’s been out partying in New York,” a source told Page Six.
The source added that Vlad was recently spotted at the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Hotel flirting with a blonde woman. Although the pair have allegedly called it quits, another source says that since Naomi and Vlad hooked up in 2008, breaking up and making up has become the norm for the pair, implying that they’ll probably be back together in no time.
“Naomi and Vlad have a complex relationship, and sometimes break up and make up. In many ways their relationship is like a business arrangement. Naomi brings glamor to his hotels and properties, and he treats her extremely well. But they spend a lot of time apart due to work commitments.”
I suppose the real story will be told at Campbell’s upcoming 43rd birthday bash, which is reportedly taking place on May 22nd in Ibiza. Of course at this point, these are all rumors and speculations. Representatives on behalf of Naomi have declined to comment on the allegations.
Do you think it’s possible to have a successful career without allowing your love life to suffer?
Remember the first day Goo Goo, real name Thomasina Atkins, introduced Erica and Tina to Justin on an episode of “Mary Mary?” The sisters put ol’boy through the ringer immediately, but that didn’t stop Goo from making things official — for over a year. But now the couple has confirmed that they’ve called it quits.
If you’re anything like us, you might be saying “Good!” Not that we’re happy at the thought of two people breaking up, it’s just that Justin seemed like a bit of a jerk, especially when he overstepped his relationship bounds and rolled up on Mitch questioning him about Goo’s work as a stylist. Regardless of outsider opinion of him, Goo insists the split was amicable, telling AlwaysAList things just simply didn’t work out.
“Justin and I are no longer together. It’s nothing horrible or bad or anything like that. It just kind of didn’t work out. There were some things we needed to work on and they just kind of didn’t work themselves out.
“I pulled back and looked at the overall relationship and I just thought it would be best if we went our separate ways just as friends,” she said before adding that Justin is a “good guy!”
Goo was also quick to defend Justin’s image on “Mary Mary,” and said “demanding schedules” and “her inability to travel to Atlanta as much” were a big part of the reason the relationship ended.
“I feel like the show didn’t paint him in the best light,” she said. “Justin has been the most supportive man I’ve ever had in my life. Very warm, very kind, very helpful. Never threatened by anything. He didn’t have an issue with me being me, he always supported that and that was something I just wasn’t used to. If there was something that was important to me, it was important to him.”
Likewise, Justin had only good things to say about Goo after the split, saying:
“I’d like to thank Goo for being the very best woman in the world,” he said. “She is the classiest and most-caring individual I have met to date, and I will always love her!
“I’d just like to express my deepest gratitude to everyone who supported me and Goo and our relationship. It was not in vain. We are still great friends and I hope that our relationship can just be an example of how mature adults handle life and its seasons.”
We shall see. What do you think about Goo and Justin’s split?
Sometimes it’s not the boyfriend that’s hard to say goodbye to, or the consistent sex, or the person you could text all day long. Sometimes it’s his family. As a good girlfriend, you integrated yourself into your now-ex’s family. You learned about them, let them learn about you, made yourself helpful, accepted their help, maybe even traveled with them and were privy to some of their most intimate moments and issues. They became your family, and family is a hard thing to let go of. But you have to if you’re going to take care of the most important person: yourself. Here’s how.
So we know we weren’t the only ones side-eyeing Big Sean’s coming out with Glee actress Naya Rivera at the “42″ premiere in New York City last week. Though we thought the 20-somethings looked super cute being playful on the red carpet together, we couldn’t help but wonder if Sean was proving Kanye’s notorious “Goldigger” line right: “And when he get on he leaves your a** for a white/light/more popular/Hollywood girl.” In an interview with The Urban Informer of DC’s 93.9 WKYS radio station, he said that’s not the case.
“I’ve been dating [Naya] for a little while. That event (’42 Premier’) was one of the first big events to come up while I was dating her and we were like let’s go to it. I’m kinda a private person and she’s a private person and the thing is I had a girlfriend too before that who I was with since I was like…I’ve always kinda been in a relationship, since I was like 18 or 19 when I got with her and things didn’t work out, but not because of this music stuff. Just because sometimes when you’re with somebody, and you’re 18 and you grow up — and it was long distance. She lived in NY, I lived in LA… you grow apart as people. It was nothing more or nothing less, it’s not like I’ve changed. People look at me like ‘oh you moved to Hollywood’ nah it’s not like that at all. We just really had our differences and it just didn’t work out. It may work out later, we may come back to it, who knows. As far as Naya, it’s something new… Our relationship is cool. She’s tight.”
Well, there we have it. No new money shadyness just “something new.” Interesting that there’s still a window of opportunity to get back with his old thang though. We do know they always come back…
Check out Big Sean’s interview in the video below. Does his explanation make you feel better?
It’s been a long road for Fantasia and her on-again-off-again boyfriend Antwaun Cook. There was the drama with Antwaun’s estranged wife who tried to sue the “Lose to Win” singer in relation to the extra marital relationship that she had with Antwaun. Then, there were those circulating rumors that Cook turned around and cheated on Tasia with Kendra James of Bad Girls Club. Not to mention the public disputes that she’s gotten into with his family since the birth of their son, Dallas. These days Fanny seems to be steering clear of the drama that appears to come along with being emotionally involved with Antwaun. In an interview that appears in the April issue of Sister 2 Sister, the mother of two opened up about the current status of her relationship with Cook and what they’ve both learned from their mistakes.
On her split from Antwaun:
“Me and Antwaun, as of now, we are not together. I think it’s the best thing for us all. We had to learn how to become friends again. There was so much stuff that came out. We were all hurt along the way. There’s trust issues. There’s just a lot of stuff that kinda got put in the mix. And I, at one point, I wanted to make everybody else happy. To love him, to make sure Zion was okay, to make sure everything—but I had to get to a place where I had to learn how to love Fantasia. I never did that, Jamie. And if I don’t love myself, then I can’t be in a relationship.”
“He’ll say, ‘I learned that you can’t play with people’s hearts.’ I think every man gets to a place of knowing that they wanna be faithful and they wanna be good fathers and good husbands and good boyfriends… Things play out for you to say, okay, it’s time for me to man up or it’s time for me to woman up. I think we both have a lot of regrets of how things just happened; it all happened so fast. I just went full-speed ahead and that’s why I was tellin’ you now. I think out everything before I do it. Everything.”
Fanny appears to be making strides in a positive direction. We’re definitely rooting for her and hope that she continues down this path.
“I Never Thought It Was A Relationship” Rita Ora Says She Didn’t Take Rob Kardashian Romance As Serious As Him
Remember a few months back when we told you about Rob Kardashian going bananas on Twitter about Rita Ora after their split as a romantic item? The rant was pretty disrespectful whether the claims he put out there about her were true or not (since adults shouldn’t expose people’s sexual lives on social media…or at least they shouldn’t), and included him saying she slept around on him with 20 guys, and ended it with such statements as, “How can a woman who is so busy trying to start her own career have time to be with so many dudes all while in a relationship?!”
“I never actually thought it was a relationship in all honesty. I never mentally defined it as boyfriend/girlfriend. When I split up with him, I said, ‘It’s because I’m never there, I don’t know how to do it.’ That’s all I said, then … the rest happened. He obviously felt that creating myths was the way forward.”
“When you are involved with someone for a while and they decide to express their feelings to the public, well, that’s not my personal way of therapy but I guess everyone takes split-ups differently. You should have to sit an exam before you go on Twitter. To see if you’re mentally stable.”
A couple nights ago, I had finished speaking on a panel about Black Men and their presumed “Wishlist.” After the panel discussion ended people in attendance were encouraged to mingle with one another for networking or potential future dates. As me and one of the other panelists worked the room to thank people for coming out and answer any follow-up questions, we came across a young man who opted out of the networking part because he said, “I’m taking time to focus on myself.” It’s a surprising answer and position to be in because many times women are under the impression that men cannot be alone. However, men do spend periods of time alone and they are fully capable of doing so without necessarily having a warm woman to tide them over.
A few years ago, I had just broken up — or had a situation fizzle — and I embarked on a very unhealthy few months of life. I had experienced so much drama that I began to project some of that frustration onto other women because of my inner pain. I went out too much, I drank too much, I lied too much (and didn’t care when I got caught in those lies), and overall I made a lot of bad decisions. At some point when I realized exactly how unhealthy my behavior was becoming I decided to take 90 days for myself. I wouldn’t talk to any women, I wouldn’t date any women, and most importantly I didn’t sleep with any women. It was a very personal time for me, I stayed to myself and kept myself out of temptation’s way. Prior to the 90 days ending, I decided that I would extend it to 120 days, and then 180 days, and eventually it ended around 210 days, but I had succeeded in emotional rehabilitation.
I think that the presumption that men can’t be alone for any period of time is not one that has no basis or reasoning. I know several men and women who are incapable of being alone because they aren’t really big fans of themselves. Yes, that’s the real reason. It’s not about being lonely and taking lesser options, it’s about being with yourself. I knew that the anger that I was projecting was coming from a place of hurt or frustration with myself. I started writing more, I went to the gym frequently, I picked up new hobbies and I began to rebuild and repair myself, not many men are willing to do that.
It’s that lack of self-examination that causes a lot of men to continue to bang their head against the wall in their love lives. Men tend to tell themselves that they can engage in sex with women and have no attachment to them, or not really want the long term commitment. While a man may be able to do that in the short term, he must understand that while women may establish emotional connections that sometimes prevent them from having meaningless sex, men have ownership issues. Spike Lee’s movie, She’s Gotta Have It, should always serve as an example of why men can’t exist in situations in which they don’t have any ownership. Therefore, I don’t think men can just keep the company of women with no real expectations or while recharging their emotional availability before the next relationship, it simply doesn’t make sense.
To bring this home, can men be alone? Yes, they are fully capable of being alone. I think that women afford men the excuse that they can’t be alone and men capitalize on that allowance. My advice for women is to not allow that to be the case. Just as much as men recommend women be alone for a while to figure out what they really want in life and who they want to be, women should challenge men to do the same. In addition, be ready to hear and understand men who are truly alone and not looking. Don’t be quick to tell him that he’s a liar or that it’s impossible, that’s surely not going to help the situation. I would advise that women be supportive and encouraging. Above all else, I would recommend being a friend because the type of man who can shutdown his love life for personal development is one who is maturing in the way that you want to see more men become in the future.
Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated. Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.
*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.