All Articles Tagged "break-up"
Trying to build a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person can be an extremely draining and frustrating experience. Although there are many who attempt to tear down the walls in an effort to win the heart of their emotionally unavailable love interest, most fail and wind up with their hearts broken in the process. At times, the signs of a person struggling with these emotional issues can be pretty apparent. Other times, they can be masked and mistaken for something else. Are you unsure if the guy you’re seeing is emotionally unavailable? Check out these signs and hopefully you’ll be able to come to an accurate conclusion.
Clutch describes what has to be on the list of every woman’s nightmares: You’ve announced the you’re getting married, invitations have been sent, the bridesmaids have been alerted, the venue and the cake have been chosen. And then the unthinkable — he calls off the engagement.
Once that sinks in and many, many tears are shed, you have to start going about cancelling the wedding. The final step is deciding what to do with the ring.
“In the case of etiquette versus the law, etiquette says that the ring should be returned. But according to the legal system it all depends on where you live, who broke off the engagement and how you received it,” the article says.
In places like New York, New Mexico and Michigan that have no-fault divorces, there are also “no-fault engagements,” so you have to turn it over. In California, it depends on who broke off the engagement. If it’s the lady, she has to hand over the goods.
In Montana, the ring is considered a gift and no matter what, the recipient gets to keep it. The author thinks this is appropriate. We’re going to disagree in favor of etiquette and the no-fault states. In those places “an engagement ring is considered a gift in contemplation of a marriage.” But it’s not just in those places. Anywhere in the world that a marriage proposal is offered and accepted, it’s in contemplation of… yes, a marriage.
If the engagement is terminated, the sentimental purpose of the ring is also. Rather than asking why he would want the ring back, you should ask why one would want to keep it. For the money? Perhaps during the course of planning the wedding, you’ve made deposits that are now forfeited. If you’ve mutually decided that the ring is meant to cover those expenses, then fine. It’s no longer a symbol of love and devotion, it’s an item with enough value to be used towards the cost of the failed wedding, which is now a failed business transaction. The former couple should now feel free to trade it in to mitigate the financial damage as much as possible.
But in all things, one must act with honor; be your best self, as Oprah might say. A difficult situation is made only more difficult when you have to have awkward or angry conversations about the sorts of matters that too intimately mix the emotional and practical.
The ring was intended to be a tangible expression of your feelings of love. When the love is gone, the ring should go with it, back to the giver, the first step in wiping your slate clean so you can move on.
What do you think?
It was a beautiful Autumn Saturday evening. The ground was covered with rainbow colored leaves, the wind was blowing just enough to give the perfect breeze while inhaling the fresh scent of a fall evening, and the sky was the perfect shade of royal blue. I was headed out for a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, after I spent the day shopping and pampering myself. It seemed as though this was the perfect day and I was going to culminate it with the perfect evening, so I had every reason to be happy, right? Wrong.
When I arrived at dinner, I was seated quickly at a table for two. The waitress came and went through her routine, then asked if everyone in my party had arrived. Before I opened my mouth to answer her I smiled slightly, swallowed my tears with squinted eyes and said yes. She said okay and walked away to give me a moment to look over the menu. As I browsed through the menu, my stomach felt a little squeamish. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was starving, upset about the fact that I would be dining alone, or if it was my unborn child moving about.
To be honest, I think it was a combination of all three. So luckily for us the waitress returned quickly and took our order immediately. Shortly thereafter, my phone began to ring. It was my child’s father. He was calling to see what my plans were for the evening because he wanted to get together to talk. I told him I was at dinner and invited him to join me. He declined, and then began asking me a number of questions about the status of our relationship; you know those questions that let you know that he’s trying to subtly break up with you, but he wants you to get fed up and end it first so it’ll look like you wanted the relationship to end. You know the questions, where do you see us going? Do you really think we’re compatible? With each question he asked, my heart sunk in with every answer I gave him because I knew where he was going with this conversation. After about ten to fifteen minutes of engaging in the final exam of what would be the beginning of the end of my relationship with the father of my child, he finally said to me, I think you should find somebody you are compatible with because it’s not me. With tears coming down my face, yet hiding the fact that I was crying I said okay, I’ll keep you posted on the progress of the baby. He said okay, and we both said goodbye. When the conversation ended I was absolutely devastated. As tears continued to stream down my face, so many thoughts and questions raced through my mind. How was I going to raise a child as a single mother? Will he be involved in our child’s life as he should? Am I now another statistic? That’s okay, we don’t need him anyway... So after the random thoughts and questions stopped racing through my mind, I finished my dinner, went home, cried some more and started my process of accepting the fact that I would be a single mother.
The next few days, weeks and months were extremely difficult for me because the relationship with the father of my child ended abruptly without logical explanation. As I tried to move past the relationship ending and move forward to facing my new reality I did some soul searching and reflecting. During my process of soul searching and reflecting I asked myself a number of questions in regard to my relationship with my son’s father and why I was so devastated when it ended.
My first question was, why did I want to be in a relationship with a man that did not want to be with me? Answer, because I had love for him (or at least what I thought was love), I was carrying his child, and I wanted us to be a family. My next question, if I wasn’t pregnant, would he even want to be with me at this point in our relationship? Answer, probably not. My last question, why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who brought drama to my life, and was not concerned about me or our unborn child? Answer, because at that time in my life my self esteem was at an all time low, I wanted us to be a family, and I couldn’t see the drama because all I wanted to see was what I wanted. After my soul searching process, and the birth of my child I came to grips with the reality that I was a single mother, and I had to learn how to be okay with every aspect of it.
So as I moved forward with my life without the father of my child, I learned a number of valuable lessons. I learned about the joys and struggles of being a single mother by being there whole heartedly for my child, finding the joy in everything we do and watching my child grow. I’ve learned how to be a better, stronger and more confident woman internally because I know I am the primary example of what a woman should be in the sight of my child. I’ve learned how to balance my career and motherhood by managing my time better. And last, I’ve learned how to be single and extremely happy. How did I do that? By trusting in my Creator for guidance and finding the joy in being a single woman. This was indeed a difficult journey, but it was worth every lesson learned. Now that I look back on that night my relationship ended with the father of my child, I smile. I smile because I realize that if he had not ended our relationship I would probably have tried to continue on with a relationship with him that probably would have been detrimental to my health, his health and the health of our child. Letting go of the feelings I had for my child’s father was not easy, but I’m glad the door was closed on that relationship because it opened the door to so much more!
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
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Relationships can be extremely hard, and ending them can sometimes be worse, particularly if the relationship was troubling or even abusive. If you’re not careful you can sit back and think/obsess over all the time that you “wasted” on that individual. Remembering times when you were being used, feelings of anger and mentally replaying over and over how that person screwed you over can sometimes lead you to the land of bitterness.
Now don’t get me wrong, you have every right to be mad. If you’ve invested a large amount of time in someone, the relationship went southward and it started to affect the way you see yourself, I’m not trying to rob you of your indignation. I’m trying to help you so that two years after said breakup, you’re not cussing strangers out in the street for wearing the same socks as your ex.
So go ahead, get angry, listen to those empowerment songs, and throw away his/her pictures. But when you get done mourning and being angry, maybe these few things can help you to bypass the bitter feelings so you’re not trapped in a emotional remake of the movie Groundhog Day:
Get it all out – So many times when things go wrong, we end up rehashing them because we haven’t allowed ourselves to really express how we feel. We feed ourselves a falsehood by saying: ”If I don’t think about it then it won’t be that bad.” Actually, it makes it worse. Those dormant feelings will continue to bubble under the surface, just waiting for any opportunity to pop back up. Address how you feel, how things went wrong, why you hate that stupid shirt he/she wore. Get it all out. Once it’s all out, you’ll feel a lot better.
Don’t think about what-ifs – The man who I married (and am now divorcing) was highly sought after at the job where we worked. All most everyday was frustrating for me because I would constantly walk in on these women propositioning him as if I didn’t exist. When we made the decision to end our marriage my mind kept on going back to: ”What if I would have just took a step back and let those women have him? Maybe I wouldn’t be going through what I am right now? They would be the ones angry and running after a toddler by themselves while I’d be living some preposterous hyperbolic lifestyle.”
The problem with all of this is, it wasn’t them. It was me. What’s the point of rehashing what could have been? This is your life, this is what you decided and this what you have to deal with. Now, it might not be pleasant, but thinking about the alternative routes that you should have gone down is only distracting you from making better decisions in the future. Forget the what-ifs, just learn better for tomorrow. Like I’ve read somewhere before: “Life is like a camera, focus on what’s important, capture the good, and develop from the negatives.”
Realize that you’re better without him/her – If the person you were involved with was a class A douche, instead of being bitter about all of the crap he did, be happy that that loser is finally out of your life! Celebrate it! For me being in an emotionally abusive relationship where I wasn’t allowed to see my friends when I wanted to after we broke up I remember sitting back thinking: ”I can’t believe he used to isolate me like that.” Now I can go, see and talk to whoever I want to! My dorm room wasn’t a prison anymore and I finally had the freedom that I didn’t have. Instead of thinking about how much of a jerk he was, see the great things that you now have access to because he’s gone!
Take Yourself Off the Pedestal – Okay, this is going to be a little touchy for some. But, it’s important. Sometimes when you’ve been hurt, you can sometimes go from feeling bad about the situation to feeling bad for ourselves. That’s only a slippery slope to victimization and wallowing in your own self-pity. Yes, what happened to you was horrible, but feeling sorry for yourself is just going to keep you in that terrible space and validate your feelings of bitterness. We’re working away from that.
Everyone who comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I’ve had my share of both, and in essence, everyone was a blessing since the lesson is the blessing. I never regret a relationship. I do sometimes regret my own actions that may have hurt another person, but in any relationship that goes sour, if nothing else, it has taught me what I don’t want in a mate.
I’ve learned a bunch of lessons that when applied make me much happier and at peace in my interactions, yet one of the most simple, and least followed pieces of advice I’ve heard is this.
Things that leave you feeling bad, do less of. Things that leave you feeling good, do more of.
Many of us live in the moment. We convince ourselves that even though the relationship has brought us more bad than good, Mr. or Mrs. Right Now will suffice for the night, or the month, or the year. And when we do end the dreaded fiasco, we find ourselves back in his or her life one Friday night when we had nothing better to do. We convince ourselves that although nothing good has ever happened after 2am, tonight will be different and so instead of going home to bed, we have one more drink, locate the number that should have long ago been deleted, and send that text.
I’m guilty of falling victim to past loves like a drug addiction I just can’t shake. But any recovering addict will tell you, the greatest struggle is in the mind. In order to get over an old habit, you have to replace it with an equally satisfying good habit.
It’s not enough to simply learn a lesson. We have to find practical ways to apply it if we really want to see change in our behaviors. My last love affair ended because I didn’t see a long term future in the works for us. Let’s call him Omar. I enjoyed him in the present, but I knew the present was all we would ever have. My problem was that when the weekend rolled around, as much as I wanted to be the woman who had plans since Tuesday, I simply wasn’t, and boredom often got the best of me. I would call Omar, spend the evening with him and wind up feeling drained and let down after it was all said and done. “What? I did this again?” was a recurring question I asked myself. Whether the question referred to dinner, a movie, or sex, I scolded myself for allowing him to linger in my life.
So like a good parent, I took away my own privileges. I call when I’m vulnerable, lonely, or bored, so the quick and easy way to eliminate that possibility was to delete his number. Done.
Secondly, I decided to make a list of the bad qualities in Omar and all of the reasons I decided to end my relationship with him as a reminder to not go back. I tucked that list under my pillow and read it every night before I went to bed. After time, the bad things were all I could remember and those feelings of desire subsided.
Lastly, I made plans for myself to fill my downtime doing things I loved and was interested in doing. I signed up for a free class to hone my creative side. I found fun events to attend in the city, even solo. I made time to reconnect with old friends and family who really had my best interests at heart.
I’m not an member of the independent woman, “I don’t need a man” club. I enjoy men. I prefer to have one in my life, if it’s a relationship that edifies me. But one last great piece of advice I heard from TD Jakes is this: When the man of your dreams does find you, let him find you …busy.
Herina Ayot is a freelance writer living in Jersey City by way of New York. She tweets @ReeExperience.
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Three years ago when I ended my five-year relationship–the longest in my life–I knew it was over. Or so I thought. It took me a year and some months to really end it. I doubled back a couple of times, the relationship walk of shame I like to call it. I went back because it was hard adjusting to single life. I went back because the nights would get especially lonely every once in awhile, but every time I found myself back with my ex, I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. But for a time, I couldn’t stop.
The other day I was scanning a celebrity break up list and noticed a good number of the people on the list had or were already reunited with their exes. Eva Longoria and her young boo, Kobe and Vanessa (I’m confused too), Nicole Scherzinger and Lewis Hamilton; Their reunions beat the speed of a celebrity blog post, which is no easy feat. This made me wonder, does anyone end a long-term relationship and leave it alone cold turkey?
A few weeks ago a close girlfriend shamefully admitted that she’d hooked back up with her scumbag ex. It was like watching a drug addict in the midst of a relapse; she rocked backed and forth, drew out the time before she could tell us–her circle of close friends–what transgression had transpired. After she’d confessed that she backpedaled, she continuously expressed how guilty she felt: “I can’t believe I did it. It won’t happen again…” I was upset with her, and a part of me wanted to shake her to remind her that this man cheated on her, numerous times. I wanted to remind her of his controlling ways and all the ”side chicks” that were blowing up her spot while they were together, but she didn’t need my reminder. She knew her ex was no good, and she hadn’t forgotten all the wrong he’d done. She didn’t want him back, or so she’d expressed to us all, and I believed her. I knew what she was doing. I’ve been there, yet it didn’t stop me from shaking my head at her step back.
As we consoled and scolded her, one by one we slowly but surely admitted that we’d been there, a couple of times in some instances. The room quieted down, and I can only imagine that everyone in the room was reliving their shame all over again. I know I was. Then it dawned on me, “Why should I be ashamed?”
The relationship walk of shame isn’t new to anyone. I’m pretty sure I’m not dropping a piece of knowledge on you that you’ve been longing for. Why is it so hard to accept it? Why are we so hard on our friends and even on ourselves when they’ve gone back to a less-than-worthy ex for a brief moment? Are there people out there who say bye and never look back?
I’m sure someone will have a story about a relationship or person they knew that walked away and never looked back. However, I suspect if I actually spoke to this person, really grilled them, they’d have a rocking back and forth confession moment too. In all fairness, I’m sure there are relationships out there that end, period. But in my life, all those relationships seem to have happened on television. My mom has done the walk, my siblings have done the walk, countless friends, and of course, myself.
Maybe the walk of shame has to happen for some. Sometimes the walk leads to reconciliation, which is all good if that’s what you want, but many times the shame walk can be helpful in doing the complete opposite. Often it can be closure–a little reminder of why you left in the first place. The shame helps confirm that you shouldn’t have anything to do with that person or that situation, and in the end, the “shame walk” can be the thing you need to keep on walking.
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Who said that breaking up with a boyfriend or husband is the only tough breakup your heart will have to deal with? Anybody who has had to separate themselves from someone they used to consider another family member knows that the grieving process after the end of a lengthy friendship isn’t easy. But at some point, like with all break-ups, you have to learn and move on. It will take some time, but in the end, you should try and achieve the following in the process.
1. Think Back And See If You Did Everything You Could To Work Things Out
Most people feel conflicted about the break-up of a friendship with their best friend if they leave on messy terms. Was she mad at you about something you didn’t know about? Were her issues or your reasons for feeling a certain way vague? If you know that both parties were never really on the same page about why they were mad, you might want to try and seek full closure with that friend. Especially if you can’t seem to stop talking about it with anyone who will listen.
But if you know that you tried to reach out to this friend and be as understanding as possible and they still weren’t happy, then you have to let it go. Same goes for when a friend betrays you. If you know that what this person did was something you won’t be able to get over (and will bring up constantly) or they broke the trust in your friendship, your reasons are pretty justified in parting ways. But if feelings of regret come up, it’s never too late to reach out. Things might not be the same later on, but if you know you want that person in your life in some capacity, put the pride aside.
It’s always fascinating to see relationships come to an end. Although kind of sad, it’s crazy to see a couple proclaiming to the world that they want to spend the rest of their lives together one minute and the next minute they’re calling it quits while proceeding to drag their exes name through the mud on Facebook.
It can be exceptionally difficult when the relationship doesn’t end on amicable terms. No one likes the feeling that comes as a result of being dumped. Men, especially known for their pride and egos, may find it difficult to hear those four words from their significant other: ‘I need a break.’ Because this is real life and no one can technically take an indefinite time out from something as serious as a relationship, everyone usually knows that these four words mean that a break-up is what is really being hinted at.
Although the ending of a relationship is usually nothing pretty, it doesn’t have to end in a screaming match or result in one person getting blasted via social networking. There is such a thing as proper etiquette for exiting a relationship. Besides being considerate of the other person’s feelings, here are 7 ways to bow out of a relationship gracefully.
Soften The Blow
Don’t let the last thing your ex remembers you saying to be,”If only the sex was better” or “Sorry, James is more financially stable.” If you must highlight their shortcomings, let it be the first thing that you mention and end with all of their positive attributes. If you can’t think of anything positive to say, this may be one of those rare instances where lying is okay.
A wise man once said that if you take the amount of time a couple has been together and divide it by two, you’ll get the amount of time that they’ve been breaking up. A relationship never just ends the moment both parties agree to go their separate ways. Just as it takes time for a bond to be formed, it also takes time for a bond to be broken. Women are infamous for holding onto relationships well after they’ve started falling apart, even if they themselves have checked out of the relationship. Here are a few signs that you’ve done just that.
You know the song, “Why can’t we be friends?” I know that’s everyone’s jam and what not, but sometimes, there are just some people in life that you can’t get too friendly with. Are ex-boyfriends some of those people? Depends on your situation.
In the past, I’ve come out of a serious relationship with a guy, gone through the Roscoe-from-”Martin” snotty nose and a face full of tears, played all the Mary I could, and cried to my mom for about an hour, only to come out on the other side happy and glad to move on. My ex did the same–without all the dramatics–and even got himself together to start a new relationship. While I had no issue with that, I should have had an issue with the fact that he wanted to still be friends with me. “We were friends before all this and I don’t want to lose that.” Riiiight.
So like the fool I was, not necessarily hoping or thinking we were going to get back together, but not seeing why being his friend would be a problem, I agreed we could be cool. Boy, was that the worst idea of all time. That friendship didn’t work out for a majority of reasons, some I shall share with you in a second, and it helped me realize that with some people, when you’re done with them, you really need to be done. If you think you want to be friends with your ex, keep an eye out for these habits/signs and keep in mind the following things, because he could end up being as much of an issue as he was when you were in an actual relationship.