All Articles Tagged "boyfriends"

The Surprise Reason Why You Still Stalk Your Ex

April 16th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango 

Let’s be honest: when it comes to stalking your ex, your detective level is on expert. From creeping his latest pictures with his new girlfriend to going through his statuses just because they’re readily available, you hardly notice when your digital stalking becomes a full-blown habit. Why is that? Even though you swear that you’ve moved on, there’s a small part of you that can’t help but wonder how he’s coping without you.

Is it possible that there’s more to this than curiosity or jealousy?

Intrigued by human behavior, University of Missouri School of Journalism’s Kevin Wise set forth to crack this code through the use of facial EMG sensors which, when connected to the eye muscles, detect the levels of positive reaction stemming from visual stimuli. In his study, the assisstant professor of strategic communication closely documented the facebook activity of over 30 subjects.

In the results of his social experiment, he found that most of the participants used facebook to search through the pages of both friends and former partners; he believes that his findings show that people often experience an instant “emotional gratification” from connecting to fellow users through their personal pages. While Wise sees facebook “social searching” as a form of emotional bonding, other critics aren’t as ready to accept this conclusion.

Read more about stalking at YourTango.com 

Why Mean Girls Finish First When Dating

April 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Hello Beautiful

We all know the cliche, “Nice guys finish last,” but what about us? Nice girls finish after way after nice guys. Think about it. There’s books dedicated to men loving witches with a capital B. When women are apathetic, no-nonsense and could care less about what people think often serves as a challenge for men and we all know that men love challenges.

Nice women who are loyal, supportive and just want honesty and respect in return usually get the short end of the stick. I know because I’ve been all of these things to men and have seen my stick get shorter and shorter.

Somewhere along the way, romantic and genuinely sweet gestures have become annoyances and expected, so they are never truly appreciated. Love cannot be bought or earned. The receiver of the nice treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened or just ungrateful.

A few years ago, I met this adorable guy named Gavin. He was tall, smart, funny, ridiculously sweet and attentive. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. One night, Gavin wanted to hang out, but I explained to him that I was going to be celebrating my friend’s birthday at a local restaurant.

Gain sighed heavily, “And after?”

His desperation was adorable in the first couple of weeks. He loved spending time with me and was never shy to vocalize that. But after the hearts and stars in my eyes began to fade, I became increasingly irritated by his urgency. “After, I don’t know. It’s Lisa’s birthday, so we’ll probably be out,” I rolled my eyes. “I have to go babe. I’ll call you when I’m done.” I hung up, ready to complain to my girlfriends about how thirsty Gavin was becoming.

“I can’t believe you’re complaining about your boyfriend wanting to spend time with you. Why are you even with him?” One of my girlfriends challenged my disdain.

Continue this story about being nice in relationships at HelloBeautiful.com 

Caught In The Act: I Pretended To Be Another Woman Online And My Boyfriend Tried To Date Me

February 28th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Essence 

Dr. Sherry,

I’ve been with the father of my twins for four years and I know he is cheating on me. I have the password to unlock his phone and I’ve seen text messages from other women from dating sites. I even got into his Facebook account and saw that he was messaging other women. Then, I checked his
Voicemail and I heard a message from another woman. One day, we got into a fight and he told me that he’d only been with me for the last four years because of our twins. I honestly don’t think he loves me at all; he doesn’t even know I found out all of this stuff.

I even set up a fake profile and he responded to and said he was single. When he used to talk about me to other people at a class he would call me his “baby mother,” not “girlfriend.” Over Facebook, he asked a woman in the class if he can gown down on her. Now, again, he doesn’t know I know all of this. I broke up with him and told him he was free to sleep with whomever, but now he keeps trying to sleep with me! He also denies cheating altogether. What do I do with this liar?

Signed,

Anonymous

Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com 

The Importance Of Starving Negative Relationship Patterns And Feeding Positive Ones In 2014

January 2nd, 2014 - By La Truly
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Watching the mess that Ms. Joyce was making of her own daughter’s life on The Real Housewives of Atlanta AND the way in which Kandi cowered instead of putting her mother in her place makes me wonder how many of us deal or have dealt with the same type of issue. Even watching poor Tahiry cut off the ever-manipulative Joe Budden (but not really) on Love and Hip Hop New York reminds me of the fact that many of us at different points in our lives have suffered way more at the hands of meddlesome, untrustworthy, harmful relationships than we’ve ever needed to. It makes me wonder how many of us would inadvertently and purposely carry these same poor relationship patterns into the new year. In the past I have felt the sting of tears in my eyes after discovering that friends really could not be happy for me, no matter what good things came my way. I’ve endured countless talks with friends about why this man or that man I was interested in was no good for me when, in reality, some of these men were great catches. I mean GREAT. I’ve also battled with letting go of romantic relationships that clearly were dragging me down and not lifting me up.

Reflecting on my default of putting up with such toxicity in relationships has made me wonder, why did I do it? What am I trying to accomplish by allowing sisters or friends or boyfriends or my mother to infuse my life with negativity? Why do I feel I must endure it?

Loyalty? Respect? How much loyalty is a significant other showing me when they cheat or treat me unfairly? How much loyalty is a friend showing me by deciding to hate every good thing that happens in my life? How much respect is a sister or mother showing me when they meddle so terribly in my personal affairs and destroy my relationships?

Shouldn’t loyalty and respect be reciprocated? Shouldn’t I have enough respect for and loyalty to myself to check the people in my life when they are behaving negatively towards me? Loyalty to someone doesn’t mean that I silently take abuse or ill-treatment. Respect doesn’t mean that I must go along with everything someone says or does.

With the new year here, I have a new resolve to feed the positive aspects of my relationships and to starve the negative. This includes loving those who pour affection and encouragement into my life and setting specific and fortified boundaries with those who drain and exhaust me. I have accepted that this does not mean I love or appreciate any one person over another. It simply means I choose to live my best life. Living my best life is only possible when I take responsibility in and for my relationships.

I’m taking self-love and self-care into the new year with me. What doesn’t elevate, needs to be stopped. What doesn’t promote growth and happiness will not be a part of my 2014. I deserve to be as stress-free as possible. I deserve to enjoy life and to be surrounded by those who genuinely enjoy it as well. I have a say in how I’ll be treated. I have a say in how my new year will progress.  And I say, positivity over everything.

To Ladies In The Place With Style And Grace: 9 Beauty Pledges To Your Boyfriend For Movember

November 7th, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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From StyleBlazer 

Happy Movember, StyleBlazers! The worldwide occasion aims to raise funds for men’s health program investments and start conversations about men’s health. Men observe the month-long, annual campaign by growing out their facial hair, particularly their ‘staches.

Since we can’t and wouldn’t want to grow facial hair of our own, last year we observed Movember with a moustache themed shopper. This year we’re celebrating Movember with a pledge (or several). For many of us, our boyfriends and husbands are the closest men to us, which means they have a front row seat to all the chaos from our fashion and beauty obsessed existences.

Read more at StyleBlazer.com 

“He Says We’re Just Friends But We Have Sex. Am I A Booty Call?”

October 8th, 2013 - By Madame Noire
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From Essence

Hi, Dr. Sherry,

My name is Mandy and I just broke up with my boyfriend about a week ago. The thing is, he keeps calling and texting me. And when I do answer his calls and texts, he starts flirting with me and then tells me that we’re just friends.

We still have sex. Am I just a booty call to him or does he still have feelings for me and just doesn’t want to admit them? I am beyond confused here and I need help. What does he want from me? — Anonymous

Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com 

Why I’m Taking A Year Off From Men To Get To Know Myself Better

October 3rd, 2013 - By La Truly
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To live a year free of “romantic pursuit.” That is my goal. Most of the single men I know scoffed with disapproval when they got wind of my decision, even after I explained my reasoning. Honestly, I could not see what the big deal was. I wasn’t dating any of those particular guys anyway.

I’m no man-hater. I’m far from depressed or bitter. I’m not even looking to promote some self-sufficient pseudo-feminist agenda.

I just want to explore me.

I have always thought of myself but behaved in terms of other people. As a child I tailored my behavior to please relatives; everything was done to avoid “getting in trouble.” I stifled the better part of my creativity and swallowed my dreams because they were “silly.” By my teenage years I was behaving to be acceptable to family AND to gain the attention of the boys around the way. When I entered college, I was behaving in such a way to assert my status as a well put together young woman who was going to change the world AND was trying to land a man. I loved the idea of a relationship and felt overwhelmingly inadequate when my girlfriends would swoon about this date and that boyfriend, these flowers and that romantic getaway. Internalize all of that emotional chaos from childhood through college and you’ve got a tangled, emotional mess. I spent a lot of time trying to make myself visually appealing to men. I thought if someone would JUST want to pursue a committed relationship with me, I’d be less of a mess. I’d be…worthy.

In all of that posturing, though, I took a step back and came to terms with the fact that I had failed myself miserably. I failed to really take the time, and the leap of faith to explore who I am, what I like, what I dislike on my own terms and not me + someone else. I had for so long been weighed down with others people’s opinions and ideologies that I had no real ideas, ideologies or comforts of my own. I wore weaves because he said he loved the look on me. I killed my feet in stilettos because those are se*y, right? I was a little less outspoken because he wasn’t really into deep conversation. I choked back any talk of my faith because he hated it.

I had been chipping away at myself and there was little to nothing left. Just leftover scraps that I was trying to plate into a meal for myself. I was starving.

How silly is that? How unfortunate is that?

My ‘Aha!’ moment solidified that I needed a break from the love chase and the “cutie runs.” I wanted to live free of wanting (or needing – depending on my mood) someone to text before bed or craving one person’s affection in particular. What would my life look like if, for a period of time, I distanced myself from seeking a romantic relationship, and just focused on myself? How might my world change if I embarked on a real journey of self-discovery? If I took myself on dates? If I thought of myself on my own terms? If I spoke as loudly and often as I wanted? If I pursued dreams that no one else backed? If I dressed for ME and not to catch someone’s eye?

For one year I’m giving up the boos, the “hims,” the flirty texts, the friend/lovers. Instead, I’ll be re-centering my focus on the project of getting reacquainted with myself on my own terms with nary a man-chasing moment to distract me.

La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check her out on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

Is Your Boyfriend Decisive About Your Future Or Just Sliding Along?

July 26th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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From YourTango

When it comes to relationships, it can be difficult to know what direction you two are going in. Will you be a successful couple? When will his parents meet you, and will that go well? If you get married someday, will it work in the long run? These aren’t easy questions to answer, but there are certain kinds of daters who statistically seem to do less well in longterm relationships.

According to new research, men fall into two longterm dating categories: ”sliders” and ”deciders.” Sliders are men either who take the next step because they think it is the “right” thing to do; they slide into it. Deciders do it because they truly want to; they made a conscious decision.

The trouble with sliders is that they are 40 percent more likely to get divorced than deciders — something that could make anyone worried when it comes to settling down with a partner they want to completely commit to.

So, the question is: Is your boyfriend a slider or a decider?

According to YourTango expert Marla Martenson, author of Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting, sliders “might have been living with a woman and just got married to make her happy, or all of his friends are married, so, why not?” Martenson also notes that partners who haven’t solved their issues with commitment and marriage, or waited until they were ready, could wind up dealing with those problems later on, thus leading to a divorce.

YourTango expert Janet Ong Zimmerman, author of the forthcoming book How to Attract a Man Who Completely Loves and Accepts Me: The Empowering Three-Step Approach to Create True & Lasting Love, says there are traits that could indicate more of a “decider” personality in certain men. If he “has been in stable, long-term relationships, comfortable with commitment, he’s trustworthy (does what he says he’s going to do), takes the time for both of you to get to know each other, he woos you, makes you a priority, makes future plans with you, introduces you to his family and friends, he’s at a good place in his life, wants to get married, and is comfortable with discussing marriage,” then he could be more willing to commit fully and make the relationship last. In other words, he’s more likely to be a decider.

Read more at YourTango.com 

The Reason He Can’t Read Your Mind

June 25th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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From YourTango

When it comes to what women want in relationships, men (no offense, guys) seem pretty clueless. Why can’t they understand women and are women expecting too much of their boyfriends and husbands?”There’s something within us that we want that to be understood so profoundly and so completely,” Barbara Becker Holstein says. “It will not happen. We have to be very explicit.”

“Women like to express themselves,” Carmelia Ray says. “They communicate their feelings and guys aren’t great at that. So they expect them to know exactly what they’re feeling and exactly what to get them.”

Read and see more at YourTango.com 

When Women Have A Boyfriend And Boo On The Side–And They Get Along

April 5th, 2013 - By Liz Lampkin
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A while ago I attended a party with a few friends and co-workers. While everyone was dancing, eating and drinking, I sat down next to one of my friends and we began to chat about the atmosphere. As we chatted and gazed around the room, we noticed something a little odd. We noticed that a mutual associate of ours was wrapped in a very intimate embrace with her main male squeeze…nothing too peculiar about that, but what was odd was that while we observed her intimately embracing her main squeeze, we also saw the man she was dating on the side standing next to them, watching them as they embraced; and not only that, during the embrace, she gazed into the male “Misteress’” eyes and he smiled at her. When this moment ended, they all stood there talking and laughing as if they were all best friends.

Now this may not seem strange to some, but it was to my friend and I who were observing this scene, because both men seemed aware that she was being intimately involved with both of them. Again, this may not seem too out of the ordinary for some, but ladies what I want to know is, is it okay for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get along, especially when they both know about her relationship with them both?

Some may say yes, as long as both men know where they stand, and they aren’t disrespectful to each other, which is a very valid point; but how respectful is it knowing that the woman they are involved with is intimately involved with someone else? And you know who he is! Personally, I think this is disrespectful to both men, and the woman. Why? Because both men deserve to be with one woman who will engage in a healthy, monogamous relationship with them, and give them all of the attention they need (if that’s what they want). It also shows disrespectful actions from the woman. How? Because as a woman, she should have more respect for her man and herself, and should respect the relationship she is involved in. Now I know many of you may be thinking, but men do this all the time and no one seems to have a problem with it! While this may be true, what we fail to realize is that some mistresses do struggle with being the other woman; but they keep their struggle inside.

Relationships are hard to maintain with two people involved, and when there is a third or even fourth party involved, things can really get crazy because of the emotional attachments that can occur. It is my personal belief that it is not cool for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get a long, or even know each other at all, because as I stated previously, it’s disrespectful to the men involved and the relationship(s). Even if the men involved are okay with knowing each other and knowing their position, you never know what they are saying about the woman behind her back to each other, and other men. The art of discretion is a gift that is a part of a woman’s natural being.  Practicing discretion as a woman is a must, especially when it comes to our intimate affairs and our relationships. If you have a main squeeze and a side dish, or you’re just seeing multiple guys at one time, keep them separate for your own self-respect, and for the sake of the self-respect of the men involved. Even if they don’t care, you should because showing and giving a man the respect they deserve in any type of relationship will make you a better woman and them a better man.

Ladies do you think it’s cool for a woman to have their main squeeze and their side dish know each other?

 

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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