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A while ago I attended a party with a few friends and co-workers. While everyone was dancing, eating and drinking, I sat down next to one of my friends and we began to chat about the atmosphere. As we chatted and gazed around the room, we noticed something a little odd. We noticed that a mutual associate of ours was wrapped in a very intimate embrace with her main male squeeze…nothing too peculiar about that, but what was odd was that while we observed her intimately embracing her main squeeze, we also saw the man she was dating on the side standing next to them, watching them as they embraced; and not only that, during the embrace, she gazed into the male “Misteress’” eyes and he smiled at her. When this moment ended, they all stood there talking and laughing as if they were all best friends.

Now this may not seem strange to some, but it was to my friend and I who were observing this scene, because both men seemed aware that she was being intimately involved with both of them. Again, this may not seem too out of the ordinary for some, but ladies what I want to know is, is it okay for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get along, especially when they both know about her relationship with them both?

Some may say yes, as long as both men know where they stand, and they aren’t disrespectful to each other, which is a very valid point; but how respectful is it knowing that the woman they are involved with is intimately involved with someone else? And you know who he is! Personally, I think this is disrespectful to both men, and the woman. Why? Because both men deserve to be with one woman who will engage in a healthy, monogamous relationship with them, and give them all of the attention they need (if that’s what they want). It also shows disrespectful actions from the woman. How? Because as a woman, she should have more respect for her man and herself, and should respect the relationship she is involved in. Now I know many of you may be thinking, but men do this all the time and no one seems to have a problem with it! While this may be true, what we fail to realize is that some mistresses do struggle with being the other woman; but they keep their struggle inside.

Relationships are hard to maintain with two people involved, and when there is a third or even fourth party involved, things can really get crazy because of the emotional attachments that can occur. It is my personal belief that it is not cool for a woman to have her main squeeze and her side dish get a long, or even know each other at all, because as I stated previously, it’s disrespectful to the men involved and the relationship(s). Even if the men involved are okay with knowing each other and knowing their position, you never know what they are saying about the woman behind her back to each other, and other men. The art of discretion is a gift that is a part of a woman’s natural being.  Practicing discretion as a woman is a must, especially when it comes to our intimate affairs and our relationships. If you have a main squeeze and a side dish, or you’re just seeing multiple guys at one time, keep them separate for your own self-respect, and for the sake of the self-respect of the men involved. Even if they don’t care, you should because showing and giving a man the respect they deserve in any type of relationship will make you a better woman and them a better man.

Ladies do you think it’s cool for a woman to have their main squeeze and their side dish know each other?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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From Your Tango

Have you ever wondered why some great men date women who seem … beneath them, while other guys date women who are way out of their leagues? It makes no sense! Still, you see these types of couples all the time.

Well, after meticulously observing these types of couples and analyzing them instensely, I discovered that there are five kinds of men who tend to date women who just don’t seem like a natural match. Here’s who those guys are and why they date the women they date:

Read more at YourTango.com.

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Men are creatures of action more than of words. Sometimes to get a man to do what you want, you need to give him something to react to. You need to do something that will kick his butt into motion. And hey, men already like sports. So why not play a little game sometimes in love?

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From YourTango

When it comes to giving gifts, we love how generally low-maintenance men tend to be. We could wrap up an iTunes gift card, slap a bow on a bottle of bourbon, or even throw together a basket of homemade cookies, and they’d be happy, mostly.

But what happens when your man has all the latest toys, or a tie just won’t do on your big anniversary (no matter how nice)? Or, better yet, what if you’re bored with all the usual gifts?

That’s where we come in. We’ve scouted some great gifts so that when the next [fill in any occasion here] rolls around, you’re prepared with something he’ll never forget.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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…it depends.

When it comes to men, women, and friends of said women, situations like this can either go completely fine or horribly awry. On a macro level, it’s a bit difficult to answer this question with a catch-all answer that will satisfy everyone. After all, I don’t know all the women of the world, or their friends, so I can’t really speak on that level. What I can tell you about is my own personal experience, and from a personal/observational standpoint, most of the time a woman has nothing to worry about. But you know who that usually depends on?

The woman.

A few questions need to be answered to assess the threat level in a woman leaving her boyfriend around her friends, such as: How much has the girlfriend told her friend about her boyfriend? What kind of details has she shared with said friend? Did any of it involve sex? And if it did involve sex, how deep (no pun intended) did those conversations go? What kind of relationship does the girlfriend have with her “friend” and how close are they really? The most important question of all though may likely be, “what type of woman is the girlfriend’s friend?”

Asking these types of questions is a great way to determine whether a woman leaving her friend and her boyfriend in the same room without her presence is a smart move on her part.

A part of me believes this situation is overblown. In reality, when it comes to taste in potential partners where sex or a relationship is at stake, I doubt something happens. Plus, as I’ve seen on countless occasions, both men and women have this ongoing allegiance to their friends that is strong enough to override any potential interest anyway. It’s almost like some mechanism kicks in where people say “nah, you were messing with my homegirl, so I can’t even look at you like that.”

On the other hand, as a man, I can say that some of the reasons why I’ve been with women were by “referral.” And when I say “referral,” I mean their friend talked me up to the point where her friend just had to come see for herself. I’m not sure how much that happens overall, but I do know that it happens and I can understand why women would take precautions against that.

And now, for a story.

I was in a situation once where I was chilling with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of hers came to visit. My girlfriend and I were on the couch and her friend was sitting on the floor (college years with no furniture) in front of us. We were engaged in a conversation about the time I gave my lady a ride while another woman my girlfriend didn’t know was in the car with us.

The girl was a neighbor of mine who asked for a ride home and in the midst of transport my lady called and made the same request. My lady was telling her friend how that didn’t go over well (big surprise there) and how she thought my neighbor liked me. As we’re all laughing her friend says, “well Real, you’re pretty cute. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I’d definitely try to see what’s up with you.”

I laughed.

She laughed.

My lady gave this strange half-smirk. It was an expression I knew well. The kind of expression that said “yeah…that ish isn’t funny.”

I honestly didn’t think anything of it. Afterward though, my girlfriend never left me in the same room with her friend again. Like…not even for a second. I never thought anything was going to happen, but I hadn’t ever been privy to any types of conversations had between them about me. For all I knew, her friend knew all types of “personal information” that would have piqued her interest which led her to say something like that.

But like I said, women know better than men which friends to leave around their boyfriends and which women need to be watched harder than Barack Obama on a leisurely stroll through Central Park at midnight. In the end, there’s no one size fits all option when it comes to whether it’s a good idea to leave your friend and boyfriend in a room alone together, but I certainly don’t believe it to be an overblown reaction if women choose not to. I’m just one man though, so tell me what you think.

Ladies, do you have problems with leaving your man around your friends alone? Do you think there’s a chance either he would make the play or she would? Who would you hold responsible if you left the two of them alone and something went down?

Hit the comment box and let me know how you feel.

Peace.

For more on RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SingleBlackMale.Org. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com

Searching for people on Facebook. Making “surprise” visits to special someone. Repeatedly messaging people over and again despite no response. If you think any of these behaviors are normal, guess again, you might be one step away from being a stalker. Yes, we normally think of a stalker as some creepy person who tries to murder you in your sleep, but believe it or not, it doesn’t take much to display stalker characteristics. In fact, many people do little things, without realizing they’re being a bit of a stalker themselves. Here are some things you might be guilty of doing that show the stalker in you after all.

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Creating a fake profile on Facebook

There is is reason why Facebook is called facebook, and not Facebooks. Why? Because you’re supposed to only have one account! Somehow, people seem to think creating multiple Facebook accounts is okay. It’s understandable if you want to keep work professionals away from personal content,  but when you’re using this account to add friends you wouldn’t normally add from your usual account(an ex maybe?), or to look at profiles you wouldn’t usually look at, you are being a stalker…

As you struggle through the confusing, turbulent and dizzying world of dating, you’re going to have a lot of people and situations to analyze. But, analyzing is exhausting, and it can get you hung up on someone you should have walked away from a long time ago. So know this: the answer to any situation can usually be whittled down to one of these universal truths about humans.

Source: MTV.com

President Obama has often referenced his daughter in the past few months on the campaign trail, mostly in reference to protecting women’s rights. But this time, in a recent interview with MTV’s Sway, the president spoke about his biggest concern for Malia specifically. Sway came at the president with three potential fears he has for Malia. See what he had to say.

I really dug the part about the girls finding men who recognize their worth. Something tells me that this won’t be an issue for Malia or Sasha.

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From Your Tango

It’s no surprise that most people engage in premarital sex, but one new study found that even if we look at surveys going back for decades, we see the same prevalence of the behavior.

Very few people actually wait until marriage to have sex — less than 10%, according to Lawrence Finer, research director at the Guttmacher Institute. That’s been going on since the 1950s, contrary to the common belief that couples were more chaste back then.

Yes, it’s normal to have sex before marriage, meaning that almost everyone does it. After all, there are few things more tempting than the urge to make love with the new guy you’re falling madly in love with. But is it healthy?

Read more at YourTango.com.

Sometimes you are more than willing to turn an ex loose. You snap the weight of that relationship from around you like you snap that constricting bra off at the end of the day. You’re giddy, joyful like a slave who has just received her freedom papers and a one-way train ticket North.

Then, there are the relationships that leave you curled up in the fetal position, watching The Notebook on replay, ugly-crying Kim Kardashian style into the same three balled up tissues you’ve been using for the past four hours. Nothing matters in the world. Not food. Not your job. Not even your hygiene. You’ve drank ONE glass of OJ all day, called out of work and haven’t shaved your legs. You simply can’t rest for wondering, crying, hoping and praying over the desperate, pitiful remains of your love, feelings and broken emotions.

Yeah, it’s that intense sometimes.

I’ve experienced the former and the latter. While the latter is obviously the most difficult to push through, it’s also the most rewarding to push through. I cried my fair share of tears but at the end of the day, I had to get tough with myself. I fixed my face (and LORD, did that take some fixing), took a shower, shaved my legs, hid The Notebook DVD and laid out some serious honesty for myself. My ex had not changed. In over six years of on-again-off-again contact with him, he had not changed. At 26 he is the same game-playing, insecure, lazy little boy that he was at 18. Am I bashing him? Absolutely not. I can attest to his good qualities as well. The only trouble is that while he may be a good-hearted person, all the ‘good-heartedness’ in the world just AIN’T ENOUGH.

I took inventory. Had I grown? If the answer was ‘Yes’ (which it unequivocally was) then the choice to completely and wholeheartedly walk away from him would be clear, yes? Yes. It should be easy, yes? No.

Sometimes women, as the more nurturing of the two sexes, feel the need to coax, coddle and coerce boys into being men. Wrong. All wrong. If he is not engaging his own free will to become better, there is little you can do or say to persuade him to. I had to stop and realize that my support is and will only EVER be supplemental to my ex’s determination to mature. If he lacked that determination, all the support in the world would do him no good and would drain me in the process.

I looked in the mirror one fateful day and true to the form of any endearing chick flick, gave myself the illest, most girl power-esque pep talk possible: “Girl, you have come too far. You have learned too much. You know what you deserve and it’s not him. You did all you could do to show him how much you loved him. He didn’t get it and that’s not your problem anymore. Something so much better is in store for you.”

I fed myself smaller gems in the same vein as that pep talk whenever I felt weak or lonely. I got busy working, getting involved in the women’s empowerment ventures I had become so passionate about, mentoring young ladies, writing, traveling, spending more time with friends and family. Things were happening. Life was drawing back its curtain and showing to me all the glorious inner workings of its full production. I was falling in love with living, instead of existing. And sure enough a week, a month, a year and a half sauntered on past me. I looked up and thought about him for the first time in ages and felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

When I got busy working on ME, that’s when the real healing process started happening. It was like a chemical reaction. Getting to the crux of who I am, what I enjoy, what I’m passionate about is what made all the difference for me. I had no time to bemoan the ruins of a failed relationship when I was out exploring, meeting, seeing, doing, loving and living. But I had all the time in the world for growing.

While I wish him well, I have slowly but surely moved forward by knowing and fully UNDERSTANDING my immense worth. You’ll never get what you deserve if you never understand and fully believe in who you are. People can tell you until they are blue in the face but until it all penetrates your brain matter, it will just be words and you’ll still settle for less than everything you’re worth.

I may have held the blue ribbon for “World’s Ugliest Ugly Crier” back then but please believe holding the title of “The One That Got Away” feels so freakin’ fabulous now.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.