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From HelloBeautiful

I promise you. He is not intimidated by you because you are an independent woman. Yes, you are holding your own in the workplace, making your own money, paying your own rent or mortgage and even buying your own bags and shoes, but I PROMISE, he is not intimidated by that.

It’s something else, and it’s more than likely your failure to turn off that bulldog that has gotten you so far in your career when all a man desires is your beautiful smile and womanly presence. I know this, because I have said a man was intimidated by my being an attorney and I have been proven wrong!

In my first year in law school, one of my female professors shared with us how her husband had to talk her off the ledge of being over-the-top with her family. She stated that as a litigator by trade, she would come home and find herself cross examining her three year old about peanut butter and holding depositions with her husband about the most miniscule details in carpooling. She also shared that it was not helping out in her marriage and/or family life and she had to learn how to scale it down for the sake of her family.

Read more at HelloBeautiful.com

Source: Shutterstock

From Essence

Q: I need your advice for the problem I’m facing now. I’ve been dating my boss for nearly a year and we agree to hide our relationship from our colleagues because we want to avoid any gossip that might affect our working environment. Fortunately, both of us can separate our personal and professional relationship. Well, until now.

He is a nice man and he likes to flirt with the girls in the office. He does it jokingly, but unfortunately, many people misunderstand his gestures. They think that he’s falling in love with them. Right now, the real problem is with his assistant. She and my boyfriend are very close professionally and personally. One day, I accidentally read their messages, and I found out that their relationship has become more than just friendly. She was admitting that they are dating each other. At that time, I told my boyfriend about this and asked him to let me out of his life if he really likes his assistant.

He insisted on maintaining our relationship and convinced me that the messages were only romantic words, which meant nothing to him because he was just being nice to her. He told me that she must have just misunderstood. I know that she has a tough life and she is a lonely girl. I just thought that she might need someone who can be there for her and she found it in my boyfriend and therefore considered him her boyfriend too. Either way, this matter is still annoying me and I cannot control my heart and my mind every time I see them together. She doesn’t know that he is my boyfriend, and she always tells me stories about what happened between both of them and even sometimes asks me for some advice. I’m trying to be neutral, and not say too much, because I just want to be fair to both of them. It really breaks my heart and it’s distracting.

My boyfriend knows about how I feel and always convinces me that he loves me and will not cheat on me. My heart says that I can trust him. Please, tell me what I should do. How I can control my jealousy? Should I still trust him? I would really appreciate for your help. Thank you!

See what advice celebrity psychologist Sherry Blake has for this woman on Essence.com.

Internalizing every little thing is a sure way to dig yourself an early grave. I should know.

Years ago I had this pretty cool job and tried so desperately to please my boss. I thought she was the ish. She moved and things happened. She could command a room with little to no effort. She was envied and honored among her peers. Even if some of them didn’t like her, they couldn’t help but respect her work ethic and the fact that she got things done. I was enamored with her glow. I wanted to show her that I was worthy of my position, that I could be the best. I sought her approval like a dog digging for a bone.

I put in late, unnecessary hours. I spent days pouring over new ideas, getting things JUST right, eagerly anticipating her approval. But I could feel something was out of kilter. We weren’t vibing no matter how hard I tried. I would pitch something to her and she would give it a half glance. She came down on me for things that were far beyond my control and barely spoke when something I had done was a success. I can’t lie – I cried many a night, wondering what I was doing wrong. Why did this woman seem to loathe me when all I wanted was her esteem? I saw her as a mentor! I was busting my butt for her praise and getting sideways looks and whispers behind closed doors. What the EFF?

It took a long talk with my pastor and one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements to find the answer to my sad little prayers.

My pastor was always known for being a straight shooter and true to her cut-and-dry form she said to me:

“You put too much trust in people. People ain’t God so LATER for what they think!”

I felt pretty stupid for having wasted so much time taking my boss’s disdain personally when I KNEW I was doing everything in my power to please her. But therein lay the problem, didn’t it? Just like my pastor said, I was so busy trying to please people instead of consulting with God and simply doing my best that I was panic stricken more often than not. I wasn’t enjoying life. I wasn’t happy even though I loved my work. I was even having appetite and health issues as a sad result! She was going on, enjoying her life, never knowing the extent of my pain while I was confused and hurt and worried day and night. Crazy.

I came across the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and the second agreement hit me square in the face:

“Don’t Take Anything Personally”

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

I checked myself. I had been busting my butt, doing my best work. I had no reason to be trapped underneath my boss’s bad attitude or disdain or whatever her problem was. I was allowing myself to suffer for things I had no control over. I was a panic attacked hot mess worrying and wondering. A willing victim. And I was so tired of it.

I realized that I had been basing most of my life around what others thought, what they felt about me. I took every little thing so personally never realizing that sometimes (if not MOST times) a side eye, an unwarranted insult, a snub really had absolutely NOTHING to do with me.

Everyone acts/reacts toward others according to the condition of their own spirit. If something has transpired during the day that has thrown you off kilter, it’s your decision whether or not you will lash out, harbor hard feelings or overcome it. The other side of that coin was the side I had not seen until the situation with my boss, which is this: Just like our action or reaction is based upon what’s going on internally, so it is with how we respond to the way others act toward us. I hadn’t taken the time to self-evaluate and self-affirm, so I allowed anybody and everybody else’s internal conflicts to ruffle my feathers, to define who I was. I victimized myself without even realizing it.

Thankfully, I was able to begin my own personal healing process before I left that particular job. And though I believe my now ex-boss still hasn’t gotten past whatever issues she seemed to have been harboring against me, I learned a valuable lesson, changed my outlook and haven’t had a panic attack since. Your issue is your issue and life is short enough without me taking a few more years off with worry and grief. I choose peace and peace chooses me.

La Trulyis a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

iStockphoto

Your boss’ background is a mystery oftentimes. Sure, you might have the CV stuff, where they worked before and how they got to the position they’re in. But you only know that person as “the boss;” the person who says “yea” or “nay,” signs off on stuff, and leads the meetings. You don’t really know the ins and outs of their daily path up the ladder or the inner life that they lead now.

After getting hooked to the TV show Undercover Boss, Antoine Moss, writing for Black Enterprise, discovered that actually, your boss has a few secrets that ought to be revealed. Among them: “They have weaknesses and are sometimes afraid to step outside of their comfort zone.”

Moss makes recommendations for putting your boss in perspective and establishing a good working relationship. For more, click through to BlackEnterprise.com.

At first glance, you’re probably thinking that this is about teaching you how to kiss some major behind. No, not quite, you will not have to buy a new stick of Chapstick to follow the guidelines here. This is not about kissing butt or giving unnecessary compliments to your boss that you don’t really mean, but rather about drawing attention to your skills and learning how to get credit for your hard work. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself in situations that will display your character and what it is that you have to offer.  Here’s exactly how to do it:

Don’t miss deadlines

Don’t squeeze in that stop at the coffee shop when deep down you know you’re running late. First and foremost, before you can go the extra mile, it’s important that you are at least satisfying the minimum requirements of your position. There’s no point in trying to impress your boss if you are constantly showing up late to work, slacking on your assignments, or missing deadlines. You have to be a good employee before you can be a great employee. Follow the rules and regulations set forth by your company.

Take initiative

If you see one of your co-workers struggling with a task, don’t just walk away because it’s your lunchtime…take initiative. You shouldn’t have to be told to do something needed before you offer to do it.  Not only would you want the same help if you were in their position, but as the saying goes, what goes around comes around. If you lend a helping hand to your colleagues, or ask your boss if there’s any extra tasks that they may need help with, you will not only be showing what you’re knowledgeable about and what you have to offer. At some point, you will receive credit for your hard work whether it be through receiving a promotion or using what you’ve done as good experience for future opportunities.

Volunteer

Don’t worry; this isn’t as bad as it may sound. Yes, it is most ideal to be paid for your work, but what if the things you are volunteering to do don’t feel like work at all? These include organizing social events for coworkers or planning fun activities for staff members. In most workplaces, something like this would be called a “social committee.”  What’s most beneficial about being an employee with spirit is that rather than show off your work-related skills, it will draw attention to your amazing character. What a great way to show that you’re a kind, friendly and fun person to be around then to help plan fun things for the office.  Sure it might not get you a raise, but it will definitely put you in a position to ask for a raise later. Plus, it will get your name out there to those at the company who matter that might not have known that you existed before.

Quality over quantity

It’s one thing to make deadlines, but it’s another thing to actually hand in something that deserves to go straight into the trash. You’ve heard this saying time and time again…”quality over quantity.” There’s no point in taking on extra tasks if you’re doing them all wrong and constantly making mistakes. Yup, your boss will put an end to those extra tasks pretty fast if you can’t do them properly. Make sure you are doing things right by checking them over, and using proper guidelines.

Ask for feedback

Sometimes when you want something, all you have to do is ask. It’s important that you regularly ask your boss for feedback. Not only will this help you to improve your skills by knowing what to work on, but it will also show your boss that you are eager to learn and want to be the best employee you can. By speaking to your boss regularly, you can go from being just a regular employee who meets expectations to an extraordinary employee who exceeds expectations. This will help you gain that competitive advantage that will help you move up the ladder.

Love your job

There’s no point in following any of these tips if you don’t love the job you’re doing and the work environment that you’re in. If you actually care about your job and the well-being of the company, you will naturally find yourself doing the things that will prove how great of an employee you are and what you’re capable of. If you don’t actually love your job, you’re not going to care to do any of the things that will help you impress your boss. Even if you somehow manage to trick yourself into thinking you like your job, your real feelings will be reflected in your mood and in your work, by making careless mistakes, or by even trying to cut corners. In other words, the odds will be stacked against you. Do yourself a favor and put yourself in the right mood to succeed. You can create the atmosphere you’re in.

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Source: crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com

Scenes from Awkward Black Girl come to mind: Nina the ‘fish-smelling’ office manager accosts ‘J’ and perpetually makes her life a living hell for any number of reasons. Sometimes, bosses and managers simply aren’t very friendly–sometimes it’s within their nature to remain withdrawn and to refrain from overly fraternizing with employees. But know this, and know this well: there is a clear and finite difference, however, between a manager being reserved or indifferent, and showing outright disdain towards an employee.

Everyone has been there, some live there and some can’t walk into their places of work without being confronted with an eye roll, insincere smile or a cold shoulder. Your manager can hate you for a number of reasons including, but not limited to, jealousy, arrogance, ignorance or attraction. Here are four major signs/scenarios so that you’ll know if it’s all in your head or if your boss wants you gone.

Smiles At Everyone But You

You arrive to work in a chipper mood, ready to take on the day; and just ahead, you see your manager. They’re moving through the office with a positive demeanor, smiling at every Tom, Rick (since the D-word won’t suffice on WordPress) and Harry, but when you approach them, giving a vibrant, “Good Morning,” all the energy drains from their face and the only response that is mustered up is a lackluster, “Hello” as he/she surveys you with their eyes. Trust, it’s not that you need that person’s approval or Kool-Aid smile, but when it’s clear that you’ve become the less than favorable employee and you don’t know why, nor are you told why, it’s clear that somebody doesn’t care for you.

You Catch Hell For EVERYTHING

You’re at your workplace and it’s a hot summer day. As it’s a business-casual environment, many women are wearing a skirt or dress–including your manager, yet they’ve singled out your attire as being “inappropriate.” He/she insists that they’ve spoken to you several times about your clothing (even though they have NOT), and they make a point of reminding everyone what they shouldn’t wear, just moments after publicly ostracizing you. You might think you look exactly like your colleagues, but to your boss, who can’t stand you, you walked in dressed like Joseline Hernandez, baby.

You Can Do No Right

Following a performance review, you’ve discovered that your manager is dissatisfied with your work. He/she does not share this privately, but instead they share their feelings with you in front of your colleagues. Because you want your manager and your fellow employees to see you as a an exceptional employee, you begin to work harder, struggling to put in extra time and extra effort, but when it comes down town to another evaluation, your manager only slightly acknowledges your “minor” improvements in front of your coworkers, but privately praises you later. Or even worse, you work hard and even go the extra mile, but your boss can only seem to point out what he or she doesn’t like about your work. Unappreciated much?

You’re The Example

There is a staff meeting, and all of the employees on your team are called into the room. The meeting, which is supposed to discuss progress and policies, almost immediately gets directed towards you. Going as far as to say your name, your manager spends more than half of the meeting time discussing you and your faults or talking strictly to you in front of everyone, stating that you routinely abjure rules–mentioning only one brief instance when you may have made a bad call. At the same time, he/she only briefly touches on the fact that some of your fellow co-workers have committed much heavier grievances, including losing very important accounts due to negligence. Things that could have been discussed in private are discussed around your colleagues in an attempt to “set you straight.”

–

Do you relate to any of these scenarios, and are you suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of resentment or angst?  Well, try not to be. Know that the best defense against a manager who doesn’t like you is to kill them with kindness. While this may seem less desirable than, let’s say, punching your manager in the face, recognize that if you were to give your manager anymore cause for complaint outside of whatever arbitrary feelings he/she has for you, then that person may really strive to get you fired. And if that doesn’t work, if you fail to charm your manager despite all of your efforts, then strive to charm everyone else, including your manager’s superior, by doing great work and just being a bigger and better person. Also, if you find that your manager is also mistreating another co-worker of yours, decide that person is an ally and take notes, or at the very least, you’ll have someone to complain with.

Whether you know it or not, there is still a recession going on. This means that there are plenty of people in line for employment and would love to have a job just like yours. There are seven things you can stop doing at work to avoid being in the opposite position.

Check the list…

Consistent Absent/Lateness Excuses

First you don’t feel well. Then you missed the bus. Now there’s no hot water in your building. Every week, it’s the same thing in a different order. In the beginning, there was sympathy and understanding, now the job just needs to get done. The remedy for all three of those situations is easy: get your act together. One, don’t make calling in sick a habit. Two, get up earlier so that you’re not missing the bus. Three, boil some water and hit the hot spots with a ho* bath. People with 101 excuses about why they can’t show up to do what they get paid for are some of the first individuals employers look to get rid of when layoffs need to take place.

Source: forbes.com

What do you do when you are physically attracted to someone at your job? We are used to passing attractive people in the street or on the subway, but we usually never see these people again. But when that person is in the next cubicle over, things can sure get awkward. When we see people over and over they really begin to stand out to us. Having a coworker you are attracted to can be a recipe for disaster though. You see them every day, make cordial conversation about the weather or traffic coming in that morning. All the while, you are both scanning each other, sizing each other up. There is a certain seductive factor that goes into office romances. But there are many reasons why becoming more than friends with someone at your job might not be the best idea. Here are some reasons to stay away from office temptation:

With all the reality television being served to us on platter, it’s no wonder that talk of bullies has become more and more common in the circles of adult women. They’re no longer just lurking on schoolyards, folks. Some bullies don’t grow up (mentality wise, but they do age), and in fact, you can find them not only on TV (hey Tami), but at your job, or even in your circle of friends (*gasp*). They might pick on you a little, or they might make it their mission to spend their every waking moment talking to you crazy and treating you like something they scraped off of their shoe. These individuals could even be you. If you were wondering what are a few things that make someone an adult bully, we’ve got a few examples for you.

• You’re irrational as hell: A bully truly wouldn’t be a bully if they didn’t run around making the least amount of sense possible. They might tell you, “Don’t talk about me behind my back!” but will run around and talk about you to someone else like you are dirt in the road. The concept of “treat people how you want to be treated” doesn’t apply to them because that’s no fun. They would rather make your workday or your life a living hell by acting as though whatever small thing you may have done (but real talk, you probably didn’t do anything at all…) warrants them trashing your name to anyone who will listen.

• Confrontation is your best friend: There’s no reasoning with a grown up bully. You can’t have a real conversation with this person without them yelling at the top of their lungs, pointing their finger in your face or acting like a fight will ensue. The reality of the situation though, is that in most cases, the bully’s bark is bigger than their bite. They just want to jump in your face and think you’ll go cowering in a corner so they can have a reason to treat you badly and “keep you in line.” Intimidation is what a bully thrives off of, so instead of talking to you about what their beef is, they’d rather exchange your name for the b-word and make everyone think they’re tough.

• Your victims are always people who won’t fight back: Remember how I just said, “Intimidation is what a bully thrives off of”? Well, it’s true. As long as they feel that you fear them, they will continue to come at your head when they really need to be putting themselves in check. However, the minute you step up to them and let them know there’s just so much you’re going to take from them (or lay hands on them–but I really don’t recommend that), then they leave you be. You have to stand up for yourself and let folks know they aren’t as big and bad as they would like to be to get them to back down.

• You’re MAD insecure (and sensitive): It really doesn’t take much to set a bully off. Leave them out of a conversation, don’t invite them to a party (because they’re crazy), or spend a lot of time with their friends and they’re ready to lash out. Bullies like to be the center of attention or be in the midst of everyone’s business. When they’re not, that’s when they start to get moody. They think everyone’s talking about them (even when no one is worried about them), and when they want what you have (a man, the materialistic goods you tote around, etc.), they tend to diss you for it. As tough as a bully tries to act, sometimes they have deep-seeded issues and emotional problems that cause them to act out. But that doesn’t make their poor treatment of others right, of course.

• You try to embarrass people in public: Whether this is the co-worker who tries to blast you about your work ethic in front of others, the boss who tries to yell at you in meetings in front of everyone, or the person who critiques your outfit in front of all of your friends, bullies like to make you into a spectacle. It’s already annoying that they do it in general, but there’s something very uncool about trying to play people in front of other people.  It could be that they’re trying to make other people think less of you, or in reverse, maybe they think belittling someone for their own entertainment will make them look big and bad. Whatever their reasoning, it’s dead wrong. Karma is a bad Mamma Jamma, so if this bully is you, cut it out and grow up.

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(New York Times) — When the number of employees Matt Kaplan managed at a lab at the University of Arizona in Tucson mushroomed from six to 30, the school called in a management coach to make sure he was prepared. What he learned surprised him–his employees thought he was distant and didn’t trust their work.  ”The biggest challenge for me was realizing I couldn’t do everything myself,” he says. “I had to learn to trust my team, which was a gradual process.”  Experts say many bosses are similarly clueless about their appearance to employees. Here are five signals you may be one of them.

1. Most of your emails are one-word long: It may be efficient, but many bosses don’t realize how curt a one-word email—even a simple “yes” or “no”—can be, says Barbara Pachter, a management coach and author of several workplace etiquette books. She calls it the “BlackBerry effect.”  ”Managers have a tendency to be abrupt, especially when they’re answering emails on the go,” Ms. Pachter says. “It comes off as an invitation for conflict. A simple addition of ‘thanks’ goes a long way.”  Some managers craft even shorter emails. When Christina Marcus emailed an idea for a project to a former boss, he responded “Y.” Thinking he was questioning her idea, she spent 20 minutes crafting a response. Turns out, the “Y” meant “yes,” not “why.” ” Ms. Marcus eventually left the firm.

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