Hey Champ,

You are probably not used to getting questions from guys, but I’m in an unpleasant situation that I would love to get your opinion on. I met this young lady at the beginning of this summer and we hit it off. We both love talking and hanging out with one another. Our sex life is great and when we are around one another we just wanna be in our own little world. She has my full attention and I call her morning and night. I’m the kind of guy to give a girl I’m talking to my 100 percent attention. I literally make her #1 especially if she is also interested in me.

Recently, we have been having problems. It started when she didn’t call me one night that she went out with friends so I got pissed. I worry too much about her safety so when she didn’t call I called her 3 times but she didn’t answer. She later called me back few hours later but I was too pissed so we had a fight. The next morning I called her but she didn’t answer. She sent me a text that said “hi” and I told her she needs to talk to me over the phone. She didn’t reply so I kept calling until she answered and said I was a psycho because I called her multiple times in an hour. I explained to her that I thought she was still mad at me and I didn’t wanna lose her. She told me I was psycho and that I’m scaring her. She said she didn’t wanna see me again that weekend but I drove 3 hours to her state just to apologize to her. She mistook my action as trying to control her so she told me I was coming to control her and she got more pissed. I explained to her that was not my intentions that I just wanted to apologize and win her back but she didn’t believe me.

We eventually sort of worked things out but she told me she will never forget that incident. Currently she told me she needed her time and space but she still really likes me and doesn’t wanna lose me. She said she wants us to take things slow and see where it goes. She no longer make me a priority and I feel like she is trying to leave me but doesn’t know how. She suggested we just be friends a couple of times but I told her that wouldn’t work because I will need time to get over my feelings for her. I have asked some friends and they said she just needs space that she will come around but I’m still confused because she calls me multiple times a day and we talk on the phone a lot. We still hang out and have sex. She tells me she misses me but when I try to see her she feels I’m trying to control her. She said she doesn’t want a situation where if things don’t work between us we wouldn’t be able to be friends that why she wants to take things slow. We have been talking since the end of March and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on for. I want a relationship. I am not talking to anyone else and I resist attempts from other females. I’m not a bad looking guy so getting a girl isn’t my problem…I just want her.

Prior to her I dated older women and they appreciated the attention I gave them so I feel like she just doesn’t understand the attention I’m giving to her and will eventually get it as she gets older. I don’t know if I should take it as slow as she wants or just be friends with her and move on. We are both 23 years.

Thanks,
Don’t Wanna Be a Desperate Dater

Dear Champ,

Perhaps you can help me with a strange situation I have never found myself in and I’m trying to make sense out of it. I met a guy about a year and half ago. When we first met at a gathering, sparks were flying between the two of us. We were totally smitten by each other the entire time we were there. If there was ever a such thing as a Soul Mate, we were probably close. However, after awhile, it was obvious that a romantic relationship was out of the question. His secrecy and emotional maturity bothered me and it became more than a notion to try to get him to open up truthfully to me. Even though things didn’t work out between us romantically, we still liked each other on a personal level, and we developed somewhat of a friendship—–over the phone!

For some reason, he is content with this phone friendship. We talk 24/7, day and night, night and day for months and months. But, we have very little face-to-face interaction. Now, he claims that he lives in another state, but I never believed it. I believe he lives in the same state and city as I do. Whenever he claims he’s in town, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to visit me.The few times we have spent together, we had a great time (and electrifying sex). I have invited him to different events but he never comes. He always gives me some excuse about his money being low.

Sometimes I feel like he wants me but he can’t articulate it. He’ll do strange stuff like ask me if I’ll move to a new city with him if he decides to relocate, or one time, without my knowledge, he tried to get me a job in the city he says he lives in. But then, there are times where I feel like I’m simply his “friend” and nothing more. For instance, he’ll talk to me about other women he’s been seeing.

I have broken this relationship off several times because I don’t like it, yet he ALWAYS comes back!! It’s not going anywhere, it’s not getting any better, and I’m not interested in playing this game any more. I told him that I’m bored with this and that he needs to be honest and tell me the truth about a lot of things (namely his life and his feelings about me), but he refuses. So I cut him off for good this time. So my question is, why doesn’t he leave me alone? I’ve been as patient as I can be, hoping that he would eventually come around and be truthful, but he still hasn’t and I’m done. From a man’s perspective, what is this about because I honestly don’t get it. What is he getting out of having a phone-friendship without any face-to-face interaction? Truthfully, I get nothing from it.

Sincerely,
Thoroughly confused

“Lots of people want to ride in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with youwhen the limo breaks down.”
-Oprah Winfrey

You may have recently read YourTango.com’s great tips on setting appropriate boundaries and not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of (“Stop Being Used: Boundaries to Protect Yourself”).  But what about when you’re unaware of people’s ulterior motives?  Just because someone allows themselves to be used, doesn’t justify taking their kindness for weakness, but too many times people manipulate an opportunity for romance or friendship for their own personal gain.

I’m sure Oprah Winfrey has had her fair share of crossing paths with people who otherwise wouldn’t think twice about her if she wasn’t a billionaire queen of media.  So if anyone knows how to spot someone that will be hesitant to get that bus pass, it’s her.  If you can identify with any of the following signs, it may be time to toss that relationship out at the next exit: