All Articles Tagged "black women dating"

How To Tell The Difference Between Settling And Compromising In Dating

August 4th, 2016 - By Alyssa Rachelle
Share to Twitter Email This



If you’re like me, you’ve created the infamous list at some point in your life. You know, the list that you created when you were single that contains characteristics you want and/or need in a partner.

Love coach and certified professional counselor Joelle Lydon, MA wrote in the LinkedIn post “It’s Time You Ditch Your Dating List,” that creating a list can do more of a disservice than help you find a good partner. According to her, she missed out on a lot of amazing prospects by being focused solely on what she wanted from that list.

“When I dated without the pressure of needing to look for an individual who met my pre-formed qualifications, I realized how many amazing men existed,” she wrote. “And what’s more, when you remain present to who they are as is, you get to see their essence.”

I never pulled out my list when meeting new guys, but creating one did help me put things into perspective and made me really think about the qualities I truly wanted and needed in a future partner. Although I believe that Lydon makes a valid point, I still believe that at least defining what you want in a partner can help you sift through potential ones.

I have a friend who is trying to decide between two men. Both guys are very different and possess very unflattering qualities. Even though she feels that her Mr. Right is not a man with many of their traits, she is hopeful that at least one will eventually change to meet her standards. Sounds to me like waiting for the sky to turn green, but according to experts, it can happen. The change in behavior — not the sky.

Psychologist and success coach Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. explained in her article on Psych Central that a person can change if they really want to. “Though it’s true that ‘you are who you are’ and that your personality structure ‘is what it is,’ it’s not true that you can’t modify, alter, or tweak many aspects of how you behave,” she wrote.

I am not a fan of waiting on someone to “get it together” as I think it equates to time wasted. However, can waiting on someone to change for the better be a sign of compromising as opposed to settling?

Family therapist Sara Debbie Gutfreund created a chart that explained five things that people should not compromise on while dating, thus staying true to themselves: 1) Remain authentic. 2) Do not compromise your core beliefs or spiritual values. 3) Continue to nurture friendships while dating. 4) Be responsible for your own happiness. 5) Maintain a strong bond with your family.

There has to be a stark contrast between settling and compromising. The biggest issue in my friend’s situation is that she believes that she only has two choices. If that’s not settling, I don’t know what is.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, a licensed therapist, wrote that she hears women, and men, rationalize why they are still in a relationship they shouldn’t be part of, waiting for the other party to improve, thinking they can’t do better. “They say things like, ‘I know my relationship isn’t perfect, but at least he doesn’t yell at me.’ Or, ‘He really is a good dad.’ Or, ‘He will always be faithful to me,'” Gaspard wrote for Divorced Moms. “When I hear things like that, I am reminded that breaking up with someone is an act of courage.”

At the end of the day, no one is perfect, but one has to really figure out what characteristics they can live with and absolutely live without. We need to focus on the ones important to our set of values and our happiness, and not compromise or settle in those areas.

Are You The Type of Black Girl That White Guys Like?

February 21st, 2014 - By Ezinne Ukoha
Share to Twitter Email This



For the longest time, I have been told that I am the “type of black girl” that white guys would be falling over themselves to date. I would always get defensive and force them to explain how they came to this conclusion. Apparently the way I carried myself and the way I spoke convinced them that I would attract mostly white guys. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that but it got me thinking about what black girls imagine when they consider dating a white guy.

I have dated a few of them myself, and based on my experience, I can say that it’s not that much different from dating guys within my own race but there are a few exceptions. White guys tend to be a lot more adventurous and spontaneous. This can translate into being involved in activities that won’t work well with weaves or an expensive blowout. I have never been that girl who spent loads of money and half a day at the salon. I am a low maintenance kind of gal so I never had a problem taking a hike and ending up at a watering hole. I somehow always ended up with white guys who loved my hair and it didn’t matter if they were younger or older. They found my natural tresses engaging and refreshing, and even though I was flattered, I always made it a point to explain that extensions were not necessarily a tacky endeavor, as long as the recipient knows how to rock it!

Another reason why my friends were adamant that I was “white guy” material rests on my physique. I have always been quite slender and there is this unspoken “fact” that white guys are more turned on by girls who carry a more athletic build. It’s true that based on the ones I dated, being in shape was a major feat, but they also appreciate a “little junk in the trunk” too – and I think that mentality goes across the board.

I will admit that being African seems quite appealing to guys of other races, especially white men. My name alone would garner a level of attention and then the avalanche of questions regarding my background. It seemed the more I divulged the more heightened the interest became.  I started to feel a sense of guilt that my heritage was what set me apart from the rest of the pack. It was a huge advantage that I grew up in my country because my demeanor reflects the fact that I am not your “typical” Black girl. And when I would ask for a more detailed explanation, the stereotypes start filtering in; I am soft-spoken instead of loud-mouthed, I enjoy working out and it shows, I have a college degree, and I am not a “baby mama.”

Yes, all those things are true, but those qualities also apply to legions of black girls, and I always endeavor to point that out. I have never been the girl who limited the offerings on the menu when it comes to dating. I have always been an equal opportunity scout and my pledge was and still is to find the guy who respects and loves me just the way I am. Historically, yes, I do tend to attract white guys more and that could be something inherently in me that orchestrates that but I try to never lose sight of who I am and I certainly don’t allow guys of other races to express their adulation at the expense of my sistahs. Dating outside your race can pose a variety of issues that can either break or make your relationship, but as long as both parties are in it for the right reasons, it can be an adventurously fulfilling ride.

How I Learned To Stop Asking: “Can I Have It All?”

August 7th, 2013 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
Share to Twitter Email This

Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock


It was your typical evening filled with networking, free wine and yummy cupcakes. The event’s purpose was to prepare millennial women to become their generation’s next leaders. But they already know how to do that.  What they really wanted to know was the question of the hour:  “Can I have it all?”

We all know that question is played out like an 8-track but it was interesting to observe how the panel of women leaders reacted, when it was asked. The panelist consisted of three black women and two white. Before responding to the question, the black women sheepishly looked at one another. They offered stories of the typical shoulda-woulda-couldas and encouraged young women to find their mate now. As older women, they reminisced on too many nights going to events solo, only to find themselves going back to an empty hotel room to drink champagne and kiss the news goodnight. Interestingly enough, the two white panelists grinned enthusiastically to answer. As their wedding bands danced on their hands, they eagerly described their journeys of becoming wives and mothers. Their body language and tone made it seem as though dating, marriage and motherhood came so easy, like they ordered them from Amazon. Why do black women make it seem like we have to get on a Struggle Bus to achieve what our white counterparts seem to effortlessly ease into?

One of the most powerful women in business, Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook was heavily criticized for her book Lean In. Critics believed the “Lean In” world Sandberg writes of is only applicable to white women. When it comes to love, Sandberg suggests any career driven woman should look at marriage differently:

Sandberg states: Many women talk about the importance of “supportive” partners who share the household duties and childcare responsibilities; I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is. I don’t know of a single woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully supportive of her career. No exceptions”

Black women are often told their education and career drive serve as road blocks to love and that it is best to not shine their light too much or their partners will become jealous. Also, culturally, many black women are told to focus on their academics rather than creating personal relationships with the gender of their interest.

Joy Chen of Wall Street Journal China believes women should not even marry before thirty. Before you say “Girl, bye,” Chen offers practical advice for a woman to have the marriage that would balance her career.  She suggests women should take a head-hunting approach to dating:

Falling in and out of love with different people is important to helping you better understand what you don’t want in a relationship as well as what you do want. This is your only chance in life to have a range of romantic and sexual experiences, so get out there and have some fun.”

Sandberg and Chen both offer women the opportunity to get to the root of what they want. A woman will stop asking if she can have it all once she tries it all. The art of life is to explore how you feel with what or whom you engage in. Whether it  be your career or relationship, only you define what it means to have it all.


It’s Not A Black Women’s Problem: Matchmaker Paul Brunson Explains Why Dating Is A Challenge For Everyone

October 12th, 2012 - By MN Editor
Share to Twitter Email This

From BlackVoices

Love is patient and kind and … complicated, according to Paul Brunson, businessman turned “Modern Day Matchmaker” and now author, who aims to explain in his new book, “It’s Complicated,” why it doesn’t have to be.

For starters, one simple truth lies at the core of Brunson’s beliefs on why our conversations about dating aren’t evolving: “Establishing and maintaining a relationship is the most critical skill we can have,” Brunson told The Huffington Post. “All of the elements that lead you to having a successful romantic relationship are the same elements needed to have a successful platonic relationship,” he added.

In the African-American community, however, that truth is often convoluted by matters of race and the disproportionate number of single black women to men.

Here, Brunson explains why it’s important to check the race talk at the door, along with the biggest hangups he’s encountered in his matchmaking practice.

Read the rest at BlackVoices


More on Madame Noire!

Madame On The Street: Are You Open To Dating Other Races?

April 10th, 2012 - By MN Editor
Share to Twitter Email This

Interracial dating may be deemed as a touchy subject by many people, but in this installment of Madame On The Street, we discovered it’s no big deal for many New Yorkers. Check out what they had to say about their dating choices.


More on Madame Noire!

Open Letter to Single Black Women

February 15th, 2012 - By MN Editor
Share to Twitter Email This

Ama Yawson, co-founder of a dating site for black women and all men, penned a letter of encouragement to single black women looking for love.

Dear Triumphant Scientifically Attractive Marriageable Single Black Woman,

Sweet kisses? Tender caresses? Inspiring words? Early morning love-making sessions with the person who has promised to love and support you through poverty and wealth, sickness and health as long as you both shall live?

Yes, yes, and more yes. That is exactly what you deserve if your heart so desires.

So to the extent that the negative media surrounding black women’s beauty and relationship prospects, or what Ariana Proehl refers to as the “Tragic Scientifically Unattractive Unmarriageable Single Black Woman Narrative,” has led you to consider giving up on love for one millisecond, I pray that you will reconsider.

Yes, I understand that during the past two years the media has been throwing spears in your direction. Pop singer John Mayer proclaimed that his white supremacist penis won’t allow him to date or mate with a black woman. Our own black brother NFL player, Albert Haynesworth exclaimed that he can’t remember the last time he dated a black woman. Quack scientist Satoshi Kanazawa published an article with “scientific evidence” that black women were less attractive than other women. Countless academics continue to pontificate on the African-American marriage decline while citing black male incarceration rates and high-school drop-out rates to explain the dearth of eligible black men to marry you. It is enough to make you vomit, lose hope and decide to solely focus on other things such as community or political activism.

But I have a question for you.

When have you ever allowed the stereotypes, negative statistics or euro-centric notions of beauty heralded by the mass media to define you or circumscribe your aspirations?

Read the rest of Yawson’s inspiring letter at Black

Reasons Why Black Women Don’t Date White Men

January 4th, 2012 - By MN Editor
Share to Twitter Email This

Interracial dating has been one of the biggest conversations within the black community. Black men have made it no secret their liking to white women. Regina King recently raised the argument that we as black women still have not become completely comfortable dating outside our race. I recently did a survey on a group of black women regarding their reasons for not dating men who are not of color. Through my findings it seems as though black women aren’t actually opposef to dating outside of their race. Part of the dilemma lies in women of color thinking that men outside of their race won’t be attracted to them. Below are the 5 top reasons black women are apprehensive about going there with a white guy.

Common Dating Mistakes Women Make In Their 20s

July 1st, 2011 - By SisterToldja
Share to Twitter Email This

Dating during the “me years” can be difficult. In your early 20s, you’ve got one foot in adulthood, but you are just barely removed from teenage silliness. As you get a little older, you may find yourself trapped between your relative youth and the increased pressure to “settle down.” Meanwhile, the men in your world are growing and changing in ways that might not always match up with what you need or want.  Check our list of some of the common romantic missteps young women make; laugh, cry, reminisce…and try to avoid them if it isn’t too late!

Why “Nice Guys” Get No Love…At First

April 27th, 2011 - By Veronica Wells
Share to Twitter Email This

When we were young and we thought about our ideal man, he was perfect. He was smart and fine, charming and confident, sweet and sensitive with a little bit of an edge to him. As we got older we realized a little too fast that all these characteristics don’t always coexist. And if they do you there’s always the other part of the puzzle. He has to want you back.  (Kudos to the lucky, lucky sister who’s managed to snag this dream man.) Anyway when you were little, or even today you might pass on somebody you pegged as being “too nice.” Maybe you couldn’t articulate exactly what it was that you couldn’t stand about him; but here are the real reasons why you let that one get away.

Where the Good Men Aren’t Hiding

April 19th, 2011 - By L. Nicole Williams
Share to Twitter Email This

Time and time again, we read articles telling us how to look for love—where to go, what to wear, what to say—when, in actuality, there is nothing to look for.

The “good” black men aren’t nestled in the bushes or gathering at a top secret hideout. They are sitting at the booth next to you and your girls; they are helping escort elderly women to their cars at church; they are sprinkled everywhere. Broaden that scope to all available men and there are plenty of options right under your nose. All you have to do to recognize them is be open.


Read the rest of this entry »