Source: Shutterstock

In recent years, coverage of sex tourism has increased in the news and in film, exploring how the ability to travel abroad and satisfy your every need through dollar bills is so alluring and how people shed their identities, instantly transitioning into their alter egos once borders and oceans are crossed. The film Paradise: Love and documentary Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil both explore how white women and black men navigate their international sexcapades. In both films, white women and black men are seen paying for sexual acts. But though both parties are frowned upon for their actions, a clear double standard is presented, which begs the question: Is it more acceptable for a white woman to get her groove back than a black man claiming to find love internationally? And if so, who made those rules?

The “controversial narrative of Paradise: Love, follows the sexual misadventures of Teresa, a 50-year-old white Austrian single mother, who explores Kenya through – and on the bodies of – young African men.” On the flip side, Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil depicts how “Women [in Brazil] are more caring [of men] and respect them as men,” as one man in the documentary said. “It has nothing to do with how much they make. It has nothing to do with anything else other than just being a man.” It’s quite obvious the characters in Paradise: Love are only engaging with natives to indulge in physical pleasure, whereas the men in Frustrated are intentionally looking for Brazilian women to love them — with fewer expectations of course.

As Dating/Life Coach Demetria Lucas states in The Root:

“Somehowthese guys have convinced themselves that their Americanness, which drips off of any tourist, and the benefit of the exchange rate between the Brazilian real and the American dollar have nothing to do with all the love that a middle-aged man well past his prime can receive from very young and exceptionally attractive Brazilian women.”

American news outlets have made the state of the Black relationship a crisis center. On televisions and across the web you can find Black women and men virtually pointing the finger at one another whenever relationship conversations arise. Although these conversations are played-out like an eight track, one must ask: Why do we continue discussing this topic to avail? The sentiment,“Black women don’t treat us right…so we gotta go to Brazil because they play nicer,” evinces more about black men than anything it could about black women. Brazilian women aren’t the problem or the solution. To many American men, they serve as a band-aid to a deeper ill. And unfortunately that wound continues to be ignored as this cultural relationship war plays out in the media, distracting from the larger issue at hand, as if men from all races in the U.S. don’t go to Brazil or other countries for the pleasurable company of women.

Repetitive articles regarding the state of the white relationship seem to be non-existent; where are the white men checking for their women when they go abroad? Because white privilege does not carry the weight of stereotypes, white women have the freedom to be portrayed as care-free. As they explore foreign lands, their sexual quests are defined as entitled awakenings instead of disrespect to their race. They do not suffer the cultural repercussions Black men face — being responsible for how relationships are portrayed to the greater society or helping progress the Black family unit. And that should be the lesson in this blame game.

Do you think there is a true difference between White women and Black men traveling abroad for sex/love? Should Black men be entitled to the same sexual freedom as White women when it comes to international sexcapades, or are the consequences of Black men’s actions far greater — and for whom?

Source: Shutterstock

From Essence

Yes, you read the title correctly, and I can see your eyebrows raised and neck hairs bristling up.  Don’t hop off the ride just yet. I need you to put on your seat belts and rock with me for a minute. I’m about to take you on a very personal journey that dropped me smack dab in the middle of Broken Hearts, USA.

I’m going to start with an urgent gripe of mine: Every time I turn around, the mating habits of African-American women are being scrutinized. There is always some broken-down bundle of research about how many Black women are single or an article about why we aren’t “suitable for long term relationships.” Gee whiz. I can’t digest any more of this crap. Check, please!

Perhaps what’s most disheartening is the fact that out of all the people who find fault in Black women, it’s brothers that are our toughest critics. They reject us for being too dark, having short hair, being plus size or having a less than bodacious donk (translation: a round posterior anatomy).  Sisters are lampooned for not being submissive enough, soft enough or simply too vocal with our opinions.  And the hits just keep on coming.

Is there any wonder that I say (with tears in my eyes) that “I didn’t give up on Black men, they gave up on me?” I came to this painful realization a few years ago, but it was a long time coming.

I can’t tell you exactly when I started feeling rejected by Black men; it was too many years ago to count.  I have been told that I am “too opinionated”, “too assertive”, “too outspoken” or “too fat” more times than I can care to admit. In my 20s I tried to twist and conform to become less, well, me. But, it was like a lioness trying to become a kitty cat. I finally decided that I simply couldn’t make myself smaller for others to feel bigger – not even for the sake of love.

My plan was to wait patiently for that some awesome Black man to look at me through accepting eyes and embrace me flaws and all. Ultimately, isn’t that what we all really want from love – to feel it unconditionally? Sigh…Dare I say, I’m still waiting.

Read more on Essence.com.

Source: Shutterstock

Sometime during the national conversation on Single Black Women, someone hypothesized that the Black church keeps women single. I thought that was pretty ridiculous considering 95% of the black married women I know, I know from church. In fact, it seems to me that religion is much more important in judging a person’s chances for marriage than race. The link between being a Christian and getting married in a timely fashion was something I noticed years ago.

After high school, I went to a Bible college for a year. At that college, there was a huge emphasis placed on marriage and seemed to be the primary (or a close secondary) purpose for being there. It wasn’t just the women either who seemed intent on “marrying a pastor” it was the men too who would approach women announcing “God said you’re my wife.” Sound creepy? That’s because it is.

I remember telling a staff member that I refused to cook in the dorm’s community kitchen…or anywhere else for that matter. Shocked, she said “Well what are you going to do when you get a husband?” She asked it so urgently as though she had said, “Well what are you going to eat for dinner?” I was eighteen and not even thinking about marriage tat hat time, but I guess she automatically assumed I was angling for a husband because so many people around me were foaming at the mouth to get married. In fact, some members of the administration had begun calling it “ring by Spring” mocking the high percentage of students who came in the Fall semester and ended up engaged or married by the end of Spring semester.

When I left Bible college after one year, I attended a state university. There, the game was totally different. In fact, nobody talked about marriage, ever. It was refreshing to date guys without one dropping the “God told me you are (or are not) my wife” bomb on an otherwise great night. It was nice to have conversations with women without one declaring she hoped to marry her crush, despite having never been on a single date with him. I had recently broken up with my Bible college boyfriend and he was the last person for a while to ever bring up marriage as something on his short-term goal list.

I could have easily chalked the difference up to the fact that Bible college was a place for aspiring ministers and, like politicians, pastors are expected to have wives. But it wasn’t just those pursuing a pulpit that were getting married left and right.

While I was at the state university, Facebook was opened to people who were in college and those who weren’t. As a result, I found out that many of my parochial high school classmates had skipped higher education and went straight for “Wife Life” and some even had children. I was stunned. All of that before their 21st birthday? It was then that I noticed the stark contrast between my college friends and my friends from my hometown.

Most of my friends from home were friends from church and if they weren’t married then they weren’t shy about wanting to get married. Most of these friends (guys and girls) were either virgins or celibate. In contrast, my friends from college were about their business and romance was mostly relegated to the sidelines. Both the men and the women seemed engrossed in the risky game of who can have the most sex with the most people while suffering the least consequences in the form of pregnancy, STD’s and/or emotional pain.

After graduation, I went back home and, still addicted to Facebook, I noticed that more than a few college acquaintences I’d known from Campus Crusade for Christ walked off the graduation stage and down the wedding aisle. Here I was trying to find my first post-college job and these girls who had graduated the year before me were posting pics of themselves flanked by an adoring husband cradling a newborn baby. A friend and I used to joke that we should have spent more time at Campus Crusade for Christ meetings and less time at the library.

As time went on, I noticed that most of my church friends who were in serious, committed relationships rarely dated for more than two years without popping the question. Many of my non-church friends who were in serious relationships were living together and dating for four and five years without getting engaged.  Of course, there are Christian couples who live together and/or date forever without getting married and non-Christian couples who don’t live together and/or got married in a timely fashion. I just noticed that there was a marked difference in terms of proportion among the people I know. Like, Stanford professor Ralph Richards Banks asked in his famous book, “Is Marriage For White People?”, I wonder is marriage for Christians?

The evidence to support my theory that Christians are more likely to get married and get married young is strictly anecdotal, but the statistics back up my experience. While the majority of Americans walk the aisle eventually, according to Christianity Today, a whopping 84% of Christians marry and the average age is 25.

By “Christians” they mean “couples who regularly practice any combination of serious religious behaviors and attitudes — attend church nearly every week, read their Bibles and spiritual materials regularly; pray privately and together; generally take their faith seriously, living not as perfect disciples, but serious disciples.”

These Christians, they also found, enjoy significantly lower divorce rates than mere church members, the general public and unbelievers.

While churches don’t explicitly command “get married”, it seems the culture promotes it among attendees. And while many factors play into getting married including economic status, educational accomplishments and even race it seems the common denominator among the largest group of married folk under 30 is the fact that they’re Christian.

I’m not suggesting that anyone jump in the Jesus Jetta because they think their future husband is riding in it. Jesus is not passing out marriage licenses. I’m just thinking, considering the fact that most Christians are African-Americans, then maybe we’re not so “doomed to be single” after all.

What do you think? Do you think religion plays a big part in whether or not people get married? Have you noticed Christians people you know getting married young or at a higher rate?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life 

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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My situation is a bit complicated in that it involves a 1.5 year online long distance relationship where I had lied about my online profile. I told him the truth in September and suffice to say it didn’t go down well. He said about a week after I told him the truth that he doesn’t mind being friends but that there is no chance for us to be more in the future. I am not sure if he said it out of anger/hurt at that time or if he really meant it because even looking at our relationship objectively, he truly was in love with me to the point where he was going on interviews to move to the country that I said I lived in.

We are finally back on talking terms since November but it is very casual and indifferent and that is why I think trying to rebuild trust by way of doing the friends route is not working.

So I was planning on apologizing again but this time focusing on him and making sure that he understands that I have taken these 3 months to really try and understand what he feels. I would like to tell him that I still have feelings for him and hope for a future together but that I understand that trust takes time to be rebuilt and that the decision is his. But I’m not sure if dredging up the past is a good idea either. It’s just that I feel that the situation is urgent because he is slipping away.
-Alice

This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody helps a woman who is struggling with her sex life in light of her husband’s obesity and his lack of interest. Read on and weigh in:

Dear Luv Coach,

I am a 46 year old, recently re-married woman who has a problem. My husband has recently gained so much weight that he’s unable to perform sexually. Even before the weight gain, our sex life was less than satisfying to me, but I dealt with it because it was part of the package. To top things off, his daughter and grand-daughter recently moved in with us, so there isn’t much chance of us having a romantic evening together. I was single for so long, it is very hard for me to want to stay married to him. Right now I am the only one in the house working, so that adds another layer of frustration on this situation.

In all honesty, I am not physically attracted to him. I am not aroused by him, but one reason I got married was to be able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. I have asked him to work out with me, or even go walking with me. Nothing. I have encouraged him to have surgery to begin the weight loss process, nothing. The last time we tried to be intimate, his stomach got in the way, if you know what I mean?

I just want some suggestions about what I can do to keep myself from going crazy and perhaps some ways to find relief from this situation. Thank you.
-Lauri

When it comes to managing stress, regardless of whether it’s around the holidays or the daily grind, it’s important to identify early when you are stressed, and how you personally plan to combat those feelings.  The holidays offer a heightened sense of stress for most Americans, especially with the intense pinching of pennies this year.  Take a good look at the stressors you might feel this holiday season, and how to prevent them from ruining your relationship.

This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody helps a woman who is confusing sex with love. Read on and weigh in:

Dear Luv Coach,

I’m 23 years old and I have a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been with the father of my child for 10 years and he has been incarcerated for the past 3 years, set to be released in June of next year.

The thing is I’ve been sleeping with my next door neighbor for a year and I’m madly in love with him. He also has a 3 year old daughter and our kids play together. When we first met he told me that he was not interested in a serious relationship and was no longer with the mother of his child and I believed him. A few months later I found out that they were still a couple and were living together but when I asked him if this was true he denied it. He then came clean and said that they were working things out for the sake of their child and that he still wants to casually sleep with me.

He has said on many occasions that he doesn’t want me seeing anyone else but he knows that I will be with the father of my child when he gets out. We still plan on sneaking around when my boyfriend gets home but I want more from him. The way I feel for him I’ve never felt for anyone else – not even the father of my child but he just won’t commit to me and I can’t trust him.

Recently at a party I got into a confrontation with his girlfriend because they were making out in front of me and I felt disrespected because he saw that I was there and acted like he didn’t care. He vowed to never speak to me after that incident but that was because the bi*ch was there. A week later he was at my door and we’re now sleeping together again. It seems like he’s never going to leave her alone and I just can’t continue seeing him if he doesn’t but I don’t know how to let go because I really love him. Should I stay and hope that he changes or just leave him alone?

-Melody

Being cheated on is one of the most terrifying and painful experiences you can have in a relationship.  Feelings of doubt and extremely low self-esteem can surface, along with anger, confusion, sadness, and overall depression.  Being cheated on can make a woman question themselves and look inward, when the real healing comes from realizing and accepting that it was their man’s choice that ruined the trust and has nothing to do with them.  Feeling blame can be a harmful and counterproductive feeling when trying to heal.

Take a look at these 7 steps that might help you through this tough time…

Read the rest of this entry »

According to Dr. Paul Dobransky, a psychologist, relationship expert and author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, “In the first five minutes of meeting someone, it’s generally physical beauty that attracts men. That’s actually the very first step of courtship for them.” As he explains, this doesn’t mean all guys are after supermodel-type good looks. Instead, he’s referring to the fact that every man has his own individual taste in women, physically. The bottom line is, in those crucial first moments, “It’s not about personality, intellect, career or any other crucial things that make up a relationship. At first, its just sex appeal,” he says.  So what, specifically, does he value as important about your initial appearance?

Check out these 8 traits men admit to noticing first, and what each one says about you…

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To be truly ready for a relationship, you must be physically, emotionally, and socially prepared to give and receive love fully. Many people aren’t able to do this because they are either currently in a relationship, carrying the dead weight of emotional baggage, or unable to commit the time and energy necessary for sustaining a good relationship. Oftentimes receiving love can be just as difficult as giving it because so many of us have become accustomed to dysfunctional relationships. Our perspectives become so skewed that poor treatment, unmet needs, and the cycle of relationship drama seem normal.  However, everybody deserves love and has the power to give love in return if they dig deep enough to find it.  So how do you know if you’re ready?

Consider these 8 signs to determine if you’re prepared for a successful relationship…

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