Yesterday my friend texted me about what I’m sure he thought was a funny story. But after I reading it and analyzing it, I was just pissed off. I’ll share it and you let me know if you have a similar reaction.

The short version of the story is my friend was hanging out with some Israelites who were teaching out in the street. Just as one of the teachers is reading a passage about female modesty, a woman in thin, elastic stretch pants walks by. According to my friend they were some “look at me” pants and her booty was jiggling inside them. But instead of scurrying by, the woman turns around and starts shouting at the people gathered in front of the teacher.

“I’m hot I can’t be wearing all them layers… I ain’t dressing like no one’s grandmama!”

*Sigh of exasperation of our fellows sistahs in the hood struggle.*

After baby girl caused her scene, the Israelite, who I’m assuming is not black, leans over and says “All THIS is why black men only date white women.”

*Hold up…*

But then it gets worse. A black man who’d witnessed the whole scene and heard what the comment the Israelite made says:

“Who you telling?! I can’t even see myself with a black woman.”

It’s funny that when black men reference black women’s attitudes as reason not to date them, my first gut reaction is to exhibit that same type of attitude they’re describing. I really wanted to just laugh at my friend’s anecdote and keep it moving but the black man’s comment disturbed me just as much as the hood chick popping off in the middle of religious instruction.

I asked my friend what did he say to the man? He said he asked him, “No black woman for you at all?” And the man reiterated his point.

“I can’t even see it.”

I responded: “If he can’t picture it, then what could you have said? Both people in that situation sound ignorant honestly.” (If I had thought about it, I would’ve said all three because the Israelite was just as lost.)

Really though, the whole situation worked my nerves. While I would never be out here trying to convince brothas that don’t want to date black women that we’re not all like that, I’m highly perturbed at the way in which black men are so quick to publicly express their distaste for black women.

Where they do that at?

I mean really, have you ever heard another race of people, besides black folk talk so publicly and so stereotypically against women in their own race?

I don’t understand it. And honestly, it’s quite hurtful. When the world is ready to stereotype us and write us off, you would think black men would be able to see past all that. Of course there are black women out here who fit every stereotype in the book but certainly these black men know at least a handful of black women who aren’t like that.

I was telling my friend that black women would rarely speak about black men in the same negative fashion, in the street like that.  Even though we know there are brothas out here who are living foul, we’re not deriding them in the streets, swearing that we would never date them.

For better or worse, black women have been conditioned to support black men. Now, I don’t mean supporting them through all types of abuse and foolishness. I mean, being the encouragement, whether platonic or otherwise, in a country that consistently tries to hold them down.

I said that; but really, after further reflection, writing for MadameNoire for about three years, has shown me that that’s not exactly true. There have been too many times, where black women have proclaimed, maybe out of bitterness, hurt or frustration, they’re going to “get a white man.” To me, that’s equally infuriating.

What is with black folk dismissing an entire race, our own race, when it comes to the dating pool? It’s ignorant. And more importantly, quite sad that we’re gulping the Kool-Aid “Willie Lynch” has been offering us for centuries.

Source: Shutterstock

In recent years, coverage of sex tourism has increased in the news and in film, exploring how the ability to travel abroad and satisfy your every need through dollar bills is so alluring and how people shed their identities, instantly transitioning into their alter egos once borders and oceans are crossed. The film Paradise: Love and documentary Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil both explore how white women and black men navigate their international sexcapades. In both films, white women and black men are seen paying for sexual acts. But though both parties are frowned upon for their actions, a clear double standard is presented, which begs the question: Is it more acceptable for a white woman to get her groove back than a black man claiming to find love internationally? And if so, who made those rules?

The “controversial narrative of Paradise: Love, follows the sexual misadventures of Teresa, a 50-year-old white Austrian single mother, who explores Kenya through – and on the bodies of – young African men.” On the flip side, Frustrated: Black American Men in Brazil depicts how “Women [in Brazil] are more caring [of men] and respect them as men,” as one man in the documentary said. “It has nothing to do with how much they make. It has nothing to do with anything else other than just being a man.” It’s quite obvious the characters in Paradise: Love are only engaging with natives to indulge in physical pleasure, whereas the men in Frustrated are intentionally looking for Brazilian women to love them — with fewer expectations of course.

As Dating/Life Coach Demetria Lucas states in The Root:

“Somehowthese guys have convinced themselves that their Americanness, which drips off of any tourist, and the benefit of the exchange rate between the Brazilian real and the American dollar have nothing to do with all the love that a middle-aged man well past his prime can receive from very young and exceptionally attractive Brazilian women.”

American news outlets have made the state of the Black relationship a crisis center. On televisions and across the web you can find Black women and men virtually pointing the finger at one another whenever relationship conversations arise. Although these conversations are played-out like an eight track, one must ask: Why do we continue discussing this topic to avail? The sentiment,“Black women don’t treat us right…so we gotta go to Brazil because they play nicer,” evinces more about black men than anything it could about black women. Brazilian women aren’t the problem or the solution. To many American men, they serve as a band-aid to a deeper ill. And unfortunately that wound continues to be ignored as this cultural relationship war plays out in the media, distracting from the larger issue at hand, as if men from all races in the U.S. don’t go to Brazil or other countries for the pleasurable company of women.

Repetitive articles regarding the state of the white relationship seem to be non-existent; where are the white men checking for their women when they go abroad? Because white privilege does not carry the weight of stereotypes, white women have the freedom to be portrayed as care-free. As they explore foreign lands, their sexual quests are defined as entitled awakenings instead of disrespect to their race. They do not suffer the cultural repercussions Black men face — being responsible for how relationships are portrayed to the greater society or helping progress the Black family unit. And that should be the lesson in this blame game.

Do you think there is a true difference between White women and Black men traveling abroad for sex/love? Should Black men be entitled to the same sexual freedom as White women when it comes to international sexcapades, or are the consequences of Black men’s actions far greater — and for whom?

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From Essence

Amerie’s hit song “1 Thing” never gets old for me. The track applauds the one thing about a potential beau that is driving her crazy – in the right way. So much so, in fact, that it has her “trippin’.” We’ve all been there. Whether it’s the way someone laughs, walks, or speaks that turns us on, there’s always just that one thing about that special person. Unfortunately, sometimes the opposite is true, and there’s just one thing that annoys the hell out of us about the one we’re with, and that’s just no fun.

My sister-friend just started dating a guy six weeks ago that she really likes. He is intelligent, worldly and they have similar interests. He has a great job and is well established in his career. At 35, he is an anomaly. He has never been married and has no kids…

Read more at Essence.com

Source: Shutterstock

From Essence

Yes, you read the title correctly, and I can see your eyebrows raised and neck hairs bristling up.  Don’t hop off the ride just yet. I need you to put on your seat belts and rock with me for a minute. I’m about to take you on a very personal journey that dropped me smack dab in the middle of Broken Hearts, USA.

I’m going to start with an urgent gripe of mine: Every time I turn around, the mating habits of African-American women are being scrutinized. There is always some broken-down bundle of research about how many Black women are single or an article about why we aren’t “suitable for long term relationships.” Gee whiz. I can’t digest any more of this crap. Check, please!

Perhaps what’s most disheartening is the fact that out of all the people who find fault in Black women, it’s brothers that are our toughest critics. They reject us for being too dark, having short hair, being plus size or having a less than bodacious donk (translation: a round posterior anatomy).  Sisters are lampooned for not being submissive enough, soft enough or simply too vocal with our opinions.  And the hits just keep on coming.

Is there any wonder that I say (with tears in my eyes) that “I didn’t give up on Black men, they gave up on me?” I came to this painful realization a few years ago, but it was a long time coming.

I can’t tell you exactly when I started feeling rejected by Black men; it was too many years ago to count.  I have been told that I am “too opinionated”, “too assertive”, “too outspoken” or “too fat” more times than I can care to admit. In my 20s I tried to twist and conform to become less, well, me. But, it was like a lioness trying to become a kitty cat. I finally decided that I simply couldn’t make myself smaller for others to feel bigger – not even for the sake of love.

My plan was to wait patiently for that some awesome Black man to look at me through accepting eyes and embrace me flaws and all. Ultimately, isn’t that what we all really want from love – to feel it unconditionally? Sigh…Dare I say, I’m still waiting.

Read more on Essence.com.

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From The Grio

When Vince Wilson, 44, was in his early 20s, he considered being a doctor, yet his own insecurities held him back.

“The bottom line is, I never thought I was smart enough,” he says.

Instead, he focused his interest on other fields in medicine, becoming an x-ray technician, an EMT, a certified nursing assistant and an Army and Air Force healthcare technician.

“I always had the impression that [only] the kids who were superior in math and science became doctors,” he says. Despite having good academic preparation, he adds that he didn’t think that his self-described “average” grades qualified.

Read more at TheGrio.com.

Oprah has chosen a rather interesting subject for her next “Oprah’s Next Chapter” special. After a slew of popular interviews from Lance Armstrong to Cissy Houston and Beyonce, O decided to mix things up a bit by sitting down with the controversial Chelsea Handler. Most know her as a late-night talk show host on E!, others only know of her relationship with 50 Cent, and almost anyone who has seen just 5 minutes of her show certainly knows she has a thing for black males — black male rappers to be specific.

Well, Oprah appears to be peeling the top back on her hardly subtle obsession during next week’s interview, and she’ll specifically ask about 50 Cent and let Chelsea set the record straight — whatever that means. Oprah also plans to ask Chelsea about her talk show, her new boyfriend, millionare André Balazs, who, surprisingly, happens to not be black, her difficult relationship with her father, and how getting a DUI at 21 launched her stand-up career.

Can’t say this special will be one on most of our radars but maybe Oprah will call Chelsea out on the carpet the way she does her guests. What do you think? The interview airs March 10 at 9. Will you watch?

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As a woman, if you’ve been to a club lately, you can do a quick scan of the room and see the odds of finding a man that night are not in your favor. It’s not only the thirsty women that make it hard to meet someone. It’s the fact that generally there are fewer men in the room. And the list gets even shorter when you consider whether or not he checks off your visual appearance box.

Since it’s a fact that there are more women in the United States than men, we are born with the odds against us for finding a life mate. However add in a bit of criteria, like a college degree, and the numbers are staggeringly worse. According to TheAtlantic.com, 22.9 percent of black women between the age of 25 and 29 have college degrees, while only 17 percent of black men have a college degree.

Women are beginning to adjust to this reality. Back in the late ’60s and early ’70s when the feminist movement was prevalent and women were burning bras, it was more likely that a woman with a college degree sought out a mate with equal or more education. However, since the ’70s this number has decreased more and more while the likelihood of men marrying a woman with a college degree has experienced a consistent increase.

In most metropolitan cities, including places like New York and Chicago, college-educated women outnumber college-educated men by an average of 29 percent. However the worst odds are in Sarasota, FL or Augusta, GA where women with college degrees outnumber men with college degrees by 82 percent and 56 percent respectively.

These numbers should not be totally discouraging. Black women, you can find a man! However it may make you put things in perspective when you meet that sweet bus driver instead of trying to hold out for the lawyer. Are you willing to work with the numbers and settle down with someone without a degree?

Check out CAP on Twitter: @in_allCAPs

Source: AP Images

On Tumblr, I follow some very militant black folk. Yesterday, and really for the past week and a half, I’ve seen some very extreme posts in support of Chris Dorner. In a series of posts, one woman said she wanted Chris Dorner to win, to get away, that those people, his victims, deserved to die. No, baby. If we can all agree on one thing, it’s that Dorner’s victims did not deserve to die.  That’s not the answer. Chris Dorner killed the daughter of the police chief who defended him in his case against the LAPD and her fiancé. That’s in addition to the two police officers he killed. If the LAPD fired him unjustly or for some racially motivated vendetta, they don’t deserve to die. And even if they did, it’s not Dorner’s decision to make.

In all of this, it’s clear that Dorner is mentally unstable, a sociopath who succumbed to evil in an attempt to avenge himself against what he claimed was years of racism. All of that being said though, I couldn’t help but empathize with him. While I would never defend Dorner’s method, being black in America affords you the “opportunity” to identify, in one way or another, with his story. How many of us have been mistreated, overlooked or blatantly disrespected simply because of our blackness? In his manifesto, which Dorner wrote to explain his actions, he said that since elementary school, he’d grown up in predominately white environments where he was often the victim of racism. Though the media has said that Dorner’s manifesto was an extensive rambling, full of incoherent thoughts and media shout outs; how many of us can relate to that story of growing up in or coming to work in a racist environment?

I have a friend who, in high school, transferred to a predominately white, private school and went through all types of hell, culminating in one of his classmates spitting on him in the hallway. It sounds like something from the ‘50s or ‘60s, but this was in the early 2000s. Would he have been wrong to retaliate? Maybe, who knows? But if he decided to strangle his classmate, (He didn’t.), you would understand his reaction. Racism is still very much alive in this country. It’s not a stretch for me to imagine the LAPD, or any other law enforcement agency for that matter, being discriminatory. They have plenty of history to support that claim. Like Dorner, I don’t believe the racism and discrimination against blacks stopped with Rodney King.  And over time, these repeated incidents of disrespect, unfairness and human indecency can work on a sane person’s nerves, patience, and compassion. It can gradually enrage you.  Yet, despite centuries of enslavement and subsequent racial injustices, black folks are expected to just endure it, forget it and move on, be above it. It was Audre Lorde who said, “Oppressors always expect the oppressed to extend to them the understanding so lacking in themselves.” That was just too much to ask of Chris Dorner and I get it.

I get it the same way I can understand Nat Turner rising up. It’s the reason I loved Django as much as I did. (Who wasn’t rooting for him to win?)  True, Dorner has been afforded far more opportunities and didn’t have it nearly as bad as the men I just mentioned. But the attitudes that contributed to Dorner’s mistreatment are akin to the mentality that made it okay to enslave blacks in this country, to legally consider them less than human and then torment them once they were freed. They’re the same attitudes that make the killing of an unarmed, black teenager remotely arguable in the court of law.

There’s a lot this country has to learn about racism and its detrimental effects to not only its victims but also its perpetrators. And in a completely unnecessary, sick, twisted and immoral way, I think that’s what Dorner was trying to do.

Joy DeGruy, an educator and author who writes and teaches about “Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome” said that even Thomas Jefferson, who is widely regarded as racist, knew that Americans, both black, white and people in between, would struggle with the effects of slavery. In an interview with “Like It Is,”  a local, public affairs television show DeGruy explained Jefferson’s position:

Thomas Jefferson was fully aware of what the impact of—the long term impact of enslavement would be—on white people and black people. He talked about the horror associated with what slave masters did. And that their children imitated the behavior among their friends and younger children that were enslaved. And that that built into a sickness on the part of Europeans and a hatred and antipathy on the part of Africans. And his greatest fear is that it would end in the extermination on one or the other race. He says because God cannot side with us, meaning Europeans, in this contest. He cannot side with us which means God will side with them. He says ‘Indeed, I tremble for my country when I consider that God is just and that His justice cannot sleep forever.’ So Thomas Jefferson not only knew at the time the wrongness associated, but recognized the long term impact.”

What saddens me most about this whole Dorner incident is that innocent people died in his attack against institutionalized racism. And not only did innocent people die, I fear that because of the way he went about accomplishing his mission that America will simply disregard him as an angry, crazy, dangerous big, black man instead of an extreme representation of the feelings, sentiments and grievances black people in this country have been harboring for centuries.

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This year my sister, her boyfriend and I decided to take the ride to D.C. and be a part of the inauguration festivities. Though we spent nearly an entire day in the cold, and wasted so much money to get there and back, I can honestly say that I’m glad I had the experience of being there to witness history. The vibe and the energy amongst the people standing outside in 45 degree weather was excited, unified and altogether jovial, despite the unfavorable conditions. Inauguration volunteers greeted us with “good mornings” and “thank you for comings.” Large groups of teenagers kept each other entertained with card games and trivial chatter; even the little kids managed to tough out the extremely long day with hot chocolate runs and waving the free American flags volunteers were passing out. The energy was charged with anticipation, yet simultaneously calm and relaxed. It was truly beautiful.

But umm… as soon as the president took his oath and Beyoncé sang, folks started acting out. Trying to get thousands of people out of the National Mall, after they’ve been there all morning long was no easy feat. In fact, it was such a task that military agents were stationed from the mall to each of the nearby Metro stations. And believe me they were needed. Before we even got to the street, men were cussing to no one in particular about trying to get out, women started shoving their breasts into backs trying to force people forward. The vibe had shifted. While the vast of majority of people were still content, on a high from what they’d just witnessed, others were “ret to go.” Naturally, no one in their right mind would have thought to drive that day, so most people in attendance, took the train. So that meant that thousands of people had to strategically be ushered down into the subway platforms without overcrowding it. That meant we spent over two hours making our way to the Subway station. We were in line for over an hour  trying to get into the Federal South station. Initially, folks, myself included, tried to find ways to wiggle themselves through barricades. A few women tried to negotiate with the military officers before eventually deciding to give up the fight and just wait in line like everybody else.

Most people were waiting patiently; but there were a few people, and one man in particular, who felt the military and the police didn’t know what the hell they were doing. First, there was one man who jokingly started a chant with the group of people on our side of the mass, “What about us? What about us?” Making sure the officials remembered to move this side of the line as well. . After the one solider assured us that he hadn’t forgotten us, laughing at our small protest, another man, an older black man, with a baseball cap and a gray goatee, who looked to be in his 60s, started barking orders at the officers, both local police and military, instructing them on how to do their job. “Move this side here and filter us onto the stairs!”  At first they humored him, telling him that they were doing the best that they could. The crowd thought he was joking like the other man. But he wouldn’t stop. The officers had stopped listening. His wife was pulling on his arm, suggesting he keep quiet and the crowd around him finally started to realize he was making an already bad situation, ten times worse. Once the man realized everyone had stopped dignifying his comments and certainly weren’t going to listen to his instructions, he started insulting the officers…loudly. “You idiots, you don’t know what you’re doing anyway!” 

Source: Shutterstock

A woman recently asked me, “Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman to be serious with, usually after he says he doesn’t want to commit to the girl he’s dating, but then ends up being in a committed relationship/marrying the next woman he dates?”

Even though I believe men are fairly simple, every man’s specific reasons for leaving a woman varies. For the record, regardless of what they say, I think men are always casually looking for a serious commitment. Maybe he’s just not that into you; maybe he was too into you; maybe he was once into you, but then he stopped being into you. I can’t speak on the exact reason a man leaves a woman, but I can speak on why it seems like men habitually settle down with the next woman they date after claiming they didn’t want a commitment. There are usually two primary reasons…

Reason #1 – She wasn’t really the “next woman”

In this instance, perception is not reality. Unless you know the details of your ex’s dating history after your relationship – and given the dominance of social media coupled with your willingness to stalk your ex, this is very possible – you can’t say without a doubt that your ex got with the “next woman” he dated. Maybe he dated several women before meeting the “next woman.” However, I guess that’s not very comforting to hear. For the sake of this post, let’s assume your ex made a seemingly random, serious commitment to the next woman he dated after you. How could this happen, after he told you several times, in so many words and actions, that a serious commitment wasn’t what he was looking for?

Well…

Reason #2 – You helped him become a better man…for another woman

In my opinion, males are born, but men are made. Every relationship, good or bad, is a learning experience for men. I’m sure this applies to women, too. However, when it comes to relationships, most males (or boys) learn how to become men through trial and error. As a man, it’s easy to learn how to operate independently, but a man has to be in a relationship (or several) to learn what’s expected of him as a man in a relationship. Stated differently, being a good man on paper doesn’t automatically make a man a good partner in a relationship. Even if related, good men still need to learn how to be good partners since a successful relationship extends beyond the satisfaction of one person.

Until your last relationship, every failed relationship is a learning opportunity. Whether we like it or not, many of us have helped or been a part of someone’s life as they improved as a person. In some instances, these people left our lives and used all of those new skills to benefit their next partner. It’s sort of like they used you to develop all the well-rounded qualities needed to succeed in a relationship, but despite your years of loyalty and sacrifice, when the time came to commit to you; they chose to take their talents down to South Beach.

Admittedly, some men consciously or subconsciously choose to have “starter relationships.” These are relationships where they test out being a committed man without the burdens of actually being a committed man. Afterwards, they apply what they learned from the starter relationship in their next relationship, and they don’t have to go through all the same mistakes with the new woman. After all, you only have to learn how to ride a bike once. The same can be said for a relationship. The trials and tribulations of the starter relationship teach men how to be better partners. Ideally, the woman’s sacrifice of time and effort are rewarded with a commitment, but there is no guarantee, especially if there was never a commitment in place to begin with.

Honestly, most men know when they want to be with a woman and when they don’t. It might seem like he randomly settled down with the “next woman,” but in actuality he was likely better prepared, older, and more mature when the opportunity for a committed relationship presented itself. This might be because of you or in spite of you. However, you can avoid being the practice/starter wife by exiting a relationship whenever you feel like a man is stringing you along, because chances are he is stringing you along. You want to be his final destination, not just another woman along his journey of self-discovery. If you’re unsure where you fall, then you should have a serious conversation that confirms you both have the same view of the future; otherwise, when the commitments are doled out, you might find yourself on the outside looking in.

Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman? Why do men say they’re not looking for anything serious, then randomly commit?

WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.