When you’re dating, you never know what type of mess you’re going to find yourself in.Wouldn’t it be great if we could see the type of baggage potential partners are carrying before we get involved? Yeah, it would certainly help. But unfortunately the cookie doesn’t crumble that way. Instead, we have to go through it. We asked our Facebook followers, which things they wish they knew about their romantic partners before they ever got caught up. There are some outrageous stories. Check them out.

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Diandra: He liked guys too.

Vanessa: That’s he’s full of shyt!! EVERYTHING that came out his mouth was a lie.

Hey Readers,

The month of February encourages us to celebrate the love we feel for others, and to respect and acknowledge Black history.  Well, with these things in mind, we can put ourselves on the back burner and instead of learning from our own past, we look at it with disdain while not learning from it; and for a while I did that.  I am a strong believer in using introspection to help others, and I hope you allow me to do so at this time.

Relationships can be such a beautiful thing to experience.  But with every rose you run the risk of being pricked by a few thorns. Most of us have experienced the break ups, the promises of “baby, I’ll do better,” and the annoyance that you feel with yourself when you believe the line and the person continues to behave the exact same way, but you stay.  For me this type of annoyance I had for myself began to turn into self-loathing after one bad relationship after another.

I’m a very strong person, but I found myself overwhelmed with emotion thinking about the violation, the disappointment, the self-anger, it all bubbled in me.  But after promises of “It’ll never happen again,” I stayed, with internal disappointment at myself because this wasn’t how I was raised.  Living in a two parent, upper-middle class household where my father told me he loved me constantly and he and my mother were both such supportive influences in my life.  What would they say?

After ending a particularly horrible relationship, as I took inventory of the courtship I realized that I hated myself more than I hated him.  I was the stupid person that stayed. Why am I such a people pleaser?  My sisters aren’t suffering with this.  What is wrong with me?

After months of feeling this way, I had to learn that hating myself wasn’t helping me at all.  If anything, it was continuing the destructive affect he had on my life.  I had to learn that instead of being angry with myself for staying as long as I did, to be proud that I, at least, took a step forward to getting better by leaving.  I had to learn that the only love that’s really important is the love that you give yourself.

After situations like these, it’s so easy to beat yourself up, and over look the small victories, of moving on, and beginning to like who you see in the mirror.  But you HAVE to notice those victories, because they are the silver linings.  They are the encouragement to do more, to be better, to learn from the past.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and you’ll always be able to see what you did wrong when you look back on the situation, but if you just fixate on the problems while badgering yourself, you’re not finding a solution.

You have to get back to loving yourself, because YOU are worth it.  YOU are amazing and YOU do deserve so much better than you’re getting.

Kendra Koger loves herself.  You should love her twitter account @kkoger.

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In a relationship, there is always the risk that it’ll end, either mutually, or because of you, or because of him. Not all relationships have happy endings and sometimes those ends come after plenty of warning signs and red flags. If you’re in a relationship with a guy that is going down-hill, there are some definite signs to look out for. Here are 14 signs that your boyfriend is breaking up with you in the near future.

Even though emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical marks, it is said to be the hardest type of abuse to understand and escape. Emotional abuse can occur in the many relationships and for those impacted, stick and stones may break their bones, but words will never hurt them. Here are 15 signs that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

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He puts you down.

Us women love compliments, that’s a fact. If your guy talks down to you and makes you feel like less than who you really are, it’s time to reconsider. No man is worth losing your self-esteem or self-confidence over.

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Ever have someone ask you if you were in a relationship and your reply was, “It’s complicated”? I think most people have experienced at least one of these in their lives. It’s the kind of thing where you don’t really know where you stand as a couple; you’re not sure if you’re together, friends with benefits, bed buddies, or just plain ol’ friends. The two of you may take a day-long, week-long or even month-long break on a regular basis, only to reunite, and you often wonder to yourself, “What are we doing?” You’re on-again-off-again and undefined, and whatever it is you’re doing has you, him and everyone around you confused.

In a lot of these cases there is a strong bond between the two involved, so it’s hard to let go even if you both think it’s the best thing to do. A close friend of mine is in a situation like this. Her and her childhood sweetheart are together one week and not talking the next, but they’re “just friends.” They both date other people but continue to hang out, go shopping with one another, buy each other gifts and celebrate birthdays together. There’s no sex between them (or so they say, but honestly, I don’t believe them), no intimacy at all, yet they still discuss kids, marriage and their future together as a whole, but again, they’re “just friends.” Talk about complicated, I would say that they are the absolute definition of the word. It’s as if they want to have the other around, but don’t know if they really want to be in a relationship. Either way, it’s a mess.

The worse ones are the relationships where you consider yourself to be involved, but you go through so much drama and separations that you don’t even want to claim each other half the time. Like another one of my friends whose promiscuous boyfriend can’t decide if he wants to be with her and only her, so they break if off at least twice a week, and every time he switches up and changes his mind about what he wants. She knows his entire family, is close with all his friends and even hangs out with his sisters, but his nonsense has her feeling silly and she often finds herself telling people that they’re only “cool” when they’re actually madly in love with one another. However, he just can’t keep it in his pants, and she hates him for it.

But at some point, these kind of relationships get draining, right? You get tired of the confusion, the aggravation, anger, the pain. Sometimes you just have to say “enough is enough.” When? If you find yourself losing sleep, spending all day wondering if it’ll work, sad and deprived of joy, neglecting your friends because not only is your spirit is too low to go out and have fun, but because you’re leaving your schedule open in case he calls, do what your grandma would say and “let that be.” You have to do what’s best for you, and anything or anyone who’s not contributing to your happiness and well-being doesn’t deserve a spot in your life. And, let’s be real, it’s not always the guy’s fault. A lot of times, we’re the ones to blame. We sometimes give men the runaround, unsure of what we really want, if we want to be friends, married, single, or just have fun, and often times we just don’t know. So if you’re with a person who’s serious about you but your indecisiveness is taking a toll on their emotional health, do what’s right and tell them to move on as well. Even if they don’t want to, you know that you don’t have yourself together, so respect them enough to let them go. Either way, you don’t want to waste too much time playing the complicated game and blocking yourself from the person who is out there waiting for you.

You and your man argue all the time. It’s to a point where you can’t even look at him without wanting to turn up your nose or slap his face. You try to make things work, but time and time again, he proves that he’s not going to change, and he doesn’t seem to be putting in much effort either. Whether he’s sleeping around, lazy and bumming it up, messing up the bill money, or just mean and vicious to you, his behavior has got you fed up.
Simply put, you want out. You pack up your stuff—or his—telling yourself that this time is different. You’re going to put an end to this, for real. But as you sit and think, a wave of emotion rushes over you and you find that you just can’t do it. Unfortunately, this happens all the time, and your man notices.

Why? You love him. Or maybe you think you need him. Some women put up with the pain simply because they don’t think they can handle paying the bills on their own. Others feel that they are too old, too unattractive or have too many kids to find anything better. What man is going to take in someone else’s seeds as their own or overlook all of those hideous flaws that you keep telling yourself are unattractive, right? Or, as it seems sometimes, some women are just plain scared of being lonely.

Whatever the case, anytime you’ve seriously contemplated exiting a relationship, more than once, it’s pretty obvious that this rollercoaster ride you’re on with your man is plain ol’ TOXIC. He’s no good for you. And your arguing makes it no better. It only keeps you stressed and angry and makes him bitter because you keep nagging and trying to change him. Trust me, I’ve witnessed this firsthand because I’ve been through it. And because you always claim you’re going to book it, but continue to keep running right back, he’s going to keep taking you for granted, feeling like he can proceed to do whatever he’s doing that drives you nuts, because ultimately, you’re not going anywhere anyway.
And could you blame him for thinking this way? How could you really expect him to take you seriously if you keep letting him get away with the same things? It’s like trying to teach a child right from wrong but rewarding them whenever they do something good AND when they’re bad. It’s backwards. In situations like this, it boils down to this: you have to know your worth. If you’re a woman who takes care of her man, cooks, cleans, has the ability to keep him smiling and make him feel comfortable, all while excelling in life and taking care of yourself, then you don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t respect you or give you the same kind of love and nurturing in return.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to get it together eventually, boo. If things are really meant to be between the two of you, he will eventually come around and do better, and maybe then you can live happily ever after. If that’s honestly what you want. But in the meantime, find the inner strength to let him go. If not, you’ll continue to drown in misery for a very long, long time.

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From YourTango

New York, NY (December 17, 2012): A survey of YourTango Experts exposes the ugly truth about toxic relationships. For starters, a staggering eighty-nine percent agree that half or more of all people have toxic relationships in their lives.

But how can you tell if you are in one? The top three indications of toxicity include: “spending more time fighting than enjoying each other,” “regularly feeling like you can’t do anything right” and “feeling depressed and/or anxious.” Two other telltale signs of toxic relationships are when the relationship stops being fulfilling and when you notice friends start distancing themselves from you.

Additionally, 71% of experts identify poor relationship role models, including parents, as the leading cause of toxic relationship habits, followed closely by low self-esteem, with “fear of being truly open with someone else” clocking in third.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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Though it can be extremely hard, it’s always better to let go of a bad dead end relationship instead of stringing it along. Nobody ever  said it would be easy, but in the end you have to do what’s right for you. Here are 14 ways to move on and let go of a bad relationship once you realize it is going anywhere — or at least where you want it to go.

It was a couple of days before I had a really major assignment due; an assignment I’d been slaving over the entire semester. The one assignment that could determine my fate as a student at my university. I was totally freaking out. The professor whom I had to submit the assignment to was also the director of the Media & Communications department and although she only stood at about 5’2″, she was nothing short of intimidating with her vague directions and her blasé attitude.

“If Jesus decided to come back before I have to submit this assignment I wouldn’t even be mad,” I text him.

“Lol, you’ll be fine. You’re smart and hardworking. Plus, you put a lot of effort into this assignment,”  he replied. He followed up that text with a very thoughtful prayer asking God to help me focus, remain calm, and carry out the task at hand. It was like something clicked in that moment. That little nudge wrapped in a blanket of encouragement, sealed with a prayer seemed to be exactly what I needed. I let out a deep sigh, shook myself off, relocated my “mojo” and got back to work. I completed my project not long after.

I reflected on our conversation later on that night and thought “So, this is what it feels like to find someone who actively, positively, and genuinely contributes to your life.” When I really got to thinking about it, he’s been that way for the entire five years we’ve been friends and the last five months that we’ve been something else. I made a mental note that if he wasn’t the one, I certainly wanted someone with similar characteristics.

We’re all aware that relationships can take on a slew of different characteristics. There are those toxic relationships where your significant other seems to bring out the “crazy” in you. There are those damaging relationships that seem to magnify your flaws and amplify your insecurities. Then, there are those relationships that uplift and inspire, and whether they work out or not, you’re a better person as a result of them.

It took me awhile to fully grasp this concept, but now that it has clicked, I wish I had learned it so much sooner. The concept that love should be more substantial than superficial. Your significant other should be able to do more than just give you butterflies, make you blush, and whisper sweet empty nothings. Those same lips that whisper sweet nothings should eventually be able to utter words of substance and reassurance in the midst of challenging times and of course, you should be capable of reciprocating. It is a concept that seems so basic and a characteristic that should be so common, yet is so frequently lacking and overlooked.

In an article featured on Psychology Today, Dr. Alice Boyes discusses ten ways in which your relationships could and should help an individual to grow as a person. Some of the points that she made included:

• Relationships that provide “practical support that allows you to pursue your personal goals.”
• Relationships that provide “emotional support that helps you persist with hard things.”
• Relationships that “help you learn to trust that another person will be dependable and emotionally available to you.”

I’m not suggesting that anyone should look to another person or a relationship to feel complete, because I definitely subscribe to the philosophy that a healthy relationship consists of two whole people, but what I am saying is that if a person isn’t contributing anything substantial to their partner’s life, then exactly what are they doing?

Do you believe that your relationships should help you to grow as a person?

Jazmine Denise is a freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twittter @jazminedenise

All photos are courtesy of ShutterStock 

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We all experience failed relationships until we find that one special person, and while some of us only have to deal with the hardship of a breakup a few times, others have it much harder. If you’ve had bad relationship after bad relationship, or if a recent breakup has just been awful, here are 15 tips to help you recover and keep a positive outlook towards dating.

Give yourself time.

When a relationship ends, it’s likely that you’ll be sad, angry, upset, and confused. Always give yourself time to grieve and to adjust.