All Articles Tagged "bad breath"
Love makes you do crazy things; apparently like does too, like date somebody whose breath is 50 shades of flammable. That’s the most descriptive way I can convey what I tolerated for a few months out of my young life several years ago.
*Patrick’s family had been longtime friends of my family for years before we ever started hanging out; he and I were good friends, but if I can be honest I still wasn’t above laughing at the jokes about his “halitosis breath” that were routinely made behind his back. Everybody loved Patrick; his humor, his sarcasm, his self-righteousness, but everyone in our group of friends knew his breath was a problem. And based on the cracks thrown at him sometimes when that noted self-righteous sarcasm got out of hand, I assumed he knew it was too.
That’s why “smile, grin, and bear it” was essentially my mode of tolerance when Patrick and I took things from being friends to dating. That meant the parameters of physical intimacy greatly decreased from a safe distance where I could inquisitively hold a finger under my nose when he talked to create the appearance of deep thought (I was really inhaling the odor of my finger) to now having to taste and even inhale that breath. *Shudders*
During that dating time frame, I recall my mom calling and scolding me one day for overdrawing my bank account. I can’t recall what I’d spent all my money on, but if I had to guess now it would be gum; lot and lots of gum. Wrigley’s, Trident, and Dentene are the only thing that kept the hairs in my nostrils from disintegrating during me and Patrick’s PG 13 moments. Never did I leave the house without gum, tic tacs, those little Listerine strips… something was always available and it was a routine practice to put it in my mouth in his presence and, of course, offer him a piece as well. I can’t say that Patrick’s breath was always straight hell fire, but on 8 out of 10 he was in need of assistance toothpaste and flossing just didn’t provide, and because I liked him enough in spite of this major drawback I stuck it out.
Now I’m sure many of you are wondering why I didn’t just say something and the truth is I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, which I apparently valued more than my sense of smell. Funny enough, my feelings didn’t matter nearly as much to him as he moved on to some other girl and broke things off with me within about three months or so — yes in that order. I was mad about it at the time, but in a weird way I find comfort in knowing I wasn’t the only girl silly enough to tolerate his struggle breath. Now as for the side-stepping, that I couldn’t do. But if I find myself in another situation like this, I will be sure to take cues from our friends in the Relationship Hacks video below who laid out the perfect guide for telling a man his breath is a problem. Watch, learn and be amused.
Before having too many selfies on his Instagram page or a corny self-description on his dating profile became debatable relationship deal breakers, there was one thing no man or woman on the dating scene would tolerate from a potential partner: bad breath.
Such a big issue with such a quick fix, bad breath is one of those things that gets under people’s skin because for the life of us we can’t understand how the person doesn’t know their breath stinks! But perhaps the issue is no one has ever told them. Mmmhmmm, did you ever think about that?
Well we did and we’re here to help if you should find yourself in the unfortunate situation of being within arms length of a brotha whose mouth smells like he was chewing on garbage all morning. Ladies, this is how you tell him about his situation.
Bad sex. We’ve all had it at least once in our lives. How many times have you wished you could get those 2 hours (or 2 minutes) of your life back when you could’ve spent the evening washing and twisting your hair instead? After all, he was a cute new boo and he seemed sweet, so we gave in…and maybe even gave him another chance to redeem himself – only to be disappointed yet again.
Even though bad sex can be hard to predict, especially if there’s some sort of chemistry, some would argue there are signs that the sex will be terrible before you actually have it. Now of course, there are no fail-safe signals, but if any of these signs are present, you may want to skip the romp in the sack altogether and save yourself the time and trouble.
By Recovering nostril hairs
Don’t judge. I know you will, but it just felt like the right thing to say given what I’m about to tell you. The only reason I’m writing this is because during a brainstorming meeting my boss said she wanted someone to explain the psychology behind being able to date someone with tart breath (to put it mildly) and never tell them about it. Before I knew, it I was opening my big mouth announcing, “Oh I did that,” and when I had a Tupac All Eyez on Me moment I knew I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. Yet here I am translating my diarrhea of the mouth to pen (or keys), which, ironically, is a fitting analogy for the odor I endured during that brief relationship.
In my defense, I was 18, I had known the guy nearly all my life, and we didn’t date that long. Still, the joke to end all jokes on him was that his breath smelled like some sort of horrid combination of rust and metal. And there I was putting my tongue all up in and through the danger zone. Gag me. Literally.
I imagine that experience is why I have such an obsession with pearly whites and oral hygiene these days, but for some reason during the end of my senior year of high school and throughout the summer before yuck mouth (YM), as I’ll call him, and I went to our respective colleges, I was willing to let my nostrils take that L for the sake of another l-word. Hell naw, not love! It was lusty hormones. Sorry, that’s the best logic I’ve got to explain my actions.
So how did I do it? Let’s just say I’m pretty sure I put a Trident exec or two’s kid through college during those summer months. Any time I was about to meet up with YM, there was a pang of anxiety in my stomach, worrying just what level of stank his mouth was going to reek of that day. Sometimes it was an, “Oh, hell no, did they not believe in toothbrushes in your household?” Other times it was like, “OK, I can work with this if you take 2 tic tacs, a piece of gum, and a squirt or two of binanca straight to the head.” In all seriousness, gum was my lifesaver. I’m never one to leave home without it anyway, but I made sure to double up when I knew we’d be hanging out. And just in case any of you are finding yourself in the unfortunate position of slobbing a yuck mouth, know that the flavor must absolutely be wintergreen, green mint, winter mint, peppermint, or anything in that category. Messing around with that wildberry, bubble mint mess with have feeling like you just stuck your tongue in a field of strawberries that mother nature defecated on. Learn from me, don’t do it to yourself.
Being careful not to stand too close when talking also helped. Like with anything else, the longer you think about something the less likely you are to do it. If I would have been up in his face for too much time before we had one of our cheesy makeout sessions, I’m pretty sure I would have eventually ran the other way and pulled one of those curfew copouts or fake phone calls to get myself up out of that sticky spot. But when the odor doesn’t overcome you until right about the time that you’re ready to start exchanging pecks, those teenage hormones are already in overdrive and you figure eff it. What doesn’t make me throw up, only makes my stomach stronger.
As for why I didn’t tell YM about the atrociousness spilling from his oral orifices. Simple: I wouldn’t be telling him anything he didn’t already know or that would make a difference. The thing is, gum was like a band-aid over his breath. Heck, toothpaste was a bandage over that putrocity (yeah, I made that up). I was convinced my summer fling/friend thing had a serious case of halitosis and what I knew for sure, like Oprah says, is that simply saying “your breath smells” didn’t even cover the half and was surely not going to remedy that ailment. Even more so, this man had a mama, a daddy, a sister, and best friends who happened to be my cousins. If none of them had let him in on the secret, which really wasn’t a secret, who was I to drop the fake bomb? I figured at some point, his younger sibling had to have hit him with a “that’s why yo breath stank,” “shut yo stank breath having butt up,” “your breath smells like rotten eggs mixed with feces” crack at some point during an argument. If he didn’t heed his family or his boy’s warnings, or if his parents didn’t love him enough to fix that ish by the time he became a legal adult, I was not the one.
Looking back on that relationship, I am a little surprised I was down for the boo boo breath for so long. I think that had we not been cool and pretty good friends before we tried dating for a while, I probably would’ve nipped that in the bud early. But it’s amazing what you’re willing to look past when you genuinely like someone. Good thing he turned out to suck as a wanna-be boyfriend or else I might still be going broke on breath alixers. Now when I think about it, I see why I was able to cut him off for other transgressions so easily. Nobody wants to be the girl crying her eyes out over a negro with egregious breath. Halitosis saved my soul.
Have you ever gotten mixed up with someone whose oral freshness wasn’t so fresh?
More on Madame Noire!
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- An Open Letter To The Almighty Goatee
- It’s Not About You Boo: Times When Your Sensitivity Gets In The Way
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- The Danger Of Marrying For Practical Purposes: Why I Think Those Who “Settle” Are Potential Cheaters
- The Thirst Files: She Pulled A Disappearing Act, I Got Desperate
We’ve all had them, those sticky, tacky, awkward situations that we humans have to deal with sometimes. Most of them occur at the most inappropriate and embarrassing times but we’ve got you covered on how to handle them…
There’s nothing worse than an amazing gift with one small glitch. Kind of like a good man with bad breath. It sucks. But have no fear Madame Noire is here…along with some well-respected dentists, to give tips on keeping ‘kissing breath’ fresh.