An old friend of mine called me up recently and told me about her latest man drama. Jasmine* is the type of person who doesn’t take crap from anyone, so when she shared her story, I was shocked. Anywho, she recently met a nice guy named Dorian who treated her better than any man she’d ever dated. She was really digging him. As they got to know each other, they eventually came across the subject of children. To her strong dismay, she discovered that he had not one, not two, not even three, but FIVE little ones roaming the planet.

She was disappointed, but decided that it wasn’t so bad. Plus she has a son of her own, so she didn’t want to pass judgment. That is, until he dropped the biggest bomb since the ones unleashed on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were dropped: not only did he have five kids, but by four different women. Hold up, pause! Four baby mothers?

After she finished checking the wax in her ears, it became clear that he was serious. Despite her hesitation, Jasmine decided to still give him a try. He was a sweet guy after all. Fast forward a few dates and they’re chilling at his house. Next thing she knew, their movie was being interrupted by the sound of a loud-mouthed woman hollering Dorian’s name. They both ran to the window and were met with the sight of bricks busting through his car windows, tire-slashing and keys running along his passenger side door. It took her a few seconds to realize what was going on, but once it registered, everything was clear: Dorian, while a nice guy, simply had a bad case (maybe terrible) of baby momma drama.

To my surprise, she went out with him again. She said he explained the situation and apologized that it happened, claiming it wouldn’t go down again. Yeah, okay. Well, on their way back to his place after catching a flick one Saturday evening, his phone kept blowing up. It rang and rang, but he would not answer. She asked who it was, and he told her that it was two of his kids’ mothers. Jasmine insisted that he answer because it could’ve been an emergency, but he told her it wasn’t and not to worry about it. That didn’t stop his phone from ringing though, and she could tell that he was beyond annoyed. It got to a point where he just turned his phone off.
Next thing she knew, they’d pulled up to his house and who do they see? None other than his baby mother (a different one) standing on his front porch with two kids hanging from her limbs. She didn’t even speak. As soon as she saw him pull up, she hopped in her black Accord and sped off, leaving the poor babies standing on the porch in a daze and Dorian mad as hell. Jas knew then that it was time to leave him alone, and she claims that she hasn’t called him since.

Her story just made me think, is it possible for a man to have a few kids by different women without there being drama involved? I thought about all the men I know who have more than one child by a different woman, and for the most part, their situations have all been pretty hectic and stressful for all parties involved at certain points in time. There have been instances of violence, restraining orders, custody battles—just plain ‘ol drama. Drama, drama, drama, drama and more unnecessary drama (even for my guy friends with just one kid).

I came to the conclusion that when you’re dealing with a man carrying a load like this, you are probably going to experience some type of stress. If you’re lucky, if might not be frequent and in some rare cases (if all of the women involved are completely mature and the man is doing what he needs to do to take care of his children), you might not experience problems at all. But you better believe that in most cases, something is going to pop off, especially if your man is still tipping with one—or more—of the mothers of his children (which was likely the case with Dorian and baby mother number one).

And what makes matters worse is that there is always the possibility of your man impregnating one—or more—of these women—again! It happens all the time. He swings by the house to drop off the kids and ends up picking up their mother. Now I’m not saying that things can’t work between you and your man if he has a bunch of kids with multiple women, because as I said, some situations are headache free (look at T.I. and Tiny; at least their situation seems peaceful), but good luck with that. I just couldn’t do it. And I’m pretty sure Jasmine would tell you that it’s not worth the hassle either…

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“We Are Family” is the anthem that Sister Sledge made popular. Blood is blood but kin born outside the mother’s womb aren’t being recognized as they should nowadays. A distinction of separate but equal has taken over, where mothers are keeping their children from having a close relationship with siblings born outside of relationships, or who came into the picture from a parent’s new relationship. The practice may spare the adults hurt feelings, but it’s the children who suffer when they’re not allowed to have a meaningful relationship with their brothers and sisters.

In an ideal world, families would be raised under one roof with two loving parents to help guide and nurture their children into adulthood. Alas, idealism isn’t reality, and sometimes people make less than positive choices that bring children into the world. No one’s life is as perfect as they try to make it out on Facebook. It’s hard raising a family. It’s even harder when a child is born outside of a couple’s relationship. Two high profile examples of that can be seen by former Senator John Edwards and producer Swizz Beatz. They both had children outside of their failed marriages.

Swizz was married to his now ex-wife Mashonda, with whom he had a son with, when he fathered a little girl outside of their relationship by the name of Nicole. He had the child with a singer from the U.K. Mashonda found it in her heart to accept the little one, and even went as far as to wish her mother a Happy Mother’s Day. Whether or not it was sincere or covered in a layer of shade, we don’t know, but she’s made the effort and Swizz has stepped up as a father. When he tweets about his kids, Nicole’s can be seen with her brothers (as Mashonda’s son Kasseem can be seen with Alicia Keys’s son, Egypt), and she often gets her own shout outs and love.

For John Edwards, his lovechild, Frances Quinn, wasn’t immediately a priority. When she came into the picture, he went on national television and denied paternity because he wanted to save his reputation. He finally acknowledged the little girl publicly a few months back when he was acquitted from his corruption charges and referred to her as “precious,” and a lot more: “My precious Quinn, who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, and I am so close to, and am so, so grateful for, so grateful for Quinn.”

His affectionate sentiment got under the skin of many. And while some people have their emotions invested in hating Rielle Hunter, his mistress and the mother of Quinn, that’s no reason to transfer that hostility onto their daughter, or to be upset when her father shows love for her. However, during Rielle’s recent book tour for her tell-all, she admitted that her mistakes have affected Quinn since she has no relationship with her older siblings.

Another example, but with a happy ending, is Sean Combs. Diddy and the mothers of his children have avoided that painful dynamic after letting time pass, realizing that family is family. The producer and mogul had his daughter, Chance, while in a serious relationship with on-again, off-again love, Kim Porter. Of course, soon after Chance was born (five months later), his twins were brought into the world and the little girl no longer was a secret. Porter was said to be devastated, and for a long while, didn’t want her daughters, D’Lila and Jessie around or acquainted with Chance. However, times have changed, and hearts have softened. Diddy recently tweeted a picture of all three little girls hanging out together, and all seems well and good. The adults finally got out of their feelings and put the kids first, because we all know that shunning a child does not change DNA, or past mistakes.

It takes a big person to rise above hardened feelings, but when you’re a parent, it’s what you need to do. No one should have to be 15 and introduced to three grown men who are strangers at first glance, but in reality, are brothers never spoken of or brought around. That’s what happened to me. I still remember the feelings I had and what I did when I met my big brothers for the first time: I just hugged them. I saved the questions for later and just embraced each of them, just glad I got to meet them, even if much time had passed. We don’t have a super-glue bond, but at least there is one. My eldest brother even thought of me a few weeks ago and sent me a story about Kindle helping struggling authors get ahead. It was a small gesture, but he thought of me and that’s what family is about.

Sometimes, tough pills need to be swallowed for the greater good. For the good of the children and the good of the parent as well. There’s no need to keep siblings separated, or blame a child for the indiscretions of their parent. They didn’t ask to come into the world, but since they’re here, why not let them bond with their family?

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