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From YourTango

Most  women are very appreciative in our hearts.  We feel flattered when a man compliments us or shows interest.  If the attention and praise is coming from an attractive man, some of us get so excited and caught off guard that we freeze up with nerves and/or question his sincerity.  For this reason, most women often forget to express appreciation.  We forget to say “thank you.”  We don’t take that extra moment when out with a man on a date to look him in the eye, soften our voice and tell him that he’s touched our heart.

A lot of time we even deflect compliments and acts of kindness and honor.  A man will say “You look beautiful tonight” and we rush to compliment him back: “So do you!”  Even though men enjoy flattery they want to feel that their compliments have landed with us and positively affect us.  Most men don’t know that a woman who can’t say “thank you” is really just uncomfortable basking in male attention.  Usually a man will take a deflected compliment personally, feeling he doesn’t have the power to impress his date with words.

Dating is the opposite of a job interview or a chit-chat with friends.  A date is your time to be vulnerable, playful and gentle.   Think about the men who turn you on—they are the ones that can slow down and connect with you in a sensual and melodic way that makes you feel like the only woman in the room.  It’s time to make him feel like the only man in your universe– even if you are juggling three other guys on the side.

What Attracts A Man To A Woman:  Softness

It doesn’t matter how “tough girl” you are or how rowdy and loud your laugh– softness is about tenderness and vulnerability and even the loudest gals can be soft in all the right ways!

Read more at YourTango.com

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From YourTango

Our culture promotes sex everywhere from magazine covers to product advertisements. When sex sells, it sets us up to objectify ourselves and others. When we objectify someone, we really don’t see the other person. We lose out on the most intimate loving parts of a relationship and we look to magazines, books and blogs to help us get the relationship we’ve always wanted. What we fail to realize is that the best person to consult about our beauty is ourselves.

When a person owns her innermost self — and is happy with who she is — she projects a beauty radiating with confidence. People naturally are drawn to those who make them feel good. Healthy sexuality and intimacy is about having the courage to love and be loved in return. Here are some ways in which people benefit from sex:

Having a healthy attitude about your sexuality promotes beauty from within. Experts say, “a sexually healthy person is someone who feels comfortable with his or her sexuality.” This means, a person doesn’t view s*x as something naughty, bad, improper or sinful and can engage in it without feeling guilty or anxious. When you’re comfortable with who you are on the inside, your attractiveness is infectious on the outside. Others want to be around you and have what you have.

Read more at YourTango.com

Bearded & Black

From StyleBlazer

In a new study from the University of South Wales, men with beards were found to be more attractive, better parents and healthier than shaven ones. That’s right fellas, grow it out!

The university surveyed 350 women and 200 men by asking them to rate men by attractiveness, health, masculinity and parenting abilities from photographs of men who were clean-shaven, lightly or heavily stubbled and fully bearded. Published in the latest issue of “Evolution and Human Behavior,” the surprising results found that “beardedness affects judgments of male socio-sexual attributes and suggest that an intermediate level of beardedness is most attractive while full-bearded men may be perceived as better fathers who could protect and invest in offspring.”

To read more about the study, go here.

But first, look below at the best celebrity beards. It was a close call for all these non-shaven men, but this is what we came up with:

Source: Shutterstock

YourTango

I was talking to one of my female clients in her early 40’s that has never been married.  She told me that she tends to be attracted to men by mostly looks and finds that these relationships sizzle out and don’t move forward as she would hoped for.  So how do you find true love that will last?

Yes, looks are important from the standpoint that you have to be attracted to your mate.  Especially with women, attraction can grow as you get to know someone over time.  However what most of us are looking for is someone who makes us feel special, exudes warmth and is someone we can trust.

Case in point – my husband wasn’t initially on my radar.  He is a quieter guy and relates better one on one.  I met him through a bicycling group in the DC area.  I had to give him a chance to get to know him.  As I spent more time with him, the more I liked him.  I found out that we shared many values in common, had the same life goals and saw things on the same wavelength.  He became more attractive to me over time.

On the other hand, with someone that I though was cute and definitely had my look, I noticed some personality clashes.  I found out that he did not appreciate me for who I really am – a social person.  He got mad at me when I talked to other people at a community pool that I have been a member of for many years. And yet he was off swimming laps when I was having this conversation!  He became less attractive to me when he got jealous of me talking to my friends.

In recent years the 3 top ways that people meet their mates are:

1. Through friends and face to face interactions such as social gatherings.

2. Through school or work.  Here you see people day in and day out.  You get to know them on a deeper level and see how they operate with others over time.

3. Through online dating.  This method expands your network and you don’t really get to see the person until after you have selected them from their profiles (Is it accurate?) emails back and forth and eventually have phone contact with you.   So here, physical attractiveness is not able to be determined until you meet face to face.

Each way of meeting someone has a different mode of gathering information about someone to find out if they truly are a good life partner.

Read more on YourTango.com.

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“We attract hearts by the qualities we display; we retain them by the qualities we possess; and we destroy them by the qualities we fail to display.” -Liz Lampkin

It was a hot Fourth of July holiday; my son and I were invited to a barbecue for fun and fellowship at a close friend’s home. While the meal was being prepared, my son’s godmother and I were engaging in conversation when the doorbell rang. As my son’s godmother walked toward the door, she stated that it was probably her stepson outside, because he comes to dine with them often. Initially, I didn’t think anything of her comments until he walked over the threshold of the door. This young man was one of the finest beings of God’s creation I had laid eyes on in quite some time, and my first thoughts about him were, Umm, Umm, Umm …(I’ll keep the rest to myself). Then I took a deep breath without anyone noticing to clear the thoughts that were moving about in my head. When the young man walked in, he spoke to everyone, and then my son’s godmother introduced him to me. He said hello, and I responded with the same greeting. He then went outside to join his father. When Mr. Physical Attraction walked past, my eyes followed him, and I intricately observed his every move until he disappeared. When he left the room, I had this feeling of anxiousness and passion to get to know him. But then, I realized that I only wanted to know him because of his outer appearance, and my only concerns were his physique and how I could benefit from it.

The quote above makes a powerful statement. It suggests that we initially draw someone’s attention, emotions and affections by the things we do, we keep someone’s interest with the qualities we have within, and we can destroy a relationship in its entirety by the qualities that are lacking within. It made me think to ask myself, as a woman, what qualities do I display to attract someone’s attention? What qualities retain my attention? What initially attracts me to someone, and what holds my attention? An attraction is to draw by appealing to the emotional, physical attributes, or senses by stimulating interest. It is to arouse or compel that interest, admiration, or the attention of someone by various actions, intellect, or appearance that appeal to the human senses.

There are many types of attractions that exist that include but aren’t limited too: cognitive, emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual. A cognitive attraction is the compelling interest in someone’s intellect. It is being drawn to the way someone thinks, the philosophies they live by, and/or their points of view about life. This attraction comes from introducing, sharing, and discussing new ideas and thoughts regarding different aspects of life. It brings forth new ways of thinking and points of view of life to someone, which in turn draws the attraction to unfamiliar, fresh, and exciting ideas. An emotional attraction is an egotistical attraction that allows someone to be drawn to an emotion that is lacking in someone else’s life. This attraction seeks to fulfill the emotion that is lacking within someone else to assist him or her in moving forward from a disturbing emotional experience. While seeking to fulfill an emotion lacking in someone else, the person may be subconsciously seeking emotional fulfillment for him or herself. Emotional attractions often lead people to go into the heroine or hero syndrome, which is an egotistical syndrome that leads people to believe they can save and rescue someone else through emotionally-led actions. A sexual attraction is stimulation on the basis of sexual desires. It derives from a physical attraction that is often enhanced by sexually led conversations, sexual gestures, and sexual thoughts. It is also being drawn to someone after engaging in sexual activities. A physical attraction is appealing to the outer exterior of one’s fleshly being and material possessions. It derives from what a person observes with physical eyes and often what someone hears and feels. Sexual and physical attractions go hand in hand. A spiritual attraction is being drawn to the godly and God-ward attitude someone displays, as well as the biblical principles one lives by. This attraction is derived from viewing a person’s walk in discipleship and relationship with God.

While many people have experienced one of these attractions, I’m curious to know what draws and holds one’s attention. It seems as though the strongest of all attractions is physical, because people react to what they see, especially if they like what they see; but how many times has a physical attraction turned into a bad experience? Meaning, how many times has a physically attractive person turned you off because of their attitude, demeanor, so on and so on?   And in turn, how many times have you been attracted to someone who is not so physically attractive, but has a heart of gold, and the spirit of an angel? There are many reasons why people are drawn to someone, too many to name, but some primary reasons people are drawn to someone is because they are curious about them, they want to know more about who they are, they may have common interests with them, or they are compelled to assist them emotionally. Whatever the reasons people are attracted to someone, the fact remains that something within someone else taps into the curiosity of another person which leads them to want to get to know them better. Attraction stimulates and peeks the initial curiosity of someone, but which attraction is stronger, and which attraction actually keeps you interested?

Which attractions lead your relationships? Which attraction is the focal point for building your relationships?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Does your husband still look like the same man you married years ago?  Have the washboard abs turned into a gut load of laundry? “For better or for worse” isn’t always fair, in fact it can get a little lazy (and not the good kind of lazy love Ne-Yo croons about). In her single “Dance For You” Beyoncé chants, “I wanna keep it how it is, so you can never say how it used to be,” but some women believe that once that vow is made, commitment and love should overcome any change in physical appearances.  It’s one thing when a serious illness occurs or the natural life-changing moments like pregnancy and childbirth happen, but just because you’ve snagged yourself a husband or wife, doesn’t mean it’s cool to speed past comfortable all the way to “I don’t care.”

Attraction and sexual chemistry take priority to me in a relationship.  I’m not being shallow, just honest.  I need to look at my man and feel butterflies like I did the first day we met. Some might call that immature and make excuses like “passion fades blah, blah, blah” but I think that’s a cop-out for becoming way too comfortable, and way too much comfort kills relationships.

There’s a balance that must be maintained.  It’s one thing for your man to wake up to you in a head full of flexi rods with pre-mascara and moisturizer.  You shouldn’t have to keep up appearances like Whitley on A Different World where she’d wake up 15 minutes before Dwayne so she could apply some makeup and comb her hair so he wouldn’t wake up to bed head and morning breath.  Still, it’s not fair to become accustomed to making zero effort just because your man SHOULD love you regardless.  Did he meet you in a ponytail and sweatpants?  I laugh remembering when I first met my boyfriend and refused to let him see me in any shoe with a heel less than four inches.  Fast forward to six years later and he’s waking up to me with one eyebrow filled in at least a week out of the month.  But the point is, whenever I have a little bit of extra energy and time, I make the effort.  I do it because a watered down version of me is not what he signed up for, and he does the same for me.  I make a note to avoid slipping into routines where we only talk about annoying co-workers and grocery lists; I remind him how hot he is when he least expects it.  Now I haven’t been married for 20+ years, but I truly believe that passion doesn’t have to fade.  Couples allow it to because they’ve been told that’s what’s supposed to happen.  I’ve seen couples who have been married for months who can’t stand the sight of each other, and couples who have been married for decades who can’t keep their hands off one another.

The problem starts when women and men use marriage as an invitation to stop keeping themselves up as soon as the “I Dos” are done.  You should want to preserve your sexiness for you, not just to snag a man.  A little bit of weight gain or the decision to go natural after years of hair weaves is not out of the ordinary, but every once in a while, try to look like that woman that made his eyes pop out of his head and his palms sweat.  Find that girl who was dancing to Beyoncé’s “Beautiful Nightmare” in the mirror Friday night while squeezing into her skinny jeans.  I’d say about 25 percent of that passion is in your appearance, but 75 percent of it is your attitude.  Would you be attracted to someone who clearly carried themselves like they don’t care?

In long-term relationships that little thing called life happens that slowly steals away the energy you may have once put into looking like a video vixen every day.  Slowly your “beauty is pain” endurance is overwhelmed by your want to just be comfortable so you can actually enjoy yourself and get your daily tasks completed instead of struggling through painful arches that 5 inch heels can bring.  But just because heel-less wedges kind of make you cringe doesn’t mean you have to bust out the cross trainers every day.  Riding boots and flats can be cute too without looking lazy.   Maybe you don’t feel like sitting in the salon for six hours so you can get flawless Kerry Washington waves, but that doesn’t mean you have to subject your man to rubbing his fingers over your silky satin bonnet every day.  No one expects you to look 23 at 32, but making that vow also means that you vow to be the best wife you can be, which includes not taking his loyalty for granted–and vice versa.

When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, it’s expected that body parts will start to hang a little lower, weight that used to melt from your frame will make itself comfortable across your waistline, and stretch marks will magically appear if you even reach for something the wrong way.  It’s easy to let yourself go, but like any good relationship, your appearance deserves a little maintenance every now and then.  A lingering look from another man can ignite a spark into a lukewarm relationship, but more importantly you’ll be surprised what a little extra effort can do for your own self-confidence. Before you wave the white flag of familiarity, make some effort to keep up appearances because although looks aren’t everything, love isn’t always enough.

What are some signs that you’ve gotten too comfortable in your relationship?

Toya Sharee is a community health  educator  and   parenting education coordinator who has a passion  for helping  young women  build  their self-esteem and make  well-informed choices  about their sexual  health. She  also  advocates for women’s  reproductive rights and blogs about  everything  from  beauty to love  and relationships. Follow her on Twitter   @TheTrueTSharee or visit  her blog Bullets  and  Blessings .

Source: Shutterstock

From Essence 

Q: I’m always super pressed, and I overanalyze everything when it comes to men. I know I am an attractive female who could get a man, but when it comes to a man showing me attention, I’m almost starving over it. Instead of letting the attraction and chemistry build naturally, I do whatever I can to make him want to go out with me. I overanalyze everything from the jokes men make to trying to figure out why they were a few minutes late, blaming it on them trying to play me or just doing me a favor by going out with me. All of this then puts me in a mood I shouldn’t be in. My sisters call me “thirsty,” because whenever I start liking a guy I really like him. I don’t fall in love, but I do fall in deep, like to the point where everything he does gets me excited. When I’m not dating, I’m looking for dates, and I will sometimes settle for a night out (or a few) with a guy I know is no good for me just to have some sort of dating life. Dr. Sherry, why am I so pressed?

Sincerely,
Ms. So Anxious

See what celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, who you’ve seen on the Braxton Family Values, has to say about this woman’s situation on Essence.com.

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Subtract the recreational drug use and manic, extreme decision-making and I know what it is to find love in a hopeless place. I met someone in the least attractive of ways, all signs said “NO!” Every angel guarding me tried to pull me away, but I allowed “lonely” to lead me to him. I filled my days and nights with him. Great conversation and intense physical attraction. Nothing but us. He adored everything about me, or so he said. How could something so wrong, feel so amazing? I was flying high, with a small storm cloud looming in the distance. But hey, it was in the distance so I willed myself not to worry about it right now.

He feigned interest in my faith and my concern for my health, but tried to feed me propaganda excluding the God I believe in and tried to push me into getting on birth control so he wouldn’t have to use a condom. Condoms “don’t be hittin’ right” as he so eloquently put it. He said he loved me just the way I was, but I noticed a pattern of the smallest, negative jabs he would throw whenever I refused to give in to his opinion on any given topic. “You’re stuck up,” “You probably wouldn’t support your husband,” “I misjudged how fragile your feelings are.” He found ways to belittle me whenever I stood up for myself and in my silly attempt to not seem so ‘fragile’ I just took it.

It was a constant tug-of-war. Was I going to make bad decision after bad decision, disfiguring my self-esteem and worth just to keep him in my life? Or was I going to lay my armor down and walk away? I had never had a man so blatantly play such mind games, disregarding my values and vulnerability in all my years of dating. I had walked away from him before so surely I could do it again and this time for good.

What many of us fail to realize in these sideways relationships is that it very rarely gets better. He told me once that just because he may have felt badly about the way he treated women in the past, it didn’t mean it changed his behavior for the better. That woke me up. A light bulb turned on and kept me awake. If he arrogantly acknowledged that he has been horrible to women in relationships but his behavior hasn’t/won’t changed, then what the HELL was I still doing there? Where did I lose my mind in thinking I needed this guy? I had enough. I told him exactly what I thought of him and where he could go. I took back what I never should have given away in the first place. The war was over. He could keep texting, telling me how wrong I was and how I had given up on us. He could keep trying to engage, but you can’t fight someone who steps out of the ring. He wasn’t worth it.

It’s easy to get caught up if you allow a moment of “lonely” to overwhelm you. You start fighting for something that never even proved its value to you. I used to judge women who kept sticking around the same manipulative, no good men. That is until I looked up and realized that I had become one of them.

We fail ourselves by confusing the fool’s gold shimmer of lust and a good time for something real. We find ourselves battling to keep our footing with a manipulator because they always come in an attractive package. And even though everything within us is screaming “DANGER!” we still step forward like moths to a flame, thinking that maybe this time will be different. What we must understand – man or woman – is that WE must hold ourselves in higher regard than to willingly become guinea pigs, testing to see if a cheater, liar, and manipulator has changed. If we can’t clearly see the change before we get involved, it has not happened and we are foolish to believe otherwise. Love doesn’t break down, it builds up. It restores. It heals.

He only went as far as I allowed him to go in my lapse of good sense. I can recognize, adjust and move forward now. I only fight when it’s worth it and the war is over.

Source: Thinkstock.com

My sister and I are something like twins. Born 20 months apart, everyone who’s spent at least an hour around us can tell that we’re pretty connected. In fact, just last night my friend noted that my sister and I are not just on the same page, we’re in the same paragraph, just a couple of lines apart from each other. You get the picture, we’re tight. So that means I have the ability to correctly interpret the words she doesn’t say.

Which is how I learned that my sister’s former/current boyfriend was going to be her boo thang before they ever made it official.

She was a freshman in college, busy experiencing all that her new lifestyle had to offer. Needless to say she wasn’t calling to check in or catch up like she used to. When I did talk to her, I could tell that something was up. Within the first quarter, there was this guy who stepped up and made his interest known. But my sister wasn’t having it. In one of our debriefing conversations, she told me that though homeboy was attractive and they had a lot in common, she just saw him as a friend. She valued the platonic (on her part) friendship they’d developed and was either unwilling or scared to jeopardize it. So she claimed they were friends. But I knew that was a lie she didn’t even know she was telling.

The more we talked, the more I realized how much closer she and homeboy got to be. His name and opinions were constantly coming up in her stories. Sometimes he’d even be in the vicinity during our conversations. Dude was persistent if nothing else. And with each one of these conversations, I’d ask my baby sister, “Gurl, you sure you don’t like him?” She held strong for a couple of months; but increasingly, she and her “friend” started entertaining the idea of taking their relationship to the next level. And a couple months later, they were a couple, to the surprise of no one.

My sister’s story is not unique. In fact, this trend of not liking men and then loving them is a trend that runs in my family. My mother didn’t like my father when she first met him; and now that I think of it, my grandmother wasn’t too fond my grandfather either.

But it’s even bigger than my family. There’s a whole theory that suggests that if a woman doesn’t initially like a man, she should give him a chance. But when it comes to men, go with your gut. Parts of me really don’t get down with this theory because it panders to the stereotype that we women are innately indecisive and don’t really know what we want. The family trend aside, I can honestly say I’ve never not-liked somebody and then found myself flipping the script. I’m skeptical and cautious around new people, so most of the time, I wouldn’t even give them the time of day to change my mind. I have had the reverse happen though, plenty of times. You know when you initially think a boy/man or manchild is the best thing since peanut butter covered Oreos, only to find out you should have left him and his foolishness alone, a long time ago.

What I can concede to though, is the fact that I’ve never, not ever heard a man say that initially he wasn’t attracted to a woman’s physicality or personality, but learned to love her over time. So there is at least a modicum of truth to this, if only because men refuse to continuously place themselves in the company of women they’re not attracted to.

But you know the drill by now, we’re about promoting discussion. Ladies, have you ever disliked or not liked a man “like that” only to love him later? And fellas, because we know you’re always on the site, have you ever found yourself with a woman who you weren’t attracted to at first?

More on Madame Noire!

• An Open Letter To Men Suffering From Light-Skinned, Long Hair Syndrome: I’m Not Flattered
• Amending The Girl Code: When Your Friend Gets Married, Are Her Ex-Boos Fair Game?
• That Time An Old White Man Entertained Me With Tales Of Colored People On A Flight
• What Do Men Want? Who Cares…
• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making Of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love”
• C’Mon Now: Black Celebrities That White Folks Mistake For One Another (But They DON’T Look Alike…)
• Damn Mr. Right, I Need Mr. Right Now! 7 Signs You’re Too Thirsty For Someone To Put A Ring On It