All Articles Tagged "argument"
Have you ever wondered, “Why in the world is this person a parent?” If not, I can almost guarantee that this video will make you ask that very thing.
PIX 11 in New York recently ran a story about a Connecticut woman getting into an intense argument with someone on a city bus. Sounds harmless, right? Well, it would be if the woman had not been holding her child while going toe to toe.
While there’s been no word on when the footage was taken, you can see a young woman holding her child but arguing with another woman a few feet from her. She keeps screaming that she’s being disrespected in front of her child and “someone grab my baby, mayne” because she was about ready to fight.
What happens next is…insane.
The young woman she’s arguing with says something about “…if you respected your baby…,” when all of a sudden, the woman throws her child into another passenger’s lap and lunges toward the other woman and they start throwing punches.
It is startling to see how quickly it happened but what is even more shocking is how calm the baby seemed about it and only covered her ears to keep out the noise.
As stated, there’s no word on when the video was taken but there’s also no word on if the woman has been identified or if there has been any investigation on charging someone.
So many questions here: Why didn’t the bus driver ask one of them to exit the bus once he noticed it was escalating? Why didn’t the mother just try to ignore what was happening (althogh it should be noted that no one knows why the argument started)? Why didn’t the other woman just leave it alone since she knew this woman had a baby with her? The list goes on and on.
Take a look at this and tell us what you think?
New York sidewalks and city buses are crowded, and if you’re lucky enough, you get to stand hip to hip with a woman on her phone, who is going off on her boyfriend/husband/lover about whatever ways he’s wronged her or whatever ways he’s messed up. No matter what the topic, one thing is painfully apparent–some women LOVE to dish it out. As proud women of color, we’ve learned to defend our own honor and when we can, we avidly state our dissatisfaction when we’re not comfortable with something. It’s a learned trait from our mothers, grandmothers or aunts who won’t let anyone disrespect them or treat them with any less regard than they actually deserve. We even do this within our relationships, vocal about what displeases us because in addition to offensiveness, it’s been instilled in us that honesty is key–particularly in terms of relationships. And in a way, it is. But if we as black women can openly share our opinions and disappointments with our men, how good are we at taking criticism back?
As a general policy, I like to be open and honest in all of my relationships. Because passive aggressiveness isn’t my forte, I try to verbalize concerns immediately, and if I have a problem communicating things vocally, I write people letters. Yeah, you read right. I’m just that anxious to get my point across. But, when the script is flipped, and it’s time for others to weigh in on me and my behaviors, I tend to get defensive or my feelings get hurt. That isn’t to say that I can’t take criticism, but like most women, my need to share my opinion doesn’t necessarily come from a place of anger or disrespect (unless intending to illicit a certain response), but a need to be heard, which is why it can be hurtful to hear a strong negative reaction from my partner. This is particularly true of relationships where the man’s opinions and emotions steer the relationship.
Moreover, offhand commentary can be heard as criticisms. Statements such as, “That dress looks tighter on you than it did before” or “You’re wearing a lot of makeup” can rouse anger because women assume that men, like us, lace our statements with underlining meanings. The two statements above could be heard as “You’re fat” and “You look like a clown” if you think too hard about it. Because men don’t usually communicate as effectively as women, women often search their statements for answers –finding criticism where there isn’t, and also, women tend to work in duality. When we share thoughts, more often than not, our words have multiple agendas, whereas men tend to be more literal. But, the matter of ‘if we can take it’ is still in need of an answer; and for me, that answer is yes. Women (women of color in particular) have a history of absorbing criticism; and historically, we weren’t always able to share our opinions/concerns. Men have gained the role of the insensitive partner and women have more recently earned the role of the nag because of this history. For the sake of relationships, however, women and men have to learn to be more receptive to our partner’s thoughts and opinions without feeling defensive or hurt, because ideally, whatever concerns are being addressed, it’s for the betterment of the relationship.
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The battle of the sexes has been waged on many fronts but there’s still one frontier that is still in debate: Who should pay on the first date? Depending on who picks up the check at the end of the evening, it’s either going to be emasculating or empowering. At the risk of subscribing to sexist ideals, the man should flex into his wallet and write out that check (or pull out that card). Women are strong enough to bear children and do a wealth of other admirable things, but that strength is often intimidating and it’s not such a bad thing to hang back on the first date and save the Girl Power for another battle.
In this new age of dating, some men are asking women to cover them at the end of the evening or she’s already reaching into her purse without prompting. It’s not necessarily that chivalry is dead, but so many are determined to hold up the banner of equal footing since there’s been so much ado about sneakers and heels being on par; whatever he can do, she can too. It has almost become a competition and not only have the battle lines been drawn, but they’ve blurred. Some men expect a woman to come out of pocket in some way even if he initiated the first date. In fairness, some women make it clear that they are not beholden to how it used to be and will call the waiter over first to help sort out who ordered what and how much her share of the bill is.
Alas, there’s something to be said about tradition. Whoever asked for the first date should pay for the meal and that’s usually the man. A woman can offer to leave the tip, but she shouldn’t be flattening the crumpled bills in her purse to prove any point. She is not on a date with the rest of society, but an interested man who needs to show his intentions.
More and more women are independent and fully capable of paying their own way, but that mantra doesn’t mean a loss of femininity. Women still want to be courted and not treated like one of the guys who’s pooling their money at the end of a long night out on the town. A guy just might be so impressed that his date wants to throw her coins on the table at evening’s end that he’ll get too comfortable. He just might think his lady’s got it like that and can pay for everything going forward. He just might think she can pay for the concert he wants to go to next month. A guy just might get so comfortable with his woman’s finances that he lets her pay for everything. It’s a slippery slope that doesn’t even need to get that far.
Just because a woman can pay doesn’t mean she should. A woman can open her own door, but a gallant suitor will show her that he’s got her. It’s the little things that help deepen a connection. As much as the gender gap has closed, there are just some conventions which shouldn’t be done away with. Men can still be gentlemen and women can still let themselves be ladies. It has not gone out of style.
Stephanie Guerilus is a journalist and author. Follow her on Twitter at @qsteph.
I’ve met a lot of people who have touched my life in my line of work as a blogger. When you’re online as much as I am, you can get attached to people whom you’ve never met. You get close. You share things. You begin to feel for them. However, the new media we use doesn’t protect us against an old fashioned backstabbing.
So nothing hurts more than when a person whom you’ve trusted–and even helped and done favors for, turns out to be a complete Judas. So here I am, broken and a little bit bloody, trying my best to figure out how to move forward. I’ve always had a motto: Everyone is a friend until proven otherwise. The problem with that is sometimes “friends” ingratiate themselves for a period of time until an attachment is formed, and it hurts more when you discover they weren’t friends, they were…well, “otherwise.”
But I’m no special snowflake. Friendship betrayal happens every minute of everyday. The key to winning is to know how to deal with the Judas once you see that snake in your freshly-mown grass.
Got something great going on in your life? Then get ready. Most turncoats react when the Green-Eyed Monster comes. “There are people in everyone’s life who get jealous of a friend’s success or happiness and retaliate,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, (aka “Dr. Romance”) psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. “Sometimes friends who feel unsuccessful will drift away or cut you off when you have the success they’re longing for. Most jealousy arises when someone feels insecure or threatened — that someone will get the attention she wants. The most important thing you can do is to remember that when you handle jealousy properly, it does not have to be a disaster.”
Dr. Tessina gave me some specific advice, but I’ll have to admit that some of it will be a hard pill to swallow for some:
- Sensitively and diplomatically handle jealous friends
People who react this way are usually in a lot of emotional pain about their own lives. Be as understanding as you can, be willing to listen to your friend’s feelings to a reasonable degree, but don’t let their struggle ruin your good feelings about yourself. If you can, offer the friend time alone with you, to help her feel special and important. Often, publicly thanking her for nice things she’s done can help keep her pacified.
- Understand underlying causes of bad behavior:
People who have always felt competitive toward you are likely to misbehave so they can get attention in that way. If someone’s behavior becomes a problem, set some limits. Tell the friend directly what actions are unacceptable (like making nasty remarks when you’re around other friends), and let her know you can’t be her friend if her behavior doesn’t improve.
- Figure out what you both think a good friend actually is
Don’t be afraid to talk to friends about what friendship means to you–is it okay to cancel a date with a girlfriend (or her with you) because you get a better offer from a man? Because of family illness or problems? What does “being there” mean to each of you? How much loyalty do you expect in the friendship, and what does that mean?
- Honesty minimizes jealousy.
Lying to your friend about whether you have broken an agreement does more damage than breaking the agreement. If you do something with another friend, tell the truth–don’t protect the jealous friend. It gives her a false impression.
If your so-called “friend” isn’t returning your calls, says no to any invitations, and doesn’t make any moves in your direction, you’ve probably been dumped. The best way to find out is to stop making any contact, and see if the friend contacts you. Don’t turn into a stalker. Your friend might be newly in love, have an illness, or just have some really deep issues going on that you sadly won’t know about unless you hear through gossip. If she’s angry at you, she should have told you, but some folks just prefer to act childish and disappear.
- How to break-up
If you have a real, identifiable reason to break up your friendship, get your thoughts about it in order, and tell your soon to be ex-friend what the problem is. If it’s some kind of bad behavior that could possibly be fixed, let her know what she could do: “___, I am very uncomfortable with your drinking and the behavior you exhibit when you’re drunk. I just don’t want to be around it. If you ever decide to quit drinking, let me know.” If you’ve just grown apart, or your life has become too busy (new baby; traveling for work; caring for invalid) for this friendship, don’t be afraid to tell your friend about your time constraints: “___, I’m sorry, but my life has changed, and I just can’t manage our usual get-togethers.” If she’s insulted you, tell her your feelings are hurt, and you don’t want to take the risk of being hurt again. Let her know what kind of contact, if any, you’d be willing to have. If none, then block her off your phone, Facebook, etc.
- How to deal post-friendship
If and when you meet accidentally, just be polite and cool. You don’t want to cause any scenes in public. If you have friends in common, it’s more difficult. You can ask your friends to let you know if the ex-friend will be at a gathering, but don’t ask them not to invite her. Instead, make your own decision on whether you want to be there or not. If you do go, once again, be polite and cool. But just remember to keep your distance.
Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race, Culture and Creed” (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.
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This post only applies to single mothers who were never married and find themselves on an emotional rollercoaster with the father of their child or children. It is intended to be the swift kick in the behind your family and friends have been trying to give you for the better for months—maybe even years.
Most women do not plan or desire to hold the baby-mama title. But, with a 73 percent out-of-wedlock birthrate, nearly three-fourths of black mothers fit the mold. That makes the handling of “baby-daddies” a real issue in our community. Sex is generally an emotional act for women and those emotions are often magnified during pregnancy and continue into motherhood. And what is a hormonally complicated time becomes more emotionally complex when the situation gets real—he’s with other women, he’s too busy to visit more than a few times a month, he’s maybe even hoping you might go for an abortion–the list goes on.
Angry, confused, desperate—some single mothers entertain foolishness that only ends up eating away at their self-worth and esteem in the end.
So to save yourself (or a friend) from further heartache and/or catching a case, here are eight of the biggest mistakes to avoid:
You hear so much about what’s acceptable to deal with in a relationship with a man, but sometimes a sista needs that same wake up call when it comes to her relationship with her friends. As in most relationships, people get comfortable and start treating people any old way, and when they do, you have to do something about it. But what’s tolerable and what things are you overreacting about? The situations discussed in this post could warrant the dismissal of a friendship, but they can also foster a good conversation that could help it improve and grow. If all your girlfriends are your ace boons for life in your mind and they do no wrong, then kudos! But if Tenisha that you’ve known from down the block since 5th grade is acting up too much (and it happens all the time to longtime friends), then this one’s for you.
Terms of endearment. Baby talk. Nicknames. These are all such sweet things to have in a relationship. But a relationship cannot survive on sweetness alone. Have you ever overheard a couple arguing—really being completely blunt with one another—and thought, “they must not have a good relationship.” Not necessarily so. If you’re both comfortable with and aware of your little quirks and flaws, then there are times when it is beneficial to the relationship to point them out to one another! Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t want to ask for what they want. They think that there shouldn’t be head bumping in a relationship—that there should never be terse words or name calling. That a relationship with those dynamics is flawed. And so, to avoid further tension, when their man is acting in a way they don’t like, they silently swallow their thoughts, sulk away and just feel sad that they aren’t on the same wavelength as their man at all times.
They don’t want to be the couple arguing the elevator. But you know what? That couple is healthier than the one that walks on eggshells for one another. And the truth is, most men like to be called out on their BS. They usually know they are about to be anyways… Here are some common instances in which women and men bump heads, and that’s 100% alright.
Do you find yourself in countless arguments with your mate? If so, maybe you should leave that dude alone (I’m kidding). What type of man do you have? The type who you argue with and nothing seems to get through to him? You know the type, he just continuously makes the same mistakes. Or, do you have Mr. Defense Attorney, who you couldn’t win an argument with if your life depended on it? I put together a few quick tips to help you win a battle of wits with your man; if they don’t work, then chances are you really do need to drop that fool.