All Articles Tagged "apologizing"
I wrote an article last year about how I felt like apologizing was going out of style. I have a passion for people just owning up to their flaws, becoming momentarily transparent and saying, “You know what, what I did was wrong, and I’m sorry.” So, it’s definitely a trait that I’m teaching my daughter.
I try to let her know that there’s nothing wrong with being misguided, and admitting to it. The problem is… that’s all she’s doing.
After she throws a tantrum at the store: “I’m sorry.”
After I move her cup away from the edge of the table and to make her point that she wants it back where it was she quickly scoots it back and unintentionally knocks it off the table: “I’m sorry.”
When she gets mystified by seeing someone walking with a cane and tries to snatch it from them, and I stop her: “I’m sorry.”
On top of that, she has the BEST sad puppy dog face and voice whenever she says it. So even after the person with the cane catches their balance, they begin to feel sorry for her (one actually tried to offer her a dollar to cheer her up!). But they’re not the only ones. I’ve fallen victim to that trap, and would find myself feeling guilty for verbally reprimanding her.
That’s when I realized that maybe I’ve been focusing on the first part of the equation and not the solution. Apologies are great, but they’re only as good as the imaginary paper they’re printed on when you say them. Being apologetic is only one part of the exercise, and as a mother I realized that I was beginning to fall short on the most important thing. As much as an apology means to me, the vital thing is that there needs to be a change in behavior after it.
So after my daughter looks up at me with her puppy dog eyes and says: “I’m sorry,” I now teach her why her behavior initially needed an apology. We also go through what she needs to do to change such actions.
That’s the important thing that I think many people overlook sometimes. Apologizing is always great, but that’s just where the work begins. It’s admirable to admit that you were wrong, but it doesn’t mean anything if you keep on displaying the same behavior that you’ve been reprimanded for.
Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing and expecting different results, and that’s how some people look when they keep on apologizing and not changing their behaviors.
Instead of just giving an apology to appease the person that you hurt, show them that you’re dedicated to making things better by behaving better. Prove to them that their words didn’t fall on deaf ears and that you truly learned from your mistakes.
After the apology, you should move through the world wiser, stronger, and dedicated to being a better you. That can only happen if there’s a change in behavior after you swallow your pride and actually utter those amazingly beautiful words. But don’t sully them by still behaving as if the apology didn’t mean anything.
My daughter has stopped yanking canes and is slower to move her cup back after I push it away from the edge. But any time she does step out of line and utters her sad-sob apology, I encourage her to prepare to learn from the situation. There’s a life after “I’m sorry,” and you have to do the work to properly transition through it.
There is something inherently humbling about apologizing. It’s the action of admitting that “I am wrong, and you were right.” Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to do for some people.
However, after watching this year’s batch of reality television so far, I saw a few instances where people should have apologized, but they didn’t.
So let’s break down these times, and share any that you felt I missed.
The news is full of high-profile figures who are shouting their disappointments regarding past behavior. Maybe they said something that was so over-the-top it sparked an “oh hell naw” moment, or did something that deserved a beating from their mama. And if you think this is just limited to people, you best to think again as companies are now taking to the apology soapbox with their “forgive me” pleas.
Have you ever done something wrong that you needed to ask for forgiveness so it wouldn’t tarnish your brand? Here are some tips on giving a professional apology from the life lessons of celebs and companies.
We only have a few answers this week because we were all prepping for “Scandal.” But this week we asked our Facebook and Twitter followers when was the last time they hurt someone, whether it was intentional or not and if they apologized. See what they had to say.
Valencia: Monday! I apologized and then kicked him out my life because he’s too manipulative!! Stupid a#s Libra!
Shantel: Today actually. I hurt my son’s feelings It was not intentional. He vomited on my carpet and I was frustrated over that, and he thought I was mad at him. He even wrote me an apology letter, which I found after he went to bed. I will definitely be apologizing to him in the morning.
Kiana: Last week. My husband and I got into a really bad argument. I felt horrible about it and apologized for the things I said. I still feel horrible about it.
Mimi: The janitor on my job was cleaning my work station& I thought she was rearranging it. I snapped at her & didn’t realize until I got closer to my station that she was using a swiffer duster to clean my desk. (I should have known better. She cleans EVERY nook & cranny). I did apologize after-the-fact & it made me feel better when she said, “I’m not worried about you because you have a beautiful & fair personality.”
Senita: First,I always apologize when Im wrong- that’s a strength of mine…I cant recall hurting anyone’s feelings in quite some time though-tbh. Im not into that.
Michelle: A couple months ago. A girl in my classes was talking about a guy that she had broken up with. he had cancer for over a year or two and she took care of him during his treatments… that didn’t stop him from leaving and kicking her out of the home that they shared for a couple years as soon as he got a little better then completely ignoring her for weeks. she was trying to use his sickness as an excuse to why he was acting like an A$$.. I let her know that just because someone gets sick that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically a good person. his actions where showing that he didn’t care about her and i told her wasn’t into her ( at least not anymore) and that she should move on because he was an asshole. it made her cry and she left the class for that day… I told her i felt bad for making her cry the next time i saw her… I wasn’t sorry about what I said though.
Conflict. Strife. Tension. In love, most individuals want to avoid all the negative feelings associated with disagreements and all out arguments.
When tension arises, are you the person who’s quick to apologize, wanting to sweep everything under the rug so the tension goes away? Or, are you the one who tends to hold that hurt for a while, allowing the offensive words to gain a life of their own?
Most of us identify with one approach or the other when arguments happen in love. However, neither response leads to a true reconciliation that enhances the relationship, leading to a better understanding of each other.
The good news is there a method to apologizing that will not only allow your words to be heard, but also lead to emotional healing. The key is to learn how to ask for forgiveness that conveys the apology in the right way so your words are heard by your significant other.
Asking for forgiveness is a lifestyle choice because a sincere apology carries with it the motivation to turn from the former way which caused the conflict and go in another direction. The trust in your relationship grows when you demonstrate change in your actions and behaviors.
As a relationship coach, I have advised individuals to remember that an overreaction to a comment or situation signals something beneath the surface. What happened in the current moment was the trigger to the reaction. You just put your finger on a hot emotional button.
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Our goal is for Madame Noire to be a “no judgment” zone, so this is not going to be some type of lecture. But rather, a way for us to learn from our own bad behavior– or the bad behavior of others and do better. That being said, many of us have had moments in our romantic relationships that we’re less than proud of. Maybe you went extreme like Jazmine Sullivan and bust the windows out his car, maybe you started hooping and hollering in public causing an unnecessary scene, or maybe you tried to challenge his masculinity by talking down to him or even coming at his temple with two extended fingers. Whatever you did, you’re sorry and frankly embarrassed. Hopefully, your little indiscretion hasn’t resulted in your arrest, and you want to make it better and move on. Here are a few ways to get you started.
I hate when I have a taste for something, only to discover that someone else had the same idea and left none to spare. This particular Saturday it was a box of Frosted Mini Wheats that my boyfriend decided would make great dinner all week long. My teased tongue was soon lashing all kinds of insults, many which had nothing to do with breakfast cereal and soon he was digging up every flaw he could find about me to throw in his defense. I lie to you not; we were cursing each other out over cereal. It may start with a slick comment, sharp sarcasm or blatant disrespect and before you know it you’re in the midst of a knockdown drag out verbal beat down that leaves both you and your partner furious and full of pride and in opposite corners of the ring licking your wounds and coddling your bruised egos. Sooner or later that pride can make your relationship feel like a prison while you both play the waiting game to see who will make amends first, because of course that means that person was wrong, the one who is weaker or both.
Sorry isn’t for “suckas” and of course an apology doesn’t make you a loser in the game of love, nor does it mean you are entirely at fault, but it is a first step towards making things right. In fact, I’m willing to bet that the best relationships involve a whole lot of practice apologizing. Unfortunately when the art of apology is abused, it can become like band-aid on a broken bone: a mockery of a huge problem. The following tips may make that pride a little sweeter to swallow and help you rectify the situation the right way: