All Articles Tagged "anger"
Life can be stressful. And sometimes it puts us in a place where anger is hard to shake. At first, it’s easy to point the finger at who or what sent you into “I just can’t today” territory. But when the stress won’t let up, soon everything sends you from 0 to 100.
Thankfully, when life hands you salty lemons there are things that you can do about it. Stick to these techniques and you will not only find a way to relax, but even help take the power away from what’s disturbing your peace.
Slow breaths in and out can calm any situation down long enough for you to take a step back before you say or do something you will regret. Just breathe with this gif for a minute or so and you will feel those tense feelings slip away.
Your kids just did or said something that has your feeling like you are about to flip out. Don’t do it, though. Relax, take a deep breath and wait. Although parenting is hard and most people get that, there is no excuse for managing a behavior problem in a way that will do your child more harm than good.
Most moms, myself included, have a lot going on. And it always seems like your kids push you to the limit on the days that have you stressed out beyond belief. It’s ridiculous how it often works out, but that’s just one of the parts of parenthood we have to deal with.
So what do you do when your kids have you so upset you just want to spaz out? How do you keep cool?
Do you grab a glass of wine to help you calm down? Do you grab a cup of coffee to take the edge off and give yourself the energy to deal with them? Do you start screaming and basically make them pay for all the crap that’s been stressing you out all week?
I hope you don’t do any of those things. Sure, we all have our moments and it’s part of life, but those moments should not become our norm. Here are a few healthier ways to help you keep your cool when your kids are about to send you over the edge. I hope they help.
Call a mommy friend. When you know your child has brought you to your breaking point and you can feel the anger rising, take the time to call another mom who gets you. Chances are they have been in the same space before, and they can help you calm down. As mothers we have to be able to pause before we act, because reacting purely out of anger can lead to regret. No one understands that more than another mom.
Go workout. A good workout can help you clear your mind, calm down, and gain perspective. If you are able to walk away from the situation and leave your child with their dad or another trusted adult, do just that. Take a walk or run, or maybe even hit the gym. Doing something for yourself that will get your blood pumping (in a good way) and get you away from you initial emotions is a very good thing.
Work on something you enjoy. It really doesn’t matter what it is, just find something that makes you happy and walk away from the kids. If you love to cook, go cook a meal. Baker? Then bake a cake. You enjoy writing? Pull out the laptop. Just try to redirect your focus until you are calm, have seen things from all perspectives, and are ready to disciple your child with a clear mind—not from a place of anger.
Meditate. Meditation is a great way to just relax and access a peaceful place. We love our children so much that when they do something wrong, we aren’t always prepared to address it properly. There are tons of meditation apps, like Calm, that can help you relax in just minutes. Take a bathroom break and use a meditation app to get your mind right.
Give yourself some space. You know how we give kids a time-out to help them relax and gain perspective about what they just did wrong? Well sometimes adults also need a time-out before they can address a situation in the best possible way. Tell your kids that mommy needs a minute and just allow yourself to be still for a while. Think about all your options, think about the real results that will come from each option, and make a decision.
Moms, what other healthy tips do you have for keeping your cool when your kids are driving you nuts?
Martine Foreman is a life coach, freelance writer, lifestyle blogger, and speaker. To learn more about her work and get great tips on how to create a life you love, check her out at CandidBelle.
Your husband turns his back on you and goes to sleep. In less than five minutes the room is engulfed by the steady sounds of his snoring while your mind is still fixated on the argument you just had. How can he sleep with so much hanging in the balance? He knows you’re not supposed to go to bed angry. It’s one of the first things you hear when you get married. But here you are playing with fire, having another brush with relationship death, even after ten years of marriage. Really? Why can’t you resolve your issues by bedtime like your best friend? Every time this happens you can’t help wondering if it’s a sign that your relationship is ultimately doomed. Perhaps it’s time you answer the question once and for all:
Will going to bed angry ruin your relationship?
You think back to the first time it happened early on in your marriage. What you were arguing about you don’t recall, but you do remember cozying up to him in bed, his back turned to you, whispering softly in his ear, ‘You know you’re not supposed to go to bed angry.’ In an instant he turned around, eyes red as fire, and said, “I will not make up with you so that you can have a good night’s sleep!”
It was in direct contrast to your best friend, an adamant believer in never going to bed angry, who made it look easy. Perhaps it was through talking to her that you decided it would be something great to adopt. And though it never quite worked out on your end, you wonder if it still holds true for them some 10 years later.
“Noooooo. We don’t go to bed angry.”
“How is that even possible?” you ask incredulously.
“We don’t dwell. We say we’re sorry and move on. It’s very comforting.”
“But is it realistic? Do you sometimes say you’re sorry even if you don’t mean it so that you can just go to bed?”
“No. We get into resolve mode. It comes from the fact that we’d rather be happy, and we hate when we’re angry at each other.”
She says it’s something they both decided they wanted early on in the marriage. Now they’ve been doing it so long they’d never go back.
Comforting indeed. In those moments when an argument between you and your hubby can last up to two days, adopting this attitude would be like red velvet cake from Cake Man Raven.
Imagine, knowing that everything would be patched up by bedtime.
Determined to get a second and third opinion, you ask two women who work at your daughter’s pre-school. Do they go to bed angry?
Egyptian Woman: Most of the time we try to resolve things before we go to sleep because they say it’s not good for your health.
Haitian Woman: If you feel like it’s something you can solve then do. But sometimes you just have to go to bed.
Egyptian Woman: It’s like a circle. You’re arguing and not talking, but you have kids so you have to talk. So just let it go. There’s nothing worse than not talking.
Haitian Woman: Sometimes something happens right before bed and even if he wants to solve it, you’re not ready. Not everything can be figured out that fast.
Somehow knowing the Haitian woman goes to bed angry helps. But really, it’s time you talk to your husband. Is he at all concerned that consistently going to bed angry might land you guys in real hot water?
“I don’t like going to bed angry,” he says. “But if I’m angry, I’m angry and I don’t want to not be angry because of some saying.”
“But don’t you believe in it?”
“No. It’s one of those things you pull out when it works for you.”
Hmmm…you think about the times when you’ve been so mad at him that if he even thought about pulling out the don’t-go-to-bed-angry-card you might actually chop off his hands.
He also feels people take advantage of it. “Hey, I screwed your best friend.” Said at 11:59pm. He’s got a point.
Honestly, there will always be something that you like about the idea of never going to bed angry, but doing so won’t ruin your relationship. At the end of the day, you have to make your own rules because sayings are everywhere. ‘The family that prays together stays together’ or ‘Love is never having to say ‘I’m sorry.”’ I’m sorry, but there’s nothing like a good apology. So after ten years of marriage, you’re ready to let this one go. The next time you go to bed angry, you’re going to try your best to have a good night’s sleep.
Erickka Sy Savané is a freelance writer. Before that she was a model/actress/MTV VJ. Follow her on ErickkaSySavane.com
Fussing and fighting takes a lot of the positive energy out of a relationship. It also manages to leave you incredibly exhausted. When you focus on being mad, it’s harder to get to the real reasons behind your anger issues. When something is done that you don’t like, here comes the same old argument. Again. And if you have a real temper, those disagreements can turn the volume way up on your relationship and put it in a bad place.
So how can you dial down the drama? Controlling your temper and allowing it to take a back seat to your positive feelings for your partner can keep frustration from tearing you apart. Practice these calming techniques and you can keep your buttons from being pushed so easily.
From a simple “woosah” to a stress-relieving exercise program, these tools can keep us all from saying something we don’t mean when the moment gets heated.
Someone, maybe a noted psychologist or a perceptive writer, said that depression is anger turned inward. I can definitely feel that when I’m having trouble regulating emotions, that is, keeping my feelings at a level that doesn’t cause me extreme discomfort. Sometimes it’s my own feelings that I have difficulty handling. But at other times, I have to manage the onslaught of others’ feelings and how they affect my moods.
Last week, I had to go to a government office to take care of some business. Picture a big room, many of people from all stations of life plus lots and lots of waiting. Patience is not my strong suit so I hate waiting in any situation. But hours of waiting, even if I have something to occupy me, makes me want to pull out all of my hair. After two hours at said government office, I wanted to scream. Throw my coat on the floor. Flail around on the floor like a child having a tantrum. Of course I did none of those things, choosing instead to squelch my feelings and appear nonplussed on the outside. That’s regulating emotions to me: pretending that I don’t have them, which isn’t a good idea.
Meanwhile, I watched some of my fellow waiters experience a myriad of feelings. Some huffed and puffed and sighed. Others paced the floor and grumbled to themselves. Still others spoke their frustration aloud, cursing and spitting bilious insults at our government captors, or at nobody in particular. Just witnessing someone else’s dissatisfaction made me even more annoyed yet unable — or unwilling — to express it. Which got me feeling down.
Dealing with the anger in myself and in those around me made me draw further inside myself. Instead of channeling my feelings in another direction, like asking an employee how much longer I’d have to wait, I turned my anger inward. I thought, “I’m going to be here all day and it will have been a waste of time” and “It’s my fault that I’m waiting so long, I should have done something different.” Soon my negative thoughts turned from my immediate situation to my life in general and I thought, “I’ll never be able to express my anger and I’ll always just feel bad about it.” My discomfort with regulating emotions took me from bored and annoyed to looking down on myself in a short period of time.
I know that my bipolar depression makes it easy for my thoughts to veer off in a negative direction at any time. But controlling thoughts and regulating emotions at the same time is a difficult task, particularly when bombarded with outside stimuli. I long to be the kind of person I saw bounding around the government room, talking out their anger and annoyance to anyone who would listen and some who didn’t. Unfortunately, those kinds of outbursts bring me towards bipolar mania, an unchecked emotional state where my actions are likely to be thoughtless and irrational.
What I need to be able to do is be emotional enough to handle my internal outbursts and rational enough to handle the outbursts of others. The fact that I haven’t quite gotten there makes me know that I probably need a bit more therapy in my life before I can act like a “normal” person. Nevertheless, I’m thankful that at least now I can recognize that I have an issue.
The anger is palpable. It resonates through your chest. You can’t eat, you don’t sleep; who knew a broken heart could feel so…real. Going through a breakup is hard enough as it is, but imagine the stress and the pain when you’re experiencing it with a child in tow. Having to keep yourself together while you and your ex try to figure out how the dynamics of your “relationship” will now play out. I’ve been there, I’ve struggled trying to understand how my life would work without my child’s father being in our life. There were days when I felt like I would never make to the other side. But then one day a pair of small brown eyes looked up at me and asked, “Mommy, why are you always so angry?” and that’s when I knew things had to change.
Letting go of anger.
If child support payments aren’t made, if visits are few and far between, if the man is nothing but a mere breath of a memory – doesn’t your baby still have to eat? Don’t they still need clothes on their back and shoes on their feet? Even if you mumble under breath about how negligent the other parent is, you are still there doing what must be done. So why not relieve yourself of the trouble? Why not recognize that even in their absence you are still top dog?
You are mother. You are here and you get the pleasure of watching your child become all they can and want to be. Don’t hinder the relationship that needs all of you by giving life to the anger over something that is gone. Instead of transferring the burden onto your child and continuing to relive the loss over and over again, let go. A wound can never fully heal if it is picked. Each time a scab tries to form atop of the scar, it’s closer to disappearing but if you pick it–if you bad mouth that person, if you pick up the phone to scream at them about all the things they do wrong, if you mention their shortcomings every chance you get–the wound remains fresh. I encourage you to stop breathing life into that fire.
Don’t spend your moments highlighting the failures of another when instead you could be relishing in the praise coming your way from being a good mom. Do not let your anger destroy the woman you are. Be happy, be free, be whole, it is the best thing your child could ever see. Deciding not be angry does not mean you are letting anyone off the hook, it means you are freeing yourself from the weight of a situation that did not pan out or from the choice of someone else to not be there. Sometimes mothers are so busy looking out for someone else they forget to take care of themselves. As a mom, show your baby that life happens, but even through the trouble by letting go of anger you can still find joy, peace, and something good in all you do.
You can find more of Leslie’s work at www.fromtheFLYYsidewithlove.tumblr.com and catch her each Friday on YouTube for her show Let Leslie Tell It on the Issa Rae channel.
Lesson 1: “When the Angry Black Woman Is You! Post Traumatic Love Disorder?”
“Ever since I learned there was something called a colored girl, an evil woman, a bitch or a nag, I’ve been trying not to be that. Leave bitterness in somebody else’s cup.” ~Ntozake Shange
“You sure didn’t get that angry black woman gene!” he said, grinning.
“Angry black woman gene?” I repeated. He was bold for a first date. I moved my silver stilettos under the table.
“Yeah,” he explained. “All the black woman I meet seem pissed.”
Of course, every sister reading this is asking, how dare he?! Unfortunately, this man was not alone. I have heard this (often) from love coaching clients.
Homeboy didn’t see me a few years earlier.
When my marriage ended I was woeful — and mad as hell. My heart was shattered. I was in real emotional pain and saw no way out. It felt like it was me against the world. I didn’t go as far as declaring that I didn’t need a man, but I proceeded as if ‘I could do bad by myself’ and ended up hurting others.
So, hell yeah, I was angry. I am also black, a woman and human.
Hollywood tries to stereotype us as an angry black monolith. Our dignified first lady can barely look down at her nails without folks calling it an eye roll.
So what happens when we are angry, black and bitter. Often nothing. We heap hurt on top of pain on top of heartbreak. We lead with our righteous scabs, unable to let love out — or in. We either attract men who are vibrating at the same low level of energy or we can’t accept those coming to us with something different.
When anger is your shield it becomes a wall. This looks different depending on who’s experiencing it. Some women are pissed at the world. Others turn the anger inward as depression. We live it as chronic stress and anxiety or try to stuff it down with food, drugs, sex, alcohol and even religion.
After I noticed this very real trauma in enough of my relationship coaching clients I gave it a name: “PTLD, Post Traumatic Love Disorder.” Soldiers as well as assault and rape victims experience PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a normal reaction after surviving the traumatic ravages of life-changing war.
PTLD occurs after a devastating love event, an incident that may trigger childhood issues. We feel betrayed, broken or abandoned. Then we take this energy forward, living and dating like love zombies and the walking wounded.
So how do you heal for the sake of your spirit and future relationships?
Here’s how to move forward:
1. Learn how to feel your feelings.
We are terrified to really feel our feelings. We fear that if we lean into the anger, sadness, loneliness, that we’ll never make it out. I am asking you to have faith in Something Greater Than You that you will. If you’ve been through a devastating breakup you need to first grieve the loss. The pain is similar to drug withdrawal because the chemicals our bodies create in love are opiates. Cry, scream, yell, feel it out.
2. Practice extreme self care.
You have experienced a trauma. You need to get grounded, connected and back into your body. It takes time before a bombed out shell can be a bombshell again. Re-parent yourself. Your parents did the best they could but now it’s your turn. Practice self compassion with healthy eating, yoga, meditation or a new dance class.
3. Give yourself closure with forgiveness.
Healing takes time. You may not ever understand why a situation took place. It’s not your job to interpret someone else’s behavior. Your objective is getting back to being the best you. For your mental health you will (eventually) need to forgive anyone else involved. However, you need to first take responsibility for your choices in the situation and forgive yourself.
4. Choose connection over isolation.
Post Traumatic Love Disorder can feel like you’re in the middle of a tornado. If you focus only on your problems you will keep going around in the tornado. You have to see the outside to free yourself.
Sadness causes many of us to retreat. We stay alone with our sorrows then lash out. This is the wrong approach. Of course you don’t want to weigh down those around you but your loved ones want to have your back.
5. Get help, chica.
If someone pokes you and venom comes out, it’s not because they poked you. It’s because that’s what was inside of you. Find a therapist, coach or support group to help you.
Heal this hurt so that you can have a healthy, loving, romantic relationship moving forward with a partner who deserve the true queen that is you!
This Week’s Homework:
Complete these questions in a notebook. You may want to form a Love School Playgroup with your friends to do these assignments.
Take 5 deep, cleansing breaths to get centered and begin.
1. What love traumas am I carrying around? Who am I still a “victim” of?
2. Who would I be if this never happened?
3. Because it is too painful I avoid feeling…
4. If I released this victimhood I might…
5. The kind of love I deserve is…
Healing Affirmation: “I am worth loving.”
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University www.AbiolaTV.com. Email questions to kissandtell@abiolaTV.com or tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
Naomi Campbell is usually only in the media for two things: (1) She’s gotten really upset and reacted in the same vain or (2) she’s giving us catwalk fever.
The supermodel appeared on Britain’s The Jonathan Ross Show in a long flowing gown and in a seemingly great mood, she asked, “So should I sit or should I lay?”
As she discussed her role as mentor on The Face and how personal she takes it when one of her mentees is eliminated, Ross led her directly into a conversation about her anger issues. Campbell said:
“I think I made the name anger management famous. Anger is an emotion. There’s things I had to deal with it like us all. How we deal with it…”
As we know, Naomi is just as famous for throwing phones and punches at assistants and anyone else who makes her extremely angry.
She also discussed her drug addiction and how she’s been able to overcome it:
“I’ve enjoyed my life. I’m happy where I am today. I live in the day. I stay in my day and I’m happy. I don’t want to go back. I think everyone comes to their conclusion no matter what it is that you’re addicted to. You can be addicted to work. All it is in an escapism. For me, I came to my realization at 29 that I didn’t like the way I was. And that was it. “
Campbell says everyday is a work in progress and she fights her urge to smoke daily (she wears a patch).
Later in the interview, Campbell, who was hilarious during the interview, went on to talk about “finding the one” and settling down:
“I kind of did settle down, just not the right person. This is my life and I’m happy. I’m not settling for nothing that’s not worth me.”
Naomi Campbell added that she doesn’t approach men – ever – and when it comes to sex, it takes a”looooong” time before that happens.
I actually loved the interview. Naomi Campbell seems to be in such a great place right now and it looks like her anger management classes have done a world of good.
Check out Naomi Campbell’s interview on The Jonathan Ross Show on the next page!
Last night, I watched part two of Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant’s “Daddyless Daughters” special on OWN. I could say I watched the special for “professional reasons,” in hopes of finding a nugget or two that could spark some sort of discussion on MN, but a big part of me wanted to see if there was work I still needed to do.
Last year, I wrote about my decision to cut my father out of my life indefinitely. At the time I was tired of the inconsistent relationship, broken promises, and most of all being blamed for our lack of a connection, and so I finally decided to establish a relationship with my father on my terms, which I decided was to have none at all. Being a daddyless daughter has never been something difficult for me to admit. As so many people mentioned in our chat yesterday, not having a father is nothing for me to personally feel ashamed about because it’s not my fault, nor was it a decision I made prior to last year. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still get angry that “daddy gone,” as Iyanla would say.
If I’m being honest, I fall in that emotional liar category Iyanla referenced. I will do just about anything not to feel or display emotions I consider weak, like sadness. But every once and a while, I have no choice but to be alone with myself and those feelings. Like when I’m watching a movie and a woman affectionately calls her father “daddy” — a term I’ve never uttered a day in my life — and he sizes up another man he doesn’t think is good enough for his baby girl and struggles to come to terms with the fact that he won’t be the only man in her life anymore. Suddenly, I catch myself feeling envious that I don’t know what it’s like to experience a man feeling sad because he won’t have to care for you anymore because all I’ve known is a man (and many others after) who ran in the opposite direction of that responsibility.
Or when I look back over my “dating” history, if I can call it that, and realize my experiences read like a classic case of daddyless daughter syndrome. And I get mad because I didn’t have anyone to be my standard of measure; and even more upset with myself because that’s no excuse. I knew more than better, I just still didn’t always do better because sometimes when you’re in the moment of loneliness, lowering your standards so you don’t have to be alone doesn’t sound all that bad.
It’s sort of funny to me how these issues didn’t catch up with me until I was well into my 20s. In adolescence and as a teen, not having a father around meant little to me, but now I struggle with the residuals of that reality — like the aforementioned envy that tugs at me and the question of “how do I know what I deserve if I’ve never had it?,” as one audience member asked. Of course I know the generalities, a man should never put his hands on you, he should provide, he should be faithful, yadda yadda yadda. But what do I, specifically, deserve? Are those intimate intricacies of father-daughter relationships I’ve only seen and heard of, mostly in movies, that are said to be the backbone of any healthy romantic relationship myth or a real-life possibility? And if the latter is true, how do I know I can expect it? I’ve never had it before.
Just typing these questions right now is making me mad because I don’t want to be one of the women who has to ask. While I’m OK with not having a father, I’m not OK with not having a a positive previous relationship to speak of and having to question how much of that is my fault and if any of it really is my dad’s. But I guess a better question would be whether I want to channel that anger into hope and believe that the benefit of eliminating it will be far greater than harboring it as I have been. I’ll let you know when I decide.
The Drama You Want, is the Drama You Won’t Get! How To Handle The Negative Reaction Negative People Want To Get Out Of You
Do men really desire a drama free relationship, even if the relationship is casual? Or, do men like drama from women on a certain level? A few years ago, I was blessed with one of the smallest and greatest gifts known to mankind by giving birth to my son. Not only was I blessed with this gift, but I was given a long-awaited title of mom. While I was blessed with the gift of my son and the privileged title of mom, I also had the burden of encountering confusion, unnecessary drama and a lack of respect from the father of my child. From the day my son was born, his father constantly did and said things that infuriated me, brought me to tears and damaged my self-esteem. He would always try his best to break me down, rather than lift me up. Oftentimes I wondered why he would do such a thing, especially now that I had given birth to our child (because of course everything was fine before our son was born). Then I finally realized that he wanted a drama filled reaction out of me so he could say that he had a typical “baby mamma” that came with the expected drama. Once I realized what he was doing, I stepped back and told myself that I would not react foolishly (not that I ever did) to any of his negative comments or actions towards me and our child because I realized that I could not waste my precious time reacting to him and wasting energy when I had a child to care for. I decided that I would be stern with him, but I would no longer be attitudinal or irate with him. I also realized that the more I responded to him negatively, the more mental power I gave him over me. So after consciously deciding to stop reacting negatively to his actions and feeding into him, my life became more peaceful; and to my surprise, he was more enraged and upset with my positive actions or non-reactions. He eventually figured out that I was not going to react out of pocket towards him anymore, so he stopped for a while. To this day, he still tries to get a rise out of me, but his antics don’t work.
After I realized that my son’s father wanted a drama-filled relationship, I thought to myself…WHY? Why would any man want a relationship with a woman that is a 24/7 headache? Then I realized that unfortunately, this is what some men want because they get a rise out of it and they just like women with a little extra fire in their bones. I also came to the sad conclusion that some men are simply used to having relationships with women who like to perform dramatically because it is what they are used to. Now, some women may say that the men they are involved in relationships with make them behave in a certain manner. This may be true to some extent because oftentimes, when something doesn’t go the way it was anticipated, we allow our emotions to get the best of us, and we instantly react without thinking. However, it is always better to walk away from a person and a situation before you allow it to get the best of you. My relationship with my son’s father taught me some valuable lessons, but the most valuable lesson I learned is not to allow someone to take me out of my character as a woman. This lesson is a simple, commonsense one that is known, but it is often overlooked and not applied. With learning this lesson, I also had to learn how to put aside my ego and control my emotions. Putting aside my ego and controlling my emotions allowed me to listen to the person and filter through what they were saying and how they were reacting, giving me the advantage when I responded because I gathered all information needed to render a calm, intelligent response…which in turn angered them, insulted their pride, or caused them to back down and apologize. How and why do I put aside my ego and control my emotions? I pray and ask God to show me how He wants me to handle situations, and every time I do He shows me. The drama my son’s father wanted out of me was something I refused to give him. In fact, the drama that anyone wants me to give them is something I refuse to give because a moment of drama is not worth me laying aside the woman I am. What would it prove? Nothing. How would I benefit from it? I wouldn’t. Is it worth it? Not at all. Maintaining your character is worth more than a moment of ego driven drama. Let it go and let God.
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.