All Articles Tagged "anger"
The Drama You Want, is the Drama You Won’t Get! How To Handle The Negative Reaction Negative People Want To Get Out Of You
Do men really desire a drama free relationship, even if the relationship is casual? Or, do men like drama from women on a certain level? A few years ago, I was blessed with one of the smallest and greatest gifts known to mankind by giving birth to my son. Not only was I blessed with this gift, but I was given a long-awaited title of mom. While I was blessed with the gift of my son and the privileged title of mom, I also had the burden of encountering confusion, unnecessary drama and a lack of respect from the father of my child. From the day my son was born, his father constantly did and said things that infuriated me, brought me to tears and damaged my self-esteem. He would always try his best to break me down, rather than lift me up. Oftentimes I wondered why he would do such a thing, especially now that I had given birth to our child (because of course everything was fine before our son was born). Then I finally realized that he wanted a drama filled reaction out of me so he could say that he had a typical “baby mamma” that came with the expected drama. Once I realized what he was doing, I stepped back and told myself that I would not react foolishly (not that I ever did) to any of his negative comments or actions towards me and our child because I realized that I could not waste my precious time reacting to him and wasting energy when I had a child to care for. I decided that I would be stern with him, but I would no longer be attitudinal or irate with him. I also realized that the more I responded to him negatively, the more mental power I gave him over me. So after consciously deciding to stop reacting negatively to his actions and feeding into him, my life became more peaceful; and to my surprise, he was more enraged and upset with my positive actions or non-reactions. He eventually figured out that I was not going to react out of pocket towards him anymore, so he stopped for a while. To this day, he still tries to get a rise out of me, but his antics don’t work.
After I realized that my son’s father wanted a drama-filled relationship, I thought to myself…WHY? Why would any man want a relationship with a woman that is a 24/7 headache? Then I realized that unfortunately, this is what some men want because they get a rise out of it and they just like women with a little extra fire in their bones. I also came to the sad conclusion that some men are simply used to having relationships with women who like to perform dramatically because it is what they are used to. Now, some women may say that the men they are involved in relationships with make them behave in a certain manner. This may be true to some extent because oftentimes, when something doesn’t go the way it was anticipated, we allow our emotions to get the best of us, and we instantly react without thinking. However, it is always better to walk away from a person and a situation before you allow it to get the best of you. My relationship with my son’s father taught me some valuable lessons, but the most valuable lesson I learned is not to allow someone to take me out of my character as a woman. This lesson is a simple, commonsense one that is known, but it is often overlooked and not applied. With learning this lesson, I also had to learn how to put aside my ego and control my emotions. Putting aside my ego and controlling my emotions allowed me to listen to the person and filter through what they were saying and how they were reacting, giving me the advantage when I responded because I gathered all information needed to render a calm, intelligent response…which in turn angered them, insulted their pride, or caused them to back down and apologize. How and why do I put aside my ego and control my emotions? I pray and ask God to show me how He wants me to handle situations, and every time I do He shows me. The drama my son’s father wanted out of me was something I refused to give him. In fact, the drama that anyone wants me to give them is something I refuse to give because a moment of drama is not worth me laying aside the woman I am. What would it prove? Nothing. How would I benefit from it? I wouldn’t. Is it worth it? Not at all. Maintaining your character is worth more than a moment of ego driven drama. Let it go and let God.
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
Here we go again. By now, we should know that we’re never too far away from a Kanye West “episode.”
On Saturday night, he kicked off his back-to-back shows at London’s Hammerstein Apollo. After performing the G.O.O.D Music single, “Clique,” Yeezy decided that it was time to get some things off his chest.
He first discussed how he hates business people and the corporate world because they are wiling to stifle an artist’s creativity just to make a few million dollars. “Remind me again why we in this s**t? Since when was making music about getting rich,” he added.
But that was just the tip of the iceberg.
In what could be used as a double-edged sword, Kanye said:
“Remind me why we in this Isht? And I got love for Hov but I ain’t f**king with that Suit & Tie.”
As we all know, Jay-Z is featured on Justin Timberlake’s new single “Suit & Tie.” In the context of his rant, it is likely that he made the “suit and tie” comment in reference to his sudden disdain of corporations. However, Kanye is not a stupid man so he’s undoubtedly aware that this also comes across as an open “attack” of his friend’s new song.
Apparently, he also hates the foundation that has given him 21 awards: The Grammys. Kanye told the crowd that the Grammys can “suck my d**k” and that he’s “never won a Grammy against a white person.” Now unless he’s talking about winning an award in a non rap category (he would be right in that case), he is wrong because he’s beat both Eminem and The Beastie Boys in the past.
Oh, he’s also not over Taylor Swift beating Beyonce at the MTV Awards years ago. He still believes it is “bulls**t” and that a six year who’s working on their musical craft will be discouraged because someone like Swift (who he is saying is less talented) will always come out on top.
Finally, in response to President Obama calling him a jackass, Kanye replied, “I don’t give a f**k what none of the presidents got to say!”
At some point during the first video, he starts yelling uncontrollably, saying:
“Real [n-word] don’t live too long in this Shyte. They say you coming on too strong in this Isht. They always talking about I’m doing wrong in this Isht. I could give a f**k about…! Remind me why we in this Isht! I lost my muthaf**king mama! So I could a Fawk about your comments, I promise!”
On Twitter, fans who attended the concert tweeted that the rant brought down the energy of what was otherwise a great show. His rant just never seemed to end.
People have been saying that Kanye has not been the same since his mother, Dr. Donda West, passed in 2007. Many feel that he has just let his emotions simmer and his music – and personality – has greatly suffered.
One can only wonder how Nike feels about his hatred of corporations and big businesses since they’ve given him a deal to design the Air Yeezy sneakers. There aren’t many major businesses that need any artists to do anything for them so if this continues, Kanye could find himself on the outside looking in trying to figure out where he went wrong.
Check out the videos below for the rants (in the first video, it starts at about 4:10).
What do you think?
Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Javon Belcher was pronounced dead early Saturday morning after taking the life of his girlfriend and then committing suicide.
Details are still somewhat sketchy but Yahoo! Sports reports that around 7am, Belcher and his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins got into an argument. While the reason for the argument remains unclear, it resulted in Belcher shooting Perkins multiple times. She was taken to the hospital and pronounced dead.
Belcher then proceeded to Arrowhead Stadium’s team facility, home of the Kansas City Chiefs, where he ran into the team’s General Manager Scott Pioli and head coach Romeo Crennel, along with at least one other employee. The facility was evacuated and locked down by police after Perkins’ mom, who witnessed her daughter being shot, notified them of what had happened in the home. The GM and coach attempted to talk Belcher out of hurting anyone else but he then shot himself in the head.
A police spokesman said Belcher thanked the coaches and staff for everything they’d done for him. They continued to try to talk to him but he walked in the opposite direction and that was when they heard the gunshot.
The rest of the team was called to the main facility to be made aware of what had happened. In a statement prepared by Chairman and CEO Clark Hunt, he expressed the following:
“The entire Chiefs family is deeply saddened by today’s events, and our collective hearts are heavy with sympathy, thoughts and prayers for the families and friends affected by this unthinkable tragedy. We sincerely appreciate the expressions of sympathy and support we have received from so many in the Kansas City and NFL communities, and ask for continued prayers for the loved ones of those impacted.
“We will continue to fully cooperate with the authorities and work to ensure that the appropriate counseling resources are available to all members of the organization.”
What makes the story even more tragic is that Belcher and Perkins had a three month old daughter. Thankfully, she is safe and is with a relative.
The Kansas City Chiefs have a home game on Sunday against the Carolina Panthers; according to sources, the league has told the Panthers to travel to Kansas City as though the game will be played.
A quote I’ve been familiar with since I was a child was “The only thing worse about losing an argument is winning one.” I mean, let’s be honest, that’s hard to not only hear but to accept as truth. Sometimes you’re going about your own business and a person who is looking to prove themselves might try to purposely provoke you. You can either attempt to put them in their place, but usually that just makes you sink lower. Or, you can ignore it, let them act a fool, but sometimes that makes you feel lower. So what should you do? Validate it, or ignore it?
I was a Sociology minor in college and one thing that we studied was the portrayal of African Americans. Now, to add on to the discussion of whether Black people are constant threats to society, a correlation that I made was that people have a tendency to want to prove their agency. In a time where we (black people) are at the bottom of society’s ladder, and besides having a black president, some black people still feel as though we are constantly looked down upon and always losing. It makes you think, “Are these people resorting to acting out to have just any small victory to cling to?” Feeling helpless in a society that disposes them, carrying the burden of responsibility we all have that every single action we make is a representation of a total race, and feeling like no matter what you do, you’re seen as lower? So, instead of trying to take the high road, some say “eff it,” and attempt to win these petty fights in an effort to feel like we’re succeeding. To somehow prove to themselves that “I can win something,” whether it’s an argument, spitting match, or fight.
So you have the people who are looking for an easy win anywhere they can, and then you have the people who have seemed to lose their social graces by spending too much time trolling on internet sites. Some of these people are so accustomed to being internet thugs and gangsters, saying what they want behind the protection of a screen, they forget that in face to face interaction, you can get it. These things, mixed together, are creating a mixture of rash behavior and stupidity that is being documented through camera phones, Youtube and Worldstar Hip Hop.
The first time I truly thought about this was after the Cleveland bus driver fiasco. While everyone was debating if the punch was warranted or not, I always wondered, why was he even arguing with the girl in the first place? The camera comes on and they’re both insulting each other. All I could think was, “If just one of them would have stopped talking…” But I feel like we’re living in a time now where it’s encouraged to put people in their places. Someone wants to say something out of pocket to you? ”Oh, you think you know who you are, but I’m about to show you who I am!” We see this type of behavior validated through the reality television shows that we watch. A look turns into words. Words turn into insults, and insults turn into violent action, and people are validated by it.
Now, let’s go to the Baltimore bus driving incident. Since recording happened while the fight was in motion, the viewers have helped them create the full picture by the comments after the scuffle is finally broken up. From the comments, the riders seem to think that the bus driver was wrong for fighting the teen and when confronting the bus driver about it, the bus driver replied, “It’s not about that, it’s about respect.” So what you’re telling me is that when she began to act a fool, you couldn’t ignore it? You had to get out of your seat to put her in her place for disrespecting you? Until more information comes out about how things started, I’ll hold my tongue, but if those punches were thrown out of the fact that you wanted to teach the girl about “respect,” did you really win?
Now I’m not going to tell you how to live your own personal lives, but I’m saying all of this because I love you (even though I don’t know you) and personally know what can happen when you’re trying to prove yourself. I’ve had two cousins within the last four years who decided to validate someone’s crazy behavior. The end result? One cousin was shot in the head in a crowd full of people and the other got stabbed, again, in a crowd full of people. The people who were egging them on to prove their point are still alive today. My cousins, who wanted to show off, aren’t.
Just realize that consequences come when you decide to validate stupidity. You might be rewarded a few extra Tfollowers, and have your name gain weight in the street but at the end, all the examples that we’ve seen recently of people validating foolishness have led to arrests, sentencings, firings and deaths.
So really, when you find yourself so consumed about wanting to win an argument, consider that the key to success is ignoring it. Consider letting the ignorant person find their own validation with someone else and don’t risk losing the amazing things you have in store for yourself over a few words. It’s not worth it.
While you ignore foolishness, you should validate Kendra Koger’s twitter account @kkoger.
Women are highly analytical creatures. You give us a sentence and we make ten decisions about your personality. Some may call that judgmental. We like to think of it as smart. Either way, men have to be extra careful with their words around us! Here are some of the trickiest questions women ask.
I sat across from my mother as a million and one thoughts and images flashed through my head. Our lovely Saturday afternoon lunch outing had just gone south as I learned that my checking account had been hacked and for the last three days someone had been going on unauthorized shopping sprees at my expense. I put my head in my hands as I moaned and groaned something about people who chose to steal from others instead of earning an honest living. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. This had never happened to me before. I felt so violated. As I scrolled down the list of my most recent transactions on my banking app, I grew more and more angry. “The nerve of this person,” I thought to myself. As crazy as it sounds, I even began drudging up an image in my mind of the person who had broken into my account by looking at the different purchases they made. My mom eventually talked me off the ledge and I calmed down long enough to call the bank and explain what happened. They quickly put a hold on my account and reassured me that my money would be returned to my bank account within a couple of business days. For some reason though, I didn’t let out the loud sigh of relief that one would expect me to. I actually didn’t feel relieved at all. I knew all along that the bank would refund my money, but that wasn’t really my concern. It was the fact that it even happened to me in the first place that upset me the most. I had taken this unfortunate occurrence way too personally, which is something I seemed to do pretty often.
Red and itchy hives began to appear on my arms and legs, which seemed to be something that had been happening more frequently when I found myself getting extremely worked up about something. I released a loud sigh on my drive home as I realized that my “mini soap opera” had been over for almost thirty minutes, yet, I had allowed myself to get so worked up my body was still reacting to it. “This can’t be healthy,” I thought to myself.
By stressing and internalizing every little thing I was not only putting my mental and emotional health at risk, but my physical health as well. As a young woman, there are so many things that I desire to experience and accomplish. I wish to enjoy life in its full capacity and certainly do not want to be hindered by stress-induced illnesses. During that drive home I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would try my best to refrain from stressing over things I had no control over. A scripture from Matthew 6:27 quickly came to mind, which reads, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Although I read that scripture several times before, in that single moment it put so much into perspective. Worrying never really changed anything and stressing never made anything better. These behaviors are actually often counterproductive.
Do you find yourself stressing over things you have no control over?
I’m sure you’ve heard all the sayings about haters in your years: “Make your haters your motivators,” “Haters gonna hate,” “Let the haters hate,” and who could forget the catchy song, “Hi hater”? Nicki Minaj even sent love to her haters in her hit song, “Moment 4 Life” when she said, Shoutout to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t phase me. But as we know as of late, a few of her haters got under the rapper and her bosses’ skin so much that she backed out of performing at Hot 97′s Summer Jam concert this past weekend.
DJ Peter Rosenberg got on stage during Summer Jam before the femmeC’s scheduled performance and declared that her song “Starships” (not Nicki Minaj as a whole) was “wack” and panned it as not being “real hip-hop.” Rosenberg has talked many times on his show, “The Cipha Sounds and Rosenberg Show,” about being one of those old-fogy, take-’em-back-to-the-old-days-of-hip-hop heads and has made his feelings vocal about “Starships” for a while. Once those comments were known to Lil Wayne and his team, he told Nicki that she shouldn’t take the stage. She and the YMCMB camp didn’t stand down from their choice, and through a barrage of Tweets from Roman Zolanski and her camp, she let folks know that while she will ride with her fans until the end, R-E-S-P-E-C-T was most important in this situation. She also reiterated that point in her interview with Funkmaster Flex yesterday.
After doing some thinking, I will say that I don’t disagree with Nicki’s anger and some of the comments she’s made. There is honestly something jacked up about a radio station making money off of you and then turning around and having one of its biggest representatives say you made a wack song, publicly, before you’re slated to hit the stage for them. Doing so before her performance could have fostered negative energy amongst the crowd, and that’s not cool. In everyday terms, that’s like someone asking you to help them cook for Thanksgiving, you get ready to slave over the stove, and then a family member tells Auntie Jackie and ‘nem that a dish you made before was the wackest thing they ever tasted. I’m sure you would feel some sort of way about bringing the plate of dressing after the fact. A random example, but I’m sure you understand. However, DJ Peter Rosenberg isn’t an influential fan who could make or break her, he was a random guy with an opinion. That’s it. Why get so bent out of shape that you let this man cheat your fans out of their chance to see you?
This is not only about hip-hop, but this situation reminds me of the confusion people have between individuals being haters and having an opinion. An opinion with some truth to it that they’re not ready to face. Sure, DJ Rosenberg expressed his opinions at an unnecessary time, but these weren’t new opinions he was expressing, nor was it an opinion that I’m sure she hadn’t heard before. He didn’t say that as a whole, Nicki Minaj wasn’t real hip-hop or that she was a wack musician all around, but that her song “Starships” isn’t real hip hop. And, uh, HELLO, I’m sure even she knows that it’s not. But why care so much when you were the same person saying on the radio that you weren’t worried about pleasing old hip-hop fans anymore anyway?
Before you call me a maneater, I should point out that this wasn’t just any man; this was a three-year, on-again, off-again, ex man who got his feelings hurt by foolishly thinking that he could keep making me an option and I would continue to keep him as my priority. I totally know why he thought that, that’s how things had been for the majority of our relationship as I swallowed his explanations of why he couldn’t do this, or be there, or provide x, y, and z, and continued to put in work overtime to show him the value of investing in whatever bullcrap of a relationship we had. Eventually though, I found myself in a position of being the one getting her phone blown up, and being begged for explanations, and asked why I did this, that, and the third and you know what, it felt damn good.
It all started with taking a trip to my ex’s city. I had conveniently put up a status mentioning I was in the city, on his birthday no less, and though I know it was incredibly childish, I wanted him to know I was within arm’s reach yet didn’t bother to call. Though we had been in some sort of potential reconciliation stage a few months prior, we hadn’t spoken in months and for good reason, and not engaging him was a personal triumph for me and not necessarily a punishment for him. He called though. Almost as soon as was back in my hometown, I looked at my phone and found 24 missed calls within an 11-minute span. That’s that good old T-mobile rejection option for you—shows all the calls that came through but you don’t even have to hear them or be tempted to answer in the moment. I was curious what he had to say though and since I was far enough away that we couldn’t come in physical contact, I calmly called back and asked if something was wrong. That’s when I was grilled about where I was and why I didn’t call and when I said I was shown actions that told me he didn’t want to be called I was hung up on.
That was just the beginning. By the time my airport ride was over I had texts asking me what I was doing while in his city, why I didn’t call and when two minutes went by without a response I was called and asked why I didn’t answer, again why I didn’t call and questioned about who I was with as if he was still my man. Oh, but just in case I thought otherwise, by his obsessive inquisition, he wasn’t mad though. I obliged his questions, and repeated the details of my trip in a continuous circle as no matter whether we were talking about the sky being blue or the price of tea in China, we kept coming back to the same question of who was I messing with—again as if he deserved an answer.
In the midst of all this he somehow decided to give a speech that almost sounded like a breakup talk that I found extremely comical since in my head we’d been broken up for more than a year now. But since he wanted to let me know we were just “cool” now and nothing more, yet still continued with a modified question of whether I’d talked to anyone since we’d semi-rekindled things, I decided to be completely honest and say I had. Truthfully, the other person wasn’t even worth mentioning for the two, three weeks max that we were in contact with each other, but since my ex wanted to know and we were “just friends” now I figured I might as well appease him. I didn’t expect the reaction I got, but he obviously was fronting about how “just cool” we were because I suddenly became every name in the book other than Brande—which is very telling of a man’s character by the way—even though he wasn’t mad, he just thought it was “funny.” So funny, that he had to call me another 25 times, leave me four voicemails, send me a slew of texts about all the terrible things he wishes would happen to me, and still think that I would believe for a second he wasn’t mad, hurt (or crazy).
While I really should have been mad at the way he handled the situation, all I felt was an odd sense of satisfaction—increasingly with every call. I used to be the one blowing his phone up, asking where he was, why he wasn’t answering, why he did something to hurt me. But this time I just felt sorry for him because the more someone tries to prove to you how mad they’re not, the more you know just how hurt they are. And I wouldn’t even say it’s necessarily because he loved me so much and realized he lost me, some of his aggression was pure ego showing itself because he didn’t think I’d ever go anywhere because I’d tolerated so much, and that’s something I take responsibility for. There’s also something about not engaging someone when they want to transfer their anger to you that sets them off more than anything. I refused to stoop to his level or apologize for not doing anything wrong. I simply sent a friendly reminder that if he wanted to be mad at anyone, he should be mad at himself because he dropped the ball and didn’t step up to the plate like he should have, and from his perspective another man was now picking up where he left off, and that’s exactly where his mind needed to be.
The borderline harassment carried over to the next morning as more calls poured in nonstop from 10 am til about 10:45 the next day and when I finally answered and he claimed he wanted to talk about me “misleading” him I didn’t have time for it. Again, I reminded him that he was mad because his feelings were hurt because he had no one to blame for this situation but himself. He messed up and now he has to live with the consequence of that decision and by the sheer number of times he’s reached out to prove he’s not tripping, it’s evident he is. I, on the other hand, am chilling and relishing in the moment every woman who’s been in a bad relationship dreams about. The chance where she gets to flip the tables and transfer some of that hurt back to the person who first initiated it not in a vengeful way but more like something coming full circle. I didn’t set out to purposely inflict the level of anger, hurt, or whatever he’s going through over the course of our conversation but I can’t say I regret that he feels it, because it’s a pain I’ve known for much longer and that I won’t ever feel with him again. They say karma is a bia, and now he definitely knows it.
Have you ever felt just the slightest ounce of satisfaction when a man you’re over experiences the pain he caused you?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
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Despite the fact that Ri-Ri pissed off folks at “Saturday Night Live” by missing her final dress rehearsal for the show over the weekend, homegirl still brought the sex and the swag to the stage as the musical performer (Eli Manning was the host) on the popular weekly show. The singer called in sick, but some cast members called bull saying that during the show she looked perfectly fine. In the end, she didn’t sweat when the heat was thrown on her. Instead, she danced in little pants and slapped her crotch while performing a mash up of “Cake” and “Talk That Talk” during her first set of the night. And while she looked great, I’m sorry, but homegirl sounded very shaky. Maybe she was sick after all, and if she wasn’t she might want to stick to that excuse…
But in the second performance of “Where Have You Been,” she showed off some slick choreography and sounded much better. That one we were actually grooving to. But you check out both performances below and let us know what you think. Awesome or awful?
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