From YourTango

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From Essence

Let’s face it. The first date is a test. Unfortunately, many of us go about it the wrong way by trying to figure out everything our companion is doing wrong to disqualify him instead of looking at everything he’s doing right. Following are the seven most common first date mistakes, based on what my male clients have told me after going on dates with women.

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The term female friend is like kryptonite to girlfriends everywhere, especially for those of us who watch too many of those romantic comedies where the guy realizes that he is in love with his female best friend and the two skip off down a crowded New York City street, hand-in-hand and live happily ever after leaving the clueless and unlucky girlfriend wondering where she went wrong. As a woman who has found herself on both sides of this triangle, as both the concerned girlfriend and the completely platonic female friend, I feel that it is safe to say that there isn’t much I have not witnessed when it comes to the strain of dating a man with a close female friend. In my experience, I can say with affirmation that not all female friends are man-stealers and in the same breath say that not all female friends are on the up-and-up either. It all comes down to the woman’s motives. Sometimes her only intention is to have a great friendship with your guy. Other times, she’s merely occupying the friend role until the girlfriend role is available. And that’s only if she’s not scandalous enough to try to push up on him while he is still in a relationship with you. But how can you tell the difference? How do you separate the reals from the fakes? Peep her moves, they’ll almost always reveal her motives, and of course, his behavior will also help in determining what the deal is as well. Coping with a boyfriend’s close relationship with another woman can be difficult for some women, but before you go getting your panties in a bunch and giving all of your guy’s lady pals the side-eye, check out these signs that may indicate whether she’s just a friend or a woman on a mission.

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Most of what I know about love and relationships today came from the things that my parents taught me growing up and personal experiences. My mother made sure I knew about the common lies and lines that men who were deceitful would try to run on me. My dad made sure he trained me to spot out a man who was only looking for “that thing.” Personal experiences taught me the rest. While my parents were amazing teachers, there were just some things that they couldn’t teach me. There were those things that I just couldn’t sit and talk to them about. This is where my guy friends would have fit in perfectly. Some of these points may seem like simple common sense; however, most of these lessons were only learned through experience.

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More than I care to admit, the topic of relationships, careers and children has been coming up a lot around my apartment these days. This Saturday night was no different. As my housemate and I sat in the kitchen talking, we somehow stumbled onto the topic of whether to have children in your 20s, or wait until your 30s.

She said if she finds a man she wants to marry before 30, no ifs, ands or buts about it— “I popping out dem babies in my 20’s.” I giggled at her Trinidad accent, completely objecting to the idea of having any children before the age of 30. Hell, I’ll even take 29 on the verge of turning 30, but before then— I’m not feeling the idea.

According to 2010 birth statistics completed by the U.S. Census Bureau, 42 percent of women ages 25 to 34 with at least one bachelor’s degree gave birth for the first time, compared to 76 percent for women ages 35 to 44.

Although I have no desire to wait until my late 30’s or 40’s, I can understand why so many women are choosing to.

Call me selfish, but there is too much I want to do before I am 30, and right now, while I am in my 20’s— I feel this is the best time to do them. I want to travel the world, maybe move a few more times. Challenge myself career wise and achieve accomplishments my family can truly be proud of. All these things become harder to do when you have a child who depends on you to provide for them.

Also, let’s face it; we all have had those conversations with one girlfriend who’s worried about her ticking biological clock. I want to let love naturally happen. You know, boy meets girl and they begin to date before getting married? Not, boy meets girl, and girl begins to plan when they’ll get married and what color the bridesmaids’ dresses will be, all before knowing what he wants to do with the rest of his life.  I don’t want to put a rush order on marriage for the sake of having children before reaching the fertility peaking age of 28.

Ninety percent of couples’ marital bliss declines within a year after the birth of their first child, according to a study done by the University of Denver. And 40 percent of children born to two parents can expect to live in a single-parent household by the time they are 18, as reported in 2009 by the U.S. Census Bureau.

My parents spent the majority of the ‘80s dating, and late in the decade, they were married. A few months after “I do,” my mother was pregnant with me. Now as a young woman, I realize my parents never had the chance to transition from dating, to husband and wife, before becoming mom and dad. As a child of divorced parents, who separated shortly after I started school, I want to spend a few years getting to know my husband— a man I’m no longer “just dating.”

Lastly, for obvious reasons, I want to be financially stable. The majority of your lifetime earning potential takes place in your 20s, says Dr. Meg Jay, author of The Defining Decade, estimating two-thirds of lifetime wage growth happens during the first 10 years of your career.

As women, we are often made to feel that our 30’s are the end of the world. Like we have to accomplish and do all of these things before we find ourselves on other side of our 20’s. With the average person living anywhere from 72 to 80 years, not factoring personal health or family genetics, is having a child in your 30’s really that bad? But what can I say? This is just a plan, and that’s the beautiful yet nerve racking thing about them— nothing ever seems to go quite according to “the plan.”

Jasmine Berry is a senior majoring in journalism at St. John’s University. Follow her on twitter @signedjas. 

Plenty of women agree that a husband-to-be should find you, instead of the other way around. Those ladies are happy to sit back and let a man assume control of her romantic destiny. Totally fine, but also just one way of going about things. A “laissez-faire” approach, if you will. If this is you, stop now. You won’t enjoy what you’re about to read. Because of that, you won’t learn anything. You’re just wasting your time. And you really shouldn’t. Time is too valuable. You’ve been warned.

If you’re not totally sold on the laissez-faire approach, you’re likely a proactive woman., so keep reading. These tips are for ladies ready to take their  romantic destinies to the next level.

A “true 22″ lady is one of proaction. She wastes not and wants for little. Time is precious, and with cunning, voracity and charms, she claims all she needs. Wrapping the Right man around her finger is just a matter of time for this intelligent and ambitious woman. She takes risks and learns quickly from her own mistakes, but preferably those of others.

The next few tips are just accessories in her oversized shoulder bag. Like any accessory, they are details that empower her decision making. After all, it will be her choice to have a man, or not. Depending on her personality, she play the necessary fawn to lure a man to her forever embrace. But the first move is always hers to claim, and when presented with the right opportunity, she takes it.

The term “wears the pants” refers to a dominant, powerful and decision-making individual.  Of course the term originates with men, when historically men wore pants, and women were always in dresses or skirts.  Since these times, women have gained confidence, independence and financial security apart from their male counterparts.  In this case, the woman can become the reigning partner in a relationship and therefore “wear the pants.”  So are you wearing the pants in your relationship?  Take a look at these seven signs that you might be forfeiting your dainty dress, and slipping into a pair of pants, instead of your man.

There is nothing sexier than a man with confidence. Who doesn’t like a little swagger? However, sometimes that charming confidence can morph into annoying arrogance. You know, when brotherman thinks that you should jump through hoops and thank the baby Jesus that you’re with him.  This dude shouldn’t be dating ANY woman. He is already in the perfect relationship–with himself.  Here are seven types of arrogant men that need to eat some humble pie.

First dates are awkward. There is so much you want to know about the person across the table from you.  They are an opportunity to show the best version of yourself and leave your bad day at work, or current fight with a friend, at the door.  Although it’s a time to really get to know someone, it’s important to stay away from a few behaviors that will leave you dateless in the future, at least with this particular man. Here are some tips for what not to do on a first date.