All Articles Tagged "advice"
Keri Hilson On Relationships: Bottom Line Is, A Man Will Treat You According To The ‘Messages’ YOU Put Out
Miss Keri baby is dropping some knowledge this Friday afternoon when it comes to women and relationships — or not depending on your view of the male/female dynamic.
According to Necole Bitchie, innocently, or so it seemed, Keri Hilson uploaded the image above to Instagram seemingly offering an inspiring word to women and girls about their dealings with men. But it didn’t take long for people to zone in on the fact that Keri appeared to be putting all the onus on women when it comes to men treating them right — and that people did not stand for. Seeing the 200-plus comments she received on the posts (mostly in the negative vain) Keri backed up her message with this advice:
“Interesting comments on my last IG post…quite a stir. But I don’t see the confusion. Ladies don’t get it twisted. It DOES start with YOU!! Unfortunately, every man doesn’t possess some standard high amount of respect for every woman they encounter…just as every woman doesn’t exude the same amount of confidence, class, or self respect. This is not a perfect world, where men treat “hoes” with the same respect they give “ladies” just because their mother taught them well.
Bottom line is, a man will treat you according to the “messages” YOU put out there. That’s the way of the world…reality. If you exude sex, you will attract men who want that from you. If you exude self respect, you will attract the type of men who respect women. In this world, you attract what you exude. Ladies, WE set the tone!! NEVER forget that!! We have the power to change our experiences w/ men.”
Keri’s message certainly isn’t wrong, but I’m sure there are plenty of women out there thinking I treat myself with respect and demand it from others and I still can’t find a good man, so don’t act like this advice is foolproof. Or they feel like this commenter who told Keri her message is nothing but “Patriarchy at its finest & many women can’t even see how they buy into and/or perpetuate the oppression.”
I definitely believe we all show others how to treat us, but I, for one, am tired of the notion that women have to teach men how to be men. Some men will attempt to walk all over you no matter what signs you put in the universe. At that point all you have control over is how long you tolerate the nonsense.
What do you think about Keri’s message?
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I am writing to you for some relationship advice. I am in a happy place in my relationship with my soul mate. We have been dating for quite some time and have been living together for two years. He is in the midst of building a fabulous home and totally has me in his future plans, and I love it all.
The only problem is that he has recently told me that he will be having his teenage son come live with us full time. The teen has a number of issues that they fail to address, like obesity, constant bed-wetting, lack of manners and poor hygiene. Do I put my feelings of happiness on the back burner or try to work out the new living arrangement? I am hoping you can provide me with some help on this one.
Read what Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this on Essence.com
Niecy Nash is giving advice. Watch out now.
The actress recently released a book for single women. Happily married to her husband, Jay Tucker, she offers some friendly dating advice for women to meet their perfect match in her new book “It’s Hard to Fight N*ked.”
In an interview with Sister 2 Sister, she talks internet dating and more.
Jamie: You internet dated?
Niecy: I sure did, girl, with my real face. Let me tell you what. I was on Match.com, Black People Meet. I was on Christian Singles and BlackWomenWithWeavesAndKids.org or something like that—
Read More at EurWeb.com
Dear Young La,
Why are you so obsessed with what someone else thinks of you? Why are you so taken with having “haters”?
Your obsession with being disliked, judged, hated on… is only a reflection of what is going on inside, girl. And you can’t face that internal truth, can you? You create all this movement in your life. Getting dressed up. Planning this event. Performing at that event. Raising money for this charity. Speaking on this panel. Stepping out to that night spot with your girlfriends. But you’re making the classic error of mistaking movement for achievement. Sure, you do a lot. But none of it fulfills you and in an effort to feel better about your empty pursuits, you create yourself some “haters,” these mythical beings who supposedly can’t stand how well you’re doing and go out of their way to be vocal about it.
Let me put you on to something, sis: All the imaginary haters, naysayers and judgmental folks you’ve created – it’s all just a reflection of what’s going on inside you. You’re empty. You’re searching. You don’t feel fulfilled regardless of how much you do. So, you’ve created a false reality of hateration, as Mary would call it.
Truth moment? Folks aren’t thinking about you half as much as you’ve made yourself believe. You and your girlfriends put yourselves on pedestals claiming everyone hates you for your success when in reality if they even think about you, they dislike you because you’re mean. You’re mean because you’re not fulfilled. You’re not fulfilled because you’re a Grade A, first class narcissist.
Narcissism is real in your life. You take yourself entirely too seriously. You’ve traded self-reflection and humility for false pride and empty movement. Question: Why do you feel as though most people, if not everyone hates you and is judging you? Answer: Because what you choose to see and focus on, on the outside is a reflection of what’s going on inside. You’re unhappy. You’re not proud of where you are. There is an emptiness you’re too scared to fill by really stepping out on faith and walking in your purpose. No. The façade looks good enough. It’s safe. You put on a good show for the masses. You do a LOT, but the substance is lacking. You’re fearful that everyone else can see exactly what you feel inside so you lash out. You twist constructive criticism into “hate” and wise counsel into “judgment” because that’s essentially how YOU feel about yourself.
Look around you, love. Observe those who are really walking in their purpose. They are too busy living life as freely as possible to worry what others think of them. The most successful and fulfilled people you know are too busy moving forward to even acknowledge words like “haters.” Their measure of humility is not lacking. Their ability to meet and exceed life goals and missions is inspiring. They see what is happening around them but they do not let it deter them from where they are headed. They have no desire to play themselves up, toot their own horn, or list their accomplishments as society tells us we must do to get ahead. Their gifts make room for them. And their haters? If they exist, they’re non-factors. So do yourself a favor and get over yourself. You won’t regret it.
With love from 2013,
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La writes to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young women through her writing. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
Facebook COO and bestselling author Sheryl Sandberg’s memoir/feminist manifesto, Lean In, is causing quite a stir among working women. If you missed the hype, Sandberg uses her book to address the barriers in women’s minds that keep them from reaching the same levels of professional success as men. Sandberg acknowledges systematic hurdles like work and national policies, along with cultural expectations that inhibit the progress of women. But, she believes women can dismantle these hurdles by changing the way they think.
Sandberg’s critics note that her racial, academic, and economic privilege make it easier for her to put the burden on women to simply try harder to succeed. Many women were “leaning in” long before Sandberg’s book only to bump into a glass ceiling. A study by the League of Black Women found that black women make up only one percent of U.S. corporate officers.
Sandberg’s privilege shouldn’t stop women from applying the principles that brought her success. There are external boundaries inhibiting the success of black women, but that’s even more reason for us to eliminate the ones we inflict on ourselves. Check out these 10 principles from Lean In. Does the way you view yourself hold you back?
Q: I am eight months pregnant. It’s my husband and I’s second child. Our first is a daughter who is amazing. We have been together for three years and married four months. He walked out two months ago saying he needed time to think. The time he spent at home became less and less and then I found out he is living with a new female. He cheated on me before he walked out, but when he left he made it out to be my fault. I do love this man, and he doesn’t want to file for divorce and hasn’t removed anything from our home. I want to fix our marriage, but I know I cannot do it alone. How do I let my marriage go, and what I thought was going to be forever? Please help!
See what celebrity psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this situation on Essence.com.
I mean, if you like things rough, this actually might be right up your alley.
Christopher Maurice Brown (I’m so sick of him, I’m just going to start calling him by his full government name) was having a grand ol’ time at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood Thursday morning when he felt the urge to give the men in the crowd some advice. According to TMZ, he took the mic from the house dj and offered the following (in a melodic tune):
“Don’t make me have to tell you again. That’s my p**** baby…It’s mine, baby, babe, mine. Don’t make me have to tell you again/It’s my p****, baby/It’s mine girl, it’s mine, it’s mine girl/So you better not give it away
So every person in this motherf****ng building,if you got a bad B***h, you better say that to her cuz she might f**k another [n-word].”
Granted, singer Miguel has a song on his album of a very similar nature but…well, Miguel doesn’t come across an uncontrollable person so its allowed. Chris, on the other hand, often lets loose in drunken stupors and will never catch a break when he’s filmed saying something like this.
Perhaps his boo thang Rihanna likes talk like that (in the heat of the moment, other women might too) so he felt it only right to share what works in his relationship.
What’s The Rush? Are Male “Relationship Experts” Taking Their Quest To Marry Off Black Women Too Far?
I can’t sit through one more sermon, debate or call-in radio show.
I can’t read another statistic-littered blog post, magazine article or self-help book jacket.
I can’t—and never will—pay good money for a singles conference, get anointed with special herbs and spices, or visit my local soothsayer for answers.
I can’t listen to one more piece of here’s-how-to-snag-a-husband-and-get-your-lonely-tail-down-the-aisle advice, especially from a man.
I’m over it. On behalf of all of us.
There are far, far too many self-proclaimed relationship experts and marriage gurus building their brands and platforms on Black women’s desire to be part of loving, committed couples. Our hope is their business opportunity. Those elements, juxtaposed with this pandemic spirit of scarcity that insists there’s a man shortage, has created a bountiful environment for every half-cocked, wannabe man whisperer.
You’ve got to check out the rest of the Write or Die Chick’s thoughts over on Essence.
What do you think? Have the relationship experts gone too far in their quest to try and “marry off” black women?
January is National Mentoring Month and while it is important to serve as a mentor to students and young adults, having a mentor while on the job can also be a benefit. Whether you are serving as a mentor or looking for one, here are some tips for building and cultivating that connection.
As a mentee:
Clarify what you are looking for.
As you set out to find a mentor, be sure you know what you would like to get out of such a relationship. Do you want to know more about a particular industry, just gain insight into the workforce and management, or leverage a more established person’s network? Write down several goals you have after six months or a year of a mentor-mentee relationship.
The basics of financial planning are pretty simple. Spend less than you make, save for the future, and make smart investment choices. Still, once our wallet gets to a certain level of fatness (or deteriorates into shambles) we often feel the need to turn to an expert for advice.
Unfortunately, a good financial advisor can be hard to come by. Most of the time they aren’t trying to waste their precious billable hours on folks making less than six figures. Plus, it can feel hypocritical to fork over thousands of dollars for advice that you could be using to improve your financial standing.
Cue the internet to the rescue! Just like the travel industry and tax preparation services before it, financial advice is being streamlined by technology. Instead of a human advisor charging up to $150 an hour to ask you hundreds of questions about your financial standing, monetary goals, and openness to risk in order to develop a unique plan, a computer program does the job for a flat rate.
Web alternatives can be easier to use than going to a person. Many allow you to electronically pull information from your financial institutions, saving you the chore of compiling the information manually. An action plan is then generated specifically for you, based on the principles financial advisors follow. Some services, like NestWise, will follow up via e-mail or video chat with a human being for an additional fee.
For some people, visiting a firm may still be ideal. In his defense of financial advisors for Forbes, Mike Alfred refers to top advisors as “a quarterback in their client’s financial life [to] help coordinate estate planning, tax planning, insurance coverage, as well as providing a comprehensive process to help the client understand their funding needs and life goals.”
But, that logic is based on the theory that everyone’s financial situation is unique, and requires a plan specific to her financial position. The truth is, most of us are in the same boat. We eat out too much. We need to pay off debt. We’re saving for retirement or a big purchase.
If your finances have quirks that the average person doesn’t deal with, by all means turn to a professional for their opinion. But, if you’re an Average Jill looking to manage her money better, the web may be an effective, cost-friendly alternative. Here are a few options to consider, depending on the level of guidance you need to whip your wallet into shape:
Basic budgeting sites are perfect if you need help managing your money day-to-day. These free sites give you tools to track what you’re spending, what you’re saving, and how your investments are doing. Most will automatically pull your financial information from all your accounts into one place.
If you want the full financial advisor experience, without that pesky human being charging you by the hour, there are a few options available to you. These services are not free, but they are substantially lower compared to traditional planners’ prices. For an additional fee, you can speak with a person via chat or e-mail to talk through your financial plan.
C. Cleveland is a freelance writer and content strategist in New York City, perfecting living the fierce life at The Red Read. She is at your service on Twitter (@CleveInTheCity) and Facebook (/MyReadIsRed).