All Articles Tagged "abusive relationship"
Q: Dr. Sherry, I’m a 41-year-old mother of two who feels stifled. I’ve been married for 20 years and I made the conscious, yet difficult, decision to end my marriage after years of mental abuse and controlling behavior from my husband. I only have a high school education and I have a 19 and 17 year old. Can you please provide me with words of encouragement and empowering at this time? God bless!
See what encouraging words celebrity psychologist Sherry Blake has for this woman on Essence.com.
Sometimes you can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong with your relationship, and for that reason you decide there is nothing wrong. Not necessarily true. Here are 15 strange, subtle and seemingly unrelated signs that your man is toxic for your life.
He spoils you
Every woman deserves to be spoiled occasionally. But if your man constantly showers you with gifts, begins inappropriately early (like after date #2) and spends tons of money on said gifts, he is probably in great fear of losing you. And that’s a lot of pressure to put on a woman. We easily succumb to guilt and we can feel when a man would be devastated by us leaving him, so we often stay in relationships we don’t want to be in.
An eleven-year-old boy in Brooklyn named Terrance Allen is being hailed as a hero today for stabbing a 42-year-old man who was attacking his mom and cousin, effectively fending off the assault.
The story is hardly heartwarming though when you consider the fact that the assailant was the mom’s live-in boyfriend, Timothy Pender.
New York Daily News reported that the man “snapped” and began choking the mother, then when the cousin tried to get him to stop, he began choking her. It was then that the little boy ran to get a kitchen knife and stabbed Pender in the back. The boyfriend was arrested and charged with second-degree assault, criminal obstruction of breathing and criminal mischief. He was taken to the hospital to treat his “non-life-threatening injuries.”
They’re reporting that the boyfriend snapped because that’s probably how the mother characterized it, but let’s be real, this man is an ex-con with multiple prior arrests stretching back twenty years. The report said he has pleaded guilty in past cases to forcible touching, trespass, resisting arrest and theft of services. He didn’t “snap”. He is plain dangerous and the mother endangered her child by not only dating this man, but allowing him to live with them.
There isn’t enough love (or loneliness) in the world that should rid a mother of her common sense when deciding to let someone live in her house with her and her child. There is no excuse for this sort of foolishness.
How often do we hear of some woman whose abusive boyfriend killed her kids? Sure we can “boo-hoo” when tragedy happens, but can we also point out that women need to wise up about the men they attach themselves to? This is more than an emotionally-unavailable man that doesn’t return calls in a timely fashion. These are men who will come near killing a woman and have no qualms about turning that same wrath on her unsuspecting children.
In this case, the kid is being lauded as a hero, but he’s probably traumatized for life and it’s his mother’s fault. We can only hope that she has learned her lesson and won’t go back to this guy or any other physically abusive man who puts her and her child’s life in imminent danger.
Alissa Henry is a freelance writer living in Columbus, OH. Follow her on Twitter @AlissaInPink
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You know when it happens. You get that feeling in your gut that says, “There’s no going back from this” but then, out of fear, you do go back. But there is no denying it after reading this list. You might want to rethink your relationship status if any of this happens:
Why do people go on “a break”? Because something really tough comes up in life and the couple decides they should separate until the storm blows over. Guess what? LIFE is full of storms. If your relationship gets instantly shaken by little surprises, chances are, it just won’t last. Not after a break. Not ever. Besides, who knows how people are truly acting and what they’re really up to when they go on break mode. This could possibly just be an excuse to have your cake and eat it too.
For many of us, the question is simple: “why doesn’t she just leave?” But, surrounding that clear notion that abuse is bad, is a whole cloud of other emotions and twisted logic that makes it hard for women in abusive relationships to focus on the only thing they need to know: there is no excuse for abuse.
Here is some of that “logic”:
Here’s the thing about controlling men: they unfortunately have some nice qualities too, and those are the qualities you are going to fall for. They are probably the ones that the man will bring out the most while he is still trying to trap you into his…um…I mean, impress you.
By that time, you’re already attached to him. So when he begins telling you that you need to tell all your male friends that you can’t seem them anymore, or that he will suspect you’re cheating unless you give him the password to your email and phone, it’s too hard to walk away. You probably even tell yourself it’s because he cares about me SO much. Reality check: it’s because he is majorly insecure and rather than facing that fact, he turns his insecurities outwards onto you.
He’s not paranoid; you led him to feel like you were cheating, right? And, he isn’t the jealous type; all of your male friends are actually trying to sleep with you and break up your relationship, right? WRONG…
There are a few subtle signs to look out for on the first date that are pretty accurate indicators of whether or not a man will be controlling. If you see them, run.
Even the most independent and assertive woman occasionally wants to play the damsel in distress to a strong man who wants to sweep her off of her feet and save her day. Nonetheless, there are times when that protection can turn perilous if you’re dating a man who looks at you less as his partner and more as his property.
The following red flags could mean your man is playing a game of puppet master: