Two weeks ago, I got a message from my mother.  It said: “Hi Charing; I hope all is well with you. I am writing to let you know that I will be moving to Florida in two weeks.”

If folks remember back to the whole Tracey Morgan situation with his mother, I wrote very candidly about my own estrangement from my mother.  I would like to say that we had a major falling out that could have been easily resolved with some time but truthfully it was a gradual thing that occured over the years and eventually became inevitable. So when I saw her email message, I had a lot of mixed emotions.

First, why was she emailing me? Emails are so impersonal. I send emails when I want to call out for work and don’t feel like faking the sick voice over the telephone.  Neither my house nor my cell phone numbers have changed so why didn’t she just call? And secondly, why was I the last to know? Of course, I know the answer to that, I mean we are on the outs, but it still didn’t hurt less to know that she is moving some 1200 miles from the place that she was born, raised, reared us – her children -and where her family continues to reside. And all I got was an email.

I didn’t know how to respond: should I point out to her the frosty way she chose to tell me, thus rehashing old arguments and bitter feelings?  Do I ignore the email and continue to be upset that she is moving away before resolving the differences between her and I? Doesn’t she care or even love me? My freaking head was pounding. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes as all the old memories began to resurface. I really needed to talk to someone. Someone, who could be sympathetic without making me feel guilty for these feelings I was having. Not too many folks understand. Not too many folks want to understand. Mothers are sacred and to speak ill against them is the equivalent of talking ish about Jesus. But I do have one ally, who understands. And that is my baby brother. So I called him:

“I kind of let go a while ago expecting Mom to be the mom we wanted her to be. I’m at the point now where I just let go of that dream so that I can move on with my life. My advice to you is to do the same. Just wish her well, say you’re happy for her and let go,” he said.  

Four years younger than me and yet so full of grown man wisdom.

The sins of parents are among the most difficult to forgive. Growing up, my brother and I learned very early on that our lives were an impediment on my mother’s happiness.  How do we know that for sure? Well, she told us that in so many words – most of which were not very nice.  She yelled and screamed a lot, called us names, withheld affection and  would punish us harshly for little things like not washing dishes properly and sometimes stuff that she made up in her head (and I’m not exaggerating). We were scared of her, constantly walking around on eggshells, not knowing for sure what minor infraction might set her off.  While on the phone with my brother, he and I recalled, almost amusingly, about how happy we were the times she wasn’t around – like the hours between the time we got home from school and the time she got home from work. But once we heard the key in the door it was like all the happiness had been sucked completely out of the room.

We also talked about how we remembered her being very melancholy. Like coming home from work and going directly into her bedroom, where she stayed the rest of her night locked away from us. Sometimes through the closed door, we would hear her cry. We never knew why. And although we were concerned, we dared not to knock on her bedroom door or else risk “getting in trouble.” Likewise, we don’t remember her having many friends or her doing much besides work – with exceptions of a few boyfriends, who would suddenly show up and move in. Those times she was happy, which meant that we were free to be happy too. But those moments of euphoria were short-lived as those relationships would quickly turn sour for a number of reasons including drug problems and abuse. She then would go back to being sad and depressed again.

We talked about how we know very little about our mother personally. I mean, we knew her birth date and other pertinent information, you know in case of emergency, but the rest of her life, down to what she was thinking, was totally a mystery. In fact, anything I learned about my mother, I learned from observation only or through second hand information.  Like how I learned from my grandmother that my mother and I never got along, “even as a baby I remember her trying to pick you up and you screaming your head off.  And then I would pick you up and you would get quiet. That used to upset your mother,” my grandmother once told me.

mirror.co.uk.com

Rihanna re-visits her past in a new short film in conjunction with her editorial spread in Elle magazine. The red hot singer recants her relationship with Chris Brown all in Spanish while sporting short designer outfits, strutting the streets of Havanna, Cuba, circa 1956 all the while a Cuban war goes on.

Do you think acting out the scene makes light of abuse?

Watch full video here…

Source: Necolebitchie.com

Usher is nowhere close to closing the case on his custody battle with his ex-wife Tameka Raymond, but now his name is being dragged into a situation between his little brother, James Lackey, and the mother of his child.

James and Martina, his child’s mother, have been going back and forth with allegations for months, but the biggest issue seems to be that James has claimed the $1,300 he has to pay in child support each month is beyond his means. Martina countered back saying that considering James is a music producer who has created hits for BOB, Lloyd, and most notably, his big brother, Usher, he can certainly afford the payments. In her fillings she stated:

“Given his opulent lifestyle, he has substantial income and assets available to him. He produces music with and for his brother Usher, he owns a recording studio, receives royalties, and owns a home and has several cars.”

Martina has also claimed that James was abusive, though it’s not clear whether she meant toward her or their child. He countered with a claim that she took their child and ran off to Michigan. The trial date for the case is set for next month which isn’t a moment too soon for these two. PSA for today: be careful who you procreate with.

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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• Nicki Minaj’s Family Says She Exaggerated Her Father’s Abuse

Source: Bio27.com

Last week, Nicki Minaj appeared on “Nightline” and she got very personal about witnessing her mother suffer in an abusive marriage to her father who was addicted to crack.

Nicki told the reporter growing up in that household was devastating and that she witnessed a lot of violence, saying:

“My father was abusive. It would be a real bad outburst and we were afraid for her [mother's] life because whenever he would have a real bad outburst, he would threaten to kill her.”

She added that his behavior angered her and said:

“I wanted to kill him, I wished he was dead.”

At the time, Nicki’s father simply told Nightline he’s been clean for several years, but family sources told TMZ her father is crushed that she decided to talk about their family life on TV, but worse than that they say she’s not telling the whole truth. According to the site’s sources,

“Nicki’s anecdotes are grossly exaggerated — Omar admits he had anger issues when she was a child … but insists it never reached the point Nicki described in her interview.”

Considering her father, Omar, was addicted to drugs, it wouldn’t be surprising for him to downplay the effect his actions had on his family. On the other hand, it’s interesting that Nicki says that environment likely gave way to the crazy alter egos we see her morph into on stage.

Regardless of any damage this interview may have done, Nicki says she has since forgiven her father for his abuse and her father insists he loves her and always has.

Check out her segment here when she also gets pretty upset at suggestions that she and Lady Gaga are similar. What do you think about her interview?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Source: Necole Bitchie

From Necole Bitchie.com 

Tami Roman is no stranger to controversy. She has become most known for her spunky, outspoken attitude and multiple altercations on Basketball Wives after she joined the cast during Season 2. But there’s way more to the single mother of two than you’d ever imagine.

On last week’s episode of Basketball Wives, viewers were shocked to learn that Tami had been the victim of sexual assault twice, as well as held up at gunpoint and physically abused which has become the source of her built up anger over the years. In a counseling session that she attended on the show to get to the root of her anger, she revealed:

How did your family react to your decision to share something so personal with the world?
Ultimately they’re very supportive. They want me to heal. We try to talk about anything and love on each other as much as possible. They were a little apprehensive because they didn’t know how people would receive that information coming from me. People see me all the time and think I’m the same way, so I thought that maybe if they understand why I’m this way, they can take this journey with me.

Having now watched the episode, how do you feel about your decision?
Vh1 treated it fairly and with respect. It was a four-hour therapy session. People have been very responsive and supportive. What I wanted to do was accomplished. I wanted to let others out there know, “You’re not the only one.” I want to use my life as a testimony. I’ve been homeless, on food stamps, I’ve always been very open. I’ve dealt with Bulemia, weight issues…I’ve been through a lot and this is just one more thing.

Click here to read the rest of Tami’s interview and watch a clip of her therapy session.

Now that we’ve dipped our toes into 2012, I’ll bet you’ve got your new running shoes and yoga pants ready at the door so you can step out into the new year a few pounds lighter. You’re really gonna do it this time. Really. Really? You can exercise until your flat-ironed hair sweats back to the Motherland, but if you don’t get your eating under control the scales might not tip in your favor long enough for you to see results. In order for real change to occur you have to get to the heart of your appetite, which happens to be in your head. Turns out there are plenty of reasons why we eat when we’re not even hungry.

Boredom

How many of you have just eaten something just because it was there? You’ve just had lunch and someone’s popped popcorn in the lunchroom and you grab a bowl because it’s there. Maybe you’re watching some ratchet Real Housewives franchise and you just don’t feel right sitting in the easy chair without your salt and vinegar potato chips. Eating because you’re bored will derail your weight loss journey big time. So before you pick up another chip or another kernel of popcorn ask yourself, “Am I really hungry?” Sometimes it just as simple as checking in with yourself to gauge if those are indeed hunger pangs.

Weight As a Shield

No one really knows how pervasive sexual abuse occurs in the black community, but experts suspect it happens much more often than is discussed. Young black girls in their teens are often targets of abuse by older men or male peers and many swallow the pain, anguish and shame with food. It is often not a conscious decision to create a body armor made of fat, but often patients who seek therapy realize they used their girth to become less physically alluring and thus, a less likely target for unwelcome attention.

Undiagnosed Anxiety Disorders

Gloria, 41, stuffs cookies in her mouth in a corner of the kitchen. She does it quickly, because she doesn’t want anyone to catch her. She eats in secret because she doesn’t want anyone to know how out of control her eating has become. Gloria has an anxiety disorder, and the food she eats triggers chemicals in her brain that make her feel peace and pleasure. In church on Sunday, she’s told that true believers don’t need psychiatrists–they just need to pray. And so she prays, and she eats. And eats, and eats. “Be conscious of your stress level and try to keep it under control. Whatever your reaction to stress, it’s normal for you so don’t fight it. You can counteract stress if you learn to be active, think positively, keep your priorities straight, don’t spread yourself too thin, and enjoy relaxing pastimes,” says Lavinia Rodriguez, PhD, author of “Mind Over Fit Matter: Conquering Psychological Barriers to Weight Management”

If you recognize yourself in any of the above examples, it’s time for some serious introspection if you’re got to start your New Year’s resolution and this time, have it stick.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race, Culture and Creed” (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.

Black celebrity men. There are so many we’ve drooled over over the years, bought posters of, and devotedly watched on TV just because of their fine-ness. And it’s pretty amazing how much you’ll vouch for a man you don’t even know when you’re young  just because he looks good (“Don’t talk about him!”). But as time has passed, many of the big names I used to claim as my boo and other who women used to love the way they ogle over Idris now have become or are slowly becoming a mess for a variety of reasons (drug use, battery, big mouths, etc.). Sorry, but it’s true. If you need some examples of brothas like this, check the list.

Last month social media was a-twitter about Amber Cole, 14, who was seen on camera performing oral sex on a boy said to be her ex-boyfriend. According to lore, she did it in an effort to win back his affection. And by all signs, it looks like she was desperate for it.

YouTube went ablaze with with people opining on the incident, one of which was done by a wanna-be comedian. Baldy said, “If you 14, and you know how to do that, you ain’t a girl, you’s a woman!”

Wait. The ability to put a penis in your mouth and move it automatically makes you a woman? Not true. How about if the girl is 12? Or 11? How about nine? What if the perpetrator is an adult, and not some mean-spirited, hormone-fueled, pimply little boy?

Lisa Ling recently reported on sex trafficking in the United States for the OWN Network and found that young American girls were being recruited as young as 11 years old by pimps aiming to “turn them out” for profit, some of the girls servicing 20 men a night, with all–not some–of the profits going to the pimps. “If that’s not slavery, I don’t know what is,” said Ling in an interview on the Dr. Oz show, which aired Nov. 15.

Most of the young girls were black. Most of the young girls were fatherless. Sadly, many of the pimps were black. According to Ling, part of the pimp’s seduction was telling these children how beautiful and special they were, and the men insisted they call them “daddy.” This is a guess, but I’ll bet those girls were willing to call the pimps “daddy” because they didn’t have one worth a damn at home. “How important is it to a young girl to hear someone say I love you and you’re beautiful?” Ling asked. (Quick! Somebody do a study on the correlation between the 73 percent out-of-wedlock epidemic in the African American community and the sex trade. Oh, wait…)

But how is it that often in the black community, the pimp–the perpetrator of these horrific crimes against children (yes; they are children)–are glorified, and the girls are hoes? Don’t think that true? Then BET must not be in your cable network.

Here’s a newsflash: You don’t get to call an 11, 12, 13, 14, 17 year-old-girl a Slore while men out here make pimping a viable lifestyle choice. A girl’s ability to give a man oral sex, or lay down with a man does not make her a woman. Oftentimes, it makes her a victim of RAPE. “Guess the average age a girl starts prostitution in the U.S.A. Give up? The average age a GIRL enters prostitution is 12 YEARS OLD. Most of the girls sexually enslaved are poor, prior victims of sexual abuse and black or Latino,” wrote Jenee Darden on her blog, Cocoafly.com in a post titled, Saving Our Girls From Oakland’s Streets.

What is more, a young child does not have the brain capacity to fully grasp consequences of their actions and impulse control–that part of the brain doesn’t mature until a person reaches their early twenties. Would you hold a crippled person responsible for not getting out of the way before being hit by a runaway bus? Would you belittle a blind man for improperly reading a “Keep Out” sign? Yet, many are starting to hold children responsible for actions that they can not fully process or are powerless to prevent.

Girls are made to have sex with these guys even during their menstrual cycles…the pimps are stuffing cotton, baby wipes whatever to stop the flow, which leads to infection that causes infertility. But…she’s a hoe…right? Pimping ain’t easy…right? “Many of these kids are made to advertise themselves on Craigslist and other places. Traffickers don’t see them as kids, they see them as disposable commodities,” said my friend, Stag Brumfield, a youth advocate.

Next time I hear someone call a young girl a hoe, I might just have to pimp slap them.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed (to be released April 2012), and runs a blog, www.beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships. She is also the founder and organizer of “No Wedding, No Womb,” an initiative to find solutions to the 72 percent out-of-wedlock rate in the black community.

Dennis, a family friend and David Paterson

If What’s Love Got to Do With It? taught us anything, it’s that a woman can take so much foolery before she snaps back–and in a big way. Such is also true for the stepdaughter of former New York governor David Paterson. Ashley Dennis, 23, was arrested this weekend for clocking her boyfriend, Brian McGuinness, 30, over the head with a bottle. According to reports, when a heated argument turned physical in McGuinness’ West Village apartment around 4:45 a.m. on Saturday morning, the 30-year-old man (who should know better), tried to choke out Dennis. She allegedly picked up a nearby bottle and proceeded to break it over his head. Afterwards, she took her anger to the next level and repeatedly slammed his leg in a door until he passed out. A witness to the bloody aftermath had this to say to the New York Daily News:

“I heard a guy saying, ‘Help me, help me’. “Then he started saying, ‘Fire, fire,’ to get someone’s attention. I knew it was serious. He wasn’t moving. He had two shoes on top of him like she kicked him out of the apartment and threw the shoes.”

The landlord of the apartment, Pearl DiGeronimo, added her two cents:

“There was blood on the floor, on the door handle, all over the hallway. I thought it was a murder. Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn. The man must have done something to provoke that reaction.”

Reports say that the twosome didn’t seem to be under the influence of anything. Dennis was arrested and charged with felony assault, while her boyfriend was given stitches for his injuries and was later charged with criminal obstruction of breathing–a misdemeanor. So…someone tries to choke you, you defend yourself, and you get into more trouble than them? Crazy! Can’t say that I advocate violence of this proportion (not a fan of violence at all), but you just can’t choke all your problems away all willy-nilly and think someone won’t lay their hands on you too…

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There are so many articles and books out there about what you should do when you are the victim of domestic violence in a relationship. Some popular TV shows even do corny episodes addressing the very real problem. They all tell you who you should call in your situation, how you know you are even in a “situation” in the first place, and on and on. But they don’t give you any clear cut ideas about what you should do when you witness domestic violence, especially when it happens to a complete stranger. You would throw down for family of course, but for a stranger? The ABC show “What Would You Do?” has touched on the topic, but seriously, what’s a good way to go about helping? Call the police? Jump in? Join in the yelling? It’s hard to say what you would do until you’re in that situation.

I encountered the aftermath of an abusive episode between a couple just this past weekend and I’m still not sure if I handled it in the best manner–I doubt it. So I thought I’d pose the question to you all for clarity: what should you do when you are a witness to domestic violence? Maybe your answers can be of benefit to others and also aid you in the future if you come across a woman (or man, real talk) who needs you to step in.