All Articles Tagged "90 day rule"
Nina: If a man tells a woman he only wants to be friends… Why does he still show interest?
DY: Because saying “I don’t want a relationship and I want to be friends” is usually manspeak for “I want to continue to hit it as long as I can without you hating me. And, if you catch feelings, I want to always be able to come back and say “But…I said I didn’t want a relationship”
Shaleith: Ok I have a question….why can’t someone see that squandering away their money on unnecessary things when they have bills to pay is madness?
DY: “Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?”
Candis: Why is it guys talk about doing something nice, like cook you dinner, or take you out. Then in the same breath say “and then screw your brains out” like that’s suppose to make me feel like a woman? Why do they mess up the vibe like that?
DY: Some guys suck at communication. And, when you suck at communication, you’re not very good at seduction. One thing you have to realize, though, is that for some women, hearing “I’m going to screw your brains out” turns them on even more. Perhaps that’s want he’s used to dealing with. Basically, it’s up to you to express to him that hearing things like that take you out of the mood. If you don’t tell him, how will he know?
Norca: I need a Valentine’s Day gift idea for my BF. He has everything already! Please help! Thanks!
DY: Experiences—tickets to a game, a personalized lap dance video, a weekend getaway, etc—never hurt. Neither does a steak and BJ.
Wanda: Steve Harvey suggests we make a man wait 6 months before giving him ‘the cookie’. Is a man going to wait that long, or is he just getting his cookies somewhere else while you make him wait? And is a woman who doesn’t make a man wait a keeper?
DY: I thought it was 90 days, not 180? Oh well. Anyway, if a guy really wants to be with you, it’s not going to matter how long he has to wait (or how quick it happens). Obviously, if you make someone wait 20 years (or give it up in 20 seconds), that’s probably not going to end well, but aside from staying away from extremes, there’s really no arbitrary set time on how long you should wait to sleep with a man.
The only clock you should be on is your own. Basically, ask yourself if you’re ready, and don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure your answer is yes.
Erica: Why do men want brownie points for what they as a MAN in the relationship are suppose to be doing in the first place? I understand appreciation but doing the bare minimum isn’t really doing anything at all.
DY: Doesn’t everyone strive for brownie points, though? Couldn’t you say the same thing about women who want praise for being independent? I agree that it’s annoying, but this isn’t a gender specific trait.
Adria: When do you think is the right time to introduce your child/ren to someone new that you are dating??
DY: Opinions vary about this, but I think the best (and safest) time to do this is after you’re sure he’s going to be in your life for an extended period of time.
Annissa: Why does a man say I still love u but clearly is messing with someone else??
DY: He still wants you to love him.
Recently, a new book came out called WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. One of the survey questions that got the internet buzzing revealed that 62 percent of men expected sex by the fourth date. Madame Noire asked me to address the following questions: When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex? Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?
When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex?
As with most things when it comes to men the answer is, “it depends.” For most men, there is no such thing as too soon to have sex, so perhaps we should differentiate between when men want sex and when men expect sex. Men want sex immediately. I would agree with the survey that most sexually active men probably expect sex around the fourth date. However, just because a man wants or expects sex doesn’t mean he’ll stop talking to you if he doesn’t get sex. If men want sex immediately, which rarely happens for the average guy, then obviously men are used to waiting for sex.
Men are sexual and visual creatures. So are women but if you think the average woman will entertain the sexual advances of a stranger as quickly as the average man, we’ll just have to agree to disagree (but you’re wrong). When a man approaches a woman, he is pretty much saying, “I want to have sex with you.” We can’t see your personality from across the room, so it is likely the physical that caught our attention. If we like nothing else about you the physical attraction still remains. As a frustrated commenter pointed out to me once, women control sex like men control commitment. For whatever reason, women aren’t as stingy with sex as men are with commitment.
Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?
Honestly? Not really. Most men know about the various rules women have around sex. Thanks to Steve Harvey, the 90-day rule is the most well known. A less well known rule is the fact that women are quicker to have sex with men they don’t like than men they do like. Over the years, women have gotten it in their head that having sex with a man will affect how men see her. This is only a half-truth. Sex is like money, having it only reveals your true nature. Also like money, unless you feel the need to show off and talk about it all the time, no one has to know how little or how much money you possess. Money doesn’t change people and neither does sex. If a man has sex with you and he “changes”, it would be a lot more accurate to say he became himself.
There are only a few times when sex directly affects a man’s impression of a woman: 1) it’s really good; 2) it’s really bad; or 3) you have a one night stand.
As far as most men are concerned, it doesn’t matter if you make him wait 90-seconds, 90-days, or 90-years. Completely independent of sex, most men know what they want from any given woman. If all a man wants from you is sex, then no passage of time in between will change his goal. He may be perfectly content entertaining the physical – seeing as that’s all he ever wanted – but while you thought you were growing together, he was just investing his time in order to get what he wanted. As a side note, this is why you should never tell a man how long you’re going to make him wait. Anyone with a little patience can wait to meet a known deadline.
On the other hand, if a man likes you as a person and he wants to see the relationship develop, then he will wait to have sex with you for as long as it takes. Please note that the key word here is, “with you.” Just because a man is willing to wait to have sex with you, doesn’t mean he’s not having sex at all. There is a big difference between commitment and waiting, and if you assume they’re one in the same, then that is a conversation you should have upfront. I have married friends who had sex with their wives on the first date, because they liked her as a person. Ideally, sex should act as an instrument to strengthen the relationship, but if you think merely withholding sex will create a bond between you two, you’re sorely mistaken.
In closing, sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip to regulate a man’s emotions because men’s emotions don’t work that way. In fact, a number of men can completely separate the emotional from the physical. As far as waiting too soon, too late, or any time in between to have sex, men really don’t care. As a woman, if you want to implement a personal timeline, then it should be done for yourself. At best, you’ll weed out the men who only wanted sex because they are far less likely to put in the work necessary to get to know you as a person. However, if you think withholding sex from a man who doesn’t want a relationship from you will suddenly inspire change in him then you will be gravely disappointed more often than not. Instead of placing the focus on sex, you should clearly communicate what you want from a relationship – physical or otherwise – and see if he agrees. As for men, we were ready to have sex when we met you. We’re just patiently waiting for you to catch up.
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
Do men have the same rules in the dating game as women? If so, are men allowed to break those rules, or do certain rules only apply to men?
There are a number of rules people play by and get played by in the game of dating and courtship. For instance; wait three days to call after a date, don’t rush things, pay attention to red flags, so on and so on. These three rules apply to both men and women when it comes to dating, however, there is one recent rule that has surfaced that applies strictly to women…or does it.
The infamous ’90 Day’ Rule. This rule encourages women to hold off on giving a man any benefits, particularly sexual benefits, for ninety days. This is a pretty straight forward and common sense rule for most women; in fact a substantial amount of women apply this rule very well in their dating lives. But does this rule apply to men too?Should it apply to them? The answer: absolutely.
There are so many benefits for men waiting to have sex with women, and there are benefits for the women who date men who are willing to wait for sex. One benefit is that a man can get to know a woman for who she really is, and be attracted to the beauty that lies within her. It’ll also give him time to see if he wants to be strictly friends with her or if he wants to pursue a relationship with her that will serve a purpose without the sex factor clouding his judgment.
Another benefit of men applying the 90 Day Rule to their dating lives is the prevention of unwanted, or unexpected pregnancies that may come with a lifetime of unnecessary drama. Now let’s not get things twisted, children are a blessing, but without taking the time to get to know someone before having sex with them, then realizing you made a mistake in sleeping with them and ‘slipping up’ may make you resentful towards the child who didn’t ask to be conceived, and deserves two nurturing parents who are on the same path and page.
Without taking the proper steps in getting to know someone first, you won’t know if you are on the same path and the same page; all you’ll know is the feeling of sexual gratification…maybe. For women, a man who is willing to wait to have sex means that he values you for who you are as a person, and does not view you as just a sexual being. It also shows that he is sexually responsible, and he has set standards for himself. Before having sex with a woman, a man should think about his long-term intentions with her, rather than seizing the short-term moment of physical gratification, because short-term moments can breed long-term effects.
If men decide to start applying the 90 Day Rule to their dating lives, it shouldn’t just be limited to sexual benefits, but it should also be applied to other major and some minor benefits, i.e. lavish dinners on the first date, elaborate gifts before six months, calling a woman more than twice a day, etc. If men held out on giving a woman any type of benefit other than the benefit of getting to know him for who he is rather than what he has, it will reveal the woman’s true intentions for being with him. This is not to say that a man should not work at getting and keeping a woman’s attention, but his focus for getting and keeping a woman’s attention should be to keep her focus on who he truly is.
While the 90 Day Rule is a simplistic rule of common sense for women, it should also be a simplistic rule of common sense that applies to men as well, because a man’s body should be valued and treasured the same as a woman’s. If the 90 Day rule does not apply to men, it creates yet another entity to the double standards of dating that says men are allowed to do certain things, but women aren’t. And if this cycle continues then both men and women will continue to lose at the game of dating. Men who decide to wait to have sex are aware of their bodies, and the responsibility they hold with the jewels they possess that help spring forth life and replenish the earth. They are conscious of the purpose for having sex, they value the intimacy that sex can bring, and they hold that responsibility near and dear to their heads and hearts. Ladies, let’s support those men who are willing to wait for sex by learning how to withhold sex from them and start building meaningful relationships.
Should the 90 Day Rule apply to men? Would you date a man who was withholding sex?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin
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I don’t know how this idea that men won’t wait for sex came about, but on behalf of men everywhere, I’d like to thank the creator. The greatest trick man ever pulled was making women think men will not wait 90 days or whatever arbitrary amount of days.
In 2012, it’s clear men don’t have to wait for sex. However, just because they don’t have to doesn’t mean they won’t. This scenario is the equivalent of saying a child won’t wait for dinner because you offered him dessert. The child ate the dessert because you offered it to him. Had he no other choice, I assure you he would have waited patiently for dinner. He might have fussed, whined, and even cried but that is not a logical reason to reward this spoiled child’s behavior. This is the state of affairs between men and women. Women are offering up their dessert before dinner, and when the man leaves, they declare men aren’t willing to wait instead of accepting maybe it’s because you spoiled his appetite.
Once upon a time, like almost a whole generation ago, it was traditionally accepted men and women would not have premarital relations. Unbelievably, the world didn’t end. Women didn’t offer up the cookies and men waited for dinner. It was that simple.
Since the end of that golden age, men no longer have to wait for sex. In fact, a number of women believe men will not wait even if they wanted them to. Therefore, they offer it up to him as soon as possible to satisfy an inaccurate assumption. Sex has become like a bank that gives away money to keep customers. Yes, such a strategy will keep customers it will also attract thieves. If you leave the vault door open on the theory that the “due on to others” principle will prevent people from taking advantage, then I can only admire your faith in the goodness of man.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: Many men are (pleasantly, yet alarmingly) surprised by how little work they have to put in, because after a certain age, most men aren’t driven by sex anyway. Sex is not a need; it isn’t like air – men can live without sex.
Besides, what have you lost if a man leaves because you made him wait? A man who only wanted sex from you? Why else would he run the second you mention that he will have to do something as crazy as get to know you as a person before you share an intimate encounter with him? If he is more interested in sex than getting to know you, then what happens when he loses interest in the sex part? Any man that leaves simply because you won’t have sex with him on a schedule he defines isn’t worth the hassle.
Men will wait for sex. Many of us are adults here. For many of us, once we lost our virginity, sex became a foregone conclusion; we know we’ll have sex again. However, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex to keep a man’s interest. That is ridiculous.
Whether you make him wait 90 minutes, days, or years is up to you. He’s not waiting to have sex. He’s getting to know you. There is nothing wrong with that. Any man worthy of possessing your body should be patient enough to possess your time until you feel comfortable letting him in the cookie jar.
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his formal training as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM at SingleBlackMale.org and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
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By Courtney Edwards
As a Black man, embarking on the relatively difficult task of finding a soulmate, I am consistently asking myself this one question: How soon, after meeting someone, should I become sexually involved with her? Three months? Six months? After just a few dates? There is really no easy answer to this question.
The general consensus seems to be that one should see how things are going with that person before they decide when – or whether – they should become sexually involved. Do you feel a connection with the person? Is there strong chemistry between the two of you? Are you becoming acquainted with the person relatively quickly? These are all determining factors. But, shouldn’t we be looking for these factors regardless? If the goal is to truly find a soulmate, then what’s the rush? Right?
As I reflect on my past dating experiences, I can say with relative certainty that I wasn’t always looking for these factors in the utmost earnestness. At some point, the lines had become distorted and I wasn’t sure if I was getting to know a woman because I genuinely liked her and wanted to get to know her or because I wanted to find myself encapsulated within her nether region.
And after the deed was done, my ability to discern whether I really liked her because I felt this strong personal connection and affinity, was greatly compromised. Was I just looking through the scope of rose-colored lenses? Were my feelings the result of some sort of self-fulfilling prophesy? A ploy orchestrated by the most primitive and compulsive part of my consciousness – the Id as characterized by Sigmund Freud – to satisfy the most innate desires for sexual gratification, convincing my mind that the woman I saw before me had all of the characteristics that I was looking for?
This is why I had to institute some sort of policy for myself dictating how soon after meeting a member of the opposite sex that I would consider becoming sexually involved with them. I just had to make sure that I was sexually involved with the person because I liked them and not simply liking the person because I was sexually involved. Again, if the goal is finding a person to be with for the unforeseeable future, then what’s the hurry? Right?
Studies show that the longer couples wait until having sex the more positive the outcome of their relationships. Couples that waited longer experienced better quality of communication, greater relationship stability and satisfaction, and an increase in the overall quality of sex, according to researchers at Brigham Young University. Alternately, couples that had sex prior to a month experienced the most negative relationship outcomes.
Furthermore, waiting to become sexually involved with someone may not only contribute to a longer, more fulfilling relationship, but it could potentially keep you healthier in the end. Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, are a real risk. In the United States, the estimated lifetime risk of contracting HIV is 1 in 16 for Black males and 1 in 30 for Black females. Compare that to the 1 in 104 risk for White males and the 1 in 588 risk for White females. Unfortunately, the risks within the Black community are substantially higher.
Ultimately, I have decided to implement a three-month abstinence policy – famously or infamously known as “the 90-day rule.” I will not become sexually involved with a member of the opposite sex until after at least three months of dating. This means going on multiple dates, communicating on the phone and by text message fairly consistently, and spending time at each other’s homes without any sexual activity being initiated.
I just feel as if three months is enough time for two individuals to learn about one another and make an informed decision as to whether becoming intimate would be the best for both individuals. Now, I’m not saying that a relationship will fail miserably if a couple has sex after the first date or within the first month of dating because there are many examples that say contrary. What I am saying is that it wouldn’t hurt to wait, though? If the person truly likes you, they will be willing to wait.
I have decided to wait at least three months before engaging in sexual activity with someone whom I’m interested. You have to determine what’s right for you. Where do you draw the line? What kind of relationship do you want to have?
Remember, it’s your body, your choice.
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