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Shortly after Thanksgiving, I had to make the painful decision to end a relationship with a relative. Though I continue to grapple with the logistics of my decision, I know that it was something that I had to do in order to protect my peace and the peace of my immediate family.
The relative visited with us during the holiday. The visit was pleasant for the most part, but somehow in the days that followed, things went terribly left. I can’t say for certain what went wrong, as we left one another laughing and on a positive note, but after a few days had passed, seemingly out of the blue, I became a target for this person’s rage. Without explanation, I received a profanity-laced text message. Though there was no context, I could read between the lines enough to gather that this loved one was essentially blaming me for all that was wrong in her life. Again.
I was able to arrive at this conclusion because, historically, I have played the scapegoat and villain in her personal narrative — even for things that took place before she came into my life. My suspicions were later confirmed by another relative, who had also become a target of her rage during this episode. As my relative put it, she blames me for the sky being blue and the grass being green. In her eyes, I hold that much power. In actuality, I don’t.
The truth is that the majority, if not all, of her issues, have nothing to do with me. However, the fact that we are related through marriage and not connected by blood has made me an easy target. And while our relatives continue to remind me of this fact, it doesn’t make these episodes any less hurtful or anger-inducing. To be quite frank, this relative was never thrilled about me marrying into the family. Secretly, she had always felt as though my presence took something away from her. However, she was fairly young at the time and as a family, we mostly assumed that it was something she would outgrow. So I put my best foot forward and showed love and kindness to the best of my ability — even though I was fully aware of the ways that she sought to villanize me to anyone who would listen. On the surface, it would appear that things were improving; however, the resentment and bitterness continued to brew. From time to time, I’d see tiny flashes of it. Flashes that were too subtle to even really do or say anything about them. Sadly, as she’s gotten older and grown into an adult, her distorted perception has worsened and most recently, has prompted her to lash out in a way that has damaged our relationship beyond repair.
During this particular incident, a line had been crossed that has altered the trajectory of our relationship forever and I am simply tired of trying. It’s one thing for a person to demonize you when you bend over backward to show kindness, however, verbal attacks and berating is where I draw the line because I don’t deserve that. So after willing myself against being dragged down into this person’s emotional pit of despair, I decided that I was giving myself permission to get off of this emotional roller coaster once and for all.
It’s obvious that this relative is harboring some pain, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice myself or my mental and emotional well-being. I can’t say that the decision has not come with some level of guilt. She is a broken young woman who has a lot of healing to do; however, I refuse to willingly play into any cycle of dysfunction or model such dysfunction for my daughter and any of my future children who may come along somewhere down the road. Further, I refuse to be anyone’s emotional punching bag.
A trend that I have noticed since this pandemic has began, in my own family as well as others, is an uptick in emotional violence that certain individuals have been inflicting on their loved ones. Oftentimes, the acts are fueled by displaced anger and frustration. And because these times have been challenging, many feel now more than ever, that they have to subject themselves to such abuse in the name of love and family. However, the truth is that you don’t. This year has shown us that we are better together, but it has also shown us that life is short. One of the keys to happiness is purposefully and carefully surrounding yourself with the things and people that bring you joy and distancing yourself from the things and people who do the opposite. That is how I choose to live.
