The Questions He Hopes You Never Ask….

November 26, 2011  |  

Women are naturally better communicators than men and therefore tend to ask more emotional questions.  However, have you ever realized how angry a man can get after playing 21 questions? When it comes to relationships, most women want to know everything that a man is thinking and his secrets are considered little enemies capable of ruining their relationship. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, it’s absolutely necessary for each partner to have his or her own personal world, thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to him or her and no one else. So what are you supposed to do to still be involved in your man’s life, but not pry and end up scaring him away?  The first step would be to avoid, or be cautious asking him these 7 questions.

"mens eyes wander"
1. Are you attracted to other women?

This comes down to self-esteem (and therefore attention) and confidence in your relationship. A man who doesn’t look at anyone or feel anything for other women is either very old, very tired, or just plain lying.  Looking at and responding to others doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t find you desirable or is comparing you.  Of course too much gawking or staring is inappropriate, are you going to tell me you’ve never glanced at an attractive guy?  We are all humans.  If he takes it to the next level and starts to flirt, however, he’s definitely not fully committed to you and its time to reevaluate your relationship.

"what are you thinking"
2. What are you thinking?

This question usually comes up in a moment of silence, and often times while in bed.  Some women want to make sure that a man is thinking only of them in bed, but this is a very complicated question for a guy. Make sure you can tolerate hearing about what’s going on in your man’s mind, and remember not to assume he doesn’t care about you.  You might be amazed when he answers “oh, just the football game yesterday.”  Men’s minds can wonder to multiple subjects, while women tend to concentrate on the activity at hand and analyze every detail.  Relax and take your man’s answer for what it is.

"does this make me look fat"
3.Do I look fat?

Most men have learned that the answer to this question is always no. Always. No exceptions.   Women and weight have too close of a bond and women often define themselves and their worth by the scale.  Therefore, men are prepared and ready to say, “No, you look beautiful!” no matter what.  If a woman really cares about looking fat, she should look in the mirror and decide for herself.   If she feels great, then no need to ask for affirmation.  But the attention-seeking woman might be desperate for compliments and turn to her man for her fix.  It’s most important to be healthy, no matter what the scale says.

"what happened in past relationships?"
4. What happened in your past relationships?

Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man’s past. They need to know if they measure up to ex-girlfriends or wives, if he’s as happy with them as he was before and if he’s really over a past heartbreak. You might be especially concerned about what went wrong with your guy’s previous relationships. Remember, though, he might have been a very different man then, and he probably learned from his mistakes. Try not to hold his past wrongs against him because chances are he doesn’t want to be reminded of them. He doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be the person he is now. Let him feel good about how he is with you, and not dragged through memories of what he did (or didn’t do) with other partners.  Of course it’s important to communicate, but too much probing shows a lack of trust and confidence in your relationship.

"where is our relationship going"
5. Where (or how) do you think our relationship is going?

Some women want to know how their guy is feeling about the relationship in general, so they sit him down to get the details. The problem is that this discussion makes many men feel pressured and restless. This question is pretty vague, and a guy may not understand what you’re actually asking him. For example, is this the precursor to discussing marriage, or do you simply want to know whether you are exclusively dating or not?  A man will have opinions of where the relationship is going, just like women do.  However, most men don’t respond well when they feel backed up into a corner.  Instead of pinning all of your expectations on a forced discussion, try to keep communication open in the relationship all the time. That way, you can both express your feelings as they arise, and have them heard and attended to naturally.

"do you have more fun with your friends?"
6. Do you enjoy being with your friends more than being with me?

Many women become possessive of their man’s attention and resentful of time spent away from them. This is particularly true for nights out with the guys. Women want to be included in every activity as proof of their partner’s love for them. And if a guy is out with his buddies, they ask if he enjoyed the time more, or less, than the time spent at home because they secretly want to hear that he did not. Some women even feel threatened when a man is with his family. The important part of having a healthy relationship is that you are both secure enough in your feelings that you want to see each other happy, no matter who you’re with or what you’re doing.

"bring over stuff"
7. Can I bring over some of my stuff?

When a woman asks “Is it okay if I bring some of my stuff to your place? Just some clothes and a pillow or so…nothing much,” the severity of a man’s reaction be very indicative of where he sees your relationship going, or how much he is willing to sacrifice in his life for you.  By keeping clothes, a toothbrush, and some face wash at his place, it marks your place in his life and priority of his time.  Men dread this question if the relationship is new, and therefore moving faster than they want, or is not yet a priority in his life.  Women should only ask this questions once a “where is our relationship going” conversation occurs and should not pop up out of nowhere.  If you haven’t even established that you are exclusive, it’s probably not appropriate to ask for a dresser drawer.

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  • Matthew Crockett

    The looks-oriented question are more associated with women simply because women are more concerned with their looks. It’s the counterpart to the fact that men are more visual-oriented. With men the focus is more behavior-oriented in terms of how we attempt to get together with the opposite sex. It’s why it matters if a girl makes man feel suave when he’s with her. Beyond that the insecurity portrayed in the article is bad for either gender. It makes sense to have a focus on women asking only because a part of our perpetual growth as a society is whether women receive the same censure as men on negative behaviors.

  • i talk too much and still never say the right things.
    if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. and, shut up sometimes..

  • Fghjf

    everyone in those pics are black

  • whoshotya

    i must say, i don’t think i can argue with any of these!

  • all those questions were dead on?

  • Lis

    o gosh i can relate to guys on this one. Im a woman and i hate being asked those kinda questions by soppy guys

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  • Auttrianna

    But why would you ask a man any of these questions anyway?

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  • Mimi

    Not ONE of the women pictured has her own hair…..ridiculous

    • Live_in_LDN

      When looking at the topic of this article and the issues of the world as a whole, you fixating on hair is pretty irrelevent, don’t you think?

    • sweettea

      Halle berry and nia long both are

  • I once asked a guy I was dating how many women he slept with, and I didn’t like
    the answer. I  was very young at the time but now all I want is a aid’s test.  Men are
    very simple and I like that, if you really pay attention they don’t have to tell you anything….
    they show you.

  • SoTrue

    “How many girls have you slept with in the past?”
    – A question I asked a guy I had just started seeing. Immediately after I asked and he answered I regretted it. Needless to say, we soon parted. It’s a question I won’t ever ask again. Anyway, it was a learning curve (I’m only 19! a virgin, and waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet)

  • Cora

    You’d better ask where the relationship is going (#5) eventually unless you want to end up one of those perpetual baby mamas.

    • Live_in_LDN

      I think if you have to ask that question then the relationship isn’t going down the path of commitment. Couples will normally talk about moving in together, joke around about kids names and marriage if it’s a natural devlopment of the relationship. If you have to ask such a direct question like that then obviously the relationship isn’t giving any other promising clues about the future.

      • Bob

        Questioning is not a bad thing, particularly if you are seeing red flags.  Sometimes a man has trouble being both chivalrous and letting you go, and is sending up red flags so you can decide on your own to leave him.  Sounds cowardly I know, but if you are having doubts there may be a reason.

  • Sasha

    “Men’s minds can wonder to multiple subjects, while women tend to concentrate on the activity at hand and analyze every detail.”
    This statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. I don’t know why the author does not bring anything constructive or new to the table, only ol’ same same stereotypes of both men and women!

  • IllyPhilly

    I don’t want a man to ask me ANY of these questions either! The only question I want to know is, What are AIDS and STD results?

  • Veratta Pegram-Floyd

    Yes, women do have a tendency to ask more questions and/or talk more…this does not make us “better communicators”. I am a woman and I know that if I was asked some of these questions in the exact same way they are phrased in the article, I would get pissed. Asking about past relationships-wouldn’t you already know about this before this person became your mate? Bottom line-be clear about what it is you are asking and know that you might not like the answer you receive.

    This article wasn’t a waste of my time to read but I don’t appreciate the perpetuation that women are made to be SO EMOTIONAL and we have to do these emotional things. We have the right to ask questions and the men have to the right not to answer them (depending on the question).

    • I dont think the article was saying that women are being over-dramatic and overly-sensitive by asking these questions, or any questions for that matter. I think the point is that women (and men for that matter) should be sure of their intentions and expectations when they ask these questions, because theres a level of maturity necessary to handle that conversation. I think that these questions are mostly common among men and women, but some are particularly common among women, such as “do i look fat?” or “are you attracted to other people?” Again, the questions aren’t that problematic if the motivation is underlying over-insecurity. 

      I happen to ask these questions pretty often, but I’m also honest if I’m insecure about something in particular. An insecurity I’ve been working on with my beau is I occasionally get obsessive and try to monopolize his time, and at times accuse him of not giving me his full attention- which he sometimes doesn’t, because his mistress is a woman known as Video Games, with whom I also have serious affairs from time to time. I also sometimes compulsively call him when I know he’s busy or with his peeps, calling when I already promised I would let him have his time, making him keep me “phone company” when he’s tired from work. It’s mostly because I know I am a piece of work on an exponential level and I’m very particular, and I get afraid that he may be resentful towards me or secretly hate me cuz I got madd issues, so I OD on pleasing him and get upset when I dont feel like I’m doing that. Then I start with the “what are you thinking? WHAT are you thinking?!” and terrorizing him. But the truth is he’s already telling me the truth because he loves me enough to REGULATE my butt and assure me that he’s okay.
      Also, I have no problem asking these questions to any guy i’m interested in or is interested in me. I respect them if they decline to answer, but when they do, I choose to see it objectively and see that it makes him who he is and his truth is okay.