Are White Men Trophy Husbands to Some Black Women?

November 14th, 2011 - By Brande Victorian


A Black Woman's Guide to Dating White Men

I’m calling a double standard foul on author Niki McElroy. The author of A Black Girl’s Guide to Dating White Men recently appeared on everywaywoman.com in a video show, and when one of the hosts of the show asked whether black women dating white men could be considered searching for a trophy husband the way that black men treat white women as their trophy wives, McElroy flipped the script. She responded that for black women, dating white men is simply “looking for your significant other without looking at color. We shouldn’t be basing it [dating] off color. If you have common goals in life, why not find someone who fits you and is on your same wavelength?”

If we’re not basing dating off of color, then why write an entire book to serve as a guide to do just that? If women are going to be upset with black men for choosing to only date white women who “fit them,” we can’t turn around and do the same thing and call it something else.

Even more bothersome than McElroy’s denial,  is the fact that the way she’s presented her information does in fact suggest a trophy husband phenomenon. White men are made to seem subtlety ”better.” This is derogatory towards black women, when McElroy claims to be a positive guide. For example:

Another of the show’s host mentions she likes the book because of its helpful topics, like how to order wine because “that does make you look so much more classy.” McElroy agrees and says, “It’s not just about looking classy, it’s about being knowledgeable. Most of us didn’t know about Moscato until a rapper just came out with a song.” Speak for yourself.

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  • Nicole

    The book sounds absolutely ridiculous!! 

    There are losers and bad apples of every race so to put one race above another is foolish.  And in the end you will look just like that a fool!

    Considering all ethnicities, cultures, and races when dating simply allows you to have more dating options. 

     Regardless of race or gender if you maintain an open mind in addtion to carrying yourself with confidence, dignity and respect while looking for love you will attract a partner of the same caliber. 

    The world is a beautiful and diverse place.  So taste the rainbow!!!

  • Mushainoshaino

    It is an excellent idea for a book. We may want to actually read it before writing it off.

    For those women who ARE interested in dating white men, or who are already dating white men, it is a good read.

    For those ‘nothing but a brother’ black women. If you are not interested in white men, don’t read it. Period.

  • Betterchoice1985

    I am and always have been attracted to and will only date white men. mainly because of the respect level and values. I would be richer than Oprah if I got a dollar for every black man who said he was gonna be a rapper, or baller or whatever. I never hear any black men stating that they want to be doctors, scientists, mathmeticians, etc. I dont knock a brother for dating a white girl either, cause while he may feel she will do better for him, my white man will do that and more.

    • Mushainoshaino

      I totally agree with you. If she had written a book called ‘a black girls guide to gardening’ there would be no backlash.

      Simple, if you are not interested in that subject you don’t have to read the book.

      Why all the protest?

    • ABC567

      It’s really sad that you never met a black man who wanted to be a doctor or a scientist. Maybe you’ve been looking in the wrong places. I am such a black man. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor. When I was in college I wanted to be an engineer or software developer. I’m now an executive, and doing very well economically. I have black male friends who are doctors, lawyers, businessmen, etc. They are married to some very beautiful sisters, as well as some white and Asian women.

      By the way, I grew up in the shadows of urban housing projects. So, even if you’re not middle class yourself, you might have had a chance to meet me somewhere along the way. I would have been the slightly nerdy kid in the back of the room, trying to avoid getting picked on or beaten down for “acting too white”. In my experience, a lot of guys like me get overlooked by the sisters, until they notice us years later, after we’ve graduated from college, and established a career. By that time, you now realize, we’re actually the real ballers, and those pimps you were so enamored of back in the day are pumping gas for a living. Also, by this time, you have a world of competition on your hands: all kinds of attractive women are now very interested, and half the time a white woman has beaten you to home plate.

      Bottom-line, it’s not that professionally ambitious black men don’t exist. It’s that sisters don’t even recognize what they should be looking for until too late on the game. 

      • Pivyque

        I agree with you ABC567. I have black male friends that are doctors, lawyers and professors. To say that it is uncommon is ridiculous. Not every black man wants to be a rapper. With your negative outlook on black men, it is a good thing you have decided to date other races. 

  • In All Honesty

    “Do Black Women See Dating White As Searching For A Trophy Husband?” Absolutely. You saw how many cosigns that “8 Reasons To Date A White Man” article got right? Well, none of those reasons had anything to do with love. Then, these same women want to get on me for my preference for redbones. Sick.

  • Bhfkjhfjhwjhsa

    One word: YES!!!!

    hahalolfumadamenoireforthesedumbassarticles

  • WanderingDreamer

    This is just sad! 

  • Darkesthourglass

    With so many post re: dating white men, how come you rarely see posts about dating Hispanic/Latin, Asian men or mixed race men? Black, and White men aren’t the only options. Just sayin’.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mz.slimchocolate Courtney TiffanyDeanna Jenkins

    Is she serious. She is seeing color when she specifically looking for a white man. This is foolishness

  • Jean_Harlow

    Please! I’ve been married to my white husband for 12 years, have 3 kids and 4th on the way next month, and every time I look and kiss my husband for the past 16 years, I don’t see color. I see my soulmate, my lover and the father of my kids. Shoot, you got more BM using non-BW as trophies than BW with non-BM.

  • happywife

    my white husband iz ‘my husband’ but according to the hateful lookz we get from Blacks, whites, latinos & asians, uh, yeah he’z a trophy

  • yeah right

    blacks are usually more creative than this, but yet, every other article on this site is about some crap like this.  can these writers and moderators please expand their thinking!  it seems like black sites speak about the same tired topics all the time, and if not, they’re downing each other for something.  i’m sick of it!

    • astodghill

      Sure, if you have some ideas people email: editors@madamenoire.com. We are always looking to expand our topics.

  • Abc567

    Wow. Amazingly insulting. I’m an Ivy League educated black man in the 1% income range. I know my wines, champagnes, scotches, etc. I also like to talk politics, art, theater, music and charitable works. I’m married, but were I playing the field, a sister would at least need to have some of these interests, and I’d be happy to learn some of hers too whether its hip hop, sports, or dance. It’s not about black or white, it’s about social class. Maybe the book should be called something like “A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Up”

    • Topper

      From what I understand, most black men who are in the 1% income range, don’t want a black women who is at the same status or close to it. Why? 1.) She does not cook and clean (a myth), 2) She works long hours. I’m a educated black woman and like/love most of the things you do. However, I don’t run into many black men who enjoy a lot the things I like. For example, he’s idea of the theater is a “black play”. Where as I like operas, musicals, or plays with all types of people in them. Another example is everything is black…. the black ski club, a fraternal event, african american museum. Don’t get me wrong, I love my black people. But everything I do does not have to involve black people. 

      • ABC567

        I can’t speak for “most black men in the 1% income range.” And admittedly, it’s a relatively small circle. What I have noted among my friends in this circle is that the wives tend to be highly accomplished and educated black women (doctors, lawyers, advertising, etc.), typically with graduate degrees and such. In quite a few cases, the wives have dropped out of the workforce or gone part-time to focus on raising the kids. I see these same trends with wealthy/high-income white friends and neighbors too – the wives are very well educated, but quite often have given up career aspirations to focus on family as job 1. The kids in these families are the beneficiaries of a huge amount of attention, focus and resources – they are being groomed for hyper-success – but that’s a story for a different day. In some cases, these successful black men have inter-married, and in many of those cases, I have noted that the white or Asian wife is either “arm candy” (i.e. clearly for show) or a more traditional stay-at-home-mom. 

        Now when it comes to very high income sisters, I have noted a couple of trends. Clearly, if they are not willing to date “outside” they stand a pretty good chance of being permanently single – the brothers are in no rush to settle down. It seems like a case of musical chairs – if you don’t marry your college sweetheart or in your 20′s, the odds of finding a successful, single black man how is not either already spoken for – or – suffering from Peter Pan syndrome (i.e. fear of commitment), become freakishly low. Here in NYC, I am seeing a lot of educated black women dating (and marrying) white and sometimes Asian men, and they seem pretty happy in those relationships.

        The trend does not bother me – I think that where relationships are concerned, it’s not for me to judge. I do feel it is unfortunate that it is so difficult for black women to find what they want. But, sometimes I think women get too hung up on seeking perfection too. I don’t have any easy answers, just observations.

  • grimyteddy

    Oh no Kevin and Keith did a two part video on this book last week! The author touched a nerve because the Hodgetwins on YouTube did not approve.

  • Dcarter910

    Why dont yall do a column about ” Are broke @ss mexicans with no papers, trophy men for black women ?” Since black women arent allowed to have standards without being labeled sellouts!

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