Ask The Luv Coach: “I’ve Got Drama With My Male Best Friend’s Girl”

November 7th, 2011 - By Alexis Garrett Stodghill

The Luv Coach on Madame Noire
Dear Dkendra,

The age old question “can men and women be ‘just’ friends” rears it’s ugly head once again. The answer to that is “yes…but with boundaries.” Maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship with a man who has a girlfriend or wife requires specific boundaries to be set by all parties. It sounds like this situation is a combination of insecurities on the part of this other woman, drama being stirred up by your best friend, and a lack of boundaries being set by you.

For a moment, I want you to do the ‘switch shoes’ exercise. Imagine yourself in her position and ask yourself how you would feel if the man you were dating constantly talked about another woman, and hung out with her often? Many women struggle to understand why a man is best friends with another woman, instead of choosing her as their closest confident. This lack of emotional intimacy shakes the foundations of trust in the relationship, as a couple struggles to define itself. Unfortunately this caused your friend’s lady to catch the crazy. In her mind she thought of all the reasons why he comes to you, confides in you, and mentions you each day. Her negative thoughts began to spin out of control until she acted upon them and attacked you via text. Although it was a poor choice, we cannot lay all the blame on her.

It’s time to ask yourself: what part did your best friend play in all of this? How has his behavior produced this outcome? Why did he give this woman you didn’t know your number and not mention it to you? What kind of friend is he being if each time he gets a girlfriend he disappears? Friendship requires respect and balance. As he enters into a new relationship, he should be able to introduce you to the new woman in his life and clearly define his relationship with you to her. He needs to be aware that his choices are adding to the drama, and that this behavior isn’t healthy for all parties involved.

Lastly, you have to work at setting a clear boundary of friendship, and including his girlfriend in that circle. The majority of the times you two hang out, you need to invite her. Whether she decides to join you or not, at least you have shown her that you respect her relationship with your friend, and in turn it will build trust between the three of you. When a friend of the opposite sex enters into a new relationship, you also have to respect the fact that they will spend more time with their significant other, and less time with you. The start of any relationship requires attention and intimate bonding experiences between two people, and they need that space away from others to grow and develop their love.

As for whether or not you should stay his friend or spare yourself the drama, that answer depends upon you. Is he a friend worth keeping in your life? If so, ask yourself how you can work with him and his girlfriend to set respectful boundaries and rebuild the trust in your friendship. I am sure your can do it.

Best of luck,

Rebecca Brody, The Luv Coach

Previous Love Coach: I’m In Love With Him But He’s Homeless

Send questions to The Luv Coach on Madame Noire to editors@madamenoire.com

The Luv Coach: Would You Date a Homeless Man?Rebecca Brody is a certified life empowerment coach with an expertise in love and relationships.  She currently has a private practice in New York city and works with clients across the USA.  For more musing from The Luv Coach go to www.TheLuvCoach.com.

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  • Magnificentmeka

    This right here is the problem I am having with my bestfriend. He is now married so I stepped bad out of that because I knew his wife didn’t like me when she was just the girlfriend so I knew that her being wifey now was not going to be any better.

    He asked me why I changed and haven’t called as much and tried to explain that I don’t want to get in the way and cause trouble, he just doesn’t understand or care.

  • JustAshley

    1. He has a girlfriend and he has every right to disappear. You don’t own him. Just like if he was REALLY your blood related brother than he would automatically spend less time with you and more time with his girl to solidify his relationship with her. That’s like an automatic rule.You should automatically slow down contact with your friends of the opposite sex, so that: 
    A. Your partner knows your serious about them 
    B. So that you don’t inadvertently cause any type of jealous rivalry
    *
    2. Your “best friend” is shady and he caused this drama. He likes the conflict. Its an ego boost. You need to get yourself some new male friends and FOLLOW the rules! At the end of the day, HE’S STILL A MAN and even if your intentions are totally honorable, you need to keep that in mind and act accordingly.

    • Girliusmaximus

      Bravo JustAshley. Excellent point about him disappearing once he had a girlfriend. Maybe the best friend should consider getting a boyfriend or some business of her own instead of waiting around for someone who is in a relationship, mind you, to hang out. And when she sent that out of line text she should have went to the man in the first place because he is the reason why the girlfriend had the number. Yeah the girlfriend was out of line for acting an *ss but two wrongs don’t make a right and it didn’t serve the female best friend and purpose to stoop to her level.

  • Brian K

    hmmm, Madame Noire do you re-use photos as well as recycle stories?  It certainly appears that way.

  • Teflon Mom

    The Luv Coach is so diplomatic.  I would come at this totally different.  1) Your “best friend” is no friend at all.  He loves drama that’s why he CREATED the drama by talking about you all the time, ADDED to the drama by giving the girl your number and KEEPS DRAMA GOING by periodically disappearing.  Now he got you calling him wondering where he is, the girlfriend is on pins and needles wondering if he’s somewhere with you, and his silly azz is sitting back laughing it up because everyone wants a piece of him.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s telling the story to a third woman – but in his version you and the girlfriend are unreasonable and he just doesn’t understand how drama follows him.  He needs a woman who is “drama free” SMDH.

    I don’t do “besties” of the opposite gender.  Once you’re in a serious relationship all that crap has to go.  I don’t care if y’all been best friends since 1st grade, if you dig her that much you shoulda married her.  Plus a REAL (and mature) friend realizes that a romantic relationship means the nature of your friendship will have to change.  It’s part of life, just like kids.  You can’t hang the same way you would when you were childless, why do you think nothing should change when you have someone who cares about you at home.  Real friends will keep up with you, but they’ll take a big step back because they respect your relationship and want you to be happy.

    • 123

      ”
      I don’t do “besties” of the opposite gender.  Once you’re in a serious relationship all that crap has to go.”

      I feel bad for people like you. I’m a woman who’s happily married and most of my closest friends are men. My husband became good friends with them and several were groomsmen in our wedding. Most of the time, we all hang out together, but sometimes it’s just me and my boys. My husband and I trust each other and are not insecure in the least bit, so this doesn’t bother us. My husband has female friends and I’ve hung out with them, invited them to our house etc and have never had an issue. 

      The only people who can’t handle opposite sex friendships are insecure and need to work on their self-esteem. 

  • Msknowitall

    Good advice. I agree about setting those boundaries with male friendships, I don’t have that problem. It’s always the guyz that do, because deep down they want more and I make it very very clear I’m not interested. Then they get mad and end the friendship. I’ve resulted to preferring to be friends with married couples, at least I know I won’t get no problems from him and I’m cool with both couple